I am too old and have been married too long to admit this, but I’m still fascinated with how men handle owning a dick.
I imagine that being the owner of a penis is not unlike carrying a surly, temperamental middle-aged man around in your crotch. He’s drunk half the time, he insults you, and picks fights constantly. The way men talk about them, their dicks are total assh0les.
I have no idea what it’s like to be a dude. I can only go by my experience, and having tits is decidedly very different than having a deflated elephant ’round your crotchal region. I assume. I really have no idea, being the proud owner of a vagina and all.
I recently started asking what men wondered about being a lady, and I was surprised at the questions. Namely, the lack of fashion and dating questions that I expected (why purses? do I hold open the door? why shoes? who pays? why weird dresses?) and more along the lines of “How the fuck do your bodies work?”
What’s it like to have PMS?
Just the other day, I cried at a Nike commercial while eating Mac ‘n Cheese alone, and then I yelled at my cat for existing.
What’s it like to have a period?
It’s just like waiting for bills in the mail, but if your mailman hatefully threw them at your face at the most unexpected times.
If you don’t get yours this month, you panic and you’re pissed, and if you do get it, you’re just pissed. Either way, you’re bleeding profusely.
Is the gynecologist really that bad?
Go get undressed, lay down on the very edge of your bed with your ass hanging off, but put your heels up on the edge as wide as you can spread your legs. For the love of God, DO. NOT. FART. (and now that you’re thinking about it, you will have to.) Invite a couple of well-educated strangers to poke your asshole while making awkward small-talk jokes for 20 minutes. Remain there with your dick in the breeze while the stranger judgmentally lectures you about safe sex while standing over you.
Yes. It’s very bad.
Do you just play with your boobs all day?
Not all day. I do catch myself holding my boobs when I think, and I use them to clean off the screen of my phone. That was much more awkward when I worked for AT&T and regularly (unconsciously) did it to customer’s phones.
Do they itch like balls do?
Yes. And it’s just as awkward to scratch them. If you see a woman slide her forearm across her chest while reaching for something, her boobs itch something fierce.
Do you get sick of getting hard nipples in cold weather?
After a while it’s pretty annoying. I imagine it’s to having a boner for a really long time. Isn’t that annoying after a while if you’re just trying to buy groceries? Doesn’t it chafe?
Do you ever pinch your vagina by accident (like when walking/sitting too fast)?
No, but OUCH, MAN. OUCH. God, does that happen to you? That sounds JUST AWFUL. That said, I have accidentally split a fence or two, and that shit HURTS.
Does your labia jiggle like balls do?
No, but WEIRD, MAN. WEIRD. I hear there are some ladies with long-ass labias, so I guess theirs do.
Honestly, do you really care how big it is?
Like a pole-vaulter with the longest, strongest pole ever made: the pole matters less if you’re actually attentive and skilled overall. Having a huge dick gets you nowhere if you’re terrible in bed.
Where does the pee come from?
Totally embarrassing but, honestly? I have no idea. Somewhere down there. I, logically, know what it’s like with the distribution and such, but I won’t be bothered to poke around my crotch for an hour until I can pin it like a Donkey Tail.
Where do you hide your farts?
1) Dudes have places they hide their farts? Like a jar or a closet?
2) When alone, we’re just as gross as dudes
3) Seriously, is it like a Ghostbuster’s trap or something?
4) Girls learn early in life not to fart. The second we close the door when we’re home, it’s on, though.
5) Old ladies NEVER hide farts.
What’s so great about jewelry?
Even I don’t know the answer to this one, and I wear a shitload of jewelry. You won’t delete shit off of DVR’s, I wear jewelry. We deal with it.
Do you look for men with big feet?
No–we know that’s bullshit. Also the thing about noses, or hands, or ears. You assholes can just look at our chests. If we think you might have a huge wang, we have to have some goddamn faith.
Are sexy pillow fights a thing?
I’ve never had a sexy pillow fight. I’ve had pillow fights that end up in broken noses and smashed windows. If that’s your thing, then yes, we do have sexy pillow fights.
Did you ever compare breasts with friends?
I’ve never whipped out my tits for a friend to judge, but I know friends who have. I’d be lying if I didn’t notice another woman’s nicely-done boobs now and then. We all wonder if ours are normal-looking.
Do you lose circulation wearing tight pants?
Yes. It feels like weak zombies trying to take you out all day long–annoying and vaguely frightening.
Does the car he drives matter?
Depends on the girl, depends on the situation. I wouldn’t bust a guy about a car, but if it’s clear you made no effort to clean it before picking me up, I’ll judge the ever living shit out of you.
Is there a pickup line that works?
Pickups lines are verbal equivalent of windowless vans. Just say, “hi, I’m _____.” THAT’S ALL IT FUCKING TAKES, YO.
How much do you weigh, really?
How big is your dick, really? No one asks for a reason.
What’s it like to run with boobs?
Without a sports bra: like being repeatedly punched in the ribcage by two aggressive lemurs with superiority complexes. If you’re wearing a sports bra, it feels like those lemurs are forcing your tits concave so they can eat oatmeal and severed fingers from your mangled chest. Generally, horribly unpleasant.
Those lemurs will be the death of me.
Did I get any answers wrong? Were there questions you’ve always wondered about men/women? Has anyone ever asked you a question like this? What did you say?– Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Starle: “That was so fucking horrible. I think I may have scarred my 9 year old by making her watch this and then reading your scathing commentary. At one part of the video she was actually digging her fingernails into her forehead with her mouth open. I win at parenting.”