I have a dirty secret.
I was a competitive cheerleader for 4 years. I was even Captain of my squad for a year. I flew, stunted, cheered, backflipped, handspringed, and toe-touched with the best.
I loved it.
I coordinated routines to Black Sabbath, Bon Jovi, AC/DC, Aerosmith, Black Flag, Andrew WK, and even the Cotton Eye Joe. I still have all my hair bows and one of my poms. I was even a subscriber to American Cheerleader, because when I do something, I do it until I can’t even breathe.
And still, I do not have the same energy as the contestants from the 1988 Aerobics National Championship, the absolute most life-affirming video online.
And the Lord said, “Let there be funk.”
The entire population in the 1980’s were so unbearably cool that they couldn’t see the ridiculousness of what they were doing. And it has left a blaze of aqua netted glory for the rest of humanity to witness for all mankind.
The competition high-kicks off with a lovely group intro, where the sassiest facials and the slouchiest socks becomes the leader of the shimmer tights collective. There’s butt kicking and bounce marching and my tits hurt just thinking about what is happening here.
I think my briefs just sliced off a labia.
Despite Body Rocking when clearly the routine is calling for Heaven Hands, she totally makes up for it with her amazeballs faces.
Whatchu talkin’ bout, titless?
And because it’s 1988, the competition is hosted by none other than ALAN “BLAZIN’ BLAZER” THICKE, Y’ALL.
You can scan his blazerbars for ThickeFacts!
The group warmup/clustercize introduction was amazing and sass-filled, but the real fun is the routines.
We will CUT. YOU.
ThickeFacts: these crazy-eyed aerobitards are twins, named Merlene and Marlene, because of pelvic thrusting, that’s why. I imagine that this is the exact moment that Tyler Perry recalls to get into character for Madea. OH NO, CHILD, YOU ARE NOT WEARING THAT EXCUSE FOR A LEOTARD OUTTA MY HOUSE.
West Side St-OH SNAP GIRL
There’s so much snap and fierceness in this routine that body glitter spontaneously erupted on my forehead.
I’m seeing a pattern of aerobic gang signs in the last two routines. Stay in school kids; don’t join a gang of tightly-wrapped aerobithugs. Rumor has it that if you want to join, they slice your nipples off. That’s why all their leotards end underneath their nips.
Ripped nips are the tear tattoos of Aerobics.
Bobby Fisher, where is he? I don’t know, I don’t know!
They must have practiced this move 100 times backstage to get the angle of whirl and the surprised facial expression just perfect, and she must have backcombed for even longer to get that perfect side-perm rocking the eff out.
I hope this move is called the whirligig, because whirligig is the best word and this might be the only instance in which it is accurate.
Pep-Induced Massive Joint Trauma
I honestly thought this woman had suffered a massive knee injury. It’s all fine and good until the end and then she crumbles like her self-respect and triangle bob when she lays down to sleep at night.
Hump it and sprint! Hump it and sprint!
This man has successfully combined the two things he’s best at in life: gettin’ poonwoggle and marching it right the fuck out. I would laugh if I weren’t so impressed at his dedication to being so fly. I hope he calls this move the Usain Thunderbolt.
And now, I present you with my favorite move of all time.
Booty shake using a modified whirligig to Usain Thunderbolt to a really solid K-POW.
I will never be this cool.
What was your favorite? Any fond memories of the 80’s that you want to share? DID YOU COMPETE IN THE AEROBICS CHAMPIONSHIPS? Can I see pictures?– Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Misty: “Whoring. I am always ready for more whoring. I mean, I’m a lawyer. So I have no marketable skills, either. I mean, except for the whoring, of course.”