The Abortionater Is Fucked Up In And Out Of Context

04/30/2012 · 79 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, I'm A Terrible Person, Social Services

Grace has learned the hard way not to let me name anything.

“Hey Noa, someone needs a bucking bull named. Any suggestions?”

  • Fluffums McGuffums
  • Ricardo Montalbuck
  • Buckminster Fuller
  • Betty White
  • Bulla Deen
  • Snooki’s Child
  • Peeta Bullark
  • District 13
  • Bob Bucker’s Price is Wrong
  • The Real Housebulls of Buck
  • The Abortionater

“So, this bitch I know on Facebook is naming her kid a weird name. I really want to comment and give her some new suggestions. Help?”

  • Nevahsae Nevah
  • Maqyennya
  • Purplita
  • Kamrodderryie
  • Genyouaryee
  • Bible
  • Camelletohe
  • Tresemme
  • Shouldah
  • Tamphaxie
  • Daytohnya
  • One Eyed Pete
  • Nipplupa
  • MishaFitta
  • Bonobo
  • Triggah
  • Ma’fukkere
  • Johny
  • Burbura
  • Dat’rappey

“I need new names for a grandmother.”

  • Magrubbins
  • National Grampoon
  • Gramophone
  • Gramajamma
  • Hooch
  • Steel Magrandmas
  • Fried Green Nanas
  • Towanda
  • The Graminator
  • Top Granny
  • Booter-n-oal
  • The Real Grandmas of Unplanned Pregnancy
  • Crouching Tiger, Hidden Nana
Social services already has me on a birth certificate blacklist.

I love hearing fucked-up names for things. Bring’em on: grandparents, children, cars, homes, dicks, cats, dogs, taint lint–I want them all!

Due to the goddamn computer error to end all errors, there is no Abby Has Issues podcast up today. I will have more news soon.
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Dana The Biped: “Six kids? Six?! Good Lord, she’d have to be a funny bitch just to survive!” 
Jaime April 30, 2012 at 2:40 am

I don’t get the trend of naming your kids these weird obscure names that only make sense if you’re wacked out on goofballs….. What a way to make your kid fucked up for life having to A) spell their name to everyone under the sun cuz no one will be able to spell it correclty and B) resent you for life for giving them such a horrid name. Way to be douchebags, mom and dad. Thanks, signed… A kid with a name everyone spells wrong.
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Mayor Gia April 30, 2012 at 6:44 am

I concur. And nicely played spin off of Nevaeh, Noa. Serioulsy, I hate “Nevaeh.” “Ohhh but it’s heaven backwards.” Backwards? So calling your kid “Hell” essentially gets you to the same place, huh?

I gotta remember to shut the fuck up about it at work though, because that’s my coworker’s granddaughter’s name. Unfortunately.
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Bill G. April 30, 2012 at 8:01 pm

Here in mormon-land, it’s fashionable to have 15 kids and give them names that all have the same first letter. Whatever floats your boat, I guess.

Janene May 7, 2012 at 10:04 am

I went to school with kids who all had the same “sound” in their name: ‘ayne”. I believe it started with the eldest and worked its way down from there: Dwayne, Blayne, Shane, Joe-layne. I swear, with the last one, it’s like they were grasping at straws or something.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:25 am

My favorite has and always will be Onjastya’a.


Amanda Godin April 30, 2012 at 3:22 am

I have a pet fox. What would you name her? We were thinking Gizmo because I’m sure she’ll turn out to be a gremlin who rais our fridge, leaves a big ring in the bath and then kills us in our sleep.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:26 am


I am ashamed of myself.

Amanda Godin April 30, 2012 at 3:24 am

*raids* stupid Nook!

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:27 am


Meg April 30, 2012 at 4:38 am

My aunt’s brother is Richard Harrer. He never has liked the nickname Dick…
Meg recently posted..Experimenting With Manual Focus

Bill G. April 30, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Dead serious, I had a college friend (Bo) who had a high school teacher named Richard Smack (who everybody called Dick Smack when he was out of earshot, or not). One night, I was drinking in his dorm room with a couple of other guys and one of them called bullshit on the teacher named Richard Smack. Bo broke out the high school yearbook and there he was on the faculty pages. The guy who called bullshit wound up owing Bo a six-pack but said it was worth it.

Meg May 1, 2012 at 2:08 pm

You would think more people would change their names.
Meg recently posted..Experimenting With Manual Focus

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:27 am

I have an uncle named Richard Little.

And he’s a total dick too.

Kelly April 30, 2012 at 8:24 am

Not only can people fuck up their kids’ first names, did you know you can give your kid ANY LAST NAME YOU WANT??? Seriously. Which is why I know a person named “Secret Precious Love.” You can’t make that shit up, people. Well, I guess her mom did. OH SNAP.
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:28 am

I had no idea you could do that.

Hold on, I have to go conceive.

Jen April 30, 2012 at 8:41 am

I can’t believe you overlooked the obvious “Buck Rogers”. For shame, Noa.

I grew up in a hippy-dippy town (graduated with Jerry Garcia’s daughter) and my freshman cheerleading squad had a Whisper, a Breezy, two Sages, and a Lhotse (the name of a Tibetan mountain). Keep on truckin’, motherfuckers.

PS: We have a cat named Meownce Knowles. My son used to have a lizard named Cee-Lo Greentail but there was an unfortunate incident involving a boxfan so he is now singing Gnarls Barkley tunes from the great beyond. RIP, Cee-Lo.
Jen recently posted..HGTV with Charles Baudelaire

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:30 am

FUCK. Where are you when I need you, dammit?!?!

Jillian @ Brilliant Title April 30, 2012 at 8:58 am

I am going to marry a man whose last name is Kent, hypenate my name to become Mrs. Clark-Kent, and name my first daughter Lois Lane. Non-negotiable.
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:30 am

I hate how awesome you are.

sara April 30, 2012 at 9:09 am

First time commenting Noa…love, love, love you. My grandson has a whacked name. Love the little nugget, but can’t stand the name! His name is Lyrik. I told my daughter she better stock up on first aid crap now, because he’s sure to get his @$$ kicked daily. Unfortunately for my daughter, he’s been a crier…I’ve nicknamed him “Wah-Wah.”

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:31 am


Also…I’m so sad for your Grandson. He’s gonna get his ass kicked.

leigh April 30, 2012 at 9:19 am

I called my ex-coworker Talky McAwkward… well… not to his face… ;)

I call my dog fluffer-nutter because he is NUTS and also very fluffy, and white… but that isn’t his real name… hm… not fixed… so he still has his nuts… god. I just realized some people might think that’s why I call him that… except… well, I’m probably the only that has ever made that connection.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:33 am

I had to read this 15 times before I realized that Nuts and fluffy/white were separate qualities. I thought you were telling me his nuts were fluffy and white.

Andi Davies April 30, 2012 at 9:26 am

I went to high school with twins named Mountiana and Moon. I can sort of live with Moon — it’s one of those patchouli names, been around a while — but Mountiana? You just have to hope she never gets fat.

My friends and I used to come up with some really whacked out names for our future offspring. Fortunately, I grew up before actually having children and naming my daughter Kitten. On second thought, I think I just WANTED a kitten. Yeah, that makes more sense.

My BFF just had a baby, and their last name is Montoya. I spent the entire pregnancy begging her to name her son Inigo. Luckily for our friendship, she had a girl.
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Scarlet April 30, 2012 at 2:31 pm

I went to school with twins named Candi and Cherry. I shit you not.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:35 am

I think Inigo would be a beautiful girls name as well.

buttah April 30, 2012 at 9:47 am

Our 6 year old calls his boy parts his Peedoo…I kinda came up with it when he was a baby, cause I just knew that when he figured out what that thing is really capable of he would say “WHOOOPEEDOO!! Look what this thing can really do!!” So peedoo stuck, and he still calls it that. I call my girl parts my vagenius, and when I reference it to Hubs it is “her” or “she”…don’t know why, I just do. We also thought of several crazy names too for children. Our last name is Butter…yes, really. So we considered naming a girl Molly MacKenzie Butter, so we could call her Molly Mac Butter…and we have a friend whose last name is Hill, and he jokingly said he was going to name a girl Strawberry Hill…thank goodness he didn’t!!

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:36 am

This weirdly puts The Wedding Singer in a weird new light.

Eleanor April 30, 2012 at 11:18 am

The best fucked up name I have ever heard has to be from 20 years ago when I was a nanny.

One one day one of the kids said he wanted to see his aunt Poopy. He was 2 at the time, so I asked him to repeat what he said. I had heard right…his AUNT POOPY. So when I asked his mom about it when she got home, she stood there, straight faced, and said her nickname was Pupe (pronounced poopy), which is German for doll. According to her, her sister picked up the nickname when they were kids and it stuck. I totally call bullshit on that one. Both of her parents emigrated from Cuba. German wasn’t thier first language….Spanish was. My theory….they called her Poopy for a different reason, didn’t want to stop so found a reason to keep calling her that. Top it off with the fact that the whole family is preppy to the bone.

I will never cease to be amused by that.
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:44 am

If I didn’t see the rest of your comments, I would have thought that you made that up. That is truly magic.

Suniverse April 30, 2012 at 11:48 am

I call the husband motherfucker. Because technically, he is.
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:45 am

Well. Fucking. Done.

Janene April 30, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Came across this name in my travels: Dick Harder. While bad enough, the system displays last name, first name, so he’s Harder, Dick.

Went to school with a kid named Flash Flood. His sister’s name was Spring. Imagine hearing, “Would Flash Flood come to the attendance office. Flash Flood to the attendance office, please.”

Some parents are just too cruel.

Jillian @ Brilliant Title April 30, 2012 at 2:55 pm

My mom went to school with the Dick family. Their kids were named Harry and Anita. Ouch…
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:46 am

I think you’re setting up some kids with shitty lives when you name them Flash. “How long do you last in bed?” “REALLY?!”

L-Kat April 30, 2012 at 12:43 pm

True story: in college I dated a Peter Jennings. At a party, we ran into a Tom Brokaw. No lie. The two ran around “reporting” on keg stands, drunk college chicks, and vomit-bombs. Moral of the story: If you’re going to be a douche and name your child after a semi-celebrity, make sure the celebrity has a respectable career, not a porn star or something.
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Bill G. April 30, 2012 at 7:50 pm

That’s pretty weird. But you’re right. All things considered, it’s better than being named Ron Jeremy. And naming a boy after John Wayne is a one-way ticket to hell (John Wayne Gacy, John Wayne Bobbitt, etc.).

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:46 am

I would have paid a LOT of money to see that.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd April 30, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Tom and I worked at a standardized test grading center right out of college, and there was a younger woman there who must have been a meth head or loved tanning booths too much, because she looked much older than she was – she was “Old Young Girl.” Then, there was an older lady who dressed like a six year old, think Betsey Johnson, and she was “Young Old Girl.” These nicknames were not known to them.
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:48 am

That’s the only way to get through jobs like that. I had a “Suspender Jones,” and “TitSweat” at AT&T.

Misty April 30, 2012 at 2:04 pm

I may have told this story already, but oh well . . .

There was this young girl named Le-a. On her first day of school, her teacher kept calling her “LEE UH.” That night, the teacher got a call from the girl’s mom, outraged and yelling at the teacher for continuously getting her daughter’s name wrong. Not understanding what the issue was, the teacher asked how she was pronouncing it wrong. The mother told her, “It’s not LEE UH! It’s pronounced LUH DASH UH.”

Yep, the dash is actually pronounced as “dash.”

True story.
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Jen April 30, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Oh fuck me running, that is so very wrong. There was a little girl in my son’s class last year named Kass&ra, I shit you not. I want to kick her parents in the face.
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Scarlet April 30, 2012 at 2:34 pm

That is just wrong.

Johi April 30, 2012 at 6:02 pm

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Johi April 30, 2012 at 6:04 pm

…says the girl named Johi. That’s Jo-ey, in case anyone was wondering. It works for me because I LOVE correcting people.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:49 am

Oh Le-A.


Mandi E. April 30, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Some close friends of mine and my husband’s recently spawned the second little soldier in their Catholic army. His first name is a good, strong, solid Jonathan. His middle name? Benedict. After the pope. His miscarried brother was going to be named Rafael. How his big sister got away with Sarah Jennifer is beyond me.
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Norway April 30, 2012 at 4:14 pm

You can actually go pretty far in life with the name Benedict. Assuming you’re extremely attractive and good at acting, I mean.

Jana April 30, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Stormy Meadows…..she went to my high school and she was a bitch. Then there was the girl that officially changed her name to Booger.

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Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:50 am

I want to name a kid Rafael, only because my generation would constantly ask him where Donatello was.

NATurally Inappropriate April 30, 2012 at 3:46 pm

My son was telling me about this person named La-a

You pronounce it “Ladasha”

I had to google it to see if he made it up… lol
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:50 am

Totally True.

And totally sad.

Tracy April 30, 2012 at 4:06 pm

My Mom’s a nurse and during her time on the maternity ward, she witnessed a mother name her baby Syphilis. Mom said it was the only time staff tried to talk someone out of a name.

“Do you know what that means?”

“Yes. I just think it sounds beautiful.”
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Jen April 30, 2012 at 5:38 pm

My friend is an OB nurse and she got to hear a mother name her new baby girl Placenta. She said she wanted to tie that woman’s tubes right then and there so no other kid got screwed with a horrible name.

Bill G. April 30, 2012 at 7:43 pm

These stories tighten my colon.

Tracy May 1, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Mannheim Steamroller tightens mine. Christmastime is painful.

Placenta…mother of god.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:51 am

I thought that Abcde was a made-up phenomenon until last week, and then I met one.

Abcde Maxwell.


Dana the Biped April 30, 2012 at 6:10 pm

I call my boobs “tats.” It makes my B-cups seem a lot more intimidating.
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:51 am

I call my buccaneers.

For no reason really. Just because I feel like it.

Bill G. April 30, 2012 at 7:42 pm

For a bucking bull: “Mary Kay Cattle-ac”.

For the son: “Bob”, but spell it J-O-H-N.

For the daughter: “Passion fruit” (in deference to whatever fucked-up celebrity named her daughter Apple; it’s a good thing that kid is a trust-fund baby who will never have to attend public school because she’d get the shit kicked out of her; way to go, mom).

For grandma: “Milly-gram” (first time in my life I ever used the metric system for anything).

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:52 am

Hold on, I have some people to call.

Pish Posh April 30, 2012 at 10:58 pm

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Nana is just my favorite.

Creepy? Cute? Could go either way.

Depending on the Nana.

Or the tiger.
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:52 am

Someone in my family is about to get a new name.

Margaret May 1, 2012 at 9:53 pm

I dated a guy who called his penis Gila…as in “Gila Monster.” He was a great guy, but we were just too old for that kind of bullshit. It’s hard to have sex with a grown ass man who says “Giiiiiiila,” in a lecherous voice no matter how admirable his other qualities.

I worked in a children’s hospital and there were some beauties. However, my all time favorite was a kid named “J-A-M-E-S.” I thought I was safe when I called his name, but his mother got all indignant when I pronounced it wrong. “It’s Jah-mez!” Call your kid whatever you wish, but when you choose a spelling that has a universally agreed upon pronunciation and change it around, please do NOT act like I am the fool.

Also, girls should not be given their stripper names at birth.
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:54 am


Last week on ToddlersNTiaras, there was a girl named Alycesaundra, but the announcer accidentally put in an extra I while pronouncing it and the mom was FURIOUS.

Really? Look at what you did there.

michelle May 3, 2012 at 11:28 am

In high school: Ann Fibian & Toya Lett

In college: Margarita Drinker. And one dorm had John Lennon & John Hinkley rooming together.

Met a Harold Balls once…

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:55 am

I’m laughing so stupid hard at Harold Balls.

michelle May 3, 2012 at 11:32 am

whoops! meant to say that Lennon and CHAPMAN were rooming together. Hinkley was in another dorm, on the same floor as a R[eginald] Reagan. It was a strange year…

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:56 am

I new a roommate pair once that was Little/Bigge.

Misty May 3, 2012 at 12:16 pm

There was a man in court today named Elvis Burgher. True Story.

Mmmm, meaty!
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:56 am

You get to see a magical part of the US.

Jen May 3, 2012 at 12:48 pm

I spoke to my Dad on the phone today and he told me he had just received another job application with the name Shithead on it. Apparently this is his fourth or fifth Shithead application in his 20 years on the job. Naturally, the applicants are VERY quick to let him know it’s pronounced Shi-Theed. That, however, does not change the fact that it is spelled Shit-Head. All his employees must wear ID badges with their name in large print because it’s a nursing home and the residents don’t have the best vision. Of course, they also don’t have the best memories so there is a good chance this woman would have to remind them her name is Shi-theed on a daily basis. I hope she walks proudly through the halls wearing her “Shithead” name badge…and then goes home and slaps her mother for naming her that.

Misty May 3, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Speaking of slapping your mother . . . I met a woman a little while back whose name was actually and legally Manage a Trois.

I’m not sure that it’s proper to name a child after the sexual experience that created it.
Misty recently posted..The Rules of Dinner

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:57 am

I want to go hurt someone.

Heather May 5, 2012 at 3:54 pm

When I was working in a bar back in Kansas, I id’ed a guy who’s name was Joseph William Blow. Everyone called him Joe. I am not sure what name he went with growing up but I would’ve changed my name. Joe Blow, Will Blow, Joe Will Blow…I can’t imagine the amount of teasing and/or ass kicking that came with that name.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:57 am

I want to give that guy a hug.

And then ask him how many people he blows.

sarah May 6, 2012 at 9:58 pm

I went to high school with and April Dawn Joy

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:58 am

Wayyyyyyyy too much happiness in that name.

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