Dear A Lot Of People I Hit With Newspaper Last Week And Demanded You “STOP IT” Like You Were A Naughty Cat,
You make me want to rip my throat out with a slurpee straw and fling it at a passerby in order to inflict the same amount of horror I just experienced in coming across you. I’m sorry, but you’re displaying behavior that is A) incomprehensible and B) so stupid I blew my asshole out in frustration of your existence.
There is no more uselessly passive-aggressive word than ‘actually.’ It has absolutely no value. It does not enhance or clarify, it only serves to point out how much more awesome you are at knowing things than everyone else in the world.
Example: In response to the statement, “The clock tower in London is named Fatass Charlie,” one could say, “Actually, the clock tower in London is named Big Ben,” or, “The clock tower in London is named Big Ben.” On one hand, you’re a huge cuntmuppet, and on the other, you’re not. CHOOSE WISELY.
I cannot imagine that anyone in their right minds looked at themselves in the mirror one day and thought, “You know what this collared, button-down shirt really needs? Crotch snaps,” and thusly started a fashion revolution.
Also, because everyone in the world is a different size, you’re going to end up with one of two horrifying scenarios:
1) a bunch of fabric hurricaning around your crotch all day, leading to a cotton-poly shitstorm and the appearance that you have a pair of balls while trying to get through your sales presentation.
2) a shirt pulled extremely tight through the shoulder and snatch, creating a Quasimanhole, The Hunchback Of Cameltoe. Ring the bell, motherfucker.
See above. Addendum: you also have to be totally nude to pee, including all public and questionably-lockable toilet stalls. ENJOY.
1970’s People Names For Dogs:
This is extremely specific to dogs, and also to the type of name. I’ve met dogs named Belle, Annie, Talullah, and Alex without incident, but I will always fucking laugh at a Chihuahua named Brenda or a Husky named Debbie or a Shi-Tzu named Teresa-Louise. Have you ever met a dog named Linda? It’s fucking unsettling. I just imagine someone’s soccer mom in her sternum-high Rockies jeans taking on the dog-shit pose every time. I met a Poodle named Beverly once, and I’m still laughing at how hilarious it was to hear, “BEVERLY. STOP SHITTING ON THE RUG, BEVERLY.”
Almost All Baby Names These Days:
Breaking news: your baby is probably going to be average as a motherfucker. Naming him Shoot will not guarantee he will be a badass R&B star, it will only guarantee that the manager of a Staples one day will have a really goddamn stupid name. Fill in the blank with your baby’s name: “Today, President _______ Signed A Peace Treaty.” If you think it sounds weird, then your baby shouldn’t be named that.
Unless you’re 5 and extremely racist, Kathy’s Kool Kuts should never be the name of your business. It’s like poorly-done SEO for the brick-and-mortar world–you’re hoping that people will remember you and visit you because of your clever name, when in reality people visit you because they assume you’re somehow mentally incapacitated and they want to help your business succeed in the face of adversity. Do you really want to ride that line, Larry’s Lugubrious Lumberpalooza?
Funtastic. Eggstravaganza. Any word that ends in -o-rama or -palooza. You’re putting glitter on the Emancipation Proclamation; these words can stand on their own as interesting and engaging, and you’re ruining language as we know it. If you think you need word herpes to get people to attend your event, then you need to take a good hard look at the choices you’re making in life, because chances are you’re making the wrong ones. Try again, asshole.
Gender Reveal Parties:
UGH, WE GET IT. You’re having a baby, and you need more reasons to show off how fucking amazing you are for doing something you accomplished probably by accident. I refuse to wear a pink shirt for #teamgirl and I refuse to bite in to a cupcake to find out the genitals of your fetus for obvious disgusting reasons. Can you imagine this in the adult world? What if a guy brought you a cake that you had to cut in to in order to find out the size of his dick? AREN’T GENITALLY MOTIVATED CAKES WEIRD, YOU GUYS?
Attention women who came over Magic Mike, Twilight, and 50 Shades of Grey: did you guys know that porn is totally a thing? Also, it’s free, and on the internet. You know how some of your friends didn’t want to read/see those things with you? It’s not because they’re prudes, it’s because THEY KNOW WHERE TO FIND PORN, which is anywhere, anytime, and for (trust me on this one) any fetish you can possibly dream of. I guarantee Magic Mike will look super-lame to you as well when you discover the wide variety of things people want to put in their asses. Also, the acting is MUCH better.
Save The Dates:
UGH, WE GET IT. You’re getting married, and you can’t wait to start showing off as early as possible, especially if the card, “really shows who you are as a couple,” and, “is so undeniably unique.” Fuck you, you fucking fuckerson with your fuckwit attitude. As much as you think everyone cares that you’re starting your journey towards forever, literally every other person in the world wants you to die in a fire for sending out another mustache themed “Shave The Date.” Fuck you again, just for making me think of that joke.
Please, for mankind and also quality rum, stop it.
Noa D. Gavin And The Rest Of The Goddamn Planet
What do you wish people would stop doing?– Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Lauren @ Filing Jointly: “Never kicked out of somewhere…that I remember…but I did get sent home from the hardware store I worked at twice in high school. Once for saying “I need a price check on Dixon Nuts at register two” over the intercom. And then again when, after my manager asked me to make a Sale sign for Garden Hose, I made a huge sign that said “Cheap Hose, Inquire Inside” and stuck it in the front window. I was a fucking badass in high school. Once I got a B even.”