I Love You, Worst Things Ever

06/13/2012 · 46 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, I'm A Terrible Person

If you meet me in real life, I come across as pretty normal at first. I talk and move like a real person, I have a mouth and my eyes are mostly tracking movement well.

And then someone mentions one little thing that most people would let pass by. A little tidbit of factoids or a mention of how weird something is, and it becomes alarmingly apparent that I have some deeply harbored obsessions that I work very hard in hiding: my guilty pleasures.

Courtney Stodden

Jogging. No, for real, this bitch is exercising.

Courtney Stodden is a taint wart on society. Her fucking header doesn’t link back to her motherfucking home page (HOW HARD IS THIS TO ACCOMPLISH). She’s 17 and full of rampant daddy issues and a need to be nude and she deserves all the bad press she’s getting. I can’t stop wondering how she exists.

She’s a parody of a real person. She can’t stop taking her clothes off in the most inappropriate of times and manners. She can’t keep her twat from pulling her magnetically to a camera. And delightfully, she can’t stop tweeting, and I can’t stop following her unbelievably awful banter.

What in the shit is this, Stodden? You’re a teenager. NOT OKAY.

Oh Jesus Christ. You’re the worst, Courtney.

Please keep it up. You make me feel better about being me.

@yokoono

Say what you will about Yoko and John–she may or may not have ruined The Beatles, she may or may not have used a strap-on with John. The one thing we absolutely do know is that Yoko Ono is blissfully insane, and she loves to tweet that evidence out.

She regularly tweets out advice for living the most creative and wonderful life possible, which is easy for someone who has a shitload of money and yesmen to tell you how brilliant you are. I can’t stop loving how unbearably batshit she is.

Yoko Ono is friends with murderers. I read somewhere today that you will shake the hands of 40 men this year who recently beat off and didn’t wash their hands. I wonder how many of those men were wearing sunglasses. You should be afraid, Yoko.

Now I can’t borrow anything from anyone without wondering if semen has somehow touched it. Answer: probably.

Physics, Yoko. Imagined balloons do not lift weight off of anything, but it is really delightful to imagine you crying outside the Chrysler Building while shouting, “OH MY GOODNESS IT’S JUST GOING TO FLOAT AWAY.”

NO.

Now that we know Thomas Kinkade died so young and painted so terribly, I find this incredibly insensitive. Also, it’s FUCKING INSANE.

Follow her now. It’s so worth it. You will waste days reading her bullshit.

Terrible Music

Remember that scene in Ferris Beuller’s Day Off where he plays the coughs on the Casio? It’s so ridiculous and stupid, surely no one has ever released an album or nine of it, right?

I have a full iPod full of that shit.

My two favorites and constant Shitty-Day Playlist (because this exists, so nothing you produce could ever be this awful) are Rhythm and Mews and Jingle Babies because WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Linus And Lucy

Home On The Range

Jingle Bells

Silent Night

I know it’s terrible. I know it may be the undoing of my sanity and my inevitable descent into YokoDementia, but I love it.

Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction

Come, Number One

1) This show is hosted by William Goddamn Riker himself, Jonathan Frakes.
2) This show is fucking absurd

It’s B-Movie horror schlock at its finest, which you can expect by the dickload on Chiller. The premise of the show is to see 5 awful vignettes about paranormal occurrences, and then you decide if a story is true or not. FEAR NOT, because Number 1 is going to tell you what is true and what isn’t at the end of the show.

Surprise! You won’t give a shit because you will love every minute of it. It’s full of terrible acting, even worse story lines, and puns out your mother’s b-hole (“Will David fold this hand, or will he learn that in the worst of times, you have a hidden ace in the hole?”) I have seen every episode, and let me tell you–you will be fucking shocked to find out that haunted-ass milk can was a true story.

Plus, you get to see scenes like this one, presented without context for your enjoyment.

Weh Weh

I am fucking weird.

What are your guilty pleasures?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Dani: “I totally dodged a bullet in the Seaside Survival skills. I can’t tell you how many times I was stupid enough to go to the beach while ON MY PERIOD and didn’t even BOTHER to look for land sharks. Thank you Jesus. Tomorrow I become a nun out of gratitude… if I don’t become famous, that is, on my way to the convent.”
Mayor Gia June 13, 2012 at 6:24 am

Well, I just got cable last night for the first time in weeks. I immediately started DVRing Dance Moms. I kind of hate myself. Then I watched Teen Mom. Then I checked to see if those gypsy wedding shows were on demand (they weren’t!). Sooo….yeah. I can’t let Boyfriend find out about any of those things. It’s our little secret, internet.
Mayor Gia recently posted..And Then My Mom Stole My iPhone. But Not Really.

HeatherRose June 13, 2012 at 1:36 pm

I flipped on Dance Moms by accidents the other day – like really by accident, the remote was possessed or something. I ended up watching 2 1/2 hours straight of it, and let me tell you, Lifetime was at the bottom of my damned pyramid when the marathon was over…
HeatherRose recently posted..Giving in

Jen June 13, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Accident, my ass, Heather! You know you love Abby Lee– own that shit. The real question is, are you Team Chloe or Team Maddie?
Jen recently posted.."But Wait! There’s MORE!!!"

Meg June 13, 2012 at 6:28 am

My guilty pleasure, I love the shit out of the awful SyFy movies and yes, I watch Beyond Belief almost every time they have a marathon on Chiller. Another, I am currently loving The Wanted’s song, “Chasing the Sun”. I downloaded it and can’t stop listening. I feel like I’m too old to like pop music, but I just can’t help myself.
Meg recently posted..But Maybe I’m Crazy

Robyn June 13, 2012 at 7:20 am

Perez Hilton. ‘Nuff said.

Scarlet June 13, 2012 at 7:26 am

When my daughter was a newborn she loved waking up at 2am when the ONLY thing on was Dog the Bounty Hunter. I would DVR it so that I could finish watching when she was up again at 4am. One day I forgot to erase it and my husband was like, “Why is Dog the Bounty Hunter on our DVR?” and I said, “Hmm, no idea. It was supposed to record something else.” Also, I would watch 16 and Pregnant just to reassure myself that at least my life didn’t suck as bad as theirs.

Dana the Biped June 14, 2012 at 12:10 pm

That seems like really good advice if I ever have a baby…
Dana the Biped recently posted..Reason I Love My Job #172

Jillian June 13, 2012 at 9:51 am

When the Winter Olympics come around, I obsessively follow the Curling tournament. Perhaps it’s my inner old woman calling, telling me to take up shuffleboard.
Jillian recently posted..You Just Don’t Need To Know That

Ally June 13, 2012 at 10:51 am

I love curling too. Their outfits are amazing. Also, I may have a crush on the red head from the canadian team.
Ally recently posted..Only People who hate puppies leave me voicemail

Jillian June 13, 2012 at 6:28 pm

Red-headed Canadian curling player. That, right there, is a guilty pleasure indeed.
Jillian recently posted..You Just Don’t Need To Know That

Chooplah June 13, 2012 at 9:52 am

I took off work today just so I could read through the history of Yoko Ono’s tweets.
Chooplah recently posted..What to Expect on Your First Day at a New Job

Rachel June 13, 2012 at 10:05 am

There is one show that I watch when I’m feeling down – My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding. Prior to this show (thank you TLC!!!), I didn’t even know American Gypsies existed. I always referred to them as “Rednecks”. The more you know!

HeatherRose June 13, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Love this! I watched an episode the other day and spent the entire time trying to figure out how they were different from regular white trash.
HeatherRose recently posted..Giving in

Rachel June 13, 2012 at 3:52 pm

The only difference I can find is that the girls usually get married BEFORE they get knocked up at a very young age. Other than that, Gypsies = Rednecks.

Ally June 13, 2012 at 10:49 am

I love everything about Dog the Bounty Hunter. I know all about his dozen children and that nephew that lost a leg. I follow both Dog and Beth on Twitter and mainly they just get into arguments with people. It’s like a constant twitter trash fest.
Ally recently posted..Only People who hate puppies leave me voicemail

Kenny Boy June 13, 2012 at 11:02 am

I have watched Purple Rain more times than I can count. I watch The Three Stooges every Saturday morning on Crackle.com. I watch every Pawn Stars marathon they show. I regularly read beer blogs and try the beers they suggest, and I can’t honestly tell the difference in 95% of them. (Plus I have no fucking clue what they are talking about when they review them. “Pours the color of asparagus pee. The nose is a hint of banana with just a touch of dogshit.”).

My biggest guilty pleasure might just be Sweet Genius. I fucking love that show. Don’t judge me.

Jen June 13, 2012 at 11:17 am

My life is just one long guilty pleasure. I suck at being a grown up.
Jen recently posted.."But Wait! There’s MORE!!!"

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd June 13, 2012 at 11:38 am

So that was supposed to be baby sound Jingle Bells? My brain refused to assemble those noises to sound like Jingle Bells.

I like almost every song from the 1980s. That decade gets a whole pass from me.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Two Things I’ll Miss, The Thing I’ve Missed

Jaime June 13, 2012 at 11:51 am

I was following Courtney Stodden on twitter but it just got so ridiculous that I had to walk away… Back slowly away from the crazy.

I watch a horrible show called Jerseylicious… It’s like Jersey Shore but it takes place in a New Jersey hair salon.. There is no shortage of drama… It makes me feel better about my life simple because I know how to talk using proper tense and grammar.
Jaime recently posted..I’m not crazy… I’m born this way.

Dani June 13, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Holy shit… I just noticed she’s “jogging” in stripper heels. WTF??

And why would she defile her already hideously ugly dog by dying it… pink?

This is almost as bad as her Christmas “spread” (which couldn’t possibly have been more aptly named, considering she was spread-eagle in every. single. shot).

Oh, and according to her pimp… I mean, mother? Her tits are real. Because it’s important to know that.
Dani recently posted..Braless Days and Braless Niights…

Dana the Biped June 13, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Clearly Courtney read “How to Survive Anything – Just for Girls!”

Also, now that I think about it, just walking in motherfucking heels is hard work. *Jogging* in motherfucking heels while trying not to be knocked out by your own bubblies or blinded by your pikachu-pink (that’s a euphamism) dog probably *does* qualify as a total body workout.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Making your neighbors think you’re batshit crazy and/or stupid? Priceless.

Andi Davies June 13, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Whenever I have to do something sweet that I don’t want to do (address Christmas cards, write my mom, you name it), I put on a horror movie and pour myself a drink. I like the juxtaposition of blood and gore with “Dear Mom, what am I doing? Oh, nothing much.”

I have a total gross-out crush on Billy the Exterminator. I like to fantasize that he’s never met anybody as classy as me, and he would immediately fall in love and bring me possum carcasses.
Andi Davies recently posted..Doing ALL THE THINGS

Jana June 13, 2012 at 1:22 pm

I find that all the shows on the WB are my guilty pleasures as well as that shit like, “Wild Animal Handlers, or the one where the Redneck’s teach the models how to “noodle”. Holleee Shit, those are some serious HIlarious shows.
Jana recently posted..What happens at the cabin stays at the cabin…(pffttt, bitch, I’ve got a blog!!)

Ninja Mom June 13, 2012 at 1:42 pm

I do not make enough time to read your blog, which is a travesty of missed mirth. And here you are teasing me with Yoko “TimeSuck” Ono’s Twitter stream?

Damn you, Noa Gavin. You’ll make a 600-pound shut-in of me yet.
Ninja Mom recently posted..Rice Krispies Revenge

HeatherRose June 13, 2012 at 1:43 pm

I fucking love Courtney Stodden. She’s taught an entire generation about absolutely atrocious, accutely agonizing, assiduously assinine alliteration.
HeatherRose recently posted..Giving in

Handflapper June 13, 2012 at 1:50 pm

I haven’t read a blog in weeks and hardly tweeted (son is getting married at the end of the month and I’m having more to do with wedding preparations that any mother-of-the-groom should have to), but when I saw this I knew it was going to be so good I couldn’t pass it us. You did not disappoint, Noa.

Bad Girls Club, since Rock of Love is no longer on. I don’t know why I am so fucking fascinated by drunk ass hos cussing and slutting and bitch slapping each other. Mob Wives is good, for the same reasons and because those morons think they’re so classy and intelligent. And my guiltiest pleasure of all . . . Toddlers and Tiaras. I’ve been drunk, I’ve been a slut, I’ve bitch-slapped a couple of girls in my wilder days, but NEVER would I subject a child to that horror. Oh, it feels so good to judge!
Handflapper recently posted..Feeling stabby. YOU know how it is.

Banana Stickers June 13, 2012 at 2:17 pm

I’ll watch anything with Riker in it. His voice and super manbeard makes me feel safe.
Banana Stickers recently posted..Because I don’t want to be a Snatchel when I grow up

Dani June 13, 2012 at 2:34 pm

I can’t even begin to tell you how much I hate myself for watching Hoarders, Hoarding: Buried Alive, and Confessions: Animal Hoarders.

The more disgusting the environment, the more I feel as if it were an hour of my day well-spent.
Dani recently posted..No More Mr. Awesome

Rachel June 13, 2012 at 3:40 pm

When I watch any show on hoarding, I look around my house and think “Meh, it could be worse” and continue to be a slob on the couch for the rest of the day. It’s just one more show that makes me feel less sucky.

Misty June 13, 2012 at 2:44 pm

I don’t feel guilty about any of my pleasures. I watch more reality TV than is probably safe or advisable, and as much shit as my husband gives me for the crap I watch, I don’t care. I am a TV whore and am perfectly ok with that. What? You wanna go? Bring it!
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Boot~C June 13, 2012 at 4:03 pm

I have way too many guilty pleasures since I am currently a member of the ‘leisure work force’, but my nephew & neice(11 & 9) love Beyond Belief & we watch it faithfully every afternoon @ 4:00. p/s you totally forgot James Brolin also did a hosting gig on BB. & truthfully, we do like several of the shlocky marathons on chiller, G Unit & Freakylinks for example, of course, I watched them ALL the first time around as well!
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Susan H. June 13, 2012 at 6:14 pm

I shamefully admit to watching the hot mess that is Toddlers & Tiaras. *hangs head*

Tracy June 13, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Have you heard Yoko’s “People of Earth…how are you?” address? So ridiculous.

I love old game shows. When our cable company picked up The Game Show Network, I worried I’d never get sick of Match Game reruns (the answer is always bazooms!). I have the Card Sharks, Pyramid, and Price is Right theme songs on my iPod.

When I was a kid, I kind of enjoyed watching PTL. I am not at all and never was religious. I can still sing the theme song. Loved me some Tammy Faye Bakker.
Tracy recently posted..If I Wanted to Read, I’d Go to School

Jen June 13, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Hello, my name is Jen and I am a terrible TV addict. I watch Dog the Bounty Hunter regularly. I’m sure I will start going through withdrawl soon b/c it has been cancelled. I also watch Hoarders b/c it makes my house looking fucking immaculate even on a bad day and My Strange Addiction b/c I feel like the most normal person in the world after watching it. I may have some days where I never made it out of PJs and cry a lot but at least I’m not in a romantic/sexual relationship with my car, brushing my teeth with my own urine or drinking gasoline.

Jackie G June 13, 2012 at 8:30 pm

The best thing about Courtney Stodden other than her complete lack of morals is the fucking gold UPPER ARM BRACELET she wears in every picture. Big hair, pale pink semen lipstick, stripper heels, and gold upper arm bracelet. Perfection.

I watch teen vampire shows. And Pretty Little Liars. Sorry I’m not sorry.

Valerie June 13, 2012 at 8:56 pm

I was at a book store the other day, and came across Yoko’s book. That fucking thing didn’t make a lick of sense. And the pictures looked like a cat fucked a piece of paper. Yea, I know. It doesn’t make any sense.

Also, if it’s one thing I’ve learned from CSI, it’s that the entire planet is covered in a thin film of semen.

Hugs!

Valerie
Valerie recently posted..My name is Valerie Nunez and I’m a Draw Somethingaholic…

Sarah June 14, 2012 at 10:04 am

I freaking love Beyond Belief, and was watching it just the other day. I got my kids hooked on it. Honestly, is there anything better on boring summer afternoons? Not really. Unless you can catch some old Unsolved Mysteries.

And this is how you know you are a good parent.
Sarah recently posted..Days 2, 3, and 4. And #OperationPlayMore. All In One Post. Because I can.

Tans June 14, 2012 at 10:22 am

I am the worst kind of guilty pleasure television-watcher, because I outwardly condemn 99% of them. While I will admit to not being a fan of anything Bachelor/ette, Dancing or Singing or doing Macrame with the “Stars” (and I use that word lightly as half of these people had their 15 minutes of fame while I was still in high school 2 decades ago), nor do I care about the “Real” housewives of anywhere. Honestly, give those bitches a bank account that’s down to 2 digits before and after each decimal point by the time payday rolls around next, and that would make it a lot more real.

All of this, however, does not matter if I’m flipping channels and come across…I can hardly bear to type this… Teen Motherfucking Mom.

I have no idea what it is about a bunch of easy girls who got knocked up and their mostly Neanderthal baby daddies that is such a draw. Maybe because I would have gotten my ass kicked to the next county and back had I ever told my parents I was pregnant at 16, that I stare in amazement that no one is being grounded for life. The other part is wondering how in the hell some of these people were found sexy enough by someone else to even do the deed. I know, teenage hormones and all, but DAMN. Half of them need to buy in to the ProActiv treatments they show non stop during the mom-athons and the other half need rehab.

So yes. I hereby declare Teen Mom to be my guilty pleasure. (even though I will switch the channel faster than lightning if my husband is coming in the room. I can’t risk ruining the perfect vision he has of me with a television show. Har.)
Tans recently posted..It’s not an after school special PSA, but you need to know it anyway…

Allie June 14, 2012 at 2:09 pm

If there is a shitty reality show featuring any C-List celebrity doing anything, I will watch it. As I type, Don’t be Tardy for the Wedding is playing on my TV. I’m not proud of this at all. But goddammit Kim Zolziack is getting married, and I need know if her 3 wardrobe changes will transition as seamlessly as planned.

Also, if Courtney Stodden can prove to me she is 17, I will suck the dick she undoubtedly has duct-taped to her thigh. You’re not foolin’ us, bitch!
Allie recently posted..Maybe Child Abuse Isn’t that Bad After All

Erica Smash June 14, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Courtney is really a wild girl. For sure many boys adore her and follow her tweets…
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Irene Ortiz June 26, 2012 at 9:35 am

I agree with you. Courtney is absolutely wild woman. She is so sexy while taking an exercise.
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John Terry June 24, 2012 at 2:58 am

Courtney has very strange habit but I like following her though….
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Keisha D. June 25, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Beyond Belief was my favorite show as a kid. No joke. Scared the hell out of me. Ghosts killing kids in closets, bullets stuck in trees kills a man chainsawing the tree down. Omg, where did they find this stuff?

My guilty pleasure is Korean dramas. I’m addicted to the dramatic, romantic, bitch-slapping craziness.
Keisha D. recently posted..World Refugee Day 2012 – The Big Picture – Boston.com

Bill G. June 30, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Courtney Stodden does not look 17. She looks like a 35 year old trying (and failing) to look 17. Fucking weird.

I’m sure she married this 51 year old thinking, “He’s really old, he’ll die soon, and I’ll make off with all his money, haha!!” Good luck with that. I’ll bet you a hundred bucks that every time she’s out in public hanging off the arm of this idiot, she’s wishing that she’d latched onto a 25 year old surf-punk trust fund baby with some real money instead of some washed-up Z-lister who isn’t a tenth as rich as he pretends to be. I’m sure she’s plotting his “accidental” death as we speak.

Melodie February 14, 2013 at 10:24 am

Ancient Aliens.

No. You don’t understand.

Aliens.

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