Rapid Rewards Has A Whole New Meaning Now

08/08/2012 · 29 comments

in Adrian, My Family Is Strikingly Odd.

A conversation held in the Newark airport after being delayed for the fourth time.

Adrian: The gate agents still won’t tell me why the plane is delayed for so long. They just keep telling me, “It’ll be here when it gets here.”

Noa: It’s something really ridiculous, and they just don’t want to say it.

Adrian: I think the pilot is just super hung over and they have to keep feeding him ice chips to keep him going. Still though, he’d be here by now with autopilot right?

Noa: I bet they’re not telling us that the planes are actually sentient beings, and ours is just having a really bad breakdown and refuses to come to Newark.

Adrian: Really? That’s what you automatically go to? The planes are sentient, and clearly a nervous breakdown is causing our delay?

Noa: I bet the plane is just sitting on the runway in North Carolina and is all, “I’m sorry Mike, I just can’t do it again. You remember what happened last time in Newark.” And Mike is all, “I know Henry. I remember what that American Airlines jet said to you, but that guy’s a prick. Don’t let the bastards get you down.”

Adrian: Who’s Mike?

Noa: The pilot. They’re good friends.

Adrian: Of course they are. Mike regularly gets inside Henry–they’d be friendly.

Noa: Henry has a wife. How dare you imply that he’s unfaithful with Mike. You’re being really denigrating considering Henry is in the middle of an existential crisis right now.

Adrian: Whoa, what?

Noa: Henry just put it together that he’s being paid to be penetrated by so many people every day for the benefit of Mike. Henry feels so betrayed, and his wife is so disgusted with him for selling out like that.

Adrian: What kind of plane is his wife?

Noa: Cessna.

Adrian: How does a plane sell out exactly?

Noa: Henry could have spent his life with Virgin, but he chose Southwest and so now he’ll never get to go to space. His wife is pretty disappointed in his career choices, but Henry’s always held up well until now.

Adrian: When the American jet roughed him up.

Noa: Exactly.

Adrian: His mother in law must be so shitty about it. I bet she’s married to the Space Shuttle, and told her daughter to do the same.

Noa: Seems possible. I could make a Columbia Shuttle/University joke here, but I think it’s in poor taste.

Adrian: I bet they have a whole hangar full of ultra-lights and Henry just can’t face them tonight.

Noa: See, now you’re getting it. It’s a whole secret society that the airline industry isn’t telling us about. They’re all just really organized pimps and the shitty thing is that no one even knows they’re buying a plane-stitute.

Adrian: Or maybe…

Noa: What?

Adrian: Maybe they’re all just planes.

Noa: Fuck you. You’re just embarrassed that you’ve been caught buying sex from a 747.

Adrian: You’re fucking weird.

I can never have good luck on airplanes. Help me feel a little better–what’s your worst airplane/airport story?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Todd: “Holy shit… if Confucius is a “Ching Chong Charlie,” it makes you wonder what other gems they’re teaching their children… “That Ghandi was one skinny Indian. Not casino Indian, but Slurpee Indian. Can you say Slurpee Indian?” “Galileo was one sciency wop.” “Jefferson Davis was a narrow minded redneck fuck.” Hmm… no, not the last one.”
Josh August 8, 2012 at 8:10 am

My girlfriend and I are taking a plane-stitute to Atlanta tomorrow; does that count as a three-way?

Kate August 8, 2012 at 8:35 am

At the age of 10, I got stuck between the window and an enormously fat woman who engulfed my seat with her body. This was before they started booting people off planes for being too fat, so instead I got sympathetic looks from all the passengers as the giant woman fell asleep and started to snore. Luckily, the flight was only from Buffalo to Boston, although it was my first solo flight. I was petrified.
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Misty August 8, 2012 at 8:36 am

Oh shit, you totally nailed it, Noa. This is why I had to sit in the Philly airport for 3 extra hours on the trip up to NYC. Plane nervous breakdown. That bastard STILL didn’t arrive in Philly before I left on the plane I had to eventually change to. And then coming back . . . what the pilot referred to as “mechanical difficulties” which made us sit on the runway for an extra hour, thus ensuring I missed my connection and had to sit in the Philly airport AGAIN? That was the pilot actually trying to coax the plane into taking off. Damnit. You would think planes would be badasses, but apparently they are a crop of big ole babies. Why do commercial aircraft have to be the PMSing girls of the airways. Those Top Gun jets would NEVER act like this!
Misty recently posted..The Travel Gods Hate Me

Mayor Gia August 8, 2012 at 8:47 am

Hahaha. Yeahhh…I don’t fly. I would DEFINITELY end up on an emotionally unstable nervous breakdown plane. For sure.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Girlfriend Olympics Part II

Jeff August 8, 2012 at 8:48 am

So I had just had my jaw wired shut from having it broken playing rugby, when we had to move my sister to Georgia to be with her army boyfriend (by car). After she was moved in, we needed to take a small plane to from the army airport to Atlanta. The whole time through security, my dad kept yelling “if he dings on the alarm, his mouth is full of metal. I have the doctor’s note right here!” That plane was delayed by 2 hours. We landed when our plane from Atlanta to Philadelphia was supposed to be taking off, but we still ran to our gate (keep in mind I’m not supposed to be exerting myself since I can’t breathe through my mouth). We get to our gate to find out they just started boarding. Hooray we think. Boy were we wrong. We got on the plane, drove out to take off, sit there for 10 minutes until the pilot comes on and says “I just got a call that we are, under no circumstances, allowed to take off. I’m going to pull over to the side so we don’t get hit by any other planes while we sit here and wait for the OK.” We sat there for 8 hours because of thunderstorms in Philly. During the 8 hours, the stewardesses were giving out food and drinks, and kept asking me why I didn’t want anything. They must have goldfish memory spans, because each time they’d ask me, I’d flash my shiny wire grin, and they’d walk away.

Rachel August 8, 2012 at 9:18 am

The first and only time I’ve ever flown was right after 9/11. I was pretty scared and anxious to be on a plane. I was flying with my parents to Pennsylvania, and we had a late night flight, and there were only a handful of people on the plane. We were sitting next to one of the engines, and I had the window seat. Since I had never flown before, I didn’t know that right after takeoff the cabin lights go off and that taking off isn’t exactly smooth. My parents saw me tense up, and decided to take advantage of the situation. My mom grabbed my dad and whispered, “Oh my god, what’s happening?” and my dad replied “I don’t know! Just be quiet and stay calm!” which prompted me to burst into tears and scream “WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE PLANE WHY DID THE LIGHTS GO OFF I DON”T WANT TO DIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!”. That’s about the time a flight attendant ran to see what was wrong and when my parents started laughing so hard they couldn’t breathe. Now, you would think that the flight attendant wouldn’t think a situation in which a teenager was tricked into thinking her plane was crashing would be funny, but you’re wrong. She laughed harder than my parents, and then I guess felt bad because she brought me cookies and milk. I refused to eat them, partly out of anger, and partly because I was still terrified that the plane was going to crash. Other than the return flight, I haven’t been on a plane since.

Tiffany August 8, 2012 at 9:28 am

Well, I don’t have a story —- yet. Although it is freaking me out that this is the first post of yours I’ve seen in a while in my inbox, and I’m getting on a plane tomorrow morning. I think it is a sign!

Ariel August 8, 2012 at 10:23 am

Mine’s similar to Rachel’s. I hadn’t flown since I was really young, so I had to fly for work and was really really nervous.
This guy about my age sits next to me and was trying to chat me up, when the plane starts taking off. Right as the wheels leave the ground the airline stewardess says over the intercom “Ladies and Gentlemen, we’re having technical difficulties…” (At which point I grab the guy’s arm and squeeze “we’re going to die!”) the stewardess continues “… with the televisions” So I sheepishly let go of the guy’s arm and apologized.

He pretended to sleep for the rest of the flight.

Jen August 8, 2012 at 11:23 am

I spent three hours flying from LaGuardia to Denver next to a 350 lb man who smelled like soup and despair and snored so loudly I thought he’d rupture a hole in the bulkhead. The only saving grace was an elderly flight attendant who bore an uncanny resemblance to Leslie Nielson, thus allowing a good 45 minutes of “Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?” and “Excuse me, I speak jive” remarks while I chortled heartily at my witticisms. My other seatmate didn’t get it. . .Philistine.
Jen recently posted..How to Not be an Asshole in New York City

Dead Cow Girl August 8, 2012 at 11:50 am

I always feel dirty when I buy a plane ticket. I sorta like it.
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Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd August 8, 2012 at 11:56 am

That’s exactly why in that movie Cars they don’t have people constantly violating them – it couldn’t have possibly been a children’s movie if people existed in that world.
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sars August 8, 2012 at 12:04 pm

holy shitballs…. this was amazing.

I don’t think I have any bad stories. They all left my mind because I am now attributing all bad experiences to inanimate things being sentient.

My brain is liquid and I am fucked.
sars recently posted..more badass than Jules

Cara August 8, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Pfft! Comparatively, getting wasted on rum and cokes in order to tolerate a panic strewn flight across the country doesn’t sound so scandalous…sounds downright mundane, frankly.
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Johi August 8, 2012 at 2:52 pm

I always make up stories like that about the other humans in the airport, but never the inanimate objects (Sorry Henry, no offense). Thank you for giving me a new perverted way to pass the time the next time I see people penetrate a bus.

My worst airplane story happened in Chicago and involved extensive de-icing of the plane, eventually leading to a cancelled flight. I had spent all of my food money on airport booze so I was the sloppy chic with a bad temper and low blood sugar. It is a memory I holdvery close to my heart.
Johi recently posted..My time in The Big Apple. Alternately titled: Do you remember that time that I almost died?

Jaime August 8, 2012 at 3:31 pm

wow…. just, wow.

you’re the best.
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Holly Deloach August 23, 2012 at 5:10 am

I love reward. So, you are the best.
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Dear Sweet Mama August 8, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Newark – OH MY GOD – it is like trying to fly out of hell when the devil has aholt of your coat tail. Last time I flew out of there, after a 6 hour delay which they kept telling us would be another 1/2 hour (and I could have rented a car and driven to where I was going) one of my co-passengers was upset because she was missing her dad’s funeral. The gate agent said “That’s your problem, isn’t it?” Gotta love NJ.

Bobbie August 8, 2012 at 4:14 pm

The only time I ever took a vacation by myself was an airport NIGHTMARE (aside from the loser-ishness of taking a solo vacation). Somewhere between my flights from Houston to Atlanta to Savannah, the airline lost my luggage. I waited at the baggage carousel for an hour, before giving up and waiting an hour in line to talk to some lady, who told me to go back to the baggage carousel b/c my luggage might have ended up on the next flight. Waited another 30 minutes at the carousel, then another 45 minutes in line to talk to the same lady, who gave me a form to fill out and told me my luggage would be delivered to my hotel. By this time it was 10:30 at night, and I had to get my rental car and find my way through a strange city in the dark to my hotel. When I got to my hotel, my credit card declined, which was when I realized that I’d been grossly overcharged for my rental car. So I had to call my then-husband, who I was separated from at the time, to give the hotel HIS credit card info so I could at least sleep in a bed instead of in the rental car that was now twice as expensive as my hotel room. He was not pleased, and I got to have a 30-minute argument with him in front of the bellhop and the desk clerk, who kept giving me pitying looks while pretending not to listen. Two days later my luggage had arrived, and half the cost of my rental car had been reimbursed, so I assumed the rest of my vacation would go smoothly. I assumed this because I was a moron. My trip home was no less fun-filled. I arrived at the airport horrifically hungover and late, had my unopened jar of heavenly blueberry-jalapeno jelly confiscated by security, then got on a plane that had to make an emergency landing in Birmingham because some guy got really sick and had to be rushed to the hospital. This caused me to have exactly 15 minutes to sprint from one side of the unreasonably gigantic Atlanta airport to the other, lugging my 20-lb carry-on in one hand and cradling my throbbing head in the other. I arrived just as they closed the door to board the plane, started crying at the guy at the desk, who felt so bad that he let me on, then ended up stranded on the runway for an hour and a half. And got to Houston and found out that, had I accepted the attendant’s offer to get me on the following flight, I’d have arrived an hour earlier. I think there’s a special place in hell for airlines.

Lilscorpiosweet August 8, 2012 at 5:37 pm

I spilled orange juice on me.. that’s it.. no uproariously hilarious story.. :(
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Peanutlayne August 8, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Worst airplane story was getting stuck on a plane with a 2 year old, a grouchy husband, our 3 older kids, and I was 7 months pregnant at the time, for over 2 hours all because the freaking bathroom wouldn’t work! It was only a 2 hour flight so in all the time it took them to fix the bathroom, we would’ve already gotten to PDX and could’ve just pissed at the airport! Of course my 2 year old was the worst behaved kid on board and it was a full flight so there were tons of angry passengers giving me the stink eye, but there was really not much I could do as they had us locked inside the plane. Plus they separated our family so my husband was sitting on the other end of the plane and the assholes sitting next to me & my husband wouldn’t switch seats with us (they paid dearly for this later which I personally love as they were stuck next to a 2 year old from hell). We haven’t flown in over 2 years. I’m permanently traumatized by the experience.
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Dear Sweet Mama August 15, 2012 at 4:32 pm

One of my bestest friends got up 1/2 hour into our tarmac sitting and told the Plane Mistress, “I am pregnant with twins, and I AM using the bathroom.” And she did. Even though she was only like 6 weeks and I had drunk much more coke than she had and really needed to go more. But I didn’t want anyone thinking I was pregnant with triplets.

downloadable08 August 9, 2012 at 12:57 am

My worst ever experience was definitely flying back from Romania (18+ hours, with a layover in Amsterdam) with food poisoning. However, my worst experience due to the air travel specifically was a return trip from London via Heathrow. My mom was in an accident many years ago and can’t walk long distances, so we arranged for the disabled assistance to get us from one gate/terminal to the other. It took ALMOST THE ENTIRE FOUR-HOUR LAYOVER. My brother and I could have taken turns giving her piggyback rides and gotten there faster than that!

Dear Sweet Mama August 15, 2012 at 4:30 pm

This happened to us in Heathrow as well. the Concubine loaded me on a baggage cart and pushed me through the airport herself. Quite jolly.

Jess August 9, 2012 at 3:59 am

Oh, plane stories. I have a lot– I’ve traveled quite a bit and airplanes hate me. I think the, uh, ‘winner’ is from when I was flying from Miami to Costa Rica. I had already gone through two other airports to get to Miami, which is huge and confusing, and the plane was way late. Then, about a third of the way into the flight we had to turn around and go back. Why? BECAUSE TWO OF THE HYDRAULICS SYSTEMS FAILED. I’m given to understand that we were essentially without proper brakes or half our steering. After a truly terrifying landing, we went from fearing for our lives to being bored as hell and waited around several more hours until finally they got us a plane at like 1 AM. By the time we got into San Jose and to the hostel, it was 3:30– and because this was a school-related thing, we had to be up at 5:30 to go hike up a volcano. Things went downhill from there, I should’ve taken the airplane fiasco as the omen it truly was.

Ann Fantom August 9, 2012 at 4:46 am

I hate delayed departure. I can’t help to freak out. Heheheh.
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ColinP August 9, 2012 at 11:51 am

I was once on a plane that was hit by a truck.

Shit you not. I was coming back from the former Soviet Republics (school exchange) and while on the ground in Helsinki we were waiting patiently for the plane to leave the terminal. All of a sudden the plane starts to violently rock from side to side. The pilot gets on the PA and starts excitedly yammering in Finnish. After what seems like 30 minutes of Finnish he finally says (in English this time) “All passengers must deplane immediately!”

Well, as it turned out the catering truck took to sharp a turn and tore the end off of one of the wings and jet fuel was spilling onto the tarmac. Needless to say we did eventually get home safely but they had to use a much larger plane than the one we were on previously so we all basically got free upgrades to first class.
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NATurally Inappropriate August 9, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Sounds like you weren’t the only one with travel drama!
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Laura August 9, 2012 at 11:53 pm

I had an aisle seat, next to two boys who looked like they were about 5-6 years old. Their two moms were in the middle and aisle seat behind me. Aisle Seat Mom asked me to trade seats with Middle Seat Mom so she can sit with her kid. I said I didn’t want to trade my aisle seat for a middle seat, but I’d be happy to trade seats with Aisle Seat Mom. She declined, so I stayed in the row with the kids. They were actually pretty well-behaved, but I had to help them with their seatbelts, and I got some nasty looks later on when I bought lunch for myself but didn’t get anything for the kids.
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Wayne Lowry August 13, 2012 at 6:57 am

I don’t want to fly in a plane. It makes me sick with a dirty plane.
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