I make a lot of my life decisions based around whether or not it will suit me in the zombie apocalypse.

That doesn’t mean I’m a doomsday prepper. I don’t have stockpiles of food or toilet paper or weaponry to combat the rising destruction of mankind by fictional creatures because I am not a goddamn crazy person. In fact, we only own two weapons in the Gavin house: a bullwhip and some nun chucks.

The Gavins: Keepin’ It Real 4 Eva, y’all.

I realized that in a zombie scenario, I will not be among the final survivors living in a gypsy camp on a mountainside (“CARL? CARL?! GODDAMNIT CARL!”). I won’t be the first to die, but I probably won’t make it past 6 months. I’m a comedy writer, y’all–marketable skills aren’t something I’m overly burdened with.

Now that I know I’m not going to live, I wonder about the world after the initial fray dies down.

It’s sure not going to be Dawn Of The Dead forever.
It’s not even going to be an I Am Legend scenario.
It’s going to be a lot like what we have now, but much, much shittier.

Basic Necessities

Basic Necessities are going to be the deciding factor between who lives and who dies. It will truly be survival of the fittest and of the least cushioned in a society where suddenly, there’s no more credit or coddling to be had.

  • Do you have contacts or glasses? Learn to echolocate like a motherfucker.
  • How you you feel about leaves on your butthole, or grass padding your twat? Poorly, and somewhat itchy?
  • Ready to dig a hole to poop in while squatting sadly in the death-ridden woods? Yeah, no one really is.
  • Are you a Real Housewife of something? Let me know, because I want to see you zombified.
  • Can you use a tool? Cook your own food? Sleep on less than 1,000 thread count? Get ready to do some serious whoring.
  • Are you a hipster? Oh no, of course not. You’re just living your life to the fullest with Ambien and Pabst. You will not be missed.

Zombie Coachella would still look exactly like it does right now, though. Just a bunch of pale, frazzled people swaying erratically in various states of shitty undress.

The Economy

Starting the very day that the first zombie appears, a new economy is going to pop up. Initially, it’s going to be a trade/barter system for basic needs and booze. It worked well in the middle ages when currency was varied, and it will work well in the initial onslaught when currency is only good for stuffing your ScareZombie with.

SHOO, ZOMBIES!

And that’s great, for a while.

People will learn and adapt to the new world. Because basic necessities aren’t going to be as scarce as they once were, there will be a time after the apocalypse where people start to use new parts of society to make money. A lot of people have a view of the post apocalyptic world being like the Dark Ages, but I see more of an Old West scenario.

  • Trade routes will be set up all over the US to bring supplies from the Midwest outward. There won’t be much international trade via harbors yet, but the Midwest has the food.
  • There will be a frontiersman push once again–to the center of the US. Less population and more food.
  • Nomadic tribes like Guidos, Sox Fans, and Preppers will alternately hunt and trade.
  • Prostitution will be rampant as…well…zombies.
  • Zombies will be domesticated. We’ll see Zombie drives like the great cattle drives of the past. ZombieBoys will be just as scuzzy as Cowboys were.

Zombie Louis L’amour will have some cool new shit to write about.

Entertainment

I’m at DEFCON 5 excitement level to watch classic forms of entertainment be born anew in the new world filled with literal savages.

  • Zombie Races: Will “Flesh Prince of Bel-Air” win the Triple Crown, immediately followed by a double-tap?
  • Zombie Rodeo: Will you stay on his back for 8 seconds or will you just be mauled ruthlessly? Can you rope a Runner?
  • UFC: Human VS. Zombie every goddamn time, and preferably with a celebrity zombie. Zombie Carol Channing VS. Rampage Jackson for the title, y’all.
  • ZombieSled Racing: Feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme, get on up, it’s ZOMBIESLED time! COOOOOL RUNNINGS!
  • Track and Field: It’s the same, but now Zombies chase you in every event. RUN FASTER OH GOD RUN OH MAN NO YOUR LEG IS GONE NOW.
  • ZombieLympics: Really, I just want to watch the opening ceremony fiasco every single year. I imagine the torch is just a zombie named Torchy that someone accidentally set on fire who runs into the cauldron.

Personal Life

The people who survive the apocalypse long enough to establish a government, an economy, and sports will be the same people who come from the world we live in right now. They’ll be used to Reddit and the Internet and Video Games and Online Dating and iPhones. In the personal lives of survivors, it’s going to be a weird combination of new and old.

Like Joan, who will look exactly the same.

Family units will remain as the always have for thousands of years. Nomadic tribes will be established. People will still be going to speed dating.

Mostly I wonder how this will affect what we consider to be normal in regards to family, beauty, and marriage.

  • Attractiveness will change back to what it was in feudal times: being pale or plus size will be a sign of affluence.
  • He with the most chainsaws will be deemed the most attractive and desirable mate, and women who go after them will be considered “Chainrippers.”
  • Polygamy will be the last thing anyone cares about. You need large families with lots of children to bring in food and defend your home.
  • The LGBT movement will finally gain headway because jackasses finally have something else to fight about. LGBT people everywhere will say, “THIS IS WHAT IT FUCKING TOOK?”
  • Some people will blame homosexuality for zombies. Those people are cuntmuppets to the core.

Politics And Government

Of course, in the initial onset, there will be no politics and no government. There will not be a need for one, at least, for a while. Remember, government starts for 2 reasons. Because people are sometimes assholes when no structure is given for life, and because some people want to tell other people what to do.

Guess which side I'm on.

More than likely, we’re going to set up another democratic system based on capitalism because it’s what will spread the easiest in a world lacking the communication that we’re used to. The newer circumstances won’t change the politics, but it will drastically change what they’re concerned with.

Personhood will still be one of the largest dividing lines between the two political parties.

  • If your spouse or children become zombies, are you allowed to keep them alive if you choose, or does the state get to decide?
  • Who kills them?
  • Are you a criminal if you do/don’t kill your zombified family members or any wandering zombies?
  • Is it murder? Can you be convicted of killing them?
  • If a zombie is pregnant, do you C-section in hopes of a surviving infant, or kill them both?
  • Is systematic zombie killing considered genocide?
  • Is a zombie even a person?

Immigration will still be a huge issue.

  • Are wandering zombies technically immigrants?
  • If a country is overrun by zombies, should you take them in, or quarantine and turn them away?

Discrimination laws will reach strange new territory.

  • Is a pre-death zombie granted the same rights as a regular person?
  • Is that racism to deny them rights?
  • If the disease takes a long time to kill people, can these people still vote? Marry? Procreate? Be around regular people?
  • Again, is that racism?
  • Do we kill them, or hope they’ll be cured?

You know what? I was wrong. Politics and government are just going to be the same fucking thing all over again. Goddamnit.

At least I’ll have the ZombieLympics to look forward too. RUN TORCHY RUN!

Am I the only one who thinks this much about something that will never happen? How do you plan to survive, should I be wrong and it does occur? Did I not think of something here, or do you have a different idea about what will happen?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:

From Mandi E.: “I think the best thing about this blog is the fact that the captions alone are hilarious, but then you listen to the soundbyte and it’s in a british accent. Somehow that makes it pants-shittingly hilarious.”

Misty May 21, 2012 at 8:38 am

Whoring. I am always ready for more whoring. I mean, I’m a lawyer. So I have no marketable skills, either. I mean, except for the whoring, of course.
Misty recently posted..My Chemical Romance

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:13 pm

I think there’s a hell of a market for Zombie lawyers. If you can keep yourself alive until the news comes of a government, you’re set for life. Whore it up for the future, Misty!

Misty May 22, 2012 at 8:37 am

“Whore it up for the future, Misty!”

I need this embroidered on a throw pillow, stat!

This will be my new mantra.
Misty recently posted..My Chemical Romance

Sarah May 21, 2012 at 8:41 am

I think zombie planning is fun, so yes, I do think about this all the time. I suppose my biggest wish is that I could take a class on hot wiring cars– because I’m betting that will be needed in many apocalypse scenarios– just not the coronal mass ejection one, since that will fry everything electrical. Or the magnetic pulse one.

Everyone in the movies knows hot to hot wire cars, and dammit, I want to learn how to do it, too.

All joking aside for a moment: Kidding around with our children about zombies has allowed us to have some conversations about emergency preparedness that might otherwise freak the shit out of them. This has become increasingly important to me, since my hometown was blown away a year ago tomorrow.
Sarah recently posted..Weekend Wrap-Up: Bedtime Reading

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:16 pm

I love the idea of teaching kids preparedness under the guise of Shawn of the Dead. You are perhaps the greatest parent of all time, Sarah.

You Win. At everything but hot-wiring, which really just looks like you rub a couple of wires together and pray.

Ally May 21, 2012 at 10:16 am

People who don’t think about what they would do during the zombie apocalypse are the ones who will be the first to become zombies. These are the people who will ignore the tiny mention on the news of a new disease. They won’t pay attention to the amount of people who have been calling in to work lately. The strange noise and crashes coming from their neighbor’s house won’t bother them.
Ally recently posted..Hobo Tales

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:22 pm

I’m suddenly much more worried about my upstairs neighbor. I thought he just had a rowing machine…

Jillian May 21, 2012 at 10:24 am

I probably don’t think about this often enough, so chances are I’ll be among the first to wither in zombie desecration. I do keep going to the gym in the hopes that, if I can’t outrun the zombies, at least my corpse will look attractive while mutilated and contorted in a pool of gushing blood.
Jillian recently posted..Jenkies! It’s a Mystery!

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:24 pm

That’s all you can hope for at some point. You do what you can, but there are a LOT of really prepared people who will die. Best looking zombie wins.

Leauxra May 21, 2012 at 10:25 am

I have one useful maretable skill.

People will keep me alive, y’all. I know how to make beer. And I mean good beer, not shitty beer. I will survive.

I could also probably distill things to make booze. Side effects may include blindness.
Leauxra recently posted..5 Shades of Gray

Sarah May 21, 2012 at 11:33 am

I already want to place you on my zombie survival team.
Sarah recently posted..This is Not a Post

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:24 pm

MINE.

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:24 pm

Map how you’re going to get from your house to mine.

Now.

I need you.

Todd May 21, 2012 at 10:59 am

I think you’re WAY off on the concept of a “scarezombie.” I mean, if anything, it’s more of an “annoyzombie” at best if you stuff clothing to look like a person…
“Braaains. Braaains. Braaa… motherfucker!”
Todd recently posted..A Crakgenius? Seriously?

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:26 pm

I figured the zombies would take one look at Knightley and think, “Well there’s already a zombie queen. We should just bug it out.”

I’m probably asking for a lot.

Jaime May 21, 2012 at 11:28 am

lmfao @ “RUN TORCHY RUN’ … I so look forward to that.
Jaime recently posted..jumping on the LOVE bandwagon

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:26 pm

I’m hoping London 2012 is hearing me when I beg for Torchy.

pippi May 21, 2012 at 12:16 pm

No marketable skills either, but I have guns, a cache of bullets and a stockpile of rum. Bring it!
pippi recently posted..Being A People Person is Highly Overrated-Part II Overindulging at Social Functions

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:27 pm

I have nothing. Except for 6 cans of bamboo shoots that I can’t explain and 3 mostly useless animals.

Andi Davies May 21, 2012 at 12:56 pm

I would die quickly because I’m chronically sleep deprived, and I’d just lay down for a quick nap….and wake up as a zombie shish kebab. In fact, all the apocalyptic scenarios seem to assume that most of us WANT to live in a world without Starbucks and Target, where we have to shit in the woods. I think I’ll skip it. I’m stockpiling alcohol, so I can drink enough to sleep through anybody chewing on me.
Andi Davies recently posted..A New Skirt, Like the Old Skirt, and Me-Made-May

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:28 pm

I’m always surprised at the number of people in Zombie movies who aren’t thinking, “You know what, fuck this. I’m joining the horde or offing myself.”

No. Thanks.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd May 21, 2012 at 1:13 pm

I think about it all the time. Probably daily. I worry about my dogs, and extremely stupid stuff like, “when the zombie apocalypse comes, I guess we can designate the garage as the place they use the bathroom since we can’t let them outside.”

You would think for someone who ponders this daily, I would come up with more helpful, logical plans.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..The All-New Super Friends Round Up S2 Ep4A – “Doctor Fright”

Misty May 21, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Oh Carrie, I am disappointed in you. With that amount of thought given to the eventual Zombiepacolypse, you should have potty trained those dogs by now. Then again, modern day plumbing will be obsolete. Hmm, maybe teach them to attach zombies on site? That seems like it would be useful as a home defense mechanism.
Misty recently posted..My Chemical Romance

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:29 pm

My dog will just want to play, and my cat will just hug my neck and cut me, thereby attracting more zombies. My animals are useless in a self-defense scenario.

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:29 pm

@Carrie: It’s great until that smell seeps in to the concrete and never leaves. Best to learn to compost. I think, I don’t really know what that means. #unprepared

Jana May 21, 2012 at 1:28 pm

I am crossing my fingers that I might be able to survive the Zombie. For one, I have read the Zombie Survival Guide and feel that I am somewhat prepared. I am a little saddened that Shane will no longer be around to do the dirty work – but to quote the Highlander – there can be only one.

I will stick closely to my man since he has all the cool eagle scout tricks and can kill and skin almost anything. I make some mean biscotti – so I am hoping that they will keep me around for my mad cooking skillz….if not…you may find me doing the Zombie walk of shame!
Jana recently posted..I can make your skin glow, ’cause I am a saint, Y’all!

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:31 pm

Adrian has some ridiculous martial arts skills (which, to be fair, is his job) and some building skills, but aside from that, nada.

Unless we can get a hold of a car. Then it’s gonna be Drive, Zombie Style.

Dana the Biped May 21, 2012 at 2:01 pm

No, as a matter of fact, you are not the only one who thinks of these things. It’s for that exact reason that I keep a field hockey stick by my bed–to ward off any intruding zombies or crack addicts that wander over from the train station.

Oh god, now I’ve just imagined crack-addicted zombies. Is that even a thing?
Dana the Biped recently posted..The Picture Is a Euphamism

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:32 pm

So they’re even faster and even more deaded-out? Well fuck.

My bullwhip is in my nightstand, because I plan to Indiana Jones the FUCK outta some zombies.

Jackie G May 21, 2012 at 4:52 pm

My husband thinks about this all the damn time and always has to run plans by me, so I’ve thought about this a lot.

I was deemed useless until I became a nurse, and I have been told I will be allowed to live (thank god). He believes the zombies will be slow and dumb a la The Zombie Survival Guide, and so our plan is to stay here (we live on a military base) until things get real shitty, then move up more north where it’s even colder since the cold will severely slow the zombies. Then he will sit in a tower on whatever other place we find and shoot shit while looking like a badass (very Daryl Dixon) and everyone will be in awe at how good he is a killing shit and how manly he looks while doing it (my husband is not delusional, at all).

I’m also hoping that being in South Dakota, where no one lives, means the only zombies that will be here will be buffalo. The zombies will think about coming here and then be all, “FUCK NO, FUCK THAT PLACE, IT SUCKS DICK.” And they would be right. Done & done.

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:35 pm

I will be really surprised if the zombie disease even reaches the Dakotas. There aren’t even people up there to warrant it. Even if one gets sick, you just kill that one, and bam, South Dakota is zombie-free.

I once thought Adrian didn’t really plan for Zombies at all, until we were at a really busted-up mall the other day, and he spent 45 minutes telling me how it was the best and most defensible zombie horde hideout. Soul mates.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress May 21, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Dear LORD, I hope I am the FIRST to die if the zombie apocalypse happens. My nails aren’t suited for hard labor or a world without massage chairs.

Just keepin it real.
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..Monday Dare: Ugh Life

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:35 pm

I really hope I get eaten before it comes time to drink my own pee. I just can’t. I just don’t want to live that badly.

Valerie May 21, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Funny enough… My husband gave me the best gift imaginable for mother’s day…

He gave me the gift of survival.

He bought me a weekend zombie survival course where I will not only learn how to kill zombies with various weapons, but also first aid and HOW TO HOTWIRE A CAR!!!!

The man knows me well….

Hugs!

Valerie
Valerie recently posted..Harry Potter Land is my Jerusalem

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:36 pm

JESUS CARTWHEELING CHRIST.

WHERE?! Where did you do this?!

Jana May 23, 2012 at 11:16 am

Yes, Where…damn you…Where can this be done!
Jana recently posted..I can make your skin glow, ’cause I am a saint, Y’all!

CoreyFerns May 22, 2012 at 2:43 am

..You Win.

Rampage Jackson reference and Cool runnings immediately after…

Also, I don’t have the Zombie Survival Guide but I have the Anarchist cook book, so yay.. how to make your weapons and martial arts techniques, how to make your own booze and drugs…Also, how to hot wire a car…

I’m starting to think this is just a piss take at Sarah now.

…We could all just learn how to do trials and y’know get bikes?..No fuel trouble…Also, it’d look fucking cool.
CoreyFerns recently posted..Sunday, 8th November 2009

Noa June 5, 2012 at 12:05 am

I feel like it would be most fun to read that cookbook in a Convent.

Janene May 22, 2012 at 10:26 am

I know of a clean water source that I’m going to be heading towards should I even get a whiff of an impending zombie apocalpse. Twenty acres of bush, freshwater pond, wildlife (a la deer and bears) and water source. I believe that covers the basics from the Zombie Survival Guide….

Mind you, I have to escape the hordes that will be leaving the nearby metropolis, but with any luck, I’ll already be on vacation and up north when the Zombie-ness hits….

Noa June 5, 2012 at 12:20 am

I can safely assume that you’re in your stronghold now?

Jen May 22, 2012 at 10:51 am

I hav been prepping my kids for the Apocalypse by having them watch a shit ton of ‘Little House on the Prairie’.

“Hey, kids! wouldn’t it be cool to live in a dugout by the crick? And, wow! Doesn’t rendering salt pork sound like a real hoot?”

I am also taking painstaking care to gorge my short people on enough Hostess snack cakes and Taco Bell gorditas to ensure that they’ll be plump and tender when the shit goes down. I mean, I love them and all, but when push comes to shove, it’s gonna get all Donner Party up in heah!
Jen recently posted..The Red Dress Playlist: "Witchy Woman"

Noa June 5, 2012 at 12:22 am

I knew I’d love your comment, and then you had me at ‘crick.’

And it was a sod house by the crick. GET IT FUCKING RIGHT.

NATurally Inappropriate May 22, 2012 at 2:20 pm

I have a very detailed plan for the Zombie Apocalypse. Having a zombie lawyer would be amazing.
NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..Sometimes, being an evil genius is just fucking…evil-genius-y.

Noa June 5, 2012 at 12:24 am

Is he now the final part of your plan?

Puna May 22, 2012 at 5:58 pm

I plan for the Zombalypse almost every geeky day of my life. Often, this is just because something reminds me of zombies (like a random drunk) or because I think of an ingenious idea to help me cope with zombies. Just like your post helped me to do today.

My new idea is to find a federal prison – minimum security because I don’t want to have to deal with a dozen Hannibal the Cannibals AND zombies – and free a hand-picked few of the prisoners so they will owe me big time and profess that their lives now belong to me (because I’m effin’ charismatic). Then, with the help of my new zombie task force, “take care” of the other prisoners and wall ourselves up, only coming out to make forays to ammo stores, grocery stores, or the beach.

It will TOTALLY work.
Puna recently posted..Crochet, You Moody Whore, You

CoreyFerns May 22, 2012 at 11:41 pm

…The only woman…

In a Jail full of male criminals, who haven’t seen a woman in a while…

….
CoreyFerns recently posted..Sunday, 8th November 2009

Puna May 23, 2012 at 4:01 am

I did think about this seriously for like two seconds and then I went back to hand-picked, effin’ charismatic, and the fact that I would be well armed with prison keys and guns. Not to mention, probably, a really big sword. And maybe some bubblegum cause I know how much professional criminals love the Big League Chew.
Puna recently posted..Crochet, You Moody Whore, You

Noa June 5, 2012 at 12:26 am

Hey, it’s worth a fucking shot. I will give you a medal for the balls necessary to invade a prison in the first place.

Wait, no, that’s a fucking brilliant plan. Kick ‘em all out and lock your ass inside. You will be the only person in the world with a backyard in the apocalypse.

funny or tragic May 23, 2012 at 12:52 am

My never-will-happen gnawing worry is what superpower I have and what will happen. Invisibility doesn’t do you any good if you get hit by a car. And what exactly is Wonder Womans actual power? She can spin around and change her outfit? She had shiny bangles? Gem did the same thing with radioactive earrings, big whoop. If Superman has supersperm, then I would have a supervagina that would cut men’s beefstick in half when I orgasmed, which would really kill the mood. But personally, I don’t want Aquaman’s powers. Fish can’t have that interesting of conversations, and he has to swim around trash/oil filled waters. He’s got to be a serious activist, and that has to make him seem like a complete dick. You know every conversation turns into a tirade, and that douche-canoe only has coffeehouse hipsters for friends because no one else can stand that soapbox for all eternity.
funny or tragic recently posted..Running Mantra

Noa June 5, 2012 at 12:28 am

“Fish can’t have that interesting of conversations, and he has to swim around trash/oil filled waters.”

The comment was really amazing, and then you said that, and I fell off the couch. One could only be so blasé about Aquaman’s shittiness after having thought about it for a very long time.

Thoughts Appear May 24, 2012 at 9:40 am

I recently realized I am not as prepared as I should be for the zombie apocalypse. I haven’t taught my cat to be a zombie-killing ninja yet, nor have I stockpiled any food. I do have tons of that flavored vodka. So, you know, party at my house.

Thanks for the tips! Note to self: buy loads of contact solution and pads.
Thoughts Appear recently posted..Say Cheese and Wedgies!

Noa June 5, 2012 at 12:29 am

Cats are zombie bait, my friend. Tie their asses up and they will survive.

Melodie February 14, 2013 at 1:01 pm

In the event of zombie apocalypse:

Dad’s house- grab all his guns and ammo, load Bella (who is a fairly large black lab who obeys without question) in my Dad’s truck because my Honda ain’t gonna cut it, and get thee to the nearest Walmart! Go armed with a bat though, to fend off crazies, looters, and to save ammo.

Mom’s house- hop in my Honda and head to my friend Izzy’s house. Because they are supremely prepared for everything. They backpack, camp, all know how to shoot; they will keep me alive long enough for me to learn to fair on my own and become a worthwhile member of the group.

Also, dress in as much leather as possible. I don’t care if it’s 105F outside (since this is Texas we’re talking about), LEATHER UP. THAT SHIT IS HARD TO CHEW THROUGH.

Other than that the only worthwhile thing I have to contribute to a wandering gypsy-camp of zombie apoc survivors is that I can sew. I can also make armor. But that’s all I got.

Adirondack Wills and Estate Lawyer February 25, 2014 at 6:09 pm

Whoa, I can’t believe how much this post helps! Though, it would be uselful if you could go into a bit more detail. Is there a place I can get more information? Thank you for posting and please continue to share your awesome insight with us.

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