I make a lot of my life decisions based around whether or not it will suit me in the zombie apocalypse.
That doesn’t mean I’m a doomsday prepper. I don’t have stockpiles of food or toilet paper or weaponry to combat the rising destruction of mankind by fictional creatures because I am not a goddamn crazy person. In fact, we only own two weapons in the Gavin house: a bullwhip and some nun chucks.
The Gavins: Keepin’ It Real 4 Eva, y’all.
I realized that in a zombie scenario, I will not be among the final survivors living in a gypsy camp on a mountainside (“CARL? CARL?! GODDAMNIT CARL!”). I won’t be the first to die, but I probably won’t make it past 6 months. I’m a comedy writer, y’all–marketable skills aren’t something I’m overly burdened with.
Now that I know I’m not going to live, I wonder about the world after the initial fray dies down.
It’s sure not going to be Dawn Of The Dead forever.
It’s not even going to be an I Am Legend scenario.
It’s going to be a lot like what we have now, but much, much shittier.
Basic Necessities are going to be the deciding factor between who lives and who dies. It will truly be survival of the fittest and of the least cushioned in a society where suddenly, there’s no more credit or coddling to be had.
- Do you have contacts or glasses? Learn to echolocate like a motherfucker.
- How you you feel about leaves on your butthole, or grass padding your twat? Poorly, and somewhat itchy?
- Ready to dig a hole to poop in while squatting sadly in the death-ridden woods? Yeah, no one really is.
- Are you a Real Housewife of something? Let me know, because I want to see you zombified.
- Can you use a tool? Cook your own food? Sleep on less than 1,000 thread count? Get ready to do some serious whoring.
- Are you a hipster? Oh no, of course not. You’re just living your life to the fullest with Ambien and Pabst. You will not be missed.
Zombie Coachella would still look exactly like it does right now, though. Just a bunch of pale, frazzled people swaying erratically in various states of shitty undress.
Starting the very day that the first zombie appears, a new economy is going to pop up. Initially, it’s going to be a trade/barter system for basic needs and booze. It worked well in the middle ages when currency was varied, and it will work well in the initial onslaught when currency is only good for stuffing your ScareZombie with.
And that’s great, for a while.
People will learn and adapt to the new world. Because basic necessities aren’t going to be as scarce as they once were, there will be a time after the apocalypse where people start to use new parts of society to make money. A lot of people have a view of the post apocalyptic world being like the Dark Ages, but I see more of an Old West scenario.
- Trade routes will be set up all over the US to bring supplies from the Midwest outward. There won’t be much international trade via harbors yet, but the Midwest has the food.
- There will be a frontiersman push once again–to the center of the US. Less population and more food.
- Nomadic tribes like Guidos, Sox Fans, and Preppers will alternately hunt and trade.
- Prostitution will be rampant as…well…zombies.
- Zombies will be domesticated. We’ll see Zombie drives like the great cattle drives of the past. ZombieBoys will be just as scuzzy as Cowboys were.
Zombie Louis L’amour will have some cool new shit to write about.
I’m at DEFCON 5 excitement level to watch classic forms of entertainment be born anew in the new world filled with literal savages.
- Zombie Races: Will “Flesh Prince of Bel-Air” win the Triple Crown, immediately followed by a double-tap?
- Zombie Rodeo: Will you stay on his back for 8 seconds or will you just be mauled ruthlessly? Can you rope a Runner?
- UFC: Human VS. Zombie every goddamn time, and preferably with a celebrity zombie. Zombie Carol Channing VS. Rampage Jackson for the title, y’all.
- ZombieSled Racing: Feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme, get on up, it’s ZOMBIESLED time! COOOOOL RUNNINGS!
- Track and Field: It’s the same, but now Zombies chase you in every event. RUN FASTER OH GOD RUN OH MAN NO YOUR LEG IS GONE NOW.
- ZombieLympics: Really, I just want to watch the opening ceremony fiasco every single year. I imagine the torch is just a zombie named Torchy that someone accidentally set on fire who runs into the cauldron.
The people who survive the apocalypse long enough to establish a government, an economy, and sports will be the same people who come from the world we live in right now. They’ll be used to Reddit and the Internet and Video Games and Online Dating and iPhones. In the personal lives of survivors, it’s going to be a weird combination of new and old.
Family units will remain as the always have for thousands of years. Nomadic tribes will be established. People will still be going to speed dating.
Mostly I wonder how this will affect what we consider to be normal in regards to family, beauty, and marriage.
- Attractiveness will change back to what it was in feudal times: being pale or plus size will be a sign of affluence.
- He with the most chainsaws will be deemed the most attractive and desirable mate, and women who go after them will be considered “Chainrippers.”
- Polygamy will be the last thing anyone cares about. You need large families with lots of children to bring in food and defend your home.
- The LGBT movement will finally gain headway because jackasses finally have something else to fight about. LGBT people everywhere will say, “THIS IS WHAT IT FUCKING TOOK?”
- Some people will blame homosexuality for zombies. Those people are cuntmuppets to the core.
Politics And Government
Of course, in the initial onset, there will be no politics and no government. There will not be a need for one, at least, for a while. Remember, government starts for 2 reasons. Because people are sometimes assholes when no structure is given for life, and because some people want to tell other people what to do.
More than likely, we’re going to set up another democratic system based on capitalism because it’s what will spread the easiest in a world lacking the communication that we’re used to. The newer circumstances won’t change the politics, but it will drastically change what they’re concerned with.
Personhood will still be one of the largest dividing lines between the two political parties.
- If your spouse or children become zombies, are you allowed to keep them alive if you choose, or does the state get to decide?
- Who kills them?
- Are you a criminal if you do/don’t kill your zombified family members or any wandering zombies?
- Is it murder? Can you be convicted of killing them?
- If a zombie is pregnant, do you C-section in hopes of a surviving infant, or kill them both?
- Is systematic zombie killing considered genocide?
- Is a zombie even a person?
Immigration will still be a huge issue.
- Are wandering zombies technically immigrants?
- If a country is overrun by zombies, should you take them in, or quarantine and turn them away?
Discrimination laws will reach strange new territory.
- Is a pre-death zombie granted the same rights as a regular person?
- Is that racism to deny them rights?
- If the disease takes a long time to kill people, can these people still vote? Marry? Procreate? Be around regular people?
- Again, is that racism?
- Do we kill them, or hope they’ll be cured?
You know what? I was wrong. Politics and government are just going to be the same fucking thing all over again. Goddamnit.
At least I’ll have the ZombieLympics to look forward too. RUN TORCHY RUN!
Am I the only one who thinks this much about something that will never happen? How do you plan to survive, should I be wrong and it does occur? Did I not think of something here, or do you have a different idea about what will happen?
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Mandi E.: “I think the best thing about this blog is the fact that the captions alone are hilarious, but then you listen to the soundbyte and it’s in a british accent. Somehow that makes it pants-shittingly hilarious.”