The Piñata Is Just A Hymen Filled With Pamphlets

05/09/2012 · 80 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, Sadist Vagina, What Is Wrong With You?

Sometimes bad things happen to good people.

Some people go through life a victim of hate.
Some people get bad diseases while very young.
Some people’s parents throw them first period parties.

Apparently, we’re back in the goddamn Red Tent era where we high five girls with bloody hands for bleeding from their hoo-hoo-lands. That’s akin to having your mom watch your first time boning, or your dad rubbing your taint so you don’t tear during childbirth–not okay.

I can’t think of anything I’d rather celebrate less with my friends and family than my first period, or menarche, a horrifying term that Menarche Parties-R-Us has built their own goddamn industry around.

Party Ware Of Nightmares

At least it's not Comic Sans

Why don’t you just whip out some Diva Cups to drink cherry punch out of and really kick it off with a bang?

Abstinence is not even an unhealthy goal for these kinds of parties, because if you want to scare young girls about their twats, it’s with a party celebrating a monthly gross inconvenience.

Only 2 races get periods, apparently.

What exactly does one take home in a Period Loot Bag? Bedazzled tampons made at craft time? Cookies that bleed when you bite into them? A pad with all your wishes and dreams written on it in glitter glue suspended in a puberty-dream catcher of tweenage angst?

No. Just shame. Pure, deep, undiluted shame.

Games Of Shame

I would have lost. I thought it was "Purberty" 'til I was 13

Did anyone notice that the ‘free’ space is on the vagina there? Also that ‘PU’ takes up a space, in the most hilariously terrible juxtaposition of all time?

“PU 1: What is the name for the substance that leaks out of you when you’re not on your period!”
“It’s DISCHARGE! All I need is Colposcopy for the win!”


I have ALWAYS wanted to shout "Endometrium, MOTHERFUCKER"

You want to know the fastest way to make Trivial Pursuit, already a terrible hate-game, even worse? Make it all about pubescent vaginas!

Welp, now I’m blocked from your work’s internet filter for out-of-context pedophilic statements.


What utter literal twattery is this? Why not “bust the hymen piñata” or “Red Tent, Red Tent, your Hell has just begun?” This is no way to teach any child a lesson about their no-no places.

“If you don’t pin them on right, they just look like painful and incurable uterine cysts, which is why Mommy never gave you a sister. Womanhood is so beautiful.”

Greeting Cards For The Soulless


What they don’t tell you at these goddamn menarche parties is that “publicly” in reference to your period is less magical and more, “Shit, why the hell did I wear khakis today? I could have sworn it wasn’t supposed to come for another couple of days. I guess I’ll just roll up some toilet paper and hope the Charmin levees hold.”

Da-da-da-da-da-daaaaa! DISCHARGEEEEE!

This card doubles as an ESPN promo for Off-Season Tennis.

Waah Waah

From the makers of, “Check that lump, it’s probably cancer,” and “You look pale, are you sure you don’t have AIDS,” it’s PUBER-GREETINGS.

“Just go with the flow!” Tee-hee! Get it? Because your innocence and your blood will be flowin’ right into your pants when you get to experience all the joys of Menarche, such as: emotional roller coasters, wide-ass hips, acne, sweaty-ass pits, periods, weight gain, and huge-ass feet. Remember what the cups said, sweetie, PUBERTY ROCKS!

Here’s some Midol and a variety pack of Tampax. Knock your snatch out.

Am I crazy in thinking this is probably hurting girls more than helping? I’m all for education, but this is fucking weird. Did your parents do anything weird for you? Your school? Your girlfriends?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Kelly: “My favorite “righters” are the ones who are convinced their right when they right the write words rong. And for a minute, I really thought this post was going to be about grammar. BUT I JUST MADE IT SO, SO I AM RIGHT, GODDAMMIT.” 
Bex May 9, 2012 at 2:31 am

What in the fuck is this?! All I got was a goddam soppy hallmark card! No lie. My mum was going through a divorce when I started to bleed. She couldn’t afford a menarche party. I think I better write her a letter & tell her how disappointed & ripped off I feel.

I mean, hello whore, Puberty Bingo….I would obviously rule at that seeing as I was a freak & grew tits when I was seven.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:22 am

Can you imagine being forced to play this in your sex ed classes?

I feel cheated.

Kim at Let Me Start By Saying May 9, 2012 at 6:07 am

Holy Shit. I love you.
Sorry, I meant to say: Holy Blood Clot. I love you.
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:23 am

I was touched, and then I felt violated.


Melbourne on my mind May 9, 2012 at 6:09 am

What in the name of fuckery is this???? I’m SO glad this didn’t exist when I had to deal with all this shit for the first time. Because the only way getting my first period (in the middle of the night on a family holiday in Fiji (where it was a million degrees and humid as hell) where ALL OF US WERE IN ONE ROOM (there’s not really any subtle way to get to the bathroom when you look like a murder victim from the waist down and are sharing a room with your entire family)…) could have been worse would have been if my mother had thrown me one of these.

I guess at least you could murder the person who threw you the party and get away with it. Any woman would be all “Dude. JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE”, while any guy would be all “Eeeeeeuw, womanly shit LALALALALALALALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!!” Or something.
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:24 am

I was in the locker room when I got my first one, and some dumb whore shouted, “Oh God, did someone punch you in the vagina?”

No, you cuntwhollop.

I feel a variation of Judge Judy coming on now.

Mayor Gia May 9, 2012 at 6:40 am

Awful. I could have gone my entire life without knowing this industry existed. When I got mine, I didn’t tell anyone (even my mom or sis) for about 4 months. I was a weird kid. If they tried to throw me a party, I would have run away from home.
Mayor Gia recently posted..50 Shades of TMI

CrazyTragicAlmostMagic May 11, 2012 at 2:12 pm

SAME!!!! I kept that shit a secret. Thank God for birth control. I take it daily and only see my dreaded aunt flo 2 or 3 time a year.
CrazyTragicAlmostMagic recently posted..Seriously, TGIF

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:25 am

It’s such an awful concept. NO THANKS, MOM.

KMo May 9, 2012 at 7:09 am

wrong, so wrong.
also – rapid foot growth as a key “symptom”? wtf?

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:26 am

I never knew. My feet have been the same size since I was 2.

Heather Bush May 9, 2012 at 7:13 am

No lie, when I started having my period at 11, my parents had not yet explained things to me. I seriously thought I was hemorrhaging, but was scared to tell my parents so I hid it from them. For a year.

When my father accidentally discovered (as in walked in on me in the bathroom) that I was indeed having a period, he stood on the front porch and yelled across the street to my mother who was having a picnic with my geography teacher. My male geography teacher that had just graduated college.

Everyone on the block knew then, including all of the cute boys in my class. My teacher could not look at me for the rest of the school year and just gave me As. The little old lady that lived next door put it on her calendar and every month would bring me warm muffins and a container of Celestial Seasonings.

Love the post, had to close my office door so I could laugh without disrupting anyone.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:27 am

I want to hug you for the horror you dealt with. No one talked about things in my family, and they stayed that way.

Diana Lark May 9, 2012 at 8:44 am

Holy hell. I was homeschooled and i STILL never saw anything this weird. My mom just showed me how to use a tampon, gave me a bottle of Motrin, and then took me out to buy shoes.
Diana Lark recently posted..Reason #11 Why I Should Live With My Boyfriend

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:28 am

That is the best induction to womanhood ever.

Stephanie May 9, 2012 at 8:51 am

Holy fuck, I was 9 years old and Christmas morning when Aunt Flo popped her head into my life. I received pads and tampons for Christmas that year. And the year after.

One thing I hated the most was changing the pad at school. My elementry school shared a set of bathrooms between the 5th and 6th grade classrooms. Without fail, there was always *someone* waiting in the bathroom for me to get done. And, not to mention, the school carried extras with the school nurse. Those fuckers made anyone sit 3 inchers higher off the chair…

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:29 am

I had a girl who asked during sex ed, “If I have to pee, can I just pee on the pad?”


Meg May 9, 2012 at 9:10 am

Of all the fucking crazy assed things I’ve ever heard of. These had to be created by a man with a sick sense of humor. Do women really celebrate getting their periods? Is there some kind of secret society that I am unaware of? The Red Tent Masonettes? I started my period at 10 and now my daughter is 10 and has pre-PMS. I’ve talked to her about what will happen, but we sure aren’t having a fucking party to celebrate it. At the rate we’re going with PMS, we’ll be lucky if both of us make it through alive. If we do, then we can celebrate that shit.
Meg recently posted..Experimenting With Manual Focus

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:30 am

Apparently, yes, people LOVE to celebrate that shit, because we’re ladies and it’s beautiful. NO.

Ninja Mom May 9, 2012 at 9:37 am

Menses, I thought they were for girlses!

Just ordered a Menarchery Kit for my oldest. She’s 7, but one can never be too prepared to celebrate Eve’s curse with horrifying public shaming. It has a target made of maxipads, a bow strung with fortified Fallopian tubes, and arrows tipped with tampons.

Holy fuck we need to thin the human herd. Who was allowed to live long enough to create this industry?
Ninja Mom recently posted..Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms and Fox and Hen Together.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:31 am

I need to see a Hunger Games version of this.

leigh May 9, 2012 at 9:40 am

my mom’s best friend gave me a congrats card when i got my period…. ya… that’s awesome… thanks…
that being said – i was a pretty cheesy 12 year old… so i probably that it was a flowers and rainbows moment to celebrate being one with mother nature.

i wrote myself a letter to be opened when i was 25 when i turned 13… i basically said i hope you are now one with the earth mamas – eating soy and foraging for roots and drinking hemp tea and all that shiz…so ya… i was such an awesome hippy-flowerchild….

something happened when i turned 16 though, cause the makeup and shaving started and the long flowing skirts and peasant shirts went out the window… hmmm… what happened….?

oh ya.


Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:32 am

I hope you framed that letter. I wish I would have done that.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd May 9, 2012 at 9:44 am

Just another reason why having daughters is so much more expensive. I wonder how many confused parents do this every month, it must cost a fortune.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..I liked The Godfather on Facebook and it led to this post.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:33 am

Their friends must get so sick of tamp-cake.

Janene May 9, 2012 at 9:49 am

I feel so gyped. I never got a card or a party to celebrate my entrance to “womanhood”. I need to address this ASAP with my Mom, and plan the par-tay now. Maybe I’ll invite some of my guy friends and they can share in belatedly celebrating the feminine monthly experience.

On a plus note, I now only have 12 more years to go before I get to have a valid excuse for my bitchiness as I “celebrate” menopause. Go me!

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:34 am

It’s not too late! Throw yourself a party, and send me pictures!

Ally May 9, 2012 at 10:02 am

This is completely absurd. I remember that for like 3 years when I was younger I thought dudes had periods too. I was super pissed when I found out they didn’t. I’m still pretty mad about it.
Ally recently posted..The Adventures of Quack

Dani May 9, 2012 at 10:42 am

You and me both, mama.
Dani recently posted..When Good Times Go Rogue

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:34 am

Oh no, they can all suck my asshole for not having them.

L-Kat May 9, 2012 at 10:11 am

This is fucking outrageously weird. No, thank God, my family/school/friends never did anything like this for me. Maybe my family is normal after all.
L-Kat recently posted..I have more disdain for technology after what the IT guys pulled

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:35 am

I would LOVE if this were a school party idea some mom had. So awkward.

DevilsHeaven May 9, 2012 at 10:24 am

A symptom card? WTF? More like a WARNING CARD for the other people in your life.
I’ve been having Aunt Flow since I was 9, and I am horrified that someone would try to trick young girls into believing this is all rainbows and kittens. I realize this can lead to the miracle of birth and all, but DAMN, you are not suppose to lie to your kids!
You know in some cultures when this happens to a girl, they get mutilated. How do you think they would feel about having a party after that?
DevilsHeaven recently posted..I Was Ahead of My Time

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:36 am

I love that the girl on that card is so bummed, and the inside cover is all, “YAYAYAYAYAYAY!!”

No thank you.

Dani May 9, 2012 at 10:41 am

Oh my fucking GOD. I thought this was just something that gay father’s did for their daughters. (As seen on Montel… or was it Sally Jesse? I don’t remember the host, I just remember the horror.)

Of course, I’m all old and shit, but I’m pretty sure if my mother had thrown me a Vagina Party at the onset of my period I would have been doubled over and cramping too badly to attend. That was back in the days when you had to hook your pad to a belt and pin it to your panties so that it wouldn’t fall down and roll out the bottom of your pant-leg. What would we have played then, you ask? Use the sanitary belt as a sling shot and see who can fling the ovary the farthest?

Menarche, my ass.

It’s called Shark Week, bitches.
Dani recently posted..When Good Times Go Rogue

Norway May 9, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Speaking of which… After reading your Shark Week post from a ways back, my friend and I agree that it’s kind of the perfect metaphor.

Not even related, my nickname has inexplicably been Sharky for the longest time. I think the universe is trying to tell me I’m a bitch.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:37 am

Oh no, normal ass suburban bitches do this all the time apparently. Being empowered means celebrating weird shit.

Oh, hold on, my husband’s throwing himself a boner party. It’s his 4,567th one!

Puna May 9, 2012 at 1:11 pm

The experience itself was pretty traumatizing without adding in all this menstrual love crapola. My mother went out and bought me a bag of the biggest pads available, you know, the ones that looked that little mini air mattresses for your barbies, and had me try them on although I hadn’t quite needed them yet. When I walked out of the bathroom walking like a cowboy after a day’s ride, my grandmother said, “Where’s the strap?” and sent me running for the hills. My little menarche-a-tois was quite enough for me, thanks.
Puna recently posted..Monday Is The New Tuesday

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:38 am

I loved the visual of you on the saddle pad.

I’ll never look at Always the same again.

Jana May 9, 2012 at 3:24 pm

OMG – you have no idea how appropriate this was when I read it this morning. I am very sad to say that my baby is almost a card carrying member of the menarchy club.

And no, there will be no cake and or decoration – there will only be booze for mom and long suffering silence from hubby.
Jana recently posted..Beware the vagina apocalypse

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:39 am

OH PLEASE throw her a party? Just so I can see how awkward it really is?

Jen May 9, 2012 at 3:38 pm

My mom took me down to the creek and taught me to change the sedge grass in my thong once we’d determined that the leather from the snowy rabbit we’d skinned was pliant and absorbent. . .oh, wait. . .that was ‘Clan of the Cave Bear’. Oh, yeah! I remember! Mother took me downstairs and made me kneel in the closet and pray after I told her how the other girls had thrown tampons at me in gym class and. . .oh, yeah. . .that was ‘Carrie’. I seem to have somehow repressed the memory of my first menses. That’s probably due to the dementia I sustained after being bitten by tracker-jackers in a televised post-Apocalyptic death match. That shit’ll fuck you up fo’ sho’.
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Meg May 10, 2012 at 4:02 am

This response is the reason I think you’re ridiculously fucking awesome.
Meg recently posted..Experimenting With Manual Focus

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:39 am


Phoenix Rising May 9, 2012 at 3:50 pm

When my oldest got her period I made a cake. With white frosting and a big slash of red down the middle symbolizing a red river. Then I put tampons in it like candles. And I bought her a bunch of pads and tampons. I have a picture of her next to it glaring her hate and spitting venom out of her eyes. It’s seriously one of my favorites. (I told her if she ever had sex I was going public with it.) It was a far cry from when I got my period and I told my mom. In hushed, embarrassed tones she whispered, “there’s stuff for that under the sink!” She was totally old school because when I looked there was a freaking brown paper bag that had a belt in it and a pad with no sticky stuff (how the hell was it going to stay where it was supposed to?!). It sure wasn’t what we learned in health class.
Phoenix Rising recently posted..The One in Which I Explain How a Pimped Out Frog Saves me from Murderers

Jana May 9, 2012 at 4:07 pm

You are awesome. I need more information, really, my whole purpose in having girls was to torment them like that.
Jana recently posted..Beware the vagina apocalypse

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:43 am

I swear to God I had a blackout after reading this because you comment inspired me to go google something and then I ended up on a tumblr full of malformed nipples.

Totally unrelated, but I figured you might like to know. Please make me a cake?

Jillian May 9, 2012 at 4:37 pm

I got my first period on Valentine’s Day, so I feel that a card and some flowers would have been appropriate.

“Some people have sex. You just get fucked.”
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:43 am

On. The. Floor.

Well done.

Jaclyn May 9, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Thank GOD my mom did not try to pull some shit like this. She simply said “Yeah. It sucks. Wear dark pants.” and then told me that when she got her first period, her mom “started ripping up a sheet”.

I really can’t imagine having all my friends and family gather to “celebrate” the most awful, mortifying thing that had ever happened to me. It would be like my mom putting together a party to celebrate the time I shit my pants in the 7th grade and realized I was lactose intolerant like all the other ladies in my family.
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:44 am

That last paragraph was the best parallel I have ever read.

Good. Lord. That was brilliant.

Andi Davies May 9, 2012 at 10:50 pm

My mom tried that for about five minutes. “You’re a woman, honey — maybe we should celebrate!” Apparently, I had serious bitchface even at 12 because the matter was promptly dropped and NEVER BROUGHT UP AGAIN.

Still better than the reaction of my best friend’s mom who, in accordance with Jewish tradition, slapped me on both cheeks the next time I walked in her house. Hard, I might add. Come to think of it, that might be a better preparation for womanhood than a party.
Andi Davies recently posted..Black is the New Black — Me-Made-May ’12, Days 8 and 9

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:46 am

At least with the slap, you know what you’re in for.

Dave in Sherman May 9, 2012 at 11:15 pm

Normally, for the most part, I would not dare post on a topic like this except that I grew up with two sisters who eventually synced in cycles with my mom. Yeah, shark week, no shit, and I had on a chum necklace. Now it is different. My daughter started her cycle the month my wife started pre-menopause. Throw in two female pit bulls and here I am again with that fucking chum bucket around my neck. My only help is my cat and he got neutered when we adopted him from the shelter. He just looks at me and licks his ex-balls and gives me a “fuck you, bud!” look and goes “La la la la la la la, kiss my ass, you deal with them, I don’t have to!”
At least when you are bitches, you got an excuse. Makes me appreciate the rest of the month.
Dave in Sherman recently posted..Week 14

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:47 am

I enjoy that men think it’s just a few days of bullshit. Nope, your hormones fluctuate all throughout the month. Ever felt out of control of your body? No?


Teresa May 9, 2012 at 11:57 pm

Please, please, please tell me you made this up.

When I got my period for the first time my mom told me I was “now a Woman.” Then she called my sister to tell her. And her friends.

I still haven’t recovered.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:56 am

And now, it’s all gonna be put on Facebook!

Becky May 10, 2012 at 1:32 am

Oh. My. God. This is absolutely the most wrong thing I have ever seen. This is what that first awfully awkward sex ed class in 5th grade is for. Hardcore granola crunch going on here. Who actually celebrates getting a period? Congrats on finally learning why women curse their bodies once a month. Ugh.
Becky recently posted..An Intervention, or Not.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:57 am

It’s a shitty life, here’s a game board!

CoreyFerns May 10, 2012 at 2:52 am

What? no Fallopian Twister?

Hacky-sack ovaries?

What bullshit, if those games aren’t on the party plan YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

Thank god I’m a guy, I can’t imagine a HUZZAH!! YOUR BALLS JUST DROPPED..Party..
CoreyFerns recently posted..Sunday, 8th November 2009

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:58 am

Holy SHIT.


Mandi E. May 10, 2012 at 6:56 am

I get like, one period a year. In our household, any mention of it is usually limited to “You are NOT the father!” and then we go about our lives. It was pretty much the same as a teenager. I never understood the big deal some girls and their moms made about it. Congratulations! You shed unwanted fetus cushions! You are now every bit as normal and mundane as every other woman on the planet. STFU.
Mandi E. recently posted..Auto Correct Has Left Me Handicapped.

Dani May 10, 2012 at 8:28 am


There needs to be a reality show called “Mandi Explains It All.”
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Misty May 10, 2012 at 9:31 am

I would totally DVR the hell out of that shit. And watch it repeatedly with a huge glass of wine, whilst copiously taking notes.
Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:58 am

I celebrate the fact that once again every month, I won’t be a parent! WOOHOO!

nadine May 10, 2012 at 8:05 am

One day in 6th grade I came home and there was a pamphlet and a box of pads on my dresser. My mom and I never discussed it. I didn’t get my period for another 2 years. That is definitely the opposite of a bumbaclot party.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:59 am

Your mom wins.

Misty May 10, 2012 at 9:32 am

I swear, Noa, if you are making this shit up, you are the most warped and twisted mean ass genius bitch of all time. I have never heard of such douchebaggery in my entire life. So so so so glad that I have boys!
Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes

Noa May 17, 2012 at 4:00 am

I am not that good with photoshop. It’s legit legit.

Valerie May 10, 2012 at 10:13 pm

I spent the day at work yelling “PUBERTY” whenever I had an awkward moment. Which was a lot, surprisingly. That is… Until The Man came down on me and tried to stifle my right to be a woman. Communists.


Valerie recently posted..I plan road trips like I’m hunting a serial killer

Noa May 17, 2012 at 4:01 am

I can’t wait to do that to Adrian all day tomorrow. PUBERTY!

CrazyTragicAlmostMagic May 11, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Just knowing that this industry exists makes me hurt “down there”. (Yea, that was a 50 shades jab)
CrazyTragicAlmostMagic recently posted..Seriously, TGIF

Noa May 17, 2012 at 4:02 am

weh weh weh….

Do they use “down there” a lot in 50 shades? Really? In a porn book they say “down there?”

Bill G. May 11, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Oh my fucking god, make it stop!! Who is doing this?! When I was in little league baseball at the age of 11, I had my balls and the baseball intersect in time and space. It was very unpleasant. I can’t imagine throwing an impromptu party because it was the first time I got hit in the nads (that my parents know of). Now take that embarrassment, multiply it by 10,000, and it still can’t approach having dear ole mum throw a party because you had your period. For an encore, let’s break out the old kindergarten pageant photos where you were dressed as a turnip and your face is the same shade of green as the costumed celery next to you because you had a nice case of the flu percolating.

As a dude, I can’t imagine any of this. Taking video of my vasectomy and having a good laugh around the family living room wouldn’t come close to this shit. There is a place in hell for people who throw these parties.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 4:03 am

It’s the same place in hell for people who call each other “crunchy mamas” and smell like patchouli.

Hoody Hoo May 14, 2012 at 7:21 am

I got the traditional “mysterious package in the mail” — that turned out to be Kotex and shit. So my mailman knew the day I started my period.
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 4:04 am

Why is there not a BloodFairy?

elizabeth- flourishinprogress May 21, 2012 at 7:03 pm

My parents most certainly did NOT do anything special for me. In fact, they conveniently forgot to mention that I was even supposed to get such a thing. So for the first day that I had my period, I just thought I had diarrhea. I swear to God.
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Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:11 pm

I love that. My mom was never told what was happening either, so she made DAMN SURE I knew what was going on, and it was fucking awful. I read the pamphlets, mom. I will not be going to you with any problems.

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