Are You A Strong Lady Or Just An Enormous Asshole?

09/10/2012 · 28 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person, Sadist Vagina, What Is Wrong With You?

A man gives you the side-eye in the grocery store–you think. He might have been looking at the peas:

A. Don’t give me the side-eye, you unrighteous dirtbag asshole. You couldn’t handle me even if I wanted to, and I don’t. You’re just jealous.
B. Ugh. I can’t even go into the grocery store without someone judging my body? STARE ALL YOU WANT, I’M A WOMAN. DEAL.
C. Here’s some peas. And my number.
D. Look, everyone deserves to do whatever they want uninhibited. Would you like to feel my body to discern for yourself?

A girlfriend gets a really kick-ass promotion/job/raise/boyfriend that you would sell your taint’s adspace for. You:

A. Look at me, I am destined for greatness and I am entitled to those things. That whore didn’t do shit to deserve that. Fuck that bitch.
B. Whatever, I didn’t even want it anyway.
C. Oh awesome! I better step up my game, because I want something similar. Let’s celebrate with some cocktails and stories!
D. Is this serving to spiritually enlighten you evermore?

It’s time to park your car.

A. I’ll park wherever the fuck I want. I have a right to as many spots as I want.
B. That guy who parked before me is too close to the lines so I’ll swipe his car and not leave a note. What an asshole, right?
C. Okay. I’ll park in this spot, within the lines and legally. I might even push a few carts back into a corral.
D. I only walk. By choice, not by necessity or even for health reasons. I just want people to see me walking and know that I’m more caring.

It’s time to do the job you are assigned.

A. You need to learn some respect for strong women. You can’t just tell me what to do.
B. Ugh. Just get off my back–I’ll do it when I do it, okay?
C. Cool. As long as I’m being treated legally and fairly, I will do my job, even if it’s not my favorite thing because I have to put food on the table and clothes on my fabulous ass.
D. Job?

Hey, you did a great job on that project. Way to go.

A. I know I did a great job, you’re just telling me what I already know. Get out of my face.
B. I don’t need your approval.
C. Thank you! I worked really hard–it’s nice to hear that others saw that. I want to do even better on the next one so I can keep ‘em on their toes. Drinks?
D. I’m still waiting on funds from Kickstarter to go through so I can begin the planning stages.

I could really use some help carrying my groceries in–my baby’s finally asleep after 2 days of insomnia.

A. I am not your servant. No one ever helped me do anything, and I’m amazing.
B. I GUESS I’LL HELP YOU OR WHATEVER. GOD. NOT LIKE I HAVE STUFF TO DO.
C. That’s great news for you. Let me help carry these in. Good luck!
D. You shop at a grocery store?

Congratulations on winning the lottery!

A. FUCK YOU. I deserve all of this, and you’re just so jealous you can’t even stand it. I can see it in your beady eyes. Aren’t I amazing?
B. FUCK YOU. I’m not a handout machine, got it?
C. Thank you. A stroke of pure luck. I can’t wait to use my money wisely to make my life even more fabulous, and donate to charity, too!
D. I don’t believe in money. Or chance.

Your Personal Role Model Is:

A. A Real Housewife Of ______________.
B. Bloody Mary
C. Meryl Streep
D. Elizabeth Gilbert

If you answered mostly A’s: Holy God, you unbelievable dick. You are such an asshole. You’re hiding behind a mask of being a “strong lady,” when in reality, you are bastardizing that entire idea. Like if someone made a crucifix out of delicious chocolate or telling me that Jennifer Lawrence isn’t a nice person in real life. You’re entitled to success without earning it because you are so goddamn fabulous/sexy/amazing/gorgeous/intelligent and fuck anyone else who questions your methods. Guess what, punkin? If everyone around you is an asshole, chances are…you’re the asshole. Clear it up, yo.

If you answered mostly B’s: You’re asshole-lite. Prickly and unforgiving and full of the knowledge that you must be those two things if you want to succeed in life. You trust no man or woman and you’re in everything only for yourself. Your face is permanently frozen with indignation and disgust, and you have few, if any, true and healthy friendships. Shape up, lady–get a better attitude and shit will start changing like you’d never believe.

If you answered mostly C’s: You are a strong lady, because you’re not an outrageous dick. You’re not perfect, but you own who you are and everything that comes with it–mistakes, successes, style, body, and all the changes, happiness, and sadness that come to you. You know the key to being a strong woman is not making excuses, doing what needs to be done, and working your ass off to be the person you want to be. We should all be so awesome as you.

If you answered mostly D’s: Judgmental Hipster Fucking Nonsense. Stop. You’re ridiculous. You couldn’t even find your vagina if someone showed you an ironic anatomy poster from 1963.

Where did you fall? Do you know someone who is an asshole or asshole-lite (or HFN)?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Jen: “I want to date a black man now just so I can get some of that poon chafe from the Brillo pubes. And I make a kickass cornbread, yo.”
Morgan September 10, 2012 at 8:49 am

Well, I’m definitely asshole-lite, I can’t deny it. So much so that I thought this was a trick quiz–I thought the categories would have been A: Asshole; B: Asshole-Lite; C: Bullshit Artist; D: HFN.

Noa September 11, 2012 at 12:25 am

I’m a half-and-half of B and C, but as long as you’re not an HFN, then more power to you.

You’re right, it was a trick quiz–because fuck hipsters.

Jen September 10, 2012 at 9:19 am

I’m a (C): a strong, awesome lady. Which only proves one thing; that I have all of you motherfuckers fooled! Suck it!

PS: This reminds me of what Misty said to Johi and me at BlogHer. “It’s weird; if you read your blogs, you’d think Jen is a dick and Johi’s really sweet, but it’s actually the other way around.” Oddly enough, none of us were offended. This is exactly why Johi, Misty and I are friends.
Jen recently posted..House Hunting With Jeremy Renner

Misty September 10, 2012 at 11:58 am

Pretty sure nobody has to guess what category I fall into after such a statement, yes? ;)

And yeah, they totally rocked my world by turning my pre-conceived notions right on their fucking heads. But we are all big enough dicks to have gotten along swimmingly, so that’s what’s important, no?
Misty recently posted..Trix are for Kids

Noa September 11, 2012 at 1:10 am

At some point, if you’re not a little bit of a dick, you’re not going to survive.

I go overboard on that, though. A lot.

Johi September 10, 2012 at 5:20 pm

I’ll have you know that I was mostly C’s with a few B’s thrown in (depending on my cycle and how many douchebags are surrounding me). I actually enjoy being an asshole-light/strong lady. It keeps people on their toes. I also have an excellent evil laugh, do a mean cross-stitch (not really) and enjoy plotting my world domination…..

Muahahahaha!
Johi recently posted..Some thoughts are better off unwritten

Noa September 11, 2012 at 1:12 am

I just want to let you know that every time I gaze upon my Ft. Collins sex rag, laying across my office chair, I get a little misty-eyed and want to drink.

Noa September 11, 2012 at 12:26 am

You are a tricky motherfucker, Jen. You all are.

That’s why I love you all.

becky September 10, 2012 at 10:28 am

And the winner for the best use of the phrase “taint’s adspace” is……

Noa September 11, 2012 at 12:36 am

Mad Men! Oh my God, congratulations Jon Hamm!

Misty September 10, 2012 at 11:56 am

Hmm, I think I’m mostly C with a little B thrown in there. So super cool strong lady with a dash of asshole? Yeah, that sounds about right. I’m down with that.

But I need to know about this taint advertising. I feel I’m missing out on a valuable money making endeavor here. Like, how much would you charge for such ad space? Does it depend on the traffic? What companies would pay to advertise their wares in that location? I feel like the opportunities are endless here.
Misty recently posted..Trix are for Kids

Becky Parrish September 10, 2012 at 12:02 pm

OK Misty, warn a ho next time before using the words taint advertising.

Noa September 11, 2012 at 1:13 am

I’ll be honest, it’s not my taint you’re getting adspace with. Your only traffic is Adrian, and I tell him what you write anyway, so it’s wasted traffic. I may or may not have access to a congressman’s taint, and that motherfucker gets some traffic.

Monica September 10, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Sometimes when good things I want happen to other people, I get all asshole. Then I remind myself I’m being an asshole, which helps me stop being an asshole. Then I buy drinks.
Monica recently posted..Don’t frak with revolving doors

Noa September 11, 2012 at 1:15 am

I think we all get a little jealous. The trick is in the execution–are you a whore, or do you suck it up and deal? You are a strong-ass lady because you deal.

nadine September 10, 2012 at 12:54 pm

I’m a strong lady who can be a dick sometimes. And I’m OK with that.
nadine recently posted..Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but here’s my number LET’S HAVE BABIES.

Noa September 11, 2012 at 1:15 am

That’s the best kind of lady. That’s a Shirley MacLaine.

Valerie September 10, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Is it weird that I want to sell my taint space?

Hugs!

Valerie
Valerie recently posted..I might turn into a sparkly vampire… or die from a spider bite

Noa September 11, 2012 at 1:16 am

I know an agency that’d be super interested.

Bill G. September 11, 2012 at 12:49 am

I’m a guy, so I’m exempt from this quiz but I sure liked reading it. Just check the box for “ass-nugget” on me, Noa.

Noa September 11, 2012 at 1:16 am

Ass-nugget it is. HRRRCCKKK.

psychofab September 11, 2012 at 9:33 am

What if I do mostly C, but inside I’m going “I need more coffee like a mofo… is that a floater in my eye? OH MY GOD I”M GOING BLIND!” ?
psychofab recently posted..What Happened?

Noa September 11, 2012 at 7:32 pm

That’s the trick to being a C–you don’t have to be sane to be a strong lady.

Jillian September 11, 2012 at 3:19 pm

I’m not sure if giving my phone number to a guy in the frozen food section would increase or alleviate my fear of the grocery store.
Jillian recently posted..Anything But Coupons

Noa September 11, 2012 at 7:34 pm

The other choice is to say that line and then whip it at his face.

funny or tragic September 12, 2012 at 1:09 am

Hmmmm. I’m mostly C’s but I think there must be a mistake. I mean, I park well and do my job to the best of my ability, but I talk smack the whole time. Kinda like Princess Leia. Can I be Princess Leia? You know, the one in the clouds with nice braids accentuated by her smart mouth, not the one in the rash-inducing metal bikini or the diaper padded snowsuit…
funny or tragic recently posted..Proper Butt Etiquette

Noa September 14, 2012 at 2:39 am

But that snowsuit looks so fucking warm. Also, her hair on Hoth? Uh-mazing.

Or, the proper answer is, “You can be whatever the fuck you want.”

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