HIP HIP HOO–Fuck. I broke my hip again.

03/05/2012 · 141 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, Psychological Warfare, Social Services


It sneaks up on you quieter than a greased Helen Keller.

Not unlike have asymptomatic full blown Ebola Aids, adult-ness is something that you never realize you have until it’s too late.

There is no sweet transition into the peaceful and responsible life of a real adult.
There is no school demonstration about the magic and natural wonder of online banking and bill pay.
There is only road rage, mystery rashes, and the punch in the face that growing older brings.

Adolescence Amnesia

For the first time, you’re not acting older than you are, because you’re the age you once pretended to be. You spend your adolescence trying so hard to feel, look, and act like an adult that when it finally happens, you feel like you had amnesia for 7 years.

One day you’re at the Prom being felt up by a running back wearing a tux with a questionable history and then–BLAM MOTHAFUCKA–taxes and yard work. You go from genuinely caring about The Real World to the state of health insurance, your yard, and does-this-mole-look-funny-to-you.

Some of your high school friends get divorced for the second time. You purchase an area rug. You use vacation days for vacations and not for hangovers.

You. Are. Old.

The Entire World’s A Jackass Party

Growing up, you think of adults as people who have all the answers. The school system, organized sports, and parents who are scared that you’ll end up like them hump “goal-setting” and “ideals” into your brain like it’s the password into Alan Rickman’s pants.

You listened, you set your goals, you get your jobs, and then you realize that not a goddamn one of us has any clue what we’re doing and promptly shit all your goals and ideals right out the window.

The very second you set foot in your first real job, it becomes horrifically apparent that literally every adult in the world has their thumb up their asses. Every single one of us is getting by one day at a time, and hoping no one else knows we don’t know what we’re doing. You feel very connected to humanity in that moment.

Until you realize that these people also run your government.

It’s 5 AM, And I’m All Alone

Eating alone for the first time, sleeping in your own lonely apartment for the first time, even grocery shopping alone for the first time brings a sense of thrill. You’re doing this on your own! You can take on the world!

Enter the flu. You’re miserable and you’re more lonely than you ever thought you could be.

There’s nothing worse than the first time you get sick by yourself.  You want to curl up in bed and never move again, but you are the only one there to care for you. No one to bring you drinks or blankets or popsicles. You take yourself to the doctor. You lament in your death-bed, sure that no one will even know you’ve died until 2 weeks later.

You are suddenly aware that it’s just you, your toilet, and all the sadness the world has ever known.

It’s Your 22nd Birthday! *Fart Noise*

Working up to adulthood feels like a fucking treasure hunt of hormones.

Virginity? LOST.
Driver’s License? GAINED.
21st Birthday? IT’S THE FINAL BOSS, Y’ALL. Yes, bartender, I WILL HAVE ALL OF THE BEERS HERE. You want to dance? Well I’m gonna FUCK THE FLOOR. Tits for shots? I CALL THE LEFT ONE HELGA. Every birthday builds to that very point and you make it awesome.

And then you turn 22. And no one gives a shit, least of all you.

Once you defeat your 21st, you realize there’s no more birthdays to be excited for. You’re done with your treasure hunt, and now you’re one step closer to your joints hurting when it rains.

And it sucks a little.

I Am, Quite Suddenly, Too Old For This Shit

Someday, you’ll be stuck in a waiting room, a meeting, a classroom, or a line, and you realize you’re the oldest one there. You’ll figure this out because you hate everyone there. They’re all idiots, and you feel like an ancient relic.

This is the day you realize that music, movies, and TV shows are unbelievably shit-tastic. This is the day you learn that someone who you could have babysat is famous. This is the day someone tell you when they were born and you realize–that’s the year you graduated.

Maybe you’ll try to relate to them to make yourself feel better. You’ll spout a line from a classic comedy, and they’ll stare at you like you just ripped open Pandora’s Life-Alert and let all the old out. Their celebrities, their music, their clothes–all of them make you crotchety-old-man mad.

Thankfully, that’s also the day you realize you don’t fucking care. Fuck those kids with their Beibers and their assholery. You’re a goddamn adult. You can stay up all night watching Bravo! and Netflix, you can eat as much chocolate-covered bacon tarts you want, you can afford better booze than Boone’s Farm then drink it whenever you want.

Just maybe not tonight though. You do have to work tomorrow.

When did it finally click that you’re an adult? Any other adulthood signals I missed?
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Mayor Gia: “Wow, the bondage ducky itself is worth the visit (my ducky wants to make sure its consensual ducky sex, but I assured ducky it was). My blog is a duck rape free zone.”
Front Desk Ninja March 5, 2012 at 4:05 am

I realised I was a grown up when really bad shit happened.
Also, I had the distinct pleasure of being able to party like a rockstar on my 19th birthday, and for much of that year.

Then I hit 20, and decided saving my money was better than drinking it away.

I’m 23 now, and I confuse people my age when I say I’d rather go spend money at Chapters, or put it towards school/my debt. They don’t understand why I don’t want to go and get WASTED, MAN.

At least my cane has flames on it. I’m a badass old person.

Noa March 6, 2012 at 12:22 am

Saving money is for bitches.

I say that after I argued with myself in Wal-Mart today for a half an hour over whether or not to buy Ghostbusters 1&2 because it was only $10 for the set.

I got it.

I’m bad at the savery.

Front Desk Ninja March 6, 2012 at 1:12 am

that’s only 5 dollars a movie, for a mother fucking CLASSIC, Noa.
That would have been punishable by death if you didn’t purchase that.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:35 am

PLUS a movie scrapbook.

Meg March 5, 2012 at 5:04 am

I got married at 20 and had my first child by 22 and I felt like a grown up, but I will be 40 this year and my son is only 5 years away from being 22 himself. It’s very surreal to me. While I’m not sure how I feel about 40, I do feel like my 20’s and early 30’s were the hardest years of my life so far.

Jen March 5, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Your 40’s are amazing! All of that stupid shit no longer matters and you finally live for yourself. Dive into it like a rock star! :)
Jen recently posted..School’s In, Suckahs!

Noa March 6, 2012 at 12:29 am

@Jen: It’s honestly difficult for me to imagine you living any other way.

Meg March 6, 2012 at 3:05 am

Jen, you are amazing and inspiring. I wish I was half as brave as you are.

Noa March 6, 2012 at 12:23 am

@Meg: I’m still a baby at 24, so hearing that makes me smile a lot! And you’re a badass, no matter what the age.

Meg March 6, 2012 at 3:15 am

Thank you Noa! It really does get easier as you get older. Jen’s right. You may still have struggles, but you learn to not worry about the things you can’t change. You’re already impressive at 24, just imagine what you’ll be like at 40.
Meg recently posted..Life Changing Events; Japan

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:34 am

I may implode the universe.

Meg March 12, 2012 at 3:58 pm

You just might.
Meg recently posted..Life Changing Events; Japan

Elly Lou March 5, 2012 at 5:54 am

One word. Hemorrhoids.
Elly Lou recently posted..This Week’s Tweets

Noa March 6, 2012 at 12:30 am


There it is.

*hugs while avoiding your butthole*

Abby March 5, 2012 at 6:36 am

I’m 30 and currently feel 97 on a good day, so I loved this post. In fact, I loved it so much that I would call it “The Post” like “The Facebook” and “The Target store” before rubbing Icy Hot on my aching knees and watching “The Jeopardy” before going to bed at 10 like the responsible adult I am.

But I think it hit me not when I bought my own house and found out what bullshit mortgages and interest were, but when I realized you had to PAY for water and that buying air filters was something you had to do. Plus, many of my favorite athletes are now retired and the new ones have been born in the 90s. I refuse to accept this.

Oh! And I’ve always known that pretty much 98 % of the population has their thumb up their asses, so that wasn’t a shock. I would like to refuse to accept this, but you know, have to pay that mortgage and water bill.
Abby recently posted..Arts & Crap

Jen March 5, 2012 at 2:54 pm

“The Facebook”? Is that some game you kids play on the Wrold Wide Interweb?
Jen recently posted..School’s In, Suckahs!

Noa March 6, 2012 at 12:33 am

Like The Halo and The Weiner-Thing-You-Know-The-White-Box-Oh-Its-A-Wii-You-Say.

Noa March 6, 2012 at 12:31 am

@Abby: I laughed so hard once I got to Icy Hot because I have an Icy Hot patch sitting on my shoulder at this very moment. Because I am apparently 100.

Also, FUCK mortgages. Never before was a better system of torture invented than signing up to give all your money away to someone who doesn’t call you back.

Holy shit. Mortgages are just a bank’s way of divorcing you.

Mayor Gia March 5, 2012 at 6:39 am

Ooof, I feel like you about covered it. Maybe also the general feeling of being poor? But not like “college kid poor” where it’s all “wooohoo ramen noodles!” More like, “Where the fuck am I going to live and do I REALLY need car insurance?!” poor.

(Also, favorite comment last post? Yaaay! Thank you! I’m not kidding about being Duck Rape free. I have a DARD button on my blog. What is DARD, you ask? Ducks Against Raping Ducks. Support the cause.)
Mayor Gia recently posted..Let’s Talk About Hugging

Noa March 6, 2012 at 12:37 am

DARD is probably going to be a very powerful interest group. I just know it.

That poor feeling is so much worse when you get hit with a huge unexpected expense, and then you’re just staring at yourself crying in the mirror saying, “WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO PULL THIS FROM?”

Then you’re a grown-up.

Misty March 5, 2012 at 7:50 am

When I had kids. When I had actual human beings depending on me to keep them, you know, alive and shit. That’s when it gets real.

On another note . . . some yungins took me out last weekend for my birthday to a bar/club, and I was the only sober one there and was for 95% of the time, the one sitting at the table watching the purses. Yep, geriatric, table for one right here!! Plus, I kept telling them that we should go because it was “way past my bedtime.” I wasn’t kidding either. What time did I get home? 2:00 am. I haven’t seen that time since my 20’s. Thank god I didn’t have to get up with my kids the next day!
Misty recently posted..Spreading the Love (Not like that!)

Noa March 6, 2012 at 12:40 am

And that’s another reason why I’ll never ever have children.

Says the girl who just said to her sister-in-law, “Sure, if you don’t want the crib anymore, we’ll take it!”


Front Desk Ninja March 6, 2012 at 1:19 am

finding a secure place to put your vodka. OBVIOUSLY.

Cribs are handy for shit that isn’t babies, you know.

Use your ivagination.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Looks like I have a new vehicle to get the mail in. I’ll be rowing my crib around all day.

Jen March 5, 2012 at 7:58 am

August 17th, 2007. I was sitting in the ER of St. Vincent’s Medical Center at 11pm getting stitches in the back of my head from where my exhusband had thrown me against the kitchen cabinets. Up to that point I’d sailed through life allowing first my parents, then my ex to make all of the decisions. I got a useless undergrad degree, worked minor jobs for minimum wage, and never truly supported myself. That night I looked over at my sleepy 5 year old twins who were staring at me like “OK, Mommy. . .now what”. I called my mom who drove over immediately and said “I could write a big check and let you move in but this is your reality now, Honey. You need to grow the hell up”. So I did. We left that ER with the clothes on our back and $17.43 in my pocket. We stayed with friends until I was able to get the government assistance required to find our own little place. We went on welfare. We went on food stamps. I found an attorney who represents battered women pro bono who was able to get my divorce finalized and secure me enough of a settlement to get us off of government assistance. I waited tables while I applied for and got enough scholarships to go back to school, graduated with a Master’s Degree in Special Education and immediately started working as an autism researcher and college professor while I started my doctoral program. This wasn’t meant to be a LifeTime Movie of the Week “OMG, Jen is so brave!” bullshit comment because it isn’t bravery, it is self-preservation. People say “I don’t know how you did it!” To which my reply is invariably, “I didn’t have a choice”. …I was scared spitless but knew I had to take care of my short people. Most of my friends went batshit crazy when they turned 40 but for me it was amazing as it was the first time I truly felt like an independent adult. My “Jen-Mitzvah”, if you will. :)

Jen March 5, 2012 at 3:09 pm

You give me hope. I’m at the ‘just got out, single mom on welfare’ stage and am so sick of the ‘I don’t know how you did it’ comments. I’m gonna let him curse out our 2 year old and stick around ’til it can escalate to beating him?…HELL NO! I’m going back to school and I will get off the system if it kills me. My kid is going to be proud of me. Thanks for the inspiration.

Noa March 6, 2012 at 12:42 am

Keep it up. All you need to know is that you did it, and you’re going to keep doing the shit out of it until you’re the raddest of them all.

Noa March 6, 2012 at 12:42 am

I am glad you are getting, “I don’t know how you did it,” because the one I always wanted to slice people to death on was, “Why didn’t you leave earlier?” Because I value staying alive. That’s why.

Sorry, that wasn’t meant to be a rant, but that one drove me FUCKING CRAZY.

That said, well done Jen. We’re proud of you.

Front Desk Ninja March 6, 2012 at 1:09 am

this is why you’re my maja.
internet style, of course, but still. you rock, far harder than most.

themandilee March 5, 2012 at 8:19 am

It could have been the first time someone called me out on wrapping the last 3 (three) bites of a sandwich in a napkin and shoving it in my purse for later, just in case I got hungry (and somehow lost every penny by the afternoon and couldn’t afford another sandwich.) It could have been the say that I first looked at a skirt and and exclaimed “Its sooo short! How do parents let their kids go out in those?!” but no… it was just now as I seriously contemplated what the password into Alan Rickman’s pants might be…. whats an eight letter word for sarcastic that has at least one upper case letter and one number?
themandilee recently posted..themandilee: Twitter tells me I am similar to @sethmeyers21 … I am pretty sure he doesn’t have ovaries. Pretty… sure….?

Noa March 6, 2012 at 12:43 am

1) Walk by Limited Too in the mall sometime if you want to hate society.

2) I know the password. AND I WILL NEVER TELL.

Heather Rose March 5, 2012 at 8:36 am

Fiance dragged me to the DC Leprechaun Lap this weekend. My mini-skirt was too long, my boobs were too covered and our IDs only got a cursory glance at the door. But what really sealed it for me – they started playing Backstreet Boys and I got nostalgic. Fuuuck.

Misty March 5, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Damnit, Heather!! That reminds me that last week I was grocery shopping at Giant and they started playing BSB on the PA and I started singing along . . . without shame! Sigh. It is either a sign of oldness or pending apocolypse. Either way means I’m gonna die soon.
Misty recently posted..Spreading the Love (Not like that!)

Noa March 6, 2012 at 12:48 am

Never be ashamed of BSB. That shit is still awesome.

Also, Baha Men. RIGHT?!

Noa March 6, 2012 at 12:45 am

@Heather: How is it that the very second you turn 21 you’re no longer ID’d? I haven’t been ID’d once since I turned 21, and I could legitimately pass for a middle schooler if I’d shut my mouth.

Also, I imagine you running after a bowl of Lucky Charms all weekend. That’s what it was, right?

Jaclyn March 5, 2012 at 8:46 am

I LOVED this. Loved. Because, yeah, it absolutely sneaks up on you. The saddest part for me is that if I have more than 2 drinks, I need a full day to recover from the hangover. When I was young, all I need was 2 extra hours of sleep and an egg McMuffin.

I turn 30 this year, we are buying our first house. I have to get up before 10am on weekends and take care of my kid. I don’t know how it happened, but I’m totally a fucking adult now. It kind of sucks.

Noa March 6, 2012 at 12:50 am

You never realize that you’re an adult until you’re too deep in it to second guess yourself. You just wake up one day and wash your dishes without complaint and think, “Holy Shit, when did this happen?”

And then you drink your top-shelf booze and realize it’s not that bad.

ColinP March 5, 2012 at 8:48 am

10:00 PM seems like a very reasonable time to head for bed.

Your first tax audit.

You aren’t going to eat that because you think it might keep you up all night.

The first time you have to ask “Do you have a clean glass?”
ColinP recently posted..The hand up your ass might be a clue…

Noa March 6, 2012 at 12:52 am

The first time it really hit me was when I had to actually pay taxes and got nothing back (Hooray self-employment!)

I almost had a panic attack at my adult-ness.

Monica March 5, 2012 at 8:49 am

I had a “wow, I’m old” moment last week when I realized how super-stoked I was that my car will be paid off in 7 months.

As of now, I feel ancient, and I don’t even have kids, which is a what some people with kids say: “Wait until you have kids, then you’ll feel old.” Like a divorce and taking care of two terminally ill parents (one with cancer and on with Alzheimer’s and multiple other health problems) aren’t enough to earn me adult street cred.

Also, I really want to the password to Rickman’s pants.
Monica recently posted..“Fairy crutches are bullshit”

Noa March 6, 2012 at 12:55 am

I really really dislike when parents talk about how you could never know love or pain or sadness or sleepiness or anything until you have kids. Fuck that shit.


We’re both old.

Lydia March 5, 2012 at 9:05 am

Working with grad students ages you in leaps and bounds. Cut to me being at a work party with one, who jokingly accused me of hitting on him. Me: “I’m not pulling a Mrs. Robinson on you” Him: “A what??” Cue sound of my dusty old uterus hitting the floor. I gathered up my knitting, hard candies and Reader’s Digest condensed book and left.
Lydia recently posted..Hi, we’re in ….. Delaware

Noa March 6, 2012 at 12:57 am

The sound of a dusty old uterus hitting the floor sounds like a whoopee cushion to me. I realize that’s a weird thing to take away from that, but there you go.

Charity Woosley March 5, 2012 at 10:03 am

I’m 38. I have a 19 year old kid and a 17 year old kid. Every day I tell myself I’m fucking old– but then I stop and think about the fact that at 40 years old, I’ll be a muh-fuckin’ empty nester.

Charity Woosley recently posted..This shit is the bomb…

Noa March 6, 2012 at 12:58 am

I hope you drink so very much that day you become an empty nester, and then you go to sleep at 9 PM.

Jen March 7, 2012 at 9:16 pm

As a 41 year old with 9 year old motherfucking twins I am bitter, not gonna lie.
Jen recently posted..The Autism Myths

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:32 am

Sorry, I can’t hear you over my empty house that’s quiet and full of awesome.

Jana March 5, 2012 at 10:29 am

I just had the realization that I am my parents and that fucking frightens me. When did I become responsible for “having” all the answers? Remember when you were little and you asked the “adults” meaning of life questions and they all seemed to know their shit, well, yah, now I am that adult and I just realized that those jackasses had been making it up as they went along. I only hope that my kiddies are not doomed.

Misty March 5, 2012 at 3:26 pm

My 6 year old son asked me a question the other day, to which I responded “fuck if I know!” (but without the fuck, cuz I’m klassy). To which he responded, “yes you do, mommy. You know everything.” Damnit. So what did I do at that point? I started making shit up. So, now I’m my parents. Thanks you very meh.
Misty recently posted..Spreading the Love (Not like that!)

Noa March 6, 2012 at 1:00 am

I am looking to only that part of being a parent. Your children trust you unconditionally, so make all that shit up and create some hilarious stories for later.

Noa March 6, 2012 at 12:59 am

@Jana: It gets me through realizing that every parent ever in history must have felt this way. The human race is a fucking anomaly in evolution for having faked it for so long.

momiss March 5, 2012 at 10:37 am

Without a doubt the best post I have ever seen here.
I am giving you a standing ovation!
I have just entered the Too Old For This Shit zone. It’s been terrifying but now I don’t feel so alone. Thank you for this, really!!

Noa March 6, 2012 at 1:01 am

Why thank you! I really appreciate it. You’re not alone in the Too Old For This Shit zone!

Ally March 5, 2012 at 10:40 am

The first time I really felt like an adult was probably the first time my period was late and I thought I could be pregnant. The strange thing is that this is still my first thought when my period is late even though I am a lesbian. I am always like “Wait! How did I get pregnant? I’m not even doing it right.”

Andi Davies March 5, 2012 at 11:19 pm

I used to actually buy and take pregnancy tests every time I missed my period, even when there was no chance I was pregnant. Hey, it happened to Mary…

I’d like to point to abstinence education, but I’m so old that I actually got proper sex ed. I have no excuse for being a doofus.
Andi Davies recently posted..Sci Fi Sunday

Noa March 6, 2012 at 1:03 am

@Andi: My sex-ed teacher revealed to me that she was a sex addict in my class. That really skews your view on sex.

Noa March 6, 2012 at 1:02 am

@Ally: Every time I read this comment it makes me laugh. And then think of turkey basters. And then shudder at both the stereotype and the imagery.

Ally March 7, 2012 at 9:46 pm

I always ask myself if I have been in any questionable pools. lol.
Ally recently posted..I am a failure

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:31 am

Full of sperm?!?

Kelly March 5, 2012 at 10:52 am

When I took all my bar t-shirts and turned them into a quilt.
When I started paying attention to preparing meals that had more than one food group in them.
When I realized quality v. quantity is important in booze.
When I sent my husband into a war zone.
When I upped my life insurance.
When furniture needed to start matching.

But really, inside? I’m still a scared little kid, who still thinks dick jokes make the world go ’round.

Noa March 6, 2012 at 1:03 am

Best. Quilt. Ever.

And I still have not gotten to the phase in which I cook with more than one food group, because I don’t understand cooking or how it would fit into my life. I would be the first to die in a zombie apocalypse.

Sarah March 5, 2012 at 11:53 am

The week (a few years ago) where I had to do middle school orientation and kindergarten orientation. Yeah, in one week– both of our kids. That being said, I’m continuously reminded of how old I am now– like the fact that my kid will get a learner’s permit in four months. Since when did we start teaching kids to drive at 15? Seriously!
Sarah recently posted..Turning

Noa March 6, 2012 at 1:05 am

Oh man, that’s a rough week to have.

If my beagle were a human, he’d just now be hitting puberty.

Sorry for that last statement. I’m honestly not sure how that relates or why I said it.

Super Earthling March 5, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Two recent WTF incidents: At coffee with my (adult) daughter and her friends, I mentioned Cary Grant and two of them said, “Who’s that?” When my husband came home that same evening he’d had the same experience when mentioning John Wayne to some of the guys he works with.

After sharing a good laugh over our advanced age, we headed to Target to stock up on Depends.
Super Earthling recently posted..Run, Teddy Bear, Run!

Noa March 6, 2012 at 1:06 am

Who the fuck doesn’t know who Cary Grant and John Wayne are?! That’s like not knowing who the fuck Lincoln was.

Autumn March 5, 2012 at 1:27 pm

I’m 42, a mom of 4 people who have a driver’s license and divorced (twice!). I’ve been an adult forever, but what made me feel OLD with a capital O was replacing a major appliance that I purchased brand new because it wore out. I am old enough to have WORN OUT a microwave, washer and dryer. Fuck.

Noa March 6, 2012 at 1:07 am

I wore out a washer because I’m not a fan of washing a few things at once. I have to wash everything in our house all at once. 2 years and that motherfucker was DONE. They don’t make appliances like they used to.

HOLY SHIT I feel old after saying that last sentence.

Terry March 9, 2012 at 1:01 am

I inherited the appliances that came with the house my parents bought the year before I was born or got as wedding presents. They all lasted over 30 years with the last one dying this year and I actually cried. Over a 37 year old avocado green blender because I knew I’d never replace it with that kind of quality. My worst old moment was when a friend claimed he was getting old, I replied with “pfft, I’ve got socks older than you” and it was true.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:30 am

Adrian has a green duffel bag that he just realized is older than his wife. Good times!

Jenbug March 5, 2012 at 1:35 pm

I’ve been so old for so long now, that I’m almost ready to admit I’m in my 30s. What sucks about that is that I’m about to hit mah 40s. Summa bitch. PS: Yes, please. I’ll take some chocolate-covered bacon tarts over here. Thanksabunch. Mwah!
Jenbug recently posted..I AM the common denominator.

Noa March 6, 2012 at 1:09 am

Adrian is being hilarious right now, because he just turned 30 in October, and suddenly he feels like he MUST be AARP level old in mind and body. The very day he turned 30 he talked about going to get a checkup at the doctor with bloodwork done.

This is the same man who once said, “FUCK DOCTORS. I’M A BADASS.”

Jen March 7, 2012 at 9:17 pm

The 40’s are the bomb-dot-com! Don’t fight it! It has been my best decade to date. :)
Jen recently posted..The Autism Myths

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:28 am

I’m half between excitement and dread at mah future boobies.

Jen March 9, 2012 at 7:51 am

Meh…just do what I did. When they start sagging, buy new ones.
Jen recently posted..The Autism Myths

Dana the Biped March 5, 2012 at 1:39 pm

I was born old. No, seriously. My knees started creaking when I was about eight, and I got arthritis, (not juvenile arthritis, just general old-people arthritis) when I was seventeen.

But the first time I really *felt* old? Definitely the first time I got a grey hair. And it wasn’t in my ponytail.

Noa March 6, 2012 at 1:10 am

I keep telling Adrian that I’m just pulling “dead” hairs when I find a grey on his head. Bless his heart, he still thinks he’s never had a grey.

Front Desk Ninja March 6, 2012 at 1:26 am

I have had a huge patch of grey/white hair in my hair since I was 10. I scared the lady going to dye my hair when she found it.

I luckily have hair thicker than molasses, so it can be hidden quite easily, but still.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:24 am

I don’t know why, but the first 6 times I read this I thought it said chest hair. I kept reading it again and again thinking “mother of God does she have chest hair?”

I’m very glad the answer was no.

Dana the Biped March 6, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Hahaha! Lucky man!

The Squeeze’s family lose their hair *early*. One day I put my hands over his hair, and he asked what I was doing. My reply? “Seeing what you’ll look like when you’re bald.” He didn’t find that too humorous.

I did.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:25 am

Adrian’s family has blessedly all kept very thick hair for ever. As a result, he has better hair than me, but hey!

Moira March 5, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Hang on… back up a second. Do you have the password to Alan Rickman’s pants?

Noa March 6, 2012 at 1:10 am

I do.

I will never tell.

Becca March 5, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Wait, wait, wait… there’s booze better than Boone’s Farms? WTF… WTF……

Jen March 5, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Strawberry Boones is the reason for my lack of short term memory and inability to form a coherent sentence after 10pm.
Jen recently posted..School’s In, Suckahs!

Noa March 6, 2012 at 1:11 am

You struck me as a Franzia girl.

Jen March 7, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Ahhh, Chateau de Cardboard. . .a FINE vintage.
Jen recently posted..The Autism Myths

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:22 am

I just can’t do it. I can’t do Franzia like I can’t drink Old Milwaukee. I just can’t.

Noa March 6, 2012 at 1:11 am

@Becca: Kraken Rum. Much better.

Mindy609 March 5, 2012 at 1:44 pm

I felt old for the first time when I gave my son the reason, “Because.” I totally remember my parents giving me that reason, which is not a valid reason. And now I use it. Oh, I am also old because I use the word “valid”
I still giggle at farts, burps and whenever anyone says, “duty.” So, I may be chronologically old, but I am still a kid at heart!

Noa March 6, 2012 at 1:12 am

I’m convinced that the longer we keep a 12-year-old sense of humor, the younger we actually are.

Johi March 6, 2012 at 9:20 am

Thank God. Then I’m fine.

Sedge | noob-dad March 5, 2012 at 2:17 pm

I’ve experienced many of your tell-tale signs of being old. It starts to eat away at you slowly, but surely.

When that happens, I visit my parents and watch as all the things I’ve done and said still frustrate them. Then I feel young once more and can last another few months happily. I always tell myself, “When I start going to bed at 8pm, then I’ll be old.”
Sedge | noob-dad recently posted..Everybody’s Name Sucks

Noa March 6, 2012 at 1:14 am

If that’s your mark, I may never be old. Thanks to our jobs, Adrian and I both have days off-set from normal by about 4 hours. Average morning wake up is 10, average sleep time is 3 am. AND I LOVE IT.

Jeni March 5, 2012 at 2:46 pm

When a friend bought a brand new top of the line Dyson and I was jealous. That’s when I knew I was an adult.

Noa March 6, 2012 at 1:14 am


Them and their Dysons.

Bastards, all of them.

I wish I had one.

Front Desk Ninja March 6, 2012 at 1:32 am

They aren’t that great.
My parents have one, and to be honest?
Not impressed.

My 80 dollar Bissell bullshit vacuum did the exact same job as the Dyson.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:21 am

I have a shark navigator. Which makes me smile because I like to think it’s navigating sharks to my house.

Jen March 5, 2012 at 3:13 pm

When the Top 40 radio stations play ‘classics’ and it’s stuff you loved in high school. When your family doctor is younger than you. When sleeping is better than almost anything in the whole wide world. When the cashiers at the grocery store are 12. The first and every subsequent time some young whippersnapper calls you ‘Ma’am’. When you’d rather spend money on a quality coffee maker than a bar fridge. When everything hurts and all you did the day before was 3 extra loads of laundry.

Misty March 5, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Oh god. The “ma’ams” kill me. Every. Time.

And the fact that Bon Jovi is played on Classic Rock stations? Fuck me.
Misty recently posted..Spreading the Love (Not like that!)

Jen March 5, 2012 at 3:31 pm

JBJ turned 50 last week. I assume he’ll soon “need a repirator ‘cuz he’s runnin’ outta breath”.
Jen recently posted..School’s In, Suckahs!

Noa March 6, 2012 at 1:16 am

Well played, Jen.

Noa March 6, 2012 at 1:16 am

Axl Rose makes me feel old.

Noa March 6, 2012 at 1:15 am

@Jen: I got ma’am-ed by a girl scout this week, and the only reason that pretty child didn’t get sucker punched was because she had thin mints in her hand.

Jana March 5, 2012 at 5:06 pm

When you make some 80’s movie joke at the ‘youngsta’s and they just look at you with that blank drone stare.

Noa March 6, 2012 at 1:17 am

I bought Ghostbusters 1 & 2 today, and the little checkout girl said, “Oh, I’ve never seen this! It’s like, so old.”


Jillian @ Brilliant Title March 5, 2012 at 5:38 pm

I actually have the password to Alan Rickman’s pants. However, old age has given me a nasty jealous streak. I’ll never give it up.
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..Who Needs Real Friends When You Have Random Strangers?

Noa March 6, 2012 at 1:18 am

Oh, now we’re about to throw the fuck down.

How did you get it? He said he only gave it to me.

Jillian @ Brilliant Title March 6, 2012 at 10:21 am

Men are such sluts.
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..Who Needs Real Friends When You Have Random Strangers?

Jillian @ Brilliant Title March 6, 2012 at 10:22 am

P.S. Welcome back to commenting on your comments! I’ve missed you!
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..Who Needs Real Friends When You Have Random Strangers?

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:21 am

I’ve been depressed and shitty lately. I’m back to semi-normal again. And it feels awesome.

Handflapper March 5, 2012 at 6:31 pm

I still have doubts that I’m a “real adult,” but nothing makes me feel more like a grownup than driving all over Hell’s half-acre doing bullshit errands all day. “Look, Mom, I drive on the interstate like a big girl! I can go to the post office downtown all by myself without getting lost!” Both things none of the so-called adults in my life while growing up thought I’d ever do. Also? Raised two kids without either of them ever once drinking cleaning fluid.

Noa March 6, 2012 at 1:18 am

I took dry cleaning in today, and it made me feel so absolutely grown-up I didn’t know what to do with myself. So I bought some ice cream and listened to Aqua.

Christine March 5, 2012 at 7:37 pm

When the first girl I ever babysat showed me her navel piercing. And I’m only 26. -.-

Noa March 6, 2012 at 1:19 am

I’m only 24. I know the pain, and it hurts so much. I got a christmas card from a family I used to Nanny for, and the newborn I watched until he was 3 is now in fucking middle school. Another family’s 6 year old I used to nanny for is class of 2014, and it hurts.

thoughtsappear March 5, 2012 at 8:26 pm

But…but…I like Boones Farm. There are so many yummy flavors….
thoughtsappear recently posted..Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off

Noa March 6, 2012 at 1:20 am

As long as you know you can buy better shit, we’re cool. Adrian would still drink Zima if they made it.

Tina March 6, 2012 at 4:48 am

Thanks for summarizing the last decade of my life.
Remember laughing at the His and Her geezers dressed alike out shopping? That is my fucking life now and we are only 45! How the hell did we end up with matching wardrobes? We don’t shop at the same stores but can still end up “matching”…and not noticing until we’ve already spent the day out together.

Mother-fucking Karma? Laughing at co-workers in my 20’s who were caught tweezing chin hairs on the night shift…20 years later owning more pairs of tweezers than shoes…plucking beard like hairs while watching TV, driving (don’t judge me), at work, in bed. Fuck me I’m old.

Noa March 7, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Hell, I’m fucked. My husband and I do that and he’s 30 while I’m 24. You never even realize you do it until you get home that night and go, “Mother. Fucker.”

Johi March 6, 2012 at 9:19 am

My joints hurt when it is sunny, too.
Johi recently posted..And Now I Turn to You Wonderful People.

Noa March 7, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Goddamn, Johi.

Red March 6, 2012 at 10:38 am

I got my own apartment when I was still in college and under 21, so I don’t feel completely like an adult yet.

But when I dated a guy who had never heard of the movie Clue I realized I was acting like a cougar and better stop!

Oh, and when I intentionally stopped admitting my age…
Red recently posted..If You Met My Family You’d Understand!

Noa March 7, 2012 at 8:35 pm

CLUE?! Fucking CLUE? Who’s never heard of that? Jesus. You’re not old–he sounds like kind of a douche.

Charity Woosley March 6, 2012 at 11:56 am

Jen- I was also the single mom on welfare. Was a long hard road to get on my feet– but eventually I got there. I don’t EVER want to relive my young 20’s — I’m perfectly happy living in the almost 40’s.

Noa March 7, 2012 at 8:36 pm

I keep hearing that 40’s are better than 20’s, and I’m having a shitload of fun in my 20’s, so I can’t wait to see what I’ll be like at 40.

Mamy March 6, 2012 at 12:16 pm

I realized I was an adult when my knees and back ached upon getting up in the morning and it wasn’t due to amazing acrobatic like sex or binge drinking the night before!
Mamy recently posted..It Really Pays to Rent if You Have Kids.

Noa March 7, 2012 at 8:36 pm

I do that now, and I’m 24.

I’m fucked!

Mamy March 6, 2012 at 12:19 pm

P.S. Alan Rickman makes me weak in the knees…nothing to do with old age!

Noa March 7, 2012 at 8:37 pm

He’s gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous.

nadine March 6, 2012 at 6:12 pm

the awesome thing about being grown up is you can buy candy and no one tells you not to.

it’s also awesome that i consistently have good booze on hand. i never HAVE to run out to the liquor store to get some booze because I’m not binge-drinking it like a 20 year old. It’s just there in case I want it.

what sucks though is where the fuck is all my money. seriously, where. i want more please.

Noa March 7, 2012 at 8:38 pm

The other night for dinner, I had a bag of gummy bears. And it was glorious. And I just found the recipe on pinterest for vodka gummy bears.

If I die, I leave you my booze.

Pish Posh March 7, 2012 at 6:59 am

this is my favorite thing you’ve ever written and that’s saying a lot because most of what you write is award winning fantfuckingtastic
Pish Posh recently posted..My Mom’s Memory Loss: "Who Dun It?"

Noa March 7, 2012 at 8:40 pm

I don’t even know what to say here. You just made my whole fucking day.

injaynesworld March 8, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Shit, girlfriend. You don’t know fucking old until you’re over the moon with excitement at turning 62 so you can get your Social Security. My first time here and may I just say, if your writing is the future of comedy, the comedy world is in good hands.


Noa March 8, 2012 at 8:44 pm

1) Laughed so goddamn hard at the first sentence.

2) Was filled with unbridled joy on reading the second.

I love you for both.

funny or tragic March 12, 2012 at 2:55 am

Once I snuck a peak at a Playboy, and there was a cartoon with a teenager wearing a shirt that said “show me your tits,” and a grandma walks by, reads the shirt, and lifts her dress up to her ankles. HER ANKLES. I looked at my mom, then my grandma, and realized the eventual trajectory of my boobs, and broke out in a cold sweat. That was the day I realized I was getting older.
funny or tragic recently posted..Ice Ice Baby Too Cold

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:22 am

I’m doubled over reading this. So awesome.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress March 12, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Uh, I’ll let you know when it happens.
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..Monday Dare: Six million ways to die

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:23 am

Well. Played.

Fuck I’m jealous of how cool you are.

recommended reading October 21, 2013 at 1:43 pm

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