It’s Now Called Schadenfreude Racing

02/27/2012 · 60 comments

in I Want This.,Rick Moranis

I’m very Southern. I have an uncle who’s a barbecue champion (and holy shit does he deserve it.) I down sweet tea all day and when I drink I sound like Pawla Deen had sex with Clairee, y’all. I love being from the South, but there’s one thing I just can’t get behind no matter what.

NASCAR.

It’s fucking horrible. What should be an incredibly exciting thing to watch is, in reality, a painfully boring shithole. I don’t understand why it’s loved so much. I don’t understand the rules. I don’t understand why people camp in the infield aren’t afraid of dying horribly in a fiery death-crash fueled by all the booze lying around.

NASCAR is the Southern answer to Canadian Curling.

It doesn’t have to be awful. A few snazzy adjustments thanks to Grace and myself, and Dangerballs would watch the SHIT out of some NASCAR.

Oregon Trail NASCAR

Race your conestoga wagon with your entire family inside, pulled by the draft animal of your choice–limited to 8 horsepower. Every lap, you face new challenges.

  • A dude in a Native American headdress jumps out and punches you in the face as hard as he can while shouting “TRAIL OF TEARS THIS, MOTHERFUCKER.”
  • A fire truck continually hoses your wagon and family and gives everyone you love dysentery
  • A creepy guy leaps onto your wagon and steals all your womenfolk
  • Periodically, all your prized possessions and a couple of oxen get thrown into a river for the fans’ amusement
First one to make it around with the original driver not maimed or dead of some Doc Holliday disease wins.

Supermarket Sweep NASCAR

Drivers choose their own sponsorships! You must race around snatching up all the sponsorships you can singlehandedly. You must, at one point, grab a giant inflatable sponsorship for the hood of your car.

Highest dollar value wins.

ACME NASCAR

Just like regular NASCAR, but on a Looney Tunes style track.

  • A giant boxing glove on a spring periodically slams someone off the track
  • A trebuchet is hidden in the track and is triggered by someone saying “y’all.”
  • Sometimes a canyon appears in the track for no apparent reason other than to fuck with you
  • A giant cannon fires other cars onto the track to confuse and disorient the drivers
If you survive, you win.

Fundamentalist Polygamist Wheelbarrow Race NASCAR sponsored by TLC

You don’t have to be a fundamentalist polygamist, but you should bring as many people to the track as possible. Everyone must chain together by grabbing ankles and then moving in what can only be called the fastest human centipede the world has ever known (minus the whole ass to mouth thing unless you’re into that and that’s cool too.)

First fundamentalpede to cross intact wins!

Guy Fieri Pit Crew NASCAR

Guy Fieri’s your entire pit crew. He’ll continually shout terrible puns and poorly planned haikus in your ear at max volume. When it’s time to speed up, he’ll scream, “FULL THROTTLE.” When it’s time to brake, he’ll scream, “HALF-THROTTLE.” He gets to decorate your car, and you must all be wearing shirts with flames on them at all times.

Again, if you don’t willingly slam your own vehicle into the wall, killing yourself and others in an act of desperation, you win.

Backseat Mother-In-Law NASCAR

They’ll be given a list of your flaws and most embarrassing moments to go over continuously with you, such as:

  • That time you got a boner in math class
  • Remember when you shit your pants at Thanksgiving?
  • You have a shitty job and we all hate you
  • Why don’t you call more?
  • You’re ruining my baby’s life

If you don’t willingly slam your own vehicle into the wall, killing yourself and others in an act of desperation, you win.

Rented U-Haul NASCAR

Drivers must go rent a U-Haul, sit through the paperwork, and drive around the track while carrying their entire Romanian immigrant pit-crew (wearing roller-skates) in the back. Also, the back door must not have a working lock so at any moment you could lose most of your pit crew. You may not buy renter’s insurance for the truck.

The driver with the lowest damage assessment and death toll wins.

Assigned Vehicle NASCAR

The day of the race, you show up on the track and your vehicle is assigned to you. It’s a rotating system so that everyone is disadvantaged equally–and also equally maimed and humiliated for our amusement. Vehicles include

  • An alpaca
  • A monster truck
  • A big wheel
  • A rowboat
  • A wobbly-wheeled shopping cart
  • A giant-front-wheel bike from 1920
  • A sherpa with a baby bjorn
  • A pogo stick
  • A sedan chair held up by arthritic knitters
  • Rick Moranis

Most hilarious bloopers wins.

Tell me you wouldn’t watch these with the same voracity we all watch TLC programming while insisting we don’t because we’re above that. Frankly, I can’t wait to see some Oregon Trail NASCAR.

Did I miss any ways to make NASCAR not suck so much? How would you spice up your favorite or least favorite sports/games/family get-togethers/swingers parties?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Meg: “I’m totally against Whaling and the movie The Cove depressed me, so I’m probably going to hell for laughing so hard at “You could make a krilling”…but that’s funny.” 

{ 59 comments… read them below or add one }

L-Kat February 27, 2012 at 9:00 am

Nascar Noa has died of snakebite.
L-Kat recently posted..Goodbye snooze, hello Wake and Shake!

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Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:22 am

FUCK. I always figured I’d be stolen by indians.

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Mayor Gia February 27, 2012 at 9:05 am

Hahhaha, I don’t know how to make NASCAR suck less, except for drinking every time a car goes around the track, and taking a shot every time someone thanks Jesus. And then passing out for the rest of it.
Mayor Gia recently posted..I Went to the Doctor and He Was a Jerk.

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Bill G. February 28, 2012 at 9:11 pm

I had a work buddy who went to a NACAR event in Vegas last year. He told me that, believe it or not, you get tired of drinking in the parking lot by the third day. By the time you get to the race, you’re so drunk that all you can see is 50 blurs going around a big brown blur that is the track. A redneck could save a lot of money (and 50 hours of driving) by getting really hammered and watching the cockroaches at his house.

It’s like the week-long Monsters of Rock festival circa 1987: you can only drink so much and screw so much.

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Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:23 am

@Gia: You can also play that game at the MTV awards! You can get SUPER DRUNK.

@Bill: That sounds like an acid trip, and to be honest, like something I can really get behind.

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Jackie G February 27, 2012 at 9:16 am

I am pretty sure ‘Oregon Trail NASCAR’ already exists here in South Dakota, but we just call it “driving on the rez.”

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Bill G. February 28, 2012 at 9:20 pm

That’s funny.

We have our own NASCAR event here in Utah. It’s the Mormon 500 (a.k.a. Deathrace 2000) and it happens every day at 5 PM, including holidays. The mormon men have their white shirts, short neckties, and crew cuts. The women have their long dresses and secret decoder rings. They act all righteous at work, then they get in their cars and kill each other.

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Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:25 am

@Jackie: Point well taken, ye olde settler.

@Bill: We have a Nascar event in Dallas when it snows! Everyone immediately goes 30 mph faster than normal!

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Bill G March 12, 2012 at 7:41 pm

They must be calling Utah for driving advice!

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Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:21 am

Then Fuck Utah.

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Sarah February 27, 2012 at 9:51 am

First of all, I think we are twins separated at birth. People who know where I’m from stare at me once they find out I don’t watch NASCAR. People where we live now stare at me in shock when I discuss sweet tea or grits.

It’s unpleasant, either way. I’m a girl caught between two cultures.

Second of all, I want to be in the first round of contestants on Oregon Trail NASCAR. I totally rocked that game as a child. I’m fairly confident that I can ford the river safely and fix my own wagon wheel.
Sarah recently posted..How to be Parent of the Year

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Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:26 am

Seriously, FUCK NASCAR. And also the cracker barrel.

I was terrible at Oregon trail. I have never once made it to Oregon.

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Charity Woosley February 27, 2012 at 9:53 am

I’m from the south as well, and agree with you completely. I fucking hate Nascar.

Sweet tea and grits. Yum.
Charity Woosley recently posted..Fuck You Friday! WTF is that?! And also, How’d you get here?

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Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:28 am

Sweet Tea? Yes.

Grits? Fuck off.

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Bill G March 12, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Being from Wyoming, I never knew what grits were until I saw them in Navy boot camp. The other guys made fun of me. When I saw them, I said, “OK, I’ve seen this. It’s called cracked wheat, bitches! And who puts them on eggs? That’s what milk and sugar are for, or brown sugar if you’re being sophisticated.”

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Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:20 am

Or, you could just eat cooked corn.

It’s not so…gritty.

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-Vince February 27, 2012 at 10:15 am

Curling is brought to you be the fine folks behind golf, and whiskey… The Scottish. Great game, great people. It’s the only sport I have ever played where drinking is not only allowed, but encouraged. Don’t knock it ’til you try it.

http://tinyurl.com/6pkphw5

PS… NASCAR sucks. If I wanted to watch crap go around in circles, I’d leave the seat up when I flush.

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Jen February 27, 2012 at 1:16 pm

That was majestic, Vince. Thank you for making me laugh so hard I spilled hummus on my chair. . .again.
Jen recently posted..Morgan Freeman Tried To Kill Me

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Mandi E. February 27, 2012 at 1:48 pm

I laughed myself into a headache. Egads…. Are you single?
Mandi E. recently posted..It’s like the Special Olympics with Tourette’s inside my head.

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Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:29 am

@Vince: Learn something new every day. I may have to get in on this. Also, nice punchline…

@Jen: Then it just looks like you sick pooped yourself.

@Mandi: CONNECTIONS, MOTHERFUCKERS

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Bill Dameron February 27, 2012 at 10:42 am

OK, as the gay southern man that moved from North Carolina to Boston, I can tell you that you have left out one way to spice up NASCAR. Drag racing. I think that’s all I have to say.

“Ladies, start your engines!”

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Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:31 am

Ru Paul’s already got us on that one. Bitch even put it on TV. And I love it so.

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sars! February 27, 2012 at 12:37 pm

holy shit balls……
my dad loves NASCAR and all I can think of is wait.. wait for it… “LEFT turn! and wait, another LEFT TURN!”
Sweet baby gerald that shit is so boring I’d rater fling boogers at targets on the walls.

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Mandi E. February 27, 2012 at 1:52 pm

I thought I was the only one who played that game! I challenge you to a snot rocket duel!
Mandi E. recently posted..It’s like the Special Olympics with Tourette’s inside my head.

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Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:32 am

@Sars!: I’d rather watch you do that than watch NASCAR. Honestly.

@Mandi: HRRRCKKK.

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Dana the Biped February 27, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Noa’s Ark NASCAR: Drivers have to pick up animals two by two in their car and get them to the Ark before the track is flooded. The one who’s not eaten or pooped on wins.

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Dana the Biped February 29, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Oh, never mind. I just found this:

http://imgur.com/a/JZ3qm

So apparently, this is already a thing.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Girl Scout Cookies of DOOM!

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Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:33 am

Shit.

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Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:33 am

That race is especially poignant for me. Because I have two of everything because I am a hoarder and not because of my name.

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Jen February 27, 2012 at 1:21 pm

“Survivor” NASCAR. Each driver gets a bag of rice and a bandanna. Everyone drives around until they run out of gas, then the last one to survive living in their car wins. Bonus points given for cannibalism.
Jen recently posted..Morgan Freeman Tried To Kill Me

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Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:35 am

I would watch THE FUCK out of that. And probably try to get on it.

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Mandi E. February 27, 2012 at 1:51 pm

University Campus Nascar: The track is set on the busiest streets of the local college campus right as everyone is letting out of class. Driver to the finish line first with the lowest body count wins. Bonus: there will be no loser here, no matter how many undergrads you plow into.
Mandi E. recently posted..It’s like the Special Olympics with Tourette’s inside my head.

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Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:35 am

Oh. My. God.

Brilliant. I must implement ASAP.

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Dave in Sherman February 27, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Got free tickets and went to the Michigan 400. Was the most boring thing I ever watched and the fans were the most extreme assholes. All of them were wearing pit crew headsets so they could listen in on the drivers and kept getting pissed when we got up to get more beer. Like they were going to miss anything, shit all they did was go around and around. Thank god it was rained out about 3/4′s through.
I was a police officer at the time and told my buddy that it would be interesting and a lot more fun to replace half of the cars with police cruisers and chase the other half of the cars. In police pursuits, there is a maneuver called a “Pit” maneuver where you intentionally crash the other car. Extra points if you drag the other driver out of the car and cuff him.
Dave
Dave in Sherman recently posted..Week #4

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Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:36 am

I think they call that Grand Theft Auto NASCAR, and it would be the best day ever.

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wagthedad February 27, 2012 at 2:38 pm

God I have been away from here for too long.

NASCAR. The first and only time I ever watched that shit I was in Indiana (it ain’t just the South, people) with my new Austrian wife, in this bar my mom took us to, and we go there and everybody is wearing NASCAR T-shirts and NASCAR hats and swear to fucking God drinking beer out of vintage NASCAR Hardee’s glasses and probably wearing NASCAR underwear.

And they’ve got a big pot of chili going and my wife and I are the ONLY ones without a mustache and the national anthem starts up and everybody gets up, hand on heart, and begins singing, and Barbara is all: “I don’t have to stand, do I, since I’m not American?” and I was all “Get your ass up, honey, because they will kill us both if you don’t sing that shit.”

We survived. Shortly thereafter I got majorly shitfaced so I have no idea who won.
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Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:37 am

Do people win at NASCAR? I thought it was just for the thrill of it all.

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Dave in Sherman February 27, 2012 at 2:43 pm

You were there for the Brickyard 400. Oh you poor son-of-a-bitch! Be glad that you wer not there on Memorial Day Weekend for the Indy 500. Those fans are even batshit crazier.
Dave

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Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:38 am

Didn’t a horrible fire break out this year? That’s my kinda NASCAR.

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Andi Davies February 27, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Even with those improvements, I don’t think I could be bothered to watch NASCAR. My ennui is actually so great that if I had gone to the Brickyard 400 with Shane, I would have risked imminent lynching and pulled out a book.

The most boring sporting event I’ve ever attended was a polo match in Birmingham, Alabama. Polo meaning the players are on horses. At the half, everybody goes out on the field and stamps down divots, which I decided was a complicated plot to get shit all over the shoes of genteel Southern ladies. The best way to improve polo might be to combine it with a rodeo — untrained horses, rodeo clowns, and you only score a point if you manage to stay on the horse. I’d watch that.

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Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:38 am

Put ‘em on bulls, and it would be awesome.

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Kelly February 27, 2012 at 7:50 pm

If NASCAR drivers had to drive at 200 miles an hour while having dysentery, I’d probably be more apt to watch. Because they’re racing for something, and that something is a porta-potty.
Kelly recently posted..Adventures in Multitasking

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Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:40 am

Part of the pit stop is a colostomy bag change.

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Carri February 27, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Driving in circles isn’t a sport, YOU ASSHOLES.
Carri recently posted..I’m Still Obsessed with Instagram

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Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:40 am

Agreed.

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Heather Heartless February 27, 2012 at 9:43 pm

I was.pretty excited about that whole jet engine explosion followed by track-melting fire thing that just happened. I think you got your wish, Noa.
Heather Heartless recently posted..I Can’t Feel My Face

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Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:41 am

Wasn’t it beautiful? It’s like God said, “here you go, Noa.”

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Jillian @ Brilliant Title February 27, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Backseat Mother-in-Law NASCAR lines should also have a touch of “politically incorrect grandmother.”

“You know, I always thought you’d be the one to marry a black man.”

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Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:41 am

There would be so much crashing just from laughing so hard. Nicely done.

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Sedge | noob-dad February 28, 2012 at 11:57 am

“ACME NASCAR”

I’d tune in for sure; sounds amazing.
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Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:42 am

I agree. They also have to chase down the road runner!

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elizabeth- flourishinprogress February 28, 2012 at 12:38 pm

I tried to comment on this yesterday, but my internet was acting up and I have pretty much come to the conclusion that it did not approve of my suggestion for a

RV-you-maybe-forgot-permission-to-use NASCAR

That would be the best. Just the thought of it sends chills down my spine.
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Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:43 am

HEY. BITCH. I GOT TO SCHOOL. AND IT WAS AWESOME.

Also, I would love to see that.

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Meg February 28, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Any sporting event that happens on Sunday in the states is on Monday morning here in Guam. First thing Monday morning, my husband had the race on…but of course, there was the delay. All morning the announcers talked and talked, and talked, until I just couldn’t take the redneck anymore. I think the most annoying thing about any sport are the announcers. But what to do about making them more interesting? Make them look like Dwayne Johnson and sound like James Earl Jones? I dunno.
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Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:44 am

Russian Roulette.

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Red March 1, 2012 at 11:03 am

I’m up for some ACME NASCAR – that would be hilarious. it would have a fun soundtrack, too.

and “alpaca”? That’s awesome.
Red recently posted..The Secret’s Out – And the Plot Thickens

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Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:46 am

Your quotation marks had me questioning if Alpacas were real things or if I made them up.

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Bill G. March 1, 2012 at 10:51 pm

When I first read your title, what I heard in my head was: “It’s Now Called Shit-For-Brains Racing.” No problem, it works out the same.

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Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:47 am

Correct either way!

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