The Answer Won’t Surprise You

05/14/2012 · 51 comments

in Psychological Warfare, What Is Wrong With You?

Did I miss anything? Have you seen anything recently that’s especially egregious?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Kelly: “She is in our town filming a movie with Owen Wilson and Zach Galifinakis. If I run into her at the Walmart, I will tell her you love her. In a totally non-creepy way, of course.”
Abby May 14, 2012 at 6:10 am

Is it a self-portrait you took of yourself in the bathroom make “sexy” face? Do you refer to your boyfriend as “the boy” or “the hubs?” “Are you seeking validation to enable your stupidity?” I could go on and on, and actually have a similar post in a draft right now, but I’ve reached an “I’m just sounding like a bitch now and should get off the Internet” point in writing it.

Perhaps I’ll just refer them here…
Abby recently posted..Word Search Vol. 3

Misty May 14, 2012 at 8:37 am

Wait . . . is referring to your husband as “the hubs” wrong? Damn! Now I have to go get off the internet, apparently. Bye everyone. :(
Misty recently posted..Back on the Horse

Jen May 14, 2012 at 11:20 am

Do you use abbreviated words like “totes” and “luv”? Then you, my friend, are a vapid whore. Get off the motherfucking Internet.
Jen recently posted..The Red Dress Playlist: "Cruel To Be Kind"

Misty May 14, 2012 at 11:28 am

Or “vacay” and “ROFLMFAO?” I shudder at your whoredom.
Misty recently posted..Back on the Horse

Abby May 14, 2012 at 11:47 am

I’m not whoring myself out here, but I wrote about this a couple of months ago. STUF with the acronyms already.
http://abbyhasissues.com/2012/03/17/use-your-words/

Abby May 14, 2012 at 11:47 am

Damn. STFU.
Abby recently posted..Word Search Vol. 3

Jana May 15, 2012 at 12:52 pm

What the fuck does totes mean anyway….damn since I asked that, I should just get off the internet.
Jana recently posted..Beware the vagina apocalypse

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:08 am

I need to stop hating everyone so much, but IT’S SO HARD, ABBY.

Mayor Gia May 14, 2012 at 6:48 am

Hahahah excellent! What about “Are you a spam monster who claims not to be a spam monster but knows a great site where you can meet millionaire singles?” GO DIE, SPAM MONSTERS.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Rut. And May I Add, ROH.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:09 am

They are getting so goddamn sneaky these days.

Dani May 14, 2012 at 8:38 am

Vaguebook status updates, such as “Whatever.”

The Flounce: “I’m going to be off of Facebook forever, thanks to the fucking whore who told me I misspelled something.”

The Facebook Addiction confession: “Friends, I’m going to have to be off of Facebook for a while. It’s interfering too much with my life.”

AND the “Re-post if you Love Jesus, Hate Cancer, What to End Bullying Forever, Want To Save A Child With A Weird, Uncurable, Genetic Disease. If you don’t do this, you are a horrible person and I’m pretty sure I know who you are.”
Dani recently posted..When Good Times Go Rogue

nadine May 14, 2012 at 8:42 am

I love hating on those facebook morons (mostly from high school) so much… then go on twitter and talk shit about idiots. I’m just as bad as the rest of em :(
nadine recently posted..I am tired: an artistic interpretation

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd May 14, 2012 at 10:22 am

“Did you copy and paste it?” Yes=get off the internet. “95% of you won’t share….” shut the fuck up!
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..The All-New Super Friends Round Up S2 Ep3D – “Space Emergency”

Eleanor May 14, 2012 at 10:23 am

Amen to the reposting shit. If re posting a stupid blurb gets that kid thier surgery, someone is a huge asshole for holding out on the kid based on Facebook posts. And seriously, if that shit worked, there would be no bullying, cancer, etc because I get enough of those in my timeline to cure them 10 times over.
Eleanor recently posted..Spring is here, spa-ring is here….

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:10 am

I love the weird underbelly of Facebook. There’s no better way to feel like you have so much less drama than to read a little Facebook.

nadine May 14, 2012 at 8:41 am

Hating on people on facebook is a hobby.
nadine recently posted..I am tired: an artistic interpretation

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:10 am

Pinterest is a fantastic source too!

Misty May 14, 2012 at 8:47 am

if your entire statement has no capitalization punctuation or grammar get off the internet you twat you make my head hurt

Also . . . if yur entire comment is written in text speak LOL u no wut i meen i h8 u so much!!!!
Misty recently posted..Back on the Horse

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:11 am

I have been answering comments after a couple of beers, so my punctuation gets a little boned here and there.

But yes. Agree. Yes.

Jeff May 14, 2012 at 8:48 am

Don’t hurt me, but you spelled “off” wrong in one of your boxes.

Todd May 15, 2012 at 8:28 pm

Hahah… I considered pointing that out but thought, “Is it a correction or other passive-aggressiveness…”

You, sir, have saved me from myself, Jeff.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:13 am

I, weirdly, enjoy people correcting my typos. Thank you.

Also, I’m not even being sarcastic. I’m just too goddamn lazy to fix it.

Eleanor May 14, 2012 at 10:27 am

Let’s face it, the internet is your disfunctional family. You want to get away from the crazy, but you would miss the awesome and hell, they need you to balance out the crazies.
Eleanor recently posted..Spring is here, spa-ring is here….

Pish Posh May 14, 2012 at 11:46 am

And just like your dysfunctional family, you really need alcohol to deal with it for any long period of time.

I’m totally allowed to use the internet. Although sometimes I’m not. Sometimes I’m a bitch and correct people’s spelling. But I’m an English teacher so I think of it sort of as a disability that people should give me a break about.
Pish Posh recently posted..Am I a Serial Killer?

Eleanor May 14, 2012 at 3:48 pm

I really should thank you, then, for not giving me shit about my run on sentence. I have a hard time with the bad spelling as well. I do not have the excuse that I am an English teacher, though. Something just rankles me when I see it in supposed professionally written articles. If you can’t be arsed to proofread your article, I can’t be arsed to finish it, and I get the right to taunt you in the comments. You’re a professional writer? Then write professionally.
Eleanor recently posted..Spring is here, spa-ring is here….

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:14 am

I love the internet so very much, because it makes me feel so normal and yet so douchey.

Internet: Where We’re All Jacked!

Dana the Biped May 14, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Fuck. I was going to comment, but I hear I have to leave the Internet. (But seriously, there/they’re/their isn’t all that goddamn hard. I am here for the edification of the masses, motherfucker.)

Also, the next time I see the phrase “totes cray-cray” I’m going to lose my shit. Use your words, people! Use your words!
Dana the Biped recently posted..Possum Face! (Or Not.)

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:14 am

Cray-cray is the best phrase ever to drive people crazy.

I mean, that shit cray.

Jaime May 14, 2012 at 6:19 pm

I’m so sad because I probably fulfill so many of those… but it’s ok cuz I’m awesome. There should be a sidenote.. you can say whatever you want if you’re awesome.
Jaime recently posted..Conversations with my Vagina ..Part Two!

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:15 am

OKAY OKAY OKAY. I left up a spam comment JUST FOR YOU TO SEE. Go down to Chucky near the bottom. I’ll wait.

DID YOU SEE THAT FUCKING SHIT!?!?!

Jillian May 14, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Obama does love butts. I read that on a website that promised to reduce my belly fat and hook me up with young, Asian women. They spelled “diabetes” and “contraception” correctly, so it seemed legit.
Jillian recently posted..“Your Mom…” Oh Wait. This is about My Mom.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:16 am

I can’t spell diabetes right without spellcheck. I usually go for diabeetus.

Valerie May 14, 2012 at 10:30 pm

If only people would read this and then NOT post on the internet… But, then again, who would I mock relentlessly?!?! OH. DEAR. GOD… The worst has happened.
Valerie recently posted..Tales from The Road (with a badass battle axe in the trunk)

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:17 am

Don’t worry, those that need to read this won’t.

Andi Davies May 14, 2012 at 11:31 pm

HEY! Where did everybody go?
Andi Davies recently posted..Me-Made-May ’12, Day 11 — Hair Apparent

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:18 am

Crickets.

CoreyFerns May 15, 2012 at 12:11 am

I..should be worried that I may fall into a few of those categories, though thankfully not ‘Lawl speak’ and truncating words to make stupid words that could mean they’re insulting you or trying to sound logical.

Also…I’m stuck in another Flow Chart loop, DAMN YOU FLOWCHARTS! There isn’t even a loop to get stuck in..and I’m still stuck in the loop of being an asshole by picking on people who use lol speak. Flow Charts and Auto Correct have now become my arch Nemis..Nemi..Okay I may need someone with Grammar skills to help me with that one…Fuck it..Enemies.
CoreyFerns recently posted..Sunday, 8th November 2009

Mandi E. May 16, 2012 at 9:03 pm

No. Absolutely not. As I previously stated in Adventures in Landlording, unless you are heading up a major drug/crime syndicate or you ARE, in fact, a superhero, you do not have enemies or nemeses. Just NO. BAD Corey! BAD!
Mandi E. recently posted..WTF Friday: Adventures in Landloring, Part Four – The Parental Unit is Out of Order.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:19 am

LolSpeak is the chlamydia of the internet. Curable, but you’ll get it again soon enough.

NO.

CoreyFerns May 20, 2012 at 5:32 am

I could be a superhero?….The next time some one uses LOL speak, i’m going shakespearean on their ass…

“Lol…I haz kittenz cause I am l337″

“Dost Mother know thou art a gigantic cod piece?”

We should have rules so ‘FUCK YOU..but politely’ Speech cannot be used for the wrong purposes.
CoreyFerns recently posted..Sunday, 8th November 2009

Chucky May 15, 2012 at 7:45 am

I probably fulfill so many of those… but it’s ok cuz I’m awesome. There should be a sidenote.. you can say whatever you want if you’re awesome.
Chucky recently posted..Good Low Carb Diets

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:20 am

Thank you so much for straight up copying and pasting. That’s entirely too much work for a spammer.

Ms. Plaid Dressy Pants May 16, 2012 at 9:59 am

I so wish that this was a required, standardized test before anyone could comment on anything in the history of ever again. The dumbassess online just make me TIRED.
Ms. Plaid Dressy Pants recently posted..Hey guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl, I found a cure for acne.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:20 am

I love a good shitshow. The internet is endless hours of joy for me!

Tracy May 17, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Uh-oh. Since I’m an ISTJ, I kind of enjoy noticing errors. I might have just started posting photos of errors on Facebook with the tag #YouNeedAnEditor. But you know what? You’re right, I should totally be getting off the Internet.

Also, I’m annoyed that I didn’t notice the “of” when you meant “off” until Jeff and Todd mentioned it. Damn it, I’m slipping.
Tracy recently posted..Supermoon, My Ass

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:02 pm

I’ve recently started trolling Facebook posts where people are needlessly indignant or just. can’t. spell.

I say that, and I just will not fix that “of.”

robin May 18, 2012 at 12:53 am

I like to go by: Have you had enough alcohol?
No. Get off the internet and have another drink.
Yes. Get off the internet and have another drink.
robin recently posted..Birthday Parties: A sign of the apocalypse?

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:06 pm

That is the best decision tree ever.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress May 21, 2012 at 7:00 pm

I can’t believe I’m even writing this shit down because it is so disgusting but….yesterday, I was watching some YouTube videos of Jenyne Butterfly, my favorite pole dancer of all time, and on the side, you know where they have other vids you might be interested in watching, there was a video of an IUD insertion.

I will never go on YouTube again. Nevermind that I can watch clips of Dane Cook for free. Fuck that shit. I don’t need to destroy my mind. I wasn’t even prepared for that shit. In fact, I’m barfy now just thinking about it.
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..Monday Dare: Ugh Life

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:08 pm

That dark-ass underbelly is going to get you every time. You think, “sure, that looks similar,” and then, “oh, huh, weird,” and then you’re stuck in, “SWEET JESUS WHY?” for the rest of the day.

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