My line between rage-towards and utter-fascination-with other people in the world is razor thin, and being put in situations where large numbers of diverse people will gather–airports, parks, museums–will only serve to show me how absolutely insane we are as a species.
I spent an entire day in the American Museum of Natural History in New York City recently. It was spectacular; the exhibits were brilliant, the Hayden Planetarium was fascinating, and the people also attending the museum with me were a never-ending wondrous sideshow of crazytown.
I was so affected by the idiocy of the people around me (not all, but many) that I thought, “Oh Great Neil deGrasse Tyson, please let us evolve past this one day, because this stage of humankind is just the worst.” And then I went into the evolution display, heard people talking in there, and decided that maybe we’re too dumb as a species to let ourselves get any further.
I want to lay out some ground rules for humankind in regards to museum visitation. Read, follow, and enjoy.
- If your kid won’t listen to you at home, he won’t listen to you when he’s wildly overstimulated by the presence of Jurassic monsters and thousands of people. Learn to corral that miniature dickbag or leave his ass at home.
- If your kid spins with his arms stretched wide in a room full of people and you say, “He’s so fascinated with the world he just has to be a part of it,” then you should expect dirty looks, because you’re a ridiculous hippy asshat.
- You should never pose seductively in front of a dinosaur, and declare, “I am going to put this on Facebook and get more likes than that whore Jenny.”
- You should never pose seductively in front of a dinosaur if you’re 10 years old.
- While standing in the Timeline of our Universe, which displays the fact that supernovas and the Big Bang created everything from which we are made, no one wants to hear you prosthelytize. You may say, “JESUS NEVER TALKED ABOUT THAT THERE BIG BANG,” but I assure you, the planetarium is not the place to start a religious revolt against physics. Also, you are a douchewagon.
- Want a photo of that thing everyone is looking at? Then you can either wait until the museum closes or you can have a million people in the picture. DEAL WITH IT, HO. You aren’t the only special snowflake.
- Put down your fucking cameras. For just one second, take in the the sight of where you are standing–realize that the bones in front of you are millions of years old, and the fact that they once existed is incredible. Taking pictures to remember things later is insignificant if you never experienced it in the first place.
- Say excuse me, motherfucker. There are a million people here. The least you could do is be aware of when you slam into my sternum with your purse full of hepatitis needles.
- Take the racism down to zero when learning about other cultures. A Geisha is not a whore. The Mayan Sun Stone is not the harbinger of terrorism thanks to poor immigration laws. Confucius is not a “Ching Chong Charlie,” as you so delightfully told your four-year-old.
- Sidebar: Mother of God, CHING CHONG CHARLIE? I need to take a minute to even process how goddamn terrible that is. Ma’am, you bounced your baby on your knee and said, “can you say ching chong ching chong? Because that’s what those people say!” HOLY SHIT THAT IS THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD. Do you even know how important Confucius is to modern society, especially to the most populous nation on Earth? I hope you choke on your sesame chicken after you make a joke about it being made of cats. I hope it is made of the rarest chicken just to spite you.
- Step back. We will all get into the display/planetarium/elevator/bathroom in a reasonable amount of time. Getting all up in my butthole will not get you there any sooner.
- Take smart phones/games/DVD players/other assorted fuckery away from children in museums. They don’t need something to keep them occupied in a building where literally every surface is designed to keep them occupied. Read them the inscriptions, talk to them about what they’re seeing. They will learn something, and everyone will be better off for it.
- Are you a college student under the age of 20, who is perhaps majoring in any kind of science? No one gives any fucks what you have to say! Responding to a placard that explains a star to be, “A giant burning ball of gas,” with, “well that’s awfully simplistic,” makes you an arrogant gasbag and not a scholar.
- Shut. The fuck. Up.
Read. Learn. Ask questions if there are people there for you to do so. Take pictures of things that you really want to remember or research further. Exist in the history that surrounds you, because it’s fucking incredible, and you’re going to miss everything amazing in life because you’re an asshole.
What have you seen in a museum/assorted crowded attraction that haunts you?– Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Myth: ”I love how she calls attractive men and women “boners.” Try adding that to your vernacular, you’ll laugh so hard you’ll turn blue. “Look at that lady’s amazing boner! Lucky little bitch.” “Did you see that huge boner in last night’s basketball game? I didn’t know they could get that big!” “I need a boner to take to my aunt’s wedding or everyone will be asking me when I’m going to get one of my own!”