Have you ever been fucking a guy really hard while drunk enough for it to be considered consensually-ambiguous but like, still totally femmepowering, and thought, “Oh man, what am I gonna wear tomorrow at work when I want to regain my dignity?” right before passing out facedown on his crusty rug?
Man, if I had an STD for every time I jellyrolled a pantsuit into my clutch the night before I became a booty call, I would be a Kardashian.
Worry no more, Wanderwhores! Cosmopolitan, and their Reversible Fashion for the Morning After, is here for you.
“This second-skin mini is perfect for girl’s night and sleepovers, since its inner layer is solid black. Aka, you can turn it inside out so no one has to know you didn’t sleep at home.”
I like several things about this piece, not the least of which is the pattern that is bold enough to spell out daddy issues from miles away. Though the pattern is hypnotizing and reminiscent of what a seizure sounds like on one side, it is black on the other; reversing from party frock to a demure LBD. No one waiting for the 45 Bus will know that you were out skanking it up the night before, you’ll blend right in! Even though it’s a strapless and form-fitting mini-dress with a tit-ruche, you all but disappear because–it’s black.
“Okay, these pumps are a must-have for any girl who can’t stand the pain that pumps bring on after a night of dancing. They have built-in flats that slip out so you can slip them on as you’re on your way home. Bonus: They can also offer up a new look if you’ve stayed the night at his house and need to head to work ASAP.”
I appreciate the half-assed aspect of the sole. It’s not quite a platform and not quite a regular shoe, it’s an incestuous blend that gives way to the illusive and regrettable funeral shoe. The hidden flats are a work of unnecessary art and bring to mind the phrase, “I give up.” I find a certain genius in these shoes. After all, there’s nothing that keeps people off your ShameTrail faster than wearing shitty flats while carrying patent-plastic heels.
“Opting for convertible bottoms is an easy way to cover up your late-night tracks. This reversible pair offers a solid black color on one side and a subtle black cheetah print on the other.”
A hidden aspect that I just hate to see skipped here is the fact that any fabric with a subtle cheetah print is, by definition, fluid-proof. Wine, tears, semen–they all just slide away thanks to the super space-age fabric, engineered especially for bad decisions. Also good for trapping in fluids, helping sweat stay near your ass-folds for ultimate comfort. These are unbelievably practical as well! One minute you’re in a glitter halter with raccoon eyes while wearing cheetah pants, and the next minute you’re wearing a glitter halter with raccoon eyes while wearing black pants. Work appropriate attire? Nailed it.
“The zig-zag print on this soft jersey skirt is perfect for the warm weather, but here’s what we really love about this piece: you can turn it inside out for an all-black, work-ready bottom that goes with any top.”
Watch out, ShameWalk, here I com-fort! Jersey really doesn’t get enough coverage in the workplace or while out on the town, and I like to see it brought so seamlessly into both places in this skirt. Jersey is a fabric known for smoothness, opaqueness, and it’s absolute non-resemblance to sweats and Cheeto farts. Literally every top I will ever own would look amazing with a jersey skirt. The pattern is magic; inverting the Wonder Woman logo, and then tessellating it with a hipster color palette helps send a message of Cosby, unoriginality and reckless self-loathing.
“This super-soft shirt is so awesome it should win a Nobel Prize. There are three different color options, depending on which way you wear it: Sport the blue side in front or turn it backwards to see the tan side. Then flip it inside out to reveal a bright yellow top. Translation: You could have two sleepovers in a row and no one would catch on.”
This should absolutely win that Nobel Prize for Awesome, initially given to Susan B. Anthony for her Merkin-B-Fresh shampoos. The double-booty-call fashion market is decidedly bare-assed, so finally seeing a top that can go one regretfuck to another while staying fresh and hip is a breath of gin-soaked air. This top is hypnotizing–usually people can tell when you’ve turned your shirt around backwards like a drunken asshole, but not on this wondrous masterpiece of fabric. Bonus: the bright yellow school-bus interior, sure to throw the trail of any ne’er do well office sneaks trying to catch you in the act of empowerment. You’re a veritable kaleidoscope of sound life choices!
“We love neon for summer, but the problem with the bold hue is that everyone notices when you wear it. This belt allows you to flip from a bright side to a classic black option in seconds, changing up your look a bit.”
My grandma used to tell me that belts are the yes-nod to doggy-style, and that kind of vintage wisdom is being revived in full-force in this “hip”ster-tastic waist-cincher. I would like to see a combo of this belt and that flawy tri-top above in a masterpiece of WanderWhore Chic. If you’re really daring, pair it with the jersey skirt too (remember, literally everything you own goes well with jersey!) Aside from being jam-packed full of unnecessarily aggressive attitude, this fun and funky belt really says to the world, “neon fashion is on it’s way down, and so am I. Winky-face!”
“Just because you’re on vacation doesn’t mean no one’s paying attention to what you’re wearing. You’ll love this tropical-print reversible bikini that’s bright blue once you turn it inside out.”
Last week when I blacked out and had sex with strangers next to a dirty pool, I was really red-faced the following day. How could I live with myself knowing that my besties had seen me in this the day before? That final WanderWhore barrier of swimsuit recognition has officially been broken like a public bathroom condom, and it is ribbed (and reversible!) for her pleasure! Sassy pattern on one side, sneaky solid on the other! Walk in confidence knowing that your friends can never smell the chlorine, Sea Breezes, or poor life choices on yesterday’s attire because now it’s inside out and blue.
“Nothing says “out all night” like a sparkly clutch. This one’s got a sexy—but removable—fringe bracelet, so no one at work has to know you haven’t made it home yet.”
I’ve long been an advocate for chaining my purse to my arm when I’m shithoused, both for defensive and for not-losing-my-shit-all-over-Downtown purposes, but they really stepped up the game when they added the ombre chain fringe. Now I can tangle something else in my hair to find the next day (I’m looking at you, flashbacks of blackouts!) Plus, this clutch is small enough for the club, and large enough to fold your presentation notes for the next day only into fifths, giving you a new way to keep it professional and on the poon-rotation!
If any of this seems like a good idea, come here. I want to give you a hug. And some self-respect. And to smack you around for a while for being just…just a terrible person.
Ever seen a really great walk of shame? Ever done one?– Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Blizl: “I pre-empted this purchase combination before it happened, but I think it’s still a worthy story. My then-boyfriend had returned from a camping trip and wanted to reseason his cast iron skillet because it had rusted in several places. He had the steel wool to scour off the rust and old seasoning, but we needed a suitable fat to reseason with, as well as something to protect our hands from the shards of steel wool that inevitably result from the scouring process. It’s worth noting that this ex lived on Castro Street. Yes, THE Castro Street, and we’re both avowed homosexuals. On our walk down to the store we were reviewing our purchase plans when I said, “Sweetheart, if you think I’m going to a shop in the Castro with my boyfriend to buy only Crisco and rubber gloves, you’ve got another thing coming.”