There Can Only Be One CatMaster. It Is Not Me.

07/02/2012 · 36 comments

in Adrian, Dead Animals, How Did My Life Come To This, Psychological Warfare, What Is Wrong With You?

Monday, June 25th

Walk into bedroom, notice lump in pristine bedding. Smack bump as hard as possible with an open palm in an attempt to karate the balls off of a previously immaculate comforter.

Immediate regrets. Lump is verified to be black cat who shits in my closet and therefore lives here now says Adrian. Cat proceeds to howl and slither-leap from the bedding and perma-weld itself to my thighs. I scream, she screams, and we spin wildly through the room together for 3 minutes while attempting to dislodge ourselves in what is commonly known as a bitch-fight. Cat uses me as a springboard to escape to the dark part of the closet. I shout that the cat was rendered from Satan’s dick warts.

Wash Cat puke covered bathmat.

Tuesday, June 26th

I put on a scarf, a fashionable and appropriate choice for errand-running. Cat enters the room silently and leaps on a dangling end of the scarf, cinching that motherfucker like a corset around my throat. I make a sound that started as a scream and ended as a very loud “HERRRRRTHORP,” thanks to the lack of vocal cord movement. I step on one edge of our glass scale, wang my eyeball on a towel hook, and in a last ditch attempt to free myself of that navy-blue linen stockade, I pull as hard as I can on the scarf. This launches the end that Cat is attached to whipping through the air and near enough to my eyes for me to see her hatred. Cat then runs away while still holding one end of the scarf, slamming my head into the wall.

Wash Cat puke covered dog bed.

Wednesday, June 27th

I reach for my towel while getting out of the shower, only to be swiped at by a black paw that emerges from the depths of the shower curtain and shower liner gap. Right wrist is cut down the tracks, not deep enough to bleed. Fake suicide, Cat? Not today.

Wash Cat puke covered shoe.

Thursday, June 28th

Open contact case, find the left eye slot to be filled with black cat fur. Bitch got thumbs. Bitch wanna play. I must wear glasses all day in an attempt to avoid an allergic reaction. Cat walks in between my legs for hours, taking full advantage of my hindered sight.

Wash Cat puke covered bathmat. Again.

Friday, June 29th

Cat meows needlessly from behind the luggage in the dark part of my closet for 2 hours, despite 3 (incredibly humanitarian) rescue attempts to free her. Cat lodges herself deeper into the abyss each time, and each time grows louder. Cat stops screaming when Adrian comes home, invalidating any attempts at explaining my terror to him.

Wash Cat puke covered bathmat. For the third time.

Saturday, June 30th

Cat is hidden on my black office chair, proceeds to leap off of it when I walk by. This sends my chair careening towards me and hurtling over my cold toes. I scream in agony while Cat watches from the couch, slowly licking her paw. Cat is now trying to make it look like an accident, and I’m looking like I’m un-fucking-touchable. Come at me, Cat.

Ignore cat puke covered blanket out of spite. Adrian, Cat’s favorite person, washes it.

Sunday, July 1st

Woke up with mysterious deep gouge in middle fingers of each hand. Fuck you too, Cat. Fuck you too.

I throw my jeans into the laundry bucket. Jeans then immediately leap out of laundry bucket and begin to run towards me as fast as possible, while I scream like someone whose pants have just come to life and are on the attack. Cat slips out from underneath jeans. Cat stares. I stare. I scream again, Cat swipes at the sole of my foot, severing a blister and ruining my fucking life forever.

Heard Cat puking somewhere in the house, don’t even care to fucking find it anymore. I just want it all to end.

If Cat and I keep this up, I will be dead by Independence Day.

Who/what has stalked you? A pet, a food, a rug, a child? Also, fuck this cat. Seriously.

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Mayor Gia July 2, 2012 at 7:00 am

Hahah does cat only make a move when Adrian isn’t around to witness it? It’s like one of those demon orphan children who only torment one parent..
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Misty July 2, 2012 at 8:24 am

Yeah, that cat is seriously a devil spawn. You need to “accidentally” leave that fucker outside in the 105* heat for a couple days. Then again, if he was indeed born and raised in the fiery pits of hell, it might just make him stronger and more resolved to screw with you.

You’re pretty much fucked, Noa. Sorry about that.
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Lydia July 2, 2012 at 8:47 am

Cats are the effing WORST. We had a deranged paranoid cat who used to meow and hiss at walls and then poop *next to* the litter box instead of in it – you know, just to throw an extra “fuck you” out there. After waking up one morning and slipping and falling in a puddle of cat puke on the kitchen floor I posted on Facebook “OK, time to go towards the light now, cat”. Next morning I woke up and the fucker was dead. You know, just to make me look like I had killed it and have my FB friends pondering calling PETA on me. Well played, cat – well played.
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Bill G. July 2, 2012 at 11:42 pm

In all the self-help books for dealing with problem cats, they always go on about how cats never do anything bad to be vindictive, it’s all a cry for help. Bull-fucking-shit. My cat, who is no longer with us (put him down when he got too sick to treat, he didn’t meet with an “accident” even though I was hardcore tempted), used to love love love on my wife’s sister whenever she’d come over and then go shit in my shoe. He did all kinds of shit to me and only me. Don’t know what I did to him, I never hit him or was intentionally mean.

Yeah, cats are never vindictive or manipulative–and I’ll piss on your foot and you can call it holy water.

Cyprium July 3, 2012 at 2:25 pm

OMFG, I just choked on absolutely nothing when I read your post. That really WAS well played on the cat’s part. Sorry you had to deal with the little bastard to begin with, and really hope no one called PETA on your for its untimely (or ironically timed?) demise.

Bill G. July 3, 2012 at 8:08 pm

I second Cyprium, that cat played the game like no other.

Kate July 2, 2012 at 9:29 am

My cat invited her arch nemesis/buddy cat friend into our bedroom last night (via the open window) and proceeded to have a cat fight on our faces at midnight. Then she slept all over my clean clothes and now I have nothing to wear that doesn’t resemble a hair rug. At 2:20 am she demanded food, so I threw her and a cup of cat food out the front door. I found her licking her ass on my pillow at 6:30 am. Yelled at my husband for letting her back in the house, had a fight over why we keep her, and threw her back out. Miserable animal.
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Andi Davies July 2, 2012 at 9:50 am

Wow. I am now feeling grateful to my two cats, who are too lazy to attack anyone who doesn’t try to pet them first. To be fair, they WILL take a finger off when they get pissy, but you normally get a bit of a warning hiss.
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Janene July 2, 2012 at 10:52 am

This only confirms what my allergies have told me: do not own a cat.

Amanda July 2, 2012 at 11:10 am

Apparently, it’s not just your cat…

Jen July 2, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Mapquest is taunting me regularly. Every time I travel for work that sadistic son of a bitch sends me down some backwoods road to nowhere. If I want someone tracking my every movement, deserting me by the side of the road, and never speaking to me I’ll just get married again. Fuck you, Mapquest.
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Janene July 4, 2012 at 12:23 am

I had a problem with Mapquest years ago (before there were inexpensive GPSes). Totally out of town and trying to rely on printed Mapquest instructions, I watched as we drove away from the city where we wanted to go. At that point, I said, “Fuck this Mapquest bullshit” and trusted my instincts by pulling a U-turn and heading back into the town. At that point, we picked up the Mapquest instructions again and found our hotel. But only barely.

Since then, Google maps has been my friend especially as I have the Google map app on my smartphone. Google maps = goodness.

Bill G. July 4, 2012 at 9:29 am
Dana the Biped July 2, 2012 at 12:26 pm

My aunt had this cat when I was a kid. Said cat never came near me, only stared at me from down the hallway with those scary red demon eyes cats always have in weird light. Except at night. Then he’d sleep on my face.
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Bananawind July 2, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Yo. I have a devilish micro-pig. She runs me around the yard biting at my ankels and making this horrible grunting screaming sound. She does not do this to my honey. Just me and the poor, poor dog. I need a pig whisperer.

Rachel July 2, 2012 at 1:36 pm

I used to have a gang of raccoons that would get on top of my car and make threatening noises and gestures at me when I would try to leave. They also liked to get in the dumpster and close the lid, so that when I came out to put the garbage in there, they could jump out when I opened the lid and scare the shit out of me. And to add to the fun, they would jump into the large garbage can on the back porch and somehow make it roll across and off into the yard, so not only was I jolted awake by the loud noise, I also had to clean it all up at some point in the night/morning. Raccoons are assholes.

Bill G. July 3, 2012 at 8:29 pm

Yeah, people say that animals aren’t smart or have a sense of humor (sadistic sense of humor in this case). People that say that shit should have to do an outdoor sleepover at your house. It’s my theory that no animal fucks with you like that by accident, they’re sitting around plotting and they’ve got all day everyday to dream up new ways to bust your ass.

Becky July 22, 2012 at 11:24 am

Couldn’t agree more on the raccoons are assholes. My neighborhood is plagued with them but they seem to like my house best. Everynight the bastards are in my yard spreading garbage everywhere, and pissing my dog off. We finally started locking the trash in the garage, but they still come back on trash day and hit every can in front of our house but never any of the neighbors, and those SOBs aren’t even a little bit afraid of humans, in fact one night I went out after chasing one away and the little effer charged me. Hate coons
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Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd July 2, 2012 at 1:41 pm

I have also had my cat attached to my leg, frantically dragging the leg and cat behind me praying for sweet relief. The even sadder part? I AM my cat’s favorite person.
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Mandi July 2, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Oh, honey. You’re doing it wrong.

Cats, like twenty-something sorostitutes, only like you if you’re buying their affections and walk all over you when you’re not feeding their rampant sense of entitlement.

You need to use the same psychological warfare that you would on a bratty 8 year old.
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Lily From It's A Dome Life July 2, 2012 at 4:38 pm

My husbands cat tried to kill me while I was watching the Inauguration of President Obama. She leaped up off my lap and attacked my neck vampire style. For weeks I had tiny claw holes on either side of my neck where she held on while she bit me first on the chin and then on the neck. I’ve banished her to live out in my husbands shop where he is forced to pet her, feed her, and change the litter. She and I don’t mix well. That’s the day I officially became a dog person. Thank you, Obama!

Handflapper July 2, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Do yourself a favor. Stuff that cat in a pillow case–better yet, a quilted sham, for added protection–and throw it in a fast-moving river. I won’t tell if you won’t.

My nemesis is still around after eight tormented years.
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Haley July 2, 2012 at 7:42 pm

When my sister was little the cat we had hated her. It would run out of bedrooms and pounce on her while she was toddling by, claw her arms, and hiss anytime she came within 10 feet of it. And then it caught her eating its cat food straight out of the bowl. Oddly, that put an end to it. I still like to remind her of this from time to time. Not because she’s a cat whisperer or anything, but because she ate cat food out of the bowl. That shits hilarious.
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Valerie July 2, 2012 at 9:13 pm

My daughter has a cat much like this. Only I am pretty sure that she is trying to kill my 5 year old. Whenever Jasmyn walks into the same room as her, she immediately attacks her leg. Like a fucking magnet.

Yesterday she was literally climbing the walls…. Then, spider monkey attacked my youngest. She is developing a complex.

Fuck Cats.


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Bill G. July 3, 2012 at 8:31 pm

I suggest fire, and lots of it.

Valerie July 3, 2012 at 9:05 pm

But what if she is Satan?! Then I am feeding into her powers…. WE ARE ALL DOOOOOOMED!!!!
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Samantha Brent July 9, 2012 at 4:39 am

That is very hilarious. The cat is very psychotic.
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Bill G. July 2, 2012 at 11:55 pm

Noa, you should make a video and send it to the Cat From Hell reality show on TLC. I’d say you’ve got a shot at it. And yes, there are enough psychotic fuck-nugget cats begging for an “accident” that there is a TV show (probably more than one) about it with a cat whisperer that comes to your house and helps you out. The host, Jackson Galaxy, is as fucking weird as his name. He sure knows his shit when it comes to demon spawn masquerading as a cat.

I could never be a host of a show like that. The episodes would all be 10 minutes long and my recommendation would be the same for every problem cat: “Kill it. Fire, bullets, road trip to Death Valley, the wheels of your car–whatever ya got. Feel free to be creative!”

Tazer Warrior Princess July 3, 2012 at 12:12 am

Oh, so you’ve got a spawn of Hades occupying your living space, eh?

I’ve never had an evil cat like that, but my roommates dog used to sneak into my room just to lick it’s ass. Every. Fucking. Night. And would wake HER up if I didn’t let it into MY room, which made for a whole lot of giggle fun time.

Some days… fuck animals.

Dani July 3, 2012 at 3:37 pm

My terror of rabbits knows no bounds, due to the long-eared Anti-Christ I received for Easter, circa 1970-ish.

I was 7 and naturally, getting a bunny on Easter was magical. My sister got a precious white bunny with pink eyes and gray ears that she named Snowball.

I got a black and white bitch with shark eyes that I named Domino.

(Dominos pizza hadn’t been invented yet, so I consider myself quite the visionary.)

That rabbit bit me, growled at me (oh yes she did!!!), kicked and scratched the shit out of me at every given opportunity, and then wound up having babies (turns out Snowball was a dude) WHICH SHE ATE.

My mom has a framed picture hanging in her house that features my sister and I, with our rabbits. My sister is all smiles, holding her precious white rabbit like a puppy dog, while the rabbit blows her air kisses and wiggles it’s little pink nose.

I, on the other hand, am bawling my eyes out while gingerly holding Domino at arms length in front of me.

The rabbit is glaring at the camera, and if you look closely enough, you can see the faint outline of the numbers 666 on it’s furry little forehead.

True story.
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Johi July 3, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Who ISN’T stalking me?
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Ms. Plaid Dressy Pants July 5, 2012 at 1:19 pm

I had a cat who terrorized me once. Bitch got what was coming when I rhetorically asked my daughter at bath time if she wanted to take a bath with said Cat. She adamantley screamed “YESSSS!!!”, turned around, scooped Cat up, and threw her into the full tub.

I pee’d my pants.
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Julianne Mackie July 6, 2012 at 4:26 am

Oh, that is really a hilarious cat. Perhaps, that cat has an emotional problem. I haven’t seen cat like that and I am so lucky that I never was. I have many kittens inside my home and they are so tame.
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Courtney March 4, 2013 at 9:28 pm

I really do not remember the last time I laughed that hard. As my cats are often referred as “those evil little fuckers,” that my husband keeps threatening to set free, I sympathize. That was some funny shit though.
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