My Deepest Sympathies To Your Blackened Soul

03/21/2012 · 60 comments

in I Want This., I'm A Terrible Person, Sadist Vagina

There are greeting cards for almost every occasion. I once saw a card for a Cat’s Funeral, and one with the entirely-too-specific description, “from the three of us.” If it’s from 4 or 5 of you, you’re totally fucked, because the only one available was for a Threesome that wishes you the happiest of birthdays.

Sadly, there aren’t cards for every occasion.

So I made these.

What greeting card would you like to see and who would you give it to? Have you ever seen/received any weird ones in real life?
This Friday at 6 PM CST, Alicia and I will be interviewing Dana from Reasoning With Vampires. We’ll be making fun of Twilight and Porn, and it will be awesome. You can listen live and chat with us here! You can also listen to past podcasts here
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Dana The Biped: “I’m not anorexic, I’m not! I’m just too socially awkward to–well–never mind. Er, how’s your mom?”
CoreyFerns March 21, 2012 at 2:21 am

Outside-‘Congratulations…You’re not a Father…’
Inside- ‘I may have given you herpes though…Oops.’

Outside-‘I’m Sorry for trying THAT in bed last night’
Inside – ‘Would you be open to it if I did you a favour?’
CoreyFerns recently posted..Sunday, 8th November 2009

Mayor Gia March 21, 2012 at 6:51 am

Hahahah those are fantastic. Especially the second one.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Animals and March Madness!!

Noa March 22, 2012 at 1:16 am

I concur!

Noa March 22, 2012 at 1:16 am

@Corey: I LOVE the second one. That is truly fantastic. “Hey, sorry I put it in your butt without asking. If I get you a frappucino…then?”

Pish Posh March 21, 2012 at 3:50 am

Haha I love the cornbread one. Pinterest snark is ridiculous.

These would be good – although I loved it when it first came out years ago and now that it’s kind of a free for all it’s crazy.

love these :) my funniest card that I sent that was a someecard that said “thank you for coming on my tummy” or something. antipregnancy card, gross, and funny.
Pish Posh recently posted..Look Away! It’s Girly Pinterest Time

Noa March 22, 2012 at 1:18 am

I’m so tired of people being assholes on Pinterest. “I love jesus.” “FUCK YOU FOR LOVING HIM.” Really, y’all? Live and let live. You don’t have to love their choice of pin, just lay the fuck off already.

I swear to God, Pinterest is the new YouTube.

Front Desk Ninja March 21, 2012 at 4:06 am

I am without snark today. At least, funny snark. I have stabby feelings right now,
and super sleepy and super stressy.

I still haven’t died, though, which is a way better assessment than I thought I’d be able to say today.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..No Clever Title, Just Word Vomit

Noa March 22, 2012 at 1:19 am

I have been lacking in the snark for a couple of months, and it’s painful. I empathize. I drink with you. We lament together.

You’re alive. And I’m very grateful for that.

Laura March 21, 2012 at 5:43 am

A friend once sent a great card to her mom, who’d been pressuring her to “start a family”). It had a picture of a pregnant woman and the words “Guess what?” on the front, and “I’m still not pregnant” on the inside.
Laura recently posted..March Madness! A Pop Quiz

Noa March 22, 2012 at 1:20 am


I’m very very tired of, “when is it baby time!” Uh, it’s baby time when you pop one out, bitch.

Mandi E. March 21, 2012 at 6:55 am

Outside of card: The only certain things in life are death and taxes.
Inside of card: Congrats on not getting audited! Sorry about the other thing, though.

Outside of card: Some days you’re the windshield, and some days you’re the bug.
Inside of card: But very few people can claim that they were hit by a bus and live to tell the tale!

Outside of card: Commitment is a major step on the road through life.
Inside of card: Wishing you some slack in your straight jacket.
Mandi E. recently posted..Meaningful Discourse from the Idiots Savant

Noa March 22, 2012 at 1:22 am

“Outside of card: Commitment is a major step on the road through life.
Inside of card: Wishing you some slack in your straight jacket.”

That was fucking glorious. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Also, I may be sending this to my sister.

Misty March 21, 2012 at 7:42 am

I need that last one. Mother’s Day IS coming up, after all.
Misty recently posted..Testing, testing . . .

Noa March 22, 2012 at 1:22 am

It’s also available with a solid pound of loose glitter inside!

Johi March 21, 2012 at 8:37 am

I just gave a baby shower card to my friend that said: I’M SO GLAD THAT YOU’RE PREGNANT and I’m not.

I like your cards, Noa. You could totally get a job at Hallmark in the department ‘A different kind of crying’.
Johi recently posted..But I drive so well!

Noa March 22, 2012 at 1:23 am

‘A different kind of crying’ totally sounds like a Hallmark special on tourette’s or something like that.

Also, I’d like to be involved in a project like that in any way.

Kelly March 21, 2012 at 8:40 am

Outside: YOU’RE INVITED!!!
Inside: To rehab. You have one hour to pack a bag and say goodbyes. See you in 90 days.

Outside: I’ll make sweet love to you down by the fire…
Inside: As soon as the Valtrex kicks in.

Outside: You’re going to be a DADDY!
Inside: I think it’s yours…?

Outside: So you’re going to college…
Inside: Try not to spend all of your scholarship money on booze and condoms. You still need to eat, after all.
Kelly recently posted..Ten years ago yesterday…

Noa March 22, 2012 at 1:24 am

I hrrccckkked at the Valtrex one, even though it had me in tears laughing. I just imagine Burt Reynolds laying on his bearskin rug saying that to me and I gets the heebies.

Kelly March 22, 2012 at 8:30 am

Kelly recently posted..Ten years ago yesterday…

Noa March 22, 2012 at 5:53 pm

I’m crying in my kitchen laughing at this. You just made my whole day.

L-Kat March 21, 2012 at 9:26 am

I’m sorry that you put so much time and effort into your March Madness Bracket……..only to lose to the bitch who picked teams based upon their school colors.
L-Kat recently posted..Dating application

Noa March 22, 2012 at 1:25 am

Those fucking bitches and their color-brackets make me rage with the fire of Katniss Everdeen’s ovaries.

Jana March 21, 2012 at 9:31 am

Outside: Sorry for your loss
Inside: But really, crack whores die frequently

Outside: You had a baby!!
Inside: In 18 years, I will be voting for him on the Darwin awards
Jana recently posted..Short ASS

Noa March 22, 2012 at 1:26 am

I very much lament the loss of my crackwhore, who used to sleep on a porch outside my apartment and frequently left her things under the bushes. Oh Porchy VonCracksmack.

Also–totally true story.

Jillian @ Brilliant Title March 21, 2012 at 9:53 am

I never thought I’d be so excited to see the words “transvaginal mesh.”

Some things are just worth waiting for.
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Noa March 22, 2012 at 1:33 am

I thought of you as I wrote that.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd March 21, 2012 at 10:49 am

Outside: I know you’re the type of person who likes getting cards and thinks it’s important.
Inside: So here.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..The Calendar on My Wall Reminded Me…

Noa March 22, 2012 at 1:35 am

You MUST send that to Hallmark, because DAMN.

Margaret March 21, 2012 at 10:58 am

Inside–Is up, bitch?

Outside–It’s Your Birthday!
Inside–La de f’in dah.

Outside–So, You’re Having a baby?

Outside–Congratulations on the wedding
Inside–Knocked up, huh?

I wish I could say I created these, but I saw then all in a store. After I finished peeing my pants, I was furious I hadn’t made them myself.
Margaret recently posted..A Major Award!

Noa March 22, 2012 at 1:37 am

I’m actually pretty mad that none of my friends or family sent me the knocked up one for my wedding. Not that it would have been appropriate, but that I would have fucking loved it.

Betina Alex March 21, 2012 at 11:29 am

These cards seem fun. I need the one that says “You’re moms SECOND FAVORITE!” My brother deserves that card.

Thanks for sharing.

Betina Alex recently to get a girlfriend

Noa March 22, 2012 at 1:37 am

Mother. Fucking. Spammers.

You are a crafty-ass ho.

Dana the Biped March 21, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Outside: To my dearest friend
Inside: I’m sorry I slept with your dad. That’s kind of weird.

Outside: A little bird told me something awesome…
Inside: Congratulations on the dropped charges!

Outside: What is sweet, fluffy, and lit up on your birthday?
Inside: Your mom.
Dana the Biped recently posted..I Am a Walking Slapstick Routine

Noa March 22, 2012 at 1:39 am


Outside: A little bird told me something awesome…
Inside: Congratulations on the dropped charges!

So much this.

Britt March 21, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Hallmark had better watch it’s back.
Personally, I’ve always longed for a card that read (front)”Sorry I sat on your face and never called you back” (inside) “I just didn’t like the way your dog kept watching me.”
Britt recently posted..Yes, I Can See Your Tampon String.

Noa March 22, 2012 at 1:42 am

It’s when his nose gets you on the ass that makes me want to leave.

Not that it’s happened to me.

pippi (formerly known as Mamy) March 21, 2012 at 12:48 pm

For the Graduate
Outside: Congrats!
Inside: Now get off my couch and go find a fucking job, slacker!
pippi (formerly known as Mamy) recently posted..Delivery vs. a Zombie 5K

Noa March 22, 2012 at 1:43 am

Awww, the card we all need!

Andi Davies March 21, 2012 at 1:32 pm

I can’t make any cards for you because I’m busy trying to figure out why Labia is a male. Are you following the French, who’ve made the vagina masculine? I’m not even kidding about this. Anyone who tells me French is a more logical language than English can suck it because THEY MADE THE VAGINA MASCULINE. Le Vagin. My lady parts are girly, all the way. What the hell, they’re even pink!
Andi Davies recently posted..Whoops, Naked People

Noa March 22, 2012 at 1:45 am

Holy shit. That’s a really spectacular way to say what our republican party is doing to well with right now. “Is that your vagina? NOPE IT’S MINE NOW.” Why did that happen?

Oh, because they’re French.

Noa March 22, 2012 at 1:51 am

Also, I chose Mr. because of Reagan. REAGAN SMASH.

Jen March 21, 2012 at 2:17 pm

OUTSIDE: I know you’re going through a tough time right now…
INSIDE: Thanks for not talking about it and harshing my buzz.

OUTSIDE: You are beautiful!
INSIDE: It almost makes up for the fact that you’re as dumb as a bag of hair.

OUTSIDE: You are the kindest, sweetest, and most amazing person I know.
INSIDE: April Fool’s, Whore.
Jen recently posted..Office Skank Shenanigans, Huzzah!

Noa March 22, 2012 at 1:46 am

Is it bad that I really really need the first one to give to so many people I know?

Miles & Musings March 21, 2012 at 3:33 pm

I would definitely buy your cards. In fact, I’ll be sending this link to Hallmark for their consideration of your talents…

Love all of them!
Miles & Musings recently posted..Operation 6-Pack and Hump Day Ha-Ha’s

Noa March 22, 2012 at 1:47 am

Why thank you very much!

socialassassin March 21, 2012 at 7:19 pm

Outside: Congratulations, It’s A Boy!!
Inside: Welcome to Bangkok.

Outside: In Loving Remembrance
Inside: Of Last Night’s Cheap Motel Sex.

Outside: You’re Moving!!
Inside: I was sure that last hit had killed you.

Outside: On Our Wedding Anniversary x
Inside: I promise to make an effort not to look as dead inside as I feel. Whore.
socialassassin recently posted..You’re simply the Breast.

Noa March 22, 2012 at 1:48 am

I nearly pissed myself reading the first one. HOLY SHIT that one was funny.

Dave in Sherman March 21, 2012 at 10:28 pm

Outside: I’ll be missing You!
Inside: Be glad the scope is broken on my rifle.

Sorry, I have to give credit to Emo Phillips for that one.
Dave in Sherman recently posted..Week #10

Noa March 22, 2012 at 1:49 am

Still loved it!

Sedge | noob-dad March 22, 2012 at 12:20 am

Outside: Happy 18th Birthday, Son!
Inside: Get out.
Sedge | noob-dad recently posted..The Unbearable Wait For Your Baby

Noa March 22, 2012 at 1:49 am

I find it lovely that we all have the same sentiments for our 18 year olds. “Shut the fuck up and get the fuck out.”

Charity Woosley March 22, 2012 at 4:34 pm


I need the debate about the cornbread and religious debate. It sort of fits for FB posts, too. Why the fuck do you have to talk about abortion on my goddamn post telling everyone that I’m getting a fucking frappacino?
Charity Woosley recently posted..Awesomeness, wrapped in baddassery, topped with rad and smothered in winsauce

Noa March 22, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Because I have nothing to do with my life than actively argue with all people always on all forums.

Valerie March 22, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Outside: Congratulations on your engagement!!!
Inside: Thank you for making me feel fat and alone…

Inside: Your mother and I want you to know you were an accident. Please remember to have safe sex.
Valerie recently posted..Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs are making my ass fat

Noa March 22, 2012 at 7:56 pm

I want to send that last one to everyone I know.

Bill G. March 23, 2012 at 11:59 pm

Then there’s the old classic:

Outside: “Jesus loves you.”
Inside: “Everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.”

Noa March 28, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Well, it’s the goddamn truth.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress April 17, 2012 at 12:13 pm

These gems made me go visit your store and I don’t see them! Why Noa?

These fucking rock. Well, I may change my opinion if someone actually sends me one.
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..Monday Dare: Are you a runner? And not the kind on a treadmill.

Noa May 2, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Your birthday is coming up.

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