Lessons Not Learned From Negative Feedback

04/18/2012 · 77 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person,Psychological Warfare,Social Services

Noa to Alicia: So this girl on her phone in Target today kept saying, “so gay,” after literally everything she said. “These pants are so gay, this bag is so gay, these bangles are so gay.” Aside from being an incredibly terrible person, she was so goddamn annoying! “So gay so gay so gay. Everything is so fucking gay and I hate it.

Elevator doors open to reveal two men holding hands, glaring the hatred of so many queens into me. 

Alicia: Nice one.

Adrian: I heard about that town! There’s apparently no running water or electricity. They’re like, mud huts and shit. That sounds like a perfect Hell to me.
Both River Guides: We both live there.
Adrian: …it must be so nice and quiet!

Friend of Friend: I have always loved the name Colby!
Noa: Oh man, not me! I dated a Colby once. He had a weird penis.
Friend of Friend: Colby is my son’s name.
Noa: I’m sure it’s…not the same guy. Heh, you know what I think is strange? Adjectives for baby names.
Friend of Friend: My daughter’s name is Stormy.
Noa: I’m sure it…fits her well. Not in that she’s weird. Or Stormy. Well, I guess she is, technically. But not in a bad way. SHEESH. Did you guys hear about that wreck on I-25?
Friend of Friend: Yeah, my sister was in that wreck. She broke her leg.
Noa: Well, this has just been fucking horrible.

Noa On The Phone With Grace: So my phone changed Jon Benet Ramsey to Jon Benet Ramjet the other day, and I laughed so hard I almost shit my pants.
Woman Near Me In Grocery Store: That’s incredibly offensive. My niece was murdered.
Noa On The Phone With Grace: Every. Fucking. Time. Why don’t I just shut up?

Noa to Adrian: The management shoved a flier in my door for Earth Day. Seriously, what a spectacular way to promote the Earth. HEY GUYS,  WE LOVE THE PLANET, SO WE’RE GONNA RUIN A SHITLOAD OF TREES AND ALSO PRINT ON IT IN COMIC SANS!

We round the corner, and there stands the building manager, who has clearly heard me.

Adrian: You can’t just shut your damn mouth, can you?

Ever said something really fucking stupid that you wished you could take back?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Jana (goddamn this was a ballsy admission): “Well, I can’t believe that I am actually going to write this down. So, my Prom consisted of me giving a road hummer to my boyfriend at the time while on a major freeway. As I did this thing of “love” apparently, I was the #1 guest star on many truckers CB radio’s. I did wonder at the time, while we seemed to be surrounded by tall trucks while barrelling 75 mph down the freeway. As it would turn out, my act caught the attention of several CHP’s (they overhead all of the CB traffic) and we got pulled over. So there I stood, on the side of the road, in my prom dress, getting a lecture about how would my parents feel if they had to be told that I died with a dick in my mouth. Not my fondest memory of prom.”

{ 76 comments }

Abby April 18, 2012 at 6:23 am

What you need to do is pass out business cards with the url to your post about people getting effing offended over reality. Good lord. Especially that “friend of a friend” that named their kids after cheese and weather-related adjectives. With a name like “Stormy,” you know she’s going to end up being a dancer for dudes named Colby with weird penises or living in a mud hut or shit.

Sorry if anyone named “Stormy” is reading this. No, no I’m not.
Abby recently posted..Big Hairy Deal

Misty April 18, 2012 at 10:22 am

My name’s Misty. Close enough. And I happily accept any insults thrown my name’s way. It is stupid and also a stripper name. My parents are morons.
Misty recently posted..Tag! You’re It.

Jen April 18, 2012 at 1:32 pm

You know you’re secretly a whore, Misty. Just embrace that shit.
Jen recently posted..The Passive-Aggressive Magic 8-Ball

Mandi E. April 18, 2012 at 2:47 pm

My name is Mandi. Not Amanda – Mandi. I am also a closet stripper.
Mandi E. recently posted..Happy Birthday! Have Some Untimely Death by Moped.

Bill G. April 18, 2012 at 9:09 pm

Statistically, girls named Brandy and Chrystal don’t have a real bright future, either. (Now it’s my turn to get thumped by a Brandy or Chrystal that has a Ph.D.)

Jana April 19, 2012 at 12:47 pm

I met a girl the other day in the city and her name was Fo’suhr. I know this because I thought she kept saying for sure…and I was like…what the fuck is your name. Then she spelled it and I walked away laughing. I was banned from naming our daughter Savannah, because Hubby said that is a strippers name.
Jana recently posted..Questions…..I’ve got ‘em!

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:38 am

I feel like people MUST know that they’re naming their children stupid names. Right? You HAVE to know it’s not going to work out well.

Amy April 18, 2012 at 6:24 am

I do this all the time, but the worst – the one I STILL cringe about – was at a family birthday party, when I was talking about how bad work was, and I said, “Sometimes I don’t know whether to cry, or go hang myself in the handicapped bathroom stall” and realized the family member I was talking to had a son who’d committed suicide a few years ago by HANGING HIMSELF. There’s no way to back out of that one. None. I just went to the open bar and was like, “Booze me up, bartender. Booze me up.”
Amy recently posted..They couldn’t rock-paper-scissors for the damn award? CHILDREN know how to do that, come ON.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 1:13 am

Oh God.

Hugs. Hugs so much.

Mayor Gia April 18, 2012 at 6:35 am

Ha! That whole “EVERYONE WHO DOES THIS IS AN ASSHOLE” “*I* do that” “Well, uh, oh…” pattern is alllll too familiar to me.

Also, that comment from the last post is freaking priceless. “Here lies Jana. She died with a dick in her mouth.”
Mayor Gia recently posted..Movie Review: Young Adult

Bill G. April 18, 2012 at 9:16 pm

It reminds me of the pony comment on Seinfeld. Jerry makes a comment at a family dinner that he hates anybody who had a pony as a kid. Of course, some 75 year old aunt pipes up, “In Poland, I had a pony growing up!” Nothing to do but put your head down and go get a stiff drink.

Jana April 19, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Holy FUCK…I just snarfed diet dr. pepper all over my computer screen! My mom would so be screaming….JAAANNNAA…you did NOT! Then I would have to tell her the story about prom. (Um, no.)
Jana recently posted..Questions…..I’ve got ‘em!

Noa May 17, 2012 at 1:18 am

I love that shit. “I hate blue.” “I love blue.” “WELL FUCK ME, RIGHT?”

Hoody Hoo April 18, 2012 at 6:58 am

Have I ever said anything fucking stupid? Oh HAYULL to the yes. Do I wish I could take it back? Nah, if ya can’t serve as a good example, at least serve as a horrible warning!
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 1:18 am

Sound advice, my friend.

The Six-Fingered Monkey April 18, 2012 at 7:09 am

This is EXACTLY why I don’t talk… to anyone.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 1:19 am

I don’t know why I keep doing so.

K April 18, 2012 at 7:50 am

Yes. All the time. Which is why I rarely leave the house.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 1:19 am

I should be a hermit.

Kate April 18, 2012 at 8:15 am

Yep…Every time we go to visit my ex-Mormon Hubby’s family. I always slip up and and say some sort of expletive, or say, “Oh MY GOD, I know!!” like a total jackass, and then see Hubbs doing the facepalm. Then I get “the look”, the pitying “we know you are a godless heathen and will roast in hell, and we have no idea why our son married you, but we put up with you anyways”. *sigh*
Kate recently posted..Because I’m your stepmom, that’s why….

Noa May 17, 2012 at 1:23 am

I make fun of Jesus wayyyyy more than I should. I forget I live in the South sometimes.

Jillian @ Brilliant Title April 18, 2012 at 8:25 am

I think I might have yelled to an entire party that my friend was bi and that’s why she was smacking me on the ass, but to tell you the truth, that night is a little fuzzy.
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 1:27 am

That’s why I don’t invite you anymore.

Mandy April 18, 2012 at 8:30 am

When I was younger I told Daddy all I wanted to be when I grew up was RICH.

Rich, Rich, RICH.

So LITERALLY from age 5, he asked me “Well… can you lie? (Sure, Daddy.) Can you cheat? (Yes, Daddy) Can you steal? (Heck yeah, Daddy!) Well then you can be a Jewish lawyer!” “Really!?!?” I said? “Absolutely! They lie, cheat and steal and make a TON of money.”

I shit you not, my life’s goal was to be a Jewish lawyer.

This was never a problem until one day, when I was about 12, my mom and I were at the college bookstore (She was going back to school. It’s also worth noting that Daddy was Head of the IT department at the same college.) Being as how everyone knew who I was, the lady in the bookstore asked “So, Mandy, what do you want to be when you grow up?” I proudly said “I’m gonna be a Jewish Lawyer!” I heard Mom’s sudden intake of breath but, not knowing any better, barreled right along and said “My Daddy told me if I could lie, cheat and steal, I could be a Jewish Lawyer!”

Pretty sure Mama and Daddy had words over that one.

And, at the ripe old age of 12, my life’s goals were shattered when I realized that A- one had to be JEWISH to be a Jewish lawyer and B- I had lived half my life with the goal of being a racial slur.

Awesome. Thanks, Daddy.

PS: Daddy laughed pretty hard despite Mom’s award winning stank eye. Daddy never did learn.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 1:28 am

Your daddy is the best fucking dad ever. Awesome.

tova April 18, 2012 at 9:18 am

You deserve to hear bad things if you make fliers in Comic Sans!
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 1:30 am

AGREED

Sarah April 18, 2012 at 9:39 am

Yes. Every. Damn. Week.
Sometimes I consider being a voluntary mute. But if I were to say that out loud, I would find that someone’s brother, aunt, mother, daughter was a mute. Perhaps a selective mute, from having watched their beloved parent be murdered in the middle of the night. Or some other unrecoverable conversation ender like that.
So, I guess I’ll just keep going around offending everyone within earshot!
Sarah recently posted..Compared to Love, I’m Feeling Pretty Good Right Now

Noa May 17, 2012 at 1:35 am

Just keep on offending everyone. It’s more fun that way.

leigh April 18, 2012 at 10:12 am

hilarious. if i hadn’t been reading your blog for a while… i might have thought you were making all this up! :)
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 1:40 am

My life is weird enough that a lot of people don’t believe it!

Misty April 18, 2012 at 10:27 am

I’ve done this. But I have apparently put a complete mental lockdown block on the incidents, because I cannot remember any details. So I guess the moral of the story is just have a really bad memory and it’s all good!

Maybe you should just text your comments to people while you are with them. Or stop talking. Loudly.
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 1:41 am

I recently started that. My texts to my sister would kill a nun.

Jaime April 18, 2012 at 11:42 am

every damn day…. I think we have the same brain-filter disease… in that, we don’t have one.
Jaime recently posted..how to fake being productive

Noa May 17, 2012 at 1:42 am

So few of us have a filter. And that’s why the world is awesome sometimes.

Giggle, Laugh, Cry April 18, 2012 at 12:03 pm

I decided not to every have a conversation in person….whenever humanly possible. *giggle*

Giggle, Laugh, Cry
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 1:43 am

I found a career in offending people. It’s a nice explanation why I’m a dick.

ColinP April 18, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Oh do I have a good one. In my last year of college I was involved in a very intense 2 semester minor/project. Fifteen students and a few teachers were involved in the program and we all took the courses together and similar to trench warfare you either became really close with your fellow students or hated them violently.

One of the women in the program vanished for a few weeks without a word and when she returned I invited her out for some lunch to catch up. After retrieving our food and snagging a table near the window and after a few minutes of polite chit-chat I jokingly stated “So, who died?”

Well the expression on her face dropped like a rock and I started to stammer “Holy shit… did someone actually die?” and she started to tell me the story. She disappeared because her mother was struck and killed by a drunk driver while crossing a street. After stammering a series of apologies for not knowing, she eventually forgave me.
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Bill G. April 18, 2012 at 9:29 pm

When I was in college circa 1996, a guy at work said some small-dick joke to me. I said, “That’s what your mother said just as I was leaving your house, but she still gave me a good ride on the ole tilt-a-whirl.” He put his head down and walked away looking like I just kicked him in the gut. Oh shit, what did I just do? A co-worker came up to me and explained that his mother had just recently died after having a rough bout with a fatal disease. It was about 30 minutes before the end of my shift. I went and had a few stiff drinks after that, and I’m sure it’s nothing compared to how he felt.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:11 am

I have been fortunate to not have done this.

Yet.

Yet.

Dana the Biped April 18, 2012 at 1:02 pm

You know how when people are sick, they look really, really, really awful? I have a bad habit of not keeping that information from them.

Also, I was at a wedding a few weeks ago, and I told the bartender (not as quietly as I thought), and his zipper was open. I got a few stares from that, but at least it was because I rectified the situation rather than not being able to stop staring at this guy’s crotch. Why are zippers always so shiny?!
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Andi Davies April 18, 2012 at 1:27 pm

I’m constantly telling guys they’re “flying low” and they look at me in confusion. Really, dudes, it’s your own terminology. LEARN THE BRO CODE.

Also, I don’t mean anything sexual about it. It’s a grooming thing. I do it to my kids. I also pick lint off people.
Andi Davies recently posted..“Muffy, you killed him!” Or, the Bloody Garden Party Dress

Mandi E. April 18, 2012 at 3:00 pm

My personal favorite is “You left the door to the tree house open and there’s no longer any mystery about what your Hardy Boys look like.”

I’ve never had any confusion over that one, but one guy did get a little too hasty with the zipper and gave himself a second circumcision.
Mandi E. recently posted..Happy Birthday! Have Some Untimely Death by Moped.

Bill G. April 18, 2012 at 9:32 pm

About two weeks ago, I asked my brother-in-law, “Hey, do you have a license to sell hotdogs?” My wife spit out a mouthful of diet coke on his floor laughing.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:13 am

I would so much rather someone tell me if my pants are open or my skirt is jacked than leave me hanging. Who wants that humiliation?!

Andi Davies April 18, 2012 at 1:31 pm

I have a tendency to complain about my weight and manage to insult both everybody who is thinner than me and everybody who is heavier than me. I’m choosing to see this as a talent.

In reality, I don’t have a problem with anyone’s pant size except my own. I’m as self-centered as a gyroscope when it comes to appearance.
Andi Davies recently posted..“Muffy, you killed him!” Or, the Bloody Garden Party Dress

Bill G. April 18, 2012 at 9:43 pm

I’ve gotten pissy with people who have said in front of me, “I’m glad I’m not fat!” Or they’re thin as a rail and say, “I’m getting fat,” while standing 2 feet away from my chunky ass in direct line of sight. I’ve said to people “Mother-fuck, you’re really going to stand there and say that right in front of me? You wanna come over to my house and kick my dog, too?” And for those that act completely baffled, I’ve also followed up with, “Do you go to the same parties as the football players and crack black jokes?”

Andi Davies April 19, 2012 at 1:49 pm

On behalf of us assholes everywhere, I’m truly sorry.
Andi Davies recently posted..“Muffy, you killed him!” Or, the Bloody Garden Party Dress

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:15 am

You just described my soul to me.

Jen April 18, 2012 at 1:39 pm

ALEX: This guy at work made some Jewish joke and I was like, “Umm, I’m Jewish, Anne Frank-ly those jokes are outside of Mein Kampf-ort zone”.
ME: I bet he did Nazi that one coming.
ALEX: We’re both going to hell.

Cue sound of Alex and myself laughing like coked-up whores, then turning to discover Hasidic Jew standing behind us staring disapprovingly. Aaaaannnnd. . .scene.
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Britt April 19, 2012 at 11:55 am

For the love of all things kosher, that’s fucking brilliant.
Britt recently posted..It’s 4am, I’m Probably Drunk on Your Porch.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:15 am

I love this more than words can possibly say.

Mandy April 18, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Jen- it’s my turn to honor you with the (((s-l-o-w c-l-a-p)))

Epic.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:21 am

She’s got quite the tales of life, that one.

Mandi E. April 18, 2012 at 3:03 pm

I was trying to explain the itinerary for our upcoming weekend getaway to my husband and for some reason he was getting it mixed up with another trip I’m taking in July. So I was all, “WTF are you smoking?” And he was like, “Nevermind, I’m confused.”
“You spend a lot of time in that state, don’t you?”
“Only because you drive me there and leave me on its doorstep like a bewildered orphan.”
Mandi E. recently posted..Happy Birthday! Have Some Untimely Death by Moped.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:23 am

I HAD THAT VERY CONVERSATION THIS MORNING.

I was naked and yelling at him about airfare. LOVE!

Rollergiraffe April 18, 2012 at 4:51 pm

I was dating a guy who had a very tight knit group of friends who were all Jewish. One had an unusual name and we were discussing the origins of it, and it turned out that his family came from the same region of Russia as mine did three generations prior. I regaled him with tales of my family history, that my great grandfather was a cossack in the Russian army and had immigration papers signed by the tsar. I went on and on and on like an asshole.

Then my new friends informed me of the history that I didn’t learn in my whitebread catholic school; that the cossacks had persecuted the Jews in Russia and were the reason that my friend’s ancestors left Russia. So I was sitting there being proud of being an oppressor.
Rollergiraffe recently posted..In defense of kids on airplanes

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:23 am

Oh my God.

Wow. Winner.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd April 18, 2012 at 4:59 pm

I’m very bad at surprises. Lying doesn’t come naturally to me, particularly “fact lies” where you have to keep things straight. A couple of months ago we met a friend on her birthday, a whole set up her boyfriend worked really hard on. We were going to go on a walk and then at the end of the walk some other friends were going to surprise her with a picnic lunch. We were talking about something and my friend said to me, “what did Janet think about that?” and I said “you can ask her when she gets here.” Doh.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:24 am

Slowclapping, my friend. That is magnificent.

Jackie G April 18, 2012 at 8:12 pm

I’m in nursing school, and I’m pretty sure part of our training is to do something and make ourselves sound like complete dicks/the worst nurses that ever existed.

Our first clinical rotation was in geriatrics at a nursing home (also known as mothball smelling hell on earth) and there was another student that I didn’t know very well from our class pulling meds to give to her patient. She was drawing insulin into a syringe and was able to do it on the first try without getting any bubbles. I said, “Wow Liz you did such a good job, you must have been a diabetic in your past life or something.” Of course she came back with, “I am a diabetic.” Oh okay. My teacher came back with, “Jackie would you like me to remove the foot from your mouth?” NO I AM COMFY LIKE THIS.

Today I was in pre-op preparing patients for surgery, and after I gave this old Navy vet an IV, I had to shave his pubic region since that’s where his surgery was. I am trying to make touching this old man’s twig and berries as normal and not-awkward as possible, and so we were making small talk. He asked if I drank and I was telling him how nursing school has made me a functional alcoholic, and asked if he had a flask with him. He’s a recovering alcoholic.

Needless to say the rest of his ball fro shave was in silence.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:26 am

And just when I thought that ball shaving couldn’t be worse.

Alyssa Queen April 18, 2012 at 10:08 pm

All I can say is… PURE AWESOME.
and
hahahahahahaha.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:27 am

Yeah. I am magic.

CoreyFerns April 19, 2012 at 6:53 am

I’ve done it too many times…way too many times..

It’s like God in all her wisdom set out to screw me and not in the fun way…like all women. Every time I say something there’s always that certain person present that it will offend…..I swear I don’t do it intentionally.

Oh wait…

I did it again…shit.
CoreyFerns recently posted..Sunday, 8th November 2009

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:28 am

Every single day full of offensiveness! IT’S THE ONLY WAY!

Britt April 19, 2012 at 11:52 am

You know when you accidentally text the person you’re gossiping about because you have some sort of astronomical brain fart that keeps you from realizing that you just texted Suzie to tell Suzie what a fucking slut Suzie is? That’s my life. On the regular.

Jillian @ Brilliant Title April 19, 2012 at 1:36 pm

My best friend has had that happen several times, except the texts are actually about inappropriate dreams she’s had about people. She meant to text me, but “somehow” the recipient got changed…
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Britt April 19, 2012 at 4:43 pm

I’m not going to lie… I want your best friend to have filthy dreams about me and text me about them.
Britt recently posted..It’s 4am, I’m Probably Drunk on Your Porch.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:29 am

I know nothing about that. At all.

Also, I have some texts to delete.

Britt April 19, 2012 at 11:53 am

Also: Suzie is totally a fucking slut.
Britt recently posted..It’s 4am, I’m Probably Drunk on Your Porch.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:30 am

Of course.

Gretchen April 19, 2012 at 7:59 pm

I worked at a country club (ew, it sucked) in college, and there were two adjoining break rooms. In one, I was yammering on about how annoying “Joe’s” car was: it was obnoxious and no one was impressed by its stupid loud exhaust, it was lame and he needed a life.

A few minutes later Joe strolled out of the adjoining break room.
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:31 am

I do that ALL THE TIME.

You think we’d learn to just shut our fucking mouths.

Dave in Sherman April 19, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Not so many awkward comments about someone to offend then. My problem is that I use to be a cop and I worked with a lot of shit-bags. <——— A Technical term——- Working with these paragons of human nature and speaking fluient assholeeze, my language is atrocious. I have two masters and teach at several colleges and I have to be extremly carefull and I STILL drop an ocaisional "Fuck" in polite company. Man it is a curse!
Dave
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 2:32 am

I have no filter. If you ever see my sister and I in public, I will have bruises all over my arms from her hitting me.

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