When I first saw him there across the room, my brain and my heart both stuttered to a sudden, grinding, halt.

Could it be?

The man I’ve waited for all my sad life was right here in front of me in this diner where I work. He’s paying for the muffin he ate, and I spill the coffee that I’m holding wondering how I didn’t notice him earlier, sitting at the bar of the diner.

He looked at me out of the side of his eye and smiled half a smile, and I looked quickly away before slipping in the coffee that I just spilled.

This is physically difficult for me to write. I am shitting words out right now. Painful, Chipotle-seasoned sentences are tearing my writehole apart.

When I turn for a second glance, he’s already left the diner, and I’ve already missed my chance. I am such a loser.

I go about the rest of my day doing my same-old job, knowing that I’ll never again see the man I truly love ever again. I wobble to the parking lot, lost in the thoughts of what could have been, when a night-laced voice stops me dead.

“Where are you headed without saying hello?”

I stumble and turn, and there he stands.

Muffin Man.

This reaches a level of language ignorance I am having trouble comprehending. I am having chest pains knowing it’s come from my own hand, from my own mind.

I suppose the capacity to write heinously, like the capacity to kill, is in all of us. 

“I um…uh…um…hello,” I retort smally, knowing that my stupidity will surely send him packing.

He laughs like a wolf laughs at the sunlight, his moon-bathed eyes drinking up my soul.

To realize you can write like this is akin to finding out your uncle is Charles Manson and that he often babysat you as a child. Also he taught you how to throw knives.

“Calm down, sweetheart, I’m not going anywhere. Not without you anyways.”

Oh my God. I looked around the parking lot to see who else he was talking to, but no–it was just me. Unless he wanted to have his wicked way with the streetlight. I shake the silly thoughts from my head and turn around to my Muffin Man.

“My name is INSERTYOURSHERE.”

OH MY GOD THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID OH MY GOD. 

“That’s beautiful. Almost as beautiful as you.”

Swoon.

“Oh me? Oh…gosh. What would you ever want with me? I’m just a waitress at a diner who spills coffee.”

“I don’t see that. I see a beautiful woman hiding behind her insecurities, waiting for the right man to bring them out. I see a sensual lady who wants to awaken her hungry lover. I see only perfection, only truth, only light.”

His words hang in the air like origami cranes and the smell of acetone around Chinatown. I realize that at this moment, there had been only two people in this world–Muffin Man and Me.

This is an uncomfortable part of my psyche that I never wanted to examine. 

That night in his opulent home overlooking the city, I feel so unwomanly in my jeans and hoodie; with Muffin Man dressed to kill in his tailored suit and probably five-years-worth-of-salary shoes. He splashed his whisky around in his crystal cup, and his molten obsidian eyes ripped away at my shell. I felt like prey; I could see that there was only predator in his very soul.

He crossed the room, his feet playing games with my ears on the cold marble floor and the richly flocked floor covering.

“I love you. I always have. I’ve known that I loved you since before I even met you today at that diner. But, I have something to tell you,” he moans.

“I love you too. Don’t become worried, Alecsandere (as I had since learned was his name), it’s forever me and you against the world.”

“No, no, you need to hear this. You need to know everything about me for your own protection because there’s no telling what I’ll do to you, or anyone else, minute to minute, hour to hour.”

“I will love you no matter what.” I grip his arm firmly in my grasp. Hoping that he’ll feel the love in my arm prodding him to safety.

Jesus Ham-Eating Christ. I’m mad at this. I acknowledge that I wrote it, and I’m still so mad at it. 

He turns away from me, loosing his arm from my grasp. He smashes the crystal against the floor and lighting strikes like the mighty god Thor warning me of impending doom.

“I’m a Grimace.”

I know I should run away. I know I should leave this place right now, knowing what he really is. But I don’t. I won’t. All I’ll ever see is my Muffin Man, cool and calm in that parking lot waiting for me after he paid for his muffins at the diner where I work.

I throw my arms around his middle and he shoves me away. I move closer to him this time, holding tighter though he shoves even harder.

“I don’t care what you are!” I screamed like a proud eagle in the canyon of our love, soaring the bends of our relationship’s trials and tribulations. “I only want you to love me Alecsandere! You are the only person in the world who loves me and can make me happy and who sees me for me!”

He turns, and for a moment, a flash of purple moves across his face, and I do all I can not to flinch at the horror of the reality of the situation that we’re in. He kisses me fiercely, and I slump in his bear-like arms, taken away by the majesty of this moment.

“I just want you to promise me this one thing. I need to know that you hear me, because if you don’t listen, it will ruin literally everything ever.”

“Anything. Alecsandere, I will do anything for you.” He clamps his sexy hands around my flimsy arms and shakes me a few times until I stare him completely in his moon-streaked globes of vision.

“Never, ever, ever go near the Hamburglar.”

IT’S LITERATURE, MOTHERFUCKERS. 

And it hurts so much.

Alecsandere G. McDonaldson IV

Ever read anything that angered you so much you threw it across the room? I feel that way when I read Jane Austen, as well as the time I tried Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey.
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Janene: “Came across this name in my travels: Dick Harder. While bad enough, the system displays last name, first name, so he’s Harder, Dick. Went to school with a kid named Flash Flood. His sister’s name was Spring. Imagine hearing, “Would Flash Flood come to the attendance office. Flash Flood to the attendance office, please.” Some parents are just too cruel.”

{ 81 comments }

Meg May 2, 2012 at 3:19 am

I’ve been avoiding “50 Shades of Grey”. Then, today, my best friend told me she’d just read it and loved it. I faltered. I went to Amazon.com and looked it up. My cursor hovered over the one click purchase button. Then I decided to read the reviews…the one written by the male semi-retired gynecologist, well, that semi-retired gynecologist saved me from myself today. Thank you Mr. Semi-Retired Gynecologist man.
Meg recently posted..Experimenting With Manual Focus

Carrie May 2, 2012 at 8:51 am

Hah! I did the saem thing. That same review saved me too!

Jana May 2, 2012 at 10:08 am

Same here!! That is too frickin funny!!
Jana recently posted..Zee End

Jaclyn May 2, 2012 at 8:15 pm

All hail the semi-retired male gynecologist! I almost bought it myself, but he saved me too!
Jaclyn recently posted..Another Downer Post. Sorry. Divorce Isn’t Really That Funny, I Guess

Meg May 3, 2012 at 2:16 am

Ladies, which was worse, that he brought genital warts into it or that he let us know he took Viagra to stiffen his resolve? I’m not sure I’m going to be able to look at my gynecologist with a straight face anymore.
Meg recently posted..Experimenting With Manual Focus

Rosa May 3, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Clearly I’m going to have to go to Amazon just to read the review from the semi-retired gynecologist.
I’ll be right back……

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:34 am

I’m so glad you had the idea to read those.

It’s just so bad.

Brandi May 2, 2012 at 6:06 am

For a brief moment I thought Stephenie Meyer was guest posting.
Brandi recently posted..It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:35 am

Horrifying, right? IT TOOK ME SO LITTLE TIME TO WRITE.

Abby May 2, 2012 at 6:19 am

I was just talking about “50 Shades of Gray” with someone the other day because I had no clue what it was. For all I knew, it was a new Clairol product for us classy people who color their hair from a box. How does that shit make it “big?” It makes me stabby. Well, that and the fact that Snooki is also a best-selling “author.” I give up.
Abby recently posted..Female Problems

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:52 am

IT’S BDSM PORN.

Do people not know that vibes are available on amazon?!

Lana May 2, 2012 at 6:19 am

This is great, Stephanie Meyer, I mean Noa. Oops sometimes its hard to tell the difference.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:53 am

If I weren’t related to you, I’d hurt you.

Mayor Gia May 2, 2012 at 6:43 am

50 Shades of Purple? That shit is everywhere.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Dog Sign Contest!

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:55 am

I would read the shit out of this.

Hoody Hoo May 2, 2012 at 7:05 am

Still better than Twilight. Suck it, Stephenie Meyer.l
Hoody Hoo recently posted..Problem Solved Part II

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:57 am

YES!

Mrs Woog May 2, 2012 at 7:14 am

I read ten pages of 50 Shades of Grey then felt that there was something wrong with me as I was niot creaming my jeans over it. I was just bored. Xx

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:58 am

It means you have a brain.

Kenny Boy May 2, 2012 at 8:32 am

Your flowery prose titillated my throbbing tumescence. I am breathless with eager anticipation to bear witness to your silky, milky script. I can no longer contain my love as it spills from my keyboard, only to fall pitifully short of your transcendent composition.

……
Google Thesaurus is my muse
……

I strip the tailored Duchamp shirt from my sculpted pecs and rippling abs as a primal scream ejaculates from my very soul. I must break free from the societal constraints that keep me from ravishing my computer screen in unbridled lust for your Shakesperean text.

……
Perhaps I should close my office door now
……

Jillian @ Brilliant Title May 2, 2012 at 8:21 pm

Did Duchamp design clothes as well as urinals? Such a multi-faceted man!
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..Horse Sense

Kenny Boy May 3, 2012 at 8:09 am

Hell if I know. I Googled fancy shirts since my made in China WalMart shirts being ripped in ecstasy doesn’t sound nearly as sexy. And yes, I spelled ecstasy wrong twice until I looked that shit up.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:59 am

I feel pretty violated. Hilariously, awesomely, violated.

DevyMama May 2, 2012 at 9:42 am

I have never had so much hatred for anything in my life as I do for “Wuthering Heights”. Greatest love story of all time? Kiss my ass! Try lesson in sado-masochism. Heathcliff and Catherine = despicable assholes who deserved their misery. I fucking LOATHE that book.
DevyMama recently posted..My Man is Better Than Your Man

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:00 am

I hate the Bronte and the Austen so very much.

IT’S ALL SMUT.

BipolarBaby May 2, 2012 at 10:01 am

I have bookmarked this little gem and am sending it to EVERY FUCKING PERSON I know.
Though the words “Thank You” seem woefully inadequate for the shit eating grin this post on my face, there they are.
BipolarBaby recently posted..If I Die Tomorrow, It’ll Be As A Total Failure

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:00 am

Yay! I’m glad I can help minister against the evils of Twilight.

Misty May 2, 2012 at 10:11 am

“He laughs like a wolf laughs at the sunlight, his moon-bathed eyes drinking up my soul.”

“I see a beautiful woman hiding behind her insecurities, waiting for the right man to bring them out. I see a sensual lady who wants to awaken her hungry lover. I see only perfection, only truth, only light.”

“his molten obsidian eyes ripped away at my shell.”

“his moon-streaked globes of vision.”

These, Noa. They almost broke me. Literally, tearing me in two, like a ripe throbbing member of lustful manhood . . .

Don’t do it again. I may not recover another dose of this . . . like antibiotics taken to cure the rampant effects of unsafe and random coupling between two beings, stripped of all pretense, man and woman at their cores.
Misty recently posted..The Rules of Dinner

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:01 am

It was just the once. I had to try it just once.

Jillian @ Brilliant Title May 2, 2012 at 10:25 am

Thanks to you, I am now making a list of words or phrases which will earn my students bonus points on their otherwise horrifically written papers. Jesus Ham-Eating Christ, the Hamburglar, and the word muffin will start it off!
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..Horse Sense

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:02 am

I must see these papers. Immediately.

Eleanor May 2, 2012 at 10:30 am

Ok..I must admit…I couldn’t read the whole post. I am an avid reader, but I have a low tolerance for…um….er…yeah. Though have you ever had an experience where the book was so bad you couldn’t put it down? Like a train wreck, you have to read on to see exactly what horrible cliche will come next? How bad can it be is a dangerous question sometimes….
Eleanor recently posted..Satisfaction wasn’t that hard, was it?

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:02 am

I had to try this just once. It was addicting to write so poorly and try to see how bad it could be.

Sort of weirdly freeing.

Kelly May 2, 2012 at 10:54 am

As soon as I am able to come out of my fetal position, young lady, you and I are having a talk. Cripes, Noa, I think I need to order a LifeAlert now.
Kelly recently posted..In where I am a complete hypocrite.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:03 am

All. Blog. Readers. Should. Have. Life. Alert.

NextInLine May 2, 2012 at 10:58 am

Brilliant is as brilliant does. Although I did miss out on any mention of cold, alabaster skin. I did order 50 Shades of Grey to see what the fuss was about, and got it the same day I got Harlan Ellison’s Bugf*ck. Wonder what the Amazon people think of me????

Also, only made 10 pages in. THIS BOOK SUCKS, but then again, what should I expect from Twilight fanfic??? My bad. Yours is bettah!

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:04 am

Yay! I can’t tell if I’m honored or insulted!

Jen May 2, 2012 at 11:10 am

“Eat, Pray, Love” made me want to stab kittens just to watch them die. That narcissistic asshat should have called it “Bitch, Whine, Whore”. I hope she gets a virulent strain of the Balinese clap.
Jen recently posted..The Red Dress Playlist: "C’mon Get Higher"

Janene May 2, 2012 at 11:56 am

Oh, God, Jen, this is why I love reading your blog. You captured my exact sentiment about that drivel that made the bestsellers list. I hated every minute of that book. Thank you.

Dani May 2, 2012 at 6:32 pm

I never read it, because the very title made me hate babies and want to join a cult. And sooooo manyyyy people wanted me to read it… NOOOOoooooOOOOoooooOOOOooo!!! The same people keep asking me if I’ve read 50 Shades of Gray. I keep telling them I read Anais Nin back when lady porn was chic and now I have a drawer full of battery operated devices that make reading “erotica” unnecessary.
Dani recently posted..Long Story Short…

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:05 am

NO NO NO NO NO

I HATE IT SO MUCH.

Why did that bitch get a book deal?

Puna May 2, 2012 at 12:32 pm

I’m sorry Noa, that was a very mean prank you played. I eagerly clicked on the link to this post because your awesomeness always makes my day, but instead of riotous hilarity I find Stephanie Meyer in a Noa-skin suit. I HAD to keep reading because I didn’t understand how you could turn against us like this, but it didn’t stop. It didn’t STOP!

This is the line that broke me: “I don’t care what you are!” I screamed like a proud eagle in the canyon of our love, soaring the bends of our relationship’s trials and tribulations.

I’m still cringing. I might think twice about clicking the link to your posts, Noa. I don’t want to run into another bad writing ambush like this.
Puna recently posted..Bumptious Driver

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:06 am

I couldn’t help it. I tried to save it at the end with Grimace, because even I was hurting.

Dana the Biped May 2, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Oh, god, I die. Your brain, Noa: There monsters be.

I love it.

But if there had been one more purple adjective in this story (see what I did there?) I might’ve had to kill you.
Dana the Biped recently posted..This Is Supposed To Be My Grown-Up Job (Not Adult Job).

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:07 am

I have the most disturbing dreams.

This is the kind of thing that I see there.

I may be mentally ill.

-Vince May 2, 2012 at 1:15 pm

“The McTwilight Saga”
by Dangerballs

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:07 am

Book to follow.

Andi Davies May 2, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Halfway through this, I thought, “Oh crap, you read 50 Shades of Gray, didn’t you? I told you not to do that!” When will you learn to listen to me, Noa? WHEN?!?
Andi Davies recently posted..Me-Made-May ’12, Day 1!

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:09 am

I didn’t.

I’ve just read a shitload of fan fiction.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd May 2, 2012 at 1:36 pm

I think you have a bestseller on your guilt-ridden, disgusted-with-yourself hands.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Why didn’t you say something!?

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:09 am

This is totally how Naked Came the Stranger got so big.

DevilsHeaven May 2, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Am I the only one who had “Gingy” from Shrek singing Do You Know the Muffin Man? In their head every time they read “My Muffin Man”?
DevilsHeaven recently posted..I Was Ahead of My Time

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:10 am

THAT’S EXACTLY WHO I WANTED YOU TO SEE!

pippi May 2, 2012 at 5:04 pm

I have never read a worse book than 50 Shades of Gray, but I can’t seem to stop because, a)I paid for the piece of shit and b)it’s like a bad train wreck…I can’t look away!
I can’t believe a book that is so poorly written can be so popular. Twilight reads like a work of great literature in comparison to Shades. Thanks for the laugh, Noa. Maybe you should write for the bodice ripper genre!
pippi recently posted..Like I Don’t Have Enough Paperwork Already

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:11 am

Nicholas Sparks. Anything and everything. It’s so fucking bad.

Jaime May 2, 2012 at 6:18 pm

this is still better than the stupid book I paid for “Confessions of a Call Center Girl” .. which I thought would be a series of hilarious stories about the weird sex fetishes of her customers… turns out it was a year in the life a really boring customer service chick.
Jaime recently posted..a moment of sanity

Dani May 2, 2012 at 6:28 pm

I read that too! I downloaded it on Kindle because it was cheap and I thought it would be trashy and funny and instead, it couldn’t be stupider. Or more stupid. Whichever. It was a crime against funny, it was.
Dani recently posted..Long Story Short…

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:12 am

Holy shit. Who cares about call centers?!

Dani May 2, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Girl, your soul is filled with the poetry of the Damned…

Meanwhile, I had to write a paper comparing Tess of the D’urbervilles and Wuthering Heights when I took my smarty pants to college and decided to major in English Lit.

Tess almost made me slit my wrists. Truest fucking story EVER.

And then Wuthering Heights happened.

I’ve been on anti-depressants ever since.

Basically, anything written by a Bronte makes me want to climb the nearest tower and start shooting.
Dani recently posted..Long Story Short…

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:13 am

This is why I am in therapy. THIS IS WHAT LIVES IN MY HEAD.

Danna May 2, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Just have to comment on the comment from yesterday to say that my dad is Richard Harder. His mother’s first language was not English.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:14 am

I knew a black guy named Robert Elie. It was pretty awesome.

Danna May 2, 2012 at 9:13 pm

I was not expecting great literature but after reading Invisible Boy I wanted to call the author at 3 am and demand that she personally refund my money.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:15 am

I feel that is a totally warranted call.

Von May 3, 2012 at 1:20 am

Those who bought 50 Shades of Grey…um…how slow are you? I went to the Amazon page, read the Book Description and About the Author, both of which were flowery and gooey enough to convince me not to buy. Just, eww, I need to rinse off my brain. The gynecologist’s review was hilarious.

I’m sorry, Noa, I didn’t know what you were doing with this post. I thought we were witnessing you having some sort of psychotic break.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:16 am

I had to see how hard it was.

Turns out, it’s crazy fucking easy.

Britt May 3, 2012 at 7:40 am

The Muffin Man has always been the keeper of my inner literary little bitch. I’m glad we have that in common.

In addition, I’d like for you to know that, as a child, I was horrifically terrified by Alecsandere G. McDonaldson IV. I then found out he was supposed to represent a taste bud. It was like finding out Santa was my pervy neighbour. Enticing, but definitely less magical.
Britt recently posted..I Hope You Like the Taste of Slaps

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:17 am

My brother in law has a weird love affair with Grimace.

WHAT IS HE?

ColinP May 3, 2012 at 8:50 am

Candide, I hate that book with the fury of a million angry suns. I wanted to be able to physically enter the book and kill every character in it.
ColinP recently posted..Dancing in the Rain

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:17 am

I’ve never read it. I’ll be back soon!

natalie May 3, 2012 at 10:28 am

i don’t think you could be anymore perfect, noa. Like seriously, I’m in love with you and want to be you. that is all.
natalie recently posted..I just don’t get it…

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:18 am

So many hugs, my friend.

Lauren May 3, 2012 at 1:47 pm

I fucking appreciate this post so much.

I have been trying to explain to my sister forever (or at least since Fifty Shades came out) why my greatest pleasure in life would be to pit Stephenie Meyers against whatever asswrench wrote Fifty Shades in a fight to death in which, by lucky chance, they somehow both die.

I would make her come read this post to prove my point but she’d probably just be all like “Oh Em Gee, thanks for the reading suggestion!! I <3 the excerpt. Do you know when the full Grimace book comes out? LYLAS :)!!"
Lauren recently posted..Things That Would Probably Get Me Fired At Other Jobs.

Lauren May 3, 2012 at 1:51 pm

**to THE death rather
Lauren recently posted..Things That Would Probably Get Me Fired At Other Jobs.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:18 am

It will come out in about 2 weeks. Because this shit is too stupid not to bring to the world.

Mandi E. May 3, 2012 at 2:04 pm

I think I lost like, 12 IQ points. I mean, I’m brilliant so I can afford it, but you need to warn a bitch before you post that shit or I’m going to wind up being only as smart as the people I deal with on the daily.
Mandi E. recently posted..Pour a glass and drink to wisdom – it’s time for a few more hard truths.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:19 am

I struggled with a disclaimer at the beginning, but I figured the ending would help people figure out the bullshit.

Leauxra May 3, 2012 at 5:50 pm

I don’t see the problem here. I’ve always thought Grimace was a hottie… he’s so… purple…
Leauxra recently posted..I’m Gonna Melt Old Age Right out of my Skin

Noa May 17, 2012 at 3:20 am

And dick-shaped.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress May 21, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Thanks. I was planning on reading 50 Shades, but I feel like I got all that I needed right here, right now. So I guess I owe you, like, 12 dollars. And maybe a push in the face. Because this was hard to read.
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..Monday Dare: Ugh Life

Noa May 21, 2012 at 11:12 pm

I’ll collect both in August. Preferably at the same time.

{ 1 trackback }

Previous post:

Next post: