Yes, It Does Smell Like Fish. Thank You For Noticing.

07/23/2012 · 27 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, I'm A Terrible Person, Sadist Vagina

I spend an excessive amount of time thinking about the lives of fictional characters after their real story has ended, predominately because I’m insane and attach myself to imaginary things. While I use a lot of time to think of fanciful and happy futures for most of the characters I know and love, I also spend a lot of time being sickeningly worried for all of the Disney Princesses’ futures.

Most characters could have happy, or at least interesting and engaging, lives–but not the princesses.

Belle has to deal with a newfound furry and/or bestiality preference.
Jasmine can be assured that Aladdin has the clap because he made the monkey jack him off.
Snow White has to turn 13, y’all, and that is especially hard when a 28-year-old man molested you awake.

These princesses can deal, though. They will lead unfortunate, subordinate and boring lives (minus Mulan and Pocahontas, perhaps) but one bitch has it the toughest. One girl faces not only a sexist and slightly pedophilic future, but also the horrifying realities of who she’s become: Ariel.

 Sorry Punkinfish

Ariel is a pinnacle of women’s rights to begin with, what with all the voice giving up so she can bone a dude she’s known for a grand total of 18 seconds only to later leave everything she’s ever known, including her LOWER BODY to bone this dude for good in a castle.

STRANGER DANGER STRANGER DANGER 

It also helps her future prospects out that she’s 16-years-old, and we know that every 16-year-old girl usually never makes poor choices about men. Ariel’s daddy issues are as deep as my frown re: her backstory.

I’m So Wet Right Now. It’s Not Unusual Because I’m A Fish. Stop Leering.

But you guys, LOVE AND SHIT.

Nope. It’s time for some fish-to-human realness, y’all. Should she choose to ignore all the hundreds of poor decisions she’s made up to this point (Ursula, hoarding, rights-abandoning), she’s still got to deal with a few major issues in her humanness.

Let’s Talk About Sex

Ariel has only known that humans have split fins instead of webbed, and not what goes on in the crotchal region because the mere idea of a crotch is foreign to fish. “The Talk” for mermaids involves eggs and tiny fucked-up looking baby fish and migration and a whole buffet of separate-species grossness. Now this bitch grows legs and gets married and shit is about to get unbelievably real.

HAHA, NOPE. 

First, Eric unties those unfortunately pleated pirate pants to reveal his decidedly un-fishy wang, and she’ll probably just start curling her hair on it because she’s naive, guys.

Ever Thought About How Many Dildos Found Their Way Into Her Hoard And She Saw His Dick For The First Time And Went, “IT’S A GOOBERNOCKER! I’ve Had Like 90 Of These!” And Then Everyone Was Sad?

Then he’ll get to explain, “No Ariel, this goes in here. Poke,” and that’s like finding out that your husband’s dick is shaped like a star and you can only get pregnant from anal. You’d never believe him, and Ariel wouldn’t believe Eric. Hard to live happily ever after when the first 3 years are spent trying to debrief a fishbitch on the finery of boning.

Fish Will Shit Literally Anywhere

Fish don’t give a damn about where they shit. Even in a society as apparently advanced as King Triton’s, I imagine they gave up on toilets many hundreds of years ago because they tried it once and because of gravity and water, you basically just sat in a vortex of poop every time you go to the bathroom.

Betcha On Land, They Understand, Bet They Don’t Have To Bat Their Poops Away

Imagine sitting on your toilet and all the poops you ever pooped just whizzed around the room the entire time–you’d bail on the whole toilet thing too and just decide to poop wherever. It’s all just gonna be around anyway, so just let it go.

Opera seats? SHIT IT UP.
Fish Subway? SHIT THAT OUT.
Fancy date? SHITS GALORE.

On land, we have…what’s the word…fire, and also toilets and things, and we don’t just shit wherever. That’s going to make for an awkward wedding day when right in the middle of dinner, Ariel drops one without batting an eye and Eric suddenly realizes that this is like marrying a totally separate species from a totally separate world because THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT IT IS.

Enjoy your marriage, you guys. Built on lies and trickery, won on murder, and held together through Eric’s pure will to fuck that which has never been fucked before, in spite of the grossness.

We Call That A Laurence FISHBURNNNNNN

Am I the only one who thinks too much about fake people? What other horrifying endings have you thought about for the Princesses? Did I miss any for Ariel in particular?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Valerie: “The clementine candle could also be called “How to make a molotov out of an orange and Hope.” Or maybe I have “issues” or whatever.”
Cowgirl Red July 23, 2012 at 6:55 am

Well, I haven’t until now. There’s a whole new sea-world of things to obsess over. I can hardly wait to get started. Terah
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Morgan July 23, 2012 at 8:36 am

Well, for me, I’ve always been incredibly impressed by the level of thoroughness with which Disney researches animal behavior so that they can at least imbue their animal characters with the appropriate traits. Which is to say, in nearly every case, they use the family dog as a reference because it was handy. Princess Jasmine’s tiger? A dog. Just look at it. That’s the whiniest tiger I’ve ever seen. All Disney horses? Dogs in disguise. No horse is that loyal. The only exception to this rule is if it’s a villainous animal character: then Disney makes it a cat.

Meg July 23, 2012 at 9:08 am

I will sit and watch cartoons all day long with my kids but I’ve never thought that much about them, outside of what happens on TV. But now I’m thinking about all the fish shit in the ocean, just swirling around. A poop vortex. I’m never swimming again.
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Mayor Gia July 23, 2012 at 9:59 am

Haaaaa! What about all the characters from beauty and the beast who go from being objects to people at the end?? “I’ve been a chipped teacup for a century, and now I’m a normal boy again!” Don’t tell me that doesn’t come with some PTSD.
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Christine July 24, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Oh my sweet jeebus exactly!! And what the hell part of that boy is missing to make that chip? That’s the insanity train my brain takes.

Rachel July 23, 2012 at 10:37 am

I wanted to be Ariel so damn bad when I was a kid. I was obsessed with The Little Mermaid. I actually wore out my VHS copy of it. Turns out I have a bit of a Ginger obsession.

Jaime July 23, 2012 at 10:48 am

lmfao … glad I’m not the only one. The Little Mermaid was the first movie I ever saw in the theatre by myself…. it was magical.

how about Cinderella… how long do you think the prince will put up with having mice and shit in his home?
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Jen July 24, 2012 at 3:01 pm

You two make me feel really fucking old. . .I’m just saying.
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Leauxra July 23, 2012 at 10:45 am

Being a huge dork, I can’t help but think of the original stories… where Mulan lives alone and ostracized, where Ariel as a human is rejected, and is so sad, she bursts into seafoam, where Meghara (of Hercules fame), can’t have kids, so Hercules leaves her for a girl that is more fertile…

I see your future, Disney princess, and you will die alone, unwanted, and unmourned… maybe YOU’LL grow up to be the wicked witch next time, Snow White…

Jen July 24, 2012 at 3:03 pm

And in the original Sleeping Beauty the prince didn’t wake her up. Instead he raped her repeatedly while she was unconscious and she gave birth to two children. When they got older they hunted down their deadbeat dad and ripped his heart out. Now THAT’S a fairy tale I can get behind.
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wasnt_serious July 23, 2012 at 11:40 am

The one you forgot about Ariel is….how the fuck is she going to deal with her first period. Seriously, I don’t think the seagull is gonna help much.

Carrie July 23, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Not so much wondering about fictional people, more like projecting personalities on objects. For example, whenever I take an egg from the carton I imagine all the other eggs saying “Oh no, not Larry! There goes another good egg. Wonder who will be next?” Weird, I know.

Dani July 23, 2012 at 1:54 pm

I wonder how Charming dealt with the fact that Snow White constantly fantasized about being tied up and whipped by midgets.

Because that totally happened, right?
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Jillian July 23, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Sleeping Beauty has four mommies. Minus the fact that she needs a yet-to-be-identified male to bring her to full consciousness, that is one badass, liberated chick!
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Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd July 23, 2012 at 5:51 pm

You know Snow White screams and hyperventilates every time she sees an apple. And every. single. time. everyone has to hear about the time she ate the poisoned one. Gah.
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Dani July 23, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Remember the time Snow White ate the poisoned apple?
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Jen July 24, 2012 at 7:18 pm

…and that one time? At Dwarf Camp?
Jen recently posted..Suck it, Emily Post

themandilee July 23, 2012 at 8:23 pm

Well, it always bothered me that sass-mouthin, running away from home, neglecting chores, telling people about the cirtters that talked to me and stalking a hottie got Cinderella a fine fella but would get me Baker Acted. I gave up on the whole princess sham at a young age and went the way of the Rock Star. There is more truth in eyeliner and patent leather heels than in a ballgown and bouffant anyway.

Valerie July 23, 2012 at 9:55 pm

No, man.. You are ON TO SOMETHING HERE! I used to have a fish tank, so I know about these things. Ever see a goldfish swim around the tank for 20 mins with a turd that is half its body length attached to it? Fish don’t have cutters on their anuses. And who’s to say that dad knew to put one there with his voodoo magic. I bet she doesn’t even have a womb. She’ll just lay a bunch of mucus covered eggs next to Eric one night on their honeymoon and be all “Your turn!”

Not to mention, she’ll get ick the first time she hits a stressful situation. Fish can’t handle stress. Next thing you know, she’ll start walking on her hands. Let’s face it. She’s as good as dead.

Shit just got real.

Hugs!

Valerie
Valerie recently posted..Only YOU can protect yourself from Zombies… Because I will trip your ass.

Jen July 24, 2012 at 3:06 pm

I keep thinking it’s only a matter of time before the Disney Princesses go all Arab Spring and decide to Occupy Disneyland in demand of women’s rights. Or at least for better wardrobes, because the dirndyls and shell bras? Oh HELL to the no.
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Dana the Biped July 24, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Hey, I’m frankly just so glad that Disney at least made those princess stories superficially happily-ever-after that I’ll let a lot of bestiality/fishiality slide. Seriously. In the original Italian version (several centuries older than the Grimm’s version), Sleeping Beauty is raped while dead by the king, who is married. And then she (Sleeping Beauty) gives birth while dead to twins who suckle their dead mother. Cue the ceaseless shuddering.

And Cinderella’s mice? Way cuter than Cinderella’s Italian Revenge: she slams the lid of a trunk down on her stepmother’s neck, killing her.

Sleep well, kiddies.
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Chooplah July 24, 2012 at 6:04 pm

I was really disturbed by Howard the Duck when I was a kid, I can’t even talk about it.
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kathy867 July 24, 2012 at 8:58 pm

After you’ve disinfected the overflow sufficiently, partially release the stopper so that it drains v-e-r-y slowly. This will allow the disinfectant to clean the underside of the stopper, the rod that operates the stopper and the trap under the sink that prevents sewer gases from entering your house.
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jess July 25, 2012 at 9:13 am

I think the most disturbing point for Ariel would have to be babies. As noted, fish have eggs, humans have… well little humans. For the actual birthing we are talking the difference between BBs and Watermelons. That’s going to be one heck of a shock! And no epidurals either. And what will she give birth to? Did Triton change her DNA to human so she will have human babies, because this seems like an aspect he wouldn’t know about to change meaning she would likely spew out a few hundred 2 inch long mutant things that can’t breath on land. The royal lineage is in for some hard times there.

Kelly Fox July 25, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Awesome! Did no one else even notice that you got Ariel to say “pooping” Take a gander everyone, she is, and that took skill and timing!
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Pamela Oakley July 26, 2012 at 2:04 am

Great post. I like your topic most especially the sex part. I am just wondering if how a mermaid labor? Where did the little mermaid come out?
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Janine Thomas July 31, 2012 at 6:03 am

I like reading this topic about Ariel the mermaid. Will, we really don’t know how the mermaid get pregnant and how they labor the little mermaid as well. I hope for those who know the answer they can share it to us.
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