Wanderwhore Chic Makes Self-Respect Optional

06/27/2012 · 32 comments

in Sadist Vagina, What Is Wrong With You?

Have you ever been fucking a guy really hard while drunk enough for it to be considered consensually-ambiguous but like, still totally femmepowering, and thought, “Oh man, what am I gonna wear tomorrow at work when I want to regain my dignity?” right before passing out facedown on his crusty rug?

Man, if I had an STD for every time I jellyrolled a pantsuit into my clutch the night before I became a booty call, I would be a Kardashian.

Worry no more, Wanderwhores! Cosmopolitan, and their Reversible Fashion for the Morning After, is here for you.

“This second-skin mini is perfect for girl’s night and sleepovers, since its inner layer is solid black. Aka, you can turn it inside out so no one has to know you didn’t sleep at home.”

I like several things about this piece, not the least of which is the pattern that is bold enough to spell out daddy issues from miles away. Though the pattern is hypnotizing and reminiscent of what a seizure sounds like on one side, it is black on the other; reversing from party frock to a demure LBD. No one waiting for the 45 Bus will know that you were out skanking it up the night before, you’ll blend right in! Even though it’s a strapless and form-fitting mini-dress with a tit-ruche, you all but disappear because–it’s black.

“Okay, these pumps are a must-have for any girl who can’t stand the pain that pumps bring on after a night of dancing. They have built-in flats that slip out so you can slip them on as you’re on your way home. Bonus: They can also offer up a new look if you’ve stayed the night at his house and need to head to work ASAP.”

I appreciate the half-assed aspect of the sole. It’s not quite a platform and not quite a regular shoe, it’s an incestuous blend that gives way to the illusive and regrettable funeral shoe. The hidden flats are a work of unnecessary art and bring to mind the phrase, “I give up.”  I find a certain genius in these shoes. After all, there’s nothing that keeps people off your ShameTrail faster than wearing shitty flats while carrying patent-plastic heels. 

“Opting for convertible bottoms is an easy way to cover up your late-night tracks. This reversible pair offers a solid black color on one side and a subtle black cheetah print on the other.”

A hidden aspect that I just hate to see skipped here is the fact that any fabric with a subtle cheetah print is, by definition, fluid-proof. Wine, tears, semen–they all just slide away thanks to the super space-age fabric, engineered especially for bad decisions. Also good for trapping in fluids, helping sweat stay near your ass-folds for ultimate comfort. These are unbelievably practical as well! One minute you’re in a glitter halter with raccoon eyes while wearing cheetah pants, and the next minute you’re wearing a glitter halter with raccoon eyes while wearing black pants. Work appropriate attire? Nailed it. 

 

“The zig-zag print on this soft jersey skirt is perfect for the warm weather, but here’s what we really love about this piece: you can turn it inside out for an all-black, work-ready bottom that goes with any top.”

Watch out, ShameWalk, here I com-fort! Jersey really doesn’t get enough coverage in the workplace or while out on the town, and I like to see it brought so seamlessly into both places in this skirt. Jersey is a fabric known for smoothness, opaqueness, and it’s absolute non-resemblance to sweats and Cheeto farts. Literally every top I will ever own would look amazing with a jersey skirt. The pattern is magic; inverting the Wonder Woman logo, and then tessellating it with a hipster color palette helps send a message of Cosby, unoriginality and reckless self-loathing.

“This super-soft shirt is so awesome it should win a Nobel Prize. There are three different color options, depending on which way you wear it: Sport the blue side in front or turn it backwards to see the tan side. Then flip it inside out to reveal a bright yellow top. Translation: You could have two sleepovers in a row and no one would catch on.”

This should absolutely win that Nobel Prize for Awesome, initially given to Susan B. Anthony for her Merkin-B-Fresh shampoos. The double-booty-call fashion market is decidedly bare-assed, so finally seeing a top that can go one regretfuck to another while staying fresh and hip is a breath of gin-soaked air. This top is hypnotizing–usually people can tell when you’ve turned your shirt around backwards like a drunken asshole, but not on this wondrous masterpiece of fabric. Bonus: the bright yellow school-bus interior, sure to throw the trail of any ne’er do well office sneaks trying to catch you in the act of empowerment. You’re a veritable kaleidoscope of sound life choices!

“We love neon for summer, but the problem with the bold hue is that everyone notices when you wear it. This belt allows you to flip from a bright side to a classic black option in seconds, changing up your look a bit.”

My grandma used to tell me that belts are the yes-nod to doggy-style, and that kind of vintage wisdom is being revived in full-force in this “hip”ster-tastic waist-cincher. I would like to see a combo of this belt and that flawy tri-top above in a masterpiece of WanderWhore Chic. If you’re really daring, pair it with the jersey skirt too (remember, literally everything you own goes well with jersey!) Aside from being jam-packed full of unnecessarily aggressive attitude, this fun and funky belt really says to the world, “neon fashion is on it’s way down, and so am I. Winky-face!”

“Just because you’re on vacation doesn’t mean no one’s paying attention to what you’re wearing. You’ll love this tropical-print reversible bikini that’s bright blue once you turn it inside out.”

Last week when I blacked out and had sex with strangers next to a dirty pool, I was really red-faced the following day. How could I live with myself knowing that my besties had seen me in this the day before? That final WanderWhore barrier of swimsuit recognition has officially been broken like a public bathroom condom, and it is ribbed (and reversible!) for her pleasure! Sassy pattern on one side, sneaky solid on the other! Walk in confidence knowing that your friends can never smell the chlorine, Sea Breezes, or poor life choices on yesterday’s attire because now it’s inside out and blue.

“Nothing says “out all night” like a sparkly clutch. This one’s got a sexy—but removable—fringe bracelet, so no one at work has to know you haven’t made it home yet.”

I’ve long been an advocate for chaining my purse to my arm when I’m shithoused, both for defensive and for not-losing-my-shit-all-over-Downtown purposes, but they really stepped up the game when they added the ombre chain fringe. Now I can tangle something else in my hair to find the next day (I’m looking at you, flashbacks of blackouts!) Plus, this clutch is small enough for the club, and large enough to fold your presentation notes for the next day only into fifths, giving you a new way to keep it professional and on the poon-rotation!

If any of this seems like a good idea, come here. I want to give you a hug. And some self-respect. And to smack you around for a while for being just…just a terrible person.

Ever seen a really great walk of shame? Ever done one?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Blizl: “I pre-empted this purchase combination before it happened, but I think it’s still a worthy story. My then-boyfriend had returned from a camping trip and wanted to reseason his cast iron skillet because it had rusted in several places. He had the steel wool to scour off the rust and old seasoning, but we needed a suitable fat to reseason with, as well as something to protect our hands from the shards of steel wool that inevitably result from the scouring process. It’s worth noting that this ex lived on Castro Street. Yes, THE Castro Street, and we’re both avowed homosexuals. On our walk down to the store we were reviewing our purchase plans when I said, “Sweetheart, if you think I’m going to a shop in the Castro with my boyfriend to buy only Crisco and rubber gloves, you’ve got another thing coming.”
Mandi E. June 27, 2012 at 5:42 am

Um, is it just me or does the pattern on Reversible Slut Dress also seem to point out all the best places for your booty call to drop a load?
Mandi E. recently posted..Fairy Gardens and Seducing Kodiak Bears – These jokes write themselves.

Ms. Plaid Dressy Pants July 5, 2012 at 1:26 pm

I actually had to go scroll up and look at the dress again, and yes. Now that you mention it, there seems to be a few sublte arrows inscribed in the dress, isn’t there? How convenient is that bullshit!
Ms. Plaid Dressy Pants recently posted..4th o’July shenanigans!

Mayor Gia June 27, 2012 at 6:59 am

Hahah if I had reversible clothes, I would not think “Yay it’ll help me plan for walks of shame!” I would think “YESS now i can wear the same item to work twice in one week and NO ONE WILL KNOW!” Because I don’t have a lot of clothes. And am lame. Womp.
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Jane West June 27, 2012 at 7:11 am

I love this second-skin mini dress. This is perfect for my party night tomorrow. Well, I love all the things you have shared to us.
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thepsychobabble June 27, 2012 at 7:20 am

Finally! Now the other mom’s at school drop-off will NEVER KNOW about that booty call. And I’m sure they’ll stop giving me the judgement glare of death when I show up in the reversible mini! BECAUSE IT’S BLACK!
You are a life-saver.

Misty June 27, 2012 at 7:42 am

Damnit, Noa!! I told you to stay the fuck out of my closet. I don’t appreciate you rummaging around and then posting all of my reversible fuck me items for all the world to see! Now, how will I hide the fact that I am up all night boffing my brains out and then strolling in to work the next day with a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT OUTFIT . . . or so they think. Way to call me out and ruin my secret! Gah.

Actually, I’m thinking that this entire wardrobe is probably what is in the Office Skank’s closet . . . hmmm, Jen e Sais Quoi? ;)
Misty recently posted..The Schticky

Jen June 27, 2012 at 8:01 am

Come to think of it, I DO believe I’ve seen this rolled up behind the copier on Monday morning.
Jen recently posted.."Knock, knock! Who’s there? Cancer."

Jana June 27, 2012 at 3:24 pm

I just had a little vom – rolled up behind the copier! Because you know, nothing says party hardy like doing a little scan of your parts the day after! You know, I always need to photocopy them to make sure I didn’t leave anything behind.
Jana recently posted..Dear Twatbagders…..suck it

HeatherRose June 27, 2012 at 8:14 am

I ran into a friend of mine on Sunday morning at the local farmer’s market. He was still wearing the same clothes from the night before, and had apparently spent the night with some random drunk chick he met on a DC bus. Because sharing [super Gonnorhea] is caring. Nothing says walk of shame like hormone-free, cage-free eggs and some $20 goat’s milk cheese.
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nadine June 27, 2012 at 8:33 am

Finally, wardrobe choices for my slutwhoreputa ways.
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Lydia June 27, 2012 at 9:10 am

OK I’ll be the first one to throw my own shame walk out there, which no amount of reversible anything could have saved me from. A friend and I went home with a couple of dudes and she woke up first thing the next morning, gazed down at the douchecanoe she was laying next to, and ran out of there and left me (did I specify former friend? Former friend). I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a vodka bus and walked downstairs with the two dudes trailing behind me only to run smack into the dude-I-had-hooked-up-with’s older (and judge-y) sister. She took one look at the mess that was me and the two of them and informed me that I had clogged their hot tub filter with my underwear. I mean, if only I had had a clutch with a removable chain.
Lydia recently posted..Hay What’s Up With Your Totally F-ing Jacked Blog?

leigh June 27, 2012 at 9:13 am

oh man… so many options!!

i was in club monaco the other day looking for the hub’s birthday present… and they had reversible shorts for dudes… so at least they support equal opportunity for all! ;)

Rachel June 27, 2012 at 9:38 am

Pfft, this stuff is for amateurs. Real whores ALWAYS keep extra clothes and shoes in their car, purse, and desk at work. Or so I’m told.

Dave in Sherman June 27, 2012 at 10:54 am

Many years ago I was a cop in Muncie, Indiana, home of Ball State University. The school is a teaching and Nursing school and about 70/30 on the site of the girls. Anyway, for some historical reason, there is not allowed any sorority houses on campus but there is a whole row of Frat houses right down Frat Row from the women’s dorm. So let’s guess what my fellow officers favorite early Sunday morning recreation was? Yup, you guessed it, THE WALK OF SHAME!!!!!!
There would be several DOZEN girls slink out the side doors of the Frat Houses and do the walk down McKinley Ave. back to the women’s dorms.
Awards WERE given!!!
Dave
Dave in Sherman recently posted..Week #4 Midterm Week

Chooplah June 27, 2012 at 11:27 am

Jesus Christ, thank you for this.
“Watch out, ShameWalk, here I com-fort!” hahaha
Chooplah recently posted..The Mysteries of Facebook Explained in 2 Easy Pie Charts

Liss June 27, 2012 at 11:33 am

Is it just me or would the reversible all black just be a wonderful canvas for displaying…uh, fluids? Like a more subtle Pollock-esque design to share with the world?

Fearless Fibro Warrior June 27, 2012 at 12:05 pm

I really gotta say, where was all this shit back in the early 90’s when I was perfecting the walk of shame? I can’t tell you how many mornings I walked home, with my most prized possessions (read: leather jacket and ankle booties) wadded up like some crazed toothless freak escaping a flood.

Worst walk of shame? Getting dropped off in a beater Mustang with a mean backfire at the back of my house–on November 1, dressed as a belly dancer. A belly dancer that works overnight gigs, apparently.

Worst part? The back of my house had an alley that was across from a Frat House, and they were all up at the crack of dawn, sitting on their fence, pounding the Keystones. Uuuuggghhhhh.
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Dana the Biped June 27, 2012 at 1:03 pm

If you turn it inside out, it’s still dirty. Just like you, WanderWhore.
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Danielle June 27, 2012 at 1:50 pm

I don’t admit to have ever taken a walk of shame but back in my university days, I used to love the day after Halloween. Watching costumed people scramble back to their dorms in the wee hours of November 1st was great entertainment. My friend once had to walk across campus dressed as a cave girl.

Johi June 27, 2012 at 2:07 pm

If only the clothes were more revealing. Then they could triple as “Play Date Wear” or “Dropping the kid off at school clothes”. I like to show A LOT more skin than what these garments can offer. I typically let at least one boob out for air every day, and I’m not even nursing a baby, boobs just need to “get the freshness” like everything else.
Johi recently posted..Just another evening of vaseline, rubber gloves and novocaine

Andi Davies June 27, 2012 at 2:38 pm

I’m sick of the Walk of Shame. Fuck the whole shame thing. I’m gonna start calling it the Clomp of Success. “Clomp, clomp…I got laid and you didn’t. I got some action last night, that’s right, check out this busy booty right here. I’m rollin’ and you hatin’ bitches.” Although, reversible clothes and pumps that become flats don’t sound like a bad idea either.
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Jana June 27, 2012 at 3:21 pm

While doing the walk of shame through my college campus, apparently my underwear fell out of the leg of my pants. Not one but TWO people were calling me to pick up what I had lost, I didn’t look back, I totally pretended I didn’t speak English. (Apparently I was Swedish for the day)
Jana recently posted..Dear Twatbagders…..suck it

dotlife June 27, 2012 at 3:27 pm

your articles always make me giggle. The best walk of shame I have ever seen was about 10 years ago. I used to live in a town with a marine base. This poor girl was limping im not sure if it was the shagadelic shoes or a cow girl burn. The maries were out doing their run and three of them shouted to her then looed at each other as if to go “oh shit” the on base dr better have some penicillin ready.
Might I add that I witnessed this on a Monday morning while I was waitng on the bus to college.
Now thats a weekend.

Jaime June 27, 2012 at 5:15 pm

is it bad that I’m kind of loving those heels???
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Jillian June 27, 2012 at 8:45 pm

That second mini is almost what we call a “skirtorshirt.” Contrary to Cosmo’s perspective, this ambiguity between which portion of the body the clothing is supposed to cover is not a sign of ingenuity but of laziness and questionable morals. Also, really small boobs.
Jillian recently posted..In Which You Learn About The Pain In My Butt

Jenna June 27, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Oh god. The worst walk of shame I ever had was in college. I left the guy’s apartment (which he shared with 3 other guys, of course) at around 7 am to avoid seeing anyone. I wandered around looking for my car for a good 20 minutes before I finally remembered I hadn’t driven there the night before. So, at 7 am, I began the 30 minute walk home across town in my heels, jeans, red tube top, and big sparkly earrings. I got a LOT of honks. Then a total creeper in a truck passed me, turned around, and pulled up next to me. “Want a ride?” he said. I was so desperate to get off the street, I said, “Where are you going?”. He responded, “Wherever you want to go.” That’s when I took in the child molester sun glasses and empty beer cans in the backseat. For once, I made a good decision and said, “Uh, no, I’ll walk” and promptly called in every favor I knew to get someone to pick me up and take me home. Now if my tube top had been reversible to black, no one would have ever been the wiser, and a creeper would never have tried to kidnap and molest me.

Dani June 28, 2012 at 8:15 am

Screw the Walk of Shame… I do the Dance of the Shameless instead. I wear my night-before clothes with pride as I stagger home the morning after.

HOWEVER… I would think that the busy pattern on the dress/skirt/bikini would be a wiser next-day option, as it wouldn’t show stains.

Yes?
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Valerie June 28, 2012 at 5:43 pm

I bet real hookers wear all of these at the same time. The outfit combinations would be infinite.

Hugs!

Valerie
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Heather June 28, 2012 at 7:56 pm

If you have enough forethought to plan to wear the one outfit you own that could be reversible because you suspect that you aren’t going to be going home that night, couldn’t you just leave some clothes at work to change into or set the alarm early enough to go home first. Or at least stop at Duane Reade for a pair of black tights to cover up your vag in that dress?

Ms. Plaid Dressy Pants July 5, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Only once have I ever done the walk of shame. ONE TIME. And it was an accident. How in the fuck women actually think THAT THEY CAN PULL OFF going to work freshly fucked and hungover is beyond me.

Nothing screams “slut” louder than, “Hold on. I need to turn my pants inside out before you drive me back to my car.”
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Wileen Proch July 12, 2012 at 7:20 am

I love all these stuff. You know your article awakens my favorite time to which is going to shopping. You make me to remember that I must need to buy new stuff since its been a long time that I haven’t give time for myself.
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