Actually, I Prefer The Term Quasimanhole, Beverly

08/01/2012 · 36 comments

in Psychological Warfare, Sadist Vagina, What Is Wrong With You?

Dear A Lot Of People I Hit With Newspaper Last Week And Demanded You “STOP IT” Like You Were A Naughty Cat,

You make me want to rip my throat out with a slurpee straw and fling it at a passerby in order to inflict the same amount of horror I just experienced in coming across you. I’m sorry, but you’re displaying behavior that is A) incomprehensible and B) so stupid I blew my asshole out in frustration of your existence.

Please discontinue:

Actually:
There is no more uselessly passive-aggressive word than ‘actually.’ It has absolutely no value. It does not enhance or clarify, it only serves to point out how much more awesome you are at knowing things than everyone else in the world.

Example: In response to the statement, “The clock tower in London is named Fatass Charlie,” one could say, “Actually, the clock tower in London is named Big Ben,” or, “The clock tower in London is named Big Ben.” On one hand, you’re a huge cuntmuppet, and on the other, you’re not. CHOOSE WISELY.

Bodysuits:
I cannot imagine that anyone in their right minds looked at themselves in the mirror one day and thought, “You know what this collared, button-down shirt really needs? Crotch snaps,” and thusly started a fashion revolution.

Also, because everyone in the world is a different size, you’re going to end up with one of two horrifying scenarios:

1) a bunch of fabric hurricaning around your crotch all day, leading to a cotton-poly shitstorm and the appearance that you have a pair of balls while trying to get through your sales presentation.

2) a shirt pulled extremely tight through the shoulder and snatch, creating a Quasimanhole, The Hunchback Of Cameltoe. Ring the bell, motherfucker.

Rompers:
See above. Addendum: you also have to be totally nude to pee, including all public and questionably-lockable toilet stalls. ENJOY.

1970’s People Names For Dogs:
This is extremely specific to dogs, and also to the type of name. I’ve met dogs named Belle, Annie, Talullah, and Alex without incident, but I will always fucking laugh at a Chihuahua named Brenda or a Husky named Debbie or a Shi-Tzu named Teresa-Louise. Have you ever met a dog named Linda? It’s fucking unsettling. I just imagine someone’s soccer mom in her sternum-high Rockies jeans taking on the dog-shit pose every time. I met a Poodle named Beverly once, and I’m still laughing at how hilarious it was to hear, “BEVERLY. STOP SHITTING ON THE RUG, BEVERLY.”

Almost All Baby Names These Days:
Breaking news: your baby is probably going to be average as a motherfucker. Naming him Shoot will not guarantee he will be a badass R&B star, it will only guarantee that the manager of a Staples one day will have a really goddamn stupid name. Fill in the blank with your baby’s name: “Today, President _______ Signed A Peace Treaty.” If you think it sounds weird, then your baby shouldn’t be named that.

Forced Alliteration:
Unless you’re 5 and extremely racist, Kathy’s Kool Kuts should never be the name of your business. It’s like poorly-done SEO for the brick-and-mortar world–you’re hoping that people will remember you and visit you because of your clever name, when in reality people visit you because they assume you’re somehow mentally incapacitated and they want to help your business succeed in the face of adversity. Do you really want to ride that line, Larry’s Lugubrious Lumberpalooza?

Non-Combinatory Words
Funtastic. Eggstravaganza. Any word that ends in -o-rama or -palooza. You’re putting glitter on the Emancipation Proclamation; these words can stand on their own as interesting and engaging, and you’re ruining language as we know it. If you think you need word herpes to get people to attend your event, then you need to take a good hard look at the choices you’re making in life, because chances are you’re making the wrong ones. Try again, asshole.

Gender Reveal Parties:
UGH, WE GET IT. You’re having a baby, and you need more reasons to show off how fucking amazing you are for doing something you accomplished probably by accident. I refuse to wear a pink shirt for #teamgirl and I refuse to bite in to a cupcake to find out the genitals of your fetus for obvious disgusting reasons. Can you imagine this in the adult world? What if a guy brought you a cake that you had to cut in to in order to find out the size of his dick? AREN’T GENITALLY MOTIVATED CAKES WEIRD, YOU GUYS?

LadyRotica:
Attention women who came over Magic Mike, Twilight, and 50 Shades of Grey: did you guys know that porn is totally a thing? Also, it’s free, and on the internet. You know how some of your friends didn’t want to read/see those things with you? It’s not because they’re prudes, it’s because THEY KNOW WHERE TO FIND PORN, which is anywhere, anytime, and for (trust me on this one) any fetish you can possibly dream of. I guarantee Magic Mike will look super-lame to you as well when you discover the wide variety of things people want to put in their asses. Also, the acting is MUCH better.

Save The Dates:
UGH, WE GET IT. You’re getting married, and you can’t wait to start showing off as early as possible, especially if the card, “really shows who you are as a couple,” and, “is so undeniably unique.” Fuck you, you fucking fuckerson with your fuckwit attitude. As much as you think everyone cares that you’re starting your journey towards forever, literally every other person in the world wants you to die in a fire for sending out another mustache themed “Shave The Date.” Fuck you again, just for making me think of that joke.

Please, for mankind and also quality rum, stop it.

Love,

Noa D. Gavin And The Rest Of The Goddamn Planet

What do you wish people would stop doing?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Lauren @ Filing Jointly: “Never kicked out of somewhere…that I remember…but I did get sent home from the hardware store I worked at twice in high school. Once for saying “I need a price check on Dixon Nuts at register two” over the intercom. And then again when, after my manager asked me to make a Sale sign for Garden Hose, I made a huge sign that said “Cheap Hose, Inquire Inside” and stuck it in the front window. I was a fucking badass in high school. Once I got a B even.”
Melbourne on my mind August 1, 2012 at 5:39 am

My mum once knew a woman who had a dog grooming business. It was called Debbie Does Dogs.

So yeah, that was pretty fucking horrifying. Oh, and the best part? My mum had to cash cheques from this woman on a weekly basis.
Melbourne on my mind recently posted..Blog comment carnival: July 2012

Bill G. August 2, 2012 at 12:05 am

Debbie Does Dogs?!?! Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Might as well put “I Take It Up The Ass” in 12″-inch letters on the front of her house, too.

Mayor Gia August 1, 2012 at 7:04 am

Hahahaha the gender reveal parties are such bullshit. I’m surprised they haven’t really taken off with the “ultrasound viewing party.” What’s next? “Test results to see if my baby is a risk for a developmental disorder”? I can’t even imagine what that cake would look like…
Mayor Gia recently posted..Futon Victory

Bill G. August 2, 2012 at 12:14 am

You people are a gift everyday. I am now very happy that my wife and I did not do a gender-reveal party. With a kid, there’s all kinds of things to be happy about. The problem comes from thinking that other people give a fuck, too. It fucking horrifies me what young yuppie parents talk about in public. Be happy that your kid took an unassisted shit in the Walgreen’s restroom and shut the fuck up.

Rosa August 2, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Gender reveal what?!?! You mean this is a real thing?!?! I am officially mortified. This has got to be one of the seven signs of the apocalypse.

Bill G. August 3, 2012 at 10:44 pm

No joke. Somebody’s been watching too many home-swap shows.

Chooplah August 1, 2012 at 8:38 am

I’m going to host a gender reveal party at my house where everyone shows up except me, but there’s food so they stay. Then, 2.75 hours in to the party I walk out of the bedroom topless and say “It’s a chick. Let’s do this.”
Chooplah recently posted..10 Things To Know About Huge Boobs

Carrie August 1, 2012 at 9:12 am

Actually, Big Ben is being renamed The Elizabeth Tower in honor of the Queens Diamond Jubalee. I know, I know…. I’m a cuntmuppet.

Becca_Masters August 1, 2012 at 5:45 pm

I want to say actually, but I’m not going to.
Instead in going to say “technically”. Hope that makes me less of a douche! Lol
Big Ben is the name of the bell in the tower. The tower itself is called St Stephens Tower. It due to be renamed Elizabeth Tower, as House of Commons has agreed it, but I’m not sure if the change has been implemented yet.
Becca_Masters recently posted..I don’t know you, but….

Cowgirl Red August 1, 2012 at 9:27 am

me? I wish people would stop talking about any form of bodily fluid. I don’t care about my own personal fluid movements, I certainly don’t want to hear about yours. If it’s liquid, and it comes out of a human…. shut the fuck up. “Actually” that goes for animals too. Terah
Cowgirl Red recently posted..Charge It

Rachel August 1, 2012 at 9:37 am

I used to work at a personal loan company, and some of the “unique” names I came across horrified and confused me – Mystic Rainbow (her parents had to be hippies, right?), Princeze (as if naming your kid after a royal title isn’t bad enough, you have to fuck up the spelling), Blue Jean (WHY? Do you love denim pants that much?), La’Mario AND Da’Mario (twins that came in together for a joint loan – I may or may not have asked if they had another brother with the name Luigi), Leava (pronounced leave-a – did her parents have divine inspiration from the leave a penny take a penny cup at the Quickie Mart?), Bucky (oddly enough, he was not a redneck, but a white boy gangster wannabe) – not surprisingly, these people weren’t very good customers, and that’s why I remember their fucked up names.

ShellyShaw August 1, 2012 at 9:44 am

I’m having a calm the fuck down party because mercury is in retrograde and the moon is full, which explains alot ACTUALLY. I wish people would stop putting Ryan Seacrest on everything, including the olympics … I mean HELLO! The olympics now have that american idol grossness to them. Uuuggghhh. I love you more every day, Noa <3

Johi August 1, 2012 at 10:09 am

I wish people would stop throwing 8 million “We’re getting married and having a pre-wedding celebration so buy me 500 gifts and mark all the Saturdays on your calendar as full until the actual wedding because I expect you to put on a party dress, not get stupid drunk and make nice with my soon-to-be MIL again.”

Also, I wish women in Ft. Collins would expand their shoe collection beyond Crocs and Tevas.
Also, I wish people would floss more.
Johi recently posted..Chocolate? Cookie? Yes, please.

Leauxra August 1, 2012 at 10:12 am

I passed an office park yesterday (once again, no swings at the office park, what the fuck kind of park is that?), and one of the businesses was named “Funovation”.

FUNOVATION? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

So I told my boyfriend about it, and he said, “That place must be an AWESOME place to work.”
Me: “Or the worst thing ever.
Him: “Yeah, there’s not really a lot of middle ground with that one.”

I guess it would be OK if there were a slide in the lobby, EXCEPT THAT ITS NAME IS FUNOVATION.

Monica August 1, 2012 at 10:12 am

“Gender reveal parties” are a thing? Dear God. And here I am, trying to figure out how to avoid telling my family I’m pregnant until the baby’s in college. I don’t like to make a fuss, ya know?
Monica recently posted..Lesson No. 1 about kiddie porn: Just say no

Jaime August 1, 2012 at 10:33 am

I’m totally with you on the LadyRotica…. it’s called literotica.com … MUCH better written and FREE!
Jaime recently posted..just keep studying, just keep studying…

Lauren@FilingJointly August 1, 2012 at 10:38 am

Confession….So I totally sent out Save The Dates…(Or STDs as I like to call them)

I really didn’t want to but my husband and I were getting married really close to Christmas and I figured I should give people the heads up. In my defense, I made them at Walgreens and they cost $.11 each and they were pretty shitty looking.

Also, my husband used a ten year old sponge he found at the back of the cabinet under the sink to seal the envelopes, which I didn’t know until I noticed a vaguely moldy smell emanating from the stack of cards.

So 2010 is the year I basically gave all of my friends and family a cheap and stinky STD.
Lauren@FilingJointly recently posted..How Ryan(Or as he calls himself "The One That Didn’t Get Away") Met (And Married) Lauren Part III – Part I

Misty August 1, 2012 at 10:46 am

Noa, I sense there was an unfortunate molestation incident in your past involving a naive and uninitiated Noa and a sexy romper that got all up in your lady bits. It’s ok, Noa. This is a safe place. You can share the horror of that bad touch BAD TOUCH with all of your friends here on the very private interwebz. There there, honey. Let it all out.
Misty recently posted..A Trip to the Beach: A Journey in Pictures PART 1

Laura August 1, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Can we please ban the use of the word “journey” to mean anything other than the act of traveling from one physical location to another? Whenever I hear someone use it as a metaphor, I assume that what’s going to come next will be a long, self-absorbed monologue. I know that’s not always the case, but I’m sorry — all the weight-loss journeys and infertility journeys and finding-myself-as-a-whatever journeys have ruined it for everyone.
Laura recently posted..Fifty Shades of Gregor Samsa

thelovelyjazmin August 1, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Umm..excuse me but I enjoy being naked while peeing. ALL NUDE, ALL THE TIME!!!

shannon August 1, 2012 at 2:31 pm

i hate hate hate when you see the same people fifty times during the day at work and EVERY.SINGLE.TIME they have to say something lame/stupid/obvious/redundant for no reason other than an attempt at having their existence acknowledged constantly ….STOP IT! it is perfectly acceptable to smile and nod and shut the fuck up….i bought a dress once that i didn’t realize was a romper type whatnot (the bastards hid the buttons under some gauzy panels) and the first time i wore it to work and had to pee i was horrified that i had not before realized that it would require me to be naked and peeing at work…i gave it to my mother…

Bill G. August 2, 2012 at 12:33 am

God yes!! When I come to work Monday morning, every motherfucker has to ask me what I did this weekend. It’s a fucking garbage question. Why? If I had a great weekend, you’ll be hearing about it. If I had a shitty weekend or didn’t really do anything, do you really want to hear me rationalize it and/or tell you about mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, and drinking 7 beers while watching Smokey & The Bandit? A nod or “Hey” works well, use it more often.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd August 1, 2012 at 3:13 pm

The “best” use of the word ‘actually’ is when someone uses it and is wrong. “Actually, there’s no sport called ‘volleyball.'”
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nadine August 1, 2012 at 5:55 pm

My brother’s cat is named Kevin.

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) August 1, 2012 at 6:53 pm

I’m wildly impressed with the fact that you seem to have covered everything, and then some… I didn’t even know body suits were still around. I had a red one in 3rd grade and I still have a wedgy from it.

Bill G. August 2, 2012 at 12:00 am

Non-Combinatory Words: When I was 6 and my brother was 10, we had a bad Mexican meal. The evening wound up being a real fart-a-rama.

Bill G. August 2, 2012 at 12:24 am

What do I wish people would stop doing? Talking about their fucking medical problems. I don’t need to hear about your goddamn bunions, shingles, green piss, or the time that you shit fire and your toilet looked like the battle for Okinawa in World War II. And people talk about this shit over dinner and at kid’s birthday parties. What the fuck is wrong with people?

What’s almost as bad is hearing relatives complain about their weight problems. I’m a chunky guy, I’m full of trials and tribulations concerning weight, I don’t need to hear it from my fuckstick relatives at Thanksgiving dinner. You eat at McDonald’s, you lay in bed instead of walking a few laps around the park, you bake an entire rack of cinnamon rolls and then eat them all in kitchen while they’re still hot. I got it, fucking move on already.

Dana the Biped August 2, 2012 at 12:36 pm

I’d never actually heard of gender reveal parties, until, you know, Pinterest. Where I come from, the gender is generally kept quiet, like the shameful accident that pre-marital fetus is.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Hops in the Right Direction: Come One, Come All

Valerie August 2, 2012 at 8:40 pm

I remember when bodysuits were the cool/hip thing when I was in high school. I had to walk home from school that day. By the time I made it home, the I-have-to-pee O’meter was off the charts. I ran to the bathroom and for some reason could not unsnap those God forsaken buttons. I even tried just pulling the front up in the hopes that the buttons would just pop off… But, alas, all I did was give myself a Melvin… Then I peed myself. That was the first and last time I ever wore one of those fucking things.

Hugs!

Valerie
Valerie recently posted..This is why I should stick to reliable porn sites.

Dave in Sherman August 2, 2012 at 11:51 pm

Noa, thank god you don’t talk about politics. I am so sick of every asshole pundit screaming about the most insignifigant bullshit that I could and do scream. Ok, it’s an election year, I get it. Shut the fuck up about it. I’ll look at it in October before I vote. Fuck off until then.
Dave
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Bill G. August 3, 2012 at 10:49 pm

No frickin’ doubt. I’ve been un-friending people on Facebook lately because, to me, politics should stay on the trillion political message boards/blogs that are out there. Nothing against them personally and I respect their opinions, I just don’t want to fucking read about it when I’m connecting with family and friends. It all drives me nuts, too.

Kelly Fox August 7, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Actually… Fuck actually. I’m so glad someone said it, and even gladdererererer it was you! My sister did that shit for awhile, and then my kid tried it on for size.. It did not last long. We are not going to get me started on a rant of things that annoy the shit out of me because I will drop a rant on here so big it will leave a mark Oral Robertson won’t be able to take off! Because people annoy me.
Kelly Fox recently posted..The Foxy Guide to Extermination

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