Leo is, perhaps, the funniest person in my family. I was cautious of him when I met him 3 years ago soon after he started dating my mom, and then I heard him say about one of the Kardashians, “She has a face only a mother’s dog could love,” I knew he would be amazing.
He’s been unequivocally supportive of my dumb ass trying to make a living being funny, even offering up name suggestions for future comedy albums like, “Alcohol Was Involved,” knowing that in my case, it usually is. He spares barbs for no one–everyone deserves to be told they’re being a dumbass now and again in Leo’s book. He’s the only man I know who can say, “I once threw an armadillo into a bar,” and not be bluffing.
For Father’s Day, here are a few of the best Leo-isms, presented with slightly less abrasive imagery.
Happy Father’s Day Leo. Thanks for being a constant source of, “Holy shit did he just say that,” entertainment for everyone.
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What’s the funniest Relative-ism (or friend-ism, or coworker-ism, or parrot-ism) that you’ve heard? Tell me about when it was said and who did it!
– Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Jen: ““Ain’t no one fuck with tiny hippo” is now my new mantra. Ain’t. No one.”
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I think some of the best advice my dad has ever given me is, “Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up faster”. This saying comes in very handy now that I am a parent and my kids are in the store begging for something they don’t need. It’s so much more fun than just saying no.
Meg recently posted..But Maybe I’m Crazy
I love the images and I enjoy reading the message on it.
Cassey Chalks recently posted..Tips That Will Help People With Prevent Arthritis Pain
Bwah ha ha ha ha fantastic. They’re all so…majestic.
Mayor Gia recently posted..The Futon of Death May Literally Be Trying to Kill Me
My cousin was once dating someone no one approved of. My grandmother, who has a country saying for every occasion, said “Well, love will go wherever it’s sent. Even up a pig’s ass.” Ever since, I have attempted to work that saying into conversation whenever possible.
It’s not often possible. I try anyway.
Amy recently posted..I don’t get my rabble-rousing tendencies from the neighbors, folks.
I’m replacing “If you lay down with dogs, you’ll wake up with fleas” with “For every pig, there is a pig fucker.”
Thank you, Leo. Everyone in my world will also thank you.
Dani recently posted..Remember the time I was awkward?
Oh, and my favorite “friend-ism” comes from my best friend, Kara: “Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke and butt-fuck ‘em if they can.”
It goes over well at parties when I think I’m hilarious and no one else does.
Dani recently posted..Remember the time I was awkward?
My grandmother: “You don’t eat when you’re hungry, you eat when it’s time.”
Her response to her grandchildrens vegetarian ways: “When I sit down to eat, I want a piece of meat.” She also referred to us a “goo eaters,” which was in reference to hummus, and is a term we still use to this day.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..The All-New Super Friends Round Up S2 Ep5A – “The Monster of Doctor Droid”
My mom was watching a TV show about pests or gophers or zombie crows, and she grumbled under her breath, “I’d just pop ‘em one between the eyes.” My grandfather wandered into the living room just a few minutes later, the epitome of crotchety old man, and yelled (not grumbled), “Why don’t they just shoot ‘em between the eyes! That’d take care of it!”
Jillian recently posted..Because Jeff Corwin Is A Wimp: A Father’s Day Post
My mom once cracked my shit up in church while they were talking about the Annunciation — y’know, when the angel comes down and tells Mary she’s going to have a baby. Mom leaned over to me and, totally serious, said “If you came to me with a story like that, I wouldn’t believe you either.” Thanks Mom!
Andi Davies recently posted..Sci Fi Sunday — Couch Surfing Edition
I’ve got a few from my dad:
If you’re going to Fuck me, at least give me the courtesy of a reacharound.
Go play lightning rod.
You lie like a rug and twice as flat.
I once had a horse like that. We shot her. (after any complaint)
My dad’s greatest advice was “It’s not what you know, it’s who you blow”. Of course, he meant this in reference to the importance of making good connections in business. . .I may have misconstrued it. . .twice.
Jen recently posted..Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken By Me and My Friends: Part 15
I’m printing that first one off as an inspirational poster and putting it in my aparment. Maybe that lazy woman who lives there will be motivated to wash the damn dishes, already.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Hops in the Right Direction: The Vow
Using that first one on my kids.
And the first Unicorn one? I know so many of those damn people. Really sharp is what he means, right?
I feel deprived now that my parents never provided me with colorful sayings that I could turn into inspirational posters and then post them on facebook or some shit. Damn my childhood!
Misty recently posted..Anatomy of a Day Off
I was a very clumsy child (and am now a very clumsy adult), and anytime I would get hurt my grandpa would yell at me, “If you ain’t bleedin’ you ain’t hurt!”. I discovered that this was not true when I broke my elbow at age 9, and proceeded to tell everyone on the trampoline with me “No, I’m okay! I’m not bleedin’!” even though my elbow was basically broken in two and no longer visible on my arm. My grandfather also offered to cut my arm off when we found out I needed surgery to repair it, because surgery is expensive and my grandfather was nothing if not frugal.
I still have both my arms if anybody was wondering.
I have three boys and when they were little, one was an instigator, one was a cryer and a tattler, and the other one was constantly falling down and breaking parts of himself but not bothering to let me know until they started festering and turning gangrenous and then he’d be all, “Oh, you mean this? Yeah… I accidentally stabbed myself with a rusty fishing knife I found buried out back…”
The crying tattler, on the other hand, forced me to develop this phrase every time I heard him coming towards me with his familiar wail: “If you’re not bleeding, puking, or dying I don’t want to hear it.”
They promise me they are putting that on my tombstone.
Dani recently posted..Fatty Gets A Clue
Every time mine come whining with some minor “ooh, have this really teeny, tiny scrape you need a microscope to see and I’m dying!!!” I always tell them the “rub some dirt in it”. Oddly, in my head I also always hear this in Peyton Manning’s voice as I’m saying this.
My husband is full of Father Time-erisms. I blame it on his John Wayne idol worship shiz and his undying love of the Westerns channel.
“She’s about as reliable as a screen door on a submarine!”
“You’ve really got a tiger by the tail!”
“I wonder what the poor people are doing today?”
He’s also good at describing people, “She’s a BEAST.” and “She’s a peach!” and “Hey butch!” (all used for women I know).
Naturally, all of this entertains me greatly.
Johi recently posted..Time oh time, where art thou?
those are great!
Jaime recently posted..just so tired
In a perfect world every man would have a Noa in his family to love and cherish. I know how fortunate I am.
Leo
That saying is true about pig fuckers. It just hit me like a ton of bricks. Explains so much in the world. So. Much.
Hugs!
Valerie
Valerie recently posted..My Stange Fear
I love these images. The images are so powerful and majestic.
Mia Glover recently posted..Secrets to Dealing with Hair Loss
I agree, those images adds more beauty and interest to the post. And with the quotes makes more sensible. :)
Charli Cook recently posted..find beach umbrellas
You have a very supporting step dad! It is really great to hear about his sense of humor! So how was your Father’s day? how did you eventually celebrated it?
Molly Groman recently posted..Your baby and its health
My dad has quite a few, but my personal favorite has always been this one: “If it’s sympathy you’re looking for you can find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis.”
If I had a nickel for every time I have either heard or used that expression, man would I have a shit-ton of nickels.
My Dad’s favourite way of saying “no” was to ask: Do chickens have lips.
To this day, it cracks me up. And I love tossing it around in the workplace! Oh, the looks!
Did you google “popular myspace wall pictures” for your backdrops? Thank you for giving me seven perfect options for my next tattoo.
Great post.
Chooplah recently posted..7 Amazing Uses for Vodka
My dad thought he was just the most clever guy ever and when we’re younger if we were complaining about ‘being’ anything (“I’m thirsty, I’m hungry, I’m tired”) he would say “Hi thirsty, my name is Dad.” Just the best.
Also, he loved to say, “Someone opened the gate for the dickweeds” when he was around bad drivers. Which basically makes no sense but I love it.
My husband’s step dad ALWAYS says “Well I’ll be a suck-egg mule!” when he is surprised or astonished about something, and while I’m not quite sure what it means it sounds creepy.
My four favorites, all from various Georgian sources:
For responding to a confused look: “You’re looking at me like a dog looks at a ceiling fan.”
For something useless: “It’s like tits on a motor (decorative, but not functional).”
For vomiting: “Talking to Ralph on the big white phone.”
and: “Drunker than a boiled owl”
My grandfather always told us to use our head for something other than a hat rack whenever we did something that he considered foolish or poorly thought out. So basically it applied to at least one of us daily when my cousins, brother and I were teens.
I love abrasive images. For me, my father is a responsible and supporter father. Those advices I got from him made me strong. So, my father is a great adviser as well.
Allicia Tresch recently posted..Dealing with Important Men’s Issues
I love these images. There are so stunning. They looks so cute.
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