I present for your viewing pleasure, the absolute end of womanhood.

Adrian found me in my office–crying over my desk–watching this video. He thought I was watching a video about the ASPCA or Elmo or Transgendered Bats With Rabies or something legitimately worth crying over, but no. THAT.

There are so many problems with this video that it absolutely borders on the criminal molestation of my cerebral cortex every time I watch it.

This video proves that once and for all, we are doing a spectacular job of fucking up raising our girls.

Look at me and tell me the truth
What do you do 
When people don’t know
What we go through

First things first, in what person are you speaking here? GRAMMAR, MOTHERFUCKERS. DO YOU USE IT?

I want to give you a hug and burn your subscription to all your girly magazines. They are lying to you. I know how you’re feeling. You need validation of success. You’re horrifically insecure, which led you to make this video in the first place. It just may be the saddest thing I have ever seen.

No one ever, it seems, encouraged you to find pursuits other than attracting attention to yourself. You were never encouraged to work hard and achieve, to learn, to strive, and to know humility. You were only told how beautiful you were, and it breaks my heart that you’re already seeking this kind of attention.

They see my blonde hair
Blue eyes and class
But they don’t know
I have a really big heart

Lady Rule #315: If you say, “I’m classy/Have class/shit class,” then you are absolutely not. Also, the imagery of you meaning “ass” and saying “heart” instead gives me a raging FreudBoner. Your heart is NOT in your crotch, m’dear. Your heart is not in your butt. The butt is only for special people.

Please don’t get me wrong
I know that I’m hot
Textbook perfection really takes a lot
Weird guys call my phones
And girls call me names
Like Miley said “I can’t be tamed”

Again, first things first, Miley is not a role model. Miley has a dreamcatcher tattoo in her armpit. Sound life decisions are not high on her list of accomplishments.

You’ve already learned The Romney: the only way to feel like a real person is not just to be better than everyone else, but to make them feel bad for you in the process. If I ever got a little uppity about my life or my choices, my mom would slap me. I thank her for it, because it taught me to remember to be grateful. I’m not better than anyone, I’m not as bad off as I could be. I shut the fuck up and work hard. I learned from that slap.

You could use a HumiliSlap or two.

I do disagree with girls calling each other names, because we’re really not helping one another out when we hate on more attractive/successful people than ourselves. That being said, if you say things like “I have hot girl problems you don’t even know about,” it’s really super hard not to call you names. Even me, and I’m a classy motherfucking feminist lady.

Hot girls we have problems too
We’re just like you, except we’re hot
The world needs to open their eyes
And realize
We’re not perfect
And sometimes we lie

The world owes you no favors. The world has bigger problems than worrying about your goddamn #hotgirlproblems. Hunger. Racism. Terror. Sexism. Clean Water. Nature. Kirk Cameron.

You’re so selfless it’s painful.

The real kicker is that last line, “sometimes we lie.” Women already have reputations these days for being manipulative liars most of the time.

Thanks for putting that in song version. You’re really being a servant to womankind there. Much appreciated.

I’ve got the look
I’ve got the butt
But those things don’t make me a *slut*
Boys call me stuck up
Girls say I’m conceited
On behalf on all hot girls those comments are not needed

You’re conceited. BAM, BITCHES. This song is the most perfect demonstration of conceit ever recorded outside of Trump Tower.

Also, once again with the butt thing? I clearly did not spend enough time worrying about my ass when I was your age. Now get off my lawn.

Just cause I’m pretty
I have to be dumb
I don’t care about which
I just wanna have fun

No! NO! You DON’T have to be dumb! You know why? There’s this whole novel concept that your looks don’t define you. It’s fucking weird, but what you look like has no bearing on your talent as a doctor or parent or physicist or comedian. You get to be who you are, regardless of being “fuckable!”

Oh wait, no, I just read the first two lines. Yet another brilliant use of The Romney here in issuing a prompt about-face on your beliefs. You don’t want to be pretty and dumb, but then you don’t really care if you’re either because you just want to party.

My uterus is caving in on itself in response.

People start rumors
And say things about me
Funny thing is I didn’t go to the party

Rumors are not cool, but you could stop being rumor-fodder with shit like this.

Hot girls we have problems too
We’re just like you, except we’re hot (hot hot hot hot)
The world needs to open their eyes
And realize
We’re not perfect
And sometimes we…

That cliffhanger is killing me! YOU WHAT? Join the girl scouts? Learn a new skill? Visit a museum? Become a mentor? Be who you be?

Hot girls we have problems too
We’re just like you, except we’re HOT
The world needs to open their eyes
And realize
We’re not perfect
And sometimes we lie

You just repeat the chorus. Okay, great. Thanks. I really like feeling my uterus scream in agony.

Why oh Why
Can’t you see
You are all
Just like me
We make mistakes
And get in trouble
Now you know our hot girls trouble

Mother of God.

I…I agree with this bridge here. All girls have similar problems because we’re all in this together. Weird girls, nerd girls, pretty girls, fat girls, tall girls, girls with acne, girls with boyfriends, girls with and without virginities and families and problems and money. We’re all in this with one another. We make mistakes and get in trouble and that’s OK!

Hot girls we have problems too
We’re just like you, except we’re hot
The world needs to open their eyes
And realize
We’re not perfect
And sometimes we lie

GOD FUCKING DAMNIT.

Hot girls we have problems too
We’re just like you, except we’re hot
The world needs to open their eyes
And realize
We’re not perfect
And sometimes we lie

Thanks again for repeating this. You’re hot, you’re perfect, you lie, and you’re so obsessed with your asses. Lookin’ good for sexism, girls!

Just kidding
We’re perfect

Thank God, because I was really worried for a second that you had too much humility.

We have failed as a society.

Where else are we failing our girls? More on that, what do we do?

Episode 5 of the Podcast is up! We talked to Jen from Jen E Sais Quoi. She’s unbelievably hilarious on her blog and IN REAL LIFE. We do some impressions, hate on hipsters and Coldplay, and we even break it down and get real for a few minutes. I cry at one point. THAT good. 
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Misty: “Woo-hoo, Dani!! I have loved her for YEARS. And I only discovered her existence about 8 months ago. THAT’S how fucking funny that bitch is!” 

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