Letters To Insufferable Members Of Society: Human Islands

04/04/2012 · 98 comments

in Letters to Insufferable Members of Society,Psychological Warfare,What Is Wrong With You?

Dear Human Islands,

I have so much hate in my relatively miniature body. I hate so much of society, of culture, and of the waning occurrences of intelligence that are cropping up in our world. I hate newsletters of any kind. I hate how much I love Courtney Stodden and her obscenely ridiculous existence.

Most of all, I hate people who are so fucking unaware that they aren’t the only goddamn person in the world that they ruin fucking everything for fucking everyone. 

Human Islands. That’s you, asshole.

You are the most important human on the planet. Common human decency is, to you, allowing others to simply exist around you despite your obvious distaste.

Do you know what animals do to herd members who are dicks? They hurt them. Sometimes they kill them. We’re not allowed to do that to you because it’s frowned upon to use the “evolutionary demands” defense against a felony I committed when you rammed your stroller into my ankle for the 456th time after I even made a point to say, “you’re hitting me, and I’d like that to stop.”

If you were an alligator, I would have already stone-cold snapped a bitch.

You’re not, though. You are it, the only one that matters in the world, and everyone loves you. Don’t worry about us, because if we can’t accept you for your wonderful uniqueness, then we’re not worth your time, right? You are who you are, and no one should really expect you to change.

Fuck You.

  • for leaving your shopping cart to ram into unsuspecting old ladies in the lot instead of walking it 12 feet to the left
  • for being blissfully unaware of how goddamn loud your food wrappers are in a movie theater
  • for yellphoning in a bank lobby
  • for blocking a grocery store aisle until you’re good and goddamn ready to pick a pasta sauce
  • for staying in the left lane going 50 WHILE TEXTING AND ALSO EATING CORN ON THE COB (true story)
  • for allowing your children to view the mall as their personal screaming/punch-running quarters
  • for sending me endless Linked-In requests
  • for throwing clothes you’ve tried on into a horrible rumpled-ass pile on the dressing room floor
  • for taking 45 minutes to select an overhead bin nowhere near your seat
  • for banning something because you don’t want to say no to your child
  • for shitting on the floor or wall of any public restroom (seriously, it’s not that hard to aim your asshole at a toilet)
  • for not punching the child that punches all the loaves of bread in
  • for elbowing my tits in IKEA because you really needed that $2 shower curtain right fucking now
  • for walking so. fucking. slowly. through a crosswalk
  • for being a fucking hipster asshole
  • for demanding a refund on something you know is ludicrous simply because you’re a customer
  • for letting your kid throw tortilla chips at me over the booth for an hour at On The Border, and then becoming upset when I pegged him one in the face hole

Most of all, fuck you for not simply saying, “excuse me.” Those simple words mean the difference between your life and your untimely yet relatively un-sad demise at my alligator maiming. We all fuck up once in a while, but say that phrase and we all know it’s okay.

Grow up. Look around you. Realize that you’re not alone here. Act like an asshole all day at home if you like, but once you’re among people, you have to act like people.

Say the words, save a life.

Love From,

Noa D. Gavin

Ever seen a Human Island? What’d they do that pissed you off? Did you say anything to them?
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Carrie-Cannibalistic Nerd: “My cousin is a competitive birth story teller. She always busts out that her epidural only worked on half of her body and oh-my-god-it-was-so-awful. Meanwhile my sister, who’s had two completely natural births secretly rolls her eyes. My sister’s last delivery was chaotically fast – she came close to giving birth in her car. My cousin always loudly exclaims “God, I wish I had a quick labor like you.” Sometimes I just wish people would just literally say what they’re feeling – just yell “MEEEEEEEEEEEE!” for 15 seconds and get it over with.” 

{ 97 comments }

Mayor Gia April 4, 2012 at 5:29 am

Hear hear! I like excuse me. I wish I had a neon blinking sign that says “the space you are trying to occupy is already being occupied by me.”
Mayor Gia recently posted..March Madness: Final Standings

Front Desk Ninja April 4, 2012 at 5:34 am

Wouldn’t the sign take up more room though?
That’s just selfish.

You’re an only child, right?
I get that vibe. It’s something I would totally do.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..No, I Will Not Touch Your Penis!

Noa May 16, 2012 at 8:00 pm

@Gia: Oh the closers. BACK THE FUCK UP, YO.

@FDN: Hell, I have a sister and I don’t want people all up in my shit.

Front Desk Ninja April 4, 2012 at 5:31 am

Human Islands actually live in hotels.
I just want you to know this.

I would like to say fuck you:

-to the douche who won’t stop staring at my tits and licking his lips. You’re 12, go back to your mother.
- To the creepy guy who assumes because I remember his first name and greet him as such (BECAUSE HE FUCKING LIVES HERE) that we are BFF, and he gets to make comments and butt in front of other people.
- To every hockey.soccer.ballerina.figure fucking skating parent. Ever. Fuck you. Your life and weekend are not ruined if you can’t have that extra pool towel for your hair, or if Jimmy and Janey have to walk five doors down to go play with Johnny and Jenna. No one fucking cares. Learn to hold your alcohol better and be more goddamn respectful and realise I’m only one.fucking. person.

*breathe*

Woo-sa.

Good morning.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..No, I Will Not Touch Your Penis!

Noa May 16, 2012 at 8:02 pm

I had no idea that hotels were such cesspools of people. That’s the worst fucking thing I can imagine, because they’re in your area for soooooo long. At least you know if you’re serving at a restaurant, they have to leave pretty soon.

Hoody Hoo April 4, 2012 at 6:39 am

This post dovetails so nicely with the previous one… since most of the Human Islands I seem to run into have one or more obnoxious Child-Island in tow. Making them some sort of Human Archipelago, I guess?
Hoody Hoo recently posted..Here We Go Again

Noa May 16, 2012 at 8:02 pm

That’s my favorite new term for asshole families.

Meg April 4, 2012 at 6:40 am

You had me at “for being blissfully unaware of how goddamn loud your food wrappers are in a movie theater” or, when they chew their popcorn with their mouth wide open. Makes me want to KILL!!! Or ice chewers, gum smackers…anyone that makes annoying sounds with their mouth. And like you said, the ones that can’t say “excuse me”. One up on that, my kids have been taught manners and regularly hold the door open for people when we are out in public. Most people walk right through the door without saying thank you. I’ve yelled, “let the door hit them in the ass if they can’t say thanks”. I hate rude people.
Meg recently posted..Anger Management

Noa May 16, 2012 at 8:03 pm

I can’t imagine being so fucking self-unaware that I have no idea if I’m being an asshole to those around me. I can’t even wait in line without feeling bad for the person behind me.

Starle April 4, 2012 at 8:03 am

How the hell do you eat corn on the cob and still drive?!? That right there is just ridiculous. I hate rude people and I hate rude people pushing 4 year olds in strollers even more.
Starle recently posted..Life in the UK is Awesome

Jen April 5, 2012 at 11:20 am

I once saw someone waxing her upper lip while eating a Croissandwich in the left hand lane. . .oh wait. . .that was me.
Jen recently posted..An Open Letter To PFD Firehouse #9

Noa May 16, 2012 at 8:04 pm

@Starle: It was quite the sight. I really wish I had taken a photo.

@Jen: It was you eating the corn, wasn’t it?

CrazyTragicAlmostMagic April 4, 2012 at 8:51 am

This needs to be a PSA immediately!
CrazyTragicAlmostMagic recently posted..23 Things

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:20 pm

On it.

Jana April 4, 2012 at 8:55 am

Seriously, can’t we just leave them on the Human Island?? I would prefer to think that those people get to hang out with the creepy Marlon Brando character on the Island of Dr. Moreau instead of interacting with the rest of us.

And I swear to the great god above if one of those fuckers pushes my kid again while trying to jostle to the front of the line – I will go fried green tomatoes all over your ass and cook you up with BBQ sauce!
Jana recently posted..C…….Cows are Aliens….DAMNIT!

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:20 pm

Wasn’t there an island in Battle Royale? Can we make that happen?

Jen April 4, 2012 at 8:57 am

“for shitting on the floor or wall of any public restroom ”

Seriously, it’s disturbing to me how often I’ve seen this. I don’t remember this occuring so often 10+ years ago. Is there a epidemic of ass-explosion? I think not, people are just assholes. I’d also like to add: “people who bring young children to rated R movies.” Or any movie where they let them scream through the entire thing. Because it’s all about them right? Or how about other inappropriate venues? I was in Spencer’s with my husband, giggling like schoolgirls over the sex games and – I kid you not – a crown of penises. A crown made of penises. How awesome is that? Apparently awesome enough that a young mother brought her two year old to admire it, while hitting me in the ankles with her stroller.

Eleanor April 5, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Really? When I was a teenager, I remember my best friend and I mapping out the best public restrooms in Spokane. Because poop was the least offensive thing you could encounter in the restroom….especially the ladies. *shudder*
Eleanor recently posted..Now I just need a mini Doctor……

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:21 pm

How do you miss with your whole ass!?! The bowl is rather large, and to miss with your WHOLE ASS? That’s some kind of don’t give a fuck.

Sarah April 4, 2012 at 9:11 am

My brooding teen was acting like a freaking human island this morning. He considers himself to be one entitled teen guy, and I’m hoping it’s a phase, but not taking any chances. Some might think it bad parenting, but I think I am saving the world from future problems when I tell him that no one likes an asshole.
Sarah recently posted..The Imperfect Mother’s Guide to Feeding Children

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:22 pm

PRAISE YOU WOMAN. You are a good mother.

Ruth April 4, 2012 at 9:20 am

How about the asshats that are planted directly in front of the elevator doors and try to push themselves in before anyone has a chance to exit?! I’m passive aggressive enough to plant myself in front of the door just before I reach my floor and won’t let these jerkwads push past me. And being the snarky sarcastic person I am, will say, “Hey! Guess what? You get outta my way so I can get off, I’ll let you have the WHOLE DAMNED ELEVATOR to practice even more rude behavior, like farting in an elevator!”

Melissa April 5, 2012 at 3:26 pm

This happens to me every.single.day at work. On the first floor. Do people really expect that the elevator is empty coming down 14 floors? Also, I love the people who cram themselves into the elevator that is completely packed… and, of course the asshole that crams in is wearing a backpack and proceeds to hit people in the face with it. asshole. and for the record, who wears a backpack with a suit?

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:24 pm

Just a couple of months ago, Adrian and I had to ride a terminal link bus at the airport. While we getting off the bus, some woman stepped on the stairs and waited there, so she could get on IMMEDIATELY after we exited. So we had to move our huge-ass bags around her while she stood on the bus steps, huffing angrily at us. At one point, Adrian turns and says, “LOOK BITCH, WHO THE FUCK GETS ON THE BUS AND WAITS IN THE DOOR WHILE PEOPLE EXIT. YOU ARE THE DUMBEST OF DUMB.”

Kelly April 4, 2012 at 9:47 am

Posts like this make me want you to change the title of your blog to “Church of Noa.”

May I add the following? Thanks.

Emo kids, those of which the only suffering they’ve endured is Walgreens being out of black eyeliner. Pull your pants up. I’m sure Hot Topic sells belts.

DMV employees. Self-explanatory.

People who don’t understand the concept of a four-way stop, or what it means to yield when driving on on-ramps, and the penis wrinkle who invented roundabouts. Not to be confused withe delicious fried potato treat, but something else on the roads to make me wish flame throwers were conceal and carry.
Kelly recently posted..Karma in action, episode 1

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:25 pm

Adrian had a DMV employee that left the counter to go get a copy of something, and didn’t return for a half an hour. She fucking forgot to come back.

Chris April 4, 2012 at 9:49 am

Well, I look like a human island, because I’m so fat, and I do walk very slow throught cross walks. I’m sorry. I don’t do any of the other things, though. On behalf of all the human islands, I apologize. :(

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:28 pm

That’s TOTALLY different. I don’t hate on people who move slowly for a reason. I’m talking about the teenage assholes who flip me off as they drift across. They’re really just making it easier for me to remember their faces.

L-Kat April 4, 2012 at 10:32 am

Thank you for not turning off the “beep” sound on your cell phone when you press a key. And thanks for nonstop texting aka unnecessary beeping bullshit.
L-Kat recently posted..Don’t let me make decisions in an altered state of mind

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:29 pm

OH THANK YOU. Yes.

Margaret April 4, 2012 at 10:50 am

The Human Islands that aggravate me most roam the grocery stores. They allow their children to run up and down the aisles and smile at me in an “isn’t that cute” way that makes me want to cut them. They get in the “15 items of fewer lane” with 20 + items and pretend they can’t fucking count. They hold up the ENTIRE line of customers while they send their spawn to get that ONE last item they forgot while the clerk and I clench our teeth.
And I bet you money they are the ones shitting on the wall.
Margaret recently posted..Wherein I get a little crafty..and purple

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:30 pm

If you forget an item, you leave the line for good.

HOW HARD IS THAT?!

Jillian @ Brilliant Title April 4, 2012 at 10:53 am

The Hunger Games in real life. You think you’re the most exceptional in the world? Prove it. You get a steak knife and a pack of graham crackers. Ready, go.
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..Speed Blogging

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:30 pm

You’re right. I love your comments. SO SO MUCH.

Kenny Boy April 4, 2012 at 11:02 am

As a Texas boy, my mama raised me to be a gentleman. I am on the verge of telling my mama to shut the hell up and go back to the Victorian times. I am so fucking sick and tired of holding the door open for women who are talking on their cell phones who don’t have the common courtesy to even nod a thank you to me, then go get in a line in front of me even though I was obviously there first. Motherfuckers I was already at Taco Bell when I held the door open for your ass and you think that meant that you can have my place in line, too?
I hope that big beefy burrito you are stuffing down your cake hole gets hung up in there while you frantically text “OMG teh burito is choking me lolz” to your Facebook page.

Jana April 4, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Kenny – you are awesome!! I promise to always let you in front of me in line!
Jana recently posted..D for the devil doll that tries to kill me

Jen April 5, 2012 at 11:22 am

Oh my God, Kenny. I love you so hard right now.
Jen recently posted..An Open Letter To PFD Firehouse #9

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:32 pm

I hate those women for you. You do that for me, I say thank you. Simple as that.

Everyone: get off your phones.

Britt April 4, 2012 at 11:04 am

Self-entitlement is the MOST chair-to-the-face-worthy state of being. I swear to god, I will throat punch the next motherfucker that cuts in front of me on the sidewalk and stops in their tracks to check their phone. Actually, scratch that, I will light that sonofabitch on fire.
Britt recently posted..Get Out of My House! (Oh F*ck, You Live Here, Too)

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:33 pm

I think if the world knew what self-respect meant, the world would be a perfect place.

Teresa April 4, 2012 at 11:07 am

I was reading your post out loud to my ManFriend. As I progressed past the first bullet point, my voice got louder and louder. By the end I was marching through the living room, punching the air and screaming out the reasons people are assholes. ManFriend won’t come out from under the table now. He should because his cereal is getting soggy.

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:34 pm

I’m glad you could be so inspired! It does my heart so good.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd April 4, 2012 at 11:51 am

This was so great. I’ve also written about someone shitting on a public bathroom floor. There cannot be that many shitting emergencies in the world that would cause that many people to plop a steaming turd a foot from a toilet. It’s just not possible.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Facts I made up about the movie Psycho.

Jana April 4, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Carrie – I have actually been on jobs where the guys working on my project have shit in brand spankin new casework cabinets. NOT EVEN KIDDING
Jana recently posted..D for the devil doll that tries to kill me

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:35 pm

I honestly want to know who has to shit so badly that they just run at a stall backwards with their pants down hoping they hit something to shit on.

MonicaP April 4, 2012 at 12:05 pm

**for banning something because you don’t want to say no to your child**

THIS. In my neighborhood, some twatwaffle mothers are getting a petition going to ban the ice cream truck from the park. They’re doing it because their kids become screaming hellish brats when they say no, and they don’t want to deal with it.

Screw you, ladies. Ice cream is fucking delicious, and I want some.
MonicaP recently posted..The Bronx Zoo is a little bit awesome and a little bit bullshit

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:36 pm

Do you enjoy living in Park Slope Brooklyn?

Dana the Biped April 4, 2012 at 12:37 pm

That chick behind the counter of the college I was visiting. I said something along the lines of, “Excuse me, would I be able to get change for a dollar?” And she was all, “Do you mean, *’please* can I get change for a dollar?’”

No. I meant. Give me my fucking change, bitch, and by the way you deserve a good swift chair to the face.
Dana the Biped recently posted..The State of Florida is None the Worse for Wear

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:37 pm

WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT?

You have more self-restraint than I.

Puna April 4, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Completely in agreement with Hoody Hoo. Today’s post is almost an extension of your previous post because Human Islands are birthed into this world by other Human Islands.

In my experience, the most nefarious Human Island is the person whose only goal in life is to become a mother, but not a good parent. They think they deserve a medal for being the first person to ever give birth, except news flash, there are others who have done the same and there will always be more. Now get off your high horse, tell your kid to stop punching me in the knee, and become a parent! These are the people who unknowingly add fuel to my daydreams of mass killings.
Puna recently posted..I Need a Skyrim Patch

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:39 pm

That’s like being high-fived for pooping. No one cares.

Jaime April 4, 2012 at 1:27 pm

I’m so very glad that I don’t fit into any of those…. I would add the following:

-for spreading your legs so wide you take up two seats on the bus/train/plane… I highly doubt your balls are that big.
-for letting your dog poop on my lawn constantly and never cleaning it up
-for continuing to sit in your seat on the bus/train when there is obviously someone else in need of that seat
-for not answering your extremely annoying ringtone which is obviously set to “annoy” on the bus/train

Human Islands need to confined to an actual island.. preferably a deserted one in the middle of nowhere.
Jaime recently posted..my zombie tragedy……..

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:41 pm

Oh God. Are there really people in the world who don’t know how to press, “ignore?” FUCK those people.

Mandi E. April 4, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Helicopter Parents.

You fuckers have spent your crotch spawn’s entire lifespan doing everything for him and perfectly planning out his life so that he only gets the best of everything. Now he’s about to leave for college and you’re sending an insufferable, entitled little cooch dangler into the world with no problem solving skills, no respect for others, and no idea of how to behave like a rational adult.

There’s a reason that certain animals eat their children. I’m just sayin’ – yours might be pretty tasty with some barbeque sauce or a nice balsamic vinaigrette.
Mandi E. recently posted..How do I sleep at night? I don’t. I use The Force to heal.

Jen April 5, 2012 at 3:42 am

Yes. What a perfect description of the majority of today’s youth. I may have to print this and frame it. Or hand out business cards or something.

Jen April 5, 2012 at 11:23 am

That’s why I neglect my children. It teaches them self-reliance.
Jen recently posted..An Open Letter To PFD Firehouse #9

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:42 pm

IT IS NOT A PRIZE TO DO EVERYTHING FOR YOUR CHILD. That shit drives me NUTS. You’re disabling them so severely that they will not be able to function without you and that’s horrible. I knew a woman once whose 12 year old could not tie his own shoes.

NO OKAY.

Kelly April 4, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Can I just say…. I love you. Seriously.
Kelly recently posted..Why Don’t You Just Break My Heart While You’re At It?

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:43 pm

I love you right the fuck back.

JustJoan April 4, 2012 at 3:48 pm

I am a fairly laid back personality, like to laugh, so most of the BS i blow off cause I figure the world is just one big f’d up mess & most people in general suck…However, I have a friend that used a certain phrase one day that seems to have become my mantra…while bartending on what should be a quiet sunday afternoon I really, really, wanted to hurt not 1, not 2, but 3 rude ass customers…..so to coin my pal Pearl….I was feeling very “Stabbity”…..they are exceptionally lucky I was not armed……& I WILL say thank you to anyone of the few who do have that rare trait called manners & “Please”…I doubt any of those A$$Holes remember that long ago word either……

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:43 pm

No one says please anymore. It’s no longer a thing.

Jake April 4, 2012 at 6:09 pm

-for stopping at the top of the god damn escalator to decide which store you want to go into first.

-for clipping your fingernails on the bus like it’s your bathroom.

-for letting your kids run wild in a big box store, making me pull an oblique trying to halt 4 1/2 tons off shit I don’t need piled on my cart, because your little shit wants ‘another’ free bagel bite….oh, and going to a big box store on Sunday for a ‘brunch’ of whatever food they’re giving away for free.

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:45 pm

UGGHGHHHH. Step away from the path of traffic. That baffles me. Same thing with putting your wallet back together after checkout, or sorting food after the drive through. OTHER PEOPLE EXIST.

Jessica April 4, 2012 at 6:11 pm

I’d like to add putting your bag/stuff in the seat next to you on the bus so no one can sit there and sitting with your legs spread wide on the bus, thus making the person next to you have no room at all. Fellas? Your dick is not so big you have to sit like that, but maybe buy a less tight pair of pants.

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:47 pm

I once had a woman say that as a taxpayer, she was entitled to the extra bus seat for her bag.

Because her bag pays taxes and I do not.

Andi Davies April 4, 2012 at 6:42 pm

I was on a bus with a Huge Balls Leg Spreader, who sat down next to me and proceeded to spread his nice suit-clad legs until the right one was ALL the way over in my space. So I turned in my seat and put both of my legs over his, feet hanging down in his crotch. And continued reading my book. When he looked at me with astonishment I told him, “We might as well both be comfortable.” He got up and moved away. I guess I bothered him.
Andi Davies recently posted..Sci Fi Monday — The Hunger Games Movie

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:48 pm

Wide-Stancing threatens to end my marriage every other month. Adrian stands normally with his feet more than shoulder width apart. I trip over him constantly.

STOP IT, MAN.

Casey April 4, 2012 at 10:34 pm

Dearest Dangerballs,

You are 100% spot-on with all of your Letters to Insufferable Members of Society, but this one by far is the one I relate most to. I will be the first to tell you that I have a fuckload of pet peeves, and very near to the top of that list (if not the winner) is Human Islands. There are countless times a day when I come thiiiiis close to snapping as a direct result of other peoples’ inconsideration for others. More often than not, DRIVING. I don’t know if you have hear of Baton Rouge traffic, but let me just tell you it is NOT THE TITS. I catch myself screaming murderously at these fucktards: “I guess this is just YOUR world, motherfucker…and we’re all just LIVING IN IT?!?”

Thanks for making me feel less stabby about the general twatwafflery of the Public.

-Case-O-Balls Tompley

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:49 pm

I learned that I will have a heart attack if I keep yelling at people while driving, so I’ve started lecturing them quietly. Much scarier.

Amelia April 4, 2012 at 10:38 pm

As I work in retail, I am not allowed to be snotty to the asshats I daily encounter.

I do have another weapon in my arsenal: Perkiness.

Talking on a cell phone at the register? I will stand, patiently smiling and do absolutely nothing. When they ask if they’re done, I give a wide-eyed, completely innocent smile and just let them know that I’d be so glad to wait while they finish their important phone call.

Letting children run amok in the store, trying on hundred dollar sunglasses? A tinkling laugh and a comment that their daughters have such great taste, since they’ve chosen the most expensive glasses in the store!

They suspect that I’m being sarcastic, but it’s really hard to yell at someone for being too nice.

Plausible deniability. It’s not just for politicians anymore.

Jillian @ Brilliant Title April 5, 2012 at 12:10 am

I work in retail too, and two weeks ago we had a customer who was leaving things all over the place. She would grab a candle from one side of the store, walk over to pillows, set the candle down to grab a pillow, then walk away from the candle just to go set the pillow down as she looked at flowers. My supervisor ended up following her around the store and picking up every single thing she left behind, then carrying them all up to the register when she was ready to pay.

“I found all of these for you! Wouldn’t want you to forget anything that you loved so much!”
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..Speed Blogging

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:51 pm

You are so goddamn sly.

Well done, ma’am. Well done.

Jake April 5, 2012 at 12:47 am

In ancient Athens, it was called the ostrakon, and it meant that your ass had to leave town, and we got ten whole years without you:

-putting your fucking trash bins in front of my house every week because you have FOUR FUCKING VEHICLES between the only two people in your house over the age of six, and you have to park two of them in the street where you’re supposed to put your trash.

-screaming your reference questions at me on the quiet floor of my library when I’m whispering and everyone else on the whole fucking floor is rageglaring at you.

-remaking one. more. GODDAMN movie in 3-D. i can tell which objects are in the foreground without your hipster-ass glasses, thankyouverymuch.
Jake recently posted..If you say "online resources" again, I will punch you in the throat.

Monica April 5, 2012 at 10:00 am

The car thing gets to me, too. My parents’ neighbors had four cars for a family of four, and they refused to park them in the driveway because they didn’t want to stain the new finish. So my dad, who had bad arthritis in his knees as he got older, had to park all the way down the block. Made me kind of glad when Dad, who years later had Alzheimer’s, snuck out of the house, started up the car and rammed one of their cars trying to get out of his spot.
Monica recently posted..“Something from the state of California” lies to Rick Santorum, and Santorum pays it forward

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:52 pm

I have never gotten a more expensive headache than a 3D movie. Why does it keep happening?

Carrie April 5, 2012 at 10:31 am

My neighbors, who last week hired two men (that I assume were on some kind of work release from prison because my rapedar was at a 10) to install new wood floors and allowed them to run power tools in the front yard of their house until 11:45pm on a Wednesday night. It’s cool, not like I need to be up at 5:30 am to go to work or anything. I wish they would move to an actual Island. Is Mordor an island?? I might suggest it next time I talk to them…

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:55 pm

Midnight is a legit time to work on a house. I know that’s when my carpentry skills are at a perfect 10.

Jen April 5, 2012 at 11:25 am

They need to hire those motherfucking 80-year-old mall walkers as the defensive line for the Baltimore Ravens. No one is getting past those wily bastards.
Jen recently posted..An Open Letter To PFD Firehouse #9

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:57 pm

Amazing. That is the most brilliant idea since the flashlight.

NATurally Inappropriate April 5, 2012 at 3:33 pm

So, I totally didn’t know that “yellphoning” was a word- but I find it fucking fabulous.

The fact that ANYONE would allow their child to ruin your experience at On the Border is BEYOND the pale. Don’t they know the worlds best salsa and queso are made there. I woulda fucking beaned that kid in the eyeball with my chip.

You will be glad to know it WAS NOT ME who was eating corn on the cob. I have to cut my shit off the cob…so it’s impossible that and drive.
NATurally Inappropriate recently posted..Screw you, job…and WTF Wednesday

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:59 pm

That mom glared fucking daggers at me for doing that. No ma’am, teach your kid not to be an asshole, and I will not be an asshole in return.

Easnadh April 5, 2012 at 5:24 pm

I’m pretty sure you’re forgetting about TEXT-WALKERS. Oh. My. God. Those people piss me off so bad. The way they ooh soo slooowlyyy amble along staring at their tiny screen. Not only do they slowly amble, but they MEANDER so that if you try to pass them up, they meanderamble in the direction you are going, so that you can’t get around them. They are the first people I thought of when I read “Human Islands.” Loathing fills my heart. I need a brownie now.

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:59 pm

It’s illegal in NJ now! NJ finally gets something right!

Eleanor April 5, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Here, here.

I would like to add Driving Human Islands to that list.

Being a pedestrian is getting to be pretty dangerous because of these people. Every time I venture out of my house I encounter at least one of them. One lovely lady held up her hand to tell me to stop, even though SHE had a red light and I had the little walky person. I have taken to tapping the hood of their cars and pointing to the fucking walk sign. Or better yet, if they only have a stop sign, some of them don’t even slow down and look for you. That was fun when I was on crutches.
Eleanor recently posted..Now I just need a mini Doctor……

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:01 am

Thanks for at least crossing in the cross walk. I know too many people who don’t know if they get hit outside of a crosswalk, the driver is not at fault.

Laura April 6, 2012 at 1:30 am

A lot of these people seem to hang out in parking lots…

- For stopping in the center of an aisle in the parking lot so that no one can drive past you while you wait for someone to come out of the store and drive off.
- For stopping directly behind my parked car, preventing me from pulling out, while you wait for a slightly more desirable space.
- For letting your kids zigzag randomly through the parking lot because hey, it’s not like they’re out in the street, right?
Laura recently posted..Self-Referential Sunday: My New Posting Schedule

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:02 am

You smack those people.

That’s how you fix them. You smack them in the face while they wait.

Dave in Sherman April 6, 2012 at 9:09 pm

Hey folks,
Nothing personal, but I think all of you are putting up with too much random shit from the assholes of the world. A little of the problem is that most people are too nice and put up with a higher level of shit than we use to. I had an asshole try to push into a door I was holding open for an old couple (obviously they weren’t moving fast enough to suit her) and I shut the door on her and told her to back off. I am kind of a big guy and pretty friendly, but I have perfected the “I have no problem going back to prison” look that usually trips the survival instincts of these shitheads.
So here is my suggestion: A class “B” misdemeanor assault charge bond in Texas is usually $10,000, $1000 cash.
Tuck ten Benjamins in your pocket and get your game face on.
I’ll guarantee you the assholes notice.
Dave
Dave in Sherman recently posted..Week 10 Discussion Board

Jen April 6, 2012 at 9:13 pm

Fine. Call me a whore, Noa, I don’t care. My Republican heart is so turned on right now you have NO idea. Oh, Dave. . .the “Natural Born Killers” shenanigans we could get into if ever we met. ((swoon))
Jen recently posted..Foodie Friday: "Happy Happy Joy Joy!"

Dave in Sherman April 8, 2012 at 5:42 am

I’ll bring the ammo.
Dave
Dave in Sherman recently posted..Week 10 Discussion Board

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:04 am

Oh Texas–everything is okay in Texas.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress April 17, 2012 at 11:42 am

I LMAO’ed at the Linkedin request….I mean, for serious, if I get one more of those fucking reminders in my inbox….I’m gonna be a bitter pissed off person.

Oh wait.
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..Monday Dare: Are you a runner? And not the kind on a treadmill.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:05 am

I know. We’re not bitter assholes, are we?

Wait.

V April 18, 2012 at 11:42 am

I was waiting in line for tickets at an outdoor concert. A young child was with the people behind us in line, and he was taking drinks from his sippy cup and spitting on the ground. He kept getting closer to me. His “mom” ignored my dagger eyes and my attempts to get away. That kid spit his drink on my leg and I turned around and yelled at him–if you spit on or near me one more time I will…. “Mom” is suddenly pissed off that I’m yelling at her kid. Really? I have your kid’s fucking spittle on my leg and you have not taken any action. Great job; you’re lucky I didn’t pour my entire bottle of water on him, or walk away with him and leave him in the bathroom to fend for himself.

My poor husband didn’t even see it coming. He’s always trying to prevent me from reacting to people’s stupidity. I don’t really understand why. How will these people correct their stupid ways if I don’t tell them what asshats they are? He’s going to be so excited when I start telling people that they are annoying me with their yellphoning. Thank you for that.

PS. I’m in love with Dave and Andi. My heroes. I can already see my husband shaking his head in despair….
V recently posted..I’m *that* bitch. The bitch that brings wine.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:07 am

If I found out someone was yelling at my kid for being an asshole, I would encourage them to continue.

Everyone is an asshole these days.

Epiphany Renee April 30, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Fuck you, you blissful ignorant bastard for strolling at an achingly slow pace down the middle of the only hallway when the LINE of people behind you need to get back to work in 2 min. Yeah, don’t worry asshole, nobody else has things to do, we’re just all here to soak in your beautiful presence.
Epiphany Renee recently posted..Really, what can I say?

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:08 am

AGREED, MOTHERFUCKER!

Well done.

{ 1 trackback }

Previous post:

Next post: