The laws of probability state that at some point in your life, you’re going to come into contact with a pair of balls.
Don’t be alarmed.
It’s certainly going to be unpleasant, but it remains important that you not panic when in contact with testicles, as they are easily startled. Honestly, they’re more afraid of you than you are of them.
Nutsacks can be intimidating at first glance. You may ask yourself: Why is this happening to me? Has God forsaken me? Are they supposed to look like under-developed sasquatch fetuses?
It’s not as bad as you may think. There’s a lot of fun things to do with balls!
Play A Game!
- Craps: Mama needs a new pair of tits!
- Tetherball: Admittedly, it will probably be a quick game because there’s not a lot of time for rebounding
- Chubby Bunny: Shove ‘em in your face hole and get the good times rolling! Someone will get a chub, that’s for sure.
- Cat-ertainment: Attach some streamers and let the scratchy and probably-disease-ridden fun begin!
- Where’s Lumpy?: He’s behind your dick.
The fun is never-ending!
If you’ve never had the distressing opportunity to gaze at some balls, let me help by informing you that they most resemble an obese Dr. Ruth after a particularly long vacation battling hypnoraptors in Chernobyl.
I think balls could be significantly less horrifying if they were tarted up a bit with a few kicky and fun accessories, such as:
- a festive vest and jaunty newsboy cap
- a corduroy and denim patchwork pouch with silky fringe
- a Hawaiian flower lei and grass skirt
- a monocle, medieval neck-ruff and powdered wig
- the Kill Bill jumpsuit
- anything from Downton Abbey
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but balls by any other name are still pretty fucking weird.
Bad Names for Balls:
- Lieutenant Worfs
- Baby Batter Faux-Finishers
- Hortense and Babette
- Sadness Collectors
Good Names For Balls:
- Jean-Luc Picards
- Pre-People Pods
- Dowager Countess of Coinpurse and Professor Fisticuffs
- Bear Bludgeoners
- Tall-Tales Pete and his undescended friend, Simple Horatio
Backed Into A Corner
Sometimes you’re confronted with balls, and it all goes wrong. Problems arise, negotiations break down, fancy costumes are refused. You’re screwed (or would rather not be, given the proximity you have to balls at the current moment.)
When that time comes, be ready: just play dead.
Flop to the ground like a hungry toddler who missed his afternoon nap. The balls will approach and attempt to rouse you. Do not be fooled by the gentle forehead brushes it will attempt. This is a trap. Should you give in to the balls and their wily ruse, you will only end up with a face full of cock, and no one wants that.
Well, no one but Kirk Cameron wants that.–
What else might be fun to do with a pair of balls? Any other games, names, or uses you can think of? Any weird ball tales?
Don’t forget to tune in this Friday at 6 PM CST for The League Of Funny Bitches LIVE Podcast featuring the lovely ladies of Badder Homes and Gardens. It’s gonna get awesome, y’all.
Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Misty: “The thought of those two mating is making me eel. It is krilly quite disturbing and I wish you would stop carping on this subject, Noa. Are you trying to skeeve me out on porpoise? I’m not even sure water you are talking about here. At a minnowmum, you should be ashamed of yourself!”