Hereby Refer To Me As “The Triumph Of The Seas”

08/29/2012 · 19 comments

in I Want This.

I never knew my life was so empty.

Yesterday, I found the watersports section of Hammcher Schlemmer. They have not sponsored this post, I just dearly love them with every fiber of my future ocean-faring heart.

Waterskiing Chair

You know what’s fun? Waterskiing. You know what else is really fun? Sitting the fuck down near a lake. You know what’s pants-shittingly incredible? Sitting. Down. While. Waterskiing. When Jesus comes back, he’s going to roll into town on this bitch, whizzing across the surface, without a boat, and come gently to a stop on a beach before righting the world and explaining that evolution is a thing, so stop trying to think it’s not, KENTUCKY.

And that’s where I move on–when I start politicizing waterskiing. It’s why I don’t run for office.

Skier Controlled Tow Rope

Ever wanted to whizz around on a pond like a motherfucking champion, but your friends are dicks and regularly try to murder you when they whip you around for their own amusement? Worry no more, because  someone thought it would be an awesome idea to take the controls of a heavy watercraft and place them in the hands of what is essentially a human trailer.

I don’t trust myself to control a boat while being towed by it, because chances are I’ll end up being drown-dragged by it for miles when I won’t stop clutching it to preserve my investment. I will, however, ride on the back of it while the rope whips people all over the lake, and I watch like a demon of Lake Ray Hubbard. Take that, speed0-wearing-fright-bush!

One Person Watercraft

It’s a one-man yacht, or as I like to think of it, a water-based awesomeness-prover. This bitch has an audio jack and a cup holder, and is padded with the foam soft enough to birth glass-boned unicorns on. You’d never need a destination with this motherfucker, just buzz around the lake and feel the jealousy lap at the hull of your ego.

This is small enough that I might even put this in my bathtub just to spite my downstairs neighbor. He’d never see me in it, but hearing an outboard motor in a garden tub would be sufficiently confusing. Fuck that guy, I’m doing all my work from a boat in my bathtub.

Killer Whale Submarine

Jesus Waterskiing Christ, look at how majestic this thing is. Look at it burst from the surf like the knight of the deep. Look at that person inside, piloting it like the James Bond he absolutely is in real life.

I don’t want to go whale watching, I want to ride in the whale and torment the people who want to stand in a dirty boat for hours hoping to hear a sperm whale call them a dick in whale. Can you imagine showing up to a date in this thing? That’s instant poontang when you emerge from a killer whale and zip your lady to a lakeside picnic in it. “Would you like more salmon, my love, and then a naked and erotic recreation of Free Willy, entendres included?”

Need it.

Flying Hovercraft

You know when you’re sitting in a puddle and had the sudden urge to intimidate everyone around you with your mastery of land, ocean, and sky? Bam. Flying Hovercraft, assclowns. Next time you’re stuck in a traffic jam, imagine how awesome it would be to lift yourself out of gridlock, bounce around with all of the magical sea creatures for a while, and then fly yourself home.

“Hey honey, I just skull-fucked Aquaman, snagged a few trout for dinner, and cackled manically while I pretended to be a military dirigible designed to assassinate those kids who TP’d us last Halloween on the way home.”

These things are NECESSITIES. I need them. I need them all to fill an ocean-shaped hole in my soul.

What would you do with any of these? If you had the money, what is the one thing you’d buy?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Jaclyn: “My 9th grade sex-ed class was taught by the CREEPY gym teacher. Creepy gym teacher showed us a video of a woman giving birth, rewinding and replaying the part where the baby crowned over and over and over again. During my senior year, creepy gym teacher (who had 3 kids in the school at the time) was thrown in jail for fucking my 17 year old classmate. His wife bailed him out of jail and he promptly jumped in front of a train and killed himself. True story.”
Mayor Gia August 29, 2012 at 6:56 am

BAHHH I’m obsessed with the submarine whale. I WANT.
Mayor Gia recently posted..An Update on Ducks Against Raping Ducks

Meg August 29, 2012 at 7:48 am

I want that one person watercraft! Why didn’t I have one when I was living in Guam?! Hell, I just might buy a kiddie pool and get one anyway.
Meg recently posted..Sushi?

Misty August 29, 2012 at 9:12 am

I have a pool. So I feel it is a necessity that I own the last three items. My world will not be complete without them. I have always dreamed of emerging from the water, all dripping wet sexy and Bo Derek-like, but fuck that. I want to shoot out of the water in a whalemobile! THAT is much more desirable and fuckable. I believe I’ve found my calling.
Misty recently posted..The Attack of Waspzzzzzzzzzilla

Jillian August 29, 2012 at 9:58 am

Can you imagine if Jesus came back and proclaimed that evolution was the truth while hanging out on a sit-n-ski in the middle of the lake, sipping on a glass of wine that he scooped up about twenty yards back because he got parched? Everyone would be all, “So it really is ok that we drink wine? Because some crazies think you drank grape juice, and it’s causing a lot of strife in the world.”
Jillian recently posted..Just Leave The Cow In The Bathroom

Meg August 29, 2012 at 10:40 am

I maybe could get into water sports if I could ride INSIDE a majestic whale! I’d be like Jonah or Pinocchio! Awesomeness.

My one memory of water “sports” is getting towed in an innertube behind a friend’s dad’s boat. Water was whipping in my face like an actual whip and I was getting a serious wedgie and I turned to my friend and said, “Is this supposed to be fun?!” It was. But clearly her idea of fun was just insane.
Meg recently posted..La Mancha List Part 1

Kat August 29, 2012 at 11:43 am

Holy Whale Watchin-gasm Batman!! Think of the kind of research I could do with that!!! I’m going to write a grant right now!!!! Fuck Plants! Whales are where its at!!!

Roxie August 29, 2012 at 11:57 am

I totally want to hook the waterskiing chair to the skier controled tow rope!!!

Dana the Biped August 29, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Holy crap. Anyone have a rich, aging grandpa they need off their hands?
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Jen August 29, 2012 at 1:00 pm

The day I discovered the SkyMall catalogue it was like the Mother Ship had called me home. I currently have my eye on the majestic Zombie of Montclaire Moors.

I can only imagine how glorious it will look when placed in my neighbor’s overgrown, raggedy-ass lawn or in the back seat of the hoopty Chevy they’re had up on blocks for the last six months. Trick or treat, motherfuckers.
Jen recently posted..Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken By Me And My Friends: Part 17

Johi August 29, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Although I love all of these items (and if I didn’t live in a land locked state I would clearly think that each and every one of them to be a necessity),but in the end, I think the flying hovercraft is the best. I have always wanted a jet pack and I feel that a hovercraft is the next best thing (with the whale as a close third).

Speaking of water sports, I have a picture of my 6 ft tall husband squeezing into a wetsuit of a man almost half his size. I was laughing so hard that I almost inhaled my own nose cartilage. If I had extra cash laying around I would probably buy my husband a tiny wetsuit and watch him squeeze into it for no other reason than my own glee. I’m obviously an asshole and deserve that satanic spanx swimsuit that I purchased.
Johi recently posted..Stellar Parenting Moment #4562 with Brock and Johi

Johi August 29, 2012 at 4:52 pm

My grammar really is this bad in real life.

Proofread? Bah!
Johi recently posted..Stellar Parenting Moment #4562 with Brock and Johi

Jaclyn August 29, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Wow. I really wasn’t expecting my pedophile suicide to win it for you like that. I’m actually pretty excited about it. My tramautic, tormented youth, presented for your amusement. Snuggles, Noa. I love you so hard.
Jaclyn recently posted..Asshole, Dick, Fuck. In That Order.

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) August 30, 2012 at 9:00 am

Must. Have. Hovercraft.

Oh, the places I could go!
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..Life Lessons 101 (or 2… possibly 3)

Jaime August 30, 2012 at 2:26 pm

definitely that boat thingy with the audio jack and cup holder…. cuz I think I could spend my entire summer on that mofo
Jaime recently posted..the past is behind us…

April August 30, 2012 at 3:11 pm

You know those bars where you can pull your boat up and have dinner and drinks? I want to burst out of the water in my whale subarine and scare the peanuts out of those boat people thinking they’re all that in their shiny boats having drinks. Then they’ll be all, “why’d we get a boat when we could have goten a whale submarine?” And for once, I’ll be the cool kid.
April recently posted..Ireland Part 2 – Blarney

beausaphine August 30, 2012 at 3:54 pm

There will come a time in my life where, as I glide across the water gracefully, I try and remember a time when my waterskis DIDNT involve a stool.

And then, in the evening, around the campfire, I will regale my children of times when people stood up on water, wiped their own asses and cars were controlled by people.

And my grandchildren will look at me and say to one another “Grandma has fucking lost it. It’s time.”

And they will have their robot hit me over the head using the skistool and put my dead body in our Great White Shark submarine and release me in to the ocean one last time.
beausaphine recently posted..Some advice on how to attend a concert as though you aren’t an asshole

Jake August 30, 2012 at 5:41 pm
Ashley August 30, 2012 at 11:41 pm

I can’t swim and I hate the water but I would strap on some water-wings for a few hours inside Free Willy.
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Jen August 31, 2012 at 12:06 am

Heh, heh!. . .she said ‘strap on’. . .heh-heh-heh!
Jen recently posted..Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken By Me And My Friends: Part 17

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