Real estate is a goddamn sham.
“What are you looking for? A one bedroom study? A two bedroom with a weird balcony? A townhouse with two baths but with a guaranteed robbery? A condo with an orgy turret?”
Those homes are as boring as hearing Ruth Bader Ginsburg describe her masturbatory habits. No one wants to see that. Anymore.
Dangerballs need homes that are like Ru-Paul knitting colorful and furry dick snoods for the under-dickpriveleged. A few simple adjustments and VOILA, MOTHERFUCKERS.
- Conveyer Belts Instead Of Stairs: Not an escalator, but just a belt where you can throw all your shit that needs to go up or downstairs, including your too-tired or horribly drunk ass. Also, they’re just fun to ride for hours for people of all ages. No need for baby gates, he’ll just be deposited gently at the bottom. Unless he’s balanced between the two belts, then he’ll just spin like a cyclone for hours. That’s pretty entertaining until he pukes.
- Tutorial Mirrors: Need help deciding what to wear? Want to learn the perfect smoky-eye? Are your coke-lines straight enough? Mirrors should be as functional as iPads, and should feature a variety of celebrity voices including but not limited to: Hunter S. Thompson, Maya Angelou, Stephen King, and Joe Biden.
- Folding Dryer: When the dryer buzzes, your clothes come out perfectly folded and sorted. You’ll never get dressed out of the dryer again.
- Shower Bed: Lay down, go back to sleep, and your shower will bathe you with never-ending hot water and the sweet sounds of Adele and Morgan Freeman making the prettiest sounding babies the world has ever known.
- Foam Pit: Who doesn’t want a foam pit with swinging ropes and trampolines and a huge climbing wall off which to leap? Seriously realtors, if it doesn’t have a foam pit, then fuck you.
- Ghostbusters Game Room: You have to wear the suit and proton pack, but you get to battle the Stay Puft man, the Titanic victims, Gozer, and Rick Moranis while Bill Murray cracks wise.
- DinoWalken Doorbell: On the inside of the house, it’s Christopher Walken saying “Hey–you–get the door,” and on the outside, you hear a T-Rex shredding a person while they scream helplessly, “IF ONLY I HADN’T RUNG THE FUCKING DOORBELL LIKE AN ASSHOLE.”
- The Exer-Couch: Sit down, kick your feet up, watch an SVU marathon, and the couch will move your arms and legs about providing resistance and weight training.
- The Hammock Room: 30 x 30 room filled floor to ceiling by hammocks. Climb like a mug all around that shit, because if you fall, you’ll just land in another fucking hammock. There’s a life lesson in that, y’all.
- Legends Of The Hidden Temple backyard: Those fucking kids could NEVER reach the monkey idol in time, but you know you could have. Plus, what you wouldn’t give to punch one of the mummies in the taint.
- Corn-Dog Delivery Tube: Like the bank vacuum tubes, but for corn-dogs and mustard anytime one chooses. “Oh man, I’m ironing but jonesing fierce for a corn-dog. Damn…if only!” DREAM NO MORE. Why Corn-Dogs? They have a turning radius like a mouse’s butthole.
- Kirk Cameron
- The Holodeck Attic: Geordi La Forge–I, too, would like to spend hours talking to Mark Twain or Whoopi Goldberg. Stop hogging that shit for yourself.
- Life-Affirming Flooring: Whatever your flooring choice, it will support you and your goals heartily and aim to keep you on track for being the most awesome person ever. Life-Affirming Flooring never judges, only encourages and cleans easily with a vacuum.
- Lazy River: Inside your home, at 90 degrees year-round. BECAUSE FUCK YEAH, THAT’S WHY.