To Love, Honor, And Probably Not Stab In The Night

02/06/2012 · 120 comments

in Adrian, How Did My Life Come To This, Psychological Warfare

When you’re ready to get married, your ass is full of sunshine. You know how to do this whole marriage thing, and fuck all y’all who say differently. You’ve split your chores, you’ve mixed your possessions, and you are ready for a life together–forever.

In other words, you are full of bullshit.

There’s a whole gamut of things that no one tells you about marriage. It’s a dark, dirty world in marriage, and no Good Housekeeping article or well-meaning quad-divorced Great Aunt will prepare you for what’s in store.

1. Where’s The Goddamn Training Video?

I will never forget the abject horror I felt the first time Adrian handed me a beard trimmer and asked me to trim his neck. The only time I’d used clippers before was to shear lambs, and that was decidedly more aggressive than what Adrian had in mind. So, I did what any new wife would do.

I accidentally sheared off a huge chunk of his pretty long hair.

When you get married, you have to take on all sorts of jobs and rules that you were never trained for. Adrian once learned how to paint my nails when I jacked up my shoulder. I ‘learned’ to use a socket wrench by throwing all the sockets into the front lawn at 11 pm. I learned that Adrian has 5 different types of spoons, and they are non-negotiably used for different things (God help you if you use an ice cream spoon on Spaghetti-o’s.) Yes, marriage is work, but no one tells you that it’s extremely skilled labor.

2. Negotiaggressive: How Married People Deal

For your first six months of marriage, you negotiate chores and duties within a marriage like the motherfucking Huxtables.

After that point, you move into negotiaggression, the wonderful melding of passive-aggression and negotiation.

  • “Jesus Christ. If you will rinse a goddamn dish once in a while, I will vacuum, okay?”
  • “If you stop drying your balls in the living room, then I will make the fucking bed.”
  • “Stop farting viciously when we argue because it’s weird because we fight naked, and I will not keep 9 jars of pickles in the fridge except in emergencies.”

3. It’s Like That Twins Scene From Hellraiser, But With Sweaters

You think, when you first get married, that the old adage about married couples resembling each other after a time is adorable and quaint. Once again, total bullshit.

Every. Goddamn. Day Adrian and I manage to wear similar, if not identical, clothing pieces totally by accident. We’ll find out when I show up at his office to take him to lunch, and suddenly we’re ‘that couple’ that dresses alike because we love each other so goddamn much.

Even weirder is when you move past finishing a sentence or two of your spouse, and they start saying exactly what you’re thinking. You’ll just be sitting on the couch, thinking about how you’d like to eat some sweet-ass chicken tacos from On The Border, and he’ll say, “I want some chicken tacos from On The Border.”

GET OUT OF MY HEAD, YOU FIENDISH SORCERER.

4. It’s Not Technically Stealing, Except That It’s Totally Stealing

Marriage means shared property.

Legally.

Personally, your shit is yours and my shit is mine. Except when I really need it for whatever reason I have concocted, and then your shit is very conveniently mine as well. Adrian and I play this game constantly. Cookies, pocket change, first bites of meals, his white t-shirts, his soap, my pillows, his gasoline, and USB cords.

It’s a never ending cycle of community property passive aggression, much like living with the roommate who always ate the Thin Mints before you could even have one of them because that one time you ate one of their Yoplaits. Bastard.

5. Mirrors Are A Relatively New Invention ‘Round Here

When you are single, you are alone. When you get ready to go out for the day, you are the only one around who will tell you whether or not what you’re wearing looks okay. In your head, you bought it, so of course it looks good.

When you’re married, you learn that you’re very wrong about that. I am no longer allowed to wear a vest that I thought looked rather smart and cool, and that Adrian declared made me look like a mover. Neither one of us are allowed to wear orange ever again. Adrian is not allowed to wear more than one piece of clothing made of linen at a time. This ban was brought about by the time he left the closet wearing a white linen button down and khaki linen pants, accented with a brown leather belt. He looked like his regular clothing had smoked a lot of weed and tried to sober up before a meeting.

Linen ruins marriages, y’all. Watch out.


What weird things did you learn from marriage?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Jaclyn: “It occurs to me that Misty does not give a shit if people see her taking pictures of them. Misty is brave. Bitches wearing catsuits to court will CUT. A. BITCH.”
You can download or listen to Episode 2 of The League of Funny Bitches Podcast today! We talked to Elizabeth from Flourish In Progress this week, and she is funny as hell. 

 

Meg February 6, 2012 at 3:32 am

I’ve learned that I am the only one that ever knows where anything is at any given time. Doesn’t matter if I’ve never touched and only seen it once. I need to be ready to disclose it’s location at a moments notice. That doesn’t only go for husbands, but kids too. My husband has learned that just because his shirt and pants are blue, that doesn’t mean they match.
Meg recently posted..A Wise Old Owl

Stephanie February 6, 2012 at 7:59 am

I laughed so hard I cried at this comment. My husband must believe I have a mental inventory of every item in our house at any given moment. Computer cables? Yeah, I know EXACTLY where those are!

Sarah February 6, 2012 at 11:17 am

Why does he call me at work to find his freaking belt? I don’t know where your belt is! I’m at work! You’re at home! And why the hell do I always know exactly where he will find it? I creep myself out. We’re like human victims of some cyborg marriage collective.
Sarah recently posted..The University- Penny Pinching

jennielynn February 6, 2012 at 7:26 pm

That’s why they do it. Because we know the location of every random item. So tell me why I can remember that and not my damn anniversary!!!
jennielynn recently posted..Shit People Say To Nook Users

DevilsHeaven February 7, 2012 at 1:47 pm

YES. Why is it? Do we just pay attention better? I have taken to answering, Well where is it SUPPOSE to be? When I know exactly where something is, because I put it there, because THAT IS WHERE IT BELONGS.
Last night I came home after my husband, I had been there for all of ten minutes when he looks at me and DEMANDS, “Where’s my phone?!?!?!” And then he was miffed when I gave him a blank stare and said, “How would I know?”

Brett Minor February 7, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Somewhere along the line we were taught that the uterus is a tracking device. We don’t have the necessary equipment to find things on our own.
Brett Minor recently posted..Stuntman Training Accidents #1

Meg February 9, 2012 at 2:28 pm

I think I’ve watched too many episodes of Ancient Aliens because now all I can think of is Giorgio Tsoukalos explaining how this tracking device implanted.
Meg recently posted..A Wise Old Owl

Noa February 10, 2012 at 1:34 am

@Meg: Adrian has an acute color-matching eye, but materials? Nope. Sure we’ll wear a suede jacket over a linen shirt with jeans.

@Stephanie: What IS that about dudes? I, too, was the thing-finder. Until I started arranging things like he was blind and always putting them back exactly in the same place. I’m living with Helen Keller.

@Sarah, JennieLynn, DevilsHeaven & Brett: There’s too much of a trend here. It’s a lady-power. We are FUCKING AWESOME. Like people-radars for home things.

Eric February 6, 2012 at 3:48 am

I learned that my first marriage was a mistake. My second marriage was a mistake. I apparently don’t learn from my mistakes. If there is to be a third marriage, it will end in death, as it should be.

One way or the other.
Eric recently posted..If Microsoft built new homes, we’d all be homeless

Kella February 6, 2012 at 8:57 am

….Just make sure, if it does, you tattoo “Third strike — yer OUT!” on her ass, post mortem.

If nothing else, it’ll give the morticians something to talk about at the company Christmas party.
Kella recently posted..Demand to speak to life’s manager!

Noa February 10, 2012 at 1:35 am

@Eric: I’m glad you had the foresight to at least learn that. Some people never do.

@Kella: Can you please put that in your vows, Eric?

Front Desk Ninja February 6, 2012 at 4:48 am

Hollllyyyyy shit.
I feel like perhaps, Noa, you should write this down in a book or something and send to us non-married folk.

This is why I’m trigger shy. I don’t mind having the ring, don’t mind playing house, but my fuck that shit gets scary when the dress shopping and bridal showering comes about.

Whatever happened to the good old days where ma and pa arranged that shit, and you drank to make your husband pretty enough to bone?

Just Sayin’.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Tattoos Have Magical Healing Powers, A Thank You Note

Brandon S February 7, 2012 at 11:24 am

I think they disappeared about the same time you had sex through a sheet.
Brandon S recently posted..To Mancave or Not to Mancave? That is the question.

Jen February 7, 2012 at 2:02 pm

You mean people don’t do that anymore? It’s been so long that I still remember constructing condoms out of sheepskin and leather ties in the barn by candlelight.
Jen recently posted..Kids are Assholes (umm, I Mean, People), Too

Front Desk Ninja February 8, 2012 at 12:24 am

….these are skills I missed out on in Health class.
goddamnit.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Dear Asshat, You’re Not Clever

Front Desk Ninja February 8, 2012 at 12:23 am

Are they playing hide and go seek?

Is there a certain whistle I need to learn to make them reappear, and decide my fate?
My parents have been threatening for the longest time to set me up with a ginger kid from their work.

I already have no soul, what chance would future babies have?
no soul plus no soul equals Osama, right?
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Dear Asshat, You’re Not Clever

Noa February 10, 2012 at 1:38 am

@FDN: I got lucky. The longer I stay married, the more fun it is, but the more ridiculous it is as well. Here’s where I get sappy and say, “God I hope it stays on trend like this.” I hope you get lucky too.

Wait.

@Brandon: Oh, that’s still a thing. Frighteningly enough.

@Jen: I saw a 19th century condom the other day that tied on with a drawstring. Ouch….

Mayor Gia February 6, 2012 at 6:33 am

hahahah I’m not married, but FUCK sharing. If that is what marriage is about, I need to go find me a bunch of cats.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Dramatic Reenactments: Watching Midnight in Paris

Front Desk Ninja February 6, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Dogs are better! Cats have a sick sense of revenge when you piss them off.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Only Six Days In And I Might Have To Break My Goal, For Fucks Sake

Noa February 10, 2012 at 1:39 am

@Gia: I’m not a kind sharer about anything. It’s always stealing and it always makes me mad.

@FDN: My dog is pretty rad at revenge. She pees creatively, the little asshole.

Jen February 6, 2012 at 7:00 am

Bwahaha! This is so fucking true! I learned that hampers are for leaving your clothes on the floor next to (him), that ‘fuck no!’ is not the right answer to ‘would you like a cup of coffee?’ (even after 3 hrs sleep – infant related – me), that clump of dried toothpaste due to not putting the cap back on is better for scrubbing your teeth (seriously, dude?), that folding is 80% of the work of doing laundry (from that one time he did the folding), that ‘would you like another chicken salad sandwich?’ is a stupid question (me – the answer is always yes, dude) and that supporting someone financially and emotionally for 6 years while they treat you and your subsequent child like crap is a learning experience (totally not together anymore – yay me!).

Noa February 10, 2012 at 1:40 am

I’m more surprised he’s not dead. Well done!

Bobbie February 6, 2012 at 7:52 am

I learned that you should write your own wedding vows, because if you use the standard ones, that vowing to “obey” shit gets thrown in your face a LOT. And the “I was eighteen! I didn’t mean it!” defense really doesn’t work.

Stephanie February 6, 2012 at 8:02 am

We took the “obey” out of our wedding vows. Hell no I do not “obey”!

Noa February 10, 2012 at 1:41 am

@Bobbie: I need to tell the fun story about writing our own wedding vows one day. Thanks for reminding me! And I made SURE that shit wasn’t in there. I obey no one.

@Stephanie: HUZZAH!

Jillian @ Brilliant Title February 6, 2012 at 8:18 am

I’m not married either, but I thank you for the advice! I’m going to post this on my future shared refrigerator, in which everything belongs to me.

Although relationships are definitely not marriage, I can tell you that I learned that I’m not nearly as interesting as I think I am. After the first few weeks of awww-cuddles-and-omg-you-like-that-obscure-band-too-ha-we’re-too-precious, he starts telling me stories from his childhood that explain why he’s afraid of corn huskers and I’m like, “Will you shut the fuck up? The Bachelor is on…”
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..Does Don McLean Know About This?

Dana the Biped February 6, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Is it everything in the marriage that belongs to you, or everything in the refrigerator?
Dana the Biped recently posted..Well, That Was a Disappointment.

Jillian @ Brilliant Title February 6, 2012 at 4:42 pm

I meant the refrigerator, because I consider all food fair game. But as Noa said, I’m sure that attitude will seep into other parts of life as well.
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..Does Don McLean Know About This?

Jen February 7, 2012 at 2:03 pm

My short people have been trained to NEVER interrupt mommy when she’ll watching anything involving a rose ceremony, crowning for Ultimate Grand Supreme, or Nathan Fillion.
Jen recently posted..Kids are Assholes (umm, I Mean, People), Too

Jillian @ Brilliant Title February 7, 2012 at 7:48 pm

I work for a company which frequently recites studies of how watching television turns kids’ brains to mush…which will be my excuse, when I have my own kids, to forbid them from being in the room while I watch my semi-scripted reality TV.
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..Does Don McLean Know About This?

Noa February 10, 2012 at 1:43 am

@Jillian: That realization happens with every relationship–friendship, sistership, pickleship. And it sucks each and every time. No I do NOT want to hear about your camp experience. I’m on pinterest.

@Dana: Both.

@Jen: can I have kids but have you raise them?

Jane February 6, 2012 at 8:28 am

I’ve learned my husband can stare into the cupboard/fridge/pantry straight at whatever it is he’s looking for, and never see it. I love swooping in and making things appear like magic. It’s like I have a superpower. I also love saying, “You’re a bad looker.” No one thinks it’s funny but me.

My husband has learned that sometimes it is okay to just give in to his wife even if he thinks I’m badshit. Like letting go about trying to put air fresheners in the car that I say give me headaches, and he says I’m just imagining it. Wait, I just remembered I found a hidden one yesterday… he thought he was being sneaky, but I’m on to him. Maybe he hasn’t learned anything.
Jane recently posted..Just a number

Noa February 10, 2012 at 1:44 am

Adrian does the same thing. “Where’s the butter?” It’s in the blue thing that says butter in the clear drawer, ass. Pick it the fuck up.

Jen February 6, 2012 at 8:47 am

The whole concept of marriage is whickety-whack in my opinion. “Oh, I see…I don’t get to sleep with anyone else EVER AGAIN and when we break up you get half of my shit?” Oh, H-E-L-L to the no. I got married because I was almost thirty and it seemed like a good way to throw a little stability into the mix. Unfortunately, looking to someone like my ex for “stability” is a little like looking to Stephen Hawking for physical therapy. Not that I’m putting down marriage as a whole. . .or a “hole”. . .which it is. . .
Jen recently posted..Deeeeeeeeeep Thoughts

Noa February 10, 2012 at 1:46 am

I got real goddamn lucky with Adrian, as he hasn’t become a terror monster yet. He might, and if that day comes I’m fucked because the asshole has really grown on me.

Also, your Hawking line had me cracking up for daysssss.

Kella February 6, 2012 at 8:55 am

I’ve learned that, no matter what it is, my husband’s e-peen is mightier than the truth.

This includes anything that could possibly be staring him in the face. Such as that argument we had, publicly, for 15 minutes, on whether or not he was allowed to purchase my cigarettes for me (back when I was a smoker) because he wasn’t born in this country.

Trust me. After that argument, they all start to make a sort of quasi-sense after that.

Our marriage goes through “I love you” peaks and “I keep you around because you’re like Chewbacca without all the hair and therefore I’m safe from muggers. And Trekkies.” valleys…
Kella recently posted..Demand to speak to life’s manager!

Noa February 10, 2012 at 1:47 am

I do a lot of laying on the floor of my closet arguments with Adrian. Generally, if I’m in a phase where I’m laying on my closet floor shouting, we’re going through a rougher patch.

Misty February 6, 2012 at 8:59 am

When the hubs and I started living together, way pre-marriage, it almost ended us. Probably didn’t help that I had gone directly from my parents house, with a mom that wouldn’t actually allow me to do my own laundry, to living with the later-to-be hubs. Let’s just say I was a little spoiled. It was not working out. So we had a splitting up/cooling down period and we vowed NOT to live together unless we were getting married. Cut to about 3 years later, still dating, each have our own place, engaged. Fuck, this means we have to live together again? (By now I had grown up A LOT since living on my own . . . and ironically he really wanted me to move in with him and I was resistant). So, we moved in together and worked on not killing each other. It is still a work in progress. Nobody is dead yet, so I guess we are doing a bang up job of it!
Misty recently posted..Misty’s Laws

Noa February 10, 2012 at 1:49 am

I think Adrian and I have lived apart a whole…month? Month, I’m pretty sure. That’s in the entire 4 years we’ve known each other, not just the three we’ve been married. Moving almost kills us, but living together? I’m an excellent ignorer.

And I consider marriage a mind-blowing success when you’re not on Investigation Discovery. Hooray!

Jaclyn February 6, 2012 at 9:29 am

What I learned, that I truly did not expect, is that marriage is only shitty for the woman. Unless she doesn’t put out, then it’s shitty for the guy too. But in general, if the marriage is mostly happy, that means your wife only wants to kick you in the nuts like 60% of the time.

I think that as women we idealize it. We want weddings more than marriages. I don’t need a dude being so comfortable with me that he walks into the bathroom while I’m taking a shit (Seriously. Like every fucking time. I DON’T NEED SHIT COMPANY!). But with guys, they tend to wait longer to get married until they get all the not-married stuff out of their systems. So then they can just settle down and be their natural, disgusting selves. And then you have to live with his natural, disgusting self.
Jaclyn recently posted..Busted Knees and Broken Faces

Jen February 6, 2012 at 9:34 am

Unfortunately, most men get married because they think they’ll have homemade dinners and sex on tap. Then they get married and realize that we’ve stopped cooking AND putting out. Suckas!
Jen recently posted..Deeeeeeeeeep Thoughts

Jackie G February 6, 2012 at 9:52 am

My husband likes to call them “doo-doo buddies”, and thankfully he prefers the cat to me.

Tania February 12, 2012 at 3:49 am

That. Is. Hilarious.

Noa February 10, 2012 at 1:51 am

@Jaclyn: Adrian has had the exact opposite experience, which makes me really reconsider what kind of person I am. Damnit.

@Jen: Adrian has never had EITHER. I am a wizard.

@Jackie: No one needs doo-doo buddies. No one.

Jana February 6, 2012 at 9:34 am

My husband often complains about the shaving the back hair thingy…..so much so that when I forget to do it, he makes comments like….”so I could totally dread lock my back hair”…..or (my favorite)….”I was outside without my shirt and could totally feel my back hair blowing in the wind”. So, what did I do??? I was a good little wife and shaved it, along with making a beautiful little heart out of the hair right above his ass. Now all his fire buddies can see how much I love him.
Jana recently posted..How we frightened the taco man

Laura February 8, 2012 at 10:25 am

YOU ARE MY HERO! Although instead of fire buddies, I refer to his boyfriends. The World’s Hottest FF does his own grooming, but I have been so tempted when he’s slacking off on it. I have to shave my legs? Shave your f*cking back! And while you’re at it, trim your pubes! I’m sure your boyfriend will like it, too.

Noa February 10, 2012 at 1:53 am

@Jana: Holy shit. I bow down to you, ma’am. You win.

@Laura: There’s a very fine hair line on men, and very very few men know what that line is.

nadine February 6, 2012 at 9:36 am

I’m divorced. I have a boyfriend that I live with. I don’t know if I want to marry him though because he won’t pop my zits if I get one on my back. That’s important to me. I’d do it for him, but he’s grossed out? I have to look at HIS BALLS, and one little zit is grossing him out? Get out of here.
nadine recently posted..American Domesticated Shorthair Nadine

Jaclyn February 6, 2012 at 1:06 pm

WE DISCUSSED THIS NADINE. Zit popping is unreasonable, you disgusting bitch.
Jaclyn recently posted..Asshole Time 2.0

Front Desk Ninja February 6, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Dude I’m with Jaclyn on this.
Minus the name calling.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Only Six Days In And I Might Have To Break My Goal, For Fucks Sake

Brandon S February 7, 2012 at 11:28 am

Wait until what you think is a zit … isn’t really a zit. Put that in your hat and think about it.
Brandon S recently posted..To Mancave or Not to Mancave? That is the question.

nadine February 7, 2012 at 9:10 pm

jesus. i want to know what else it would be, besides reproduction by means of budding.
nadine recently posted..American Domesticated Shorthair Nadine

Noa February 10, 2012 at 1:55 am

@Nadine: Balls are inexcusable. Always.

@Jaclyn & FDN: If you can reach it, it’s yours. Sorry, Nadine.

@Brandon: And now I fear Alien.

Carri February 6, 2012 at 9:58 am

I’m going to write a book for husbands-to-be. It will have one chapter with two sentences: “A happy wife is a happy life. The End.”
Basically, don’t walk around touching your balls and I won’t nag you until you jump off a cliff.
Carri recently posted..International Delight Coffee Klatch Campaign

Noa February 10, 2012 at 1:55 am

BALLS.

No balls, ever. Ever. I don’t want to see them.

Shudder.

Ally February 6, 2012 at 10:10 am

I don’t know how you all stay married to dudes. It seems horrible.

However, if I find another used tissue in our bed I am probably going to kill my wife.
Ally recently posted..I don’t have a good excuse

Dear Sweet Mama February 8, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Are you sleepin with my woman? WHY do they do that!! One of these days, the Concubine is going to be found wrapped in a wad of used kleenex. Just sayin.

Terry February 8, 2012 at 3:26 pm

LOL, I gross myself out with this! I’ve had sinus issues so long I don’t even wake up to get a kleenex, but later to them ramdomly scattered in bed with me.

Noa February 10, 2012 at 1:57 am

@Ally: You have precedent here. Tissues are gross.

@DSM: This is a trend? What the HELL?!

@Terry: Adrian gets like this is the spring. Meaning, I ignore him all spring.

Jackie G February 6, 2012 at 10:18 am

I have learned that no matter where we are, and regardless if I’ve ever been there before in my life, I know exactly how to get anywhere my husband asks. No matter he’s lived in this frozen hellhole for 5 months longer than I have, I know how to get wherever he wants, and if I say I don’t I am a liar and an obvious bitch.

My husband has learned that leaving dishes next to the sink/on the couch/anywhere the cat can get it is punishable by a thorough chew out and a unapologetic slap in the balls. I’m sorry, if you can walk your ass to the sink to lay the dish right next to it, you can fucking put it down inside. Facetious dick.

We have both learned that if one of us is mad, playing the “what would you do if I died on you like this” game will immediately erase the anger, and channel it instead to a full blown competition on who can come up with the most ridiculous dead pose.

Noa February 10, 2012 at 2:00 am

“We have both learned that if one of us is mad, playing the “what would you do if I died on you like this” game will immediately erase the anger, and channel it instead to a full blown competition on who can come up with the most ridiculous dead pose.”

You have just changed the future of my marriage. Thank you so very much.

Jen W February 6, 2012 at 11:15 am

When I met my husband, he was totally self sufficient. He washed, dried, folded and put away his laundry, did his dishes, cooked his own meals, cleaned his apartment, and handled his bills. Somehow he forgot how to do ALL those things as soon as we moved in together. He will still do it if forced to, but his skills have gotten significantly worse over the years.

I learned that once I got married it became my job to cut/pluck all unwanted and gross hairs on his body. Next time I write up my resume I’m adding expert ear hair trimmer to it. I guess it’s my own fault for marrying a man 10 years older than me. Just to clairify, he’s 40 and I’m 30 so it’s not some sort of creepy grandpa fetish or anything.

Just once, when he walks up to me and says “Can you take a look at this?” I want him to be holding something shiny and gorgeous in a box from the jewelry store instead of needing me to investigate and pop an unreachable body zit.

I think that part of having a Y chromosome is being totally unable to find anything, particularly if it is right in front of your face. He also assumes I am psychic and know where EVERYTHING is, even if I’ve never used/touched it and wasn’t the person who put it away in the first place.

Of course, I can live with it all b/c he’s an amazing father, great provider and a sweet, loving husband…occasional body zits, ear hair and all.

Noa February 10, 2012 at 2:01 am

Adrian was never self-sufficient in the first place, but he married the queen of the lazies. We both lost.

Kim at Let Me Start By Saying February 6, 2012 at 11:36 am

There is absolutely no limit to the casualness of the most disgusting conversations you will have behind closed doors. Dating my husband, I did not have in-depth dissertations about when exactly that pustule on his upper back may explode and the potential blood/pus ratio, or whether the consistency of my post-anal-surgery shits are that day.

That I will tolerate tripping over his offing sneakers which he manages to leave in a hidden spot directly in my path 2x a day every day for the past 12 years, because he never forgets to bring me home an individual cheesecake from Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse when he eats there a few times a year.

I love your list. Husband & I always have a tendency to dress similarly, so we do a check before leaving the house together. We’ve been confused for siblings while grocery shopping once, pre-kids. Which means he French-kissed me in front of the cashier after calling me “Sis”.

Noa February 10, 2012 at 2:03 am

We’ve also been confused for siblings, and once, more awesomely, confused as a bluegrass band in a home depot by 4 separate people. French kissing equally weird in both scenarios.

L-Diggitty February 6, 2012 at 11:47 am

Oh lordy. We’re still in the first few months of our marriage… good to know this is coming!

I have a feeling it’s going to be MY pickiness that causes negotiaggression…
L-Diggitty recently posted..fear of flying

Noa February 10, 2012 at 2:03 am

Then you’ll get the same line Adrian does. “If you want it done like that, you do it.” Best of luck!

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd February 6, 2012 at 11:58 am

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – make bets. Save yourself an argument if it’s about verifiable information. Bet a buck and move on. I find we usually break even – we take turns being right. If you lose all the time, it will also teach you a valuable lesson about shutting your trap.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Dog Rescue: A Cast of Five

Beth February 9, 2012 at 12:10 pm

We bet too, but the stakes in our bets are really embarrassing. Once I had to clean the kitchen floor, butt ass naked with just an apron on and a pair of slippers for swearing I took a movie back to Blockbuster. I thought I had, but it was in my backseat the whole time. At least when you are wrong it can be funny.
Beth recently posted..Beauty Fucking Hurts!

Noa February 10, 2012 at 2:04 am

@Carrie: I’d lose always. I know my lazy too well. And I never carry cash–I’d end up whoring myself out to him.

@Beth: Well if we’re betting for shit like that I think I could not be lazy.

Suburban Snapshots February 6, 2012 at 12:27 pm

What I’ve learned is that everything in this post and what’s in the comments is still the small stuff. Important, sure. But the big work is more than taking shits and scratching balls, or having to keep a mental inventory of every single item in your house. It’s understanding what vows mean when confronted with all the humanness of your spouse, in its beauty and deformity. It’s learning to recognize that we are all flawed and making an effort to love inclusive of the flaws.
Suburban Snapshots recently posted..Still Cheaper Than a Baby

Noa February 10, 2012 at 2:05 am

Well put.

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) February 6, 2012 at 12:40 pm

It’s like this:

I know for absolute fact that the very act of me climbing into the tub to take a long relaxing soak will trigger a simultaneous response in my husband’s bowels and he will feel the need to take a giant smelly shit that I am unable to escape from.

Every.

Time.
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..The Great Refatting

Jana February 6, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Or pre-flushing…..what, for the love that is all good and holy, can they not PRE-FLUSH
Jana recently posted..If you are going to do the jackrabbit, take a hint safety first

Angela February 7, 2012 at 10:31 am

And that is why I insisted when we bought our first house that it MUST have a minimum of two bathrooms. I have my glorious, clean, decorated bathroom, he has his spartan, disgusting shitbox. It makes all the difference in the world.

Noa February 10, 2012 at 2:07 am

@Danielle: Lock that door, yo. Or set a trap. Enough is enough.

@Jana: Adrian can’t even remember to shut the door afterwards.

@Angela: I once had 2 baths. I miss those days so much.

Dana the Biped February 6, 2012 at 12:56 pm

I’m sorry, I think I had a comment in mind, but then I got distracted by the Rock the Red Pump ad, in which no one seems to be wearing any pants. For clarification, I think you’re probably supposed to rock the red pump, but not the Brittany Spears-esque crotch show.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Well, That Was a Disappointment.

Noa February 10, 2012 at 2:07 am

I like to think they have sassy panties on.

Johi February 6, 2012 at 1:24 pm

I now know that two people can have an entire conversation without listening to each other! It is magical.
Johi recently posted..Whoops. I must have dialed 1986.

Noa February 10, 2012 at 2:08 am

We haven’t picked that skill up yet. I still get super angry and resentful about not listening, unless it’s me not listening, in which it’s cool.

AmyBlam February 6, 2012 at 1:35 pm

I have a friend, a real friend not a made up so I have a friend situation, who only gives blowjobs when her husband unloads the dishwasher. Fortunately, I don’t have to resort to those tactics as I can just tell bratchild to put away dishes.
AmyBlam recently posted..Pinterest may make me a drunk. A drunk with fresh breath but a drunk nonetheless…

Noa February 10, 2012 at 2:09 am

Adrian would have this place so clean, but my jaw would hurt a lot.

Padded Cell Princess February 6, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Not wearing more than one piece of linen clothing at a time should be a rule for anyone…married or not!
You are so lucky that you only have to shave his neck! I have a whole back that I had no idea I’d have to shave once I became a wife! I have learned that I can’t take my top off at any time without him turning into a teenage boy who instinctively put his hand out to reach and says, “Boobies!”. I also found that this was handy if I didn’t think he was paying attention to something I was saying.
I’ve also learned that shouldn’t expect my brilliant, PhD student for a husband to know typical things that girls would know. For example, I looked up a spinning class (I’m a girl, let me ride a bike because I don’t want to beef out and have no boobs from weight lifting!), he saw the spinning class and said, “Oh that’s what spinning is??” to which I asked, “What did you think it was?”. Apparently my genius husband thought people paid to go to the gym so they could put their arms out and spin themselves in circles like 3 year old girls in twirly dresses!
Padded Cell Princess recently posted..Now this is talent!

Stephanie February 6, 2012 at 2:11 pm

My almost-there PhD husband tried to call me out for taking my purse to the bathroom when we were out with friends. His “What, you don’t trust our friends?” comment was met with incredulous looks from every woman there.

Noa February 10, 2012 at 2:11 am

@Stephanie: What the hell? You NEVER leave your purse or phone. NEVER.

Jackie G February 6, 2012 at 6:00 pm

I’m kind of pissed that spinning in a twirly dress isn’t a class at the gym.

Noa February 10, 2012 at 2:11 am

Ditto.

Jen W February 7, 2012 at 1:06 pm

I too deal with the “Boobies!” comment and obligatory grab every time I take my shirt off in front of my husband. I also totally use it to get his attention….and, although he has seen them over and over for the last six years, it works every damn time.

Noa February 10, 2012 at 2:12 am

It’s good to know that weapon will never fade. I use that shit all the time.

Noa February 10, 2012 at 2:10 am

@PCP: (I love these initials) I read this comment out loud to Adrian, and he asked me, “Did you write that? That’s sharing too much about me.” That’s how frighteningly familiar this looked. The boobies thing will never go away, I fear, but now I use it as a weapon.

jennielynn February 6, 2012 at 7:34 pm

I’ve learned that you never, ever call a VW bus a van. I’ve learned to tell the difference between a Vespa and a Lambretta. I’ve learned how not to fall asleep when the man I love is droning on about engines, transmissions and tire pressure. I’ve also learned that a really good blow job will make up for falling asleep while my husband is droning on about the above.
jennielynn recently posted..Shit People Say To Nook Users

Noa February 10, 2012 at 2:12 am

I learned to never call concrete “cement.” Big difference, apparently.

Lilscorpiosweet February 6, 2012 at 9:05 pm

I have been married one time and getting ready to get divorced for the first and last time.

I learned in my marriage that the man will always revert into the teenage boy that their mother’s warned me about. I also learned that whatever household chore they are supposed to do because its a law of nature or some such thing they will not do it unless nagged to death about it. Also they become their father while you turn into either your mom or their mom.

I am thinking of getting married again but only because I am madly in love with him. I am giving it 4 years before we tie the knot so I am currently living with him and things are going great.. we share things and there are just things we don’t share.. and we definitely don’t dress alike.. So maybe that only happens to some couples. I never ever dressed like my S/O, so I guess there is that.
Lilscorpiosweet recently posted..Friday Chair Tippin…

Noa February 10, 2012 at 2:13 am

Adrian and I only wear 4 colors, so the chances of us dressing alike are very high. We set ourselves up for that.

themandilee February 6, 2012 at 9:07 pm

My mom loves to tell me how she burned the f*@k out of pancakes and my dad still ate them, my dad tells me how my mom forgave him for stopping a moving vehicle armed with only his bare hands and a belly full or liquor, which are cute stories about my parents in their younger years but much like not telling me about spoons and the color orange doesn’t give me sh*t to go on. So, I figure my best bet is to buy two of those giant q-tip things they used on American Gladiators and aim for his knees… this is my divorce prevention plan.Unless he really pisses me off, then it is my retirement plan; hurrah life insurance!

Noa February 10, 2012 at 2:14 am

Century Martial Arts sells those with varying degrees of padding.

Weird that I know that.

Kelly February 6, 2012 at 10:56 pm

After 22 years together, and 17 years of marriage, I’ve learned this: If you’re going to be an asshole, you’d better be a funny asshole. Otherwise, keep it to yourself. And also, say ‘thank you’.
Kelly recently posted..Memory

Noa February 10, 2012 at 2:14 am

My God–truer words were never spoken.

Kelly February 7, 2012 at 8:43 am

I’ve learned that while him cleaning the kitchen is a very thoughtful and appreciated task, it takes me longer to find all the shit he “put away” than to just clean the damned kitchen myself. Also? If I don’t want my wool sweaters to fit a chihuahua, I should just not buy wool sweaters, because he’ll wash them. C? He can crack off farts as often as he breathes, but I fart in front of him once every six months, and you’d think I shat my pants. Farting is equal opportunity, buttnugget.
Kelly recently posted..Happy One Year Closer To Being A Teenager, Dear Daughter…

Erin February 9, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Yes! Holy shit, yes. Kelly, we are living parallel lives.
Erin recently posted..The Bachelor, Ep. 6: Do you want my mouth closed, or open?

Noa February 10, 2012 at 2:15 am

@Kelly: Adrian no longer cleans things because it just makes me so sad. Glad to know I’m not alone.

Brandon S February 7, 2012 at 11:34 am

What, do you ask, did I learn from marriage? Where the “un-friend” button is on Facebook because of some random couple spouting on in their It’s-still-our-hooneymoon-and-we-haven’t-learned-to-shout-yet speeches. Seriously guys. This is what sexting is for. There is no amount of Foldgers that will cover the bad taste left in my mouth with the first morning status updates are “I love you. Can’t wait to see you later.” Hello? Rusty fork anyone?

Oh… and that diamonds are reeeeeeealy sparkly.
Brandon S recently posted..To Mancave or Not to Mancave? That is the question.

Noa February 10, 2012 at 2:16 am

stfumarrieds.com. Gold. GOLD I tell you.

Also, I super hate when people talk to someone specific in general status updates. So weird.

Charity Woosley February 7, 2012 at 1:42 pm

We totally do the sentence thing. Although my favorite are the times that, somehow, my husband knows what I’m thinking.

“Jay, what was that restaurant called that was on that road I can’t remember and I ate there once with this guy at some job I worked at.”

And somehow, he’ll go, “Oh yeah, Pho’s Kitchen?” and somehow, he’s right.
Charity Woosley recently posted..Bowls. And fucks not given.

Noa February 10, 2012 at 2:17 am

Adrian does that sometimes. Much to learn, he has.

Shit. It’s too late. I’m yoda-ing.

robin February 7, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Oh so true so true. Yet we manage to thrive in spite of it all!

Noa February 10, 2012 at 2:17 am

It’s a goddamn miracle.

CAnne February 8, 2012 at 3:19 pm

You are just the best. I laugh more at your site than anything else. Now, finally, I understand my thing with too much linen. Lika an upscale hippee or Bible wear. Love the texting autocorrects. Cheers, CA

Noa February 10, 2012 at 2:19 am

Thanks, CAnne! I’m gad I can make you laugh. And yes, bible wear is the most accurate description.

Jaime February 8, 2012 at 6:10 pm

this is the most fucking true thing I’ve ever heard in my life…. it’s like you’re the motherfucking guru of shit people don’t tell you…. I think I’m going to start calling you that… or just motherfucking guru for short.

I think I’m going to link my friends to this post cuz I have a feeling they will all shake their heads in agreement the same way I was doing the whole goddamn time I was reading this.

thanks again Noa, the motherfucking guru.

Noa February 10, 2012 at 2:20 am

I like that. “Noa Gavin. Motherfucking Guru.”

Beth February 9, 2012 at 12:18 pm

My husband and I have been together for 15 years, but only married for 5 because we won a wedding. That was it, the only reason; I hate to see things go to waste.

I learned that you can use sex as a negotiation tool and that God camp (had to go before we could get married in the Catholic church) was wrong to suggest you shouldn’t. I have also learned separate sinks are a requirement because men never rinse that shit out after they shave, brush their teeth, or launch up lung butter.
Beth recently posted..Beauty Fucking Hurts!

Noa February 10, 2012 at 2:20 am

Wait. Won a wedding? Do tell.

Beth February 10, 2012 at 7:48 am

I was visiting my tiny hometown one weekend in September 2005 and my mother in law wanted to go to a bridal show she saw advertised in the local paper. I obliged because I didn’t have anything else going on and I wanted some cake. We go there and put our names in the drawing for door prizes. I had no idea what I was getting myself in to, but I figured if I won a pedicure I could just give it to her. I also want to mention I never win shit, so I didn’t hold much stock in winning anything. Well, I won the goddamn grand prize which included a reception location, tux rentals, money off a dress, a cake, DJ, and random other random shit. It expired in a year so I went home, called my now husband and said what are you doing in September of next year. He said he didn’t have anything planned and I said, well do you want to get married because I won this fucking basket of wedding shit. We got married in September 2006 before it expired.
Beth recently posted..Beauty Fucking Hurts!

Erin February 9, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Amen to all of it. If my husband had his way I would look like an unshaven earth mother in turquoise jewelry every day. I have no idea where this hippie fetish comes from. Soon after we married he declared my tan corduroy jacket — my favorite thing ever — made me look like the marlboro man. Never mind that he’s been wearing black t-shirts, 80s jeans, and black sweaters since the day I met him; I apparently am not allowed to wear corduroy jackets.
Erin recently posted..The Bachelor, Ep. 6: Do you want my mouth closed, or open?

Noa February 10, 2012 at 2:21 am

Adrian’s “Born Again Pagan” shirt made it’s way to the recesses of his closets. Weird how those things happen…

elizabeth- flourishinprogress February 14, 2012 at 9:24 pm

The only thing I’ve learned from being married is that I really, really, really suck at it and I thank God every day that He gave me a man who is so dope.
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..Monday Dare: Dragon Water

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:19 pm

You and me both, my friend.

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