Letters To Insufferable Members Of Society: Judgmental Party City Partycossiate

06/25/2012 · 63 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, Letters to Insufferable Members of Society, Psychological Warfare, What Is Wrong With You?

Dearest Judgmental Party City Counter Clerk:

Let’s be really clear here: your job is to scan and sell me merchandise from your den of iniquitous decor, and not to judge me on my life choices, which are admittedly sketchy.

I purposefully sought out your establishment, knowing that it would be the only store in Texas that sold the 5 incredibly specific items I needed. I didn’t need these things for a party or for my own perverse sexual thrill–I needed them for my fucking job. I came in for work supplies, and I left with a deep feeling of compunction.

Once I had waded through the bins of cold-formed asbestos slinkies, lead-filled paddle balls and cellophane life-affirmations, I waited for you at the counter for a few minutes while you helped a couple of fiancés locate their own asses and also the color-coded $5 chocolate hearts that I am sure are made of pure Belgian butthole. Not once–not even once–was I impatient or in any way showed that I was more entitled to Party City-cisstance than anyone else.

And yet, when you approached the counter, you took one look at my items, then at me, and asked, “Are you lonely?”

It was then that the gravity of the persona I was presenting made itself clear. I stood there in my Jem And The Holograms shirt and jeans with holes large enough to birth twins through, staring at my 5 absolutely necessary items: 2 miniature glitter cowboy hats, 2 squeaky snakes-in-a-can, and a single pack of Hello Kitty Play-Doh.

I can understand, given the data before you, why you would ask such a question. I felt the need to respond to you with the truth of my situation, hoping to clarify a silly misunderstanding.

“Oh no, no–these are for my job. I’m a comedian, and these are for a show!”

Truth, bitch. Represent.

You responded by slamming down the most judgmental stare I’ve ever been privy to while dropping one of my snakes-in-a-can, which punctuated our meeting with a most inappropriately hilarious squeakwheeze.

That is when the secondary gravity of the persona presented made itself clear. I looked like the world’s shittiest feminist prop comedian, with my holey jeans and tiny hats and phallic snakes-in-a-can.

I decided to be the bigger person and stop talking, knowing that there wasn’t anything else I could do to convince you that I wasn’t just the worst. I handed you my money and walked to the door to leave. That is when you decided to call out to me, “Good luck on your…show, I guess.”

Fuck you, Judgmental Party City Partycossiate. Fuck you to death.


Noa D. Gavin
Snake-In-A-Can Charmer, Miniature Glitter Cowboy Hat Wearer, Hello Kitty Play-Doh Enthusiast

Ever had something like this happen: grocery store with tampons and bolt-cutters or Wal-Mart with a belt and pain ointment? (Neither of which are absolutely situations I have been in myself) Ever been inappropriately judged by retail employees or the like? Ever been the judger? DO TELL!

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Jillian: “She is a teenager?! When I was a teenager, I thought that ponchos were a good idea.”
Front Desk Ninja June 25, 2012 at 3:08 am


I am so glad you wrote this. Also, I’m sorry for being absent in your comment life.
I know you noticed and you were hurt, but I promise to try and make up for it. I have two great stories for you.

In Which I Was The Judged:

It was about… a year and a half ago and I had the sneaking suspicion I was pregnant. So like any other stupid girl I went to the local Walmart, because they have the best selection. While getting a test, which I had no shame in holding, I also stopped to get some condoms because I was almost out. Yeah. Walked up to the counter with condoms and a test, and the girl (who was younger) paused, looked at me, then scanned the items and went to put them in a bag. I stopped her, told her not to bother because I planned on using one of those things right now.

She then asked which product I was using. I almost wanted to say the condoms just to see what the fuck she’d do. I didn’t, though, I said the test and after putting my receipt and condoms into my purse I went and peed on the stick. Yeah. Oh. She also wished me good luck.

In Which I Was The Judger:

Every single time a whore or dealer comes to check in.
When they make it so fucking obvious that they’re slinging their vagina’s or crack, I can’t help but stare at them with contempt and charge them $20 more than I would otherwise. I call it my Pain and Suffering fee. My boss calls it Extra Revenue.

Jen June 25, 2012 at 9:49 am

Oh Noa: I too have peed on a stick in a Wal-Mart bathroom. I too was judged, although probably more for the open 2 pack (with one missing) that I then proceeded to pay for. At the express checkout where of course I got the only older cashier and she was dutifully NOT IMPRESSED. I figured I’d take the test first and then I’d either be so happy or so terrified that the judgement wouldn’t bother me. And yet it did, a little, anyway. Bitch. :)

Jen June 25, 2012 at 10:09 am

I initially wasn’t cool with there being another Jen out here, but seeing as how you’re rad as shit, I’m completely OK with it now. :) For the record, never peed on a stick. It took a shit ton of doctors and lab technicians to knock my sorry ass up.
Jen recently posted.."Knock, knock! Who’s there? Cancer."

Jen June 25, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Yet another Jen with a similar story. I was one day late my sister SWORE it was b/c I was pregnant. I told her she was nuts so I went to Walmart at 10:30 at night to buy a test and some pads b/c I was low(and certain I wasn’t pregnant so I would need them). The cashier was an older woman and she said “Well that is quite a combo. I will just wish you good luck on whichever outcome you want.”. I was not amused.

Front Desk Ninja June 28, 2012 at 2:39 am

There are SO MANY JEN’S all up on this comment,
and so many stories about peeing on sticks in Walmart. I’m glad I’m not alone in this classy classy act.

Thank you ladies.
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Mayor Gia June 25, 2012 at 6:56 am

So rude! Well not with a purchase, but one time my friend and I went to lunch and split a few appetizers. We ate and when the waiter came back he looked at our empty plates and went “WOW you musta been HUNGRY!” Um, yeah? Also, it was only fucking appetizers, dickwad.
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Bill G. June 25, 2012 at 8:30 am

Smooth move, Clifford. Sounds like the kind of guy who would tell you that he had to quit carrying his nunchucks in his car because the cops were giving him problems.

CJ June 25, 2012 at 8:18 am

condoms, diapers, tampons.

Bill G. June 25, 2012 at 8:24 am

Sounds like the person who works there is the one with issues in life. Most of the shit that gets purchased out of places like that is for bachelor/bachelorette parties, gag birthday gifts, college girl driving past and deciding to try to freak out her bible-thumper roommate, shit like that.

When I was living in Idaho, I worked a job on swing shift. It was a weird schedule, work 7 days in a row then you get 4 days off. On the last night of swing shift, several co-workers and I, and our girlfriends, would always go out to a 24-hour truck stop on the edge of town and eat breakfast at 1:00 AM. The first time that we did this, two of the girls came out of the bathroom with funny sexual shit that they bought out of the vending machines in the bathroom for $1 each. They had the usual condoms but also little kama sutra books, French ticklers, all kinds of shit like that. Then everybody else went to the bathroom to see what they could find. We were passing them around the table laughing our asses off like the 20 year olds that we were. Believe me, you’re not going to offend the truckers in that place.

So then the waitress comes with our food and has a good laugh with us. She was really cool about it, as it should be. She was saying that the vending guy who comes around, collects the money, and restocks the sex machines is a total character. Wow, driving around the state with a car full of sexual shit restocking the sex machines at truck stops, I’ve always wondered what he would tell the cops if he were pulled over. The waitress also told us that some 9 year old boy on a roadtrip with his parents came out of the bathroom with some little sex book that he bought, brought it to the table, and said, “Mommy, what’s this?” Straight-laced mommy just about had a cow. This was in the 1980s. I’m sure all that shit is gone now. Nowadays, the place would probably be raided by the SWAT team, sued into oblivion for child abuse, and be re-opened as a flower boutique.

So the moral of this story is that everybody should be like the truck stop waitress. We always got her on our last-day-of-swings breakfast outings and she was really cool. She always had whacko stories about shit going on at the truck stop. If you think nothing happens in a small town in Idaho, guess again.

nadine June 25, 2012 at 8:37 am

When I was 18, I worked at a hair accessory kiosk at the mall. My boss was a nice lady in her 30’s who had an infant daughter. One day when she came in with a bunch of boxes from Chinatown of new hair clips to stock our cart with, she asked me to hold & walk around with her daughter who was cranky, and being walked around helped her.

So there I was a teen mall employee walking around aimlessly with a crying baby throughout the mall. Some smartass old man (OLD) walked up to me and made a comment about how didn’t I wish I’d kept my legs shut after all.

I MEAN HONESTLY. He not only thought that it was acceptable to say to a stranger, a young woman AT THE MALL but that somehow his comment would do what with my life exactly? I said “Fuck you, buddy, this ain’t my kid.”

Judgy people need to shut up.
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Bill G. June 25, 2012 at 9:30 am

This old guy is the load that his mommy should’ve swallowed.

Misty June 25, 2012 at 8:59 am

Oh Noa. Don’t you know that you could have just gone to a sex store and picked up all of those items? With much less judgy mcjudgeriness as well. And you could have added a dildo or 2 to that pile as well. You know, just in case you needed it for your, um “show.” ;)
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Mandi E. June 25, 2012 at 1:50 pm

I love sex shops. Even if there is absolutely nothing in the world that I think I want there, I will leave with something awesome. Or at least $47 worth of awesome somethings.
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Phenomenal Lass June 25, 2012 at 9:09 am

My friends and I have made a game out of embarrassing purchases (not that your purchase even remotely covered this). But tampons, condoms, pregnancy tests, etc? Totally fair game. The object is to bring the oddest pairing of things that you need up to the checkout to see if you can get a comment. My personal favorite? Condoms and bacon. I haven’t gotten a comment yet, but I have received the “Look of Judgement”.

My boyfriend bought condoms and ice cream. When the poor little checker asked him how his night was, he said, “Condoms and ice cream. How could this night be any better?” Poor little girl turned 4 shades of red and didn’t know how to respond to that.
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Bill G. June 25, 2012 at 9:38 am

Well played! I’m sure beer, KY, and Jello would be good.

Ivy June 25, 2012 at 10:11 am

1. I once bought bleach and champagne at the local CVS. When the checkout lady gave me the look, I said “it’s one of those days. You know?” She laughed uncomfortably.

2. I bring reusable bags to the grocery store. The lady who was cheerfully bagging while chatting to the checkout girl started stacking all of my items into plastic bags. I kept repeating “no plastic, please” over and over again, but she couldn’t hear me through her neverending stream of drivel. Finally I just shouted “NO PLASTIC LADY,” which unfortunately came out in a PUT THE FREAKING LOTION IN THE BASKET kind of way. At which point she verrrrrry slowwwwly removed the items from the plastic bag while maintaining eye contact like it was a hostage negotiation. I avoid that checkout line now.

Jen June 25, 2012 at 10:14 am

I judge the hell out of people based on the contents of their shopping carts. 90 pound girl with Digiornos pizza rolls and Haagan-Daas? Closet bulimic. Creepy dude with Visine and a shit ton of Sudafed? How’s that meth lab coming along? 43 year old man with a 6 pack and a stack of Lean Cuisines? Single and staying that way.
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Rachel June 25, 2012 at 10:26 am

Ugh, I always get judgemental looks and comments when I go to Goodwill. I buy crappy shirts and shorts from there for my boyfriend to do yard work and car repairs in. ONE TIME I bought him a dress shirt that I planned on dousing in fake blood (we were going to a Carrie-themed prom at Texas Frightmare Weekend) and I didn’t want to pay more than a few dollars for it or ruin one of his good shirts. I got tsk-tsked by the kindly old bitch working the register, and when I asked why she gave me a disapproving clicking sound (because I HAD to know and people never actually tell you why you’re being tsk-tsked unless you ask), she replied that I should be ashamed that I’m taking good quality clothing away from people who can’t afford to buy new things, unlike me. LADY, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. You’re here to ring up my purchases, not provide commentary. For all you know I’m giving this shirt to the homeless man that lives under the bridge so he can look spiffy when he’s panhandling (I wasn’t, but she didn’t know that. Or maybe she did and that’s why she was being all judgey and shit.). You don’t know what I can and cannot afford. I donate bags of clothing every single season when I go through and put away winter/summer clothes. I think I’m allowed to pay a few dollars for some damn clothes every now and then. Lord knows I’ve given Goodwill WAY more than I’ve ever taken. QUIT JUDGING ME, GOODWILL LADY!

Bill G. June 25, 2012 at 1:26 pm

And I thought the Goodwill was supposed to be all nice, religious, and non-judgemental. I guess that only goes for the homeless. If you’re gainfully employed, you should paint the fence in your Sunday best, dammit.

Lawmommy June 25, 2012 at 12:17 pm

By way of background, I am the white mom of a Vietnamese daughter, who came to me at the age of 4. She was very underweight at first, and is partial to existing solely on fruit, raw tomatoes and gum.

I discovered early on, in my effort to get her to eat more, that she would most meat and all vegetables if I put a mixture of hot sauce and sesame oil on her food. And hence I took myself off to the local Asian grocery to stock up on the big jars of srichacha sauce and the big bottles of sesame oil.

The store cash register is always staffed by a teenage kid who looks like he fell out of a J-pop video.

Anyway, after my third purchase of the large sesame oil bottle, the kid looked at me and said, “Lady, my mom is KOREAN and she doesn’t use as much sesame oil as you. What are you doing with all of it?”

I stammered that my daughter likes it on her rice and she doesn’t weigh enough, but to this day when I go in there I have the distinct feeling the kid thinks I have some weird sesame oil sex fetish.

Mandi E. June 25, 2012 at 12:35 pm

The 3-pack of pregnancy tests, a bottle of Jack Daniels, a box of bandaids, and a cucumber (Thank you for your versatility, Super Target!). The otherwise disinterested cashier took one look at my items, looked at me, and raised her multiply pierced eyebrow. I looked her in the eye and said, “precaution, celebration, rough weekend, and I’m hungry.”
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Chooplah June 25, 2012 at 1:42 pm

8 Tubes of Preparation H and a Twix. True story, but long explanation.
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Mandi E. June 25, 2012 at 1:58 pm

You win. I’m going to CVS on my lunch break to try this.
Mandi E. recently posted..Fairy Gardens and Seducing Kodiak Bears – These jokes write themselves.

Angela June 25, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Once upon a long, long time ago, I worked in a porn store. I started working there straight after college, as it paid more than any office job I could find. The very best day I ever had at that job was when Bob, the manager of the campus store I worked at during college, came in. He was well known at the campus store for being hyper-Christian, judgmental, racist as all get-out and “happily” married with 2 kids.

I was particularly pleased when I noticed the stack of videos he’d chosen were all gay, black porn :D I made sure to smile really big when I identified him by name and loudly asked how long he’d like to rent “Jamaican Me Cum.” He actually RAN from the store.

Andi Davies June 25, 2012 at 3:46 pm

According to the hospitality industry, hotel sales of pay-per-view porn always skyrocket when the Christian conventions are in town. It gives me the warm fuzzes to know this.
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Tracy June 25, 2012 at 3:57 pm

I know, right? Sometimes I listen to Christian talk radio for shits and giggles when I have to drive through middle of nowhere PA and the advice shows consistently take calls from women trying to get help with their husband’s addiction to online porn.
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Bill G. June 29, 2012 at 10:29 am

That is no joke, I’ve heard that before. Utah county has the highest percentage of mormons in the state of Utah. And guess which county buys the most pay-per-view porno?

What’s funny is being in a small town liquor store just over the Utah border and seeing two mormons run into each other buying alcohol. Awkward!!

Mrs. Jones June 25, 2012 at 2:00 pm

My husband once went through the Walmart check out with a tube of KY Jelly, a pack of diapers, ice cream, and a six pack of Natty Light.

Dani June 25, 2012 at 3:02 pm


Just… wow.

Worst shopping choices ever, in my lifetime:

Picture it:

Longs Drug Store, circa 1988.

Standing next to me and holding my hand was a two year old child. In a baby pack hanging down my front was an infant. In my cart were diapers, clothes hangers, a bottle of baby Aspirin, a six pack of beer, and a pregnancy test.

How do YOU spell “Homemade Abortion”?

I didn’t realize how bad it looked until the cashier, a kindly, middle-aged, church lady, said, “Honey, are you okay? Do you want me to call someone?”
Dani recently posted..It happened one Sunday…

Jillian June 25, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Toilet Paper, Coffee, and Beer.

I don’t know why the cashier was being judgey about that. Those are all of life’s necessities.

Andi Davies June 25, 2012 at 3:40 pm

I can’t remember ever being judged. I’ve bought pregnancy tests…and alcohol. Tampons and condoms. Toilet paper and sexy lingerie. Nobody has ever said anything. Maybe they’re all jaded around here, and I’d have to show up with helium and handcuffs to really get a reaction.
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Tracy June 25, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Good luck, I guess!?! Nice.

I joined some conference small talk already in progress. It was my boss, my contractor, and a random man I’d never met. My contractor started to talk me up to my boss. She said I was tough, but great to work with. She reiterated I was tough and kept them on top of their game. Random man I’d never met looks me up and down and then says, “Really? I don’t see that.”
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Lauren June 25, 2012 at 4:25 pm

A 36-pack of Bud Light and a log of cookie dough. The checker just looked up and asked, “Rough day?”

Jen June 25, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Years ago my sister and I went to lunch. She is thin and I am curvy. Our waiter came up and introduced himself. Then he made menu/drink suggestions. He told my sister he was certain she would love their BBQ bacon cheeseburger and it was great with a Root Beer. Then he turned to me and said “We have a lovely salad bar that people normally order with a Diet Coke or Water.” WTF asshat?! I ordered what I wanted and when I needed another drink, he said “You had a Diet Coke right?” I said no and he said “Are you sure? I was certain it was a Diet”. His ass got no tip.

Dani June 25, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Oh HAYELLL to the no!!!!

I went to dinner with my husband and ordered my usual diet Pepsi. The waitress ( a fat girl, who apparently felt it was okay for her to talk to me like I was her bff) said, “You know, you probably are chunky because you drink diet soda. I read the diet soda actually makes you fat. You should probably think about that. I quit drinking diet and now I only drink regular soda or tea.”


Her: *continuing to be helpful* “The stuff in diet Pepsi makes you crave sugar and it’s worse for you than poison.”


Her: “So what can I bring you?”

Me: *bursting into tears and making a scene*

We never went back.
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Bill G. June 29, 2012 at 11:22 am

For all these people know, maybe you just lost 100 lbs. and have 20 more to go to hit the goal weight. You’d think that people would re-evaluate their approach when it affects their pocketbook, but in the world of an idiot, it’s always somebody else’s fault.

When I was buying new kitchen flooring for my house, I told the salesman that “I have two cats, so I need to consider that.” (I don’t even remember what the exact conversation was about.) He told me that my best approach would be to take the two cats over to the bathtub and drown them. Dead serious! He had the nerve to act surprised that I was red-faced, chewing his ass out in front of a bunch of customers, and left in a huff.

Bill G. June 29, 2012 at 10:01 am

What a wanker. Here’s your tip, buddy: “Go stick your dick in the food procesor.”

LaurenO June 25, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Had to buy vodka today for vodka sauce. I had everything else at home but the vodka. Apparently buying ONLY a handle of vodka at 1pm on a Monday brings out a LOT of emotions, most of them conflicted, in a Target cashier. I left with a smile because at the end of our transaction he was SO proud of my high functioning alcoholism. Yay, someone’s proud of me!

Bill G. July 2, 2012 at 11:30 pm

Well played, too bad you weren’t buying some Wild Turkey or 151 rum.

Lovely Lewis June 25, 2012 at 4:58 pm

I love the thoughts that you would like to reached out. I like your post.
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Shelbie Loni July 3, 2012 at 1:19 am

This post really give a lot of thoughts and ideas. It gives individuals a chance to reach each other.
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Christine June 25, 2012 at 7:49 pm

By the time I got done with work, I was over an hour late and still had other chores to do. I decided to get my groceries the next day, but I wanted to hit Fred Meyer (Kroger’s) for the non-grocery items on my list. The Judgey McJudgersons in the electronics department were definitely eyeing up my cart–probably the multiple six-packs and the stack of infant toys and clothing for when my brother and SIL bring my niece up to visit next week. It doesn’t help that I’m 27 and still have trouble passing for 18; I made sure to announce my age very loudly as I handed my ID over, thus reassuring my fellow shoppers that I wasn’t an alcoholic teen mother.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd June 25, 2012 at 7:51 pm

I don’t like encouraging judgment, either. Every time I go to Trader Joe’s the cashier has to tell me what a great choice I made in frozen burritos or cashews. For awhile I thought maybe I was the greatest shopper on the face of the fucking earth but now I’m pretty sure they’re just trained to do that.
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Valerie June 25, 2012 at 9:58 pm

FUCK. THAT. BITCH. IN. THE. ASS. NO. LUBE. Not even spit.

Snakes-in-a-can are ALWAYS funny.


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Heather Chester July 19, 2012 at 8:16 am

Oh. Shit. You make me scream after the holy crap smile.
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Whitney Powel June 26, 2012 at 3:40 am

Great post. It is really better to join to some conferences so that it will give you more learning. I really like what you shared to us.
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Becky June 26, 2012 at 5:46 am

This is too funny Noa. I once checked out with a bunch of bananas, wood glue, condoms, and baby diapers. I wish I could have gotten a pick of the cashier’s face. She was an older lady and was so obviously trying not to be scandalized (and failing, may I add) that I barely got out of there before bursting out laughing.

Hey, there’s an award for you over at my blog:
Drop by some time and pick it up if you’d like.
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TheOtherLisa June 26, 2012 at 7:29 am

For the record, my daughter is over 21, about to graduate college and in a long term relationship. She “tagged” along with me to the store one day because she needed to pick up a few things.

She looks about 14 years old.

Her shopping consisted of a six pack of hard cider and a box of condoms. I thought the cashier was going to have a stroke.

Bill G. July 19, 2012 at 7:15 pm

That is great! By the way, I love hard cider (it tastes good and goes down easy, so it’s real easy to get sloppy on it).

Blizl June 26, 2012 at 3:54 pm

I pre-empted this purchase combination before it happened, but I think it’s still a worthy story.

My then-boyfriend had returned from a camping trip and wanted to reseason his cast iron skillet because it had rusted in several places. He had the steel wool to scour off the rust and old seasoning, but we needed a suitable fat to reseason with, as well as something to protect our hands from the shards of steel wool that inevitably result from the scouring process.

It’s worth noting that this ex lived on Castro Street. Yes, THE Castro Street, and we’re both avowed homosexuals.

On our walk down to the store we were reviewing our purchase plans when I said, “Sweetheart, if you think I’m going to a shop in the Castro with my boyfriend to buy only Crisco and rubber gloves, you’ve got another thing coming.”

Dani June 26, 2012 at 7:00 pm

That contains so much awesomeness I don’t even know where to begin.

I used to live on the corner of Polk and Post…. THE Polk and Post… and I have to admit that had I seen you and your boyfriend buying Crisco and rubber gloves, I would have noticed.

And giggled.

And then regaled my audience at Hamburger Mary’s with the story while I let tranny’s buy my underaged ass drinks because I gave them make-up tips in the bathroom.

Love it.
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Bill G. June 29, 2012 at 10:07 am

That is too funny. Throw in a 12-pack of beer and they’d be talking about it for a month.

Johi June 26, 2012 at 6:26 pm

I worked retail in a a tourist town for over 10 years and I never judged ANYONE. Except the people the didn’t fucking know their own shoe size (the percentage is shocking). And the people who asked to try on 3455 pair of $30 shoes and left without buying ANY. And the woman who walked into the store with her tank top pulled up over her boob. And anyone wearing shorts with a cowboy hat. And the people letting their carmel apple fingered kids run wild and touch the leather jackets and …. I hate tourists.
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Bill G. June 29, 2012 at 11:36 am

I heard that. When I vacation to the Oregon coast, my wife and I put a good effort into not being like that. Growing up in a tourist town has been a great guide on what not to do. There’s nothing worse than having the stereotypical Wal-Mart crowd coming through the door.

It’s really great when they point out loudly every last thing that is better back home. (So why the fuck are you here? Punch your home address into your GPS and drive like the wind, motherfucker.)

Zena Zee June 28, 2012 at 1:36 am

Once, I had a big exam, and to study, I always eat reese’s peanut butter cups. So after karate (the only way I can get away with eating candy while studying) I ran to grab a bag, and some tampons because I managed to get my period in the middle of class. While good to know the cramps were not from getting kicked so hard in the stomach, I did have the embarrassment of only buying chocolate and tampons.
I caught the clerk looking at the rack of chick flicks behind me like I should get a couple. Why are sniggering college boys always cashiering at kroger at 10 at night?

Scarlet July 2, 2012 at 12:20 pm

I was 7 months pregnant when we had a college graduation party for a friend. His wife asked me to bring beer. Never have I seen such judgmental looks as I did standing in the alcohol aisle of my small-town grocery store. Yeah, ’cause if I’m buying it I must also the one drinking it.

Nothing funnier than when my sister went to the pharmacy after her daughter was born to buy Depends because she’d heard that they worked better than those enormous pads most women wear after having a baby. In an effort to avert judgmental looks, my sister felt the need to explain in excruciating detail to the teenage male cashier why she was buying Depends. I do not know what possessed her to do this. I only wish I’d been there to capture in my mind the look of sheer terror that must have been forever etched on his face.

Bill G. July 3, 2012 at 8:20 pm

Oh man, I’m laughing my ass off at the visual of you buying beer while pregnant. You’re lucky somebody didn’t call the cops or get together a mom-posse and pull you into an intervention.

My wife occasionally has to buy piss pads for allergy season (sneezing causes the golden flow) or to watch a funny movie. And of course, the only checkout aisle open has some pimply kid or single-and-stayin’-that-way 35 year old guy giving her funny looks. I hope those fucks get the same looks when they’re buying vodka and a porno mag for the 363rd consecutive Friday night.

Stephanie July 3, 2012 at 8:27 pm

I was HUGE!!! Not even a possibility of “Hmm, she might just be fat.” I really was expecting to be dropped into an after-school special and that shooting star to appear over my head – “the more you know”!

Bill G. July 19, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Wow! I can just imagine people around you with lasers shooting out of their eyes.

Bill G. July 20, 2012 at 11:47 pm

Want to talk judgy, let’s talk judgy. Anybody who has a push-to-talk (walkie-talkie style) cell phone and walks around has conversations with it needs their ass kicked. Nobody wants to hear your fucking conversation at full-volume. The IT people at my company had those until the front-office, in one of their most brilliant decisions ever, banned their use. Whenever one of those computer-support fucks walked around all self-important with their phone blaring loud enough to wake the dead and them screaming their reply back, I wanted break beer bottles over their heads. (I don’t know what it is about having a conversation on speaker-phone the makes people go to full-volume on their voice.)

That shit encourages some serious workplace violence, they’ll never know how lucky they were to get banned. I’m surprised they weren’t getting their tires slashed in the parking lot or something.

Aly July 30, 2012 at 10:54 am

I was making a ton of cupcakes for a friend’s event and was short of butter, and while I was at the store, I ran into a type of wine I like and realized it was super-cheap.

So, me at Sam’s Club:
– 11 pounds of butter
– An entire case (8 bottles) of large-sized bottles of white wine

The cashier (with judge-y raised eyebrows):
“So… big weekend planned, huh?”

Melodie February 13, 2013 at 4:20 pm

Hm. Not sure if we were judged or not, since we running on little sleep and too much soda and were therefore very giggly and not paying much attention, but my friends and I did this crazy scavenger hunt last year the required:

Kale, maxipads, METRIC FUCKTONS OF SKITTLES, instant Jello mix, cucumbers, and spaghetti. And then we added on those pizza-bites things you makes in the microwave and un-HEALTHY amounts of Dr. Pepper.

Yeah. Come to think. We prolly got some stares. Worth it.

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