Congratulations, It’s A Life Of Hellish Unwanted Competition!

04/02/2012 · 96 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person, Psychological Warfare, Sadist Vagina, What Is Wrong With You?

I need to get something off my chest.

I secretly think that having kids would be the best thing ever. In my imagination, they wouldn’t be so awful, they’d actually be pretty fun, given I had them at the right time. I think I might not be the worst mother ever, and could probably do a bang-up job of raising some kids well enough to exist in society without being the smelly kids. Plus, Adrian is pretty good-looking, and I really hate to waste pretty jizz.

I still don’t think I want children.

Not because of the cost.
Not because of the headaches and sleepless nights.
Not even because of the raging puberties that promise only the smell of benzoyl peroxide and resentment.

I just don’t want to lose at the competition of being a mom.

Birth Is A Sport That No One Can Win

When you give birth, you get to either point at a human and say, “I shoved that out of here,” while pointing with both hands at your crotch or have one ripped from your stomach while the Doctor prays to Kali-Ma. I thought that when you really broke it down to black and white, your options for birthing were pretty cut and dry.


There are apparently hundreds of ways you can bring a fresh life into the world, and all of them are fucking wrong–after you choose one. Every single person who’s ever given birth is more badass than every other person because their method is correct, so go fuck yourself. Meds or No Meds, On-Your-Back or Squatting-Over-A-River, Hospital or Yurt, either way, you’re choosing the wrong one. There’s even a thing called hypnobirthing which seems completely ludicrous (which even includes the mantra, “exhale through your rectum.”)

If you even considered for a moment that you might want to re-enact the chestburster scene from Alien to add to your family, then you deserve a judgment-free gold medal. To me, it seems like if you even thought about getting pregnant at all, then you fucking won at birth.

A Neaderthal Movie In 6th Grade Predicted The Future

I once saw a documentary in middle school about how Neaderthals gave birth, which, looking back, seems an odd choice for a unit about Egyptian history. The school system was not fantastic.

The documentary showed one approximately 12-year-old girl giving birth to what looked like a piñata version of a caveman. The other cavewoman, who was 60-something, bit her way through the umbilical cord before whipping the piñata baby around to clear his lungs, and then feeding the piñata by spitting chewed fruit into his mouth.

I vividly remember thinking how horrifying this scene was, and attribute that greatly to my desire not to want to birth children. And now, when I think we’ve moved past being neanderthals, ALL OF THOSE THINGS ARE POPULAR AGAIN.

People eat placentas, make artwork with them, or even have their kids burn them as a rite of passage. There’s a woman in Russia who’s teaching “baby yoga,” which I translate roughly into, “horrifying child abuse.” Fucking celebrities are even penguin feeding their crotchlings like it’s totally an okay thing to do. I’m not sure I want to be a mom if that’s what’s expected of me.

My Kid’s So Unique He Doesn’t Even Fucking Exist

The final stage in motherhood competition seems to be making sure your child will stand out in a crowd of 7 billion other people who also need to eat, sleep and live. Seriously though, your kid matters most so fuck those other people.

I have little ground to stand on with a weird name myself, but when you’re purposely naming your child An’chta’jia (Anastasia), you’re just being an asshole to your child and to the world. Also? Your toddler has absolutely no interest in the finer points of ancient Indonesian spear fighting meditation, I swear. It will not get him into Harvard. It will get his ass kicked in middle school when he tries to bring it up. There is a fine line between a unique and a useless talent.

The message you’re sending is not that your child is unique or special in any way whatsoever. You’re just telling the world, “I want everyone to feel the most inferior to me.”

Guess what? It doesn’t work. When you raise a kid like this, they become the adults that we all love to loathe.

Those that send out save-the-dates on individual roses where each petal falls at a certain time to give you the information you need written in hand-calligraphed gold.
Those that demand special treatment at restaurants, schools, jobs, stores and offices simply for existing.
Those that bump into you and don’t apologize, and leave shopping carts to roam freely in the parking lot.

If motherhood is just one giant competition to see who gets to raise the most and the largest douchebags, then I’m out.

It’s hard for me not to be cynical about the world, you guys.

What do you think of mom-petition? Have you ever seen a blatant display or even called someone on their bullshit? Are you just as scared of raising assholes as I am?
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From Jen: “The Oatmeal had me at How To Beat Up a Dolphin. Every time I read them I feel as if the Mother Ship is calling me home.” 
Front Desk Ninja April 2, 2012 at 2:31 am

You have a very valid point there.
I still say you should pump out at least two spawns. I have some reasons below for you.

a) They’d be badass, without even trying. Look at who created them.
b) You could begin to form an army to do what you want.
c) You aren’t the kind of funny bitch who listens to crazy people who force feed their opinions down your throat
d) You rock. And you’d be a kick ass mom.
e) more people to feed you cheerios through the bottom of the door to your closet.

I mean, really.
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Johi April 2, 2012 at 7:04 am

I wholeheartedly agree with Ninja. You should totally make at least two little humans. Then you can wave your hand over their heads and say to random people, “I made these. What do you make?”
And somehow I am certain that you, with your rapid fire wit and ability to shoot down any and all mom-petition assholery like Katniss can take out tiny forest creatures with a single arrow.
Plus? Those sorts of humans (giving special attention to those who eat the placenta) are so much fun to mock. So much.

Oh, and last I checked, the fancy name for ‘exhaling through your rectum’ is fart.
Johi recently posted..Boys will be boys

Noa May 2, 2012 at 4:01 pm

@FDN: I feel like you have very valid points in your comment. I maybe will one day have a child. Or 1000.

@Johi: I feel like if I had children, it would only be to see how long it took before I could get them into therapy.

Abby April 2, 2012 at 6:11 am

I am the anti-mommy in every way possible, as my desire to nurture something begins and ends with my garden three months out of the year. After that, I’m ready to rip the sucker out and forget about it for the next nine months. I heard you can’t do that with offspring.

But the only thing I can think of that would be a benefit of having kids for me would be the fact that mommy bloggers are taking over the world. Hello? Constant content and ohmygodallthebodilyfunctions we could write about that would be CUTE and not CRUDE! Think of the fun we could have! Or…we could just be hilarious with our barren uteruses (uteri?) and conserve our awesomeness for plants.

I’m going that route.
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Jen April 3, 2012 at 8:37 am

This is why I make a point of NOT blogging about my short people. No one cares. Kids are fucking annoying.
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Front Desk Ninja April 4, 2012 at 5:35 am

Not true. Your kids are kind of kick ass. Yours and Jaclyn’s spawn. I have faith that the next generation won’t be completely ridiculous.
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Jen April 4, 2012 at 8:34 am

Thanks chica. Although at the moment they are about 5 seconds away from being sold on craigslist.
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Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:38 pm

I am so scared of having a child it’s kind of frightening. I can’t keep bamboo alive.

Jillian @ Brilliant Title April 2, 2012 at 6:21 am

I have always wanted kids; it was just a given in my plans. (Technically, I should have started popping them out by now. The softball team’s not going to field itself…) Then I discovered the terrible truth that…I really don’t like dogs. Like, at all. They’re really cute and friendly…and then I’m done. How in the world am I supposed to take care of a child when my idiot canine “friend” makes me want to stone him with Kibbles?! I keep promising myself that “my kids will be different.” Good Lord, please let them be better than a dog…
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Misty April 6, 2012 at 9:25 am

I loved dogs until I had my kids. It was like I only had room enough in my heart for one set of helpless animals. Now, I barely tolerate my pets, but love my kids. Ok, fine . . . sometimes I barely tolerate my kids as well. But at least your kids won’t shed all over you and your furniture or put muddy paws on your sweater or try to lick you in the face. Ok, I’m lying . . . they totally do that as well. Stick to fish. They are much easier
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Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:40 pm

My dog is a huge asshole when other people enter the room. I fear children in the idea that they will be the same way. Can’t do it.

Starle April 2, 2012 at 6:32 am

Oh god, the part about giving birth is hilarious. My Kids however are perfect and special in every way. Perfectly special assholes!
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Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:42 pm

That last line is the kicker there. Nicely done.

Mayor Gia April 2, 2012 at 6:40 am

Hahaha every time I think about having kids I become horrified at the thought of not being able to “give them back” when I alone time with a bottle of wine…which is approximately every night.

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Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:43 pm

I want to adopt a grandchild. See them only at Christmas and Birthdays, and then let the roam the rest of the year.

Stephanie April 2, 2012 at 7:04 am

“exhale through your rectum.” – I am going to laugh about this ALL day. Maybe all year.

A friend of mine thought about never having kids because of all the stupid people out there having so many kids. Her mom said that’s the point. She SHOULD have kids just so stupid people didn’t take over the world.

I’ve decided I don’t give a fuck about other moms. I fully plan on being the mom at the back of the PTA meetings making snarky comments while drinking from my “water” bottle.

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:44 pm

That’s the only way to mom, my friend. That’s the only way to do it.

Hoody Hoo April 2, 2012 at 7:20 am

“Dammit, Hoody, did you fart?” “Nope, just exhaled through my rectum.”
Also, my child-production plan is this: freeze some eggs and then, RIGHT WHEN I’M ABOUT TO DIE, have them inseminated. So I still get the Motherhood Merit Badge without actually having to raise it, ’cause I’ll be dead.
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Myth April 4, 2012 at 2:01 am

Oh, come on, that’s a total cop-out and you know it. Either have kids or don’t, none of this mad science half-assery. Besides, what if some asshole raises your kids ’cause you’re pushing up daisies? And then your kids turn out to be exactly the kind of assholes you absolutely can’t stand and you’re like, “Son of a bitch. Didn’t quite think that one through.”

(This reply is very much in a playful tone and not just me being a twatwaffle. Sorry if it seems otherwise, but I’m too proud to stoop to the level of smiley faces.)

Hoody Hoo April 4, 2012 at 6:29 am

See, the beauty of the plan is I’ll be dead, so screw the rest of y’all if my raised-by-the-Collective test-tube kid is a dick! The only possible downside would be to get reincarnated as my own kid, but I think the waiting list is longer than that.
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Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:45 pm


You’re a goddamn genius.

CoreyFerns April 2, 2012 at 8:27 am

It’s a good thing you don’t have one of those update feeds on your page or it would be an epic way to engage in Tom fuckery while everyone is waiting for a new other news…I declare Mondays..Dangerballs Friday..

I have no other useful things to add to this except that I used to be one of those assholes that I will eventually want to raise. And as Russell Howard once said, “I shall name him..The project..” and he shall be a little shit in every way that I never was, just cause..

Also when you said pretty jizz I couldn’t get the imagine of orgasms involving sparkles and faeries out of my head…Thanks.

And ‘exhale through your rectum’ just makes the miracle of childbirth sound just so…Magical.
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Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:46 pm

I imagine ugly jizz would be some kind of brown.

Just made myself gag.

Monica April 2, 2012 at 8:45 am

Noa, sometimes it’s like you write these things so I don’t have to.

The mom-petition makes me want to spork myself in the eyes, and I’m not even a mother. As far as the birthing thing, with some people, it’s like, the mother who suffers the most cares the most, whether that suffering is necessary or not.

I think, while there are plenty of good reasons to not have a kid (you are broke, your husband is in prison, etc.), the only good one is because you want one.
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Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:47 pm

It’s scary enough that I think it scares so many normal people into not having kids. I hate that.

ColinP April 2, 2012 at 9:22 am

I have started to refer to children in the following ways starting from youngest to oldest:

1 – abnormal growth (if the child hasn’t been decanted yet)
2 – parasites
3 – spawn
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Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:48 pm

Hold on, I have a pregnant friend to call.

Dan Perez April 2, 2012 at 9:52 am

The trick is to raise your kids so that they understand that most people are stupid (it ain’t that hard) and that the world is mostly stupid (music, film, schoolwork, etc) and then have them build a defense against it using cynicism and sarcasm. That way, they can easily mock and humble all the kids we love to loathe.
You see how simple it is?
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Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:49 pm

This is why you are so fucking awesome, Dan.

Mandy April 2, 2012 at 9:59 am

First of all, you already win at motherhood because you don’t give a fuck if you win at motherhood. I’m almost 32, with a 5 year old. We were married 5 years before we had her. Color me crazy for wanting to finish my degree and to have been at my job long enough that I could get 4 months of fully paid maternity leave. I had 2 weeks on bedrest (because my body hated being pregnant as much as my mind did). I had 39 hours of labor… people wonder why I stopped at one. Actually, the labor wasn’t the only reason. I didn’t want added expense, I didn’t wanna hear my kids fighting over shit and I figured if I tried REALLY HARD I could make my urchin a little less asshat-y and a lot more contribute-y to the world. So far so good. My kid doesn’t whine too much, she has great manners (deep south, right here) she’s smart and she’s actually kinda cute. And when people compliment me on all the aforementioned shit, you know what I say? “Thanks. I’m just too lazy for a high maintenance child.” It’s true. I started at the cradle with sleep training and manners so once she hit the awful years, she wasn’t awful. All those bitches with terrorist kids can kiss my lily white ass.

All of THAT being said, I’m a working mom. I get judged. I respond with a big fat “FUCK YOU.” I don’t want anymore kids. I get judged. I respond with a big fat “FUCK YOU MORE” … I’m tellin you. The key to winning, is to not give a fuck.

You got this.

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:50 pm

I hate all that mom judgery. WHY? If your kid is not a serial killer or a parasite, YOU WIN.

Red April 2, 2012 at 10:01 am

I’ve never wanted kids, and not because of the birthing thing, or the mothering thing – although I love my solitude and it would suck to give it up – and not even because of the competing-with-a-child-for-the-love-of-my-spouse thing.

I’ve never wanted kids because the world is going to hell in a handbasket and until we start fixing things, you could not pay me to bring another human being into it. The next generation is screwed IMHO.
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Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:51 pm

You’re absolutely right. We’re screwing everyone over by being assholes about raising kids.

Cara April 2, 2012 at 10:20 am

Oh God, I actually did the hypno-birthing thing, though my program was called Hypnobabies. I totally agree with the woman in the article, you have to REALLY believe that it’s going to work or else it doesn’t. It didn’t help that I had back labor (which fucking sucks by the way). I made it through 9 hours of excruciating pain, breathing and imagining that I was surrounded by a peaceful bubble, before they said the word “pitocin” and I said “epidural please!” Turned out great, my kid rocks, and I don’t give a flying fuck about what other babies are doing, when, etc.

She hasn’t rolled over yet. This is me being not worried. I can’t imagine a situation in which she goes to college, unable to roll over and lies on the floor of a frat house like an upturned turtle because she tripped over someone in her drunken state, landed on her back on the floor, and now can’t roll over to get up. Though if she did, that would be REALLY funny.

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:53 pm

I really love that you think of your child as a turtle. It makes me so happy that you have a sense of humor, instead of a facebook-y rage session.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd April 2, 2012 at 10:32 am

My cousin is a competitive birth story teller. She always busts out that her epidural only worked on half of her body and oh-my-god-it-was-so-awful. Meanwhile my sister, who’s had two completely natural births secretly rolls her eyes. My sister’s last delivery was chaotically fast – she came close to giving birth in her car. My cousin always loudly exclaims “God, I wish I had a quick labor like you.” Sometimes I just wish people would just literally say what they’re feeling – just yell “MEEEEEEEEEEEE!” for 15 seconds and get it over with.
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Eleanor April 2, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Does she realize that epidurals slow down labor? And yes, I have met MANY of what I call “childbirth martyrs”. They don’t necessarily want to out-story someone else, just have others say “Oh poor you”.
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Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:54 pm

If you birth any child at all, you win.

I really wish some people would learn that life isn’t a competition.

Mandy April 2, 2012 at 10:45 am

Ha. Good call, Cara. I had the same attitude. She didn’t walk till she was almost 18 months old- but I knew at some point she would! She still sucks her thumb and people say, “You don’t want her to keep doing that anymore do you?”

Uh… I really don’t care. Kid has so much space between her teeth (like I did) that no matter what she’ll need braces. Plus, if she doesn’t get over it before she goes to college that’s HER embarrassment to deal with- not mine.

In the meantime, it keeps her comforted and quiet and isn’t causing irreparable harm so… yeah… still don’t care!

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:56 pm

I had a friend whose son was as tall as a 4 year old at about 18 months, so frequently when she was changing his diaper, women would bitch at her for not potty training her child.

Goddamn, we need to leave people alone.

Jaime April 2, 2012 at 10:48 am

I’m completely terrified of raising an asshole….. Have you seen kids these days?! They are douchewads…. They are inconsiderate, illiterate, selfish, and don’t know the greatness of history… Like who the Barenaked Ladies are.

We should form a support group for other women who are afraid to give birth.

Myth April 4, 2012 at 2:14 am

As someone who is still arguably (and legally) a kid, I promise you there is hope. I not only know who the Barenaked Ladies are but own two of their albums.

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:57 pm



Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:56 pm

Can we all drink?

Lauren April 2, 2012 at 10:49 am

I love this post so much. I think I walked into the mom-competition unwittingly. I had no idea the weirdos that are out there. Lesson learned!

Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:58 pm

It’s a little known fact that riot gear is required for motherhood.

Ninja Mom April 2, 2012 at 11:16 am

Just in case I’m screwing up and pampering my kids too much, not really exposing them to the real-world scenarios of presidential primaries and cage fighting, I plan to host “Lord of the Flies” week in the backyard when they are all teens.
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Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:59 pm

Am I invited?

Jen April 2, 2012 at 11:16 am

I live in a ‘burb where the uber-Mom facist douchebaggery runs rampant. No, my short people are not taking Tae Kwon Do and Mandarin Chinese and History of Ancient Hungarian Cabinet Making, but they know all the words to Nicki Minaj’s “Superbass” and how to use the coffee maker so they can hook a bitch up in the wee hours of the morning. That is a goddamn parenting WIN, y’all. You should have at least one, Noa. You and Adrian need to create a badass little mofo to counter-balance the little asshats running around like lemmings. I promise I’ll babysit. But no “playdates”, because fuck playdates.
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Noa May 16, 2012 at 11:59 pm

Hell, even I don’t know how to run a coffee maker. Good on ya, my friend.

L-Kat April 2, 2012 at 11:32 am

On first dates, I ask the guy if he thinks I’m a babymaker. It’s probably a bit forward and possibly awkward, but I’m blunt. If his answer is yes, then it’s a no go. I politely tell him that I have a hostile uterus that would eat its own young, that I’m selfish and care more about raising goats in the Swiss Alps than getting a real job and providing for any offspring that happen to survive The Hunger Games my uterus hosts, and that my the time I can be convinced children are a good idea (so they can support me when I’m senile), my eggs will be depleted. I figure it’s best to just get it out in the open.
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:01 am

You’re goddamn ballsy, my friend. I salute you.

K April 2, 2012 at 1:22 pm

I have seven kids more or less by accident and because I can be induced to do anything if they bribes are large enough.
Each one of them has been informed from day one that I am nothing more than an evil witch and they are my minions. My own army of Hells Angels. What is the point of having children if I can’t have a little fun?

L-Kat, Just freaking Awesome. I think I love you.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:03 am

K, you win at parenting.

Mandy April 2, 2012 at 1:44 pm

What Jen said. Jen- can you babysit my little one, too? Your short people could teach her the lyrics to “Superbass” and CJ could teach your guys the lyrics to “Bad Romance.”

But fuck playdates, fo SHO. Nothing pisses me off more than some sugary sweet invite to a fucking playdate in the park. My idea of a playdate is CJ in the spare bedroom watching Blue’s Clues while I watch The Shank on the flatscreen for the umpteenth time. THAT’s a playdate.

Jen April 3, 2012 at 8:41 am

You know I used to date Steve from ‘Blues Clues’, right? ‘Cuz I could probably phone in a favor if a sistah needs a break. ;)
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Mandy April 3, 2012 at 10:13 am

You complete me, you know that right? 3 cheers for long lost twins… separated by a couple years… but really, who gives a fuck about a few years?

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:05 am

Are kids so deprived of contact with the world that playtime must be scheduled? That baffles me about playmates.

Dana the Biped April 2, 2012 at 1:45 pm

The Miracle of Life–ah, that most terrifying of documentaries. Because I always wanted to not only know that I would poop in front of lots of people during childbirth, I would also have the privilege of seeing someone else do it on film.


Aaaand that’s why I have a dog.
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Jen April 3, 2012 at 8:44 am

Aaaaaand that’s why I had a C-Section. No labor, no pain, no having my va-jay-jay flapping open like the flag at the opening ceremonies of the Olympics every time I pee, no “am I in yet” as someone goes spelunkering in my cavernous maw. . .huzzah, medical miracles!
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Mandy April 3, 2012 at 10:16 am

I was terrified I would poop on the table. Imagine my horror when I did. Then it dawned on me, those bitches in the birthing classes said when it was time to push, push like you’re taking a shit and the kid will come out faster. All I heard was “and the kid will come out faster.” Well played, bitches. Well played.

Dana the Biped April 3, 2012 at 12:25 pm

If I did ever spawn, The Squeeze would definitely be banished to the waiting room just so he never saw that crap (pun intended, I’m that person). And then he could never hold all the awful things I would most certainly say about him against me. Think I’d choose my mom’s hand to hold. She’s seen my poop plenty already, even if it’s been a few decades.
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Dana the Biped April 3, 2012 at 12:22 pm

That’s the kind of miracle they should make films about!
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:05 am

Helen Mirren cites that very film as the reason why she does not have children.

Erin T April 2, 2012 at 2:36 pm

You totally should make a person. You’d be the badassedest of the bad ass…

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:08 am

I’m touched. Thank you!

Rosa April 2, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Here’s the secret to winning the mom-petition–tequila. When those ass-wipes start getting on your nerves with all the talk of their labor and their ridiculous child names and all their other pretentious shit, take a shot of tequila. After a bit, you won’t even notice them and their obnoxious little kids any more.

The truth is, we’re all good moms on some days and not so great moms on other days. In the end, you just hope that the good days outweigh the bad, and I’m betting they will for you. My kids are mostly good, mostly normal, fun people. And if I can pull that off, then so can you.

And Jillian, despite what every dog owner on the face of the earth will tell you, having a dog is NOTHING like having a child. I’ve never left my kids in a cage in the dining room so that I could go out to dinner (although I considered it once or twice). Every time a dog lover says that, I want to kick them in the twat.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:09 am

Tequila and I are not friends anymore.

Can I substitute hungarian moonshine?

lisa from insignificant at best April 2, 2012 at 3:14 pm

I have a daughter and have experienced much of what you just talked about. By MY choice, I decided I wanted to have a natural birth using the Bradley Method of birthing. Not once while I was pregnant did I say that my way was right, have a drug induced labor was wrong, blah, blah, blah. I figured, to each their own, what business is it of mine, right? Well I had SEVERAL people look at me appalled, as if I was an idiot. The choice phrase always seemed to be “Don’t be a hero!” or “Why are you trying to be a hero?” They all seemed to think I was trying to have a natural birth so I could prove that I was better than them. Well they’re right cuz I had said natural birth so I AM better than them. Kidding. I actually had to defend myself by saying I’m not a huge fan of medication/drugs period and I don’t want them in my body, let alone my child’s. Being a so-called “hero” was something that never occurred to me. Having a natural childbirth had just been something I’d always dreamed about doing. If it’s not your dream, well then good for you. I don’t’ fucking care what you do. It’s your body, your kid, etc., you have to do what’s right for you.

This doesn’t even include the “I had the hardest, longest, most miserable labor award.” My labor was insanely intense and fast, lasting 5 hours. This of course means I lose cuz this other lady had a “Year long labor, before popping out 20 kids, all 15 lbs each, while standing on her head cooking dinner”. Ever sit and watch a group of women try to out labor each other? It’s intense.

Oh and don’t even get me started about stupid competitions between mom’s that are non-childbirth related. My step-sister had a boy who almost 3 months to the day of my daughter and it’s been on big competition since. I’ll never forget how we were at a party and I ran into her mother, who proceeded to comment on how many teeth my daughter had (see started teething very early at 3 months), all while holding my nephew. My step-sister over heard, ripped my nephew out of her mom’s hands and said snottily “Brandon has teeth too!” I remember just sitting there too dumbfounded to say anything. I mean are you fucking kidding me right now? Since when is teething a competition? Teeth do not equal intelligence. Teething is not some special skill; it’s just something a body does. Starting teething at 3 months instead of 6 does not make my kid better than yours. When my hubby and I were looking to move, my step-sister told me that I should move by her so our kids could go to school together. OMG can you imagine? “My kid got a lead part in the play, what did yours get?” “My kid got an A on this test, what did yours get?” Oh hell to the mother fucking no. Needless to say we live nowhere near her.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:10 am

That’s like talking about who had the worst and longest poop ever. As long as you pooped, isn’t that what matters?

Eleanor April 2, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Even when you aren’t a parent, there seems to be competition. I don’t hesitate to tell other people’s kids to stop running or yelling when in restaurants and other public places. The most common parental response is along the lines of I didn’t squirt one out, so I can’t possibly know how to raise a child. Yeah. Forget my years of learning child development, being a nanny and raising 3 step kids. Experience means NOTHING if you haven’t breathed through your rectum. By that logic, no one would be allowed to adopt, cause hey…they didn’t struggle with a parasite for 9ish months. And fathers? Forget it. They are right out. No dad could possibly know how to raise a kid cause he doesn’t have the right equipment. And forget those women who neglect or abuse their kids. Cause hey…they spawned em, they know how to raise em. Everyone knows that once you have a kid your IQ shoots up like 10 points.

(I hope I don’t have to explain sarcasm here)
Eleanor recently posted..If you like Douglas Adams, America and Apple Pie you will go vote for me.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:12 am

I HATE THAT. I taught toddler karate for a long time–I can fucking handle a child, and yet still, parents are insistent that I don’t because I’m a non parent.

And then they shut up when I can make their kid behave in under 2 minutes.

Kelly April 2, 2012 at 6:52 pm

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Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:12 am

Your prize is at the door.

Kelly April 2, 2012 at 6:56 pm

I wish more people thought this much before having kids. the competition starts before you even get pregnant, but only if you care. there are lots of people who don’t care about how you get pregnant or where or what class you have your kid signed up for or how you breastfed in utero. Just choose to be that person, choose to be yourself and fuck everyone else. It’s a great lesson to teach your kids, too.
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Dana the Biped April 3, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Wait. Breastfeeding in utero???
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:14 am

Thank you for being a voice of reason in such a fucked up world.

LDiggitty April 2, 2012 at 8:01 pm

I recommend:

1) Ignoring all the snooty moms who parade their children around because they can speak French and play the cello,

2) Focusing on the whiskey tango moms who cuss at their kids in the grocery store.

It’s not who’s better than us, it’s who we are better than… :)
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:15 am

I’ve never been so proud to say I hope to be a number 2 some day.

Robyn April 2, 2012 at 9:56 pm

I could care less if I win at motherhood. Shit, if they wake up the next morning after I put them to bed the night before, that’s a fucking win in my book!!

At 5 and 7, my kids are smart asses to me, and I love it. They are, however, nice to their teachers and friends. I just can’t help but laugh when they smart talk back to me because, fuckitall, they are just like me! little spawns, I wouldn’t trade them!

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:16 am

You are the mom I want to be one day.

Andi Davies April 2, 2012 at 10:10 pm

Competitive labor stories are ridiculous. I had the worst morning sickness ever with my first, and the only person who tells that story is my husband. Mostly because he walked in the door one day, and I took one look at him and ran for the bathroom. All those years later, he still thinks this is funny. Someday, Oldest will bring a girl home and the Hubs will tell that story, and I will have to hog tie her to the dining room chair in order to have any hope of grandchildren.

My mom tried to start the mom-petition for me, years ago. She asked me if I thought Oldest was gifted. I said, “He’s two. I’m not sure he can find his ass with both hands.” Eleven years later, I’m pretty sure none of my kids can find their ass with both hands but that’s ok. They’re boys. They’d just do something gross with it anyway.
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:18 am

She asked me if I thought Oldest was gifted. I said, “He’s two. I’m not sure he can find his ass with both hands.”

That’s me, today, at 25.

Thank you. Glorious.

Sedge | noob-dad April 2, 2012 at 10:19 pm

I agree with this post, but for these reasons is why I’m having a kid.

Somebody has to grow up with these douchebags and kick the crap out of them throughout their childhood years. That somebody will be my spawn.
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Jen April 4, 2012 at 8:36 am

(s-l-o-w-c-l-a-p) Amen, my brutha.
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:18 am

Raising a legion of policing bullies?

I’m so fucking in.

topless carrot April 3, 2012 at 10:46 am

oh my god. i seriously could not agree with you more. just a sample – a SAMPLE – of things that i’ve already been judged on (and by the way I am not pregnant, nor have i ever had a baby):

1. breastfeeding or formula? and if you’re not breastfeeding, why do you want the baby to die? and if you’re not doing formula, how can you even call yourself an American? why do you hate your God and your country so much?

2. vaginal or c-section? because, clearly, one of these is actually going to be enjoyable. and if vaginal, epidural or no? (see above.) and if epidural, see #1 (re, god and country)

3. are you finding out the baby’s gender? because you don’t have to if you don’t want to. but then again, it’s imperative – IMPERATIVE – that i know what color to buy you useless baby-shit in. and I would rather die than see your baby boy in a pink Snuggie, just to let you know.

4. are you going to have a shower? because, see #3 (Gender – Apparent Binary-ness Of)

5. are you going to wait 12 weeks to tell people? because i’m pretty sure that every family member, every friend, every coworker you’ve ever had, and everybody you’ve ever met or will ever meet on Facebook and otherwise will not SLEEP until they know every last molecule of your gestational age.

6. are you circumcising? because, let’s be honest, you don’t want to have to clean out that shit.

7. are you going to name the baby before birth? no big deal if you’re not. i’ll just be cranky for 40 weeks because i may have to refer to it as “fetus” or something else that as it turns out IS ACTUALLY AN ACCURATE DESCRIPTION rather than calling it Apple, or Sweetums, or Turkish Bath, or whatever else unique you may end up going with.

and, at this point? the thing hasn’t even been BORN yet. or conceived. or conceived of being conceived. toddlerhood and beyond is clearly a frightening place for me.
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Eleanor April 3, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Re: #7 – My friends recently circumvented that one by calling the unborn spudling Spork. People who knew them got it and people who didn’t shut up pretty quickly. Not the name they ended up with, by the way. It was just a place holder to shut people up.
Eleanor recently posted..If you like Douglas Adams, America and Apple Pie you will go vote for me.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:22 am

A very dear friend of mine is only 8 weeks pregnant and has already been reduced to tears over all of those listed above.

When did it suddenly become everyone’s business?

Teresa April 3, 2012 at 11:22 pm

I would like to think I’m doing something right as far as raising a valuable member to society because my toddler’s favorite song is “Another One Bite’s the Dust.” It gets played on repeat everyday to and from daycare. That is 30 minutes of Queen everyday.

Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:22 am

And that is the recommended dosage.

Well fucking done.

Misty April 6, 2012 at 9:43 am

Both of my births were painless. I was all hopped up on the epidurals and felt NOTHING. Clearly I win this whole motherfucking thing!! Woo-hoo.

My oldest’s favoritest song is Gotye’s Somebody That I Used To Know, he used tickets he won at an arcade to buy a little notebook/pen so that he could practice math problems . . . on spring break, and he got up with his little brother on vacation, took off his sleep diaper and made sure he put clean undies on him before I even got into their room. Clearly I’m doing something right.

Your kids will be what you make of them. And then they will surprise you. Hopefully in good ways, sometimes in bad. But it’s the not giving a fuck what other people think of your parenting skills that is the gold medal winner of parenting. Make a baby, raise it how you want, and fuck all y’all. The end.
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:24 am

You gave me so much hope. You have no idea.

Thank you. So so much.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress April 17, 2012 at 11:45 am

This is why I have VERY FEW MOM FRIENDS.

I can’t stand those fuckers cuz all they want to do is talk about their goddamn kids and how smart they are.
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Noa May 17, 2012 at 12:25 am

It’s awesome because your kid is smarter than all of them.

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