I Don’t Think It Means What You Think It Means

04/11/2012 · 68 comments

in Psychological Warfare, What Is Wrong With You?

Everyone just needs to calm the serious fuck down.

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Monica: “Fuck canoeing up its stupid canoe arse with a canoe paddle. Never again. Row row row your boat into a mess of weeds and never be heard from again. That was MY canoe experience.” 
nadine April 11, 2012 at 5:51 am

I’m so curious what you’re doing on pinterest that there is so much anomisity and shitty comments happening. PINTEREST IS A HAPPY PLACE. I don’t get that dramas around.
nadine recently posted..No Knife Fights At Work

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:23 am

I look for it now–it’s a super fun game. Look for pins about Jesus, the Bible, weight loss or fitness, autism, dolphins, and drugs/alcohol.


Heather Heartless April 11, 2012 at 5:51 am

I forgot that reading “Satanic Verses” made me sacrifice all of those goats, virgins, and small children. That’s why my stepdad took it away from me. Let’s completely forget to flip open the cover to read the synopsis and jump straight into why you were in my closet and how I’m going to hell.

Oh, Obama reads, you say? “Post American World”, you say? That mother fucker is straight up planning to nuke us with liberalism. And the bombs. Because it was written by a Muslim and is being read by a declared Muslim. Which only I heard him say. In my mind. Which he controls.

Also, my uterus offends me. So does my vagina. I’d like you to control all of my personal medical and sexual needs from now on. I just can’t stop my vagina from being a murderous whore. I need you to fix that. And to pay me less. To cut back on the sex and murder and mayhem it commits.
Heather Heartless recently posted..I Can’t Feel My Face

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:26 am

Also, my uterus offends me. So does my vagina. I’d like you to control all of my personal medical and sexual needs from now on. I just can’t stop my vagina from being a murderous whore. I need you to fix that. And to pay me less. To cut back on the sex and murder and mayhem it commits.

Isn’t it funny how that’s not socialism, but Obamacare is?

nadine April 11, 2012 at 5:53 am

also, what (if anything) actually offends you?

Personally, I don’t know if it is “offensive” or just something that is a pet peeve/gross-out-factory, but I am offended by people in public service jobs with ear guages, facial piercings and ridiculously long fingernails.
nadine recently posted..No Knife Fights At Work

Jaclyn April 11, 2012 at 9:28 pm

says the woman who got mad at her boyfriend for refusing to pop her back zits.
Jaclyn recently posted..I’m Going to Whine About Being Tired. You’re Welcome.

Heather Heartless April 12, 2012 at 6:02 am

At one point I had small gauged ear rings, I guess technically I still do with a 12 in two of them and a nose ring. I never went with the whole infant sized ear holes because that shit will NOT grow back. I tapped out somewhere around eraser sized rings. And I worked in a farm store. No one seemed to notice…

Can you imagine what these people are going to look like at 80? Your ears never stop growing too. I might have thrown up in my mouth just now.
Heather Heartless recently posted..I Can’t Feel My Face

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:29 am

I am offended by very very little, actually. I have a very hippie view where I feel that people have the right to their own choices and decisions, even if they are stupid ones.

That said, I am offended deeply when people feel they know what’s best for me, or for others, without all the facts and the knowledge. I am offended by people who think they’re the only ones who exist.

As much as I hate the world, I believe that there is still a lot of good left in it if we could all leave well enough alone.

Abby April 11, 2012 at 6:16 am

I’m more offended by the ignorance and ego of people who preach and have their head stuck up their ass than by anyone who can openly and respectfully express an opinion I don’t agree with. Guess what? Just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean you have to tell the whole damn world. Get over yourself. Get off the computer. And finally, STFU.
Abby recently posted..Rage Against the Machine

Bill G. April 11, 2012 at 10:16 pm

Living here in mormonville, I get offended by the hypocrisy of the majority of moes. It’s not the religion itself. If you want to worship God or shiny little rocks, I don’t give a shit. Have fun, build a temple to the sun god, what do I give a fuck? What gets me is how the moes will go completely batshit when anybody of a different religion comes around their neighborhood proselytizing, but those very same people have no problem showing up on my doorstep and telling me that my beliefs are fucking wrong.

When the Catholics come around, I invite them in for coffee. That really drives the neighbors nuts.

K April 12, 2012 at 1:14 pm

I’m a “moes” and could not agree more. Of course I don’t live in the holy state of Utah, so maybe I should repent and move my unrightous ass out west.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:30 am



Have sex with me Abby.

I’m in love with you.

Mayor Gia April 11, 2012 at 6:37 am

Ha! This is a great how to…I’m assuming it’s part of bigger guide called “How To Be a Total Dick”
Mayor Gia recently posted..I’m Looking Forward to Living Alone

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:30 am

A book is in the works.

Hoody Hoo April 11, 2012 at 6:53 am

I’m offended by all of you. Even the ones who share no traits in common and whom I have never met, you all offend me. I am also offended by the fact that I can’t remember who/whom correctly, and that my face hurts from the dentist. All in all, everything offends me, we must ban it. And you. Don’t forget to ban yourself, you offensive shit.
Hoody Hoo recently posted..Mina Takes the “L” Out of “Polo”

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:31 am

Congratulations, you’re one of Adrian’s aunts.

Pish Posh April 11, 2012 at 7:50 am

I find this whole post offensive.

Just kidding it’s awesome. I hate it when people say things offend them. Get. The. Fuck. Over. It. Don’t read it if you don’t like it. Don’t pin it if you don’t like it.

You know what offends me? Stupid people.

And obviously I’ve been able to stop them. And pinterest people are insane. I love pinterest. But the people are insane.
Pish Posh recently posted..I is for Ipanema

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:32 am

Stupid people should offend everyone. Surprisingly, they don’t!

Misty April 11, 2012 at 8:24 am

You had to go and bring up the Green Sharpie, didn’t you? You know how much that offends me and how I have rallied so to wipe those evil suckers off the face of the earth. In fact, I believe you are breaking some sort of law by just mentioning said item. I will be filing suit and an injunction, Noa. You have been warned. You better have some damn good lawyers. The Offense Police should be knocking on your door to serve you with a writ any minute now. You damn offensive satanist.
Misty recently posted..The Best Medicine?

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:33 am


HeatherRose April 11, 2012 at 8:55 am

Holy crap! I understand Evangelicals now!
HeatherRose recently posted..I’m not going to tell you the full scenario, but I need your advice…

Kenny Boy April 11, 2012 at 10:06 am

Holy crap! I understand Republicans and Democrats and Athiests and Activists of all kinds now!

(What I did there, did you see it?)

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:39 am


That’s why I hate so much!

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:39 am


Jayne April 11, 2012 at 9:06 am

The older I get the less offended I get, but the more offensive I seem. Go figure.

injaynesworld April 12, 2012 at 4:42 pm

We Jaynes-with-a-“y” have this in common. I’m pretty damn hard to offend. I’m told it’s because I have a reference for the bizarre.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:41 am

That’s why 80 year old women are awesome.

leigh April 11, 2012 at 9:27 am

fuck that noise.

i have no idea why – but i love that phrase.

maybe you should start making posters…à la” keep calm and carry on”…

fuck that noise
ban that shit!
leigh recently posted..I is for intent…

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:42 am

I refuse, because those posters are so overdone.


Little known fact.

Andi Davies April 11, 2012 at 9:48 am

The only things that I find really offensive — as in, straight to Defcon 4 spitting outraged offensive — are racism and sexism. If it’s intentional racism/sexism, you might as well just rip your own arms off. It’ll save us both a lot of time.

Anything else? Pfft, I can’t be bothered. People who get offended by books or tv shows or whatever confuse me. Nobody is forcing you to consume media at gunpoint. Put it down and go do something holy, you’ll feel better and the rest of us will not be so annoyed with you.
Andi Davies recently posted..There Will Be Sewing

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:43 am

Agreed, my friend. So much wholeheartedly agreed.

Jaime April 11, 2012 at 9:57 am

Afuckingmen…… People get their panties in a wad over the smallest shit these days.
Jaime recently posted..insert maniacal laugh here

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:43 am

It doesn’t even have to be visible shit.

Stephanie April 11, 2012 at 9:57 am

I find myself offensive most of the time. :)
Stephanie recently posted..Mike’s Lessons on Dating: He Wants to Bang You

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:43 am

Hah! You and me both!

Monica April 11, 2012 at 9:59 am

I have to admit, I’m a fence-sitter on this whole thing. Way too many people are offended by too much bullshit. But then you have those people who are all, “I have the right to express myself however I please” while they’re burning a cross on their black neighbors’ lawn.
Monica recently posted..I’m doing this asshole thing all wrong

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:44 am

But then you have those people who are all, “I have the right to express myself however I please” while they’re burning a cross on their black neighbors’ lawn.

Free speech does have a line. Lots of people don’t know where the fuck it is. AGREED.

Jillian @ Brilliant Title April 11, 2012 at 10:26 am

Thank you for bringing up toasters. Toasters, as we all know, are just one part of Satan’s systematic takeover of our God given sustenance. (This was explained to me by a transient prophet who visited my alma mater every year. Ten guesses as to the last time he showered. The winner gets a jacuzzi in his or her apartment in Heaven.) Therefore, the toaster industry is infringing on my right to worship freely and should be burned to the ground. Arson doesn’t offend anyone, does it?
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..Quite the Slumber Party

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:46 am

They’re really just the worst.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd April 11, 2012 at 11:14 am

I’ve never been offended by a single thing, ever. And, frankly I’m tired of hearing about people who are offended by things. I shouldn’t have to hear about them and they should live on their own island so they don’t bother us non-offended people ever again.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:46 am

Start a petition, and I will be the first signature.

Jake April 11, 2012 at 12:26 pm

From my own Contact page:

If you do choose to write me hate mail, you are a horrible person with no soul, and you should be ashamed of yourself. Actually, you’re probably not, and I’d at least like to say that it doesn’t bother me that much, even if it does. I’ve never, to my knowledge, been an automatic writer, so if I’ve written something that has offended you, or you just find me incredibly unfunny, I probably wrote it on purpose. Maybe you should try not doing/being whatever it was that I was making fun of at the time, and then you won’t have to be offended. This Cliché-A-Day calendar that we used to have in our kitchen had a page that said “offense is always taken, never given.” Think about that. Then think about the fact that I probably didn’t come to your house or job or wherever you found me and make you read anything. You’re a big boy/girl, and you can make your own decisions. You probably could have been doing something you enjoyed during the time you spent composing your nasty letter to me. Unless you enjoy composing nasty letters to people, in which case I could send you some names and addresses.
Jake recently posted..Easter: You’re doing it wrong.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:48 am

People are too afraid to send me hate mail.

I love it.

Puna April 11, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Wait a minute here! I am deeply offended by this power point presentation that is not a power point presentation because it seems to be saying that people who get offended at things do so only because they aren’t smart enough to understand what’s being said. Oh, I see what you did there.
Puna recently posted..Was it Writing All Along?

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:50 am

Nailed it.

Eleanor April 11, 2012 at 1:16 pm

If all Powerpoint presentations were this awesome I wouldn’t fall asleep in meetings as much and wake up yelling “Ponies!” And maybe I’d be employed right now.
Eleanor recently posted..RL-RPG. Huh. I need to roll a 20 right now.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:51 am

You have some shitty bosses.

Angie Uncovered April 11, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Offense offends me. People who are offended offend me. Hearing about people’s ideas of what is offensive offends me. Frankly, pretty much everything offends me. Often it’s because I didn’t think of something first, when someone has more than me, when things aren’t about me, etc. O-fucking-ffensive.
Angie Uncovered recently posted..Never let them see you parent

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:55 am

People who are wittier than I offend me.

Dana the Biped April 11, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Fucking gravy boats. If I wanted everyone to see my lumps, I’d wear leggings instead of pants.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:56 am

Nicely done.

Jana April 11, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Fuck this post…I am offended!!! That is why I keep coming back time and time again to read all the shitty fucking stuff that you post. I am offended because you reel me in and make me laugh and wet my office chair. I think that the people in my office are offended by my braying laughter and spitting stuff everywhere where I read your offensive fucking blog. I am offended that I like you so much too!
Jana recently posted..Jewess Jeans…..you don’t have to be Jewish, but it wouldn’t hurt!

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:58 am

Everyone is offended that they like anything I say.

Mandi E. April 11, 2012 at 2:22 pm

My new purpose in life is to find ways to offend the easily offended to see if I can set the record for most heads exploded through subversive conversation.

I win at trolling.
Mandi E. recently posted..Keep my kitchen clean, and no one needs to die.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:59 am

What’s your death toll thus far?

Jaclyn April 11, 2012 at 9:29 pm

I’m going to take a dump in your mouth. And I’ll be really offended if you don’t let me.
Jaclyn recently posted..I’m Going to Whine About Being Tired. You’re Welcome.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:59 am


Meg April 12, 2012 at 2:21 am

I’m offended by people who chew gum loudly. While we’re being offended and all, just thought I’d put it out there.
Meg recently posted..Over the Hill

Noa May 17, 2012 at 1:00 am

Hah! Thanks for the addition!

CrazyTragicAlmostMagic April 12, 2012 at 8:31 am

It takes an awful lot to offend me over anything. I have tolerance issues when it comes to rudeness and bigotry and all of that stuff. But offending me? You’d have to work at it.
CrazyTragicAlmostMagic recently posted..Patience Is Not My Virtue but Vegas Is

Noa May 17, 2012 at 1:01 am

Ditto, my friend, ditto.

injaynesworld April 12, 2012 at 4:52 pm

While there’s a shitload of stuff that annoys me, I’m offended by very little. Deliberate cruelty on any level offends me. And stupidity. Not your garden variety moron. I mean real, hardcore, fucking ignorance. Crap. Best not to get me started on that one.
injaynesworld recently posted..injaynesworld " ‘Odd Job’ Wasn’t A Bond Character…"

Noa May 17, 2012 at 1:01 am

I always hope that truly ignorant people are just trolls.

Norway April 12, 2012 at 9:38 pm

So, not TECHNICALLY relevant, but if you hadn’t seen this yet… *Someone* had to stand out against Kirk Cameron.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 1:02 am

I think Kirk Cameron is a parody of a person. I can’t believe that he is real, he and his ridiculous ideas.

Fuck Kirk Cameron.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress April 17, 2012 at 11:32 am

I can’t be friends with people who are easily offended.

Why? Because….FUCK THAT SHIT.
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..Monday Dare: Are you a runner? And not the kind on a treadmill.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 1:03 am

Best. Answer. Ever.

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