Funny Bitch Friday: Valerie Nunez and the Flying Platypi

09/21/2012 · 21 comments

in Funny Bitch Friday

A quick quiz to find out if you know someone who is a true badass:

Do they:

A) Have a kid who sends them love farts?
B) Carry around an extraneous arm?
C) Have the power to marry others?
D) Know what Sasquatch’s taint smells like?

If you answered yes to any of those, then you must already know about Valerie Nunez and the Flying Platypi, who is my new spirit animal (deal with it, Anastasia Steele).

If you answered no to the above, let me introduce you.

My 6-Year-Old Is More Badass Than 99% Of People I Have Ever Met

My Strange Fear

I Might Turn Into A Sparkly Vampire, Or Die From A Spider Bite.

Perfect Plan For Serial Killers

Mannequin Arm Becomes A Real Arm…Like Fucking Pinocchio And Shit

Did I Mention I Have The Power To Marry People? 

The Moment We Stop Believing Is The Moment The Sasquatch Win

Fun Fact: There’s an episode of True Life featuring a man who’s name is Squatch, and now I can’t stop thinking about that twathandle shitting in Valerie’s car.

Happy Friday, Motherfuckers.

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Jessica: “I swipped the first book off the good ol’net in epub version, I ended up downloading it from three different sites as I was sure someone had just hacked out a fake copy. Nope! Ms whats her pickle really wrote it that way. Apparently, since these books are fan fiction, she isnt required to use that silly concept otherwise known as grammar. What really pissed me off was the main characters complete failture to see what this freak was. Any guy who tries to pick you up while buying duct tape and rope should immediately hit the psycho-nut bunny radar.”
Mayor Gia September 21, 2012 at 6:51 am

How do I not know about this person??
Mayor Gia recently posted..Confession time: I’m a Loud Chewer

Valerie September 24, 2012 at 9:27 pm
Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:31 pm

YOU DO NOW!

Misty September 21, 2012 at 7:37 am

She is rad. This is so well deserved. Love her.
Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: Who’s the Fairest of Them All?

Valerie September 21, 2012 at 8:45 am
Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:33 pm

A-thank you for the nomination, my friend.

Valerie September 21, 2012 at 8:48 am

ME!!???!?!?!

I… I wasn’t expecting this… I don’t even have a speech prepared. We… I guess I should thank my mom. And the baby Jesus that I stole once when I was drunk. And… I dedicate this.. to all the person who told me I would never amount to anything. Yea… That fucking bitch in Target can suck it!!!

THANK YOU!!!! :O)

Hugs!

Valerie
Valerie recently posted..My 6 year old is more bad ass than 99% of the people I have ever met

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:37 pm

YES YOU, BECAUSE YOU’RE SO GODDAMN FUNNY.

You win at life.

Valerie September 25, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Is it weird that I made my husband read this as I flew around my room in a pink Superman cape that lights up playing “Wind Beneath My Wings” in the background?

No? Good! Because I’m making this into a tshirt.

Love you!!

Valerie
Valerie recently posted..Either I’m going crazy or faery folk are trying to communicate with me… You decide.

Jen September 21, 2012 at 10:21 am

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!! I’ve been reading Valerie’s blog from the beginning (even though I suck at commenting — I’m an evil lurker) and she regularly makes me chortle like a coked-up narwhal. I love Valerie so fucking hard; even if she is theoretically responsible for the unholy union of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries. Meh, all is forgiven, Val. Welcome to the League!!! :)
Jen recently posted..The Red Dress Playlist: "Wakin’ Up in Vegas"

Valerie September 24, 2012 at 9:24 pm

AWWWWW!!! Thanks Jen! You fucking rock! :o) I love you right back!
Valerie recently posted..And you too can be the lucky owner of glorious mannequin hand!!!

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Even by marrying the Kardashian, she still provided the world with more comedy fodder.

Mandi September 21, 2012 at 1:33 pm

This is a win all around. Even her comments on other blogs are snarky and hilarious. I love her!
Mandi recently posted..The surprise in every box is a knife.

Valerie September 24, 2012 at 9:24 pm
Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:40 pm

She’s one of those people who’s always managing to be in my favorite comments picks…damn she’s good.

Dana the Biped September 21, 2012 at 3:40 pm

See, now I actually *want* a kid just to scare people. Maybe I could borrow one?
Dana the Biped recently posted..A Handy Guide to Halloween Costumes and Life

Valerie September 24, 2012 at 9:26 pm

You could borrow Jasmyn… Though, I must note that she recently obtained a toy battleaxe at the Ren Faire we just went to. She has been training all day.
Valerie recently posted..And you too can be the lucky owner of glorious mannequin hand!!!

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:40 pm

This is exactly why I can’t wait for my niece.

Han September 23, 2012 at 10:01 pm

You should do a review on the list on this site:
http://thegirlcode.weebly.com/your-moral-rules.html
I found it hilarious, the commentary is endless
#2 is a personal favorite

Noa September 25, 2012 at 8:41 pm

I can’t wait to read it.

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