Being A Lady: Like Fending Off Hateful Lemurs All Day

04/25/2012 · 65 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, Sadist Vagina, What Is Wrong With You?

I am too old and have been married too long to admit this, but I’m still fascinated with how men handle owning a dick.

I imagine that being the owner of a penis is not unlike carrying a surly, temperamental middle-aged man around in your crotch. He’s drunk half the time, he insults you, and picks fights constantly. The way men talk about them, their dicks are total assh0les.

I have no idea what it’s like to be a dude. I can only go by my experience, and having tits is decidedly very different than having a deflated elephant ’round your crotchal region. I assume. I really have no idea, being the proud owner of a vagina and all.

I recently started asking what men wondered about being a lady, and I was surprised at the questions. Namely, the lack of fashion and dating questions that I expected (why purses? do I hold open the door? why shoes? who pays? why weird dresses?) and more along the lines of “How the fuck do your bodies work?”

What’s it like to have PMS?

Just the other day, I cried at a Nike commercial while eating Mac ‘n Cheese alone, and then I yelled at my cat for existing.

That’s PMS.

What’s it like to have a period?

It’s just like waiting for bills in the mail, but if your mailman hatefully threw them at your face at the most unexpected times.

If you don’t get yours this month, you panic and you’re pissed, and if you do get it, you’re just pissed. Either way, you’re bleeding profusely.

Is the gynecologist really that bad?

Go get undressed, lay down on the very edge of your bed with your ass hanging off, but put your heels up on the edge as wide as you can spread your legs. For the love of God, DO. NOT. FART. (and now that you’re thinking about it, you will have to.) Invite a couple of well-educated strangers to poke your asshole while making awkward small-talk jokes for 20 minutes. Remain there with your dick in the breeze while the stranger judgmentally lectures you about safe sex while standing over you.

Yes. It’s very bad.

Do you just play with your boobs all day?

Not all day. I do catch myself holding my boobs when I think, and I use them to clean off the screen of my phone. That was much more awkward when I worked for AT&T and regularly (unconsciously) did it to customer’s phones.

Do they itch like balls do?

Yes. And it’s just as awkward to scratch them. If you see a woman slide her forearm across her chest while reaching for something, her boobs itch something fierce.

Do you get sick of getting hard nipples in cold weather?

After a while it’s pretty annoying. I imagine it’s to having a boner for a really long time. Isn’t that annoying after a while if you’re just trying to buy groceries? Doesn’t it chafe?

Do you ever pinch your vagina by accident (like when walking/sitting too fast)?

No, but OUCH, MAN. OUCH. God, does that happen to you? That sounds JUST AWFUL. That said, I have accidentally split a fence or two, and that shit HURTS.

Does your labia jiggle like balls do? 

No, but WEIRD, MAN. WEIRD. I hear there are some ladies with long-ass labias, so I guess theirs do.

Honestly, do you really care how big it is?

Like a pole-vaulter with the longest, strongest pole ever made: the pole matters less if you’re actually attentive and skilled overall. Having a huge dick gets you nowhere if you’re terrible in bed.

Where does the pee come from?

Totally embarrassing but, honestly? I have no idea. Somewhere down there. I, logically, know what it’s like with the distribution and such, but I won’t be bothered to poke around my crotch for an hour until I can pin it like a Donkey Tail.

Where do you hide your farts?

Whoa, what?
1) Dudes have places they hide their farts? Like a jar or a closet?
2) When alone, we’re just as gross as dudes
3) Seriously, is it like a Ghostbuster’s trap or something?
4) Girls learn early in life not to fart. The second we close the door when we’re home, it’s on, though.
5) Old ladies NEVER hide farts.

What’s so great about jewelry?

Even I don’t know the answer to this one, and I wear a shitload of jewelry. You won’t delete shit off of DVR’s, I wear jewelry. We deal with it.

Do you look for men with big feet?

No–we know that’s bullshit. Also the thing about noses, or hands, or ears. You assholes can just look at our chests. If we think you might have a huge wang, we have to have some goddamn faith.

Are sexy pillow fights a thing?

I’ve never had a sexy pillow fight. I’ve had pillow fights that end up in broken noses and smashed windows. If that’s your thing, then yes, we do have sexy pillow fights.

Did you ever compare breasts with friends?

I’ve never whipped out my tits for a friend to judge, but I know friends who have. I’d be lying if I didn’t notice another woman’s nicely-done boobs now and then. We all wonder if ours are normal-looking.

Do you lose circulation wearing tight pants?

Yes. It feels like weak zombies trying to take you out all day long–annoying and vaguely frightening.

Does the car he drives matter?

Depends on the girl, depends on the situation. I wouldn’t bust a guy about a car, but if it’s clear you made no effort to clean it before picking me up, I’ll judge the ever living shit out of you.

Is there a pickup line that works?

Pickups lines are verbal equivalent of windowless vans. Just say, “hi, I’m _____.” THAT’S ALL IT FUCKING TAKES, YO.

How much do you weigh, really?

How big is your dick, really? No one asks for a reason.

What’s it like to run with boobs?

Without a sports bra: like being repeatedly punched in the ribcage by two aggressive lemurs with superiority complexes. If you’re wearing a sports bra, it feels like those lemurs are forcing your tits concave so they can eat oatmeal and severed fingers from your mangled chest. Generally, horribly unpleasant.

Those lemurs will be the death of me.

Did I get any answers wrong? Were there questions you’ve always wondered about men/women? Has anyone ever asked you a question like this? What did you say?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Starle: “That was so fucking horrible. I think I may have scarred my 9 year old by making her watch this and then reading your scathing commentary. At one part of the video she was actually digging her fingernails into her forehead with her mouth open. I win at parenting.”
Front Desk Ninja April 25, 2012 at 5:34 am

Dude.
I love all of your answers.

I know where the pee comes from though. But that’s because working nights, I get bored and….
no. I’m fucking with you.

I don’t think any question I ask about men could ever truly be answered. I want to know everything.

Mayor Gia April 25, 2012 at 6:40 am

Hmm…I think those are spot on. As far as the woman with tight pants question, doesn’t that apply to men even more so? What happens to their junk when they wear tight hipster pants? Does it lose circulation? Does it fall asleep? CAN junk fall asleep? Do men get pins and needles in their penis??
Mayor Gia recently posted..I Have No Depth Perception

Jake April 25, 2012 at 12:48 pm

I don’t know about hipster pants, but yes, it’s got nerves, so it *can* fall asleep or get pins and needles. It’s fucking weird and also a little terrifying because it kind of feels like it’s going to fall off or turn into a zombie or something. Nobody wants a zombie penis.
Jake recently posted..This isn’t Lonely fucking Planet.

Front Desk Ninja April 26, 2012 at 3:34 am

Ah-mazing.
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Bill G. April 26, 2012 at 10:48 pm

I’ve never had my penis go to sleep, but there’s been a couple of times that I’ve had a nut get pinched just a little bit and go to sleep. It happened in high school when I was sitting in a class bored to death and half asleep. I didn’t notice anything (probably because the circulation is cut off and it’s just numb) until I stood up after class and something just didn’t feel right walking out into the hall. Then the pins and needles came. Yow! Try walking and keeping a straight face until you can get to somewhere a bit private when you have THAT going on in your nether regions. Not fun.

Hoody Hoo April 25, 2012 at 6:55 am

DUDE. THANK YOU. I cannot TELL you how many times I’ve asked Chuckweasel how he deals with his bits just being all “out there” all day, moving around and shit. He swears they don’t notice, but I CALL BULLSHIT!
Oh, and also, the pee? Pee comes from Santa.
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Abby April 25, 2012 at 6:57 am

You actually answered a few questions for me, mostly because I had never even thought of the questions before. I also don’t like jewelry or play with my tits, so now I’m beginning to wonder if I’m doing this “woman” thing wrong. Damn.

As for penises, I just say “eww.” Visually speaking, “the junk” is pretty much the grossest looking thing in the world and I don’t have any questions about it other than “why the hell does it have to look so gross?” However, there may be a bit of bitterness on my part, as I would love to be able to pee standing up without pissing down my own leg.
Abby recently posted..Bleep It Out

Stephanie April 25, 2012 at 7:23 am

I always wanted to be able to write my name in the snow, just once. But to have a penis just flopping around out there all the time (my husband says it doesn’t. I think he lies), no thanks. I’ll keep my vagina.

The pick-up line should be required reading for all men. Thank you!

Misty April 25, 2012 at 7:44 am

As to the size question . . . I think you hit this dead on re: even if it’s huge, you could be a bad lay. However, if it is super small and you can’t really feel it? Kinda makes a difference. Sorry, guys!!
Misty recently posted..Giving Sugar

Jen April 25, 2012 at 12:15 pm

I call bullshit. A big dick will save your ass every time if you have no game. Every. Damned. Time.
Jen recently posted..Prepping for Doomsday

Front Desk Ninja April 26, 2012 at 3:37 am

No it won’t.
It definitely helps, but big dicks are not total game savers.
I’ve had a bad lay with a big dick before. It was probably the saddest time ever for my vagina. It was all “hey, big dick! yay” and then ten seconds later, it was “oh.That’s it?”
Big dicks=/=good lay.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Blogger Fucks With My Shit. So Does Snow

Taryn April 25, 2012 at 8:09 am

I worked out for the first time in awhile yesterday and my abs hurt today. This post was hysterical and I was in excruciating pain while reading it but couldn’t stop.

And those damn lemurs…it’s like stepping into a cage fight EVERY DAMN DAY!

Emma April 25, 2012 at 8:10 am

I only know where the pee comes from because I had to be catheterized after surgery in the hospital once. It was the worst moment of my entire life ever. No one wants it.
Emma recently posted..Memory Foam Does It Better

thegirlfriendmom April 25, 2012 at 8:51 am

Too f’in funny. I’d like to know what circus tricks uncircumcised penis’s can do. My boyfriend should try out for the Penis Olympics, if it existed. That shit is whack.
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Jillian @ Brilliant Title April 25, 2012 at 8:54 am

My sports bra gave me blisters last week! BLISTERS! Do boob-lemurs have junk that I can punch them in? Or are they automatically female lemurs and now I’m a part of some boob-lemur cycle?
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..Like a Talk Show Without the Easy Chairs

Kelly April 25, 2012 at 8:58 am

My PMS was so bad this month that I cried reading the meme on the saddest whale in the world who sings at such a mhz that no other whales can hear her. Hubs finally figured out that PMS = insanity, and to give me a wide berth for practically two weeks out of the month. And he might have booked me a vacation in a padded room. I’m looking forward to it.
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Sarah April 25, 2012 at 9:13 am

The running/sports bras thing? Dead. On. And people why women hate to run or run awkwardly or buy the sports bras that costs hundreds of dollars. Seriously? Do you know how distracting it is to feel as if you are being repetitively punched in the chest? Gah!
Sarah recently posted..Honestly, It DOES Need a New Name…

Kella April 25, 2012 at 9:24 am

Dude, thank you for inventing Crotch Zombies. That is truly the most terrifying thing about this post. And I laughed so hard I peed. So there you have it: Pee comes from the laughter gland, which is triggered by crotch zombies, who reside in the tight pants you bastards bought us for our last anniversary!
Kella recently posted..Two Police Boxes Walk Into a Bar…

Starle April 25, 2012 at 10:39 am

BWHAHAHAHhahaha! Oh!
Starle recently posted..I give up England, you win! Uncle! Uncle!

Kella April 25, 2012 at 10:31 pm

I, for one, welcome our new undead genital overlords.
Kella recently posted..Two Police Boxes Walk Into a Bar…

Ally April 25, 2012 at 10:01 am

My favorite question to ask dudes is “Have you ever smacked a bitch in the face with your dick?”
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Lilscorpiosweet April 25, 2012 at 1:56 pm

I got smacked in the face with a dick once.. and it was only once because then I slapped his dick.. and was like how’s that feel fucker!?

He didn’t do it again.
Lilscorpiosweet recently posted..Tattoos revisited

Megan April 25, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Wait, am I the only one that’s been Alarm Cocked? Well that’s embarrassing.

Bill G. April 26, 2012 at 10:52 pm

COCK-SLAP-O-GRAMS.

L-Kat April 25, 2012 at 10:13 am

One of the benefits of having a flat chest: I can run all damn day and never get punched by lemurs.

And, without going into detail (because it still creeps me out), size does matter. A grown man should have an adult sized penis.
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CrazyTragicAlmostMagic April 25, 2012 at 10:24 am

“Just say, ”hi, I’m _____.” THAT’S ALL IT FUCKING TAKES, YO.”

Can we get this on a billboard in every major city please?!
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Jillian @ Brilliant Title April 25, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Yeah, I still need to work on that…
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..Like a Talk Show Without the Easy Chairs

Gigi April 25, 2012 at 10:37 am

Re: jewelry

The answer is variety! You can own only two pairs of clothes and always look different if you own 200 jewels.

Re: where the pee comes from
Not the same hole that the penis goes in. This is a clarification that, apparently, needs to be made. “Well, if you wore a tampon, you could just pee and not get up at night.” – My Ex, High School Dropout

Starle April 25, 2012 at 10:37 am

I love my boobs and I have totally compared them with friends. One time my friend and I did it on the sidewalk. I think we had both been nursing babies for so damn long that we gave no fucks who saw them anymore. I will never understand how girls jog. Never. Mine hurt me when I walk up the stairs. Sigh.
Starle recently posted..I give up England, you win! Uncle! Uncle!

Jana April 25, 2012 at 10:42 am

I always wonder if it REAAAALLLY hurts them when you accidently brush by the penis area. Once I did that to my hubby, and he was hunched over retching for a good 30 minutes. Seriously, how do you walk, run, jog, bend over if just my hand passing wind touches it. Babies….I gave birth….trying pulling that out of your ass.
Jana recently posted..Verily, its all about the Va-jay-jay

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd April 25, 2012 at 11:18 am

Running with big boobs is like uncomfortably beating physics – what should have flown off your body in the first few steps hangs on for dear life like a drunk bar patron hangs on to a mechanical bull.
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Jaime April 25, 2012 at 11:20 am

sounds right on every count…

I have compared boobs with friends ala “The Sweetest Thing”
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Jen April 25, 2012 at 12:17 pm

And why are men so fascinated with girl-on-girl action? I can guaran-fuckin-tee you there isn’t a woman alive who’s going to cream her jeans at the sight of two guys bumping uglies. ((shudder))
Jen recently posted..Prepping for Doomsday

Jillian @ Brilliant Title April 25, 2012 at 5:56 pm

I’m told that it’s because two girls are engaging in sexy-time activities with no men to get in the way of that image. And that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, which is why it has no appeal for women.
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..Like a Talk Show Without the Easy Chairs

Andi Davies April 25, 2012 at 8:51 pm

Um, Jen…..*raises hand* I would be that girl.
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Eleanor April 25, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Sooo…..looks like it is just me who has the pinchy problem. I can’t wear jeans without full sized underwear because of that problem. And here I thought I was normal.
Eleanor recently posted..Crappy post to motivate me to do more

Christine April 25, 2012 at 1:49 pm

You forgot to mention cramps. Like those lemurs are armed with knives and are scraping your insides, then stabbing, then scraping, then stabbing. (Please just kill me, already!)

Bill G. April 26, 2012 at 10:58 pm

I’ve had cramps in my calves before. I couldn’t imagine having that going on in my nads. I’d be fired from my job faster than you could say Jack Robinson because I’d be in no mood to deal with ANYBODY and would probably wind up throwing something heavy at my boss’s head.

Lilscorpiosweet April 25, 2012 at 2:03 pm

I think you covered everything..

I have asked the occasional question to random strangers .. So is it a guy thing to reach for your fly before you reach the stall or do you reach for your fly after you reach the stall?.. I shit you not, I was walking past the men’s room as a male coworker was going inside and I swear to God that he reached for his fly before the stall. So I have a feeling it depends on how bad he has to pee.

The guys I asked were mortified with the exception of my boyfriend who now totally thinks about that stuff when he has to go.
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Chris April 25, 2012 at 2:27 pm

The pee hole is up high. The baby hole is in the middle. The poo hole is down in back.

Kella April 25, 2012 at 10:17 pm

Actually, what most people don’t know is that the pee hole is NOT actually behind the clitoris, or near it in any way.

It’s inside your Vag’. Like, near the entrance.

How do I know?

a.) Gray’s Anatomy

b.) I got a tampon stuck in there when I was 12.
Kella recently posted..Two Police Boxes Walk Into a Bar…

Rosa April 25, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Holy shit. My husband asks me bizarre questions about my lady bits on a regular basis. He’s an inquisitive one. Things I’ve never even thought about b/c they’ve always just BEEN there. Then he’s astounded when I don’t automatically know the answers to his questions. Like, what my goodies look like from his vantage point. I’m not a contortionist! I can’t see that shit!
And….fart hiding? No way. Men don’t hide them, they advertise them!

Bill G. April 26, 2012 at 11:02 pm

My wife gets upset when I fart loudly and then say, “That was an airplane,” or “That was a train.” I also give her the Kevin Nealon line, “That was from the outside or from you yourself.”

nadine April 25, 2012 at 2:31 pm

i wish i had a ghostbusters trap for my farts today. i had chipotle for lunch.
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Valerie April 25, 2012 at 5:12 pm

If I were a dude, I would run around pitching a tent and poking things with my dick all day!!! Then, as my grand finale, I would ejaculate confetti into the crowd.

Man… I would be an awesome guy…
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Kaz April 25, 2012 at 5:42 pm

I think what is so great about jewellery is the same thing that is so great about shoes,
no matter whether you gain or lose weight they usually will be the only things that still fit properly.
And they can be shiny and pretty.

Jackie G April 25, 2012 at 7:07 pm

I’m in nursing school and have had to shove catheters up pee holes, so technically I know where they are but at the same time there was only lady who had a pee hole in the complete wrong place so now I don’t know what to believe in.

I also have endometriosis (God hates me) and so it’s like PMSing but basically forever and with horrible pain that usually happens after sex. I’ve been known to cry at Google commercials, and throw things at my husband for commenting on it. I’ve trained my husband well enough that he knows to get me a percocet and a glass of wine in about 10 seconds flat, and that usually calms the crazy.

The Six-Fingered Monkey April 25, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Everything makes sense now… and I TOTALLY hide my farts…. under the covers… and then I force The Girlfriend to play hide and seek. I know, I’m a sick fuck.

Andi Davies April 25, 2012 at 8:55 pm

As for the size question — size matters, but my honest answer based on my experience and that of my friends? Normal or slightly smaller is better than bigger. Because with smaller guys, you can do funky positions. You can do bizarre Cosmo stuff. Hell, you can do anal if that flips your wig. With guys on the big end of normal? There are gonna be limits, serious limits. Because the cervix is the closest thing we have to balls, and getting your cervix hit during sex is like having your balls punched. AAAAGH.
Andi Davies recently posted..The Coachella Shorts

ThatWhiteGirl April 25, 2012 at 9:08 pm

I think it would be so weird being the owner of a penis. Boobs, sure they stick out and get in the way sometimes, but mostly they just sit there. But a penis… man… you just got this thing flopping around with these other two things attached to it and you gotta be aware of how you put on and take off your pants. Seems like a lot of work.
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Bill G. April 26, 2012 at 11:08 pm

It really sucks when I sit down and pinch a nut. Especially when I’m just sitting down to a meeting with my female 3rd level supervisor, so I can’t contort my face and yell, “Ow, FUCK!” I will say YOW! and blame it on a bumped elbow or calf cramp or something, but the reaction has to be very toned-down.

Robyn April 25, 2012 at 10:11 pm

My last gyno visit didn’t go so well. She got in position, and then told me that, and I quote, “There’s a gnat in here!”

I told her that I just had the required shower before the gyno visit. She swore she meant there was a gnat in the room, but shit, how could I believe her after she was between my knees, probbing around?

Jana April 25, 2012 at 10:25 pm

Totally gives new meaning to the “dusty vagina” I am sorry that she said that to you. (well, secretly I snorted laughing, but it does suck)
Jana recently posted..Verily, its all about the Va-jay-jay

Robyn April 25, 2012 at 11:42 pm

No biggie, I laugh about it now, I did then too! That’s the first time I’ve ever seen a doctor get flustered, hell, even the nurse laughed!

Then I told her if she went any deeper, it would damn well be considered spelunking.

Kella April 26, 2012 at 12:59 am

Jesus. And here I thought it was bad when, several years ago, I was having my first Mirena removed by the Planned Parenthood gyno (who was a 65-70 year old man, btw) and he pauses and says hesitantly:

Uh… do you… uh… have rough sex often?

… /creepedthefuckout

He then proceeds to pull the damned thing out and it was upside-down and twisted over itself. He politely informed me that when they put them in, they expect them returned in the same condition.

(By the way, this would be a neat lead-in to why size can be a problem…)
Kella recently posted..Two Police Boxes Walk Into a Bar…

Robyn April 26, 2012 at 5:38 pm

You should tell him that if he wanted it back the way it was, they should put a damned warranty on those things!!

Myrtle April 26, 2012 at 3:05 am

For me it is not easy to be a lady.. Having a period every once in a month until you reached 50 or so.. Then you will even carry a child at your tummy for 9 months.. We are definitely a great person..
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Artemisia April 26, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Once (and just once) a guy friend asked me what cramps/your period felt like. I told him to take his scrotum and rest it on a table. Now, place a Webster’s dictionary on top of your scrotum. Leave it there for three days.
He did not ask any follow-up questions.

Kella April 27, 2012 at 6:59 am

I do love your response…
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Monica April 27, 2012 at 8:24 am

I’m not sure why guys get hung up on dick size. There’s way too small, and there’s way too big (which can be relative to whether the woman’s vagina is cavernous or not), but most men fall in the “just fine” zone.

funny or tragic April 27, 2012 at 11:57 pm

I have seen a few naked men in my day, and I have watched, utterly perplexed as their balls rearrange themselves like some fleshy lava lamp. I gotta know…do they FEEL that? Do they have the urge to straighten them out? Because it looks weird as shit.
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Carri April 28, 2012 at 11:00 am

If anyone asked me if my boobs itched like a set of balls, I’d punch them in the taint. Boobs (unlike balls) are smooth, hairless and do not have 5lbs of extra saggy skin on them. NO MY FUCKING BOOBS DO NOT ITCH.

OK, yeah they do sometimes.
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CoreyFerns April 29, 2012 at 6:36 am

I think I know where that ‘pinch your vagina’ while sitting down question came from…

and YOUCH…is all I have to say.
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Melodie February 14, 2013 at 2:59 pm

My boobs are much too small to even move when I poke them intentionally. Also sports bras are awesome. I feel all contained and squished down. It’s great! But then again, I go around dressed as a dude sometimes for conventions, so…(I cosplay, in case anyone knows what that is. Not because I like fucking with people. Although that’s fun too.)

My poor friend Michelle. G cups on a narrow frame. She constantly looks like she weighs 100lbs more than she does because she has to buy shirts to fit her boobs and not her body. Eeep. If mine were like that I’d chop them off. No lie.

And I never really understood the appeal of jewelry either. Until my Dad gave me the cross necklace he’s had for 20 years as a graduation present. I never take it off and now another necklace, a bracelet, and a ring have made there way into my daily ensemble. I need one more ring for my opposite hand to complete the set though. Right now I feel mildy unbalanced.

So with jewelry, I’d have to say it’s probably a gateway thing. You start with one and then the floodgates open.

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