You’ll Never Look At A National Park The Same Way Again

08/27/2012 · 28 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, Sadist Vagina, What Is Wrong With You?

In 8th grade, I thought myself quite the badass. I wore black studded bracelets. I had a boyfriend who was a skater. I wore high-water Wranglers and heather gray t-shirts relentlessly. I thought that I had seen and heard of everything in my infinite teenage wisdom. I was too cool for everything.

Then a company called ABSTINENCE RAD! came to teach sex-ed to my class. They were hired by the State of Colorado, a state known for having no fucking clue what its true values are, unless someone has pot brownies, in which case, values.

At the time, Colorado required sex-ed from 5th-8th grade, because the State Motto is “Discretion is the polio of puberty.” By this point, I knew that boys could pop boners, I knew that you could not pee on a pad in lieu of a toilet (a real question fielded by the first girl who got knocked up in my class) and I knew that sex was a thing that Colorado really, really did not want for anyone for any reason. Unless pot, in which case, sex.

“Whatever, motherfuckers,” I thought to my obliviously-nerdy self. “Bring on the period talk, I got this shit.”

What I was not prepared for, however, was that Colorado knew 8th grade was their last chance to reach your evil masturbating souls, so it was the year to really swing for the fallopians.

A poodle-haired woman dressed in a cherry-red tapered power-suit sat as uncomfortably as possible on a stool in the middle of the room, the desks arranged around her in a real-talk semicircle. No teacher was present. Both projector screens were deployed; the realness of the situation was palpable.  Poodly-Doo was about to rock our world with hate sex.

Poodly-Doo began the class by turning off the lights and stating that if we were uncomfortable, we were free to look away at any time. I was immediately incensed with the idea that we were about to see some unwanted tits from under her acetate wondersuit, but instead she brought up a slide of a taint–just a taint–ravaged with super herpes. I couldn’t look away. It was like seeing Bryce Canyon under a pair of balls.

If you have herpes, I am so sorry, because what I saw was horrifying. I will never judge you. I will only hurt for you.

She immediately launched into more and more slides of syphilitic cheeks (IT’S A THING), jock itch (NOT ACTUALLY AN STD), and sad tweens holding babies. It was a mindfuck. If I were deaf, I would have thought that when you become pregnant as a teen, your taint explodes, your cheeks are eaten away, and you get a chapped sack–all of which is wildly incorrect.

We were shown a diagram informing us of just how many people we really fucked with if we ever had sex even just once. The answer was about 36 trampy-ass women and at least 7 gay dudes, because apparently using homosexuality as a teen-pregnancy scare tactic was totally above-board because of course you would do that. Lesson I took from it? Every man you know has slept with a dude. Learnding, Colorado Style.

45 minutes in, everyone in the room was terrified of even looking at another person’s crotch for fear your own would spontaneously erupt in Bryce Canyon and the screams of the damned. Poodle VonDoodlier then turned on the lights and returned to her ‘just hangin’ with my pals’ stance on her stool. This is the point where the condoms should be tugged onto bananas, dashing the confidence of every middle-school boy in the nation. This is the point where ‘no, I won’t have sex with you on your Camaro because of standards’ methods of turning people down are discussed. This is the point where we’re told that if we’re smart about our bidness, we probably won’t die of Devil Aids.

Nope.

It was the point where Poodly-Doo began to cry. Terrible, wracking sobs came from deep within her alarmingly-stiff suit made us all feel as though somehow we’d disappointed Poodly with our horror.

“I have to schedule sex with my husband,” Poodly said through her tears. “I can’t manage myself, so every month we have to set up special days that we circle in purple on our calendar that he can put his penis in me without fear of losing control.”

Holy shit, I thought. Is this woman’s vagina The Hulk? What is going on?

“We have to time it too or I lose myself in the moment and everyone ends up hurt. If you’re not careful, you’ll end up like me. A sad lady teaching a class about STD’s who has to schedule sex with a husband who doesn’t love her anymore. Just last week he had to come and pick me up from the mall where I was sobbing because it was a purple circle day.”

The bell rang right then, leaving no time for further insight as to why this pattern of behavior had come about. I have always felt kind of sorry for Poodly, sitting on her stool of sadness with her probably sex-addiction and guaranteed STD Bingo. I have never known what to make of that day, and it still sticks in my mind as a wild outlier on the chart of How Days Should Go.

I still question whether her deeply-unsettling calendar speech was part of the program, or if Poodly just straight-up broke down in front of a room full of 8th graders. In either situation, the prospect is abysmally terrible. In either situation, an entire 8th grade class and an unknown number of future and past generations were left with the understanding that sex, even just once, causes unhinged sex addiction, super-herpes, Hepatitis, AIDS, Hulk Vagina, homosexuality, demons, crop failures, and Kim Kardashian.

Happy Back-To-School. Enjoy your renewed faith in the educational system in imparting critical life knowledge on your children.

What’s your weirdest school experience?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Dana The Biped: “Give it a few years. The joke will still be funny, but the dick will be old. That makes it especially funny.” 
Becky Parrish August 27, 2012 at 6:08 am

My Mama told me if I sex before I was married I would like it so much that I would become a whore. It scared the shit out of me so bad that after I got married I was glad I listened to her.

Misty August 27, 2012 at 7:35 am

I remember very little of my sex ed. We had a boys v. girls one in 5th grade, where they took each sex into a different room and then showed us some video about . . . something. Obviously it was a very significant moment in my life, based on the above specific details. Then . . . . high school with the condom on the banana, et al. Then again, I was a virgin until I was 17, so maybe it worked. Yep, that’s what I’m gonna blame it on. Not the fact that I was a painfully shy and awkward dork until that point. Sex Ed FTW!
Misty recently posted..If I Said You Have A Great Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?

JenB August 27, 2012 at 8:10 am

It was the early 1980’s for me….7th grade. Back then they hauled out the dreaded Childbirth Film. It looked like it was made in 1960, and had the requisite crotch shrubbery. I swear they found the most stomach churning birth possible – who knew there could be a bodily-fluid rainbow of that many angry colors? My poor 13 year old eyeballs would never be the same again.

Apparently it had the desired effect – I didn’t have my own child til I was 27, and even then I was scared shitless.
JenB recently posted..Puddles And Butt Cutt

Mayor Gia August 27, 2012 at 8:26 am

WHAAAAAAT?! Holy traumatic. Poodly sounds unbalanced. We had uncomfortable sex talks but never like that. Looks like the east coast maybe got something right (mid atlantic states of course. not the south.)
Mayor Gia recently posted..Mayor Gia’s Creation Story

Rachel August 27, 2012 at 9:10 am

When I was in 7th grade, I was going to school in a very, very Catholic town. So for our sex ed they hauled the Catholic school kids in 6th-12th grades over to the public school I went to, and we had one giant abstinence convention. We saw slides of horrible diseases that we would catch if our “Godly parts” touched somebody else’s “Godly parts” before we were married in the eyes of God, we saw pictures of stillborn and deformed babies that God would curse us with if we had sex before marriage, and then to top it all off, we got the whole “you’re having sex with every single person that your partner has had sex with”, but they really decided to drive that point home by having us get up out of our seats (we were grouped by class), and mix all the 6-12th graders up, and then they handed out envelopes. You had to open the envelope, read it to yourself, and then pass it to somebody who was sitting close to you. I was handed the envelope by a senior boy sitting next to me, and the speaker asked me to open my envelope and then stand up and say “I, insert name here, was given insert disease here, by insert other name here.” So I had to stand up and say, in front of over 100 people, that I, Rachel, was given syphillis by *name redacted, but we’ll call him the most popular senior boy in school*. Yeah. That went well. Oh, we were also informed that anal sex wasn’t really sex and if you just had to have sex, that was the way to go. Apparently God doesn’t care what you do as long as there is no penis in vagina action. Ah, good old Texas Catholic abstinence.

Jillian August 27, 2012 at 10:27 am

New life plan: Make posters slash gigantic flash cards of STD infected hoo-has, and sell them around the country. No longer just for horribly inaccurate, scare-you-abstinent sex education, but also for deterring unwanted missionaries at one’s front door and for fanning oneself on a hot summer’s day.
Jillian recently posted..Just Leave The Cow In The Bathroom

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd August 27, 2012 at 11:10 am

I remember two things about sex-ed/sex talks: 1. I was sick when it was taught in 5th grade, so I had to deal with it by myself as make-up homework, and I was all, “what the fuck?” and 2. hiding behind an open bathroom door against the wall yelling, “stop! stop!” while my mom tried to talk to me about it.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..How to not do a magic trick: a complete guide.

Leauxra August 27, 2012 at 11:34 am

Holy shit! I had the talk FIVE TIMES in Colorado public schools, and I was pretty sure I would get pregnant and ruined the first time I had sex. Hell, I even got a talk by a Domestic Violence Hotline chick.

A couple years later, my sister went through the same schools, but the fundies had managed to remove all sex education from the curriculum. There was an explosion of babies and STDs in her year, and lots of girls who thought they were dying because they got their period.

You would think there could be SOME middle ground.

Todd August 27, 2012 at 11:53 am

Shit. My son is named Bryce Canyon. I shit you not. Yes his middle name IS Canyon. Yes I USED to think that was a cool fucking name. Now I have this phrase to live with: “a taint–ravaged with super herpes. I couldn’t look away. It was like seeing Bryce Canyon under a pair of balls.”

My son’s name… synonymous with super herpes… *sigh*.
Todd recently posted..Thanks Akismet!

Jillian August 27, 2012 at 6:58 pm

You never cease to amaze me. Please apologize to your son for how hard I just laughed. Or don’t. He probably should never know about this moment.
Jillian recently posted..Just Leave The Cow In The Bathroom

Todd August 28, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Haha, yeah. I’m keeping this whole blog post from him. Some things he doesn’t need to know.
Todd recently posted..With My Credit, You Kids Gotta Stick to Just Naps

Jen August 27, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Weirdest school experience had to be the anti-drug rally where our keynote speaker was Ken Kesey. Huh. How’d that whole “drug-free” thing work for YOU, Kenny?

Jaime August 27, 2012 at 12:55 pm

the only thing I remember about sex ed is a song about bad touching from the 7os.
Jaime recently posted..the past is behind us…

Cowgirl Red August 27, 2012 at 2:28 pm

My daughter called me at work upon returning home from school the day of the sex-ed talk in our Wyoming school. She was alarmed! She said mom “What are hormones” Which I explained to her. She was so relieved. The whole time they were talking about “when you get hormones… blah blah blah will happen to your body ” she had them confused with “hemroids” and that had her very alarmed. I couldn’t stop laughing on the phone and I think that scarred her for life. Hahah makes me laugh out loud right now. Terah
Cowgirl Red recently posted..“Our Lady” Art Pillow

Dana the Biped August 27, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Sex ed at school? HA! I grew up on a rabbit farm, and from the time I was old enough to toddle out to the barn until I was about fifteen I really thought the boy partner heaved for about four seconds, screamed, and then fell off. Because, you know, rabbit sex.

And then I went to college and learned that’s actually pretty accurate.
Dana the Biped recently posted..It’s Friday–Your Boss Definitely Probably Won’t Mind You Wasting a Couple of Hours

Jana August 27, 2012 at 5:36 pm

My freshman year in High School (No. California, least you think I was one of those slutty beachy Cali’s) we watched the STD slides. The fact that we witnessed genital wart slides that looked like an overgrown cauliflower patch still haunts me to this day. How could you let a huge patch of veggies grow from your crotch? How can you let things get that BAD? How do you NOT notice??

Oh and the close up slides of crotch “crabs” make eating the yummy crab from the Sea difficult for a while! Cauliflower is still a no.
Jana recently posted..Popping Boobies, Sugar Daddies, and calling it like we see it!

Jaclyn August 27, 2012 at 7:03 pm

My 9th grade sex-ed class was taught by the CREEPY gym teacher. Creepy gym teacher showed us a video of a woman giving birth, rewinding and replaying the part where the baby crowned over and over and over again.

During my senior year, creepy gym teacher (who had 3 kids in the school at the time) was thrown in jail for fucking my 17 year old classmate. His wife bailed him out of jail and he promptly jumped in front of a train and killed himself. True story.
Jaclyn recently posted..Asshole, Dick, Fuck. In That Order.

Stacey August 27, 2012 at 7:16 pm

Our sex ed classes focused mostly on all the horrible STDs we could get (but didn’t explain about condoms). Then they showed us one of those “miracle of life” films that scarred us for life.
Stacey recently posted..Reality Check

Quinn August 27, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Back in 8th grade, BCHS (go CO schools!) had a week long unit where nice, white haired old ladies with wooden phalluses came and taught the wonders of sex-ed. We didn’t get that in advanced bio. No, we got the usual teacher storming in and wrecking our notions of sexuality by speaking to us like her peers. I didn’t need to know how to put on a condom orally at 14…
Quinn recently posted..Bad Berkley! Put it away,…

Mad Shady Girl August 28, 2012 at 10:28 am

Sex Ed in a Bronx Catholic School: “If you do this, YOU WILL BURN IN HELL”. All the nun’s talks pretty much ended this way. I just remember looking over at the pregnant chick in our class and feeling really bad for her. She was cool people.
Mad Shady Girl recently posted..GLUTTENOUS EATS: Dominican Eggs

Staje August 28, 2012 at 12:12 pm

I too went to Colorado schools and in 5th grade (around say 1977) we were shown a lot of films about chickens developing and hatching. For some reason the boys and girls had to be separated for this exercise. Also there was one girl who had to be in her own pod presumably because her parents were some kind of crazy religion that doesn’t believe in chickens. One day were were encouraged to write anonymous questions and put them in a box for the teacher to answer. To emphasize just how unclear the teaching had been to this point, this was my question: Can a woman pee and have her period at the same time? There was something very South Park about it. Then there was no sex (apparently) until 8th grade when you could take a ‘Health’ class (it was not a requirement) and in my school it was taught by a very angry lesbian woman (I know this in retrospect, I don’t think it had occurred to me at the time) who despite being very angry actually taught a good class with relevant information. It was one of the only useful classes I took in junior high.

Randi August 28, 2012 at 6:19 pm

I…I…I have no words. That’s just…wah?

I’m afraid to admit that in good ole MN we had a very thorough co-ed sex Ed session in 5th grade. Afterwards, they separated the genders for Q&A. The only question us girls had: can a boy pee in you? Luckily not. We were all vastly relieved.

However, in high school health class, the male instructor let us all know that if you tongue the side of your cheek, that’s what a vagina feels like. Thanks health class dude. Cause, everyone was checking out their cheeks for the rest of the day.

Maren August 28, 2012 at 7:16 pm

I was lucky enough to experience sex education in three different locations during my childhood – MN, NJ, and PA. Now, I didn’t pay close attention in class because I already knew everything there was to learn about dongs and vag, thanks to the “special book” my parents had on the bookshelf in their bedroom. Three distinct memories come to mind:

1. 4th grade in MN – A video of a mother showing her daughter how the female reproductive system works by illustrating it with pancake batter on a griddle. I wondered who claimed the uterus for breakfast, as it was clearly the largest of all the pancakes. My girlfriends and I then proceeded to order a trial pack of tampons for our friend Bryan.
2. 6th grade in NJ – My teacher started a “question box” for anonymous questions. Apparently, she wasn’t smart enough to screen the questions before pulling them from the box, and we spent at least 10 minutes, if not 30, discussing “what a queef is”.
3. 9th grade in PA – We were shown a thermal image of a boner in progress. It was all glowy and rainbow colored! I just HAD to see one in real life. So much for preventing teenage sex…

But I was ready, anyway. I had my dong and vag knowledge from the special book, I knew my uterus and Fallopian tubes could be artistically rendered using pancake batter, I knew my vagina could fart out air, and I knew penises turned into glowing rainbows during boner time. What else did I need to know?

Valerie August 28, 2012 at 9:14 pm

If I had a Hulk Vagina, I would rule the fucking world… Not cry about it to some kids. What a waste.

Hugs!

Valerie
Valerie recently posted..Did I mention I have the power to marry people?

Elizabeth August 29, 2012 at 10:18 am

We had a question box like Maren once. Our classes were 50 minutes long. That class, we got no work done and I think several people including myself may have peed a little from laughing. Another class included the teacher bringing in several forms of contraception and showing them to us. When the teacher had to leave the room someone had poured the lube all over the table and someone was tossing the plastic penis model around the room.

Jessica August 29, 2012 at 11:07 am

I remember one of the boys asking what happens if the string come off an a tampon is stuck inside a girl. My teacher was very flustered and assured him that girls have ways of getting it out.

Aly September 29, 2012 at 12:03 am

My high school taught us how to put condoms on with our mouths.

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Yeah.

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