What Am I Doing With My Life

08/13/2012 · 41 comments

in Dead Animals, How Did My Life Come To This, What Is Wrong With You?

Of all the interesting hobbies, ReBorn dolls are possibly the weirdest. ReBorn dolls are collectibles meant to look like real babies for the purpose of ‘reasons’. Some people have them when they cannot have real children or have lost children or are possibly homicidal.

ReBorn dolls are both deeply unsettling to own and even weirder to make them (the process involves baking life-like baby body parts), but who am I to judge what you love? Who am I to say, “your art is too strange for me to comprehend, and I can’t frown hard enough at your creation.”

I’M NOA GODDAMN GAVIN.

Let’s begin, Ashton-Drake Doll Collections. Let’s Begin.

Tippy Toes Statue of Everlasting Horror

Can you imagine having this abomination in your home? Can you imagine walking into your office everyday with this bowlegged monkey-toed nightmare fuel staring your deepest fears right in the eyes? Can you imagine paying more than $100 for this?

Where is this child’s pelvis? If we’re going for realism here, I’m going to say that this baby has a terrible case of the deformities with a side of tragic hairline. Someone get this baby a sketchbook and some black eyeliner, because there are emo days ahead.

Sidenote: That’s some shit-ass ruffle placement.

This Is A Desirable Thing Apparently

This baby just smelled a fart, and that fart is your existence because you don’t know how much fun it is to own a motorcycle and experience the culture. This baby is his own worst enemy because there are zero cultures I wish to experience who feel that bandannas, vinyl vests and diapers are appropriate loungewear. This baby has never heard of sweatpants, but he’s about to hear about the back of my hand, because this baby is going to get fucking slapped if he doesn’t wipe that sassy look off his face real goddamn quickly.

Sidenote: Seriously, fuck you, baby. Fuck you and your poorly-rendered helmet to death.

These two ReBorn dolls are so fucking strange by themselves, but they are the tamest dolls available for purchase. This is where we take a left turn from What-The-Fuck and head straight into Crazytown. 

I See What You Did There

While on some level, I can understand why some people love ReBorn dolls, I cannot understand why anyone would want this unholy piece of shit in their home. Did you know monkeys are wild-ass animals and will murder you? That’s what this one is plotting right here, with her shifty eyes and her unfortunate wing-sleeves. Someone probably has this in their home, named it Alyssa, and brings it to jewelry parties as her plus-one. None of her friends will speak to her anymore, but that’s okay because Alyssa is there for her every time she gets out of the shower, even though she swears Alyssa was left on the bureau.

Sidenote: Has this doll designer ever seen a human child or a monkey?

NOPE.

This designer really aimed for monkey, but landed on ass-ruptured baby Klingon instead. Seriously, what is coming about of the back of this horror beast? Her dull and literally glassy stare, her five-o’clock shadow, her horrifyingly flat face–and those safety pins are grossly oversized. Because safety and realism, asshat.

Sidenote: This thing is the worst representation of a primate I have ever seen.

WRONG AGAIN MOTHERFUCKER

I have shit better monkeys than this one. What type of monkey is this, exactly? Was the designer unaware that there are different kinds, or did he just go for general monkey and arrive at this masterpiece of Sculpey Clay Shitshow? I’m not convinced this person has ever seen a tail, because that is an earthworm with a bad pube situation coming out of the ass to steal a banana. This pug-nosed bastard laughs in the face of things reasonable people spend their money on. For just one moment, sit and realize that this exists because there is a demand for it.

Sidenote: Can’t get stranger than baby Henry Kissinger blowing a banana.

For The Love Of God

Fuck you right up the chuck wagon, Ashton-Drake Galleries.

There are times when I think I’m being too hard on mankind. Times when I reason, “the world, nor the people in it, can’t be all that bad. Maybe everything is normal and I’m the insane one. Maybe I’ve not given enough credit to the human race.”

And then I interact with the world around me and realize that no, I was right all along.

Have you ever known someone with a weird collection or had one yourself? Tell us about it! Also, what possible purpose could these things serve other than air-cannon ammunition?

Sidenote to the entire post: I’m embarrassed at how much I desperately want this monkey.

Favorite Comment From The Last Post
From Johi: “I’m so excited that I momentarily forgot that I am sitting in a room filled with dried Play-doh, cat hair, the shattered dreams of my unused art supplies and random puzzle pieces scattered on the floor. I look forward to seeing what will come of the League!” 
Mayor Gia August 13, 2012 at 6:52 am

WHAT THE WHAAAAAAAT? The baby in the second one – AHHHHHH. There is no way babies can make expressions like that on their faces that young. Unless they’re possessed by satan.
Mayor Gia recently posted..I’m a Sneaky Ninja Spy.

Angie August 13, 2012 at 7:22 am

I swear that the universe gives us these gifts of fucking ridiculousness just so we can make fun of them. Or I am underestimating the number of lunatics out there who are the target sales demographic for these monstrosities.
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Misty August 13, 2012 at 7:48 am

Oh Noa. No. Just . . . no. Step away from the crazy. You have researched yourself into not realizing that you have become one of them. No finger monkey for you! Please come back to us, Noa. Step away from the shithouse light!
Misty recently posted..You Dropped a Bomb on Me, Baby

Dave in Sherman August 13, 2012 at 8:49 am

Well, yeah. That’s a little crazy. Until you go here:

http://www.realdoll.com/

At least you arn’t planning on fucking the monkey.

Dave
Dave in Sherman recently posted..Week #8

Danielle Geer August 13, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Oh dear Lord. I innocently clicked on that link in front of the precious little girls I’m baby sitting, assuming it was some ungodly abomination of what someone who’s never seen an actual live baby assumes they look like and BAM!!

“Aunt Dani? What is that? Where are her clothes? Why is she naked? What are you looking at?”

Thanks for the warning, DAVE IN SHERMAN.
Danielle Geer recently posted..Breakdown of a Breakdown

Jen August 13, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Oh shit. Of course I had to look, kind of like when someone says, “Euw, this tastes disgusting! Try it.” And I do. . . I always do. Aaaaaaand now I can officially say I’ve looked at porn at work. yea, me!
Jen recently posted..Celebrity Spotting in NYC

Jillian August 13, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Thank you for actually calling it “porn at work.” Otherwise I, too, would have clicked on it while I am sitting in a church monitoring teens. It can wait until tonight.
Jillian recently posted..Meet Craig

Dave in Sherman August 19, 2012 at 12:27 am

My bad. I thought the comment about “fucking the monkey” would be a little bit of a heads up. I’ll amp it up a little next time.
Dave

Kelly Fox August 13, 2012 at 9:19 am

God’s Green Underpants! Here I am innocently sitting at my desk, sipping at my morning coffee (when I say sipping I mean chugging away like a longshoreman) and what do I see? Effigys from Satan! Those things would make Martha Stewart’s Ovaries dry up! WTF is up with the last monkey baby demon spawn thing? That motherfucker scares me, and now I will have nightmares about it eating my eyeballs while I sleep.
Kelly Fox recently posted..Nothin’ but net!

Rachel August 13, 2012 at 10:10 am

I know that you have no idea Noa, but I have a bit of a phobia about dolls. It stems from seeing Child’s Play at a very young age and then being terrorized by my cousin’s My Buddy doll, which was creepy enough on it’s own but was intensified by seeing it brought to life on my tv with a potty mouth and butcher knife. I thought that thing was the creature of my darkest nightmares. Turns out I was very wrong, and now my “bit of a phobia about dolls” is full-blown fucking terror. I also hate/fear monkeys now. Look for my therapy/prescription bills in the mail.

Lianne Marie Binks August 13, 2012 at 10:17 am

I can never unsee what I have just seen. Wibble.
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Jen August 13, 2012 at 11:09 am

My short people did not look unlike the simian babies when they were born (preemies ain’t pretty, yo) but for the love of Allah I saw no need to immortalize them in ceramic and biker jackets. The next thing you know they’ll be making fetuses encased in lucite that twisted motherfuckers can give to their sisters as a baby shower gift. Oh. . .wait. . .
Jen recently posted..Celebrity Spotting in NYC

Danielle Geer August 13, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Ummm…. what?

*blink*

I didn’t think it got any more horrible that those horrible baby shower cakes that feature pregnant bellies with a fucking baby foot sticking out.

Just… ew.
Danielle Geer recently posted..Breakdown of a Breakdown

Jen August 13, 2012 at 2:23 pm

I know, right? Who in the name of all that is unholy would BUY such a thing? ((*cough*Noa*cough*))
Jen recently posted..Celebrity Spotting in NYC

Danielle Geer August 13, 2012 at 8:42 pm

Oh, come now, Jen…. not OUR Noa…
Danielle Geer recently posted..Breakdown of a Breakdown

starle August 13, 2012 at 11:23 am

Those are fucking horrible. Just horrible. Why would you do this to us Noa? WHY?
starle recently posted..Why Americans are not Popular. Why is ice a problem?

Kandice Zisk August 22, 2012 at 1:44 am

This is really horrible. I don’t want to have this.
Kandice Zisk recently posted..Increase your Sexual Performance Naturally

stark. raving. mad. mommy. August 13, 2012 at 11:37 am

Have you checked out the reborn, undead dolls? Go ahead and Google “reborn goth baby.” But maybe take an Atavan first or something.
stark. raving. mad. mommy. recently posted..Is Autism a Reason to Deny a Heart Transplant?

Dana the Biped August 13, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Noa, I am very concerned. That finger monkey doesn’t come with the hand, does it?
Dana the Biped recently posted..Spot and Dot Meet the World

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd August 13, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Don’t you worry that if you stare at them too long you’ll start to like them? That is my biggest fear when watching or researching things to make fun of.
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Danielle Geer August 13, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Holy Mother of God. Fetus Monkey sucking on a banana looks like an abortion. WTF is wrong with people? It’s all fun and games until your best friend loses her face when your pet chimp flies into a rage and has a hissy fit.

Kristi August 13, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Oh god! MY EYES. This CAN NOT BE UNSEEN!!
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Jillian August 13, 2012 at 5:09 pm

They also cure constipation, but I don’t think that was the intention of the creators.
Jillian recently posted..Meet Craig

Johi August 13, 2012 at 7:22 pm

I pretty much just feel like crying right now. Wasn’t it you that once said, “What has been seen, cannot be unseen.”?
Johi recently posted..Wrapping Up BlogHer 2012

Kianwi August 13, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Oh! This is fantastic! There was an episode of My Strange Obsession on TLC that showed women who treat these dolls like real babies! One even made her husband and son treat it like it was real, too. It’s like Toddlers and Tiaras, only creepier. Okay, maybe not. Ooh, I love me some crazy people :)

Delfin Joaquin Paris III August 13, 2012 at 9:21 pm

This is why I always pull out.
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Grace August 13, 2012 at 10:21 pm

Finger monkey has already been ordered as your Christmas present. You are welcome

Haley August 13, 2012 at 11:16 pm

The 2nd monkey has vagina ears. I shit you not, it’s right ear looks like an honest to God vagina. Somewhere there is a group of men laughing because this doll and it’s strangely placed vagina have been purchased and are now in display in homes across America. This is whats wrong with our country.

Sharon Glover August 14, 2012 at 4:51 am

I think I will not spend my time taking care of reborn dolls. Perhaps, I will consider adopting real baby not adopting reborn dolls.
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Ren August 14, 2012 at 5:14 am

BRAIN BLEACH! Brain bleach in aisle five!!!!!!!
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Robyn August 14, 2012 at 6:34 am

I need an old priest and a young priest!!!!

Shantelle Broze August 14, 2012 at 8:13 am

I don’t like the reborn monkey dolls. I can’t sustain on this creation.
Shantelle Broze recently posted..Tips to Whiter Teeth and a Brighter Smile

Janene August 14, 2012 at 11:06 am

I’m sorry, but nothing takes a candle to seeing some of the shit that goes down on Regretsy. What some people think as “classy” art really does astound me. Regresty shit is legendary.

Monica August 14, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Wait…so people WANT dolls that look like taxidermied babies? Regretsy, here I come!
Monica recently posted..Don’t let The Man take your phasers

FFW August 14, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Not to sound too judge-y….Oh, fuck it. That’s some scary-ass shit. The only thing scarier are people that buy strollers and outfits for their ugly-ass yap dogs.

I’m in the middle of a horrendous period, while in freakishly early menopause, so I *might* be too emotional about creepy dolls and creepier monkey babies.

Or not.
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Danielle Geer August 14, 2012 at 3:01 pm

I may or may not be seriously jealous of your freakishly early menopause. I’m almost 50 and still bleed like a motherfucker every 28 days.

TMI but you started it.
Danielle Geer recently posted..The one where I’ll never be naked again

NATurally Inappropriate August 14, 2012 at 4:12 pm

38 and no more bleeding for me. It’s like a fucking gift every goddamn month. My friends are all dealing with cramps, and I laugh in their faces. Suck it bitches, having a uterus sucks!

In other news, every fucking thing in this post was disturbing on so many levels I can’t even count them.
NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..I think my kids may be assholes

Valerie August 14, 2012 at 9:32 pm

I am going to stock up on every single one of these and give them to people who invite me to their stupid wedding/baby showers. That’ll learn ‘em.

Hugs!

Valerie
Valerie recently posted..Monday is trying to eat my soul… thru my asshole

lisa from insignificant at best August 15, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Those dolls are the stuff of nightmares. They are the very reason we have horror movies about dolls. I can’t even fathom the reason why anyone would actually WANT one of those. In fact I’m convinced they are solely created so that people can send them to their worst enemies. In turn the “doll” then does all sorts of evil things to said enemy.
lisa from insignificant at best recently posted..The Return of Welcome Wednesday!

Rachel August 15, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Check out the website of the artist who does the monkey sculptures…

http://simonlaurens.webs.com/aboutme.htm

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