What YouTube Wrought, YouTube Can Also Take Away
For every stroke of brilliance on YouTube that earns someone a new career or an outlet or a little bit of recognition for an unbelievable talent or skill, there are hundreds of videos of dogs shitting painfully while barking at their buttholes.
It’s Newtonian: for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Susan Boyles have their Masked Sheep. Garfunkel and Oates has their Lit Farts. Baby Laughs have Babies Doing Anything Else (Seriously, Babies Are Pretty Boring, You Guys). It might be a beautiful system if it weren’t for hundreds of videos of people fingering their bellybuttons.
#Thou #Shalt #Not #Abuse #Hashtags
What you do in the privacy of your own Evernote is your business, but for the love of all that is holy, you do not need to tag that photo on Pinterest or Facebook or as #pretty #funny #lady #boner #scrapbook #quilting #neckfuck #crafting #diy. You can have two. Anything more than that is #twatwafflery.
Thine Header Must Link Back To Thine Homepage
Why display this wondrous creation of Adobe Illustrator and place it in the upper left corner and then not link that bitch back to the homepage? Did you know that every other website on the internet does that, and that by defying this convention, you aren’t bucking the system like a masterful Martin Luther of WordPress, you’re just being a twatwad?
Imagine going to someone’s home, going to the bathroom, and then through a series of confounding hallways, being completely unable to reach the front door ever again except to travel through all rooms in a random order. It’s absurd, and so is a lack of header linking.
God help you if your header doesn’t link back and you don’t have a home button either.
Judge Not Thy Neighbor’s Pinterest
Just because their pin says Jesus or Bible or Abstinence or Liberal or Chickendick does not mean it is your spotlight purpose to educate them about the error of their terrible ways, whether it be pro- or anti- chickendick. It’s just a place to put pictures of nice things. Shouting at someone on Pinterest is just like grabbing someone’s scrapbook, finding a photo that you don’t care for, and then taking a dump on that picture after pleasuring yourself sexually with it. You’re really the only one embarrassed there.
Thus, The Open Letter Was Banished
It’s not “An Open Letter to The Childless.” It’s, “A Passive-Aggressive Ploy For My Whiny Ass To Your Non-Fucks-Giving Ass.” Especially when writing a vitriol-laden Open Letter, you’re essentially just saying, “Hey, I’m mad at you, but not mad enough to fix it. Only mad enough for attention from others!”
Letters are inherently open, especially when posted online. You’re allowing anyone to read it by writing it on your blog and titling it Open and then promoting it on Facebook. Just say, “Dear Wendy’s,” or “Hey You, Lady Gaga.” Or, you know, just write a goddamn letter.
TextSpeak Must Not Emerge From The Mouth Of Any Man
There are virtually no products on the market today that lack a full keypad. There is no reason for TextSpeak to exist. No excuses.
Oh Noa stands strong for Full Sentence Dependence.
The Gravest Of Sins Was Intentional Blog Stutter For Emotional Impact
Not anymore you don’t, chucklefuck. It’s not profound, it’s online stuttering. It’s not emotional, it’s the ruination of reading comprehension. It’s not unusual or edgy, it’s just shitty editing. Paragraphs are literary conventions to be embraced and held dear and used often, like a favorite heart-covered dildo. One line paragraphs should be the accidental orgasm on a train, unexpected and a pleasantly rare surprise.
And Lo, The Lord Said, “Repost If You Love Hotdogs.”
I can’t find a single person alive who thinks that, “Repost if you hate/love ________,” is a useful tool for recognition of morals in others. Not a single person, but there it still sits, all over everyone’s Timeline and Feed. It’s a daily dose of self-righteousness that reminds your friends just how loosely you swing with that ‘share’ button.
We get it, you like things, and other people should like them too. Everyone loves candy and rainy days and sunshine and puppies and vaginas, everyone remembers the 80’s and hairspray and that cartoon we all like, and no one thinks child abuse or rape or murder or genocide or famine is awesome.
Unless you’re friends with Hitler or Stalin or the Jong-Uns.
Commie Reposting Bastards.
Any other Internet Sins I have neglected?– Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Kablooey: “Um… don’t stare directly into the Sun. Still a winner.”