Funny Bitch Friday: Sleep Talkin’ Man

05/18/2012 · 15 comments

in Funny Bitch Friday

Adrian talks in his sleep every once in a while, usually just to shout at me about how I come to bed too late and  I’m too purple to be in the room anyway.

As weird and funny as Adrian occasionally is in his sleep, he’s got nothing on Sleep Talkin’ Man and his fantastic audio-recording wife. This guy is funnier in his goddamn sleep than I will ever be in my entire life. I was in tears rampaging through their archives this week.

The entries on this blog are short and are a fun, quick read. I will include a few here, but make sure to click over to STM to hear the actual audio of the famous Sleep Talkin’ Man and the conversations he and his wife have about the recordings the next day.

“God judges you. Well, I judge God. This week: not bad! Still messing up in the Middle East, though. Sort it out.”

“Fucking unicorns. ‘Oh, I’ve got a horn!’ So fucking obnoxious. You’re just a horse with a party hat, dickhead.”

“Over at the blueberry convention, the red currants are acting so prissy. So very un-berry-like.”

“They’re nunchucks, Grandma. You know— Ooh! You’re a natural! Like a wrinkly ninja. Oh, Grandma. Nunchuck skills… blatant racism skills… occasionally smelling of wee skills… can’t forget the hairy fucking mole skill.”

“Okay, Jesus, if you are the son of God, wave your hands in the air… Ha ha. Didn’t think so.”

“You’re gonna have to shave your pubes. It’s like fighting an army of permed spider legs down there, and I’m gonna lose. I’m gonna lose.”

“Okay: On three, I’m gonna change into a dinosaur. One… Two… MEOW. Oh fucking cat! Always cats.”

“My leg bone is connected to my foot bone, my foot bone is connected to your face bone, your face bone’s connected to the pavement stone. Now heed my words: Fuck off!” 

“What do you want? SOMEONE TO FOLLOW! When do you want it? PRETTY SOON ’cause we’re kind of just wandering around aimlessly.”

The text is hilarious. The audio is unbelievable. GO. NOW. READ.

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Leslie: “The Cloist (ered) Judges: Sean Connery (In The Name of The Rose, so he’s experienced), Priests who have been shuttled around from parish to parish rather than being prosecuted, any surviving male Kennedy, Sally Field Chairs – hard benches that squeak Premise: Which nun has the best body under the unflattering and voluminous traditional robes? Twists include possible trannies and an actual porn star getting back at her father. Host: Charlie Sheen” 
Mayor Gia May 18, 2012 at 6:47 am

Listening to him say those things in his british acccent is just the best. I’m addicted.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Embarrassing Things About Myself: Sunrash

Noa May 21, 2012 at 10:50 pm

The first time I read the blog, I just read the translations. I thought, “Wow, this is pretty funny.”

And then I listened. AND OH MY GOD RIGHT?

Lacey May 18, 2012 at 6:50 am

Hahaha, thank you for this post! I had a great laugh to start my day. Bookmarking that blog =) Cheers!
Lacey recently posted..The “Period” Card

Noa May 21, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Glad you started your day the right way!

Super Earthling May 18, 2012 at 10:43 am

What STM says is hilarious, but hearing it said with his proper British accent makes it gold! Funny, addicting blog!
Super Earthling recently posted..How to Create the Ideal Romance Novel Heroine

Noa May 21, 2012 at 10:53 pm

I read through 20 pages of it before I realized what I was even doing.

Mandi E. May 18, 2012 at 11:30 am

I think the best thing about this blog is the fact that the captions alone are hilarious, but then you listen to the soundbyte and it’s in a british accent. Somehow that makes it pants-shittingly hilarious.
Mandi E. recently posted..WTF Friday: WTF do you mean I’m old?!?

Noa May 21, 2012 at 10:57 pm

Tell me you’ve listened to his shouted wakeups…they’re amazing.

nadine May 18, 2012 at 7:27 pm

sleep talkers are so creepy. i’m glad that i only have night terrors and wake up flailing around at invisible bugs and force my boyfriend to strip off all the sheets and blankets from the bed. like a normal person.
nadine recently posted..Light the Jesus candle and pray for me.

Noa May 21, 2012 at 10:58 pm

I kicked Adrian directly in the butthole last week in the middle of the night. Normies unite!

Starle May 20, 2012 at 10:11 am

Hysterical! And here I was only attacking my husband in my sleep! I should try and do something funny instead!
Starle recently posted..That THING Just Bit Me!

Noa May 21, 2012 at 10:59 pm

If you videotape it, that’s pretty goddamn funny.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress May 21, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Ahhhhh…such a wonderful idea for those nights when Harv is making me angry. I shall record his sleep mumbles (very rare, but they do happen) and send them out as holiday favors to his workplace buddies.
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..Monday Dare: Ugh Life

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:00 pm

Good Lord, that’s so brilliant.

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