A man gives you the side-eye in the grocery store–you think. He might have been looking at the peas:
A. Don’t give me the side-eye, you unrighteous dirtbag asshole. You couldn’t handle me even if I wanted to, and I don’t. You’re just jealous.
B. Ugh. I can’t even go into the grocery store without someone judging my body? STARE ALL YOU WANT, I’M A WOMAN. DEAL.
C. Here’s some peas. And my number.
D. Look, everyone deserves to do whatever they want uninhibited. Would you like to feel my body to discern for yourself?
A girlfriend gets a really kick-ass promotion/job/raise/boyfriend that you would sell your taint’s adspace for. You:
A. Look at me, I am destined for greatness and I am entitled to those things. That whore didn’t do shit to deserve that. Fuck that bitch.
B. Whatever, I didn’t even want it anyway.
C. Oh awesome! I better step up my game, because I want something similar. Let’s celebrate with some cocktails and stories!
D. Is this serving to spiritually enlighten you evermore?
It’s time to park your car.
A. I’ll park wherever the fuck I want. I have a right to as many spots as I want.
B. That guy who parked before me is too close to the lines so I’ll swipe his car and not leave a note. What an asshole, right?
C. Okay. I’ll park in this spot, within the lines and legally. I might even push a few carts back into a corral.
D. I only walk. By choice, not by necessity or even for health reasons. I just want people to see me walking and know that I’m more caring.
It’s time to do the job you are assigned.
A. You need to learn some respect for strong women. You can’t just tell me what to do.
B. Ugh. Just get off my back–I’ll do it when I do it, okay?
C. Cool. As long as I’m being treated legally and fairly, I will do my job, even if it’s not my favorite thing because I have to put food on the table and clothes on my fabulous ass.
Hey, you did a great job on that project. Way to go.
A. I know I did a great job, you’re just telling me what I already know. Get out of my face.
B. I don’t need your approval.
C. Thank you! I worked really hard–it’s nice to hear that others saw that. I want to do even better on the next one so I can keep ‘em on their toes. Drinks?
D. I’m still waiting on funds from Kickstarter to go through so I can begin the planning stages.
I could really use some help carrying my groceries in–my baby’s finally asleep after 2 days of insomnia.
A. I am not your servant. No one ever helped me do anything, and I’m amazing.
B. I GUESS I’LL HELP YOU OR WHATEVER. GOD. NOT LIKE I HAVE STUFF TO DO.
C. That’s great news for you. Let me help carry these in. Good luck!
D. You shop at a grocery store?
Congratulations on winning the lottery!
A. FUCK YOU. I deserve all of this, and you’re just so jealous you can’t even stand it. I can see it in your beady eyes. Aren’t I amazing?
B. FUCK YOU. I’m not a handout machine, got it?
C. Thank you. A stroke of pure luck. I can’t wait to use my money wisely to make my life even more fabulous, and donate to charity, too!
D. I don’t believe in money. Or chance.
Your Personal Role Model Is:
A. A Real Housewife Of ______________.
B. Bloody Mary
C. Meryl Streep
D. Elizabeth Gilbert
If you answered mostly A’s: Holy God, you unbelievable dick. You are such an asshole. You’re hiding behind a mask of being a “strong lady,” when in reality, you are bastardizing that entire idea. Like if someone made a crucifix out of delicious chocolate or telling me that Jennifer Lawrence isn’t a nice person in real life. You’re entitled to success without earning it because you are so goddamn fabulous/sexy/amazing/gorgeous/intelligent and fuck anyone else who questions your methods. Guess what, punkin? If everyone around you is an asshole, chances are…you’re the asshole. Clear it up, yo.
If you answered mostly B’s: You’re asshole-lite. Prickly and unforgiving and full of the knowledge that you must be those two things if you want to succeed in life. You trust no man or woman and you’re in everything only for yourself. Your face is permanently frozen with indignation and disgust, and you have few, if any, true and healthy friendships. Shape up, lady–get a better attitude and shit will start changing like you’d never believe.
If you answered mostly C’s: You are a strong lady, because you’re not an outrageous dick. You’re not perfect, but you own who you are and everything that comes with it–mistakes, successes, style, body, and all the changes, happiness, and sadness that come to you. You know the key to being a strong woman is not making excuses, doing what needs to be done, and working your ass off to be the person you want to be. We should all be so awesome as you.
If you answered mostly D’s: Judgmental Hipster Fucking Nonsense. Stop. You’re ridiculous. You couldn’t even find your vagina if someone showed you an ironic anatomy poster from 1963.
Where did you fall? Do you know someone who is an asshole or asshole-lite (or HFN)?– Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Jen: “I want to date a black man now just so I can get some of that poon chafe from the Brillo pubes. And I make a kickass cornbread, yo.”