Re: ‘Merica, Where That Mothafucka Got Shot

07/16/2012 · 33 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, I'm A Terrible Person, Social Services, What Is Wrong With You?

I really have no right to judge people about their lives. I mean, I once threw a suitcase up a spiral staircase fully expecting it not to come rocketing right back down and back over me in the process, and I have been kicked out of a minimum of 30 businesses in my life, one of them being a permanent ban from Christopher and Banks. I’m not exceptionally smart or talented or better than anyone else, so I should just keep my mouth shut.

But I can’t stop judging people, because these things happen:

1. Re: Abraham Lincoln and Ford’s Theatre

High School Teen 1: “Yo, why that girl get all huffy about that theatre?”
High School Teen 2: “That where that mothafucka got shot.”

You have to be fucking kidding me. I’ll give you this, at least you knew the low-down about Ford’s Theatre, but “That where that mothafucka got shot?” I just can’t imagine a greater history class than one of your masterfully poetic design, HST2.

What contribution to the world did Mother Theresa provide? That bitch fed those poor-ass kids like a fucking boss.
What happened to Jesus? That mothafucka got crucified like a bitch, yo.
Who was Harriet Tubman? …wait, no.

2. Re: Harriet Tubman

High School Teen 1: “Why that Tubman bitch got all them people followin’ her?”
High School Teen 2: “That bitch had a map, yo.”

And all is right within the world of history. Jesus Rollerblading Christ. You first had me hooked when you called Harriet Tubman “That Tubman Bitch,” which is the most eloquent title I can think of for a leader of the Underground Railroad. I thought that would be the end to the glory, but nary a worry, because that bitch HAD A MAP.

Little did I know that Harriet Tubman was a historical Dora the Explorer. That Tubman bitch had a Map in her singing hobo sack and solved problems like slavery with her little friend, Oppressy The Cat. I bet that Tubman bitch still had to fight against Swiper, who instead of stealing apples and shit, stole her own people from her to put them back into slavery in nightmarish conditions.

I can’t tell if that is really funny to think about, really racist, or just really, really sad.

3. Re: 4th Of July

5-Year-Old Ginger Kid: Raves the fuck out of some glowsticks, then straight up drops down and pops his booty
Dad: YEAH! Get it tight, son!

Nope. None of that should have ever happened. While I’m not going to deny the outstanding awesomeness of watching your ginger kid rave for his goddamn life on that Cookie Monster beach blanket, I’m very concerned with your style of parenting.

Let there be no surprises when your son keeps raving for attention from you, and when that no longer brings cries of “get it tight, son,” and “clap that shit,” he’ll start snorting Pixi Stix and dosing hard on Smarties. Then he’ll start a downward spiral into Fanta, which leads to harder things like Faygo. That’s where it turns dark–you know what Faygo causes, sir? Juggalos. Faygo=Juggalos4Lyfe.

I hope your raving ginger kid was worth the dark carnival of souls.

4. Re: Ranch Dressing

Lady in Wal-Mart: We can’t just be buying up ranch dressing. We ain’t the damn Kardashians, Ron.

Truer words, my good lady. As a very fancy lady myself, who often takes bubble baths and keeps cats and eats only sub-par dressing sauces on my salads and french fried potatoes, I can assure you that only the fanciest can be buying up ranch dressing. And when one thinks of the height of fancy class, grace, and overt elegance, one’s mind immediately brings up pictures of Reggie Bush giving it fancy dirty to Kim Kardashian, who does have the money to be buying up ranch dressing.

Ron was seriously out of line in expecting ranch for his side dishes. Bravo to your bravery in establishing the social order madame, bravo.

5. Re: My Goddamn Face

Child: Slams a giant ball right into my face during my rice and pasta selection time
Me: Stares in abject horror
Child’s Mother: Did you see that? Merlin just hit some bitch in the face with that ball. MERLIN. Don’t go hitting no bitches with that ball. Slaps the ball out of Merlin’s hand, bouncing it into the rice and knocking over a shitload of it
Merlin: Begins whipping rice about like a grain tornado

1) Your kid’s name is Merlin
2) That mini-assbomb nailed me right in the gob with a giant ball and you called me a bitch afterward
3) Your kid’s name is Merlin
4) You knocked over a metric fuck-ton of rice and walked away like it never was a thing
5) Your kid’s name is Merlin
6) You didn’t even flinch when MERLIN began mercilessly whipping Uncle Ben at everyone’s shocked riceholes because goddamnit, you needed to finish that text
7)YOUR CHILD IS NAMED MERLIN GODDAMNIT

I hate everyone for all of the reasons.

What are some spectacular visions of humanity that you’ve seen lately?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Dani: “It’s been almost 23 years since I was last growing a child and yet I still read her blog and thought, “Yep… yep… yep….” while laughing my ass off. The awkward pregnancy photos… priceless. There is one photo of me when I was around 5648395756 months pregnant with my second child. It’s taken from the hideously unflattering angle of my side view while I’m sitting down. God help us all, it looked as if my belly and my boobs were eating my head.”
Chooplah July 16, 2012 at 4:34 am

Overheard at the bus stop next to 7/11 through a weed induced fog today: “Fuck, man, alls you gots ta do is get yourself a fucking good suit to get you off and you can pop anybody.”
Amen, dear chap, amen.
Chooplah recently posted..If Job Rejection Letters Were Honest

Carrie July 16, 2012 at 7:29 am

I spent the last week in Washington DC and I saw some interesting shit. You take an ass ton of people from all over, throw them in DC in July (95 + degrees with about 150% humdity everyday) and you’re going to see the worst in people. I have to say though, the most annoying thing I witnessed was my own neice and my husband’s cousin (15 and 17) do nothing but play on there iphones all day. The only exception being when the tour guide would point out a monument or building and they would stop their endless scrolling and tapping to take a photo and immediatly post it to their respective Facebook pages.

Leauxra July 16, 2012 at 9:26 am

The specifics don’t really matter, do they?

I’ve had to brave the Wal-Mart three times in the last 8 days.

I need some time alone.

Misty July 16, 2012 at 9:28 am

Merlin? No no no, you forgot to do the Redneck to Real People translation, my dear girl. That boy’s name was Maryland. Better, no?
Misty recently posted..Singin’ in the Rai . . . .

Jenbug July 16, 2012 at 6:48 pm

Ha ha! That’s where I live. *wails, screams, cries, tantrums* Oh, the pain.
Jenbug recently posted..Six-Word Stories!

Mayor Gia July 16, 2012 at 10:00 am

Hahahah this is why I don’t leave my apartment anymore, thankyouverymuch.
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Bill G. July 16, 2012 at 6:25 pm

After reading this post, I feel a lot less guilty about last Saturday. My wife went to the library for the day, so my 5 year old daughter and I went fishing for a couple of hours. Then we came home and watched 6 hours of cartoons while eating popcorn, string cheese, and tortilla chips.

Jillian July 16, 2012 at 10:39 am

This is called The Schticky. It’s just a non-paper lint roller, which is not a terrible idea. Except it’s called The Schticky. There is a Big Schticky and a Little Schticky. And at one point, the commercial follows a cat around the room and asks, “Problems with your pussy? Just use The Schicky!” And again, it’s called The Schticky.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAQjF5RPgbg

Misty July 16, 2012 at 10:41 am

Ha! So funny. I JUST did a post about that very commercial . . .

http://mistyslaws.wordpress.com/2012/06/27/the-schticky/
Misty recently posted..Singin’ in the Rai . . . .

Bill G. July 16, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Holy shit, this is what happened to the slap-chop guy. It’s good to see him get back up on that horse after getting the royal shit kicked out him by a hooker. I hope he and the Secret Service have a learned a lesson: always pay your hooker. The publicity, internet pictures, and fighting your ass off to save your job just isn’t worth keeping that $47.

It’s a good thing he isn’t married or the wife would’ve taken that slap-chop to his balls.

Jenbug July 16, 2012 at 6:50 pm

“And your friend comes over and says, ‘What you doing? Oh, playing with your Schticky.'” That commercial is filled with all sorts of tacky sexual innuendo. My head flipped up so fast when that came on TV, I gave myself whiplash.
Jenbug recently posted..Six-Word Stories!

Myth July 16, 2012 at 10:51 pm

Had to show this to my best friend after I watched it. She had trouble believing it was a real commercial. After I convinced her it was, her immediate response was “Dude, I WANT one!”

I guess bizarre, inappropriate infomercials actually DO appeal to some. Talk about a niche market.

Rachel July 17, 2012 at 9:21 am

Do you think that guy intentionally called it the Schticky because he’s forced to say it that way since that hooker almost bit his tongue off?

Jillian July 17, 2012 at 2:59 pm

He can fully pronounce “pussy,” though. Maybe that was the appeal for the hooker in the first place…
Jillian recently posted..Giggle Me This

Dana the Biped July 16, 2012 at 12:53 pm

This is why I don’t feel at all guilty about holing up and watching 72 consecutive hours of Netflix. Because if people on Netflix act like that, I can blame in on poor scriptwriting and pretend those people don’t exist in real life.
Dana the Biped recently posted..NOT How I Prefer to Meet People

Andi Davies July 16, 2012 at 2:00 pm

I realize this falls under the “MY GOD, you’re a privileged twat, aren’t you,” heading but I can’t really wrap my brain around ranch dressing as the height of luxury.

Artisanal caesar, maybe. But not ranch.
Andi Davies recently posted..Sci Fi Sunday — Babylon 5

Jenbug July 16, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Ranch isn’t even a damn flavor! And neither is red velvet. Fuck all the stupids!
Jenbug recently posted..Six-Word Stories!

Jaime July 16, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Yes, yes and so many fucking helpings of yes….. I try so hard not to judge but sometimes people just make it too fucking easy.

-twatwaffles who wear high fucking heels to school… You realize you’re not in a fucking club, right?
-cuntcakes who smoke and just blow their fucking smoke anywhere… Thanks.. Cuz I really needed to smell your stank ass breath at 9 in the morning.

There are probably a bazillion other examples…. But my brain is too full of organic chemistry to think of them right now.
Jaime recently posted..Knowing I’m no Oprah – GUEST POST!

Bill G. July 16, 2012 at 6:49 pm

I was all judging on the fucktard who was driving like a retarded monkey on acid and passing everybody on the interstate during the morning commute in January when it snowed 10 inches overnight. A mile up the road this fucker is in the median, facing the wrong way, and spinning his wheels while sunk up to his axles in snow. Luckily this happened before he hit anybody. The cops and tow trucks were working a lot of slide-offs that morning. I hope you sat there until lunchtime, you fuck.

Banana Stickers July 16, 2012 at 2:45 pm

person on phone: “Can you tell me how long the wait is”
me: “Right now, only twenty minutes”
person: “So, how long is the wait going to be in ninety minutes”
me: “Well, we’re a walk in clinic, so it will be hard to predict the wait time in an hour and a half”
person:” UGH, I said ninety minutes, not an hour and a half”
the fuck?: “Um, right. I’m not sure what the wait time will be like in ninety minutes”
person: “But the wait time right now is twenty minutes”
me: “yes”
person: “so how is it you’re able to tell me the wait time right now”
me: “Um….because I’m looking at the schedule and basing the wait time on how many patients we currently have in the clinic.”
twatmonster: “Yet, you can’t tell me what the wait time will be later?”
me: “……. no.”
twatmonter: “why”
gettingreadytostabmyselfwithasyringe: “Because we’re a walk in clinic. And it’s flu season. We may or may not get a rush of people that will cause the wait time to be longer than twenty minutes”
TM: “I don’t want to have to wait in the waiting room”
me: “Okay, I understand…”
TMsquared: “Look, JUST TELL ME WHAT THE WAIT TIME WILL BE LATER”
me: “….. seven minutes. You will only have to wait seven minutes”
I don’t know if she came in or not.

Fucked up names are a dime a dozen. I remember one guy had the first name “Officer”.

Officer: “Yes, my name is Officer Mcfuckface (not his real last name. HIPPA laws and all), can you tell me if I have been a patient at your clinic before?”
Me: “Sure, what is your first name”
Officer: “…. I SAID, MY NAME IS OFFICER MCFUCKFACE”

Though, it turns out his first name wasn’t ACTUALLY Officer. He had forgotten what it was due to being an epic douche bag who really loves his line of work.
Banana Stickers recently posted..Cheaper Than A Shrink… a place where you can buy stuff. Cool stuff.

Bill G. July 16, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Officer: “Can you tell me if I’ve been a patient at your clinic before?”

Me: (shuffling papers in a folder) “Ah yes, you were in here a while back because your wife’s vibrator had to be removed from your ass. You said you were in your bedroom, slipped on a kid’s toy, and happened to land on the vibrator, which went right up your ass. Million-to-one shot your said…”

Kelly Fox August 9, 2012 at 10:12 am

Me: (shuffling papers in a folder) “Ah yes, you were in here a while back because your wife’s vibrator had to be removed from your ass. You said you were in your bedroom, slipped on a kid’s toy, and happened to land on the vibrator, which went right up your ass. Million-to-one shot your said…

”Laughed so hard at this!!! aaah priceless
Kelly Fox recently posted..The Foxy Guide to Extermination

Johi July 16, 2012 at 3:39 pm

I still can’t get over that damned Ron expecting his bitch to just buy up that Ranch dressing like that.
Johi recently posted..Tall Tales (Guest Post)

Rachel July 16, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Sometimes judging people is perfectly fine. I honestly think the people in the 5 examples you gave haven’t been judged enough, because if they had, they certainly wouldn’t be acting like such gigantic douchenozzles.

Jenbug July 16, 2012 at 7:00 pm

Noa, there’s nothing wrong with judging people. If you didn’t, how would you know how much better than them you are? It’s a confidence builder. You need confidence to be a stand-up comic. You could probably write judging people off on your taxes as a job requirement, like dry-cleaning for corporate execs or KY for porn actors.
Jenbug recently posted..Six-Word Stories!

Christine July 16, 2012 at 7:36 pm

While I was waiting for the bus, some asshole on a Harley swerved into the right turn-only lane and gunned it, only to cut back into traffic a whole THREE CAR LENGTHS AHEAD. As a friend of mine always says, “Yes, yes, we know you have a large penis.” *when he gets incredulous stares* “Well, that’s what that sound is supposed to make me think, right?”

sars! July 16, 2012 at 9:01 pm

As my job knowing the answer to everything, just not necessarily in the order it is asked, hasn’t made the millions I’d planned… I answered the phone and…

Me: How can I help you sir?
Okie dumbass in severe drawl (really, from Oklahoma, we have caller ID): um, yeah, y’all have a lifetime warranty right?
Me: yes, we do, against manufacturer’s defects.
OD: um, right. Well, I was out froggin and my sunglasses fell in the crick and I dun lost ‘em.
Me: just waiting because I know what’s coming……
OD: Is that covered by y’alls warranty?
Me: Does that seem like a defect in the glasses to you sir? Did something in the manufacturing process cause them to vanish?
OD: well, naw, I was just readin your paper an it said lifetime warranty so I thought if I lost em it was in my lifetime.
Me: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name.
OD: Thurman
Me (of course it is!): well, Thurman, lifetime doesn’t mean you get a new pair for the rest of you life. Sorry buddy.

((((S-l-o-w c-l-a-p))))
sars! recently posted..not quite a .38 special

Jackie G July 17, 2012 at 8:33 pm

The first two examples sound like they belong on History Lessons with Jesse Pinkman.

“Yo, Mr. White, this meth chemistry is like magic and shit. Other cooks be lookin’ like a BITCH!”

I feel deep in my soul that I guarantee he would refer to Harriet as “that Tubman bitch” too.

Cowgirl Red July 17, 2012 at 9:10 pm

My spouse, T.H. (Trophy Husband) to me: “It doesn’t make me very happy when you’re not nice to my mother”. Terah
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Morgan S. July 17, 2012 at 10:49 pm

I too was in DC recently, and as I walked past your typically chunky American tourist standing in front of the Washington Monument, she pointed to it and said, “Is that the White House?” I judged.

Jackie G July 18, 2012 at 5:44 pm

“No honey, that’s America’s boner.”

Kelly Fox August 9, 2012 at 10:19 am

America.. Where we have the right to be free… as well as stupid, ignorant fucktards! Yay us!!
I always enjoy the fuckwits who drag their progeny into the store then promptly forget that they have spawned them, leaving the rest of us to enjoy Fuckwit Jr.’s antics. Evidently when Mama goes to Walmart lookin for sexy lingerie and snow tires she doesn’t need Fuckwit Jr. slowin her down, so she turns him loose unto the store. Why? Because she is a Twatweasle.
Kelly Fox recently posted..The Foxy Guide to Extermination

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