Like Mark Twain, If Twain Were An Oklahoma Fan

06/18/2012 · 33 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, My Family Is Strikingly Odd.

Leo is, perhaps, the funniest person in my family. I was cautious of him when I met him 3 years ago soon after he started dating my mom, and then I heard him say about one of the Kardashians, “She has a face only a mother’s dog could love,” I knew he would be amazing.

He’s been unequivocally supportive of my dumb ass trying to make a living being funny, even offering up name suggestions for future comedy albums like, “Alcohol Was Involved,” knowing that in my case, it usually is. He spares barbs for no one–everyone deserves to be told they’re being a dumbass now and again in Leo’s book. He’s the only man I know who can say, “I once threw an armadillo into a bar,” and not be bluffing.

For Father’s Day, here are a few of the best Leo-isms, presented with slightly less abrasive imagery.

Happy Father’s Day Leo. Thanks for being a constant source of, “Holy shit did he just say that,” entertainment for everyone.

What’s the funniest Relative-ism (or friend-ism, or coworker-ism, or parrot-ism) that you’ve heard? Tell me about when it was said and who did it!

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Jen: ““Ain’t no one fuck with tiny hippo” is now my new mantra. Ain’t. No one.”
Meg June 18, 2012 at 2:12 am

I think some of the best advice my dad has ever given me is, “Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up faster”. This saying comes in very handy now that I am a parent and my kids are in the store begging for something they don’t need. It’s so much more fun than just saying no.
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Cassey Chalks June 18, 2012 at 3:50 am

I love the images and I enjoy reading the message on it.
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Mayor Gia June 18, 2012 at 6:51 am

Bwah ha ha ha ha fantastic. They’re all so…majestic.
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Amy June 18, 2012 at 6:56 am

My cousin was once dating someone no one approved of. My grandmother, who has a country saying for every occasion, said “Well, love will go wherever it’s sent. Even up a pig’s ass.” Ever since, I have attempted to work that saying into conversation whenever possible.

It’s not often possible. I try anyway.
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Dani June 18, 2012 at 9:28 am

I’m replacing “If you lay down with dogs, you’ll wake up with fleas” with “For every pig, there is a pig fucker.”

Thank you, Leo. Everyone in my world will also thank you.
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Dani June 18, 2012 at 9:31 am

Oh, and my favorite “friend-ism” comes from my best friend, Kara: “Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke and butt-fuck ‘em if they can.”

It goes over well at parties when I think I’m hilarious and no one else does.
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Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd June 18, 2012 at 9:41 am

My grandmother: “You don’t eat when you’re hungry, you eat when it’s time.”

Her response to her grandchildrens vegetarian ways: “When I sit down to eat, I want a piece of meat.” She also referred to us a “goo eaters,” which was in reference to hummus, and is a term we still use to this day.
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Jillian June 18, 2012 at 10:22 am

My mom was watching a TV show about pests or gophers or zombie crows, and she grumbled under her breath, “I’d just pop ‘em one between the eyes.” My grandfather wandered into the living room just a few minutes later, the epitome of crotchety old man, and yelled (not grumbled), “Why don’t they just shoot ‘em between the eyes! That’d take care of it!”
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Andi Davies June 18, 2012 at 10:57 am

My mom once cracked my shit up in church while they were talking about the Annunciation — y’know, when the angel comes down and tells Mary she’s going to have a baby. Mom leaned over to me and, totally serious, said “If you came to me with a story like that, I wouldn’t believe you either.” Thanks Mom!
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Grateful mama June 18, 2012 at 11:19 am

I’ve got a few from my dad:

If you’re going to Fuck me, at least give me the courtesy of a reacharound.

Go play lightning rod.

You lie like a rug and twice as flat.

I once had a horse like that. We shot her. (after any complaint)

Jen June 18, 2012 at 11:39 am

My dad’s greatest advice was “It’s not what you know, it’s who you blow”. Of course, he meant this in reference to the importance of making good connections in business. . .I may have misconstrued it. . .twice.
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Dana the Biped June 18, 2012 at 12:51 pm

I’m printing that first one off as an inspirational poster and putting it in my aparment. Maybe that lazy woman who lives there will be motivated to wash the damn dishes, already.
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Misty June 18, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Using that first one on my kids.

And the first Unicorn one? I know so many of those damn people. Really sharp is what he means, right?

I feel deprived now that my parents never provided me with colorful sayings that I could turn into inspirational posters and then post them on facebook or some shit. Damn my childhood!
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Rachel June 18, 2012 at 4:26 pm

I was a very clumsy child (and am now a very clumsy adult), and anytime I would get hurt my grandpa would yell at me, “If you ain’t bleedin’ you ain’t hurt!”. I discovered that this was not true when I broke my elbow at age 9, and proceeded to tell everyone on the trampoline with me “No, I’m okay! I’m not bleedin’!” even though my elbow was basically broken in two and no longer visible on my arm. My grandfather also offered to cut my arm off when we found out I needed surgery to repair it, because surgery is expensive and my grandfather was nothing if not frugal.

I still have both my arms if anybody was wondering.

Dani June 18, 2012 at 5:22 pm

I have three boys and when they were little, one was an instigator, one was a cryer and a tattler, and the other one was constantly falling down and breaking parts of himself but not bothering to let me know until they started festering and turning gangrenous and then he’d be all, “Oh, you mean this? Yeah… I accidentally stabbed myself with a rusty fishing knife I found buried out back…”

The crying tattler, on the other hand, forced me to develop this phrase every time I heard him coming towards me with his familiar wail: “If you’re not bleeding, puking, or dying I don’t want to hear it.”

They promise me they are putting that on my tombstone.
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Stephanie June 18, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Every time mine come whining with some minor “ooh, have this really teeny, tiny scrape you need a microscope to see and I’m dying!!!” I always tell them the “rub some dirt in it”. Oddly, in my head I also always hear this in Peyton Manning’s voice as I’m saying this.

Johi June 18, 2012 at 5:19 pm

My husband is full of Father Time-erisms. I blame it on his John Wayne idol worship shiz and his undying love of the Westerns channel.
“She’s about as reliable as a screen door on a submarine!”
“You’ve really got a tiger by the tail!”
“I wonder what the poor people are doing today?”
He’s also good at describing people, “She’s a BEAST.” and “She’s a peach!” and “Hey butch!” (all used for women I know).
Naturally, all of this entertains me greatly.
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Jaime June 18, 2012 at 6:39 pm

those are great!
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Leo June 18, 2012 at 8:35 pm

In a perfect world every man would have a Noa in his family to love and cherish. I know how fortunate I am.

Valerie June 18, 2012 at 9:44 pm

That saying is true about pig fuckers. It just hit me like a ton of bricks. Explains so much in the world. So. Much.


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Mia Glover June 19, 2012 at 4:58 am

I love these images. The images are so powerful and majestic.
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Charli Cook June 20, 2012 at 10:39 pm

I agree, those images adds more beauty and interest to the post. And with the quotes makes more sensible. :)
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Molly Groman June 19, 2012 at 8:39 am

You have a very supporting step dad! It is really great to hear about his sense of humor! So how was your Father’s day? how did you eventually celebrated it?
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J June 19, 2012 at 9:00 am

My dad has quite a few, but my personal favorite has always been this one: “If it’s sympathy you’re looking for you can find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis.”
If I had a nickel for every time I have either heard or used that expression, man would I have a shit-ton of nickels.

Janene June 19, 2012 at 10:24 am

My Dad’s favourite way of saying “no” was to ask: Do chickens have lips.

To this day, it cracks me up. And I love tossing it around in the workplace! Oh, the looks!

Chooplah June 19, 2012 at 11:03 am

Did you google “popular myspace wall pictures” for your backdrops? Thank you for giving me seven perfect options for my next tattoo.

Great post.
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Jackie G June 19, 2012 at 8:28 pm

My dad thought he was just the most clever guy ever and when we’re younger if we were complaining about ‘being’ anything (“I’m thirsty, I’m hungry, I’m tired”) he would say “Hi thirsty, my name is Dad.” Just the best.

Also, he loved to say, “Someone opened the gate for the dickweeds” when he was around bad drivers. Which basically makes no sense but I love it.

My husband’s step dad ALWAYS says “Well I’ll be a suck-egg mule!” when he is surprised or astonished about something, and while I’m not quite sure what it means it sounds creepy.

Tim June 19, 2012 at 9:22 pm

My four favorites, all from various Georgian sources:
For responding to a confused look: “You’re looking at me like a dog looks at a ceiling fan.”
For something useless: “It’s like tits on a motor (decorative, but not functional).”
For vomiting: “Talking to Ralph on the big white phone.”
and: “Drunker than a boiled owl”

Dana June 20, 2012 at 12:40 am

My grandfather always told us to use our head for something other than a hat rack whenever we did something that he considered foolish or poorly thought out. So basically it applied to at least one of us daily when my cousins, brother and I were teens.

Allicia Tresch June 29, 2012 at 2:43 am

I love abrasive images. For me, my father is a responsible and supporter father. Those advices I got from him made me strong. So, my father is a great adviser as well.
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Anna Childs August 2, 2012 at 12:23 am

I love these images. There are so stunning. They looks so cute.
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