Memos To Badasses: Japan, Y’all

05/30/2012 · 56 comments

in I Want This., Memos to Badasses, Psychological Warfare

Japan:

You’re so absurdly badass that sometimes it’s hard for me to breathe with the level of mind-fucking glory you produce.

There is a very, very fine line between great art and batshit insanity, and you, as a country, walk that line better than Warhol. Sometimes, your perfectionism and attention to detail creates breathtaking works of genius that sometimes bring tears to my eyes.

You brought us Geisha and Maiko, known the world over for beauty, art and grace in its purest form.

Three Fucking Badass Maiko

I mean, shit. Look at that. We can’t compete with that. They’re beautiful, and they’re incredibly talented, and they can drink your white ass under the table. That’s their job–they drink and they are living treasures of traditional art. You will never be that amazing.

You brought us Akira, one of the most well-known and loved anime films. The attention to detail in Akira is astonishing and sets an unbelievable standard of excellence in art and storytelling.

It's what I see in my dreams

The above photo is a minor background piece seen for about a half a second in one shot of the film, after being layered under a shitload more backgrounds. Nothing was looked over. Nothing was considered ‘good enough’. Here I sit, figuring out how much I can shit all over my final exam to eek out a good enough grade, and this exists.

Your architecture and design is off-the-charts gorgeous. If I could build any house I wanted to live in, it would look exactly like this:

Get. In. My. House.

I just want to sit and stare at this room for days. I feel like a goddamn princess just looking at this. No one else has a room like that in their house. I mean, how many people ever look at their dining room table and think, “This makes me feel like motherfucking royalty?”

THE ANSWER IS EVERYONE WHO IS NOT IN JAPAN.

Beauty may be a strong suit, but sometimes you choose to walk the batshit insane side of the line, and create the hub of the world’s fascination with the weird.

I love you because you are crazy, Japan. You are crazy and you just. don’t. give. any. fucks. You produce an overwhelming per-capita ratio of insane. You are the world’s leader of ridiculous.

Fashion in Japan

You are the country with vending machines full of panties. You are the country where people have long-lasting relationships with body pillows. You are the country where there is a video game about a human girl that needs to date some pigeons for some reason.

Free to download, and totally worth it (click for the download page)

One of the pigeons runs track, one of them is racist as shit. Sometimes they wear clothes, and sometimes they’re horrific serial killers who feed you the body of your boyfriend and then murder your face right off your body and into a jar. The above photo is my desktop wallpaper, and the fulfillment of my dreams.

We laugh and giggle and make fun of the serious prom photo accent problem, but some pigeon who learned programming and this is his manifesto of hatred.

Soon.

You gave us the Hide Penis Dance, because I imagine a lot of what it’s like to be a dude is wondering what a friend slapping you on a dick with a paper fan might look like.

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Just…what the fuck was that, Japan? There are like, 18 guys on stage slamming each other in the cockrods in the most sexually confusing video I have ever seen.

You gave us Kyary Pamyu Pamyu, Japan’s answer to Lady Gaga. There is more toast involved, and really, I felt like that was sorely lacking in Gaga’s act.

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I somehow feel like less of a person for not having an onion friend.

And you gave us the catchiest songs about how good vegetables are, complete with isolations and tomato headdresses. Also the purple one is obscenely adorable and is a boy.

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I know this dance. I know this dance because I have watched this video around 200 times. I need help, you guys.

I can’t get enough of your crazy, Japan. I never will. Please, for the love of Dragonball Z and Gundam Wing, keep it coming.

I know you will have to work very hard to do so.

Love,

Noa D. Gavin-Chan

Do you have a fascination with a country? What makes it special for you? Have you ever been to visit?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Chooplah: “Symbols in your dreams that represent the male erect penis: hipster zombie, couch cushion, Hogwarts Express, Alec Baldwin’s tuxedo bowtie, Lowes home improvement center.”
Mayor Gia May 30, 2012 at 6:50 am

Ha! I never really thought about Japan’s level of crazy, but you’re right. It’s off the charts.
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Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:04 am

It’s fucking insane, and I love every little bit of it.

Daina May 30, 2012 at 6:57 am

Not NEAR as enamored as you, darlin, but I do agree- they smoked the snot outta us with the Olympics. They got better, or at least more variety, with their McDonald’s and KFCs. Their clothing, dating and housing options all seem to be pretty diverse and colorful. Unfortunately, the one place they get it wrong is with vehicles. Top Gear (the BRITISH show, mind you… those American quacks are hacks), showed us this year how very, very wrong our friends to the East are currently getting it within the auto industry. So, go check it out over there. Oooh and ahh and shop – but do it online and from afar. Don’t drive, don’t be on the roads. Their little lawnmower engines in the jacked up, almost-Honda sedan are totally bound to fail on your obviously American butt on the freeway where you will fall victim to Japanese highway bandits who will unload you of all your shopping loot, your almost-Honda, and your American cash. It’s a conspiracy, I say. :) BTW – Love Love Love Your Blogs, Posts, Quips, and Funny Shit!!!

Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:05 am

They have a green-tea Kit Kat Bar.

We fucking lose.

BTW–thanks! Glad you like it!

Bill G. July 1, 2012 at 1:17 pm

I partially agree with you on Japanese cars. But, I have to say, Japan has done a great job overcoming and adapting on that front.

I had a 1990 Honda Civic (4-door sedan) that I bought new and owned it until 2001. That 4-cylinder was gutless. It worked great in flat-as-a-pancake Hampton Roads, VA where most of my commute was in stop-and-go traffic. But get it up to 70 on the freeway and it sound like an over-revved lawnmower that is about to explode. It felt like it needed two more gears.

In 2001, I once again bought Japanese. I’d love to buy American but the reliability just isn’t there. This time, I got a Toyota Camry with a V-6. That car has balls, I can hang with anybody but the higher-end sports cars. It’s rock solid at 110 MPH and nowhere close to red-line, I’ve done that twice in a safe place (with permission, a friend of a friend owns a stretch of private road in northern Utah).

My wife bought a 2009 Toyota RAV-4. I cringed that she wanted to buy a 4-cylinder, I vowed never to buy one again. I’m not going to tell you that it has awesome performance, but the acceleration is decent and it purrs along at 85 on the interstate no problem. No rapping out at 70 MPH and it doesn’t take 40 years to get there like my old Civic. I’m pretty impressed with what they can get out of a 4-cylinder. The only conclusion I can come to is that the Japanese auto manufacturers (at least Toyota) have really figured out the gearing and the engines are probably a lot more efficient. (And on a quick note, all the stories about uncommanded acceleration are the biggest bunch of shit ever. Somebody had an accident where a floor mat came loose and caused the accelerator to be stuck at a high throttle setting. That person generated a bunch of publicity, a lot of people who were trying to get out of accidents that were their fault came out of the woodwork, and the media loves to whip things into a frenzy. On the word of test engineers that I know personally (including two employed at NASA), it’s all a ton of bullshit.)

The thing that I’ve noticed about the guys at Top Gear is that their reviews have become very predictable. According to them, Jaguar and Alpha Romeo can do no wrong, Porsches are all junk, Ferrari and Audi are a mixed bag, and everything about every American car is just horrible. Alpha Romeo and Jaguar’s obvious well-known problems are pooh-poohed, minimized, and smoothed over. Everybody else’s car problems are magnified 100 times. If you watch the show for a while, the bias is really obvious. Yep, those $400,000 Ferraris are just garbage. The Jaguar XJ series that need a major engine tune-up every 6,000 miles and the Range Rovers that live in the shop are just as good as gold to them.

Bottom line: Toyota and Honda haven’t been a powerhouse for the last 40 years by turning out junk. The Top Gear guys hate anything that costs less than $80,000 and doesn’t go 150 MPH in 2nd gear if it isn’t British. Great show, very entertaining, but a lot biases there. Anymore I DVR, fast forward through the car reviews, and go straight for the challenges.

Dani May 30, 2012 at 7:12 am

I’m sorely disappointed that there was no Full Monty moment at the conclusion of the Hidden Peener Dance.

I mean, it’s not like I want to see Japanese Peener, but I felt like I deserved something after they’d been slapping eachother in the hoo-hah for 5 minutes.

I have heard a rumor that Japanese men have teeny peens so maybe that’s why they were hidden?

Notice how I didn’t notice a thing after the Hidden Peener Dance?

Dani May 30, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Also? I imagine being swatted in the wang by all those fans would eventually… ummm…. never mind.
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Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:07 am

It’s a total letdown there, but be honest, would you have been that excited?

CoreyFerns May 30, 2012 at 8:07 am

Always had an inkling there was a hidden otaku in the Gavin closet, there were hints…

Also, you forget, they also gave us Metal Gear Solid, Cowboy Bebop (just watch for the soundtrack, the story is just as awesome)…and..Air sex…which looks like the equivalent to the retarded funky chicken.

I want to live there…and not just because of a little yellow fever, that I may or may not be admitting to, but because its an artist paradise..sorta.

Oh yeah, they also gave us Godzilla..this list could go on for a while….

Also, Japanese cars aren’t all that bad, around here where temperatures get to about 52 degrees celcius (yes, I live in the 3rd circle of hell) those cars last like mother fuckers, and they’re cheap and reliable as a one legged hooker who really needs the work.
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Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:09 am

I’m not hardcore, but I come really fucking close to hardcore. Any country that gives me Fullmetal Alchemist and Gundam Wing is my favorite.

Kenny Boy May 30, 2012 at 8:38 am

My indoctrination with all the glory that is Japan began with Ultraman and Godzilla. That shit was spectacular when I was a kid.

It continued when I saw The Last Samauri. Great flick.

Then one weekend I watched Real Sex on HBO. There was a Japanese game show called Piss Power where naked women with pixilated crotches wandered around a set peeing on various and sundry machinery, making lights light up and fans turn.

Never change, Japan.

Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:10 am

Coming to NBC this fall: Piss Powwwwaaaaaaaaaaaa

Misty May 30, 2012 at 8:53 am

If I ever visited this magical land, my head would probably explode from all of the absolutely fuckedupedness that I would try to take pictures of constantly. They might break me.

I love how in the hide my penis (peni?) dance, the looks on the women’s faces just scream, “for the love of Hello Kitty, Fan Dancing Malfunction!! Please.” They are on the edge of their seats just waiting for someone to drop a fan.

Which is odd, because normally men can’t wait to show women their dongs. Why so shy, Japan?
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Dani May 30, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Read my post above. All your questions will be answered, Grasshoppah.

Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:12 am

Japan: maybe you can see our penises.

I must visit there. MUST.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd May 30, 2012 at 9:19 am

I’m going to the grocery store later today, and there better be adorable food-themed dancers in the the produce section or I’ll be really disappointed.
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Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:15 am

I will always hope, and then when they don’t appear, I will perform the dance myself.

Eleanor May 30, 2012 at 9:36 am

But the fans make it so much more fun! :) They also probably have to make sure to keep it wang free for TV.
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Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:22 am

Even the music video was wang-free! They’re just teases.

Scott May 30, 2012 at 9:46 am

OK, I’ll contribute my own personal favorite: This guy is (I think) Korean, but lives in Japan and I think you’ll agree he’s completely embraced the culture: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzQOJPJdcC0

He’s a fucking sick bass player, and has excellent taste in clothes.

Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:23 am

Oh, Japan. You are the master off all things strange.

Ally May 30, 2012 at 9:51 am

Ninja Warrior, Iron Chef, every badass horror movie ever. Japan is a hub of pop culture awesomeness.
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Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:24 am

Also? MXC. GO. YOUTUBE. ENJOY.

Jillian May 30, 2012 at 10:28 am

Anyone who came up with those little rice candies is good people in my book.
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Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:25 am

Pocky? AMAZING.

Tans May 30, 2012 at 10:39 am

While Japan is off the charts crazy, and I do want to get there someday, it’s Scotland that does it for me.

You see, I’m down with any country whose men are badass enough to pull off a kilt and not bat an eye. No one dares call them Sally because they aren’t all khaki’d up. These bastards even go the extra mile and go commando at all times underneath the flannel. These dudes fought wars in kilts. Chopped trees. Built houses. Farmed. All while swinging the penis freely.

And yes, while I understand that mixed in the ball hanging, skirt wearing male population there are those less than desirables, but I feel that the good ones more than make up for the old saggy ones.

Don’t even get me started on their accents. Oh baby. I’ve been to Scotland once, and it was about 10 years ago. I’ve been hooked ever since.
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Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:27 am

SCOTLAND IS THE FUCKING BEST.

1) Best hamburgers in the world.
2) Haggis is pretty good.
3) IRN-BRU MOTHAFUCKASSSS

leigh May 30, 2012 at 11:02 am

wtf…. dude….

now i have that candy love song in my head… chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing…

yowzers.

my dog is Japanese… maybe that’s why we nicknamed him the nutter… cause he’s def. gotz some cray cray up in there.

Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:28 am

When he sends you his body double in a creep-mask, he will be fully trained.

Andi Davies May 30, 2012 at 1:12 pm

THANK YOU FOR THIS, NOA. The next time the Hubs demands to know why I want to go to Tokyo because what could possibly be so entertaining there, I’m going to make him read ALL of this article. And then maybe he will understand a sliver of my fascination.

Although I might have him skip the penis dance because I don’t really want to explain that.
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Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:29 am

I’ve been trying to convince Adrian to take me for 4 years, and when he saw this, that motherfucker agreed.

Dana the Biped May 30, 2012 at 5:25 pm

I dunno. I’m from Wisconsin, and we’ve got the awesome/batshit thing down pretty damn well, albeit in a more camo/less vegetables kind of way. There’s something lovely in all the country schoolhouses/churches/graveyards/rusty windmills that have stood for a century or more, and the way people really do grow and hunt many of the things that end up on their table. (Yeah, I’m from that part of Wisconsin. Not the hippie part.)

Then again, I was at FleetFarm over the weekend and had the opportunity to purchase a camouflage babydoll/thong lingerie set. The display was inbetween the fishing equipment and the big motherfucking grills. We’re also home to the biggest company in the United States that makes big motherfucking fiberglass farm animals. (F.A.S.T. Corp, if you were wondering.)

There’s no place like home.
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Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:30 am

Why….why would we need giant fiberglass farm animals?!

Valerie May 30, 2012 at 7:12 pm

I remember the exact moment I fell in love with Japan. A couple of years ago, I came across an article on strange sex toys. One of said toys was a human shaped severed head you could fuck in the neck. Not the mouth. Not the ear. Japan’s too good for the obvious.

And That is the moment my eyes turned into hearts and I yelled something that didn’t even make sense. All for you, Japan. You crazy motherfucker.

Hugs!

Valerie
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Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:32 am

I REMEMBER THAT. The fact that there is a market for neck fucking is baffling in and of itself, but to mass produce is another.

Stephanie May 30, 2012 at 9:02 pm

The Hide Penis Dance totally turned a shitty day into the best day ever. OMG! I will have to save the rest for tomorrow.

Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:32 am

I hope it will continue to make you confusedly aroused and smiley.

The Six-Fingered Monkey May 30, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Fucking. Brilliant. And so fucking weird… Japan just jizzes awesomeness.

Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:33 am

That’s how they got Okinawa.

Bud May 31, 2012 at 5:07 am

Speaking of Kyary Pamyu Pamyu, I always thought her video for Pon Pon Pon was the trippiest. Does your comment system strip out URLs? Let us see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pb3IdLdIc6s&feature=relmfu

Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:34 am

I LOVE Pon Pon Pon. What is with the lady in the pink?

Meg May 31, 2012 at 5:27 am

I lived in Japan for 2 years, 2008-2010 and I loved every minute of it. We were close to Tokyo and would go there to spend the weekends as often as possible. I could sit and watch people all day in Tokyo and never be bored. One of my favorite trips was to a fertility festival, another, to a Halloween parade in Harajuku. One of my blog entries shows a few of my pictures from our time there. Two years wasn’t nearly long enough to do everything I wanted to do, but luckily for me, we are moving back on July 1st and will live there another 3-4 years.
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Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:35 am

Do you go for work or just because you want to live there? I am fascinated.

Bill G. August 2, 2012 at 9:06 pm

I’ve never been to Japan, but I’ve been to Taiwan and would go back in a second. I knew the place would be different, but OMG I had no idea!! Sounds and smells that you’ve never experienced. The night markets in Taipei are an adventure like I’ve never seen before. Enough people speak English that I could live there and like it.

Johi May 31, 2012 at 9:14 am

Where did you find that picture of my dining room? And I thought that noise on the deck the other night was West Side Story featuring the squirrels and the raccoons….
Johi recently posted..Just living the dream.

Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:36 am

Johi. I sleep next to you at night.

I have a problem.

Chooplah May 31, 2012 at 1:14 pm

I don’t eat vegetables. Where’s my Japanese video of people covered in taco bell and churros singing about how they can feel their heart hurt when they walk to the bathroom?
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Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:38 am

I know there’s a flea market joke here, but it’s racist.

Goose June 1, 2012 at 10:47 am

1. Yep…The Republic of Texas
2. Cause it’s Texas bitches…wanna fight about it?
3. Every damn red-blooded, god-fearing, shooting helpless animals while sitting on a cooler filled with Shiner Bock and Lone Star day.

Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:39 am

FUCKING GOOSE.

We don’t have vegetable dancers!

Jaclyn June 1, 2012 at 8:15 pm

I think you’ve seriously underestimated America here, Noa. I mean, come on, Geishas? Really? Painting your face another color. Wearing a shit ton of makeup. Drinking excessively. Providing entertainment for the masses. I think you know where I’m going with this. We most certainly have an America equivalent to Geishas. It’s called Jersey Shore. Get with the goddamn program.
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Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:39 am

I would really love to see Geisha Snooki.

Todd June 2, 2012 at 3:20 pm

I don’t have much to add to this. Except that I share your love for the bat shit crazy land of the rising sun. Also that someone recently MADE an actual WORKING version of the Akira motorcycle. Fucking. Epic. http://media.techeblog.com/images/superbike_1.jpg
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Noa June 5, 2012 at 1:41 am

1) You would really love the Art of Akira exhibit that my friend Joe runs. You probably already know him, now that I think about it. I’m a dumbass.

2) WANT.

MsJake June 22, 2012 at 11:29 am

I know I’m late to this party, but why has no one mentioned the Santa girls at the end of the pee-pee hiding video?

WTF Japan???

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