Letters To Insufferable Members Of Society: Righters

05/07/2012 · 50 comments

in Letters to Insufferable Members of Society,What Is Wrong With You?

Dear Righters,

You are the most majestic of the douchetard species, and you are my favorite to watch in action.

You are the loudest person in the room, you have your one eyebrow raised the highest, you are the one who is saying ethnic words and drinking drinks and eating foods and reciting popular news talking points extra correctly so that everyone knows how unbelievably superior you are.

You are righter than anyone else who has ever lived.

It doesn’t matter what your opinion is on anything, it’s goddamn righter than anyone else’s. You know more about the news, more about politics, religion, government, science, and the opposite sex than anyone really has a right to. Kevin Bacon really IS the greatest actor who ever lived, you ARE a culturally-backward idiot if you don’t like Mad Men, and you are CRAZY if you think that comedian is funny at all because–and I’m telling you because I’m a friend–I am more right than you because I don’t like those things that you like.

The best part is, you are not relegated to one subsection of humanity. It doesn’t matter what religion, race, economic or social class, political division, or gender is. You are still more right.

And I love you for that.

I love you because you remind me why I hate so much. You are an infection upon mankind–you are the sore under the band-aid that people love to poke at.

Your love of ‘education’ has brought you to be the person that others in your social circle ‘deal’ with. They don’t talk about certain things because you’ll be brought in, and then they want to hurt themselves. No one cares what you think. Not even because we might disagree with you; we don’t care because you’re so goddamn loud and idiotic that you make the human race look awful.

You are the human equivalent of a eulogy delivered via bullhorn.

I want to round you all up into an arena, and tell you to battle to the end of the Righters to see who is the rightest of the rightest. There would be so much shouting and vitriol and dumbassery that the Earth might spin out of orbit in mercy.

Next time you want to open your mouth about anything, remember to think, “Will anyone give a shit about what I say?” I think you’ll be surprised to find that the answer is largely, “Fuck no.” No one cares about what you think about raising a child, or about food, or about how much you ______ what [politicians/religions/scientists/monkeys/races/genders/sexual orientations/Dr. Oz/Walmart] is ________ing.

Superiority is an abstract title which only you can assign yourself, because no one in their right minds would do so for you.

Love From,

Noa D. Gavin

This is why I don’t talk about politics or religion or the news or anything else that I consider a waste of goddamn time. It doesn’t matter who is ‘right’ because there is no ‘right’. There is only what we know to be right and what we can do for others with this information.

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Valerie: “If I had a nickel for every time I caught ferrets eating my puke, I’d have exactly 35 cents. Ferrets are weird like that. And I should start puking in the toilet.”

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