There are greeting cards for almost every occasion. I once saw a card for a Cat’s Funeral, and one with the entirely-too-specific description, “from the three of us.” If it’s from 4 or 5 of you, you’re totally fucked, because the only one available was for a Threesome that wishes you the happiest of birthdays.
Sadly, there aren’t cards for every occasion.
So I made these.
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What greeting card would you like to see and who would you give it to? Have you ever seen/received any weird ones in real life?
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This Friday at 6 PM CST, Alicia and I will be interviewing Dana from Reasoning With Vampires. We’ll be making fun of Twilight and Porn, and it will be awesome. You can listen live and chat with us here! You can also listen to past podcasts here.
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Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Dana The Biped: “I’m not anorexic, I’m not! I’m just too socially awkward to–well–never mind. Er, how’s your mom?”
I also wrote these. You might like them.
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Outside-’Congratulations…You’re not a Father…’
Inside- ‘I may have given you herpes though…Oops.’
Outside-’I'm Sorry for trying THAT in bed last night’
Inside – ‘Would you be open to it if I did you a favour?’
CoreyFerns recently posted..Sunday, 8th November 2009
Hahahah those are fantastic. Especially the second one.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Animals and March Madness!!
I concur!
@Corey: I LOVE the second one. That is truly fantastic. “Hey, sorry I put it in your butt without asking. If I get you a frappucino…then?”
Haha I love the cornbread one. Pinterest snark is ridiculous.
These would be good someecards.com – although I loved it when it first came out years ago and now that it’s kind of a free for all it’s crazy.
love these :) my funniest card that I sent that was a someecard that said “thank you for coming on my tummy” or something. antipregnancy card, gross, and funny.
Pish Posh recently posted..Look Away! It’s Girly Pinterest Time
I’m so tired of people being assholes on Pinterest. “I love jesus.” “FUCK YOU FOR LOVING HIM.” Really, y’all? Live and let live. You don’t have to love their choice of pin, just lay the fuck off already.
I swear to God, Pinterest is the new YouTube.
I am without snark today. At least, funny snark. I have stabby feelings right now,
and super sleepy and super stressy.
I still haven’t died, though, which is a way better assessment than I thought I’d be able to say today.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..No Clever Title, Just Word Vomit
I have been lacking in the snark for a couple of months, and it’s painful. I empathize. I drink with you. We lament together.
You’re alive. And I’m very grateful for that.
A friend once sent a great card to her mom, who’d been pressuring her to “start a family”). It had a picture of a pregnant woman and the words “Guess what?” on the front, and “I’m still not pregnant” on the inside.
Laura recently posted..March Madness! A Pop Quiz
I MUST HAVE THIS CARD.
I’m very very tired of, “when is it baby time!” Uh, it’s baby time when you pop one out, bitch.
Outside of card: The only certain things in life are death and taxes.
Inside of card: Congrats on not getting audited! Sorry about the other thing, though.
Outside of card: Some days you’re the windshield, and some days you’re the bug.
Inside of card: But very few people can claim that they were hit by a bus and live to tell the tale!
Outside of card: Commitment is a major step on the road through life.
Inside of card: Wishing you some slack in your straight jacket.
Mandi E. recently posted..Meaningful Discourse from the Idiots Savant
“Outside of card: Commitment is a major step on the road through life.
Inside of card: Wishing you some slack in your straight jacket.”
That was fucking glorious. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Also, I may be sending this to my sister.
I need that last one. Mother’s Day IS coming up, after all.
Misty recently posted..Testing, testing . . .
It’s also available with a solid pound of loose glitter inside!
I just gave a baby shower card to my friend that said: I’M SO GLAD THAT YOU’RE PREGNANT and I’m not.
I like your cards, Noa. You could totally get a job at Hallmark in the department ‘A different kind of crying’.
Johi recently posted..But I drive so well!
‘A different kind of crying’ totally sounds like a Hallmark special on tourette’s or something like that.
Also, I’d like to be involved in a project like that in any way.
Outside: YOU’RE INVITED!!!
Inside: To rehab. You have one hour to pack a bag and say goodbyes. See you in 90 days.
Outside: I’ll make sweet love to you down by the fire…
Inside: As soon as the Valtrex kicks in.
Outside: You’re going to be a DADDY!
Inside: I think it’s yours…?
Outside: So you’re going to college…
Inside: Try not to spend all of your scholarship money on booze and condoms. You still need to eat, after all.
Kelly recently posted..Ten years ago yesterday…
I hrrccckkked at the Valtrex one, even though it had me in tears laughing. I just imagine Burt Reynolds laying on his bearskin rug saying that to me and I gets the heebies.
Was he chewing gum? Was he eastbound and down? OMG – I JUST FIGURED OUT THE TRUE MEANING TO THAT SONG. AND I VOMMED ALL OVER MY COUCH.
Kelly recently posted..Ten years ago yesterday…
I’m crying in my kitchen laughing at this. You just made my whole day.
I’m sorry that you put so much time and effort into your March Madness Bracket……..only to lose to the bitch who picked teams based upon their school colors.
L-Kat recently posted..Dating application
Those fucking bitches and their color-brackets make me rage with the fire of Katniss Everdeen’s ovaries.
Outside: Sorry for your loss
Inside: But really, crack whores die frequently
Outside: You had a baby!!
Inside: In 18 years, I will be voting for him on the Darwin awards
Jana recently posted..Short ASS
I very much lament the loss of my crackwhore, who used to sleep on a porch outside my apartment and frequently left her things under the bushes. Oh Porchy VonCracksmack.
Also–totally true story.
I never thought I’d be so excited to see the words “transvaginal mesh.”
Some things are just worth waiting for.
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..The "M" Word
I thought of you as I wrote that.
Outside: I know you’re the type of person who likes getting cards and thinks it’s important.
Inside: So here.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..The Calendar on My Wall Reminded Me…
You MUST send that to Hallmark, because DAMN.
Outside–What
Inside–Is up, bitch?
Outside–It’s Your Birthday!
Inside–La de f’in dah.
Outside–So, You’re Having a baby?
Inside–Whore
Outside–Congratulations on the wedding
Inside–Knocked up, huh?
I wish I could say I created these, but I saw then all in a store. After I finished peeing my pants, I was furious I hadn’t made them myself.
Margaret recently posted..A Major Award!
I’m actually pretty mad that none of my friends or family sent me the knocked up one for my wedding. Not that it would have been appropriate, but that I would have fucking loved it.
These cards seem fun. I need the one that says “You’re moms SECOND FAVORITE!” My brother deserves that card.
Thanks for sharing.
-Betina
Betina Alex recently posted..how to get a girlfriend
Mother. Fucking. Spammers.
You are a crafty-ass ho.
Outside: To my dearest friend
Inside: I’m sorry I slept with your dad. That’s kind of weird.
Outside: A little bird told me something awesome…
Inside: Congratulations on the dropped charges!
Outside: What is sweet, fluffy, and lit up on your birthday?
Inside: Your mom.
Dana the Biped recently posted..I Am a Walking Slapstick Routine
This.
Outside: A little bird told me something awesome…
Inside: Congratulations on the dropped charges!
So much this.
Hallmark had better watch it’s back.
Personally, I’ve always longed for a card that read (front)”Sorry I sat on your face and never called you back” (inside) “I just didn’t like the way your dog kept watching me.”
Britt recently posted..Yes, I Can See Your Tampon String.
It’s when his nose gets you on the ass that makes me want to leave.
Not that it’s happened to me.
For the Graduate
Outside: Congrats!
Inside: Now get off my couch and go find a fucking job, slacker!
pippi (formerly known as Mamy) recently posted..Delivery vs. a Zombie 5K
Awww, the card we all need!
I can’t make any cards for you because I’m busy trying to figure out why Labia is a male. Are you following the French, who’ve made the vagina masculine? I’m not even kidding about this. Anyone who tells me French is a more logical language than English can suck it because THEY MADE THE VAGINA MASCULINE. Le Vagin. My lady parts are girly, all the way. What the hell, they’re even pink!
Andi Davies recently posted..Whoops, Naked People
Holy shit. That’s a really spectacular way to say what our republican party is doing to well with right now. “Is that your vagina? NOPE IT’S MINE NOW.” Why did that happen?
Oh, because they’re French.
Also, I chose Mr. because of Reagan. REAGAN SMASH.
OUTSIDE: I know you’re going through a tough time right now…
INSIDE: Thanks for not talking about it and harshing my buzz.
OUTSIDE: You are beautiful!
INSIDE: It almost makes up for the fact that you’re as dumb as a bag of hair.
OUTSIDE: You are the kindest, sweetest, and most amazing person I know.
INSIDE: April Fool’s, Whore.
Jen recently posted..Office Skank Shenanigans, Huzzah!
Is it bad that I really really need the first one to give to so many people I know?
I would definitely buy your cards. In fact, I’ll be sending this link to Hallmark for their consideration of your talents…
Love all of them!
Miles & Musings recently posted..Operation 6-Pack and Hump Day Ha-Ha’s
Why thank you very much!
Outside: Congratulations, It’s A Boy!!
Inside: Welcome to Bangkok.
Outside: In Loving Remembrance
Inside: Of Last Night’s Cheap Motel Sex.
Outside: You’re Moving!!
Inside: I was sure that last hit had killed you.
Outside: On Our Wedding Anniversary x
Inside: I promise to make an effort not to look as dead inside as I feel. Whore.
socialassassin recently posted..You’re simply the Breast.
I nearly pissed myself reading the first one. HOLY SHIT that one was funny.
Outside: I’ll be missing You!
Inside: Be glad the scope is broken on my rifle.
Sorry, I have to give credit to Emo Phillips for that one.
Dave
Dave in Sherman recently posted..Week #10
Still loved it!
Outside: Happy 18th Birthday, Son!
Inside: Get out.
Sedge | noob-dad recently posted..The Unbearable Wait For Your Baby
I find it lovely that we all have the same sentiments for our 18 year olds. “Shut the fuck up and get the fuck out.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I need the debate about the cornbread and religious debate. It sort of fits for FB posts, too. Why the fuck do you have to talk about abortion on my goddamn post telling everyone that I’m getting a fucking frappacino?
Charity Woosley recently posted..Awesomeness, wrapped in baddassery, topped with rad and smothered in winsauce
Because I have nothing to do with my life than actively argue with all people always on all forums.
Outside: Congratulations on your engagement!!!
Inside: Thank you for making me feel fat and alone…
Outside: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Inside: Your mother and I want you to know you were an accident. Please remember to have safe sex.
Valerie recently posted..Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs are making my ass fat
I want to send that last one to everyone I know.
Then there’s the old classic:
Outside: “Jesus loves you.”
Inside: “Everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.”
Well, it’s the goddamn truth.
These gems made me go visit your store and I don’t see them! Why Noa?
These fucking rock. Well, I may change my opinion if someone actually sends me one.
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..Monday Dare: Are you a runner? And not the kind on a treadmill.
Your birthday is coming up.
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