I Brought You Chipotle, So You Have To Plan My Funeral

02/15/2012 · 76 comments

in Adrian, I'm A Terrible Person

Normal people’s Valentine’s Day conversation held in a bathtub while drinking wine:

Husband: You’re beautiful.
Wife: You’re handsome.
Husband: You are the love of my life and you have nice boobies.
Wife: You changed my life and all my goals and you have a not-that-weird ball sack.
Husband: We are gloriously amazing.
Wife: Without a doubt.

My  Valentine’s Day conversation held in a bathtub while drinking wine:

Adrian: I brought you Chipotle and wine tonight, so you’d better be happy.
Me: Goddamn you’re romantic.
Adrian: Well I love you.
Me: And I feel strongly in a love-ward direction for you.
Adrian: If you died, I would be bummed for a while.
Me: If you died, I would not know what to do for your funeral.
Adrian: Romance, eh? Funerals in a bathtub?
Me: Well, I wouldn’t know. I’d probably play some hipster bullshit music and call it good.
Adrian: Nice to see you’re putting in some effort there with your decision to play “Hipster bullshit.”
Me: Well, what would you want?
Adrian: Adagio in G. You?
Me: My Way.
Adrian: Sinatra or that guy who won America’s Got Talent?
Me: If you’re having them sing live at my funeral, then please go with Sinatra.
Adrian: He’s dead.
Me: Exactly.
Adrian: You want zombie Sinatra to sing at your funeral?
Me: Of course. You have the information to log into my blog and tell everyone, and please do, because I have a feeling that a lot of people will want to see Zombie Sinatra at my funeral.
Adrian: That’s if I don’t forget the fog machines and laser show.
Me: I love you for remembering.

Love is getting Zombie Sinatra to sing at your wife’s funeral.

What’s the weirdest/most awesome/strangest/most hilarious thing anyone’s ever done for love that you know about?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Dana The Biped: “To quote the great NPH, “Whenever I start feeling like a Whoreon, I stop being a Whoreon and be awesome instead.” I also put my clothes back on.” 


Mayor Gia February 15, 2012 at 8:02 am

I don’t trust zombies. Sorry. (It’s a zombie slut thing, I’m very wary of them)
Mayor Gia recently posted..Hey, You Know What Can Be Surprisingly Loud? Wind.

Noa March 8, 2012 at 9:00 pm

Wait..zombie sluts?

Kelly February 15, 2012 at 8:13 am

Zombie Sinatra will definitely be a headliner that no one will want to miss. I kind of have a feeling that you’ll want him to lip sync though since “unnnggggggh uuuuh nnnnnngaahh mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmgggga” is about the extent of the zombie vocabulary. Maybe Jani Lane can sing backup?
Kelly recently posted..Roses are red, chocolates are sweet…

Noa March 8, 2012 at 9:01 pm

I imagine his presence alone is enough to satisfy most. But he’ll eat my corpse, so hey.

Jen February 15, 2012 at 8:54 am

I know a guy who created a false persona for himself for love. He made up fake business cards for a real estate management company that didn’t exist and used them to explain to people why he was flying hundreds of miles every week to see a woman in Texas. He even made up flers for a fake real estate convention in London and used his real employers travel fund to take his girlfriend to Europe. All of this would be wildly romantic if he weren’t already married. . .to me. . .and was doing the same thing with three other women out-of-state. Oh yeah, he is all about the romance, folks.
Jen recently posted..The Red Dress Play List: "Edge of Glory"

Kelly February 15, 2012 at 10:25 am

Hence, his name is Gil. What a fucking twatscum, Jen. I am so glad you are free from that mess.
Kelly recently posted..Roses are red, chocolates are sweet…

Front Desk Ninja February 15, 2012 at 10:23 pm

And the drinking makes sense all of a sudden…

Although, I don’t understand why shotguns aren’t involved yet. I have this image of you in my head, being a bad ass chick in leather, hair blowing wildly around (but never in your face, because what sort of image does that send?) with a shotgun in one hand and your other hand on your hip.

Some people don’t deserve awesome short people.
This, spoken from an awesome (sort of) short person.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Five Dicks, 3.5 Vaginas, 3 Broken Beers and One Vodka Fueled Rage, How was YOUR Valentines?

Jen February 16, 2012 at 8:34 am

You guys rock my world. Who would have thought that the words “twatscum” and “shotgun” could make a gal feel so warm and fuzzy? :)
Jen recently posted..The 5 People You Meet In Hell

Front Desk Ninja February 16, 2012 at 11:49 pm

Anytime, maja.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Just When You Thought The Whores Had Left…

Noa March 8, 2012 at 9:06 pm

@Jen: Holy shit that’s some real dedication to being an asshole. Then again, the Bachelor is on the air…

@Kelly: Agreed.

@FDN: Any one of us would have become an alcoholic after that bastard.

L-Kat February 15, 2012 at 10:07 am

I’m sorry, but your funeral sounds fantabulous. I’d like to request a personal invite. But don’t have a funeral soon, that would be sad. But don’t wait until I’m like 106 because then I might not like the laser show. This is getting awkward….let’s just host a fake funeral for the fun of it.
L-Kat recently posted..Help a blogga out: Guest post by Melissa from Preposterous Pace

Front Desk Ninja February 15, 2012 at 10:24 pm

They call those “Rehearsal Funerals”, L-Kat.
I say personal invites should be handmade, and come with 3-D glasses for a movie.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Five Dicks, 3.5 Vaginas, 3 Broken Beers and One Vodka Fueled Rage, How was YOUR Valentines?

Brandon S February 16, 2012 at 9:53 pm

If there is a 3-D Eulogy I’m totally there. The personal handmade invites though might be overboard because then you’d have it on the fridge… then the dresser… then it moves to a drawer .. until finally one day you’re like “How much longer should I save this thing?”. That’s why I hate Save The Date cards. Seriously an email would have worked just as well.

Then again, I’m a guy.
Brandon S recently posted..Stationery – Couture in an Envelope. A Guest Post by WriteRobinson

Noa March 8, 2012 at 9:09 pm

@LKat: You’re INVITED! Because it’ll be a hell of a party. I want no one to be sad.

@FDN: There’s a thing called funeral rehearsal?

@Brandon: Save the dates are fucking out of control. Just text them bitches. Just text ‘em.

Jayne February 15, 2012 at 10:21 am

Both dogs have the ‘flu’ and are puking and crapping all over everything. My dear Him cleaned it up every time it happened yesterday evening.

If that’s not romance, I don’t know what that shit is.
Jayne recently posted..Sure! I Can Tell You a Fish Story, But I’ll Need to Scale it Back a Bit

Noa March 8, 2012 at 9:11 pm

Adrian will bring me food from one restaurant even if he wants food from another. Men, right?

nadine February 15, 2012 at 10:34 am

Why not play Usher’s My Way instead?
nadine recently posted..Schmalentine’s Day

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:18 am

I think you just answered your question there. Because it’s Usher.

msjake February 15, 2012 at 10:37 am

My husband had a large painful zit on his back where he couldn’t reach it.
He came home after working a 3-11 shift and woke me up to help him out with the zit. So I stuck a pin into it until all the gross puss-y stuff came out of it. FOR LOVE.

PS. I had to write puss-y because I didn’t want anyone to think a pussy came out of his zit. That is all.

Jana February 15, 2012 at 10:57 am

Jana recently posted..Gasp, I have been shunned from the Juicy Club

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:19 am

@msJake: I’ll be honest, this comment’s much cooler with a pussy.

@Jana: I so very much agree.

Jillian @ Brilliant Title February 15, 2012 at 10:38 am

Ex-Boyfriend bought me a stuffed hedgehog once. He said he considered going into the Coach store and seeing what he could find for me, but the hedgehog seemed like a more exciting prospect because he wasn’t actually sure if they exist in real life. Romance.
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..Follow Me! (Not Literally. I Get Lost Easily.)

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:20 am

@Jillian: Every time I read this I comprehend it less and less. My God. I’m in love with this story.

Chris February 15, 2012 at 11:48 am

If my love wanted, I would totally dress up like Sinatra, or Dean Martin, or Sammy, and sing in the respective persona!

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:20 am

But would you do a Zombie makeup?

Monica February 15, 2012 at 12:08 pm

My mother always said she wanted us to set up a buffet in the back of the funeral home when she died, so she could see what we were eating. She threatened to pop up out of her coffin and bitch us out if she didn’t approve. She was Italian and kind of obsessive about food. So when she died, I had the post-funeral meal at a restaurant. I was afraid she’d really do it. A bitch can’t be too careful about the walking dead.
Monica recently posted..This is the most awesomest thing ever. OMG OMG OMFG!

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:39 am

Yeah, because if you fuck up her buffet, she’ll just eat you instead. That’s a terrible threat.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd February 15, 2012 at 12:08 pm

I made up something called “The Toilet Fairy,” who brings non-occasion gifts and leaves them on the top of the back of the toilet. Among the gifts given was a Robocop DVD. It’s romantic but also runs the risk of falling into the toilet, which creates a nice balance.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Facts and Tidbits About 1980s Songs that I Made Up

Brandon S February 16, 2012 at 9:59 pm

The problem, Carrie, is that the receiver is a guy right? Which means if said gift DOES fall into the toilet. He’ll lift it out, wipe it on the back of his shirt (or a frilly guest towel… whichever is closer) and be on his way. All the while leaving the seat up.
Brandon S recently posted..Stationery – Couture in an Envelope. A Guest Post by WriteRobinson

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:43 am

@Carrie: That’s fucking brilliant. I love it. I may have to steal it.

@Brandon: He may even fart on it.

Dana the Biped February 15, 2012 at 12:54 pm

I feel a little bad for my boyfriend. He’s all romantic-like, and has made such gestures as filling my bedroom with balloons and standing outside with me in -30 degree (F) Green Bay temperatures while I pump gas. I get him cards with puke jokes and asked him to get a stool sample from my dog for Valentine’s Day.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Do You Think Anne Hathaway Would Do It?

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:44 am

@Dana: Adrian once compared me to the Big Bang. I’m jealous.

Angela February 15, 2012 at 1:22 pm

My boyfriend did me the honor of cleaning both litter boxes for Valentine’s Day, along with sending me a lavender plant with the enclosed message:


That’s true love right there. We both suffer from Butts Disease.

I made him pancakes and have a standing arrangement to steam clean the dog vomit out of the backseat of his car. What can I say? We’re romantics.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:45 am

That’s real love right there. So nice.

Charity Woosley February 15, 2012 at 2:34 pm

There’s no way I could get my husband to sit in a bathtub with me. “That shit’s nasty. It’s like sitting in your own filth” is what he would say.
Charity Woosley recently posted..Shittiest Valentine’s Day gifts!

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:46 am

I don’t usually have a choice. If I draw a bath, another inhabitant of my home will join me. A dog, a cat, or a husband.

Andi Davies February 15, 2012 at 3:07 pm

I told the Hubs I didn’t like getting live flowers for Valentine’s Day because they die.

So he got me a fake rose. Men are weird.
Andi Davies recently posted..I Blame the VD

Jen February 16, 2012 at 11:55 am

Flowers, fake or otherwise, are a bullshit move. If you want to get in my panties, vacuum my car or watch my short people for a few hours. Then me love you loooooong time, Soldier Boy.
Jen recently posted..Conversations With Jess: Six Degrees of Nathan Fillion

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:48 am

@Andi: HAVE YOU SEEN THAT STUPID THING where men buy their wives 11 real roses and one fake and the note says, “I will love you until the last one dies?” Fuck you, man.

@Jen: I figured out I was horribly allergic to roses on valentine’s day. There was no tang that night.

Rico Swaff February 15, 2012 at 3:11 pm

I felt guilty yesterday. Our interaction went like this:

My fiance: Happy Valentines Day.
Me: Oh shit…..
Rico Swaff recently posted..My Dad Charged Me $1100 to Shovel My Sidewalk

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:50 am

Well. Done.

Enjoy that sex you’re never having!

Car Bomb Mom February 15, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Let’s just say it involved a whole lot of wax and tears. Poor guy.
Car Bomb Mom recently posted..The Whore’s Head

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:50 am

Oh God.

I must know.

The CXO February 15, 2012 at 4:04 pm

I used to fall asleep crying every night with the knowledge that Tara Lapinski would never be mine.

Yes, THAT Tara Lapinski.

Also, you had me at Chipotle. I eat there every day. Longest relationship I’ve ever had.
The CXO recently posted..Dating the Con-slut-ant

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:51 am

I once met Tonya Harding in an airport. You can have her. She’s kind of a tore up ho, though.

Misty February 15, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Two words: Pajama. Jeans.

I’m not sure how much more romantic you can get than that. Everyone else best just quit trying. I win.
Misty recently posted..An Afternoon with Thoughtsy

Jillian @ Brilliant Title February 15, 2012 at 6:44 pm

I surrender.
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..You Trust Me To Pretend To Be A Lesbian, Right?

Jen February 16, 2012 at 8:38 am

((facepalm)) You’re fucking killing me here, Misty.
Jen recently posted..The 5 People You Meet In Hell

Misty February 16, 2012 at 11:09 am

Killing you with AWESOME. I know.
Misty recently posted..An Afternoon with Thoughtsy

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:53 am

@Misty: I honestly can’t tell if you’re sad or thrilled.

@Jillian: NO.

@Jen: I’m with you on this one.

Gretchen February 15, 2012 at 7:34 pm

I mean, I thought true love was popping zits on each other’s back. Have I got it all wrong?
Gretchen recently posted..Valentine’s Day is more than just Valentine’s Day to me

msjake February 16, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Totally not what I signed up for.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:53 am

@Gretchen: It’s still that. Zombie Sinatra is the final move.

@MsJake: that wasn’t in your vows?

wendy February 15, 2012 at 8:12 pm

I totally think having zombie Sinatra would be great. Personally, I’d choose Zombie Bob Marley but to each her own. I have no comment on the romance thing as I am bitter & cynical after a fiasco marriage to a narcissistic sociopath but, hey, romance lives on at least in books.
wendy recently posted..How to Write Your Stupid Book: Tip 7 – S & M

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:54 am

OH MAN. Zombie Marley would bring his own weed. But…Sinatra would have his coke…

Annik February 15, 2012 at 8:31 pm

My boyfriend took the rap for me when I blocked a hotel toilet in Vietnam = KEEPER.
Annik recently posted..Why you shouldn’t let your mum join Facebook

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:55 am

Marry that bastard.

Mandi E. February 15, 2012 at 8:58 pm

We used to have a dollar bill we’d pass back and forth to each other with strange/lewd/funny messages on them (Thanks for last night, Buy yourself 10 more ugly t-shirts, No moleste, por favor). Most of the time they only made sense to us (I love the way you play the magic flute), but once in a while, friends would pick it up off the desk and read the notes and wonder how they ever came to be friends with us.

Sadly, I believe the dinner party guest of one of those friends ended up stealing it. Guess we’re going to have to get a new bill and step up our game.
Mandi E. recently posted..Fantastic Beer Needs Good Home

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:56 am

I sort of want to know the magic flute, but I don’t think it’s a good idea.

Front Desk Ninja February 15, 2012 at 10:32 pm

Strangest- In high school some guy died his hair fire engine red and sang love ballads to his girlfriend during the five minute breaks between each class. He also had a ukulele.

Most Awesome- My friend’s girlfriend (now wife) flew across the world to be with her on Valentine’s day. She was doing an exchange, and in a crazy bummed out mood over one day, and he saved up for and went out for a weekend. Ridiculous.

Weirdest/Most Horrible – An ex from high school bought carnations (the high school always did shit like that, and they’d deliver it in class and you knew who was expecting one and didn’t get it and who sent them to themselves) one year because he was in Mexico on Valentines, which didn’t bother me in the slightest, until the girl he was fucking behind my back ALSO got her carnations in my class. but the guy handing the carnations and love notes out got ours mixed up.
Yeah. Fantastic showdown in the cafeteria the day he got back.

Hilarious- Last night. See below. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to top that shit.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Five Dicks, 3.5 Vaginas, 3 Broken Beers and One Vodka Fueled Rage, How was YOUR Valentines?

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:58 am

There’s a lot I would do for a time machine to have seen that showdown. A LOT.

Also, a uke? Weird.

Jaclyn February 16, 2012 at 8:17 am

My mother insists we play “Stayin’ Alive” at her funeral. She isn’t kidding. Because she “doesn’t want everyone standing around crying”. So disco funeral, then. Got it, mom.
Jaclyn recently posted..Whitney Houston Was NOT Your Cousin

Jillian @ Brilliant Title February 16, 2012 at 10:21 am

My mom doesn’t have music requests for her funeral, but she does want to have “colors” like at a wedding– turquoise and sunshine yellow, specifically– as well as the immediate family to be wearing flip flops. She also wants her body cremated and then compressed under super high heat to become diamonds so that all three of her daughters can have “a piece of mommy” for the rest of their lives. We all veto that plan, mostly because we’re each afraid of being the one who loses “mommy” down the shower drain…
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..You Trust Me To Pretend To Be A Lesbian, Right?

KiwiKat February 17, 2012 at 12:29 am

My mum wants “Another One Bites the Dust” by Queen played at her funeral..I’m up for it, but I don’t think my brother would go for it…
KiwiKat recently posted..How do you find your blogs?

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:00 am

@Jaclyn: Your mom is awesome as SHIT.

@Jillian: I think the body diamonds are totally fucking creepy. Wear that while you’re bonin.

@Kiwi: It would be even funnier if she were cremated.

Ally February 16, 2012 at 10:39 am

Mindy bought me a squirrel pelt as an early Valentines Day present. That’s normal, right?
Ally recently posted..Sir Barthalomew Cladius Esperanza

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:01 am

I got tacos, so, yes!

Also I am jealous.

bschooled February 16, 2012 at 11:09 am

You had me at “boobies”, then you killed it when you used the term “love-ward direction”.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:01 am

Thank you for enjoying me being an asshole to the only man who will love me.

Britt February 16, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Frank Sinatra would probably be pretty fucking awesome as a zombie. I hear brains really help develop a good croon. Eating brains, that is… not ‘having them’. I’m not giving this one to you, smartfucks! Stupid people can croon too!
Britt recently posted..You Have to Love Me, I Don’t Eat Your Friends

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:02 am

He married a prepubescent girl, so yeah, stupid people can croon, too.

thoughtsappear February 18, 2012 at 8:26 am

You know when people ask you what celebrity alive or dead that you’d like to have a drink with? My new answer is zombie Sinatra.
thoughtsappear recently posted..How Not to Ski

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:03 am

Oh shit. That is a good one. STOLEN/

Jenny February 21, 2012 at 9:58 pm

1. Fog machine at a funeral? yes.
2. I too just had a Chipotle blog… I think they should be paying us. In burr-i-tos. And money.

Lettuce Be Clear
Jenny recently posted..Burrito Supremacy

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:04 am

I would take burritos as payment.

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