Anything Is Better Than Touching Them

03/14/2012 · 57 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, I'm A Terrible Person, Kirk Cameron, Sadist Vagina

The laws of probability state that at some point in your life, you’re going to come into contact with a pair of balls.

Don’t be alarmed.

It’s certainly going to be unpleasant, but it remains important that you not panic when in contact with testicles, as they are easily startled. Honestly, they’re more afraid of you than you are of them.

Nutsacks can be intimidating at first glance. You may ask yourself: Why is this happening to me? Has God forsaken me? Are they supposed to look like under-developed sasquatch fetuses?

It’s not as bad as you may think. There’s a lot of fun things to do with balls!

Play A Game!

  • Craps: Mama needs a new pair of tits!
  • Tetherball: Admittedly, it will probably be a quick game because there’s not a lot of time for rebounding
  • Chubby Bunny: Shove ‘em in your face hole and get the good times rolling! Someone will get a chub, that’s for sure.
  • Cat-ertainment: Attach some streamers and let the scratchy and probably-disease-ridden fun begin!
  • Where’s Lumpy?: He’s behind your dick.

The fun is never-ending!

Accessorize

If you’ve never had the distressing opportunity to gaze at some balls, let me help by informing you that they most resemble an obese Dr. Ruth after a particularly long vacation battling hypnoraptors in Chernobyl.

I think balls could be significantly less horrifying if they were tarted up a bit with a few kicky and fun accessories, such as:

  • a festive vest and jaunty newsboy cap
  • a corduroy and denim patchwork pouch with silky fringe
  • a Hawaiian flower lei and grass skirt
  • a monocle, medieval neck-ruff and powdered wig
  • the Kill Bill jumpsuit
  • anything from Downton Abbey

Naming Rights

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but balls by any other name are still pretty fucking weird.

Bad Names for Balls:

  • Lieutenant Worfs
  • Baby Batter Faux-Finishers
  • Hortense and Babette
  • Speedbags
  • Sadness Collectors

Good Names For Balls:

  • Jean-Luc Picards
  • Pre-People Pods
  • Dowager Countess of Coinpurse and Professor Fisticuffs
  • Bear Bludgeoners
  • Tall-Tales Pete and his undescended friend, Simple Horatio

Backed Into A Corner

Sometimes you’re confronted with balls, and it all goes wrong. Problems arise, negotiations break down, fancy costumes are refused. You’re screwed (or would rather not be, given the proximity you have to balls at the current moment.)

When that time comes, be ready: just play dead.

Flop to the ground like a hungry toddler who missed his afternoon nap. The balls will approach and attempt to rouse you. Do not be fooled by the gentle forehead brushes it will attempt. This is a trap. Should you give in to the balls and their wily ruse, you will only end up with a face full of cock, and no one wants that.

 

Well, no one but Kirk Cameron wants that.


What else might be fun to do with a pair of balls? Any other games, names, or uses you can think of? Any weird ball tales?

Don’t forget to tune in this Friday at 6 PM CST for The League Of Funny Bitches LIVE Podcast featuring the lovely ladies of Badder Homes and Gardens. It’s gonna get awesome, y’all.

Favorite Comment From The Last Post
From Misty: “The thought of those two mating is making me eel. It is krilly quite disturbing and I wish you would stop carping on this subject, Noa. Are you trying to skeeve me out on porpoise? I’m not even sure water you are talking about here. At a minnowmum, you should be ashamed of yourself!” 
Mayor Gia March 14, 2012 at 6:46 am

Hah! Please tell me you found all this out (bad v good names, games to play) by really trying it out. That would it so much better :P
Mayor Gia recently posted..Apartment Hunting Sucks.

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:39 am

Welp. Now you know. That’s exactly how it happened.

Mandi E. March 14, 2012 at 7:03 am

My husband would rather I don’t touch his balls. I think he may have experienced more than one traumatic incident at the site because as he put it, “I don’t even want to touch them and they’re mine. I have a great deal of fear for them.”

S’all good. It’s not like he’ll let me shave them anyway.
Mandi E. recently posted..How did you get here? Boobs, of course.

Charity Woosley March 14, 2012 at 11:37 am

Bwahaha. My husband manscapes on the regular. He’s always like, “I don’t want a mouthful of furrburger when I’m dining below, so I’m positive you don’t want that shit either.
Charity Woosley recently posted..F*ck You Friday! (AND MOAR BEWBS!)

Mandi E. March 14, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Hell with that shaving business. Brazilian waxing, ftw.
Mandi E. recently posted..Babies in Shopping Carts and Granny Beatdowns

Beth March 14, 2012 at 3:44 pm

My husband says that my time would be better spent elsewhere. He is so romantic!
Beth recently posted..Irrational Fears

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:41 am

@Mandi: See? Then he needs that protective pouch for them. Get your bedazzler out.

@Charity: HORRRKKKKK. Furburger.

@Mandi: I just can’t spread my asscheeks for a stranger.

@Beth: Awwww. Love.

Bob the Water Cat March 14, 2012 at 7:32 am

Sounds like someone got teabagged recently.
Bob the Water Cat recently posted..Strande’s Lot

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:42 am

Yep.

Kelly March 14, 2012 at 8:18 am

Hubs: Let me teabag you.
Me: Let me dunk your balls in boiling water and make tea.
Hubs: …
Hubs: …
Hubs: …
Hubs: You’re really not joking, are you?
Me: Keep your fumunda cheese off my forehead, please and thank you.
Kelly recently posted..My Last Will and Testament

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:44 am

The word “cheese” associated with a crotch has my skin crawling.

Misty March 14, 2012 at 9:13 am

First and foremost: Woo-hoo, favorite comment!! Ahem, ok, now that that’s out of the way.

I abhor balls. They are grotesque. There is nothing worse than seeing those things comin’ atcha!! Ahhhhhhhhhh. Oh, sorry. Flashbacks.

I will henceforth start calling the hubs’ balls Dowager Countess of Coinpurse and Professor Fisticuffs. I’m sure he won’t be confused at all!

Either that or Kirk & Cameron.
Misty recently posted..Whip It, Whip It Good

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:47 am

Hah, Kirk & Cameron & Boner!

Beth March 14, 2012 at 9:53 am

My brothers like to text or email me pictures, which I am made to believe are pictures of their kids/dogs, but instead it is either a picture of the shit they just took or a handful of scrotum skin they molded into a new shape. When we are all in the same house, these pictures have become the host’s desktop/laptop background more than once! Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, that shit is going viral.
Beth recently posted..Irrational Fears

Myth March 15, 2012 at 1:52 am

If this isn’t the favorite comment come Friday, I will cry. Noa, you have been warned.

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:48 am

@Beth: I cannot imagine this. I only have a sister, so it would be fucking weird for us.

@Myth: I’m so sorry.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd March 14, 2012 at 10:45 am

I like “Sadness Collectors” for emo poet balls. It really just depends on the personality whether it’s a good name or bad.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..This makes Tom shake his head in shame every time I mention it.

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:50 am

Also, Hipsters.

Stephanie March 14, 2012 at 1:32 pm

I always just called balls “nuts”

But that’s because my boyfriend called me squirrel. :-P
Stephanie recently posted..I Probably Shouldn’t Write About This (Part 2)

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:51 am

That raises more questions.

Jen March 14, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Everytime I see testicles (which isn’t as often as I’d like) I am oddly compelled to put a little Groucho Marx mustache and glasses on them and perform a puppet show but that’s pretty sommon, right? No?. . .Just me?
Jen recently posted..A Hip-Hop a Hip-Hip-Hippity-Hip-Hip-Hop…

Mandi E. March 14, 2012 at 2:48 pm

It’s not the first thing I’d be compelled to do, but I cannot imagine a more appropriate response for you. Carry on. And post pictures. We could all use more amusing balls in our lives.
Mandi E. recently posted..Babies in Shopping Carts and Granny Beatdowns

Brett Minor March 14, 2012 at 10:30 pm

Has anyone allowed you to do that yet? I don’t know if it is a common compulsion, but I an pretty sure it is not a common request.
Brett Minor recently posted..Return of the Awards Fairy

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:52 am

@Jen: Not just you. That sounds rad as fuck.

@Mandi: I also agree with the photo request.

@Brett: Don’t play like you haven’t done it.

GirltoMom- Heidi March 14, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Under-developed Sasquatch fetuses FTW!!! Hilarious.
GirltoMom- Heidi recently posted..Emoji Free App

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:53 am

Thank you!

Margaret March 14, 2012 at 3:11 pm

I am not fearful of the nutsack, but I do wish I could shave/wax the ones I handle. Not that I have handled any in a really long time…fuck, now you reminded me that I need to get laid.
At least I got “Bear Bludgeoners” out of it.
Margaret recently posted..Backing up just a little

Jaclyn March 14, 2012 at 3:46 pm

My husband is a sack shaver, luckily. I would not put those bitches in my mouth if they were hairy.

And okay, it is just me or do they kinda look like brains? All squiggly and wrinkly and shit. It’s like a smaller version of a brain (which makes perfect sense, if you really think about it).
Jaclyn recently posted..Rodolfo and the Art of Vagina Maintenance

Beth March 14, 2012 at 8:31 pm

Jaclyn, I love that you just admitted to putting balls in your mouth! Love it!
Beth recently posted..Irrational Fears

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:55 am

@Margaret: I honestly read this first as, “the ones you have” and I was about to not know what to say to you there about your bear bludgeoners.

@Jaclyn: Sack shaving seems unbearably difficult, no?

@Beth: Agreed.

Jana March 14, 2012 at 4:46 pm

My hubby keeps the manscaping neat and trim. However the thought of tea bagging his balls is enough to make me shiver….
In other news, I like this one:

Ballsac Eclipse:
Placing ones scrotum on someones eyes, then taking a flashlight and pointing it towards the scrotum. Revealing the testicular veins and testicles.

I might have to start sleeping with my eye patch on!
Jana recently posted..Houston…we have a problem I think your mystical fold has gone bad

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:56 am

The Ballsac Eclipse is something I can’t decide if I really do or don’t want to see.

Jen Smith March 14, 2012 at 9:16 pm

Bwaaaahaaahaaaa – coincidentally, I almost posted the following as my facebook status last nite:

Don’t ever tell me dog rescue isn’t glamorous…I just spent the last twenty minutes icing a German Shepherd’s nutsack.

jen too

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:57 am

Um.

What the fuck happened?

Valerie March 14, 2012 at 9:16 pm

For some reason, I am obsessed with trying to make my husband show me a batwing. Every time he is sweaty, I try to get him to flash me his balls… Just for the hope of seeing them stuck to his thighs. I’m not really sure how this started, but one day I shall catch a glimpse of this illusive batwing… because in my mind… it’s Glorious…
Valerie recently posted..How Mannequin Hands Paid for Themselves in 24 Hours

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:58 am

It’s not.

Just…take it from me.

it’s not.

Myth March 15, 2012 at 2:20 am

Suggestions:

#1. Build a playpen. Fill it with balls. Swim in it. Scream “Help! I’m drowning in nutsacks!”, flail dramatically, and observe the reactions of nearby persons.
#2. Guess Who: attempt to determine whose nutsack you are looking at. You have three guesses. Losers must wear balls on their face in public for one day, while carrying a sign which reads “Whose balls are these? I’m not sure!”
#3. Pin the Dick on the Balls
#4. Basketballs: Chase the balls with a net. Try to capture the balls. The other team attempts to block you from reaching the balls. (“But Myth,” you ask, “how is that anything like basketball?” Well, if you want to be true to the original game, I invite you to try throwing the balls and their owners through hoops. Good luck with that.)
#5. Baseballs: Hate your ex-husband? Have some issues to work out? The rules are simple—three strikes and he’s out!
#6: Dangerballs! Dedicated to the illustrious Noa Dangerballs Gavin herself. How to play Dangerballs: navigate an extensive and complicated obstacle course while avoiding the balls that attack you. For best results, wear army fatigues and cultivate a shell-shocked veteran look. Should you make it to the finish line unscathed and unteabagged, you are given a trophy declaring you to be the dangerous-est, ballsiest Dangerballs to ever danger a ball.

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:59 am

I imagine Dangerballs looks a lot like CalvinBall, and that makes me ridiculously happy.

Also, well done!

CoreyFerns March 15, 2012 at 7:34 am

I have officially christened my boys..Tall-Tales Pete and his undescended friend, Simple Horatio

Not the awkwardest thing that a priest’s seen ever..Not at all.
CoreyFerns recently posted..Sunday, 8th November 2009

Noa March 16, 2012 at 2:00 am

Enjoy every date you’ll ever have now trying to explain that.

CoreyFerns March 17, 2012 at 11:46 pm

And end up confusing them a lot more when I go “One word..Dangerballs”

Oh yeah, that is definitely going to be fun.
CoreyFerns recently posted..Sunday, 8th November 2009

Noa March 19, 2012 at 11:43 pm

Will you be my best friend?

Allie March 15, 2012 at 11:40 am

I am sending this one to my husband, and then he will say that his balls hang from my rear view mirror.

Thanks for the morning of remember my gag reflex.
Allie recently posted..Blogging Success: Failure Is Success

Noa March 16, 2012 at 2:01 am

I posted gross things this week: balls and dolphin sex. Sorry.

wendy March 15, 2012 at 11:55 am

Oh my god! I totally was unprepared for this post and now have to clean coffee from my monitor. Thanks so much
wendy recently posted..Dating Can Be Deadly!!

Noa March 16, 2012 at 2:02 am

Sorry ’bout that!

-Vince March 15, 2012 at 1:40 pm

I have never before been compelled to wear a cup whilst reading the internet.

Noa March 16, 2012 at 2:03 am

You’re welcome.

-Vince March 20, 2012 at 8:22 am

Bring a new and disturbing meaning to one of my favorite shows…
http://youtu.be/uEXu0z2g8m4

(The associations in my head don’t make any sense to me either.)

Noa March 22, 2012 at 1:28 am

Good Day, Nutsack!

Marty "faultytower" March 15, 2012 at 8:48 pm

You can sing them a song! Ahem…

Do your balls hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw them o’er your shoulder like a Continental soldier?
Do your balls hang low?

Noa March 16, 2012 at 2:03 am

ANNNNDDDDDDDD I have a new theme song.

Kim March 18, 2012 at 4:44 am

This one time, I was lying on the floor on my back talking on the phone, and my boyfriend came over and squatted over my head in order to fart right on my face. Because he’s a boy, and boys are revolting like that. Anyway, he was wearing a really old pair of undies and his balls FELL OUT ONTO MY FACE because there was an epic crotch hole. Unintentional teabagging is a real problem, and I think everyone needs to be educated about it.

Noa March 19, 2012 at 11:47 pm

I imagine that was a lot like water boarding, except with more STD’s.

Jourdaine March 20, 2012 at 10:23 am

It’s a little late to comment, but I felt obliged to post. My boyfriend has one ball in result of cancer as a teenager. In high school he wore aviators and was the “Uniballer.” These days he is affectionately referred to as “Half-Sack.” This past weekend, a former co-worker went all Latin on his ass and called him “Testicularum” which he claims is defined as “was once two.”

One day when I was sitting on the floor tying my shoes, my boyfriend approached me in his boxers. I looked up because I thought he was going to say something. Instead, he just rested his ball on my forehead without a word. When he stopped and walked away, I just sat there in awkward silence, unsure of how to absorb the situation that just occurred.

At least he can never give me “Arabian Goggles.” More like an eye patch.

Men are fucking weird.

Noa March 22, 2012 at 1:30 am

I am so fucking grateful that you commented, because this was spectacular.

1. Arabian Goggles: yes.
2. Testicularum: Yes.
3. The silent tea-bagger: Glad I’m not the only one who’s had to experience that.

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