Me Look Pretty One Day

07/11/2012 · 46 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, Psychological Warfare

Thanks, Alicia, for taking the pictures and also being witness to the slow destruction of my mind.



Ever failed at something on Pinterest (or EHow, or any of the other bullshit sites)? Tell me about it!

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Dana The Biped: “Being a karaoke jockey only sort of put me in the service industry–but it did make people feel entitled to put their arm around my back/under my arm for a little armpit/cleavage squeeze. Guess who just got moved to the bottom of the queue? You, tit-grabber.” 
Tazer Warrior Princess July 11, 2012 at 3:25 am

Sock buns are pretty much the hardest thing ever.

SUUUUUUURE it looks all easy and shit, when you watch the video. Mmm hmmm. That’s how those tricky bastards suck you in… they want you to think you’re going to look freaking fabulous with a few flips of your (ha, right) dextrous fingers.

Oh, how they are wrong. I got the sock bun to work once. I think it was held in with a handful of unicorn farts, tears of several children, and the last shred of my sanity.

I give up.
Tazer Warrior Princess recently posted..Now why the fuck would I wear underwear, anyway?

Mayor Gia July 11, 2012 at 6:31 am

A sock bun? What kind of fuckery is that.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Boyfriend and his Pipe

Jaime July 11, 2012 at 2:16 pm

I’m with Gia on this… Don’t sucks belong on feet? Why would I want stinky feet smell in my hair? I’m so confused. I pretty much fail at anything “girly” ..I think I was meant to be a butch lesbian or something.
Jaime recently burns, it burns!

Jaime July 11, 2012 at 2:18 pm

SOCKS not sucks…. See I even fail at replying!
Jaime recently burns, it burns!

Erin T. July 11, 2012 at 9:20 am

Every “beauty tip” I’ve ever seen or read about and tried ended up with tears and vodka, too. Who the hell comes up with these ideas?! They’re illogical, most of them are painful, and they’re god damned stupid.
Erin T. recently posted..Follow Up to the Young’uns

Jen July 11, 2012 at 9:32 am

Why do I picture Alicia just off-camera, strapped to a wheelchair and sobbing while you reenact “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane”?

“Noa, you’d never treat me this way if I weren’t in this chair!”
“But ‘cha are, Alicia! “Char in that chair!”
Jen recently posted..50 Shades of Jen (minus the porn)

Rachel July 11, 2012 at 9:43 am

I’ve never failed at anything I’ve seen on Pinterest for 2 reasons: 1. I’ve pinned so many things I want to do, it’s become too overwhelming to even think of attempting anything, so I haven’t. 2. Every single time I go on Pinterest with the intent of picking a project I’ve pinned to finally complete, I get sucked in and end up pinning more random bullshit that I’ll never make. Pinterest fucking ruined my crafting/beauty/DIY/cooking life, but much like a crack pipe, I just can’t let it go.

L-Diggitty July 11, 2012 at 9:44 am

Oh man… I haven’t tried too many of the beauty-type Pinterest tutorials, but I WAS extremely disappointed when Pinterest told me I could make glow-in-the-dark bubbles with a broken glow stick. Does. Not. Work.

Jillian July 11, 2012 at 10:00 am

Is there a Pinterest tutorial for How to Drink Jose? Not that you or I need any help, but I’m sure some of its users need the instruction list.
Jillian recently posted..Does This Couch Make My Rear End Look Lazy?

Chris July 11, 2012 at 10:21 am

You’re so pretty.

Bill G. July 14, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Yep, I was thinking the same thing. I didn’t want to come across weird or creepy or something, so I held off saying anything.

Lana July 11, 2012 at 10:22 am

Love This! Ummm.. Everything I try from pinterest is awesome. Not sure whats wrong with you! Have you ever checked out

Lianne Marie Binks July 11, 2012 at 10:29 am

I just shat myself laughing. You bastard!
Lianne Marie Binks recently posted..Orange & kiwi glazed duck

Chooplah July 11, 2012 at 10:53 am

This shit’s hilarious. Although that sock bun looks like a fifi. I know what a fifi is because I dated a guy fresh out o’prison and he showed me how to make one on our second date after he shit himself in my car on our first date. That is a terrifyingly real insight into my young adulthood.
Chooplah recently posted..7 Summer Cocktail Ideas You Can’t Miss

Bill G. July 14, 2012 at 8:30 pm

Wow, I’m scared to ask about the 3rd date…

Chooplah July 14, 2012 at 8:38 pm

You should be, Bill. Remembering this prompted me to write about the car poop story, if you want to check it out:
Chooplah recently posted..First Dates for Dummies

NATurally Inappropriate July 11, 2012 at 11:07 am

This is how I feel every single time I look at shit on pinterest. Honestly, no fucking human can ever actually do any of that shit. The sock bun– holy fuck my medusa hair just laughs at it and fucking absorbs all the shit I try to use to pin it down. And the polka dot nails? Oh, hell to the no. I still have nailpolish under my armpits from that shit.
NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..Fifty Shades of Holy Crap This Book is Dirty as Hell

Bill G. July 14, 2012 at 8:38 pm

My wife’s sister is one of those people that can do this kind of shit and make it look easy. One day when I was at work, she helped my wife clean up, throw away some things, and rearrange the stuff stored in my basement. Holy crap, the stuff took up about 1/10th its original volume and it’s easy to find shit. My wife’s sister did 90% of the work and it took about 3 hours. I could’ve put 30 hours into that project and it probably would’ve been worse than when I started. Incredible. I still think she’s an advanced alien sent here to study us.

Abby July 11, 2012 at 11:52 am

This is why I would rather stick pins in my eyes than go on to Pinterest.
Abby recently posted..Cart Corral Corruptors

Mad Shady Girl July 11, 2012 at 12:16 pm

This is why I work from home. Because “making myself pretty” is just too much damn work!…And also, because I failed at life. And there’s a ready assortment of alcohol here to help dull the pain.
Mad Shady Girl recently posted..CONVERSATIONS WITH MY FLABBY GUT

Misty July 11, 2012 at 12:40 pm

You forgot to give us the tutorial on how to take perfectly good jeans and cut them up so expertly you turn them into hobo pants, while still somehow keeping all of your girly bits covered and holding on to your body by a thread and a prayer. I’m guessing that tutorial will also involve alcohol.
Misty recently posted..Convos with the Kiddos: Part Five

Dana the Biped July 11, 2012 at 1:22 pm

I love the way your dog is in those last photos, and in about half of those, she looks like she’s hiding her face in shame.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd July 11, 2012 at 1:27 pm

This is wonderful. I’ve never heard of a sock bun before. I bet people buy unused clean socks just to make them. Sickening.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Five Minute Movies 4: A New Five Minute Movies

Andi Davies July 11, 2012 at 1:48 pm

OH MY GOD, thank you! I can now feel vindicated every time I watch a tutorial on Youtube and think, “That would so not work for me, as I am not a double-jointed multi-talented twat.” I once tried to make the Starboard Skirt tutorial from Pinterest, only to discover that it is not drafted for someone who is pear shaped. Fuck you gently with a chainsaw, Pinterest.
Andi Davies recently posted..Skivvies!

Dani July 11, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Fuck Pinterest.

If I had a dollar for every “cute or clever idea” that one of my “friends” (I’m wayyyyy over doing the air quotes but whatever) posted on Facebook I could bust out of this hellhole I’m living in and PAY people do give me smokey eyes, a sock bun, and polka dotted nails while I chug Patron and embarrass the hell out of my dogs.

WORD, Motherfuckers.
Dani recently posted..Who’s the beyotch NOW??

Jessica July 11, 2012 at 2:52 pm

This is pretty much how all of my Pinterest projects (to date) have turned out. THANK YOU!!!!!!
Jessica recently posted..And Then We Started My Fit Foods…

Amy July 11, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Ooh I know the trick to smoky eye — you do heroin for like… mmm… like a month. PERFECT SMOKY EYE.
Amy recently posted..How I Scared the Beejezus Out of Myself

ColinP July 11, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Hahahahahaha, that was great. The only thing I feel it was missing are mad lib-esque fill in the blanks. Oh and toads, you want to lick toads not cats.
ColinP recently posted..Nope, that just won’t do

Norway July 11, 2012 at 3:53 pm

This epic post was somehow made all the better by the dramatic orchestra music I was listening to at the time.

Kristi July 11, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Peed my pants from laughing. Sending you my dry cleaning bill, bitch.
Kristi recently posted..I should be dancing….

Ren July 11, 2012 at 7:25 pm

*cracks up* OMG…

I’m sorry, I love Pinterest (and I’m doubly sorry because I know my linkidink down there is going to point to a Pinterest post on my blog), but this killed me. Classic pictures!
Ren recently posted..Oh How Pinteresting, July 11, 2012

bschooled July 11, 2012 at 7:29 pm

Why can’t I stop laughing at this?


Valerie July 11, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa…. Jump back.

What the hell do you do with a sock in your hair? Also, can you sub the sock for a scrunchie?


Valerie recently posted..World Domination Made Easy

Jess July 11, 2012 at 11:22 pm

So I love your blog, and I always expect to laugh when I read it. But this is the BEST SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN. Thank you!
Jess recently posted..Dreams

Zenny Pia July 12, 2012 at 12:52 am

Are you honestly undergone on this situation? Your feature is freaking bad. But I love looking on your photos.
Zenny Pia recently posted..Sex and Aging: Bump up your Libido Naturally

Dani July 12, 2012 at 5:57 pm



Somehow, when I read this comment, all I could hear was the sound of the ocean…
Dani recently posted..Who’s the beyotch NOW??

Handflapper July 12, 2012 at 12:55 am

Actually, I think you got that smoky eye just about right. That’s how my niece does hers, anyway, and I am not even kidding about that shit.
Handflapper recently posted..Warning: If you are my children, or my husband’s sister, or really anyone I know in real life, you do not want to read this post. Except for my mother-in-law, because she’s kind of a perv.

Tina July 12, 2012 at 1:37 am

Sock bun – epic fail on my attempt
Smoky eyes – I look like that every morning, from yesterday’s mascara
Polka-dot nails – I mess up clear coat

Conclusion, pinterest is a time vampire.

Mandi July 12, 2012 at 1:48 pm

I’m sorry for laughing at your misery so hard that I gave myself another Noa Gavin Liquid Lobotomy. If it’s any consolation, at least you found a way to bond with the devil cat…
Mandi recently posted..MWF seeks honest, stable, good writer for LTR. Call you, maybe?

Alyssa Queen July 12, 2012 at 1:51 pm

LOL. I definitely think you have a solid future in being a stylist.
Alyssa Queen recently posted..Patriotic Wariness

Todd July 12, 2012 at 9:42 pm

To be honest, as a guy, I have no idea what a sock bun or smokey eyes are supposed to look like. I mean, you got a sock shoved in your hair and you look like you got smoke in your eyes, so… job well done I guess? Really the only part where you fail is by drinking Jose and NOT Jose Silver… everyone knows white tequila takes all the sting out of failure.
Todd recently posted..Naked in the Front Yard

Jake July 13, 2012 at 12:57 am

Hmmm…my Pinterest is pretty much just Doctor Who shit and swear words. Maybe I’m doing it wrong.

Also, a million points for the David Sedaris reference.
Jake recently posted..I’m not sure you’ve grasped the concept.

Delfin Joaquin Paris III July 14, 2012 at 11:01 am

I loved all of this and I can’t wait to give you the honor of a photo with me at BlogHer. Dress nice, for chrissakes.
Delfin Joaquin Paris III recently posted..My Heroes

Oisha Hicks July 18, 2012 at 5:56 am

Even if you look horrified you are still beautiful on me. Those freaking features don’t affect your beauty. Just love your style.
Oisha Hicks recently posted..Male Sexuality: Herbs to Enhance the Male Sexuality

Mandee October 3, 2012 at 2:11 pm

I use the soc bun ALL THE TIME! And I dont have any issues….But I agree with the rest. fuck. That.

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