The Dangerballs Guide To: Home Sweet Jesus Christ That’s Awesome

02/20/2012 · 94 comments

in Dangerballs, Kirk Cameron, Rick Moranis

Real estate is a goddamn sham.

“What are you looking for? A one bedroom study? A two bedroom with a weird balcony? A townhouse with two baths but with a guaranteed robbery? A condo with an orgy turret?”

No.
Fuck you.
Those homes are as boring as hearing Ruth Bader Ginsburg describe her masturbatory habits. No one wants to see that. Anymore.

Dangerballs need homes that are like Ru-Paul knitting colorful and furry dick snoods for the under-dickpriveleged. A few simple adjustments and VOILA, MOTHERFUCKERS.

  • Conveyer Belts Instead Of Stairs: Not an escalator, but just a belt where you can throw all your shit that needs to go up or downstairs, including your too-tired or horribly drunk ass. Also, they’re just fun to ride for hours for people of all ages. No need for baby gates, he’ll just be deposited gently at the bottom. Unless he’s balanced between the two belts, then he’ll just spin like a cyclone for hours. That’s pretty entertaining until he pukes.
  • Tutorial Mirrors: Need help deciding what to wear? Want to learn the perfect smoky-eye? Are your coke-lines straight enough? Mirrors should be as functional as iPads, and should feature a variety of celebrity voices including but not limited to: Hunter S. Thompson, Maya Angelou, Stephen King, and Joe Biden.
  • Folding Dryer: When the dryer buzzes, your clothes come out perfectly folded and sorted. You’ll never get dressed out of the dryer again.
  • Shower Bed: Lay down, go back to sleep, and your shower will bathe you with never-ending hot water and the sweet sounds of Adele and Morgan Freeman making the prettiest sounding babies the world has ever known.
  • Foam Pit: Who doesn’t want a foam pit with swinging ropes and trampolines and a huge climbing wall off which to leap? Seriously realtors, if it doesn’t have a foam pit, then fuck you.
  • Ghostbusters Game Room: You have to wear the suit and proton pack, but you get to battle the Stay Puft man, the Titanic victims, Gozer, and Rick Moranis while Bill Murray cracks wise.
  • DinoWalken Doorbell: On the inside of the house, it’s Christopher Walken saying “Hey–you–get the door,” and on the outside, you hear a T-Rex shredding a person while they scream helplessly, “IF ONLY I HADN’T RUNG THE FUCKING DOORBELL LIKE AN ASSHOLE.”
  • The Exer-Couch: Sit down, kick your feet up, watch an SVU marathon, and the couch will move your arms and legs about providing resistance and weight training.
  • The Hammock Room: 30 x 30 room filled floor to ceiling by hammocks. Climb like a mug all around that shit, because if you fall, you’ll just land in another fucking hammock. There’s a life lesson in that, y’all.
  • Legends Of The Hidden Temple backyard: Those fucking kids could NEVER reach the monkey idol in time, but you know you could have. Plus, what you wouldn’t give to punch one of the mummies in the taint.
  • Corn-Dog Delivery Tube: Like the bank vacuum tubes, but for corn-dogs and mustard anytime one chooses. “Oh man, I’m ironing but jonesing fierce for a corn-dog. Damn…if only!” DREAM NO MORE. Why Corn-Dogs? They have a turning radius like a mouse’s butthole.
  • Kirk Cameron
  • The Holodeck Attic: Geordi La Forge–I, too, would like to spend hours talking to Mark Twain or Whoopi Goldberg. Stop hogging that shit for yourself.
  • Life-Affirming Flooring: Whatever your flooring choice, it will support you and your goals heartily and aim to keep you on track for being the most awesome person ever. Life-Affirming Flooring never judges, only encourages and cleans easily with a vacuum.
  • Lazy River: Inside your home, at 90 degrees year-round. BECAUSE FUCK YEAH, THAT’S WHY.
Excuse me, I have a lease to re-negotiate.
What would you love to see in your current home? In the home of your wildest dreams, what’s in it?
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Carri: “Juanita Weasel is the new black.” 
Christine February 20, 2012 at 2:37 am

Furry dick snood sounds like the most foul and disgusting sexual act ever – so naturally it’s my new favorite phrase. I’ll be working it into my daily conversations like a mofo.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:09 am

Report on success.

alicia February 20, 2012 at 2:52 am

This is my favorite post…mostly because I freaked the fuck out when you said Legends of the Hidden Temple. Then you said what everyone has been thinking all these years about that damn gold monkey!

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:09 am

Fuck those assholes. They could never get it in time! Just push them bitches out the way and get it.

Laura February 20, 2012 at 3:12 am

I really need one of those tutorial mirrors.

Once, when I was house-hunting, I saw a house with a brick bathtub. I’m not talking about the area around the tub — the tub itself, the part that comes in contact with your body when you take a bath, was made of bricks. The homeowner had built it himself and was very proud of it.
Laura recently posted..The Five Stages of Realizing You’ve Written a Poorly-Worded Blog Comment

Front Desk Ninja February 20, 2012 at 5:33 am

Is it wrong that I think that’s really fucking cool?
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Tribute To One Of My Internet Heroes, Take One: Jen

Laura February 20, 2012 at 6:27 am

I dare you to take a bath in that thing.
Laura recently posted..The Five Stages of Realizing You’ve Written a Poorly-Worded Blog Comment

Andi Davies February 20, 2012 at 10:59 am

That was my first thought. EXACTLY.
Andi Davies recently posted..On Doing Things Badly

Front Desk Ninja February 20, 2012 at 3:04 pm

I totally would. What do I win for doing the dare?
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Tribute To One Of My Internet Heroes, Take One: Jen

Laura February 20, 2012 at 4:04 pm

I’m pretty sure you’d get a free butt exfoliation. But that’s just a natural reward of the brick bath — from me, you’ll get my eternal respect. I’m not sure which is more valuable.
Laura recently posted..The Five Stages of Realizing You’ve Written a Poorly-Worded Blog Comment

Front Desk Ninja February 20, 2012 at 11:42 pm

Respect. I’m like Paul Walker in Fast and the Furious.
Respect means everything on the internetz.

A baby soft bum doesn’t hurt to sweeten the deal either, though.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Tribute To One Of My Internet Heroes, Take One: Jen

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:10 am

@Laura: Are you sure it wasn’t a bathtub for killing people?

@FDN: Yes.

@Andi: Right? Ouch.

Front Desk Ninja February 20, 2012 at 5:40 am

Noa, you need to warn someone when you’re about to post, so I can jump on and not be doing something lame like my job. Seriously, woman. I’m losing my mad cred skillz as the first commenter. I’m ashamed!

Anywhore,

I would love a hammock room. That shit would be awesome. But the tutorial mirror needs to also include Morgan Freeman’s voice, and the voice of a really hot Aussie. I don’t care what his name is, but I picture all the dirty jokes about “down under” and I cannot help but desire this to be true.

I would like to actually have a current home. That would be best. I’m not even picky about the appearance yet. My wildest dream home includes things like hammocks on a wraparound deck, three floors and at the top there’s a slide that goes all the way to the basement, and a couple of hidden rooms. And I want a room with a comfy oversized chair and walls of books.

My kitchen will be open and large and have an island where I can watch everyone in the living room while I’m baking sweet delicious items, and after a long day I want one of those old soaker tubs, with the clawfoot legs and the old taps. Example: the tub that Allie was in after she passed out when she saw the house Noah built her in The Notebook (and automatically, fuck you Jaclyn for having something witty to say about my love for the cheesiest movie ever. I can feel the comment coming from here, and you’re still sleeping. GET OUT OF MY HEAD)

A staircase that I can press a button at the top and have it turn into a really big slide would also be pretty fucking sweet. A laundry shoot that puts all the clothes into the washer, sorted out properly with pockets checked, and does it before drying and then folding. I expanded your idea, I want supreme lazy when it comes to the goddamn laundry.

I think that’s it, for now. Not too much to ask for, eh?
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Tribute To One Of My Internet Heroes, Take One: Jen

Mandi E. February 20, 2012 at 6:42 am

Wait… you live where most of the HGTV show take place. Maybe you should petition one of these shows to make your dream home and film it for a special that gets aired in some otherwise useless timeslot like the Rose Parade or the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade, or a Jersey Shore marathon.
Mandi E. recently posted..Jedis, Dildos, and Blow – My Life on the Road

Front Desk Ninja February 20, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I don’t have a sob story that can be exploited though. Nothing I’d want the entire nation and YouTube fanatics to read about, at least.

Besides, I’m a stubborn bitch who plans to get everything on that list that I truly want and I’m not settling for less. I don’t swallow my pride easily and ask for help loads.

It would be fucking awesome if they randomly chose my name for the Heart and Stroke Calendar lottery though. That would be rad.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Tribute To One Of My Internet Heroes, Take One: Jen

Jen February 20, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Much as I can turn any conversation into a discussion of all things Nathan Fillion, I applaud your ability to inject Ryan Gosling into any comment. ((golf clap))
Jen recently posted..The 40 Year Old Born Again Virgin

Brandon S February 20, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Listen… Let’s just tell it like it is. You don’t want to even have to do laundry. I want a drop slot that my laundry falls into and magically reappears in my closet hung and clean. I think they call this a drycleaner. Though mine doesn’t have a key. Yet.

Front Desk Ninja February 20, 2012 at 3:07 pm

I don’t even want my clothes to go outside, though. I want a washer/dryer combination that does everything for me.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Tribute To One Of My Internet Heroes, Take One: Jen

Front Desk Ninja February 20, 2012 at 3:06 pm

He makes it almost too easy for me.

I’m considering switching to Channing Tatum for a while, though, because oh my fuck he is gorgeoussss….. even if he’s married.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Tribute To One Of My Internet Heroes, Take One: Jen

Brandon S February 21, 2012 at 9:18 am

If Channing Tatum and/or Ryan Gosling starts doing your laundry… I’ll bring the Tide.
Brandon S recently posted..Palm Springs Modern – Take a Dip in The Pool!

Front Desk Ninja February 21, 2012 at 11:26 pm

They wouldn’t just be doing my laundry.

Obviously I need my bathroom cleaned as well.
And clothing isn’t permitted, what if they ruined their good clothes? Tragic.

Bring popcorn as well and I’ll make sure you have a front row seat beside me.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..An Adventure In Becoming A Grown Up, take One

Brandon S February 24, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Is this one of those look but don’t touch type of shows? Cause I will admit…. I can be a little handsy.

How much butter?
Brandon S recently posted..Palm Springs Modern – Take a Dip in The Pool!

Jaclyn February 23, 2012 at 9:09 am

Ryan Gosling can lick my sweaty ballsack. Rachael McAdams too. She’s a whiny cunt in all of her movies, ESPECIALLY THE NOTEBOOK.
Jaclyn recently posted..Open-Mouthed Relaxation

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:12 am

@FDN: I want to be inside your head. This sounds fucking amazing in every way possible.

@Mandi: I think it might bankrupt them.

@Jen: That’s some talent.

@Brandon: That’s called a trash can and a VISA.

@Jaclyn: I loathe me some Nicholas sparks.

Julia Steele February 20, 2012 at 5:51 am

One addition: I need a constantly replenishing diet coke stream. Maybe the refrigerator could have a secret tunnel to the convenience store cooler. Once in a while if they throw in some beer, that’d be a-okay.
Julia Steele recently posted..Garlic-Ginger Shrimp with Kale

Mayor Gia February 20, 2012 at 9:41 am

I was thinking that too. But replace “diet coke” with “girl scout cookies.” Especially the thin mints. God bless whoever invented those.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Dear Boyfriend, Sorry ‘Bout the Crazy.

jennielynn February 20, 2012 at 10:21 am

A dispenser in the living room, next to the exer-couch. And a coffee dispenser next to the bed. On my side. With cream and sugar buttons. And a wine fridge by the bathtub. (But not the one made of bricks.)
jennielynn recently posted..Why Valentine’s Day is a Shitty Holiday and Chocolate Cherry Cake

Brandon S February 20, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Jennielynn… let me just tell you… the wine fridge by the bathtub is not so far fetched. In a recent client’s masterbath we installed not only said wine fridge but also a built in coffee/espresso maker.
Brandon S recently posted..Palm Springs Modern – Take a Dip in The Pool!

Mandi E. February 20, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Eww. Because nothing screams “high end spa” like fecal coliform bacteria in your coffee cups/wine glasses.
Mandi E. recently posted..Jedis, Dildos, and Blow – My Life on the Road

Brandon S February 21, 2012 at 9:18 am

You know the toilet goes in a separate room now right?
Brandon S recently posted..Palm Springs Modern – Take a Dip in The Pool!

Mandi E. February 21, 2012 at 10:56 am

The science doesn’t lie. Fecal coliform bacteria is projectile up to 100 feet. Unless you keep the door closed until flushing is finished, that shit’s in your cappuccino, no pun intended. Okay, maybe a little intended.
Mandi E. recently posted..Jedis, Dildos, and Blow – My Life on the Road

Brandon S February 21, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Ew.
Brandon S recently posted..Palm Springs Modern – Take a Dip in The Pool!

jennielynn February 22, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Okay, so I’m adding an automatic closing door to the toilet closet and installing a wine fridge by the tub. Check.
jennielynn recently posted..In The Mind Of The Mental Midget *UPDATED*

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:14 am

@Julia: Make that sweet tea and I’m in!

@Gia: Oh fuck yes Thin Mints.

@Jennielynn: Like the spigot things in the Hunger Games? Yes.

@Brandon: That sounds painful in the event of Naked espresso.

@Mandi: Science FTW!

Mandi E. February 20, 2012 at 6:46 am

Legends of the Hidden Temple was a knock off Double Dare without the slime. I’d see these little nerdlingers running around looking for buried treasure and shit, but said buried treasure wasn’t ensconced inside a 3 foot tall nose full of synthetic booger, so I couldn’t care less.

And my home tastes run to the simple. If I can get a few secret passageways that lead to a room where I can store my toys, I’d be happy. I’m a little tired of having to explain to people who help me move what a rabbit is and why it’s in my nightstand drawer.
Mandi E. recently posted..Jedis, Dildos, and Blow – My Life on the Road

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:16 am

It was a terrible knockoff but only with better shirts. They’re bringing back Double Dare!

And secret passageways are always necessary. I just wish I had one.

Sara February 20, 2012 at 7:20 am

I am all on board with the laundry magic and diet coke + beer magic in my house… but what I really want is for the floor to clean themselves… I have 100% tile, two kids and two dogs and a mother effin cat that bring every bit of sand and grass bits they can… not to mention fur… give me a house with floors that sweep and mop themselves and I will do ANYTHING YOU WANT!! Even that gross thing with the sparklers and pudding.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:16 am

I can’t imagine that making that floor would be that hard. SCIENCE, GET ON IT.

Sarah February 20, 2012 at 8:39 am

I want the damn Holodeck. Look at all of the inventions that have come from Star Trek– cell phones, sliding doors, etc. Why is no one working on my freaking Holodeck???
Sarah recently posted..The Mother-Heart Wound

Brandon S February 20, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Sarah we’re closer to that reality than you think…. http://worldsciencefestival.com/videos/introducing_the_real-life_holodeck
Brandon S recently posted..Palm Springs Modern – Take a Dip in The Pool!

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:17 am

@Sarah: Apparently CNN has one and they’re using it poorly.

@Brandon: OH SHIT.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd February 20, 2012 at 10:18 am

Lazy river indoor motes will be in the homes of the future, at least I hope they will be because that’s brilliant.

I’m ready for robot butlers, just so long as the Matrix comes after I’ve died so I don’t have to worry about it.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..The All-New Super Friends Shenanigans Round Up S2 Ep1-A

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:18 am

I am afraid of robots. I hope they never come, ever. Ever.

Monica February 20, 2012 at 10:47 am

I’d just like a cabinet that opens all the way and doesn’t bang into the microwave door. That way, I wouldn’t have to prop it open with my skull when I put dishes away. My building’s designers were morons.
Monica recently posted..Moar Dirty Hooker, now on Twitter

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:19 am

I wish I had more than one drawer in my kitchen. Sad.

Ally February 20, 2012 at 11:00 am

Is it too much to ask for a house with a room that is basically a bounce house? Everyone loves a bounce house.
Ally recently posted..All Things Magical

Misty February 21, 2012 at 9:38 am

Totally what I was going to say! A room surrounded by bouncy castle floor, walls, ceiling . . . so you could just go in and bounce around the room all day. Ahh, stress relief. Lovely.
Misty recently posted..Three is a Magic Number

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:20 am

@Ally: OH MAN YES.

@Misty: I would sleep in there.

Andi Davies February 20, 2012 at 11:04 am

The mirror iPad is gonna be a thing. Just watch. Also? I’ve been wanting a foam pit in my house for years. But I want it for naked sexytime reasons, which is probably just gross. I also want a Holodeck for the sex. I shouldn’t be trusted with home improvement.
Andi Davies recently posted..On Doing Things Badly

Mandi E. February 20, 2012 at 11:34 am

When you put it like that, I think I’d also like a holodeck for naked sexytime reasons. And because there are two of us, that makes it completely normal.
Mandi E. recently posted..Jedis, Dildos, and Blow – My Life on the Road

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:21 am

@Andi: I imagine there’d be some chafing with the sexy foam pit. Yes? And yeah, Holodeck is totally just for sex.

@Mandi: Make that three! You know Picard had some crazy orgies there.

Jaime February 20, 2012 at 11:17 am

dishes that automatically clean themselves after each use… fuck the loading and unloading of a dishwasher or for heavens sake HAND WASHING… no… spaghetti for dinner and then as soon as you put the plate in the sink it zaps your plate clean like a you have Mr. Clean in your house.
Jaime recently posted..Conversations with….. Ferret Edition!

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:22 am

Paper, lady. Paper. Recycle that shit and BE DONE WITH IT.

wendy February 20, 2012 at 11:17 am

I’m doing laundry and now … Oh man I soooo WANT AND NEED a folding dryer!
wendy recently posted..Yup – 2 More!!

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:22 am

Me too. I’m forever dryer dressing.

nadine February 20, 2012 at 12:38 pm

I go anywhere based upon the availability of a lazy river. Worth the admission to a water park where I don’t go on any other rides at all.
nadine recently posted..Schmalentine’s Day

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:23 am

Goddamnit this was funny as shit. Every time I read it it’s funnier and funnier.

Jen February 20, 2012 at 12:49 pm

I will not rest until I have a fucking moat.
Jen recently posted..The 40 Year Old Born Again Virgin

Front Desk Ninja February 20, 2012 at 3:13 pm

That’s what the short people are for! Hand them shovels, get that shit started.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Tribute To One Of My Internet Heroes, Take One: Jen

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:23 am

@Jen: You don’t already?

@FDN: FUCK YEAH.

Casey February 20, 2012 at 1:05 pm

The hubs and I are actually going to do one of the incredibly cool things we’ve always wished we could have because we bought our own house a couple years ago: bookcase that reveals a secret room when a certain book is moved. We’re going to do it when we finish out our basement. Other ideas: electronic dumbwaiter from the attic to basement that’s large enough to carry a person, fire-fighter pole (both for getting to the basement STAT and for one of us to do pole dancing), and teaching the cats to fetch us coffee with little cup-saddle bags (still working on the logistics of getting the coffee INTO the cups, though)/

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:24 am

Adrian’s an architect, so I can’t wait until he’s ready to design our home. There’ll be secret passages all up in that shit.

Brett Minor February 20, 2012 at 1:26 pm

I would buy it for the hammock room alone. I may build one myself.
Brett Minor recently posted..Lesson in Patience

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:25 am

Pictures!

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) February 20, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Must have Taco Bell in my kitchen. With hair-netted employees staffed to provide me with nothing but bean burritos as far as the eye can see.

And a Starbucks in my lobby.

Which means I also need a lobby.

My dreams are small. And all involve food.

The end.
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..Remember the time I shouldn’t have said that?

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:26 am

Right? You have a lobby in your house? I love it.

bschooled February 20, 2012 at 3:05 pm

In some cultures, being punched in the taint is considered a sign of affection.

I know it’s true because I read it on Wikipedia.
bschooled recently posted..Rosetta Stoned

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:26 am

That culture is Texas.

Charity Woosley February 20, 2012 at 3:41 pm

You had me at Kirk Cameron. Is he for punching? Because every time I hear his name I want to punch that bastard in the throat.

I don’t want a foam pit. I always get creeped out thinking about the germs they probably have on them.

I want the conveyor belt stairs. Desperately. Mainly for the hauling of the shit up and down the stairs.
Charity Woosley recently posted..Jellies r srs.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:26 am

Yes. Yes he is for punching. I hate that bastard so.

Kelly February 20, 2012 at 5:09 pm

I want velcro walls, so I can stick shit on it that I’m afraid of losing. Keys, cell phone, iPod, and when my kids drive me batshit crazy, I’ll stick them on the wall too.
Kelly recently posted..In other news, I think my uterus has gone rogue.

Brandon S February 21, 2012 at 9:20 am

I want to plus one this idea so badly. Seriously velcro walls (or at least a velcro entrance way) would be great! Plus forget date night…. Guy enters house, rubs against wall and voila…. No need to ply him wine to get his pants off now.
Brandon S recently posted..Palm Springs Modern – Take a Dip in The Pool!

Kelly February 21, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Brandon, that is fucking brilliant. I’ll also stick my dogs on it so when I attempt to clean, they don’t act like the vacuum is Al Qaeda.
Kelly recently posted..Oh, Internet… Quit making me be so serious.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:27 am

@kelly: I’d throw my cats up there.

@Brandon: I think that’s a crime. But hey, what do I know?

Meg February 20, 2012 at 9:29 pm

A maid. Or maybe a team of them. People to do things I don’t like doing. Cooking, cleaning, laundry…you know, everything. I’ll take one of those lazy rivers while I’m at it. If I’m going to be lazy, I might as well be able to enjoy it.
Meg recently posted..A Wise Old Owl

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:28 am

You can get one! They’re totally real!

Sedge | noob-dad February 20, 2012 at 10:58 pm

I think most of those ideas are actually plausible. I’d challenge your readers to constructing a few of em for fabulous prizes, as if having any of those ideas in your house isn’t a prize in of its own.
Sedge | noob-dad recently posted..Man’s Guide to Pregnancy Cravings

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:28 am

Right? I think the prize is saying, “Fuck you look at my house.”

Beth February 21, 2012 at 8:14 am

I would like a solicitor/mother in law trap door. How fun would that be having them come to your door only to press a button and have them disappear! That will teach them to ring by doorbell and make my dogs go ape shit crazy.

True story, we were looking at houses and we didn’t buy any of them because I want a trampoline room; none of the ceilings were high enough. My husband thinks it is an irrational request, but I am holding out until I find it.
Beth recently posted..Beauty Fucking Hurts!

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:29 am

They’re all available in Friso, TX. Every single one.

Misty February 21, 2012 at 9:49 am

I want a huge grandfather clock that has hinges where you can open the front and step into a secret chamber that will whisk you away to a secret batcave type underground lair. Also secret passageways ala Clue.

Can you tell I watch too many movies? Yeah.

Oh, and this is a simple one. I want a multi-story old school library room, with those big ladders that roll around the room. Filled to the brim with books and comfy recliner chairs and a big fireplace. (Yes, I saw this in Beauty and the Beast. What? Why should cartoons get all the good stuff?).
Misty recently posted..Three is a Magic Number

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:30 am

I want a power library ladder. That way I can whizz around the room like an asshole.

Audra February 21, 2012 at 9:50 am

Oh man, you had me at shower bed.
Audra recently posted..No Good Deed!

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:30 am

I hope it brings you good dreams.

Jenny February 21, 2012 at 11:57 am

First thing is first: how have I not known about your blog until today? What a trip I have been missing out on!

Secondly, I’m all for the Lazy River…ONLY if it comes with a water slide entry from the second story. Just sayin’!
Jenny recently posted..Monday Musings

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:31 am

1) Welcome! I’m batshit crazy!

2) Well, naturally.

Lilscorpiosweet February 21, 2012 at 6:44 pm

So just a heads up.. you totally rock. Everything on your list is genius.

The things I would have in my house…. a holosuite sort of like a holodeck but with less killing, a replicator because then I wouldn’t have dishes.. YAY. The laundry thing where I could shoot the laundry to the laundry room, have it self wash, dry, fold and put away the clothing in its proper place. I wouldn’t have need for a fridge because the replicator would take care of all that, hot and cold foods and beverages at my whim along with whatever desserts I wanted.

I would have self cleaning floors and walls and furniture. A dust be gone thing, where whenever dust happens it vanishes so in a way we wouldn’t know what dust is anymore.

An automatic clothes replacer so if something gets ruined by a stain or a rip it is automatically replaced with a new item but always in tune with what your tastes are in clothes. This could also be used around holidays when you want something that no one else has you can switch the setting on it to configure costumes and lingerie.

I would also have a sexytime room but I am thinking the holosuite would be the same room because my specifications could change at mine and my partners whim.

I would have a claw foot tub in a large bathroom with very good acoustics.

I would also have a music room, a computer room, and a craft room. A man cave… in a secret place..

An endless supply of hot water so when someone is showering/bathing the toilet being flushed wouldn’t affect the temperature of the water in the shower. Oh and self cleaning rooms and surfaces – counters, cabinets, floors and ceiling.
Lilscorpiosweet recently posted..Laura-isms

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:32 am

1) Thanks, yo.

2) I would love that clothes replacer if it were directly connected to Pinterest.

Jenny February 21, 2012 at 9:53 pm

This was amazing. The Kirk Cameron. The Corn Dogs. The Hunter S. Thompson mirrors. I hate myself for not thinking of it. I’ll be in the closet eating not corn dogs.

JP
Lettuce Be Clear
Jenny recently posted..Burrito Supremacy

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:34 am

Just like I ate not 5 tacos today.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress February 28, 2012 at 12:46 pm

As I was going down the list, I was all “check, check, check” and then I got to Kirk and I, without thinking, said “hump.”

Sorry you have to be my friend.
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..Monday Dare (and giveaway): Mommy, I hope you don’t go to jail.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:34 am

I’m super sad right now. No, Elizabeth. NO. We don’t hump the Kirk.

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