And The Lord Wrote, “LMFAO,” And Saw That It Was Kind Of Okay, I Guess

06/06/2012 · 77 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person, What Is Wrong With You?

What YouTube Wrought, YouTube Can Also Take Away

For every stroke of brilliance on YouTube that earns someone a new career or an outlet or a little bit of recognition for an unbelievable talent or skill, there are hundreds of videos of dogs shitting painfully while barking at their buttholes.

It’s Newtonian: for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Susan Boyles have their Masked Sheep. Garfunkel and Oates has their Lit Farts. Baby Laughs have Babies Doing Anything Else (Seriously, Babies Are Pretty Boring, You Guys). It might be a beautiful system if it weren’t for hundreds of videos of people fingering their bellybuttons.

#Thou #Shalt #Not #Abuse #Hashtags

What you do in the privacy of your own Evernote is your business, but for the love of all that is holy, you do not need to tag that photo on Pinterest or Facebook or as #pretty #funny #lady #boner #scrapbook #quilting #neckfuck #crafting #diy. You can have two. Anything more than that is #twatwafflery.

Thine Header Must Link Back To Thine Homepage

Why display this wondrous creation of Adobe Illustrator and place it in the upper left corner and then not link that bitch back to the homepage? Did you know that every other website on the internet does that, and that by defying this convention, you aren’t bucking the system like a masterful Martin Luther of WordPress, you’re just being a twatwad?

Imagine going to someone’s home, going to the bathroom, and then through a series of confounding hallways, being completely unable to reach the front door ever again except to travel through all rooms in a random order. It’s absurd, and so is a lack of header linking.

God help you if your header doesn’t link back and you don’t have a home button either.

Judge Not Thy Neighbor’s Pinterest

Just because their pin says Jesus or Bible or Abstinence or Liberal or Chickendick does not mean it is your spotlight purpose to educate them about the error of their terrible ways, whether it be pro- or anti- chickendick. It’s just a place to put pictures of nice things. Shouting at someone on Pinterest is just like grabbing someone’s scrapbook, finding a photo that you don’t care for, and then taking a dump on that picture after pleasuring yourself sexually with it. You’re really the only one embarrassed there.

Thus, The Open Letter Was Banished 

It’s not “An Open Letter to The Childless.” It’s, “A Passive-Aggressive Ploy For My Whiny Ass To Your Non-Fucks-Giving Ass.” Especially when writing a vitriol-laden Open Letter, you’re essentially just saying, “Hey, I’m mad at you, but not mad enough to fix it. Only mad enough for attention from others!”

Letters are inherently open, especially when posted online. You’re allowing anyone to read it by writing it on your blog and titling it Open and then promoting it on Facebook. Just say, “Dear Wendy’s,” or “Hey You, Lady Gaga.” Or, you know, just write a goddamn letter.

TextSpeak Must Not Emerge From The Mouth Of Any Man

There are virtually no products on the market today that lack a full keypad. There is no reason for TextSpeak to exist. No excuses.

Oh Noa stands strong for Full Sentence Dependence.

The Gravest Of Sins Was Intentional Blog Stutter For Emotional Impact

One

Line

At

A

Time

Through

All

My

Posts

I

Tell

My

Story.

Not anymore you don’t, chucklefuck. It’s not profound, it’s online stuttering. It’s not emotional, it’s the ruination of reading comprehension. It’s not unusual or edgy, it’s just shitty editing. Paragraphs are literary conventions to be embraced and held dear and used often, like a favorite heart-covered dildo. One line paragraphs should be the accidental orgasm on a train, unexpected and a pleasantly rare surprise.

And Lo, The Lord Said, “Repost If You Love Hotdogs.” 

I can’t find a single person alive who thinks that, “Repost if you hate/love ________,” is a useful tool for recognition of morals in others. Not a single person, but there it still sits, all over everyone’s Timeline and Feed. It’s a daily dose of self-righteousness that reminds your friends just how loosely you swing with that ‘share’ button.

We get it, you like things, and other people should like them too. Everyone loves candy and rainy days and sunshine and puppies and vaginas, everyone remembers the 80’s and hairspray and that cartoon we all like, and no one thinks child abuse or rape or murder or genocide or famine is awesome.

Unless you’re friends with Hitler or Stalin or the Jong-Uns.

Commie Reposting Bastards.

Any other Internet Sins I have neglected?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Kablooey: “Um… don’t stare directly into the Sun. Still a winner.”
Mayor Gia June 6, 2012 at 6:49 am

What about motherfucking CAPTCHA?! Thou shall disable CAPTCHA on their blog. Because holy shit, I do not enjoy spending 20 minutes trying to publish a comment going “is that a lowercase L? or an uppercase i? Or shit, is it the number 1??!?!?” TURN IT OFF.
Mayor Gia recently posted..First World Problems and Zombies

Jayne June 6, 2012 at 8:04 am

Aaaaaaaaaamen.
Jayne recently posted..One of Us Isn’t Leaving Here Alive

Jen June 6, 2012 at 9:31 am

I get a shit ton of spammer comments on my blog but it’s still easier for me to hit “delete” than for my readers to try to decipher some Cryllic skullfuckery when they want to comment. CAPTCHA can suck it.
Jen recently posted.."I Believe I Can Flyyyyyyy!"

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Spammers are getting smarter and smarter these days. Even they beat captchas.

Mandi E. June 6, 2012 at 12:46 pm

I just hate people who can’t figure out how to set up your captcha so that it shows all letters or all numbers, or all puppy farts. It’s not that difficult.

Also, captcha is an evil necessity for me. When you blog about very specific types of dildos and fucktards, you get a staggering amount of “cross promotional” spam. Seriously, the guy who wanted to promote his electric razor with the same blog that talks about 2stroke dildos has his priorities WAY out of order.
Mandi E. recently posted..I voted… but I would rather have punched someone in the face.

Jaime June 6, 2012 at 5:38 pm

I understand the need for captcha’s .. but could they fucking make some semblance of sense? Half of the fucking time they are indecipherable and I end up going through about 4 of them before I’m finally able to comment.. it’s at that point that I don’t even care if I leave a comment at all.
Jaime recently posted..decisions, decisions

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:14 pm

I’m with you on this, Jaime. There are 2 kinds…the actual Captcha that has real words, and the ones with all the letters and numbers just really fucking close together and all backgrounded and fucked up.

No one can read the latter. No one.

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:12 pm

AAAAUUUGHGHH CAPTCHA.

My favorite is the audio one. WHY?

Jillian June 6, 2012 at 7:25 am

If Facebook has taught me anything, it is that the best way to declare myself anti- cancer/domestic abuse/pollution/religious terrorism/obesity/paper cuts is to post such a statement on my Timeline. I went years without realizing this, so now everyone thinks I support those things. It really eats at my soul some days, to have people sitting on their computers thinking, “Wow, I can’t believe Jillian hasn’t posted about how she hates paper cuts! That bitch!” Maybe if someone had written an open letter explaining things, my life would have turned out differently.
Jillian recently posted..Schmupcakes

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:18 pm

With a jpeg consisting of only text.

FUCK THAT NOISE.

I knew someone once who really held me accountable for being a home-abortioner when I didn’t like her stupid statuses. OH MAN, COLLEGE RIGHT?

Misty June 6, 2012 at 7:52 am

For the record . . . I am pro-chickendick, but anti-vagina. Just thought you should know. Oh wait, I guess I should post it on my timeline and guilt people into passing it around for it really to count, right? Then I’ll get into heaven.
Misty recently posted..And the Golden Globe Goes To . . .

Dana the Biped June 6, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Are you saying you vote Republican?
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Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Nailed it.

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:19 pm

I’m anti-chickendick.

Hell it is, then.

Lady B June 6, 2012 at 8:34 am

Sweet Mothers of Whores, I hate hashtags. And I hate people who use hashtags on Facebook because they saw it somewhere else and thought “What a kickass way to let other people know I’m an idiot while also displaying my passive aggresive judgement on others for judging me”.

I need to go lie down now.. I’m all riled up.
Lady B recently posted..I love all dogs. Except the kind of dogs that want to murder us with machetes.

Eleanor June 6, 2012 at 9:34 am

Amen! Hashtags started as a Twitter thing. They are a Twitter thing. They serve a purpose in Twitter. Twitter reads hashtags and creates something out of them. Everywhere else, they are just fucking annoying. Facebook, Pinterest, Tumblr, et all, do NOT have this ability. It just makes it look like you are trying different things to see if you’re cool. You’re not.
Eleanor recently posted..Off the Cuff Stuff

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:20 pm

#Whut.

Jen June 6, 2012 at 9:45 am

My favorite is when the Twitter hashtag is longer than the actual goddamned message.

“I’m tired”

#OMGIHateMondaysLikeThatGuyInOfficeSpaceWhoHadACaseOfTheMondaysAndWasntThat TotallyLikeTheFunniestMovieEverExceptForJenniferAnistonBecauseSheAnnoysTheShitOutOfMe
Jen recently posted.."I Believe I Can Flyyyyyyy!"

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:21 pm

I love them. LOVE. I’m a joke-hashtag whore.

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:20 pm

@Lady B: Hashtag abuse is rampant and awful. I can understand when people have Twitter connected to Facebook, but PINTEREST? NO. STOP. ENOUGH.

Rachel June 6, 2012 at 9:29 am

People shouldn’t be allowed to post pictures on Facebook that they took themselves with the aid of a bathroom mirror. Everytime I see one of those pics I think, I wonder if they took this pre or post shit. Because let’s be honest, the only time people take their phones into the bathroom is when they have to drop a deuce.

Eleanor June 6, 2012 at 9:38 am

Why not? If you have no one else to take a picture of you and you HAVE to have a picture of yourself and your only mirror is in the bathroom, it makes total sense.
Eleanor recently posted..Off the Cuff Stuff

Jen June 6, 2012 at 9:46 am

I can’t imagine any scenario when you need a picture of yourself RIGHT NOW, unless it’s to email a picture of that questionable mole to your dermatologist.
Jen recently posted.."I Believe I Can Flyyyyyyy!"

Rachel June 6, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Or maybe if you’re sexting. It’s okay to take pictures of your naughty bits in the bathroom mirror if you’re sexting (although I’m not sure how sexy that actually is – I fail at sexting). But that stuff doesn’t get posted to Facebook. Or at least it shouldn’t.

Eleanor June 6, 2012 at 10:41 pm

I live alone, and as me and most of my friends are regularly busy if I want to take a picture of say a new hairstyle or something, I have to take it myself or it doesn’t get done. Once I fucked up a dye job on my hair so bad I had to take a picture to share, but needed to fix it before I went anywhere public. I would say that is justified. I could have skipped the pic, but where would be the fun in that? You have no imagination.
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Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:22 pm

@Eleanor: True, but why post to Facebook?

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:22 pm

@Rachel: Or, from up above themselves. You ain’t fooling anybody with camera angles, bitch.

Jen June 6, 2012 at 9:50 am

Thou shalt not copy someone’s blog post and paste it directly to yours. Not that it happened to me or anything. Oddly enough someone thought my experiences with my ex-husband were so magical that she wanted to claim them as her own. I had to go through 11 years of bullshit for that blogging material and she got it in about 30 seconds. Lucky bitch.
Jen recently posted.."I Believe I Can Flyyyyyyy!"

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:24 pm

I’ve been pretty lucky about that (as far as I know). I don’t know the kind of Hell I would unleash of someone just decided to fucking steal my stuff.

Chooplah June 6, 2012 at 10:58 am

Babies are the worst! An open letter to babies…
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Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Babies are fucking awful.

nadine June 6, 2012 at 12:20 pm

People who announce they are deactivating their twitter/facebook account should never be allowed back.

Two months later when they come back and post that “i’m here, no more drama please” post, I just wanna show up at their home, throw their computer against the wall and punch their face in twice and yell HOW’S THAT FOR DRAMA? GOOD ENOUGH?
nadine recently posted..Disconnected.

Mandi E. June 6, 2012 at 12:41 pm

I love you. That is all.
Mandi E. recently posted..I voted… but I would rather have punched someone in the face.

Gena June 6, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Yes. This x 1,000,000 infinity.
Gena recently posted..Stand and deliver, you’ve been running all your life

iampisspot June 7, 2012 at 5:08 am

YES.

This also goes for the people who announce in their Facebook status that they are having a friend cull, whilst passive agressively warning everyone that they might not ‘make it’.

WHO GIVES A FUCK IF YOU DE-FRIEND ME, YOU FUCKING FUCKTARD.
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Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:27 pm

If I have to fight to be one someone’s Facebook friends list, I need a goddamn hobby.

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:26 pm

@Nadine: That’s the equivalent of “I’m taking my Barbies and LEAVING.” Okay, cool. No one fucking likes you anyway.

Mandi E. June 6, 2012 at 12:49 pm

I am a huge proponent of the “Thou shalt not vague-book or I’ll stab you in the eye with a car key, you vapid twat” initiative. You just wasted 10 seconds of my life debating with myself over WTF your problem is and you killed about a million of my braincells in the process. Now I’m only as smart as you. Great.
Mandi E. recently posted..I voted… but I would rather have punched someone in the face.

Xay June 6, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Mandi, I don’t know you, but I think I just fell in love with your paragraph. Will it marry me?

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:29 pm

A while ago, I started guessing people’s problems when they Vaguebooked. MUCH more fun that way. they usually block me then.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd June 6, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Everyone can’t have the best husband/sister/mom/dad/children ever. Chill the fuck out.
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Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:29 pm

BUT I DO. MY KID SHITS.

Dana the Biped June 6, 2012 at 2:41 pm

DON’T SHOUT AT ME MOTHERFUCKER!

(Also known as, “Thou shalt not abuse caps lock.”)
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Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:30 pm

I am an abuser of Caps.

NO REGRETS.

Haley June 6, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Next time Facebook changes it’s layout it needs to give us an option where we can categorize our friends. The girls that get into Facebook fights go into one group, the attention whores go into another group, and the people with horrible grammar go into another group. That way, if I’m having a particularly shitty day I can bust out the girls that “wnt 2 see da movie wit there peeps” to remind myself that although I may have sent myself rocketing face first into my dresser this morning, at least I don’t have bad grammar. For the love of God. You are a high school graduate. If you think “tomorrow” is has an ‘A’ in it, you need to be beaten with a sack of dicks.
Haley recently posted..I hope your character traits skip a generation.

christine June 6, 2012 at 5:28 pm

AMEN! They can all rot in hell with the people who pronounce library “liberry”.

Jaime June 6, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Haley.. I think I’m in love with you.
Jaime recently posted..decisions, decisions

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:31 pm

My God. You’re a genius. Did Facebook hire you yet?

Haley June 11, 2012 at 12:35 am

Sadly, they have not.. but if my ideas are ever taken into consideration and I become rich I’ll write a book on how to not be an internet asshole and dedicate it to you. #genius #facebook #idea #job #whoneedscollege? #ihatehashtagassholes
Haley recently posted..I hope your character traits skip a generation.

Faia Cage August 6, 2012 at 12:31 am

I like your idea Haley. I hope you can purse and write a book.
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Clifton June 6, 2012 at 4:23 pm

chucklefuck is my new favorite word.

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:32 pm

You silly chucklefuck.

Jaclyn June 6, 2012 at 9:11 pm

Oh God. The text speak. I hate it so much. There are a few things I can tolerate, but I take issue with “lol”. I never read it as L-O-L. I read it as lol, which is the kind of thing someone would only say if they had recently had a stroke or were otherwise mentally incapacitated. I also always imagine drool. No lols.
Jaclyn recently posted..Eleven Things and 100 Posts

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:34 pm

I HATE “are you” written as “ru.”

No. I will not respond until it is written properly. I lost a friend over this once. Grammar first, motherfuckers.

Gena June 6, 2012 at 9:59 pm

–Passive-aggressive posts that are clearly directed at one specific person (i.e. “Well, it’s nice to know what SOME people really think of me!”). Bitch, hash your shit out with people by e-mail or text message, don’t inflict it on innocent bystanders.

–Flipping the fuck out over every change on Facebook and threatening to delete your account. IT’S FREE, DIPSHIT, DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU IN THE ASS ON THE WAY OUT.

–Abuse of the tagging feature on photos. Why did you tag me on a picture of shoes? They’re not my fucking shoes.
Gena recently posted..Stand and deliver, you’ve been running all your life

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:35 pm

While everything you have said is hilarious and brilliant, the tagging feature is one I have fallen victim to many times. Do not tag me in that photo. I was not there. If I wanted to comment, I would.

Ally June 6, 2012 at 10:39 pm

I hate it when people say the exact same thing on facebook as they do on twitter. They are two separate entities people.
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Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:36 pm

I have been known to do that.

I blame Tweetdeck.

No. It was just me. I’m a whore.

CoreyFerns June 7, 2012 at 1:54 am

I didn’t know what the hash tagging thing was all about on facebook, I seriously thought people just misunderstood and didn’t know that it only works on twitter and politely told them it doesn’t work….

Oops.

On the list of internet condiments..

Thou shalt not keep tagging people in shit they don’t want to be tagged in, once they remove the tag it means, ‘nuh-uh ma’fucker’.

List of things I don’t need to be tagged in:
S-tock photos of shit you found on photo bucket..seriously, go make a rainbow out of converse shoes yourself, and then only tag the people involved.

Get creative…..get silly…do something not done before…dress up as different religious icons and dance to YMCA?

-Those stupid sheets of characters, you know the ones…grumpy, sleepy, druggie…Listen fucker if I wanted a label i’d join the seven dwarves…Hasn’t history taught you that labelling generally doesn’t work out well…

-Thou shalt not abuse elipsis(I bet I spelt that wrong) it does not come after every second word, unless you’re writing a really awkward piece of erotica, then it may be forgiven, perhaps.
CoreyFerns recently posted..Sunday, 8th November 2009

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Ellipses are the worst fucking thing. END A SENTENCE, CHUCKLEFUCK.

CoreyFerns June 7, 2012 at 2:00 am

I just realised I may have abused the elipsis myself, I’m such a heathen bastard. I’m definitely going to that special circle of hell reserved just for abusers of the elipsis, y’know the one where every one speaks with long ill placed pauses and stories go on forever.
CoreyFerns recently posted..Sunday, 8th November 2009

Bex June 7, 2012 at 5:47 am

Corey, whats elipses? If you tell me I will dress up like Jesus & dance to YMCA.
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Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:52 pm

…these…are…ellipses…

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Everyone is guilty of that at some point. The more you know.

Dani June 7, 2012 at 11:38 am

Testify, bitches. Testify.
Dani recently posted..Well played, Karma… Well played.

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:54 pm

LOOOOOOORRRRRDDDDDDD YES

Jen June 7, 2012 at 5:36 pm

If I have to hear one more fucking twatknuckle bitch and moan about “I just got timeline! Woe is me!” Seriously? This has been coming forever, get over it or get out.
The ‘I must post every-little-damned-thing I’m doing today’ types. We don’t care that you washed your dishes, hung out you sheets, shaved your pits and are now going to a lovely brunch with ‘friend we’ve never heard of’. Shut up!
Music video links on fb – really? You can’t just say it, you have to post 15 links in a row? Your ass is getting Rick Rolled – or it would be if I didn’t think you’d just post the damned link and say how much you loved that song.
Inspirational quote pictures. Yes, we know, you just got dumped. We watched the drama unfold on fb, just like everyone else. We now do NOT need a dozen posts a day with flowery graphics telling us that ‘A good woman deserves a good man that will not cheat, watch porn, leave the seat up or eat the last cookie.’ And if you need that shit to make yourself feel better I’m starting to see why you got dumped in the first place.
Wow, thanks Noa, I feel so much less rageful now. Well, okay, I feel the same amount of rage, just now I can direct it somewhere new. It’s like Christmas!

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:55 pm

I find that there is an enormous amount of “people really care what I do all day,” on Twitter, Facebook, and blogging.

No one cares. Absolutely no one. Have something interesting to say or shut the fuck up.

Jen June 10, 2012 at 7:54 am

One day, just for giggles, I want to post every half hour or so what I actually do all day. But just on the walls of the people who do this to me. It would be awesome. “Sitting on the couch, drinking cold coffee, ignoring the dishes.” “Sitting on the couch, eating chips, ignoring the laundry.” “Sitting on the couch, wondering what the fuck Toopy and Binoo are on…thinking about parenting my child for a bit.” “Sitting on the couch thinking about making supper. Pizza it is.” “Just shaved my legs. First time in a while. May need a plumber to unclog the drain.” etc.

Noa June 10, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Hours 11-7 would look exactly the same for me, bringing a whole new level of sad.

Valerie June 7, 2012 at 7:22 pm

I TOTALLY FUCKING AGREE!!!

#repostthisifyoulovebjs
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Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:56 pm

I TOTALLY FUCKING AGREE!!!

#repostthisifyoulovebjs

DONE!

elizabeth- flourishinprogress June 8, 2012 at 10:02 am

Hey, you know how sometimes when you laugh really hard, it can go one of two ways? Either you stop making any sound at all or a tiny bit of spit catches and then you start coughing and somebody has to hit you on the back really hard?

Well, both things just happened.

I agree with every single goddamn point.
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..Monday Dare: How much do new teeth cost?

Noa June 9, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Thanks for not being any of the above examples.

Helen Terims June 10, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Oh, I love your post. I really hate drama.
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memory foam bath mat September 3, 2012 at 11:17 pm

Thanks for sharing your thoughts about memory foam mattress topper reviews.

Regards
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