The Sound And The Douchery

05/16/2012 · 64 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person, Sadist Vagina, What Is Wrong With You?

Love is sacred. Love is the single most true and purest of bonds. Love should be taken seriously–one should not love lightly or with half-a-heart.

AHAHA FUCK THAT NOISE, ASSHOLES.

FOX networks has announced a new show, The Choice! This reality love-contest show is really going to push the envelope and challenge people’s views on society. It’s going to ask the tough questions, get the real responses, evoke real emotion. Get ready for the reality in yo fucking face–FOX is going so hard.

AHAHA FUCK THAT NOISE AGAIN, ASSHOLES.

In a truly stunning amalgamation of plagiarism and sociodouchery, it’s just The Voice, but the end prize is fucking a D-Lister!

Excitement Level: Skeezy

That’s right, girls walk out on stage, talk about how hot and awesome they are, and the judgebags can only decide to date a woman by the sound of her voice. Because looks don’t matter to these guys, except where it says in their contracts that they will not spin for a porker. Sorry gals, your dream date with goddamn Dean Cain will have to wait.

But the consolation prize is pretty fucking sweet. Weiñata!

Where before your future was decided by people in spinning office chairs who were actually looking at you, now we’ve achieved a new level of laziness–I won’t even bother to turn the fuck around.

If this is what we’re going to do from now on, I have a few suggestions that would make for MUCH better TV than watching Joe Jonas and Taylor Hicks hit the button with their boners for the girl with the Japanese Harajuku Girl voice.

I wrote that line just so I could use this.

The Moist

Judges: Paula Deen, Guy Fieri, Gordon Ramsay, and Rachael Ray’s throat
Chairs: Potatoes
Premise: Choose a steak based on how juicy it sounds when cut.
Host: Giada and Her Mighty Teeth Of Justice.

The Joist

Judges: Ty Pennington all those jagoffs from HGTV
Chairs: Shaped like tool belt pockets
Premise: Choose the layout and design of a Habitat for Humanity home based on how the woods sounds being rubbed against more wood.
Host: Ryan Seacrest

The Rejoice

Judges: Priests
Chairs: Confession Booths
Premise: Choose nuns for their parishes based on how their habits sound swishing against their rosaries.
Host: Jesus

The Unvoiced

Judges: Celebrities who have been mysteriously struck mute (Kim Khardashian, Courtney Stodden, Jenny McCarthy, and Miley goddamn Cyrus)
Chairs: Shaped like their dumb faces
Premise: choose their interpreters based on how contestant’s sign language sounds when their hands move
Host: I will host. I will also be all of the contestants. I know no sign language. Also their chairs will operate on a sit-n-spin design where once you get started, that shit never stops whipping you around like a dog with a dirty-ass chew toy.

The Invoiced

Judges: Everyday Americans
Chairs: Shaped like foreclosure statements
Premise: Choose what bills to pay based on how the bills sound when they’re shaken about.
Host: MC Hammer

The Poise

Judges: RuPaul, Kathy Griffin, Lewis Black, and Ozzy Osborne
Chairs: Shaped like tiaras
Premise: Choose child pageant winners based on how their mothers sound yelling at them to, “sparkle baby, sparkle!”
Host: Zombie Joan Crawford

The Hoist

Judges: Kate Moss, Kate Middleton, Angelina Jolie, and Victoria Beckham
Chairs: Shaped like biceps
Premise: Weightlifters are judged based on how much weight it sounds like they’re lifting
Host: Hulk Hogan

The Noise

Judges: Keanu Reeves, Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and Nicolas Cage
Chairs: Are invisible
Premise: Decide what isn’t making any noise on stage by using telepathy.
Host: Yoko Ono

The Toys

Judges: Maggie Smith, Queen Elizabeth, Martha Stewart, and Sally Field
Chairs: Weiñatas
Premise: Porn Stars are judged based on what toys it sound like they’re using.
Host: Sean Connery

I’ll be waiting for my checks for the pilot episodes, FOX.

What do you think of The Choice, or even The Voice? Did I miss any new moneymaking show opportunities?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Jillian: “Obama does love butts. I read that on a website that promised to reduce my belly fat and hook me up with young, Asian women. They spelled “diabetes” and “contraception” correctly, so it seemed legit.”
CoreyFerns May 16, 2012 at 3:48 am

I’m still waiting for the show where they take the stupid celebrities ( I mean you Kim Kardasian) and make them fight to the death with large pink dildos that make light saber noises when swung.

The host?

Rodney King..

Shows like this make me miss the good old days, back then you made your own reality shows. Sit the kids down for a little chat, “Due to Economic reasons, we’re going to have to let one of you go…But, on the upside you get to have fun proving why you should stay..We’ll call it..Who’s daddy’s favourite?….Alright? Go!”
CoreyFerns recently posted..Sunday, 8th November 2009

Misty May 16, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Brilliant. I think I love you . . .
Misty recently posted..Happy Happy Joy Joy

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:45 am

I want to live inside your head for a while.

Robyn May 16, 2012 at 3:57 am

Ok, if this is going to be a real fucking show, I want off this planet.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:45 am

TOTALLY A REAL THING. FOX even acknowledges that it started as a joke and then they said, “Hey, we can make bank off of this!”

Mayor Gia May 16, 2012 at 6:42 am

Hahhahah your shows look promising. The Toys? Not what I thought it was gonna be about. There will be a lot of confused toddlers the day after that one airs..
Mayor Gia recently posted..Attic Squeaking

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:47 am

It’s a tricky one, that. But it’s awesome that way.

Mandi E. May 17, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Hey, they need to learn it eventually.
Mandi E. recently posted..The boobs are EVERYWHERE.

Noa May 21, 2012 at 10:51 pm

That’s the way to train children that the world is harsh. “TOYS MEANS SOMETHING DIFFERENT TO ALL ADULTS. NOW YOUR LIFE IS RUINED. STUDY NOW.”

Leslie May 16, 2012 at 6:45 am

The Cloist (ered)
Judges: Sean Connery (In The Name of The Rose, so he’s experienced), Priests who have been shuttled around from parish to parish rather than being prosecuted, any surviving male Kennedy, Sally Field
Chairs – hard benches that squeak
Premise: Which nun has the best body under the unflattering and voluminous traditional robes? Twists include possible trannies and an actual porn star getting back at her father.
Host: Charlie Sheen

Misty May 16, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Wait . . . shouldn’t it be alter boys? I mean, based on the “priests who have been shuttled around from parish to parish rather than being prosecuted.”
Misty recently posted..Happy Happy Joy Joy

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:50 am

I want to start adding Sally Field into all reality shows.

Bill G. May 17, 2012 at 10:17 pm

Might as well, she’s probably getting tired of doing senior citizen yogurt and osteoporosis drug commercials anyway.

Noa May 21, 2012 at 10:52 pm

That suddenly reminds me to eat some Activia.

Hoody Hoo May 16, 2012 at 7:23 am

Consider this both your first and final notice: It is now May. My birthday is in September. You have plenty of time to get me a weinata and fill it with those little cock-shaped suckers they give out at bachelorette parties. Hop to it!
Hoody Hoo recently posted..Poor Ol’ Dad to the Rescue!

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:55 am

Can I also fill it with knives?

Hoody Hoo May 17, 2012 at 7:18 am

Um, is there any way in the world it would NOT be filled with knives? Preferably ones with little penises (penii?) for handles that can be used for serving fancy cheeses.
Hoody Hoo recently posted..The Ratventures Continue

Noa May 21, 2012 at 10:52 pm

I can’t wait to bedazzle the tips.

Lacey May 16, 2012 at 8:11 am

I am so ashamed to say that you sold me on over half of your pilot pitches…. I’d DVR that shit and watch it secretly after everyone has gone to bed.
Lacey recently posted..My Fat Crotch Vexation

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:56 am

They look AWESOME, right?!

Jen May 16, 2012 at 8:16 am

I’m starting my own real-life “Survivor”.

NAME: Dysfunctional Family Christmas Survivor

One family is trapped in a home for five days. Each contestant must be belittled by their spouse, forced to choke down a turkey drier than Betty White’s vajh, and constantly reminded by their mother what a colossal disappointment they are in life while avoiding getting hand-raped by Cousin Eddie under the mistletoe. The last survivor standing gets a years supply of Xanax and a one-way ticket to the extradition-free country of their choice.

HOST: Dr. Drew.
Jen recently posted..Conversations With Jess: Don’t You Forget About Me

Ally May 16, 2012 at 9:32 am

Thank you for making me spit coffee on myself while reading your show’s description.
Ally recently posted..Drag Queen Shenanigans

Jillian May 16, 2012 at 10:06 am

OMG! A reality show I have a chance to win!
Jillian recently posted..This Is What I Should Have Said

Misty May 16, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Yeah, just come to my house for every holiday. But add in: Dad drunk in the corner trying to drown out the fact that he is married to my mother, count the number of times mom cries because “she’s just doing her best” and “you don’t have to use that TONE with me!” and your brother telling you he is getting ANOTHER divorce, interviewing for ANOTHER job because they just don’t appreciate his genius AGAIN at his current job, whilst asking you for a loan.

I’ve got that shit pwned, yo!
Misty recently posted..Happy Happy Joy Joy

Jen May 16, 2012 at 12:33 pm

((s-l-o-w c-l-a-p)) The Tribe Has Spoken, Misty. . .winner and still champion! :)
Jen recently posted..Conversations With Jess: Don’t You Forget About Me

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:57 am

Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

I can’t wait to see this shit.

Bill G. May 17, 2012 at 10:32 pm

Throw in 3 cases of Absolut to the grand prize and I’m in. I live it every year at Thanksgiving and Christmas anyway.

Anymore, my wife and I are all about taking a trip away from all family over Christmas and visiting them later on day-trips in the following couple of months. Or just telling everybody that’s what we’re doing when actually staying home, pulling the shades, staying downstairs after dark, and not answering the door for anybody. I swear, whoever thinks that spending the holidays with extended family is the greatest thing ever must be drunk or high 24/7. Christ, I can barely handle those people on a Saturday afternoon BBQ when I know I’ll be out of there in 3-4 hours.

I actually like my in-laws, it’s MY family that drives me batshit.

Jen May 18, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Sweet Baby Jeebus on a Fajita I think we have just locked down FOX’s new mid-season replacement, goddamnit! ((walking away brushing off hands and snorting indignantly)) My work here is done.

Noa May 21, 2012 at 10:57 pm

How don’t you already work for them?

Bill G. May 22, 2012 at 6:54 pm

That’s a no-shitter.

Dani May 16, 2012 at 8:43 am

You had me at wienata.
Dani recently posted..When Good Times Go Rogue

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:58 am

It took me so long to get the perfect name.

Jillian May 16, 2012 at 10:16 am

A mute Miley Cyrus with whip lash. God, what a satisfying image. I’d post that on my front door so I could come home to it every day.
Jillian recently posted..This Is What I Should Have Said

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:58 am

Wouldn’t it be so fun to watch that happen?

Janene May 16, 2012 at 10:24 am

I have a Big Brother entry.

Name: “Big Brother: the Exes Edition”.

Premise: follow 8 pairs of exes, preferably former spouses, in the large Big Brother house, complete with challenges and spy cams. Have “viewer’s choice” bring in one of the ex’s significant other to increase the drama. First couple to survive without killing the ex, uttering death threats and/or hiring hit men to off the ex wins enough to pay alimony for a year. A cool $500,000 to be award to the couple that gets back together and stays that way for 5 years.

Host: Liza Minelli

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:59 am

I can’t wait to see Liza hop around all coked the fuck out between the awkwardness.

Bill G. May 18, 2012 at 4:26 pm

I love it! Expect a lot of slashed tires in the parking lot.

Noa May 21, 2012 at 10:58 pm

They’ll be covered in glitter. Liz leaves a slug trail.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd May 16, 2012 at 11:54 am

I would watch anything with Zombie Joan Crawford in it. Preferably, it would be “The Zombie Joan Crawford and Zombie Bette Davis Variety Hour” where they judge a talent show and the winners get eaten by ZJC and ZBD at the end, always to the closing song, “I’ve Written a Letter to Daddy.”

And, you know that Joan and Bette would fight viciously over who gets to eat the entrails, and we’d all laugh and talk about what divas they are.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..The Things You Find When Packing Pt. 2

Noa May 17, 2012 at 4:00 am

OH MY GOD.

I wanna see that so bad it hurts.

Bill G. May 18, 2012 at 4:28 pm

That is fantastic. I have this picture of them fighting over some guy’s balls and I can’t get it out of my head. What a double-edged sword!

Noa May 21, 2012 at 10:59 pm

Is there…is there a reason they’re fighting over balls?

Bill G. May 22, 2012 at 7:04 pm

The image that came to my head is the meatballs at the local Chuck-a-Rama buffet. If you go before 6:00, it’s you and 80 senior citizens in that place. With the way the old folks were snatching up those meatballs, I could totally see Zombie Joan Crawford and Bette Davis fighting over a pair.

Misty May 16, 2012 at 12:42 pm

The Poise(d): (a bit different from yours)

Judges: Betty White, Larry King, Hugh Hefner, my grandma
Chairs: Toilets
Premise: Just by the sound of gardening, walking with your grandchildren and having dinner with your spouse, the judges have to figure out who’s Absorbant Underwear-like Garment is wet or dry. (Hint: the ones that are wet WIN!).
Host: Pauly Shore (what? He needs the job!).

The Boys:

Judges: Heidi Klum, Octomom, Alicia Silverstone, Megan Fox
Chairs: Shaped like bottles
Premise: Judges must determine whether the crazy names of fellow celebrities are boys or girls. The celebrity with the most confusing and ridiculous name will win.
Host: Chaz(ity) Bono
Misty recently posted..Happy Happy Joy Joy

Noa May 17, 2012 at 4:01 am

Your Poise is better than mine. Jealous.

I had a rough draft of one called The Boys too, but it was cut for being unfunny. I’m glad, too, because yours is glorious.

Andi Davies May 16, 2012 at 12:59 pm

The Goys:

Judges: Michael Rapaport, Jennifer Grey, John Francis Daley and Maya Rudolph
Chairs: Shaped like matzo balls
Premise: Just from the sound of their voice, judges will have to determine which of the contestants are actually Jewish and which are just faking it to get a date.
Host: Jerry Seinfeld
Andi Davies recently posted..McCall 6566 Fail, and a Me-Made-May Catch Up!

Noa May 17, 2012 at 4:01 am

YES.

Call FOX. NOW.

Jaime May 16, 2012 at 10:57 pm

I want a Weiñata so bad…. I’m putting it on my birthday AND Christmas list.
Jaime recently posted..Conversations with my Vagina ..Part Two!

Noa May 17, 2012 at 4:02 am

They are FOR SALE!

Dana the Biped May 17, 2012 at 1:20 pm

The Foist: In which my family tries to set me up with any single man they know, even if he’s fresh out of high school, or 35 and still living in his mother’s basement. Really, all you’d need is to follow me around with a camcorder, because this is already happening.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Sitting Pretty

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:00 pm

NEVER FOR FOR AT&T.

You just described my 2 years working for them. RulerSuspenders really never gave up on me. Rumor has it he still asks about me.

Meg May 17, 2012 at 6:00 pm

The Boist

Judges: Joan Rivers, Kris Jenner, Dina Lohan, Michael Lohan
Chairs: Shaped like stars
Premise: Stage moms and dads competing to get their children 15 minutes of fame. How far will they go?
Host: David Hasselhoff
Meg recently posted..But Maybe I’m Crazy

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:00 pm

Mother of Baby Jesus.

I have to see this. HAVE TO.

Mandi E. May 17, 2012 at 6:28 pm

I just asked my husband if he’d ever seen a wienata and this is what I got:

“No, but knowing you, it’s a cock shaped pinata with the testicles tucked securely in a coordinating handbag.”

And this is why the motherfucker is my soulmate.
Mandi E. recently posted..The boobs are EVERYWHERE.

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:02 pm

Ain’t love grand?

Pandy May 17, 2012 at 6:47 pm

There are royalties to be made here.

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:03 pm

I can’t wait to rake them in!

kage May 17, 2012 at 7:56 pm

okay, steaks is totally not where i thought we were going with ‘The Moist’…

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:06 pm

I already had a porn-y one planned. Figured I’d better tone it down at least once. Plus, PAULA DEEN.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress May 21, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Personally, I think you need to take this post down ASAP. Why? Because these ideas are better than 100% (okay, maybe just 99%, I may have overshot because I get totally clouded in judgement when it comes to my friends) of the shows on TV currently. You don’t want no assholes stealin this shit from ya.
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..Monday Dare: Ugh Life

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:07 pm

I can’t wait to see Zombie Joan Crawford on the CBS lineup this Fall. You’ll see me storming the stage with a massive copyright violation claim.

Christine May 22, 2012 at 6:27 pm

The Screechoice

Judges: Mark Paul Gosselaar, Mario Lopez, and Tiffani Amber Thiessen
Chairs: Booths from “The Max”
Premise: Choose which contestants will get to star in Dustin Diamond’s next porn film based on their Screech impressions.
Host: Jaleel White
Christine recently posted..Pop Culture Is Changing the Way Our Memories Work

Noa June 5, 2012 at 12:09 am

OH MY GOD.

OH.

NOW. DO IT NOW. NOW NOW NOW.

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