Of all the interesting hobbies, ReBorn dolls are possibly the weirdest. ReBorn dolls are collectibles meant to look like real babies for the purpose of ‘reasons’. Some people have them when they cannot have real children or have lost children or are possibly homicidal.
ReBorn dolls are both deeply unsettling to own and even weirder to make them (the process involves baking life-like baby body parts), but who am I to judge what you love? Who am I to say, “your art is too strange for me to comprehend, and I can’t frown hard enough at your creation.”
I’M NOA GODDAMN GAVIN.
Let’s begin, Ashton-Drake Doll Collections. Let’s Begin.
Tippy Toes Statue of Everlasting Horror
Can you imagine having this abomination in your home? Can you imagine walking into your office everyday with this bowlegged monkey-toed nightmare fuel staring your deepest fears right in the eyes? Can you imagine paying more than $100 for this?
Where is this child’s pelvis? If we’re going for realism here, I’m going to say that this baby has a terrible case of the deformities with a side of tragic hairline. Someone get this baby a sketchbook and some black eyeliner, because there are emo days ahead.
Sidenote: That’s some shit-ass ruffle placement.
This Is A Desirable Thing Apparently
This baby just smelled a fart, and that fart is your existence because you don’t know how much fun it is to own a motorcycle and experience the culture. This baby is his own worst enemy because there are zero cultures I wish to experience who feel that bandannas, vinyl vests and diapers are appropriate loungewear. This baby has never heard of sweatpants, but he’s about to hear about the back of my hand, because this baby is going to get fucking slapped if he doesn’t wipe that sassy look off his face real goddamn quickly.
Sidenote: Seriously, fuck you, baby. Fuck you and your poorly-rendered helmet to death.
These two ReBorn dolls are so fucking strange by themselves, but they are the tamest dolls available for purchase. This is where we take a left turn from What-The-Fuck and head straight into Crazytown.
I See What You Did There
While on some level, I can understand why some people love ReBorn dolls, I cannot understand why anyone would want this unholy piece of shit in their home. Did you know monkeys are wild-ass animals and will murder you? That’s what this one is plotting right here, with her shifty eyes and her unfortunate wing-sleeves. Someone probably has this in their home, named it Alyssa, and brings it to jewelry parties as her plus-one. None of her friends will speak to her anymore, but that’s okay because Alyssa is there for her every time she gets out of the shower, even though she swears Alyssa was left on the bureau.
Sidenote: Has this doll designer ever seen a human child or a monkey?
This designer really aimed for monkey, but landed on ass-ruptured baby Klingon instead. Seriously, what is coming about of the back of this horror beast? Her dull and literally glassy stare, her five-o’clock shadow, her horrifyingly flat face–and those safety pins are grossly oversized. Because safety and realism, asshat.
Sidenote: This thing is the worst representation of a primate I have ever seen.
WRONG AGAIN MOTHERFUCKER
I have shit better monkeys than this one. What type of monkey is this, exactly? Was the designer unaware that there are different kinds, or did he just go for general monkey and arrive at this masterpiece of Sculpey Clay Shitshow? I’m not convinced this person has ever seen a tail, because that is an earthworm with a bad pube situation coming out of the ass to steal a banana. This pug-nosed bastard laughs in the face of things reasonable people spend their money on. For just one moment, sit and realize that this exists because there is a demand for it.
Sidenote: Can’t get stranger than baby Henry Kissinger blowing a banana.
For The Love Of God
There are times when I think I’m being too hard on mankind. Times when I reason, “the world, nor the people in it, can’t be all that bad. Maybe everything is normal and I’m the insane one. Maybe I’ve not given enough credit to the human race.”
And then I interact with the world around me and realize that no, I was right all along.
Have you ever known someone with a weird collection or had one yourself? Tell us about it! Also, what possible purpose could these things serve other than air-cannon ammunition?
Sidenote to the entire post: I’m embarrassed at how much I desperately want this monkey.– Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Johi: “I’m so excited that I momentarily forgot that I am sitting in a room filled with dried Play-doh, cat hair, the shattered dreams of my unused art supplies and random puzzle pieces scattered on the floor. I look forward to seeing what will come of the League!”