Love is sacred. Love is the single most true and purest of bonds. Love should be taken seriously–one should not love lightly or with half-a-heart.
AHAHA FUCK THAT NOISE, ASSHOLES.
FOX networks has announced a new show, The Choice! This reality love-contest show is really going to push the envelope and challenge people’s views on society. It’s going to ask the tough questions, get the real responses, evoke real emotion. Get ready for the reality in yo fucking face–FOX is going so hard.
AHAHA FUCK THAT NOISE AGAIN, ASSHOLES.
In a truly stunning amalgamation of plagiarism and sociodouchery, it’s just The Voice, but the end prize is fucking a D-Lister!
That’s right, girls walk out on stage, talk about how hot and awesome they are, and the judgebags can only decide to date a woman by the sound of her voice. Because looks don’t matter to these guys, except where it says in their contracts that they will not spin for a porker. Sorry gals, your dream date with goddamn Dean Cain will have to wait.
Where before your future was decided by people in spinning office chairs who were actually looking at you, now we’ve achieved a new level of laziness–I won’t even bother to turn the fuck around.
If this is what we’re going to do from now on, I have a few suggestions that would make for MUCH better TV than watching Joe Jonas and Taylor Hicks hit the button with their boners for the girl with the Japanese Harajuku Girl voice.
Judges: Paula Deen, Guy Fieri, Gordon Ramsay, and Rachael Ray’s throat
Premise: Choose a steak based on how juicy it sounds when cut.
Host: Giada and Her Mighty Teeth Of Justice.
Judges: Ty Pennington all those jagoffs from HGTV
Chairs: Shaped like tool belt pockets
Premise: Choose the layout and design of a Habitat for Humanity home based on how the woods sounds being rubbed against more wood.
Host: Ryan Seacrest
Chairs: Confession Booths
Premise: Choose nuns for their parishes based on how their habits sound swishing against their rosaries.
Judges: Celebrities who have been mysteriously struck mute (Kim Khardashian, Courtney Stodden, Jenny McCarthy, and Miley goddamn Cyrus)
Chairs: Shaped like their dumb faces
Premise: choose their interpreters based on how contestant’s sign language sounds when their hands move
Host: I will host. I will also be all of the contestants. I know no sign language. Also their chairs will operate on a sit-n-spin design where once you get started, that shit never stops whipping you around like a dog with a dirty-ass chew toy.
Judges: Everyday Americans
Chairs: Shaped like foreclosure statements
Premise: Choose what bills to pay based on how the bills sound when they’re shaken about.
Host: MC Hammer
Judges: RuPaul, Kathy Griffin, Lewis Black, and Ozzy Osborne
Chairs: Shaped like tiaras
Premise: Choose child pageant winners based on how their mothers sound yelling at them to, “sparkle baby, sparkle!”
Host: Zombie Joan Crawford
Judges: Kate Moss, Kate Middleton, Angelina Jolie, and Victoria Beckham
Chairs: Shaped like biceps
Premise: Weightlifters are judged based on how much weight it sounds like they’re lifting
Host: Hulk Hogan
Judges: Keanu Reeves, Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and Nicolas Cage
Chairs: Are invisible
Premise: Decide what isn’t making any noise on stage by using telepathy.
Host: Yoko Ono
Judges: Maggie Smith, Queen Elizabeth, Martha Stewart, and Sally Field
Premise: Porn Stars are judged based on what toys it sound like they’re using.
Host: Sean Connery
I’ll be waiting for my checks for the pilot episodes, FOX.
What do you think of The Choice, or even The Voice? Did I miss any new moneymaking show opportunities?– Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Jillian: “Obama does love butts. I read that on a website that promised to reduce my belly fat and hook me up with young, Asian women. They spelled “diabetes” and “contraception” correctly, so it seemed legit.”