Before I turned 19, I was in an absurdly abusive relationship, lived through a gross sham of a parent, and had 2 homes burned to the fucking ground. I have been through some serious shit in my day.
There’s no book to get you through terrible things in your life; you get burned and you learn not to do that thing that burned you ever again. You live and grow and hope that with your knowledge and experience, you can help others learn from your mistakes.
This generation has it a little easier. They have books to guide them; namely, the totally appropriately gender-delineated “How To Survive Anything,” series.
Boys learn how to fend off Polar Bears, Zombies, T-Rexes, and Vampires while learning how to recover from tornadoes, broken bones, and earthquakes. A little off-center, but entertaining and semi-useful nonetheless.
Girls learn how to get back in the kitchen and make some goddamn sandwiches while not talking to anyone about that bruise on her cheek.
Chapter 1. How to survive a BFF Fight
We all know the stats. Millions of girls will fall victim to BFF fights this year alone, and most won’t make it out alive. Girls, hear this now: there is literally nothing more important than learning how to make up with a BFF after she tells your cousin that you looked fat in that shirt.
Chapter 2. How to Survive Soccer Tryouts
Because you’ll never get a husband if you can’t kick a ball, you chubby-ass klutz. Sorry Cheerleaders, Volleyball players, Basketball girls, Field Hockey girls, and Knitting Club girls–life is over for you. Soccer is where it’s fucking at.
Chapter 3. How to Survive a Breakout
Surviving a natural disaster? Your life will be a natural disaster if you don’t get that zitty-ass mug of yours under control. No man wants pimple cream transferred to their crotches mid-blowie. Talk about faux pas!
Chapter 4. How to Show You’re Sorry
Learn to apologize early for making him hit you because you didn’t make chicken for dinner like he thought he wanted.
Chapter 5. How to Have the Best Sleepover Ever
When I look back at my life, I have only one regret, and it’s not knowing how to throw the best sleepovers ever. That could have saved me from years of heartache and pain and would eliminate the number one cause of divorce in this nation.
Chapter 6. How to Take the Perfect School Photo
Useful later in life when you look back and remember when you weren’t a washed-up sorostitute and take another drink of Arbor Mist Rosè and a long drag off a Marlboro 100.
Chapter 7. How to Survive Brothers
Because brothers will straight-up murder siblings with uteruses. Watch your back, girl.
Chapter 8. Scary Survival Dos and Don’ts
Full of tips like not throwing things at ghosts so you don’t piss them off. Of course, we all remember this being the main political platform of Susan B. Anthony: “Don’t Throw Shit At Ghosts, Bitches Need Votes.”
Chapter 9. How to Handle Becoming Rich
After you take the perfect school photo and get your face under control, you’re gonna land a rich one, gals! Life is going to be all cake and roses and champagne and hedge funds and….
Chapter 10. How to Keep Stuff Secret
you’re gonna need to shut your face about your husband stepping out on you 4 nights a week if you wanna keep that money, honey.
Chapter 11. How to Survive Tests
Why is this even here? The only grades you need to know are the diamond ratings. A clear publisher oversight.
Chapter 12. How to Survive Shyness
Alternate title: How to stop being a fucking weirdo and have some goddamn friends already. Seriously, why are you even sitting with those girls at lunch? Can you not wear black today?
Chapter 13. How to Handle Sudden Stardom
My biggest problems as a tween girl were learning how to not wear only blue shirts and conquering sadness after they took Gundam Wing off Toonami. I was oblivious to the fact that all other girls in my grade were allegedly dick-slapped by sudden, intense fame and fortune. Regrets–I have many.
Chapter 14. More Stardom Survival Tips
Jesus Ham-Eating Christ. Apparently sudden stardom is an overwhelming problem in the tween set these days. Enough of a problem to warrant editors not to combine two chapters together or think “what the fuck are we encouraging our girls to read?”
Chapter 15. How to Survive a Camping Trip
Xanax and Wine. These tips are just Xanax and Wine.
Chapter 16. How to Survive a Fashion Disaster
Benazir Bhutto credited this chapter with her being a tour de force of women’s rights and equality. When asked about it, she responded, “If I hadn’t known how to recover from that nip-slip in my Hollister bikini in front of Justin, I never would have been an icon for women everywhere.”
Chapter 17. How to Teach Your Cat to Sit
Mother of God.
Chapter 18. How to Turn a No Into a Yes
Also known as, “just the tip, c’mon,” “no means yes,” and, “look, it wasn’t rape, ok?”
Chapter 19. Top Tips for Speechmaking
And here, right in the middle, is a real skill that so many girls could use. I’m surprised. I’m impressed, maybe the authors finally pull their heads out of their asses and thought, “Girls are worth more than we think. They’re not all tampons and hormones.”
Chapter 20. How to Survive Embarrassment
Fuck. Clearly I was wrong about Chapter 19.
Chapter 21. How to Be a Mind Reader
Seriously, you should have known he wanted chicken for dinner because he thought about it around 4. It’s still your fault that he hit you.
Chapter 22. How to Survive a Crush
This weekend, I overheard this conversation:
“I think he raped me.”
“But was he hot?”
“Then just go with it.”
That’s the entire content of this chapter and of the sadness in my heart.
Chapter 23. Seaside Survival
Pro-Tip: Don’t have your period, because sharks will stone cold eat a bitch.
Chapter 24. How to Soothe Sunburn
You didn’t listen to any tips in the previous chapter you dumb cunt, and now you have a sunburn. Enjoy your impending sun-damaged wrinkled skin.
Chapter 25. How to Pick Perfect Sunglasses
LIES. No one knows how to do this.
Chapter 26. Surviving a Zombie Attack
The ONE TIME this book chooses to address survival skills and recovery and they choose Zombies? Oh, right, silly me. Periods again. Zombies can smell the iron in your pussy from miles away.
Chapter 27. How to Spot a Frenemy
Is she holding this book? There she is!
Chapter 28. Brilliant Boredom Busters
Learn to occupy the grating silence-filled times between when your husband leaves for work and when Consuela and Hector comes to water your begonias.
Chapter 29. How to Survive Truth or Dare
Always ask for truth, but lie when you’re asked if you have self-respect. If you must Dare, don’t make out with your hand or a hot dog. That shit will never leave you.
Chapter 30. How to Beat Bullies
The tips from “How To Teach Your Cat To Sit,” are just copied and pasted here. Pussy joke.
Chapter 31. How to be an Amazing Babysitter
Finish with a wang, that’s what I always say. Chapters 30 and 31 are the equivalent of watching The Godfather for the first time and hearing a fart right as the credits begin to roll.
Gender Roles and Sexism: Clearly still a pretty big problem.
What was your favorite chapter in this?– Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Carrie-Cannibalistic Nerd: “Wait a second, I’m in my 30s and don’t have a little somethin somethin on the side. I didn’t realize it was a requirement for my age group. I’ve learned so much.”