Letters To Insufferable Members Of Society: Righters

05/07/2012 · 50 comments

in Letters to Insufferable Members of Society,What Is Wrong With You?

Dear Righters,

You are the most majestic of the douchetard species, and you are my favorite to watch in action.

You are the loudest person in the room, you have your one eyebrow raised the highest, you are the one who is saying ethnic words and drinking drinks and eating foods and reciting popular news talking points extra correctly so that everyone knows how unbelievably superior you are.

You are righter than anyone else who has ever lived.

It doesn’t matter what your opinion is on anything, it’s goddamn righter than anyone else’s. You know more about the news, more about politics, religion, government, science, and the opposite sex than anyone really has a right to. Kevin Bacon really IS the greatest actor who ever lived, you ARE a culturally-backward idiot if you don’t like Mad Men, and you are CRAZY if you think that comedian is funny at all because–and I’m telling you because I’m a friend–I am more right than you because I don’t like those things that you like.

The best part is, you are not relegated to one subsection of humanity. It doesn’t matter what religion, race, economic or social class, political division, or gender is. You are still more right.

And I love you for that.

I love you because you remind me why I hate so much. You are an infection upon mankind–you are the sore under the band-aid that people love to poke at.

Your love of ‘education’ has brought you to be the person that others in your social circle ‘deal’ with. They don’t talk about certain things because you’ll be brought in, and then they want to hurt themselves. No one cares what you think. Not even because we might disagree with you; we don’t care because you’re so goddamn loud and idiotic that you make the human race look awful.

You are the human equivalent of a eulogy delivered via bullhorn.

I want to round you all up into an arena, and tell you to battle to the end of the Righters to see who is the rightest of the rightest. There would be so much shouting and vitriol and dumbassery that the Earth might spin out of orbit in mercy.

Next time you want to open your mouth about anything, remember to think, “Will anyone give a shit about what I say?” I think you’ll be surprised to find that the answer is largely, “Fuck no.” No one cares about what you think about raising a child, or about food, or about how much you ______ what [politicians/religions/scientists/monkeys/races/genders/sexual orientations/Dr. Oz/Walmart] is ________ing.

Superiority is an abstract title which only you can assign yourself, because no one in their right minds would do so for you.

Love From,

Noa D. Gavin

This is why I don’t talk about politics or religion or the news or anything else that I consider a waste of goddamn time. It doesn’t matter who is ‘right’ because there is no ‘right’. There is only what we know to be right and what we can do for others with this information.

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Valerie: “If I had a nickel for every time I caught ferrets eating my puke, I’d have exactly 35 cents. Ferrets are weird like that. And I should start puking in the toilet.”

{ 49 comments }

Jerrah May 7, 2012 at 3:27 am

This should be a lesson to all the writers, people and even to bloggers.. Thank you for the information shared here then..
Jerrah recently posted..Allergy Season Information Available

Misty May 7, 2012 at 11:08 am

No, thank YOU, spammer. I especially like how you differentiated between PEOPLE and BLOGGERS. It’s so nice to be considered a sub-species.
Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes

Jen May 8, 2012 at 11:58 am

Much good information given here. Good read for blog information. I will read more for to learn. Then I will ram spamminh head up sphincter.
Jen recently posted..The Red Dress Playlist: "Love Is a Battlefield"

Bill G. May 7, 2012 at 7:35 pm

@Jerrah
It’s the pretentious asses that add a special little facet to the blog experience. Thanks for stopping by.

Starle May 8, 2012 at 5:46 am

“and even to bloggers” who, I assume, are not writers or people. I guess I am a typing monkey. Cool beans.
Starle recently posted..DAD LOOK (with troll bums and dwarf wee)

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:23 am

You sparked such a debate of fuckery that I have to leave you here. You bastards are so quick.

Abby May 7, 2012 at 6:06 am

Whew! For once I’m not paranoid that you’re writing about me, as the only thing I’m confident that I’m right about is that I’m wrong about most things 143 percent of the time. Oh! And that everyone you mentioned above should shut the eff up as well. Carry on.
Abby recently posted..Paper, Plastic, Perspective

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:23 am

Get out of my head.

Mayor Gia May 7, 2012 at 6:35 am

Snicker. Hey, it’s HARD for them, being right at all time. *rolls eyes*
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Mandi E. May 7, 2012 at 7:39 am

It is TOTALLY hard to be right all the time. But on the occasions when I’m wrong, I an at least big enough to admit it. Which makes me rightEST of the righters, right?
Mandi E. recently posted..WTF Friday: Conversations with the Great Unwashed

Jana May 7, 2012 at 2:43 pm

That’s RIGHT!
Jana recently posted..Zee End

Dani May 7, 2012 at 4:22 pm

You’re bloody well right, Mandi!
Dani recently posted..Brows of Fury

Abby May 7, 2012 at 7:59 pm

BUT YOU’RE NOT REALLY RIGHT UNLESS YOU USE ALL CAPS TO SHOW JUST HOW LOUD AND RIGHT YOU ARE!!! AND EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!
Abby recently posted..Paper, Plastic, Perspective

Bill G. May 21, 2012 at 7:26 pm

GODDDAMN RIGHT!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!1!

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:26 am

I have no love for the Righters. I’m sure they’ll be petitioning against me soon.

Julie May 7, 2012 at 9:57 am

Great word. Thanks for giving me a more efficient term with which to express my burning-hot hatred for this subspecies of humankind!

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:27 am

Enjoy!

Jillian @ Brilliant Title May 7, 2012 at 10:14 am

I’ve never considered a eulogy via bullhorn. Remind me of that when my ex-boyfriend kicks the bucket…
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:28 am

It’s the only way to properly hate someone.

Eleanor May 7, 2012 at 10:24 am

Oh so totally agree. My best friend’s boyfriend is a Righter. Even though he has been going to college for 10 years and still hasn’t graduated. He knows more about computers than me, even though I have a computer degree. He spent 6 hours setting up his router because my advice couldn’t be right. He knows how to do it. Yeah.
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:30 am

I got kicked out of a restaurant thanks to a boyfriend of a friend being a huge righter asshole.

Bastards, all of them.

Bill G. May 21, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Ah, the professional student. Can’t graduate to save their ass but they know more about the university system than little old you will ever know. And being a 30 year old at college, they can out-drink any of those little pussy-ass 24 year olds. That’s something to be proud of, I’m sure ole mom and dad are bragging about that down at the VFW.

Kelly May 7, 2012 at 10:45 am

My favorite “righters” are the ones who are convinced their right when they right the write words rong. And for a minute, I really thought this post was going to be about grammar. BUT I JUST MADE IT SO, SO I AM RIGHT, GODDAMMIT.
Kelly recently posted..In where I am a complete hypocrite.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:30 am

You are right.

Don’t hurt me.

Dani May 7, 2012 at 11:52 am

“I want to round you all up into an arena, and tell you to battle to the end of the Righters to see who is the rightest of the rightest. There would be so much shouting and vitriol and dumbassery that the Earth might spin out of orbit in mercy.”

I totally think you should pitch this idea to A & E or TLC… it would be the Best. Damn. Reality Show. EVER.
Dani recently posted..The one in which I get mushy

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:31 am

I think this is how they find Bachelorette contestants.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd May 7, 2012 at 12:46 pm

I hate talking about religion and politics, too, mostly because unless you exactly line up, it does nothing but create potential conflict. For the most part, nobody’s changing anybody’s mind through sheer will of obnoxious conviction. And I hate it when people blab on about things as if everyone agrees with them. This is kind of why I avoid all people all the time.
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Bill G. May 7, 2012 at 7:41 pm

Oh yeah, I’ve un-friended people on Facebook because of politics. It’s not that I don’t like them or don’t respect their views, but to me, Facebook is a place to get together with friends and family and share light conversation/pictures. If I want a political forum, I’ll go to any of a zillion news websites or politics-specific websites.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:32 am

It’s just not worth it at some point, you know? No one’s going to see perfectly on everything, so you just let it go.

Unless you’re hardcore, and then you just shout. SHOUT I SAY.

Goose May 7, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Christ Noa, I’ll just stop talking all together during BLR, but you don’t have to drag stuff like this out in public. I hope you’re happy…but for your information, it HAS been scientifically proven that Battlefield Earth IS John Travolta’s best work ever!

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:33 am

I AM SICK OF YOUR BULLSHIT, GOOSE.

Andi Davies May 7, 2012 at 3:37 pm

I think I AM this person, which is why I confine all my conversations to my bathroom mirror. That way, not only am I always right but nobody ever disagrees with me! Awesome.
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:33 am

In my head, I am THE RIGHTEST OF THE RIGHTEST.

Terry May 7, 2012 at 4:28 pm

I admit I’m a debater, that is sometimes mistaken for a righter. (I’m not actually out to change an opinion so much as learning and thinking about others) I agree totally that there is nothing so insufferable than people that think they know everything; EXCEPT for the people who wear ignorance on any given subject as a badge of honour. I think those ones should be dumped into a bottom of a well after being set on fire. But then I also enjoy being the pedantic bore on occasion. So really, I suppose sometimes I’m a Righter for just the fun of watching other people’s teeth grind; what can I say I’ve got a warped sense of humour. Does it count when you do it on purpose? Or is that like a 100 times worse?

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:34 am

That’s a thin line between debater and righter. If drawn into an argument, I turn in to a righter so goddamn fast it’s not even funny.

Jaime May 7, 2012 at 7:47 pm

so fucking true…. these people should all be put in a cage match together to the death.
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:35 am

Someone call Dana White.

Pippi May 7, 2012 at 7:55 pm

According to my boss, I’m never right.
And I don’t go to church.
And I don’t vote for the right person.
It must be nice to have all the answers for us little people.
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:35 am

Funny, that’s how so much of my family feels.

Valerie May 7, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Best way to stop a Righter right in their tracks: Cup of cold water directly to the crotch. Followed by: “I can see how passionate you are about this topic. I think I see Sasquatch behind that potted plant.” Then wander off and start a conversation with a nearby cat/dog/small child.

Works every time.

Hugs!

Val
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:36 am

Nailed it. You win.

Rob R May 7, 2012 at 10:18 pm

I AM right all the time…except for all the times that my wife says I’m wrong, which is usually all the time.
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:37 am

Good man.

Starle May 8, 2012 at 5:43 am

Dear Righters: How could I BE so un-right? I wish I could always be as right as you. Teach me how to be Uber-Right like your right-self. Let me lick the rightness from between the toes of your right foot. (now please go away asshole, you are making me tired)
Starle recently posted..DAD LOOK (with troll bums and dwarf wee)

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:38 am

It’s because you’re less right.

SO EAT A DICK!

Jen May 8, 2012 at 12:29 pm

While I am rarely right, I do take great pride in constantly pointing out how everyone around me is so horribly wrong. I hate to be judgmental but I’m just so fucking GOOD at it!
Jen recently posted..The Red Dress Playlist: "Love Is a Battlefield"

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:39 am

I share your love of judging. Because everyone sucks. Even me.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress May 21, 2012 at 7:04 pm

You are the funniest person I know.

I’m right about this.

As I am about everything else.
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Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:12 pm

And if you keep telling me I’m the funniest person you know, I will keep telling you how right you are.

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