It’s Now Called Schadenfreude Racing

02/27/2012 · 60 comments

in I Want This.,Rick Moranis

I’m very Southern. I have an uncle who’s a barbecue champion (and holy shit does he deserve it.) I down sweet tea all day and when I drink I sound like Pawla Deen had sex with Clairee, y’all. I love being from the South, but there’s one thing I just can’t get behind no matter what.

NASCAR.

It’s fucking horrible. What should be an incredibly exciting thing to watch is, in reality, a painfully boring shithole. I don’t understand why it’s loved so much. I don’t understand the rules. I don’t understand why people camp in the infield aren’t afraid of dying horribly in a fiery death-crash fueled by all the booze lying around.

NASCAR is the Southern answer to Canadian Curling.

It doesn’t have to be awful. A few snazzy adjustments thanks to Grace and myself, and Dangerballs would watch the SHIT out of some NASCAR.

Oregon Trail NASCAR

Race your conestoga wagon with your entire family inside, pulled by the draft animal of your choice–limited to 8 horsepower. Every lap, you face new challenges.

  • A dude in a Native American headdress jumps out and punches you in the face as hard as he can while shouting “TRAIL OF TEARS THIS, MOTHERFUCKER.”
  • A fire truck continually hoses your wagon and family and gives everyone you love dysentery
  • A creepy guy leaps onto your wagon and steals all your womenfolk
  • Periodically, all your prized possessions and a couple of oxen get thrown into a river for the fans’ amusement
First one to make it around with the original driver not maimed or dead of some Doc Holliday disease wins.

Supermarket Sweep NASCAR

Drivers choose their own sponsorships! You must race around snatching up all the sponsorships you can singlehandedly. You must, at one point, grab a giant inflatable sponsorship for the hood of your car.

Highest dollar value wins.

ACME NASCAR

Just like regular NASCAR, but on a Looney Tunes style track.

  • A giant boxing glove on a spring periodically slams someone off the track
  • A trebuchet is hidden in the track and is triggered by someone saying “y’all.”
  • Sometimes a canyon appears in the track for no apparent reason other than to fuck with you
  • A giant cannon fires other cars onto the track to confuse and disorient the drivers
If you survive, you win.

Fundamentalist Polygamist Wheelbarrow Race NASCAR sponsored by TLC

You don’t have to be a fundamentalist polygamist, but you should bring as many people to the track as possible. Everyone must chain together by grabbing ankles and then moving in what can only be called the fastest human centipede the world has ever known (minus the whole ass to mouth thing unless you’re into that and that’s cool too.)

First fundamentalpede to cross intact wins!

Guy Fieri Pit Crew NASCAR

Guy Fieri’s your entire pit crew. He’ll continually shout terrible puns and poorly planned haikus in your ear at max volume. When it’s time to speed up, he’ll scream, “FULL THROTTLE.” When it’s time to brake, he’ll scream, “HALF-THROTTLE.” He gets to decorate your car, and you must all be wearing shirts with flames on them at all times.

Again, if you don’t willingly slam your own vehicle into the wall, killing yourself and others in an act of desperation, you win.

Backseat Mother-In-Law NASCAR

They’ll be given a list of your flaws and most embarrassing moments to go over continuously with you, such as:

  • That time you got a boner in math class
  • Remember when you shit your pants at Thanksgiving?
  • You have a shitty job and we all hate you
  • Why don’t you call more?
  • You’re ruining my baby’s life

If you don’t willingly slam your own vehicle into the wall, killing yourself and others in an act of desperation, you win.

Rented U-Haul NASCAR

Drivers must go rent a U-Haul, sit through the paperwork, and drive around the track while carrying their entire Romanian immigrant pit-crew (wearing roller-skates) in the back. Also, the back door must not have a working lock so at any moment you could lose most of your pit crew. You may not buy renter’s insurance for the truck.

The driver with the lowest damage assessment and death toll wins.

Assigned Vehicle NASCAR

The day of the race, you show up on the track and your vehicle is assigned to you. It’s a rotating system so that everyone is disadvantaged equally–and also equally maimed and humiliated for our amusement. Vehicles include

  • An alpaca
  • A monster truck
  • A big wheel
  • A rowboat
  • A wobbly-wheeled shopping cart
  • A giant-front-wheel bike from 1920
  • A sherpa with a baby bjorn
  • A pogo stick
  • A sedan chair held up by arthritic knitters
  • Rick Moranis

Most hilarious bloopers wins.

Tell me you wouldn’t watch these with the same voracity we all watch TLC programming while insisting we don’t because we’re above that. Frankly, I can’t wait to see some Oregon Trail NASCAR.

Did I miss any ways to make NASCAR not suck so much? How would you spice up your favorite or least favorite sports/games/family get-togethers/swingers parties?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Meg: “I’m totally against Whaling and the movie The Cove depressed me, so I’m probably going to hell for laughing so hard at “You could make a krilling”…but that’s funny.” 

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