The T-Rex Really Brings Out My Cleavage And The Poor Human Condition

08/06/2012 · 37 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, Psychological Warfare, What Is Wrong With You?

My line between rage-towards and utter-fascination-with other people in the world is razor thin, and being put in situations where large numbers of diverse people will gather–airports, parks, museums–will only serve to show me how absolutely insane we are as a species.

I spent an entire day in the American Museum of Natural History in New York City recently. It was spectacular; the exhibits were brilliant, the Hayden Planetarium was fascinating, and the people also attending the museum with me were a never-ending wondrous sideshow of crazytown.

I was so affected by the idiocy of the people around me (not all, but many) that I thought, “Oh Great Neil deGrasse Tyson, please let us evolve past this one day, because this stage of humankind is just the worst.” And then I went into the evolution display, heard people talking in there, and decided that maybe we’re too dumb as a species to let ourselves get any further.

I want to lay out some ground rules for humankind in regards to museum visitation. Read, follow, and enjoy.

  1. If your kid won’t listen to you at home, he won’t listen to you when he’s wildly overstimulated by the presence of Jurassic monsters and thousands of people. Learn to corral that miniature dickbag or leave his ass at home.
  2. If your kid spins with his arms stretched wide in a room full of people and you say, “He’s so fascinated with the world he just has to be a part of it,” then you should expect dirty looks, because you’re a ridiculous hippy asshat.
  3. You should never pose seductively in front of a dinosaur, and declare, “I am going to put this on Facebook and get more likes than that whore Jenny.”
  4. You should never pose seductively in front of a dinosaur if you’re 10 years old.
  5. While standing in the Timeline of our Universe, which displays the fact that supernovas and the Big Bang created everything from which we are made, no one wants to hear you prosthelytize. You may say, “JESUS NEVER TALKED ABOUT THAT THERE BIG BANG,” but I assure you, the planetarium is not the place to start a religious revolt against physics. Also, you are a douchewagon.
  6. Want a photo of that thing everyone is looking at? Then you can either wait until the museum closes or you can have a million people in the picture. DEAL WITH IT, HO. You aren’t the only special snowflake.
  7. Put down your fucking cameras. For just one second, take in the the sight of where you are standing–realize that the bones in front of you are millions of years old, and the fact that they once existed is incredible. Taking pictures to remember things later is insignificant if you never experienced it in the first place.
  8. Say excuse me, motherfucker. There are a million people here. The least you could do is be aware of when you slam into my sternum with your purse full of hepatitis needles.
  9. Take the racism down to zero when learning about other cultures. A Geisha is not a whore. The Mayan Sun Stone is not the harbinger of terrorism thanks to poor immigration laws. Confucius is not a “Ching Chong Charlie,” as you so delightfully told your four-year-old.
    1. Sidebar: Mother of God, CHING CHONG CHARLIE? I need to take a minute to even process how goddamn terrible that is. Ma’am, you bounced your baby on your knee and said, “can you say ching chong ching chong? Because that’s what those people say!” HOLY SHIT THAT IS THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD. Do you even know how important Confucius is to modern society, especially to the most populous nation on Earth? I hope you choke on your sesame chicken after you make a joke about it being made of cats. I hope it is made of the rarest chicken just to spite you.
  10. Step back. We will all get into the display/planetarium/elevator/bathroom in a reasonable amount of time. Getting all up in my butthole will not get you there any sooner.
  11. Take smart phones/games/DVD players/other assorted fuckery away from children in museums. They don’t need something to keep them occupied in a building where literally every surface is designed to keep them occupied. Read them the inscriptions, talk to them about what they’re seeing. They will learn something, and everyone will be better off for it.
  12. Are you a college student under the age of 20, who is perhaps majoring in any kind of science? No one gives any fucks what you have to say! Responding to a placard that explains a star to be, “A giant burning ball of gas,” with, “well that’s awfully simplistic,” makes you an arrogant gasbag and not a scholar.
  13. Shut. The fuck. Up.

Read. Learn. Ask questions if there are people there for you to do so. Take pictures of things that you really want to remember or research further. Exist in the history that surrounds you, because it’s fucking incredible, and you’re going to miss everything amazing in life because you’re an asshole.

What have you seen in a museum/assorted crowded attraction that haunts you?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Myth: “I love how she calls attractive men and women “boners.” Try adding that to your vernacular, you’ll laugh so hard you’ll turn blue. “Look at that lady’s amazing boner! Lucky little bitch.” “Did you see that huge boner in last night’s basketball game? I didn’t know they could get that big!” “I need a boner to take to my aunt’s wedding or everyone will be asking me when I’m going to get one of my own!”

 

Melbourne on my mind August 6, 2012 at 2:30 am

I used to work in a museum, so I probably have more of these stories than most, but I’ll try and limit myself to the least boring ones. My favourite object label of all time said “The maker of this clay pot shows clear signs of post-modernist and cubist influences.” Apparently the maker of that clay pot was a motherfucking time traveller, because that clay pot was from 2500BC.

Story #2: I once saw a kid get his head wedged between the wall and the leg of a sofa. The kid screamed bloody murder while his dad sat there playing Angry Birds on his iPhone. I sat back thinking “Survival of the fittest, kid. Sucks to be you.”

Story #3: While installing a new exhibition, I had to help put a taxidermied kangaroo into a showcase. Said kangaroo started to tip over, and we had to grab whatever bit was nearest us. And that’s the story of how I ended up grabbing a taxidermied kangaroo’s nutsack. While a group of school kids stood on the nearby balcony and took photos. If that wasn’t the best work day ever, I don’t know what was.
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Becky August 6, 2012 at 2:50 am

I always had a love/hate relationship with the Museum of Natural History in NYC. My kids and I LOVED it. We didn’t, however, love all the crowds and asshats that never failed to NEED to visit the same day we did. I love the rules. They should be posted at the door and the museum should have bouncers milling around. With so many people, it just shouldn’t be allowed to act like a Douche.
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Krista August 6, 2012 at 4:40 am

I LOVE LOVE LOVE museums. Like, the Smithsonian Institution gives me a huge history boner. I will watch Mysteries at the Museum for days on end and still not be tired of it. The King Tut exhibit coming to Denver was one of the highlights of my College life. I could literally live in the British Museum and die a happy woman. BUT I ABSOLUTELY FUCKING HATE MUSEUM PEOPLE. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST JUST LEAVE ME ALONE TO GEEK OUT OVER HISTORY AND ARCHAEOLOGY AND THE HUGE FUCKING IMPACT IT HAS ON OUR WORLD. Shut your damn kid up, or your ass is getting drop kicked out of this motherfucker.

Angie Pelekidis August 6, 2012 at 7:28 am

Brilliant! I can’t decide which one of these items I like best because they’re all amazing, but 7 and 12 stand out for me. I sometimes wonder if something happens to people when they are massed together, if it’s like their mental capacity shrinks as some sort of stupid group mind takes over. Or if it’s simply that the more people there are somewhere, the greater the number of dumb asses will be present. Yeah, it’s probably the second thing.
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Monica August 6, 2012 at 8:40 am

I have mixed feelings about kids being given toys to keep them occupied. On one hand, what the hell is wrong with your kid that Facebook is more interesting than the WHOLE MOTHERFUCKING WORLD. On the other hand, if it’s keeping them from ruining my visit, fuck it. Let them read about dinosaurs on the Internet.
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RuthC August 6, 2012 at 8:56 am

Oh wow. Yeah… Museums are as bad as National Parks for bringing the stupid out in people. Although posing seductively in front of a T-Rex skeleton isn’t quite as dangerous as running up to and posing seductively in front of an elk or griz as I’ve seen people do in Yellowstone. I guess it’s important to look sexy while being gored or mauled. Makes for great photos for the rest of us though.

Mayor Gia August 6, 2012 at 9:23 am

Oooof, I really can’t handle poorly behaved kids. Or stupid parents. Or other people in general.
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Morgan S. August 6, 2012 at 9:25 am

Well, I don’t recall public douchebaggery specific to museums, but the public is the public no matter where they go. A few of my faves:

At the zoo:

A father standing in front of a sign as large as himself on which is written: “RED MANED WOLF.” Pointing over the sign to the indicated animal, he says to his kids: “Look at the big fox, kids!!”

Zoo again: any hint of animals mating immediately makes a certain class of grown men start hooting and making ape noises. Even if they’re looking at lions. Which they have told their kids are tigers because they don’t know the difference.

In DC: overheard from a tourist (American born and bred) as she wondered aloud to her husband about the Washington Monument: “Is that the White House?” Yes, ma’am. That’s because Obama is so tall and skinny. Fat presidents have to live in the Capitol Building’s Rotunda.

Carrie August 6, 2012 at 9:26 am

#6 & #7 OMFG. This one hits home having just been to the Natural History Museum in DC last month. This is the entire trip to the museum… It’s hot, everyone smells like they just ate an onion sandwich, no one wants to see anything or read anything they just want a picture of it and you better fuckingmoverightnow because they need to get a shot of jr. climing on the stuffed elephant as if it were a jungle gym. Everyone still smells like an onion sandwich. Go upstairs to see the Hope Diamond. It’s hot. People are pushing to take pictures. Onion sandwich didnt agree with someone, that person crop dusted the entire precious gems room. Give up and hide in bathroom until family texts you to see where you went. Lie. Go back downstair, doing the limbo as you pass infront of the giant elephant to try to aviod being part of everyone’s photos. Wait outside in 95+ degree weather because it beats being inside.

Desiree August 6, 2012 at 9:57 am

I simply must work ‘miniature dickbag’ into conversation TODAY.

Rachel August 6, 2012 at 9:57 am

I can’t stand when parents let their kids climb all over the rails at zoo exhibits by themselves while they stand behind the crowd and text or pick wedgies or whatever. It makes me anxious and angry, because I really don’t want my animal-watching experience to be ruined by little Insert Stupid Name Here falling into the Gorilla enclosure and becoming a squeaky toy for Mighty Joe Young. It would be traumatizing for me. And probably for the kid.

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) August 6, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Oh, Noa… I missed you so damn hard last week when I was too busy throwing myself a giant fucking pity party to read all of the blogs that make me laugh so hard I curse the day I had children (because now? when I laugh super hard? I pee. Thank you, Childbirth).

I have nothing witty or brilliant to add, but I’m sure I’ll think of something while I’m lying awake at 3 in the morning, then I’ll be all, “SNAP! I should have said THAT in a comment!” because impressing the shit out of you with my wit and brilliance is one of those things that makes my world go round.

xo
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Jaime August 6, 2012 at 12:21 pm

I tend to avoid public places n such because people suck.
Jaime recently posted..just keep studying, just keep studying…

Sandy Vanhoey August 9, 2012 at 8:30 am

Me too. I don’t want a lot of people around.
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Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd August 6, 2012 at 1:06 pm

My most favoritest thing I’ve personally ever heard was at Disney Animal Kingdom, at the gorilla exhibit. We were all standing there, and it started to drizzle. So there we stood, in the rain, because gorillas are awesome, and some guy behind me, also standing there watching gorillas, points to one of the gorillas and says, “that one there don’t have the sense to get out of the rain.”
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Dana the Biped August 6, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Shit, Noa, if I’d know that was you, I totally would have asked you to be in the T-RexSex photo with me. Nothing says “history buff” like humping dead things.
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Todd August 6, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Holy shit… if Confucius is a “Ching Chong Charlie,” it makes you wonder what other gems they’re teaching their children…

“That Ghandi was one skinny Indian. Not casino Indian, but Slurpee Indian. Can you say Slurpee Indian?”
“Galileo was one sciency wop.”
“Jefferson Davis was a narrow minded redneck fuck.”

Hmm… no, not the last one.
Todd recently posted..Nerd Confessions

Dave in Sherman August 7, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Oh, dude, Slurpee Indian!
Oh, Fuck!
And the shitty part is that I can picture the asshole saying that!
Dave
Dave in Sherman recently posted..Week #8

Jen August 6, 2012 at 3:16 pm

These are just the top five most horrific things I witnessed at the World Trade Center 9/11 Memorial today:

1. Two boys attempting to skip rocks in the North Tower fountain.

2. Three college sorostitutes posing with squeezed cleavage and duck faces while making Delta Delta Delta triangles with their fingers in front of the Survivor Tree.

3. A guy telling his wife, “Hey! Take my picture by that “Let’s Roll” guy!” Then posing with a thumbs up and a shit-eating grin in front of. . .the wrong name.

4. The comedian who yelled “Look out, they’re back!” and “Duck!” every time a plane flew over.

5. A family of five systematically collapsing in paroxysms of hysteria over the names of one of the victims of flight 93. Amber Alert, you heartless fuckwads, that victim with the “fuckin’ stupid name” was seven years old. I hate you.

I knew visiting the Memorial would make me sad. . .I had now idea how sad.
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Scarlet August 8, 2012 at 7:18 am

Sorostitutes? I have just found my favorite new phrase. I work near a college campus and have to drive down sorority row on my way home. You have described them perfectly. I chuckle as they freeze their asses off in their short skirts during rush week.

Jen August 8, 2012 at 8:38 am

I wish I could claim credit for that word but it came from a fellow blogger. It is truly exquisite, n’est pas? ;)
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Misty August 6, 2012 at 4:25 pm

I don’t even know how to process that Ching chong Charlie comment. How on earth did you resist kicking her in her racist I still live in the 50’s mentality asshole face? And calling CPS so that they could go ahead and remove that child from her immediately!! That kind of thing almost makes me madder than getting called fat by a dickhead fratass doucheface trust fund brat. Grrrrr.
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Jen August 8, 2012 at 8:08 am

Consider the source, Misty. The man was wearing burnt orange culottes with a complete lack of irony. “What about prom, Blaine? NO! What! About! PROM!”
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Ms. Plaid Dressy Pants August 6, 2012 at 4:27 pm

1. I more than hate people who stand in the way of everyfuckingthing, completly oblivious to the fact that there are other people around them and totally unaware that there are only so many things to see in the lion exhibit WHEN THE LIONS ARE SLEEPING. Ugh, man. Move the fuck along.

2. People who hit you, and know they hit you, but pretend like they totally didn’t notice that they hit you, even though you both know they hit you.

3. Everyone who has a fancy schmacy bulky-as-shit Nikon with 14 lenses they can’t differentiate between and thinks they are a goddamn photographer and simply MUST capture the badgers at 38 different angles.
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Valerie August 6, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Trip every last one of those bitches… Then take a picture next to their sprawled asses “for Facebook”.

Hugs!

Valerie
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Lex August 7, 2012 at 12:23 am

I used to go to that museum all the time as a kid; I never got tired of it, and I always marveled at how damn cool everything was! (OMG, that T-Rex!) It’s really disheartening to read that people are so unappreciative of how goddamn amazing everything in that place is.

I can’t believe you showed enough restraint to not smack the shit out of at least a quarter of those fucks. Especially that bitch talking shit about Chinese people, because just… damn.
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Debra Baldwin August 7, 2012 at 2:10 am

Idiocy is really worst. I really don’t know why there are people who show their idiocy to the public. It makes me sick when I am around to them.
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Ellen Howell August 15, 2012 at 4:46 am

Hate, hate idiocy. Why there are people like this living in this world.
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Ren August 7, 2012 at 4:53 am

OMG. You did the American version of myself in the Brittish Mueseum a couple years back. It’s such a brilliant way to spend a week in town – seriously, so many rooms and exhibits that seeing them all in any sort of depth takes days. They have guide books describing this. My idea of heaven… but god save me, the PEOPLE… the other visitors…the kids… the smart phones…. the cameras (ok, so I was totally touristy with the camera too but be fucked if I am not going to come home with a picture of the Rosetta Stone for my mother – she would have murdered me)… THE FRENCH… (no, really, they were obnoxious everywhere we went)…

But… I have never heard anything as bad as the Ching Chong comment… that just… blows my mind and I am a pretty liberal, broad minded sort… *sighs*

Lizzie Bennett said it right; “The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of either merit or sense.”
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nadine August 7, 2012 at 9:25 am

my friend and I almost got into a fight at Luray Caverns in Virginia because, as the woman with the mullet stated loudly and passive-aggressively “some people have NO manners” either because I paused to take a photo of rock structures millions of years old that blew my mind, or because my friend was shaking her camera violently and saying “how the hell does this work.”

I almost rumbled in the parking lot of Wegmans the other night because some woman was being a cuntwaggle while I was trying to put bags of groceries in the car.

The moral of this story is I’m not allowed in public that much because I will totally throw down with horrible members of society.
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blondie August 7, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Love museums! But not when packed with people. As Garrison Keillor noted, people from the midwest, like me, need a radius of free space around us of 1-2 feet or we get headaches.

Also and too, I do not like to have to smell other people, whether it’s your B.O., your (on purpose? really?) perfume, or your breath. When I’m standing 2 feet away from you, I should not be able to smell you.

I may be a cause of other people’s annoyance because I have, more than once, spoken to the person directly behind/next to me because I’m sure it’s my husband, and when I turn around, “Why, that’s not my husband at all!” He’s several yards away, and I’m making stupid comments to a complete stranger. “Oh, hi!”

Kelly Fox August 7, 2012 at 3:16 pm

God I love you Noa! There was so much in this to love. I don’t know why the fucking fuck people seem to forget that other people can see them when they are in public. Hello? ! ?! Yep, we can see you, hear you, and smell you asshats! Go home, use some soap, smack your kid, read a book, leave your stupid ‘views’ at home, whatever they may be, THEN you get to come out into society.
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Dave in Sherman August 7, 2012 at 9:39 pm

The only thing I can say is thank god for NASCAR and Walmart. If not for them, there would be MORE of these assbags at the museums, zoos and galleries. What you all need to do is time your visit when “Jersey Shore” is on. The motherfucking place will be deserted!
Dave
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Allison Ward August 8, 2012 at 12:38 am

Opps. Why there are lot of kids who are so stubborn? I think these kids more right parenting by their parents.
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Laura August 8, 2012 at 2:33 am

Can I talk about an awesome museum-y experience instead? I once went to a conference for work that included a party at the National Aquarium in Baltimore. The aquarium is pretty amazing at any time, but this was after hours, so we had the whole building to ourselves — and instead of having the normal docents, they’d hired a bunch of marine biologists to chat about the animals and answer any questions we might have. It was really, really nice.

At one point I was with a few friends in front of a tank, and a biologist was pointing out all the different kinds of animals / plants / fish inside. But I couldn’t hear a word she was saying, because I was too busy staring at an obviously dead turtle and wondering whether I should say something about it. This went on for a few minutes, and then the “dead” turtle woke up and started moving around.

Haley August 9, 2012 at 11:43 pm

I don’t have any horrifying museum stories, but water parks. Fuck water parks. I thought the lack of lines at the bathroom was horrifying until I was sitting by the wave pool thing and I overheard the tail end of the conversation of the women beside me. “You mean you shave your..down there? Isn’t that like.. annoying?” To which I glanced over and SHE HAD PULLED HER BATHING SUIT BACK revealing the holy grail of furry vaginas. Cha-Cha-Cha-Chia, mother fucker.
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