Funny Bitch Friday: A(n)nals of Online Dating

06/08/2012 · 24 comments

in Funny Bitch Friday

My anniversary was not too long ago, and when Adrian and I were knee-deep in our 4-hour 30 Rock Marathon over Domino’s and Blue Bell Ice Cream, I realized that there is no one else I’d rather be with in the world. We may not be romantic, or intentionally matchy (we do that by accident, I swear), but we fucking work.

Also, I don’t have to date anymore, and that’s pretty great, considering blogs like A(n)nals of Online Dating exist.

AOD receives the real-life online dating messages and profiles, and grades them. Holy shit you guys, there are some fucked up people in the world. Some goddamn racist-ass, creep-fuck weirdos–all of whom want to find love with other racist-ass creep-fuck weirdos.

I know lots of people who have found wonderful love and friendship in online dating, and while I was impressed in their matches before I read AOD, now I’m miracle-impressed. If these are the people to be waded through, then high-fives all the fuck around for finding The One.

To Be Fair, All The Mayonnaise We Eat Makes Us Extra Gassy

“Horror All The Way” Is The Most Accurate Thing You Said Here

And My Ninth-Favorite Racial Fetishizer Won’t Stop Messaging Me

Sorry That Your Online Dating Has Distracted You From Your Busy Life Hate-Fucking A Blow-Up Doll

At Least He Puts His Best Foot Forward (Sort-Of NSFW)

So Classy I Use A Solid Gold Vibrator

Sorry, I Only Indulge In The Fetishes Of Men Who Spell Out All Of Their Words

I need a shower. And a hug. And cake?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Nadine: “People who announce they are deactivating their twitter/facebook account should never be allowed back. Two months later when they come back and post that “i’m here, no more drama please” post, I just wanna show up at their home, throw their computer against the wall and punch their face in twice and yell HOW’S THAT FOR DRAMA? GOOD ENOUGH?”
Kelly June 8, 2012 at 6:19 am

That first one – it’s like it was written for me. I’m going to have to leave my husband and find that guy. Thanks, Noa, you crazy matchmaker.
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Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Bring baby wipes.

Mayor Gia June 8, 2012 at 6:37 am

Hahahha oh online dating. Especially the free ones. A regular circus of freakshows.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Boyfriend is My Hero Part II!

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Bringing the weird to the weird since 1990.

Dana the Biped June 8, 2012 at 9:01 am

You know I’m recently single, right? And here I thought I was depressed before…
Dana the Biped recently posted..Read This: Fairest by Gail Carson Levine

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Oh…um….good luck out there?

Lacey June 8, 2012 at 9:06 am

Hahahaha! Great!
Lacey recently posted..Our Kind of Pillow Talk

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Why thank you!

Janene June 8, 2012 at 9:23 am

Apparently my workplace deems the entire website as having content that is “inappropriate”. So now I have to wait until I get home to view the awesomeness. I don’t know if I can stand the suspense.

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:13 pm

I hope it was as good as you were expecting!

Symplicite June 9, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Wow. Words fail me. No wait, scratch that. I’ve been on the internet long enough not to be surprized by anything. And yet, this is a damn close second.

Mandi E. June 8, 2012 at 11:55 am

“You are a classy woman but you need a little dickin on the side just like everyone else.”

I’m pretty sure that I wrote a similar ad back when I was single, only without the hateful scorecard. Mine was actually a Best of Craigslist. It is my favorite secret shame. You know, if I had shame…
Mandi E. recently posted..Our mighty warrior cat is a flaming princess.

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:15 pm

I had no idea, until I read this, that anyone needed a little dickin on the side.

Jillian June 8, 2012 at 12:46 pm

I don’t have any cake, but I do have a large strawberry-rhubarb crisp which I am eating by myself with a spoon as I read and confirm that all of my life decisions up to this point are actually quite healthy.
Jillian recently posted..Schmupcakes

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Feels good to know you’re not that fucked up.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd June 8, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Wait a second, I’m in my 30s and don’t have a little somethin somethin on the side. I didn’t realize it was a requirement for my age group. I’ve learned so much.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..More Facts and Tidbits about 1980s Songs I Made Up

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Get your ass out there and get some side-dickin.

Chooplah June 8, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Being a strong white lady, I went out with #1 a few times. He didn’t want kids, though, total dealbreaker. Just when you think you’ve found the one…
Chooplah recently posted..A Dater’s Guide to the San Francisco Metro Line

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:17 pm

you fart on his mom?

Rachel June 8, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Now I can’t decide if I’m thankful that I’m not single, or if I’m upset that I’m not single. Maybe a little of both.

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Sometimes I’m sad I can’t date these people for comic material.

Valerie June 8, 2012 at 11:15 pm

Fuck it… I WOULD step barefoot on a cake…

(Call me.)

Valerie

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:19 pm

It depends on the cake. Ice cream cake? NO. Sam’s sheet cake? Yes, after I eat half of it.

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