Dangerballs 100.3 Now Playing All The Asinine Mediocrities

07/04/2012 · 26 comments

in Kirk Cameron, Psychological Warfare, Rick Moranis, What Is Wrong With You?

I am Southern, and therefore love fireworks. Pants-shittingly love fireworks.

Grace and I once spent an entire night firing bottle rockets at a friend who was leaving for Boot Camp so we could simulate live fire and therefore train her better. She was hit once or twice by a roman candle, but she’s still alive, and I think a bodybuilder now, ALL THANKS TO FIREWORKS. You are welcome, America.

Thanks to some cousins who are new citizens and are celebrating for the first time–I have a six-foot-long sparkler that will light up all their freedom–I was unnaturally excited for today. Was, until last night when my butthole erupted with stupidity on my way to Chipotle.

I got in my car, turned on the ignition, and immediately hit the deck upon hearing extremely loud bangs and pops. I screamed like the little bitch I am–I was sure I was being shot at and bombed for that time I laughed at a joke about Jesus. I had begun to formulate a plan of escape and immediate surrender to Jeez’s crew when I realized I was not screaming alone in the floorboards of my car to being shot at, I was screaming alone in the floorboards of my car to the sound of fireworks being live-cast on a radio station in Dallas.

No narration.
No explanation.
Only fireworks.

I cannot imagine anything more abjectly moronic than listening to a fireworks show without being able to see the fireworks, but then again, Dallas also built a multi-million dollar bridge over the Trinity River that had to be delayed opening because it’s not stable in the rain.

If this is how Dallas wants to play, though, I will be glad to play. Dangerballs lives for shit like this.

A List Of Radio Programs More Absurd Than Fireworks And Nothing Else That I Would Prefer Listening To

  • Muzak and farts
  • Country and domestic abuse
  • Hip Hop and mooing
  • Elephant rape and Michael Bolton
  • Rod Stewart and a frightened elderly person
  • A baby screaming and The William Tell Overture
  • Gongs and Kirk Cameron battling Rick Moranis
  • Carly Rae Jepsen
  • A marimba and a moose
  • George Gershwin and Helen Mirren’s queefs
  • Patrick Stewart narrating his bowel movements
  • Gilbert Gottfried reading A Brief History Of Time
  • Timeclocks and Bibles
  • Stephen Hawking reading Tupac Shakur’s discocraphy
  • Someone riding a wheelchair on a treadmill and The Imperial March
  • A 56K Modem and the disemboweling of a squirrel
  • Charlie Daniels and a blender full of knives
  • Lady Gaga and a rickety carnival ferris wheel
  • A Terminator soundboard and anal penetration
  • Will Smith and Willow Smith
  • Gym grunts and a theremin
  • Disco and a dog inward sneezing
  • Beethoven and someone assembling a tent
  • Mongolian throat singing and the warnings and instructions for a roller coaster as read by a disgruntled teenage worker who is like, so stoned you guys
  • Yanni and a woman fighting her way out of a cocoon of dry cleaning bags

I will be expecting my royalty checks, all of the Dallas radio stations.

What are you doing/did you do for the 4th? Did I miss any excitingly ridiculous radio ideas?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Rachel: “I used to have a gang of raccoons that would get on top of my car and make threatening noises and gestures at me when I would try to leave. They also liked to get in the dumpster and close the lid, so that when I came out to put the garbage in there, they could jump out when I opened the lid and scare the shit out of me. And to add to the fun, they would jump into the large garbage can on the back porch and somehow make it roll across and off into the yard, so not only was I jolted awake by the loud noise, I also had to clean it all up at some point in the night/morning. Raccoons are assholes.” 
leigh July 4, 2012 at 9:37 am

oh man… i am only able to enjoy fireworks now as an adult… as a kid… fucking terrifying… i would have to sit in the car with the windows up, music on… and i’d still cover my ears… ya. my dad finally taught me to watch the fireworks go up in the sky so that the exploding part wouldn’t freak me out so much… it worked… eventually.

i’m so awesome.

i probably would have lost my mind hearing fireworks on the radio… not cool yo. not cool.
leigh recently posted..at the end of the day…

Mayor Gia July 4, 2012 at 10:30 am

Hhahaha this is kind of like how I don’t understand why Boyfriend would listen to GOLF on the radio. Isn’t watching that tiny white ball the whole point of it?
Mayor Gia recently posted..Fake Party Follow Up

Karen July 4, 2012 at 11:34 am

That’s what you get for listening to Jack FM. They play WHATEVER the fuck they want.

Is it wrong that I would probably listen to about 5 of your suggestions?

Misty July 5, 2012 at 11:12 am

Jack FM completely fucking wigged me out the other day when it was 95* outside and I started hearing Christmas music coming from my radio. I thought I was having a heat stroke. Apparently, it was just June 25th, and since it was 6 months until xmas, they decided to be assholes, I mean creative, about it and play xmas music all day. Fuck you, Jack. I’m sending you my therapy bill!
Misty recently posted..Happy 4th!!

Jake July 4, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Patrick Stewart could narrate literally *anything* and I would listen to it—the contents of my freezer, the instruction manual to a VCR, the autopsy of someone who got hit by a train while on fire. ANYTHING.

Also, I’m glad I don’t listen to the radio much down here, because I probably would have done about the same fucking thing. Thanks, Dallas.
Jake recently posted..ASSHAT.

Tazer Warrior Princess July 4, 2012 at 1:55 pm

I love fireworks, I do.

What I hate is the knuckledragging morons in my ‘hood that don’t know how to be SAFE with fireworks and end up starting (or almost starting) fires all 31 days of July, since, ya know, one day of rampant alcoholism and flammable objects is not enough.

Well that and the fact that my dogs go from sweet, sleepy pooches to Rageasaurus Rexes in 0.034 seconds when the booming starts.

I’ll take “my fireworks show out of town for 800″, Alex.

Happy Fourth!
Tazer Warrior Princess recently posted..Happy Fucking Fireworks Day

Andi Davies July 4, 2012 at 1:59 pm

I love fireworks too, but the sound doesn’t do a whole lot for me. I mean, if I wanted to listen to that, I would just invite all my kids friends over and tell them to cook dinner. Between the crashing of plates, slamming of cupboards, and the roar of the gas flames on the stove, the only thing I would miss is the pretty colors. And I might get a meal out of that mess in the end.
Andi Davies recently posted..What I’ve Been Doing Instead of Blogging

Chooplah July 4, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Can we make a compilation cd of all of those sounds? I want it.
Chooplah recently posted..If Product Slogans Told the Truth

Larisa Levitt July 8, 2012 at 11:15 pm

You can compile them…You can download that all online….
Larisa Levitt recently posted..Rock Hard Erection: How to get it naturally?

Jillian July 4, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Of all the things Patrick Stewart could narrate, his bowel movements isn’t Number 1. But I’m not so sure of where it actually falls on the list.
Jillian recently posted..No Dice

Bobbie July 4, 2012 at 6:26 pm

The only thing better than fireworks on the radio was when we began Operation Iraqi Freedom, and I got to hear the stringent bombing– or “shock and awe”– over the airwaves as I drove to my mom’s house. And since the DJs couldn’t see it, their entire commentary consisted of, “Whoa! That was a big one!” “That must have done some damage!” And, ironically, “It sounds like a giant fireworks show!” Dallas, you have some competition in your radio-transmitted idiocy. I think Houston wins this one.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd July 4, 2012 at 6:40 pm

I want to hear someone reading a book. Not out loud.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Pictures from the beach, which means no shots of the ocean or sand, obviously.

Norway July 5, 2012 at 1:45 am

Polar bears hibernating and someone breaking red crayons.
Knitting and a turtle cage fight.
Pop rocks and a frightened baby.
Sex grunts and Sarah Palin practicing her imaginary inaugural speech in the shower.

Am I doing this right?

angelgypsy July 5, 2012 at 9:35 am

Hey! I live in DFW too! I didn’t know you were that close to me! Thankfully I missed that bit of nonsense. I did hear the tail end of the Whitney Houston American Anthem. Arguably the best version in the history of ever.

I bypassed all the fireworks nonsense by staying home and luckily no one in my complex was that stupid. I’ve gotten to the point where I just don’t see the magic in going to see the live fireworks anymore. Sit out in the heat for hours waiting for it to happen (because if you don’t get there early, you won’t find a place to park or a spot to sit/stand). I don’t do heat well (which is why I would move to colorado or canada if I could) AND I have a heart condition which makes being out in the heat even more dangerous. All for ten minutes of ooh ahh. Cost to benefit ratio, negative.

Banana Stickers July 5, 2012 at 11:00 am

Amazing Grace sung by chipmunks and dry buttsex.
Or Rebecca Black singing “Friday” while gargling moose urine and razor blades.
Banana Stickers recently posted..WARNING: This post contains a picture of someone with a horrible hair cut. And a nipple.

Myth July 7, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Has this blog been a Funny Bitch Friday yet? Because it should be. I love this woman.

Misty July 5, 2012 at 11:17 am

Things I am NOT a fan of:

– being outside
– being outside in excessive heat
– standing around waiting for an event
– standing around waiting for an event in a huge crowd of people
– having said people all slammed up against you in the excessive heat
– watching bright things explode in the sky
– loud noises
– traffic caused by large amounts of people trying to leave a venue all at the same time after bright loud things finish exploding in the sky

Yeah, my hubs took the boys to see the fireworks. I stayed home in the A/C watching DVR’d episodes of MasterChef. God Bless America!
Misty recently posted..Happy 4th!!

Jen July 9, 2012 at 12:24 am

Nothing says “God Bless America” like Gordon Ramsay, my friend. And, of course, texting your BFF. . .which (of course) we did. . .like every other night. ;)
Jen recently posted..FOODIE FRIDAY: "I’d tapas that"

Jaime July 5, 2012 at 11:34 am

We didn’t get to see fireworks because some drunk jackass climbed the barrier fence and fucked up the firing system…. No fireworks for me. :(
Jaime recently posted..memories made of chocolate…

Dana the Biped July 5, 2012 at 12:06 pm

The inward-sneezing dog and disco combo? Noa, you don’t need a radio for that. Just come over to my place. The disco comes with a live dancing queen neighbor and will probably end with the dog giving up on the sneezing and settling for a good puke session. I love my building.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Phoning It In

Jen July 5, 2012 at 1:00 pm

How about Yanni PLAYING Carly Rae Jepsen? “Call Me Maybe” can only be made more mind-numbingly horrific when warbled bythe Master of the Pan Flute.
Jen recently posted.."Go, Shawties, It’s Yer Birthday!"

Valerie July 5, 2012 at 9:57 pm

I think you should shit your pants and mail the dirty undies to the radio station. If anything, hopefully someone there will get some on themselves. Enclose a card that says “Karma is really shitty. Thanks for the fireworks… in my pants.”

Hugs!

Valerie
Valerie recently posted..Some friends will cut a bitch for you… If they were actually alive, that is.

Ally July 5, 2012 at 10:08 pm

Wait. What do you mean you’re Southern? I thought you were from Texas. Texas is a region all by itself.
Ally recently posted..Mountin’ Mean: Volume 1

Rachel July 6, 2012 at 10:00 am

One year on the 4th of July, me, my two cousins, and my boyfriend climbed up on my aunt’s roof with an arsenal of roman candles and bottle rockets, and then called her and asked her to come outside. As soon as she walked outside looking for us, we unleashed the fury of 1000 Chinese fireworks on her ass. What we didn’t know is that she’d been drinking all day, and therefore she couldn’t figure out that her family was bombarding her from her own roof with cheaply made pyrotechnics. She started yelling something about aliens fucking with her again and wanting to go home and ended up falling down and passing out in the backyard. Best 4th EVER.

Jen July 9, 2012 at 12:26 am

Maybe if you didn’t dress your dog like a Japanese schoolgirl she wouldn’t be such a whiny little bee-yotch. I mean. . .I’m just sayin’. . .
Jen recently posted..FOODIE FRIDAY: "I’d tapas that"

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