Lessons In Being An A-Hole: Sorry, World

07/30/2012 · 39 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person, My Family Is Strikingly Odd., What Is Wrong With You?

Ever have one of those conversations where you begin to speak about an experience excitedly, knowing that the other person (or in my case, 17 other people in the room) will know exactly what it’s like to have that experience, and then you can all laugh about it?

Remember when that experience is hilariously telling that story about how you’ve been kicked out of so many places, especially clothing stores, with your sister and how funny it is because it happens to everyone?

Remember how all 17 other people in the room started at you in horror, never having behaved poorly enough to be kicked out of anywhere, ever?

To the entire world for this track record of dipshittery you’re about to officially know, I’m so sorry. It’s no wonder that most of the places I’ve been don’t want me back.

Dear World,

I’m sorry, 3-5 separate Dillards, for ‘creating a disrespectful spectacle’ in the prom dress section. Your love affair with poorly-hemmed ruffled rayon and iridescent jingle sequins is unparalleled–I will never not laugh when my sister and I put a size 0 on each of our legs and dance the merengue in a dressing room.

I’m sorry, TJ Maxx, for trying on the crushed velvet bodysuit your fine establishment was proffering. I’m sorry my sister took 14 pictures of me in it while being unable to breathe through the laughter. I’m less sorry that your dressing room staff got an eyeful of the most unfortunate camel toe of their lives.

I’m sorry, Anthony’s Clothing for my mother getting riled up about a snippy checkout clerk, and in retaliation, leading us on a merry Wizard-Of-Oz-Skipline right out the door while she shouted, “WELL AREN’T WE ALL HAPPY AND FUCKING CHIPPER TODAY.”

I’m sorry, horse-drawn carriage in Kentucky, for leading all 13 other people in the cart with me in a sing-along of “Tunes of Fern Gully.” I’m sorry I care about the environment enough to rock the nostalgic shit out of Hot Stepper and therefore brought happiness through melody to your utterly joyless city on the way to The Spaghetti Warehouse, which you assured us was a fine establishment and were clearly wildly mistaken about.

I’m sorry, Hot Topic, for being ‘shifty’ because I was wearing a cheerleading uniform because I was a high school cheerleader. I just wanted some spiked collars and black rubber bracelets because I was hard as fuck and had so many dark feelings that no one could understand. You judged me by my perky red-white-and-blue exterior, and for that, I am terribly sorry. However, you still sell JNCOs, so, you know, glass houses and shit.

I’m sorry, US Naval Base Hotel, for downing 2 Irish Car Bombs and then instigating a roller-skate race down some stucco-lined stairs using a small snake as a relay baton. I’m sorry that 2 men in sailor suits found us bloody in a bush the next morning, and had to assist in my climb back up the stairs. I’m not sorry that I partied too awesomely for the US Navy.

I’m sorry, McDonalds in Denver, for frisbee-ing a burger patty at a friend “to see if it would stick to your face.” It did, but you wouldn’t know that because you were too busy leaping the register to yell at me, using a tray as a shield against errant pickles.

I’m sorry, many Dairy Queens. I’m more sorry that I don’t remember even one of these episodes well enough to clarify, but I remember being tossed out of at least 2, and I’m sorry that it happened. I think?

I’m sorry, night manager in Golden Corral, for my stepdad calling you a “ginger midget asshole,” and then threatening to, “take it outside,” if you didn’t allow my sister to purchase a chicken finger basket in lieu of a buffet meal. I’m sorry I encouraged him, wanting desperately to be able to say, “My stepdad once kicked the shit out of a Golden Corral Manager,” because at 12, that was the height of cool. I had no idea how completely white trash that sounded until I was well into college.

I’m sorry, Pepsi Center in Denver, for running in a hallway. I’m sorry you’re all working in a giant cauldron full of dicks, because that’s the only reason you would kick me out for running in a hallway.

I’m sorry, Warped Tour, for whipping that turkey leg back at the person who whipped it at me in the first place. I’m sorry that I yelled to your security guards, “That whore can’t just go around whipping turkey legs at people because this is America, and Bald Eagles don’t whip people with their brethren.” I’m sorry I called you a Ben Franklin Apologist. I’m sorry I ducked into the saddest mosh pit ever while Simple Plan was up when you threatened to throw us out. In all fairness, I got my dues for having to mosh to Simple goddamn Plan.

I’m sorry, Taco Bell I Immediately Visited After Warped Tour, for shouting and smelling, admittedly, like the weed and beer I could not have because I was 17. I realize I looked incredibly high, but I was just deafened and rendered smelly by the tour itself. I just wanted a burrito, and a burrito I was denied.

I’m most sorry, Christopher and Banks, for going with a friend who didn’t want to have to stay long and directed me to, “give her an out.” I’m sorry the first thing that came to my head was to loudly ask, “can nuns still get away with the whole chastity pledge if they just have anal sex? I had some really religious friends who thought they could get around it that way. I bet there were at least a couple nuns who were taking it up the b-hole.” I’m sorry I contributed to the ‘degradation of the brand and of the very ideas of morals themselves.’ I’m sorry I’m never allowed in any Christopher and Banks ever again, because I have a dearth of pencil-buttoned sweaters in my world.

I promise to try to be less of an asshole in the future, unless it steps on a piece of comedy gold. Or if it might be kinda funny I think. Or if my sister is there. Coldwater Creek and Chico’s, you’re next on my list.

Love From,

Noa D. Gavin

Ever been kicked out of somewhere? TELL ME!

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Mandi E.: “I think my favorite TFD comic ever was the one about how everyone drives badly and should die in a fire because of it except for me. Or that’s what I took away from it, anyway.” 
Laura July 30, 2012 at 5:02 am

I’m still angry at the vet hospital that wouldn’t let me hang around in their waiting room while my cat had surgery 15 years ago. I didn’t have a cell phone at the time, so I went home. Then they called me to say that things hadn’t gone well, and my cat was suffering, and they wanted my permission to euthanize him. I wasn’t going to agree to that without seeing him for myself, so he wound up suffering for the extra half hour it took me to drive back there.

Sorry. This isn’t nearly as funny as your stories.
Laura recently posted..Fifty Shades of Gregor Samsa

Grace July 30, 2012 at 5:30 am

I’m not sorry for any of that shit! No Dairy Queen should ever be allowed to treat me that way. Johnny deserved the tongue lashing, the change thrown in his window to “catch, fucker” and the blizzard I politely returned to his face. I am sorry for yelling at his son “I hope you don’t turn out like your ass-licking father!” he didn’t deserve that. I’m not sorry about TJ Maxx, Dillard’s, Sears, a Home Depot, that Golden Corrall, and the Whataburger the night of my bachelor-ette party. I am REALLY sorry that I’m currently not able to find that photo from the TJ Maxx incident. I’ll keep looking…

In the mean time, I’ve been waaaay too good lately, let’s go shopping. We can try our hand at getting he boot from baby stores!

asplenia July 30, 2012 at 8:15 am

I often SAY things like “lol, just sprayed my screen!” But it hadn’t ever actually HAPPENED until now. I almost choked to death on “I’m sorry, US Naval Base Hotel, for downing 2 Irish Car Bombs and then instigating a roller-skate race down some stucco-lined stairs using a small snake as a relay baton.” It was the snake part. I literally almost died. My coworkers are probably calling an ambulance now to deal with the weird gurgling noises coming from my corner. OMG you are a freaking riot. I want to go clothes shopping with you.

asplenia July 30, 2012 at 8:19 am

Just an aside: I’m still reading. If I’d been stupid enough to have kept eating while reading your post, I’d be choking again, but I put all my food & drink down to laugh without dying at: “because this is AMERICA and bald eagles don’t whip people with their brethren.” HAHAHA! Fucking brilliant.

Chooplah July 30, 2012 at 8:24 am

I’m sorry, Avalance Hockey Team, for sneaking into the VIP section and drinking your premium liquor while screaming “take your shirt off” to the ice queens. I didn’t know a wet towel really could snap like that and no, I’m not a lesbian.
Chooplah recently posted..10 Things To Know About Huge Boobs

Bill G. August 1, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Sneaking into the VIP section, well done! Did you get thrown out or did you successfully drink and leave of your own accord?

Jen July 30, 2012 at 8:37 am

I’m not sorry, Chuck E. Cheese, for keepin’ it real on the drunken inbred with the Rascal Flatts T-shirt and multiple neck tats who questioned my parenting. Apparently the place where “a kid can be a kid” is also the place where a white, suburban professional can be a motherfucking Avenger.

PS: Banning someone from Chuck E. Cheese is not a punishment, you ignorant twatbadgers. It’s a fucking honor.
Jen recently posted..Foodie Friday: London Calling

Misty July 30, 2012 at 8:42 am

I have never been kicked out of any store for shenanigans such as these. But why do I now have an unshakable need to go get four prom dresses – sized 0, a rubber snake, 2 sets of rollerskates, a cheer leading outfit (for me) and a velvet body suit (for Jen), and bring them to New York so that Jen and I can cause all sorts of ruckus up in that joint? I feel like my life will not be complete until that happens. Ever get booted from BlogHer? This might be our chance!!
Misty recently posted..Return of the Mack

Jen July 30, 2012 at 8:59 am

Oh, SNAP! Game on.
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Jes July 30, 2012 at 8:52 am

My mother and I got thrown out of a formal dress store when I was in high school because we were shopping for my prom dress and instead we decided to try on the ugliest prom dresses and wedding dresses we could find. We thought it was hysterical and laughed really loud. The owner thought we were “being disrespectful toward her dresses”. Whatever… I think it was an afternoon well spent.

Angie Pelekidis July 30, 2012 at 9:38 am

I’ve never been kicked out of anywhere, but I believe I was instrumental in having someone else kicked out of a pub in Oxford, England. This guy came in with some sort of pneumonia situation going on, a walking-drowning victim with lungs filled with fluid. So he wheezes his way over to the bar where I’m standing with some acquaintances and promptly sneezes on it so that buckets, I mean fucking buckets, of fluid stream from his nose onto the once shiny-clean surface. It was like that Monty Python scene from The Meaning of Life of Monsieur Cresote vomiting at the French Restaurant. I have never seen anything like it before and hope I never do again. Everyone just froze in horror. “For god’s sake, man! Go the fuck home” slipped out of my mouth (I’m from Brooklyn). Fortunately, it was echoed by other patrons and the guy left. Does that count?
Angie Pelekidis recently posted..Old Ladies Don’t Make Good Parents

Ally July 30, 2012 at 9:54 am

I got ‘asked to leave’ a.k.a kicked out of the bar that I work at because I was so drunk that I thought putting nerds into my wine and singing Meatloaf to complete strangers was a good idea.
Ally recently posted..Super Important Business Trip

Maria July 30, 2012 at 10:24 am

I desperately wish I was friends with you and Grace and could party with y’all. I don’t even need the booze to do that shit, I’ll do it stone cold sober!

Mayor Gia July 30, 2012 at 11:30 am

Hahhaha I can’t say I’ve done any of those things. Damn, I’m so lame.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Ted: A Theater Experience

Jaime July 30, 2012 at 11:42 am

I’ve never been kicked out of places…. But I definitely should have.

Like for the time my sister and I went to Starbucks when they were promoting some spelling movie and therefore had a shit-ton of cardboard things with random words and definitions on them…. And proceeded to steal ALL of them and run out of there laughing like hyena’s on crack.

Or the time we didn’t want to pay to get drunk so we brought approximately 50 jello shots into the bar hidden (not so well) in my brother-in-laws pockets….. And then stupidly left the container remnants on the floor beneath our booth. I’m shocked to this day that the evidence of those containers didn’t get us booyted…. Then again…. Who knew we could lie so convincingly whilst drunk off jello shots.
Jaime recently posted..a small reprive

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd July 30, 2012 at 12:14 pm

I’m much more likely to instigate someone else into getting kicked out than to have it happen to myself. I like to stir the pot but don’t want to be burned by the contents. I’m not saying I’m proud of this.
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Jana July 30, 2012 at 12:16 pm

I am so not sorry Mercardo Theater in San Jose, when you let the crazy Asian lady get way to close and personal to my back door, when your pelvis touches my ass….you are too close. I thought it was totally appropriate of me to yell at the top of my lungs, “Listen Miso Soup, either back up or I will totally go Jackie Chan on your ass.”

I am sorry that my husband had to deal with the gang banger fall out, it was the last time I was allowed to drink and go to that movie theater.
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Bill G. August 1, 2012 at 10:03 pm

I think a lot of Asians come from crowded places in the world where the concept of personal space really doesn’t exist (at least out in public). I’ve been to a few Asian countries where people have sidled up way too close to me.

One time in a San Diego takeout Chinese restaurant, some oriental dude behind me kept touching my ass while talking animatedly with his girlfriend. I gave him the half-turn with a growl and this fuck wasn’t taking the hint. He was damn near dry-humping me in the takeout line. He and his chick were the end of the line and there was open space for 10 feet behind him.

I finally told him, “Hey, buddy, you’re damn near fucking me. You need to take 2 steps back or we’re going to have problems.” I wound up telling the manager to go pound sushi up his ass, then walked out while flipping the bird (both fingers, over-the-shoulder style) after the manager threatened to throw me out and didn’t say shit to the samurai butt-shark that started it.

Jackie G July 30, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Sorry I’m not sorry, bitchass casino in Deadwood, for yelling “FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” when a dealer told me I sucked at blackjack on my 21st birthday. You suck at being human, dickface. Kevin Costner is ashamed of you. Also, why is it frowned upon to cuss in casinos? Don’t give me free birthday shots, then. ROOKIE MISTAKE, DEADWOOD.

As a plus, I gave a shining first impression to all of husbands coworkers. I am a lady.

Pingu July 30, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Picture the scene.

It’s Halloween, the university bar is packed full of extremely drunk students in terrible costumes. A boy and a girl meet. They’re both dressed in jeans and T-shirts, apparently ‘too cool’ for costumes. The night wears on and slowly but surely, a pyramid of shot glasses is built on the table between the boy and girl. Somewhere between shots 22 and 23, they decide that the best idea in the world is to dress as the Sims.

Headbands are found, cardboard is coloured blue and cut into diamond shapes (though the scissors were wielded by the very drunk, so they were more blob shaped) and somehow attached using creative elastic band theory. The boy and girl go for more drinks, but are reminded the Sims don’t speak.

Now question how long it takes for them to be forcibly removed from the bar, after spending their time making ‘OOP OOP’ noises and walking into the bar staff, then bending over in hysterical laughter. And that’s the story of how my friend Chris and I got banned from our own University Halloween party.

We attempted to go back next year under cover of costume disguise (we went as a table, with the cunning assumption people would put drinks on us and we could steal them for free), but were found out when we tried to replace the bar counter.
Pingu recently posted..Supercalifragilisticexpelliarmus

Bill G. July 30, 2012 at 8:29 pm

Oh my god, I am breaking my ass laughing here!! I’d love to share some of my stories but none of them are shit compared these.

themandilee July 30, 2012 at 8:32 pm

My entire family- Parents, GRANDparents and assorted extendeds) had a small Denny’s issue. They, stupidly, sat us in two booths- at opposite ends of the room. Their poor judgement also included an arsenal of jelly packs, sugar packets and creamer cups. They then proceeded to ask us to be quiet. Someone then WHISPERED across the room “Pass me a creamer!” The next few moments were a blur… I am pretty sure my kinfolk exited victorious. This also clearly marked the moment that I knew there was probably no hope for me and I should just embrace my spectacular genes.

JNCOs are still made?!

Lauren@FilingJointly July 30, 2012 at 8:51 pm

Never kicked out of somewhere…that I remember…but I did get sent home from the hardware store I worked at twice in high school. Once for saying “I need a price check on Dixon Nuts at register two” over the intercom. And then again when, after my manager asked me to make a Sale sign for Garden Hose, I made a huge sign that said “Cheap Hose, Inquire Inside” and stuck it in the front window.

I was a fucking badass in high school. Once I got a B even.
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Valerie July 30, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Oh good! A chance to clear the air…

Dear Sex Toy Store, I understand that giggling about the edible panties and Twilight porn may seem a bit juvenile. I also understand that opening 2 dildos and reenacting the light saber fight between Luke and Darth Vader complete with awesome sound effects and a chilling “NOOOOOOOOO!” When I found out that Vader was my father was a bit over the top. (Yes! I know where they go and that you can’t possibly sell them now.) But let’s be honest, your store smells of urine and the floors were sticky. I think that you have greater things to worry about than me humping the blow-up dolls. Anyway, I’m sorry I’m not sorry. Love, Me



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Bill G. August 1, 2012 at 12:18 am

I really wonder about the people who own dildo shops, dollar stores, and novelty who act like their shit is gold-plated and that, if you’re being flippant, you’re somehow insulting their art form. I guess they have to somehow rationalize to themselves that they’re doing something important for their community when they’re making a living doing something that most people laugh at.

I think the same thing of bartenders and cocktail waitresses who play the “Oh my virgin ears” routine when they hear a few blue words. If you work in a bar and you can’t stand to overhear “fuck” or “cuntwhistle” in conversation that is not directed at you, you’re in the wrong fucking profession.

Janene July 31, 2012 at 9:58 am

Dear Tim Horton’s,
I’m not sorry for the time when a group of my friends got together and made so many inappropriate comments that one friend fell out of the crappy-ass table and drooled on the floor in uncontrollable laughter. In his defense, the other drunk friend started it, and, really, your floors should be cleaner. I’m also not sorry for the dirty looks that the old biddies gave us when we started making lewd comments about the Kermit the Frog puppet display you had. You should’ve known that placing the red fishing pole between his legs would be fair game. But kudos to you and your staff ‘cos they didn’t kick us out, even though we totally deserved it. I think they had as much fun as we did seeing how fast we could clear out that store.

Todd July 31, 2012 at 10:18 am

I’ve been kicked out of a number of places… but the one which baffled me most was a Salvation Army Thrift Store. Seriously? Aren’t they like… Jesus Cadets or something like that? Where’s the WWJD sense of turning the other cheek, fuckers? I mean, yeah, maybe the f-bomb was used a few too many times during a tirade about how your sign outside CLAIMED it was 50% off all clothing, when in fact all the nice ones were somehow excluded.

Or… maybe it’s the fact that I threw the clothes on the floor and began doing a Mexican goddamn hat dance on the clothes to “maybe fuck them up enough to make them worthy of the 50% discount you claim is off ALL clothes, when it’s really only off the shitty ones.”
Todd recently posted..Into the Babel Fray

Ashley Austrew July 31, 2012 at 10:45 am

“I’m sorry, Hot Topic, for being ‘shifty’ because I was wearing a cheerleading uniform because I was a high school cheerleader. I just wanted some spiked collars and black rubber bracelets because I was hard as fuck and had so many dark feelings that no one could understand. You judged me by my perky red-white-and-blue exterior, and for that, I am terribly sorry. However, you still sell JNCOs, so, you know, glass houses and shit.”

This is the best thing that has ever been written. Ever. And seriously, if you’ve never been kicked out of a Dillards for making those prom dresses even more hilarious than they already are, you haven’t lived.
Ashley Austrew recently posted..How to Grocery Shop With an Infant: A Step-By-Step Guide

Jillian July 31, 2012 at 2:01 pm

I’m banking on the idea that brownie points are real and blood sugar levels are negotiable in the afterlife. It’s a somewhat boring life right now, but damn, I’m gonna be SET when I die!
Jillian recently posted..Bite Me

Johi July 31, 2012 at 5:16 pm

HAHAHAHAHa. I’m sorry that I do shit like jump on the back of a bastard in a bar, whilst wearing a Senorita costume complete with giant black wig and castanets and get said bastard kicked out of the bar. I’m sorry that when the bouncer tried to kick my bestie and I out of the same bar for sancing too wildly that we laughed at him and kept dancing. I’m sorry that I dated that douche canoe that used to squeeze my leg when he thought that I was being to loud and obnoxious because it would just make me turn up the volume, and I am sorry that he thought that giving me an ugly ass man ring with an elk ivory (ie. TOOTH) in it was a good idea. I’m not sorry that I get free stuff almost where ever I go. It’s a gift, sort of like my implied good behavior.
Johi recently posted..Chocolate? Cookie? Yes, please.

Johi July 31, 2012 at 5:17 pm

*dancing*, although sancing sounds like fun too. Like sassy prancing?
Johi recently posted..Chocolate? Cookie? Yes, please.

Jen July 31, 2012 at 9:53 pm

I’ve never been kicked out of anywhere(b/c I’m a total goody goody) but my stepfather is never allowed to return to our local Radio Shack. He went in there to buy a radio and when he was told they don’t sell radios he got a wee bit pissed off. The cops were called but no charges were filed b/c he promised never to come back to the store. The closest I’ve come to being a badass is when I screamed “Jesus Fucking Christ!” at a Catholic hospital in Germany. Of course, they weren’t allowed to throw me out b/c I was in labor at the time :o)

Quinn August 1, 2012 at 1:28 am

I’m sorry Dennys… about bringing two belligerently drunk boys into the establishment at four am, and chasing out the out of towners with stunning displays of foul language as well as a horrible reenactment of mealtime at a nursing home, trying to stop a food fight while in mini skirts and stilettos.

I’m also sorry to three separate bars in Littleton for not knowing the dangers of clear liquids during a drag show. It’s not my fault the male stripper kept getting in the way of the microphone during karaoke. I tried to be polite.
Quinn recently posted..Murphy, you’re an asshole.

Cowgirl Red August 1, 2012 at 9:45 am

I’m sorry Alcoholics Anonymous, Pratt, Kansas, but that guy was being a giant sober ass-hat. I will mail you your key back.
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Laura August 2, 2012 at 11:33 am

I’m not sorry for being kicked out of a Payless Shoe Source the Saturday before Easter because my mother and I don’t believe that the sun rises and sets out of some random toddler’s anus. If your kid doesn’t have the cure to cancer tattooed on their ass then I don’t have to put up with intermittent snot-nosed screaming and the whole “Toddlers and Tiaras” thing she’s got going on isn’t nearly as cute as you think, because those are the only pair of those particular fuck-me hooker heels in my size and I have a date tonight so your four-year-old can stuff it. She walks like a linebacker in drag anyway.

Stephanie August 5, 2012 at 5:45 pm

I was born with one arm, and for my sister and I no joke is off-limits. That being said, I’m not sorry huge amusement park for comments made by my sister and neighbor, primarily, “Steph, keep both arms in the ride this time!”

Kelly Fox August 7, 2012 at 3:43 pm

How much do I love you right now? sooo much. No one understands the fine art of dickbaggery. Or the fine line of notgivingafuckery. Somehow my sister and I have yet to be kicked out of anywhere, I think it’s because we look all innocent, and then can turn on you with these demon looks from hell we inhereted from our Mom, that scares innocent halfwits away. Thanks Mom!
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Melodie February 12, 2013 at 12:18 pm

We didn’t get kicked out because we were a group of 8 year-olds, but I AM sorry Cici’s employees who had to clean up all that powdered sugar off the floor. She smeared frosting on my cheek! Obviously this means WAR.

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