Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Thicke

05/23/2012 · 71 comments

in Kirk Cameron, Sadist Vagina, What Is Wrong With You?

I have a dirty secret.

I was a competitive cheerleader for 4 years. I was even Captain of my squad for a year. I flew, stunted, cheered, backflipped, handspringed, and toe-touched with the best.

I loved it.

I coordinated routines to Black Sabbath, Bon Jovi, AC/DC, Aerosmith, Black Flag, Andrew WK, and even the Cotton Eye Joe. I still have all my hair bows and one of my poms. I was even a subscriber to American Cheerleader, because when I do something, I do it until I can’t even breathe.

And still, I do not have the same energy as the contestants from the 1988 Aerobics National Championship, the absolute most life-affirming video online.

And the Lord said, “Let there be funk.”

The entire population in the 1980’s were so unbearably cool that they couldn’t see the ridiculousness of what they were doing. And it has left a blaze of aqua netted glory for the rest of humanity to witness for all mankind.

The competition high-kicks off with a lovely group intro, where the sassiest facials and the slouchiest socks becomes the leader of the shimmer tights collective. There’s butt kicking and bounce marching and my tits hurt just thinking about what is happening here.

I think my briefs just sliced off a labia.

Despite Body Rocking when clearly the routine is calling for Heaven Hands, she totally makes up for it with her amazeballs faces.

Whatchu talkin’ bout, titless?

 And because it’s 1988, the competition is hosted by none other than ALAN “BLAZIN’ BLAZER” THICKE, Y’ALL.

You can scan his blazerbars for ThickeFacts!

The group warmup/clustercize introduction was amazing and sass-filled, but the real fun is the routines.

We will CUT. YOU.

ThickeFacts: these crazy-eyed aerobitards are twins, named Merlene and Marlene, because of pelvic thrusting, that’s why. I imagine that this is the exact moment that Tyler Perry recalls to get into character for Madea. OH NO, CHILD, YOU ARE NOT WEARING THAT EXCUSE FOR A LEOTARD OUTTA MY HOUSE.

West Side St-OH SNAP GIRL

There’s so much snap and fierceness in this routine that body glitter spontaneously erupted on my forehead.

I’m seeing a pattern of aerobic gang signs in the last two routines. Stay in school kids; don’t join a gang of tightly-wrapped aerobithugs. Rumor has it that if you want to join, they slice your nipples off. That’s why all their leotards end underneath their nips.

Ripped nips are the tear tattoos of Aerobics.

Bobby Fisher, where is he? I don’t know, I don’t know!

They must have practiced this move 100 times backstage to get the angle of whirl and the surprised facial expression just perfect, and she must have backcombed for even longer to get that perfect side-perm rocking the eff out.

I hope this move is called the whirligig, because whirligig is the best word and this might be the only instance in which it is accurate.

Pep-Induced Massive Joint Trauma

I honestly thought this woman had suffered a massive knee injury. It’s all fine and good until the end and then she crumbles like her self-respect and triangle  bob when she lays down to sleep at night.

Hump it and sprint! Hump it and sprint! 

This man has successfully combined the two things he’s best at in life: gettin’ poonwoggle and marching it right the fuck out. I would laugh if I weren’t so impressed at his dedication to being so fly. I hope he calls this move the Usain Thunderbolt.

And now, I present you with my favorite move of all time.

GET. IT.

Booty shake using a modified whirligig to Usain Thunderbolt to a really solid K-POW.

I will never be this cool.

What was your favorite? Any fond memories of the 80’s that you want to share? DID YOU COMPETE IN THE AEROBICS CHAMPIONSHIPS? Can I see pictures?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Misty: “Whoring. I am always ready for more whoring. I mean, I’m a lawyer. So I have no marketable skills, either. I mean, except for the whoring, of course.” 
Alicia May 23, 2012 at 2:55 am

I hope you know we’ll be using these as the transitions for the show. We HAVE to!

Noa June 5, 2012 at 12:14 am

I am IN. SO HARD IN.

Meg May 23, 2012 at 3:35 am

For me the 80’s weren’t about the aerobics as much as the show choir. Except, I was too cool for show choir. That and bowling. Three of my siblings were in show choir though. They obviously weren’t as cool as I was. I think I was Goth before the midwest knew what it was…
Meg recently posted..But Maybe I’m Crazy

Noa June 5, 2012 at 12:22 am

WHAT?! No one is too cool for bowling, and the crippling shoulder strain that comes from even the most minor of rolls. Bitterrrrrrrr.

I imagine your 80’s goth being something straight out of a Madonna video. Yes? No?

Abby May 23, 2012 at 6:09 am

First of all, when I did freelance sports writing for a local paper, I had to cover the state competitive cheer competition. Holy shit. Those chicks will cut a bitch if the diction isn’t perfect or one doesn’t smile while being thrown through the air. Mad respect on my end after that point.

Second, there are some things that cannot be unseen. Some of those things are all the images above. I am disturbed, but also reminded that the ’80s were filled with me teaching “Get In Shape Girl” classes on my front lawn to other kids I threatened to harm if they refused to participate. Leotard, leg warmers, and ankle weights, I was like a mini Jane Fonda on crack. Those were the days…
Abby recently posted..Musings on Monie

Noa June 5, 2012 at 12:24 am

I was the one doing the cutting. If I could do it with a broken-ass wrist, they could FUCKING SMILE AND GET THEIR ASSES IN THE AIR.

Abby, stop. You still teach those classes. Own it.

Amy May 23, 2012 at 6:48 am

I think I just found out why I always failed at attempting to work out to aerobics videos. Because they were aerobics CHAMPIONSHIPS. I’m no champion. I’m not even a contender. Wow, I feel a lot better about being a failure now.
Amy recently posted..If absolute power corrupts absolutely, then a small amount of power must make you a tinpot despot.

Noa June 5, 2012 at 12:29 am

I tried one of these and re-injured my shoulder. Let’s eat queso and wallow in failure.

Lady B May 23, 2012 at 6:57 am

sweet hookers alive where on earth do you find these online gems? Not once have you disappointed me; I still use the strange Thai “sexy dancing” video as a way to explain to PR people i do not want to blog about adult diapers.

Also – Feel no shame over the past life as a cheerleader. I was once a competitive dancer, trussed up much like the children of Toddlers and Tiaras, only those lucky girls never had to wear a purple velvet long sleeved unitard and do a ballet solo in which you were supposed to evoke “the lost spirit of a bird”.

I was 10. In front on a couple thousand people. As a bird.

That shit never leaves you.

Ever.
Lady B recently posted..The post in which no one gets orgasms or free cars

Noa June 5, 2012 at 12:31 am

In the dark part of Youtube, Lady B.

And please, please tell me your parents recorded it so you can remember. Digitize that motherfucker and share it.

Mayor Gia May 23, 2012 at 7:01 am

Ahh! So much wiggling on my screen!
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Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:15 am

There’s an LMFAO joke here, but I’d hate myself for it.

Brenna May 23, 2012 at 7:31 am

I love how serious Gracie’s comment is. She’s committed.

The animated GIFs in this post are mesmerizing. I’ll be seeing them behind my eyelids for a long while.
Brenna recently posted..A talent nobody really wants

Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:14 am

And your dreams will be filled with Faux-Fro!

Misty May 23, 2012 at 8:02 am

Hump It and Sprint and that K-POW will now be included in my opening statement in court today. Look for me on a report from a local news station: “Attorney loses mind in court, but delivers stellar Championship Dance Competition moves in spandex. More at News at 10.”
Misty recently posted..At Least It’s Not Towels

Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:13 am

This is Adrian’s favorite comment of all time. He made sure to text me several times to tell me, and then demonstrate what it might look like while making mac-n-cheese for dinner.

Misty June 5, 2012 at 8:32 am

Please tell me you took video of that performance. And also please tell me there was spandex involved during the mac & cheese prep. Mmmm, cheesy goodness!!

(Psst . . . thanks Adrian. Your payment should be in your Paypal account by tomorrow).
Misty recently posted..Better Than a Glowing Stripper Leg Lamp!

Noa June 5, 2012 at 3:40 pm

I wondered how he got the money for those leg warmers.

Melbourne on my mind May 23, 2012 at 8:04 am

Holy shit, this is spectacular. I honestly can’t stop staring at those gifs.

SPECTACULAR.
Melbourne on my mind recently posted..Ancient History, Volume XIII

Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:12 am

They’re hypnotic, yes?

Jana May 23, 2012 at 8:17 am

ACK….I walked away for one moment and came back to your blog filled with jazz hands and smiles so tight it makes the botox bitches look loose.

Thanks…now I will dream of leg warmers all night
Jana recently posted..I can make your skin glow, ’cause I am a saint, Y’all!

Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:11 am

And your calves will feel so cozy and warmed-up. YOU ARE WELCOME.

sj May 23, 2012 at 8:37 am

“Go ask your mama, and make sure you listen cos one thing is for sure – Bobby Fischer’s missin’! Bobby Fischer – where is he? I don’t know, I don’t know. Bobby Fischer – where is he? I don’t know, I don’t know…HE’S GONE!”

I’m going to be singing this ALL DAY now.
sj recently posted..Spend Your Summer in Middle Earth!

Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:10 am

You and me both, SJ. It’s okay to explore, it’s your body!

Michelle May 23, 2012 at 8:47 am

But where are they now? That’s what I want to know… what happened to these icons of fitness now that they are approaching mid life?

Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:08 am

Sadness.

Jayne May 23, 2012 at 9:15 am

This may be the best blog post of all time.
Seriously.
I LIVED the 80’s in spandex and scrunched socks.
Jayne recently posted..Back in the Saddle….

Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:08 am

Thank you so much! Glad I could send you back in time for a little bit.

Meg May 23, 2012 at 9:42 am

In the 80s, I was all about the Spandex and scrunched socks. I had my Get In Shape, Girl! Rhythm ‘n Ribbons complete with cassette tape that never got used. The ribbon got some action, but mostly, I was too busy lip-syncing to Madonna and Cyndi Lauper, using my bed as a stage.

I would’ve dug the hell out of this shit had I known it existed.
Meg recently posted..When It Rains…

Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:07 am

Never again in my life will the phrase, “That ribbon got some action,” be used. I am so glad I got to see it here, because I cried I laughed so hard.

Christine May 23, 2012 at 11:14 am

I’m actually working on the “Where Are They Now?” special for ESPN 13. Unfortunately the twins got into a nasty dance off over the bluetard guy on the set of Footloose the Musical, and I don’t want to spoil it, but, not everyone survived.
Christine recently posted..Amazon Knows Too Much About Your Loneliness

Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:04 am

OH GOD NOOOOOOO! WHICH ONE?!?!

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd May 23, 2012 at 11:46 am

I started reading this post at 12:30pm, then I got to the Hump and Sprint, and something happened. I came to, and it was 7pm and I was starving. I must have entered a trance or something.
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Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:04 am

Don’t look directly in his eyes. You’ll get knocked up.

Alexandra May 23, 2012 at 11:48 am

BEST GD post I’ve read in ages.

WHY OH WHY do I stay away so long?

Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:03 am

I don’t know, Alexandra. I miss you on here!

Erin T May 23, 2012 at 12:08 pm

I’m both amazed and horrified… I can NEVER unsee those slick fucking moves.

Why the hell do I want to bust out with my capri leggings under a denim miniskirt with my curly hair all permed the fuck out in a side pony tail with neon pink scrunchies?!
Erin T recently posted..WTF?

Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:02 am

You would look just like one of the trend-setting kids of today.

Lacey May 23, 2012 at 12:23 pm

I am in utter awe. I’m going to snag my gramma’s black and white polka-dot leotard and work on my whirligig combos.
Lacey recently posted..Coffee Snob

Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:01 am

I will need a video.

Angie Uncovered May 23, 2012 at 12:56 pm

That took me back to a very scary decade when my mother first began her aerobics life. Yikes!
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Noa June 5, 2012 at 12:59 am

She had an Aerobics…life?

Dani May 23, 2012 at 1:24 pm

I may or may not still remember the entire cheer routine in high school to Styx “Renegade”… which was then and still is the coolest. thing. EVER.

And I NEVER busta move every time I hear the song (which happens rarely, dammit).

Ah, the 80s… I am one of your people.
Dani recently posted..When Good Times Go Rogue

Dani May 24, 2012 at 8:56 pm

Also? I may or may not have named my youngest son Brennan after Alan Thicke’s son Brennan, who did the voice of Dennis the Menace in the old Dennis the Menace cartoons.

Yes, I am that lame.

But admit it… it’s a great name.

Which I now own, bitches. I take great offense to ANYONE who names their child Brennan. The NAME IS MIND, BITCHES.

Okay, mine and Alan Thicke’s.
Dani recently posted..When Good Times Go Rogue

Dani May 24, 2012 at 8:57 pm

I fuckin hate it when i find a typo mere seconds after I post something.

Dammit all to hell.
Dani recently posted..When Good Times Go Rogue

Noa June 5, 2012 at 12:52 am

Holy Shit.

I was named after a person someone once saw in a commercial. You went all the fucking way.

Jillian May 23, 2012 at 3:53 pm

I wish, oh so bad, that my hips were a bit bigger, if only to properly fill out a spandex onesie.
Jillian recently posted..She Loves You, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

Noa June 5, 2012 at 12:51 am

I would just look like a sad, confused boy scout in that leotard.

Jaime May 23, 2012 at 4:04 pm

I can barely walk without falling over let alone trying to do something coordinated… I can’t even imagine the destruction that could happen if I was in a room with cheerleaders trying to teach me moves.. it’s quite possible more than half of us would end up in the hospital.
Jaime recently posted..the fate of the world.

Noa June 5, 2012 at 12:50 am

Fun Fact: Even good cheerleading ends up with a shitload of people in the hospital.

Johi May 23, 2012 at 6:33 pm

The eighties were rough on me because my mom dressed my sister and I like we were extras on Little House on the Prairie instead of buying us Aqua Net, one hand glitter gloves and labia slicing unitards. And I couldn’t rollerskate. I’m surprised I didn’t spend my childhood rocking myself in the fetal position in the corner.

Later, in the 90’s, I overcame my fad-less youth, bought Aqua Net and became a cheerleader. Surprisingly, I was the loudest one on my squad. Sadly, my high volume did not get us into any championships.
Johi recently posted..No snark, just warm fuzzies. Barf bags are located in the seat pocket directly in front of you.

Noa June 5, 2012 at 12:47 am

I was also the loudest one! And now I sound like a man! High fives for strong throats and thinly-veiled sexual innuendo!

Jaclyn May 23, 2012 at 8:39 pm

I feel like I just stepped into some sort of creepy alternate reality.

Cheerleader Noa is not a Noa I am comfortable with.
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Noa June 5, 2012 at 12:44 am

I grew up in a really rural school, so it was that or FFA

LIES! I was also in FFA! And FCCLA! AND DRAMA.

Valerie May 23, 2012 at 9:56 pm

I still have my copy of Buns of Steel. Whenever I’m sad, I pop it on and giggle… whilst eating a bowl of popcorn. Extra butter!!

Hugs!

Valerie
Valerie recently posted..Harry Potter Land is my Jerusalem

Noa June 5, 2012 at 12:43 am

Ever seen the SNL Digital Short Body Fuzion? I think you may really really love it.

CoreyFerns May 24, 2012 at 12:06 am

…Noa was a cheerleader…

Anyone else here want to see those pictures?

God damn I wish I was an 80s kid, was born at the end of the decade…or maybe the 70s, I would’ve gotten jazz and the 80s then…GOD DAMN IT!
CoreyFerns recently posted..Sunday, 8th November 2009

Noa June 5, 2012 at 12:42 am

They are blessedly difficult to locate. Sucka.

Starle May 24, 2012 at 6:28 am

Hump it and sprint! Hump it and sprint!
I nearly died! This has to e one of your funniest posts ever!
Starle recently posted..That THING Just Bit Me!

Noa June 5, 2012 at 12:41 am

There’s a fucking spammer way down below, who I have deleted, who stole parts of like, 6 comments, to create her own. You were one of the lucky winners.

Also, thank you!

Thoughts Appear May 24, 2012 at 9:36 am

The only move I might be able to pull off is the whirligig. But only if I can be in front. Really the person in the back has the harder job since they have to watch the person in front. I’ll need a partner. Any volunteers? Anyone?
Thoughts Appear recently posted..Say Cheese and Wedgies!

Noa June 5, 2012 at 12:39 am

I’m in.

Don’t fart.

Todd May 24, 2012 at 11:26 am

Wow… so… I read this blog yesterday. And it’s like the images are burned into my brain. It’s one of those things that you can never unsee. Especially the Hump It… and Sprint. He seems SO pleased with himself to be jogging the fuck outta there. All that’s missing from that move is the pinky/thumb phone and him mouthing the words “I’ll call you.”

He won’t call you.
Todd recently posted..Text Messages With Kyle

Noa June 5, 2012 at 12:38 am

He was told he had one eight count to set himself apart, and he fucking took that cue. The rest are just kind of meh, but not him.

Lauren@FilingJointly May 24, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Well fuck. The CFO of my company, who is very proper and has a British accent just walked by my desk whilst I was oogling pelvic-thrusting men in shiny leotards. I’m almost positive this is going to result in my boss scheduling another “Appropriateness” lecture at which I am the only required attendee.
Lauren@FilingJointly recently posted..I Also Have A List Of Foods That Shouldn’t Exist And A List Of Stores That Don’t Like When You Pay With Only Change

Noa June 5, 2012 at 12:37 am

It’s never when you’re looking at CharityNavigator or anything, is it? Always when it’s the worst possible thing you could be doing.

Good luck. Lord knows I’ve been through a few myself.

Andi Davies May 24, 2012 at 5:53 pm

You should put a “not safe for children” warning on this post because I laughed so hard, I had three disturbed kids come in and examine my screen, trying to find the joke.

I’m pretty sure I’ve seen the Whirligig done by my BFF, who was a cheerleader in high school. Complete with bad knee joint and all.
Andi Davies recently posted..Be A Duck

Noa June 5, 2012 at 12:36 am

1) The last part of this comment was stolen by a spammer right below you, who has since been deleted.

2) If your kids can’t see the humor in this…sad, Andi. Sad.

Bill G. May 27, 2012 at 10:59 am

Alan is trying hard to look like Kirk Cameron, including the suit jacket with the rolled up sleeves. NICE.

Noa June 5, 2012 at 12:33 am

And I continue that brave tradition to this very day.

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