I never knew my life was so empty.
Yesterday, I found the watersports section of Hammcher Schlemmer. They have not sponsored this post, I just dearly love them with every fiber of my future ocean-faring heart.
You know what’s fun? Waterskiing. You know what else is really fun? Sitting the fuck down near a lake. You know what’s pants-shittingly incredible? Sitting. Down. While. Waterskiing. When Jesus comes back, he’s going to roll into town on this bitch, whizzing across the surface, without a boat, and come gently to a stop on a beach before righting the world and explaining that evolution is a thing, so stop trying to think it’s not, KENTUCKY.
And that’s where I move on–when I start politicizing waterskiing. It’s why I don’t run for office.
Skier Controlled Tow Rope
Ever wanted to whizz around on a pond like a motherfucking champion, but your friends are dicks and regularly try to murder you when they whip you around for their own amusement? Worry no more, because someone thought it would be an awesome idea to take the controls of a heavy watercraft and place them in the hands of what is essentially a human trailer.
I don’t trust myself to control a boat while being towed by it, because chances are I’ll end up being drown-dragged by it for miles when I won’t stop clutching it to preserve my investment. I will, however, ride on the back of it while the rope whips people all over the lake, and I watch like a demon of Lake Ray Hubbard. Take that, speed0-wearing-fright-bush!
One Person Watercraft
It’s a one-man yacht, or as I like to think of it, a water-based awesomeness-prover. This bitch has an audio jack and a cup holder, and is padded with the foam soft enough to birth glass-boned unicorns on. You’d never need a destination with this motherfucker, just buzz around the lake and feel the jealousy lap at the hull of your ego.
This is small enough that I might even put this in my bathtub just to spite my downstairs neighbor. He’d never see me in it, but hearing an outboard motor in a garden tub would be sufficiently confusing. Fuck that guy, I’m doing all my work from a boat in my bathtub.
Killer Whale Submarine
Jesus Waterskiing Christ, look at how majestic this thing is. Look at it burst from the surf like the knight of the deep. Look at that person inside, piloting it like the James Bond he absolutely is in real life.
I don’t want to go whale watching, I want to ride in the whale and torment the people who want to stand in a dirty boat for hours hoping to hear a sperm whale call them a dick in whale. Can you imagine showing up to a date in this thing? That’s instant poontang when you emerge from a killer whale and zip your lady to a lakeside picnic in it. “Would you like more salmon, my love, and then a naked and erotic recreation of Free Willy, entendres included?”
You know when you’re sitting in a puddle and had the sudden urge to intimidate everyone around you with your mastery of land, ocean, and sky? Bam. Flying Hovercraft, assclowns. Next time you’re stuck in a traffic jam, imagine how awesome it would be to lift yourself out of gridlock, bounce around with all of the magical sea creatures for a while, and then fly yourself home.
“Hey honey, I just skull-fucked Aquaman, snagged a few trout for dinner, and cackled manically while I pretended to be a military dirigible designed to assassinate those kids who TP’d us last Halloween on the way home.”
These things are NECESSITIES. I need them. I need them all to fill an ocean-shaped hole in my soul.
What would you do with any of these? If you had the money, what is the one thing you’d buy?– Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Jaclyn: “My 9th grade sex-ed class was taught by the CREEPY gym teacher. Creepy gym teacher showed us a video of a woman giving birth, rewinding and replaying the part where the baby crowned over and over and over again. During my senior year, creepy gym teacher (who had 3 kids in the school at the time) was thrown in jail for fucking my 17 year old classmate. His wife bailed him out of jail and he promptly jumped in front of a train and killed himself. True story.”