I am Southern, and therefore love fireworks. Pants-shittingly love fireworks.
Grace and I once spent an entire night firing bottle rockets at a friend who was leaving for Boot Camp so we could simulate live fire and therefore train her better. She was hit once or twice by a roman candle, but she’s still alive, and I think a bodybuilder now, ALL THANKS TO FIREWORKS. You are welcome, America.
Thanks to some cousins who are new citizens and are celebrating for the first time–I have a six-foot-long sparkler that will light up all their freedom–I was unnaturally excited for today. Was, until last night when my butthole erupted with stupidity on my way to Chipotle.
I got in my car, turned on the ignition, and immediately hit the deck upon hearing extremely loud bangs and pops. I screamed like the little bitch I am–I was sure I was being shot at and bombed for that time I laughed at a joke about Jesus. I had begun to formulate a plan of escape and immediate surrender to Jeez’s crew when I realized I was not screaming alone in the floorboards of my car to being shot at, I was screaming alone in the floorboards of my car to the sound of fireworks being live-cast on a radio station in Dallas.
I cannot imagine anything more abjectly moronic than listening to a fireworks show without being able to see the fireworks, but then again, Dallas also built a multi-million dollar bridge over the Trinity River that had to be delayed opening because it’s not stable in the rain.
If this is how Dallas wants to play, though, I will be glad to play. Dangerballs lives for shit like this.
A List Of Radio Programs More Absurd Than Fireworks And Nothing Else That I Would Prefer Listening To
- Muzak and farts
- Country and domestic abuse
- Hip Hop and mooing
- Elephant rape and Michael Bolton
- Rod Stewart and a frightened elderly person
- A baby screaming and The William Tell Overture
- Gongs and Kirk Cameron battling Rick Moranis
- Carly Rae Jepsen
- A marimba and a moose
- George Gershwin and Helen Mirren’s queefs
- Patrick Stewart narrating his bowel movements
- Gilbert Gottfried reading A Brief History Of Time
- Timeclocks and Bibles
- Stephen Hawking reading Tupac Shakur’s discocraphy
- Someone riding a wheelchair on a treadmill and The Imperial March
- A 56K Modem and the disemboweling of a squirrel
- Charlie Daniels and a blender full of knives
- Lady Gaga and a rickety carnival ferris wheel
- A Terminator soundboard and anal penetration
- Will Smith and Willow Smith
- Gym grunts and a theremin
- Disco and a dog inward sneezing
- Beethoven and someone assembling a tent
- Mongolian throat singing and the warnings and instructions for a roller coaster as read by a disgruntled teenage worker who is like, so stoned you guys
- Yanni and a woman fighting her way out of a cocoon of dry cleaning bags
I will be expecting my royalty checks, all of the Dallas radio stations.
What are you doing/did you do for the 4th? Did I miss any excitingly ridiculous radio ideas?– Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Rachel: “I used to have a gang of raccoons that would get on top of my car and make threatening noises and gestures at me when I would try to leave. They also liked to get in the dumpster and close the lid, so that when I came out to put the garbage in there, they could jump out when I opened the lid and scare the shit out of me. And to add to the fun, they would jump into the large garbage can on the back porch and somehow make it roll across and off into the yard, so not only was I jolted awake by the loud noise, I also had to clean it all up at some point in the night/morning. Raccoons are assholes.”