Funny Bitch Friday: The Bloggess

02/17/2012 · 75 comments

in Funny Bitch Friday

Y’all.

Jenny @ The Bloggess.

Y’all.

If you aren’t reading her already (and if she’s not the reason you started your blog in the first place…not that I’d know anything about that. Okay, yeah, she’s the reason I started mine) then really? Fuck you. She’s hilarious on Twitter. She’s got the most ridiculous life of anyone I’ve ever known and there’s a guy in my building who’s a mountain biking photographer who battles human trafficking all over the world and wears some really fancy spandex shorts. That’s how awesome Jenny is.

Jenny’s every bit of fucked-up and funny and real all in one and I’m deliriously in love with her and her Weasel (I mean that in the least sexual way for once!) There are too many posts of hers that are Friday-worthy, so I’ll post a some recent ones and one ultra-famous one featuring…Beyonce.

Her Name Is Juanita. Juanita Weasel. Unless You Can Think of Something Better.

Advanced Cooking Lessons

And That’s Why I’m Not Allowed To Be Here Unsupervised

And Then The PR Guy Called Me A “Fucking Bitch.” I Can’t Even Make This Shit Up.

Would You Like To Buy A Monkey?

And That’s Why You Should Learn To Pick Your Battles

I will never own anything as awesome as Juanita Weasel. Ever.

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Car Bomb Mom: “Let’s just say it involved a whole lot of wax and tears. Poor guy.”

 

Eric February 17, 2012 at 1:35 am

It is an honor and a privilege to be the first comment in a post honoring my favorite blogger, by my other favorite blogger.

Ok, so maybe I’m a little bit of a whore.
Eric recently posted..Customer Etiquette for Dummies

Front Desk Ninja February 17, 2012 at 2:06 am

I’m incredibly jealous of your first post rights here.
Just so you know.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Just When You Thought The Whores Had Left…

Jen February 19, 2012 at 6:32 pm

NINJA HOW COULD YOU LET SOMEONE BEAT YOU!?!?
Jen recently posted..The Red Dress Play List: Screaming Trees

Front Desk Ninja February 19, 2012 at 10:41 pm

Personally I blame Noa. I was doing my fucking audit, so she posted it within the HOUR I am not trolling the interwebz.

I’m sorry, maja. *sob*
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Just When You Thought The Whores Had Left…

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:05 am

@Eric: THis made me smile so very much.

@FDN: He was a quick one!

@Jen: She’s got work to do like responsible people!

@FDN: Dude–between 2-4 every morning. EVERY MORNING.

Ally February 17, 2012 at 2:00 am

I can’t see why anyone would not absolutely adore her.
Ally recently posted..Best Drunk Friend Ever.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:05 am

ME TOO.

Front Desk Ninja February 17, 2012 at 2:08 am

I started following the Bloggess religiously at my other hotel gig, because it was one of the few (shockingly) not banned sites. Then she led me to you, which led me to all of the other fantastic people who try to kill me with lip balm.

She’s motherfucking hilarious, and anyone who disagrees should probably be slapped with Juanita. Or Copernicus. Either or.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Just When You Thought The Whores Had Left…

Jaclyn February 17, 2012 at 9:13 am

God, you really are a pussy about that lip balm. You need to drink like a gallon of antifreeze to die from it. Just a few licks of your balmy, Canadian lips isn’t going to do it. I planned it that way. I just want to weaken you for when I show up at your door with a bag of knives.
Jaclyn recently posted..Whitney Houston Was NOT Your Cousin

Front Desk Ninja February 17, 2012 at 9:29 am

Listen. You’re the one who chose the goddamn lip balm as a way to weaken me.
I just want to warn any other unsuspecting person who thinks you’re trying to be “kind” that in fact, you are trying to kill them.

Knives, though? Really? You can’t be more creative? Come on…
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Just When You Thought The Whores Had Left…

Jaclyn February 17, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Well, the bombs will go off shortly before I arrive, so you will already sort of be in pieces. Not your face though. I want to kiss your sweet, unchapped lips before I peel off your remaining skin to wear as a coat. WHICH IS WHY I NEED KNIVES.
Jaclyn recently posted..Whitney Houston Was NOT Your Cousin

Misty February 17, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Wow. This shit just got DARK, yo. And very Buffalo Bill all of a sudden. Sheesh.
Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: Bits and Pieces

Front Desk Ninja February 18, 2012 at 12:10 am

I have soft, supple skin.
It’s desired by many a skin wearing fool.

There’s also an age joke in there, but, I feel it’s almost too mean.

Y’know, the joke? The one pointing out maybe this is what she does, ALL THE TIME, so her skin continues to look fresh and baby soft…

OH man, I totally just outed her master life plan.
Boom. There goes -that- dynamite.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Just When You Thought The Whores Had Left…

Jen February 19, 2012 at 6:34 pm

It puts the lip balm in the basket or it gets the hose again. . .yes, it gets the hose again, doesn’t it Precious?
Jen recently posted..The Red Dress Play List: Screaming Trees

Front Desk Ninja February 19, 2012 at 10:42 pm

You would bring Silence of the Lambs into it…
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Just When You Thought The Whores Had Left…

Mandi E. February 17, 2012 at 5:56 pm

I love you both right now in a way that makes me both excited and ashamed.
Mandi E. recently posted..WTF Friday: Our bacon obsession is officially out of control.

Front Desk Ninja February 18, 2012 at 12:08 am

I am definitely lovable.
Jaclyn’s alright. She’ll try to poison you if you kick her ass too hard in Words With Friends, though.
Fair warning.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Just When You Thought The Whores Had Left…

Front Desk Ninja February 18, 2012 at 12:07 am

You assume I haven’t already used my Canadian superpowers and disarmed them. I mean, really now. Give a bitch some fucking credit.

My lips are also horribly chapped because the lip balm in question was STOLEN by a four year old. She’s holding it ransom for Dora movie time.

I’m not giving in to that shit.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Just When You Thought The Whores Had Left…

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:08 am

@FDN: She wasn’t banned? Shit, even I’m banned as pornographic. Lucky whore. Also, I am never more than 1 foot from Burts Bees. Am I fucked, too?

@Jaclyn: Are you going to hit her with that bag?

@Misty: Welcome to the comments, where we talk about horrible things.

@Jen: I’d fuck me.

@Mandi: Agreed.

Joni February 17, 2012 at 6:26 am

Team Jenny all the way! I’d like to spend an hour inside her brain… (I meant that as a compliment, not in a Dexter-kind-of-way)
Joni recently posted..Once more into the abyss…

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:08 am

I imagine I’d wake up naked and scared from that.

Mayor Gia February 17, 2012 at 6:36 am

Aw, she’s awesome! Can’t wait for her book…
Mayor Gia recently posted..Conversations with a Cow

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:09 am

OH MAN. Me too.

Meg February 17, 2012 at 6:46 am

I love that Jenny is so open and honest and just downright fucking hilarious. What I wouldn’t give to be a taxidermied fly on the wall at her house, just to hear these conversations she has with Victor…
Meg recently posted..A Wise Old Owl

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:09 am

He’s a brave man for marrying such an awesome lady.

Kelly February 17, 2012 at 7:03 am

I have such a girl crush on Jenny. She is so open and honest and inspiring and real and motherfucking funny. I’ve cried until I laughed and laughed until I cried reading her. That, and Juanita? That bitch is taking over the world, yo.
Kelly recently posted..Roses are red, chocolates are sweet…

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:10 am

She and Hyperbole can make me laugh for hours.

Julia Steele February 17, 2012 at 7:13 am

She is absolutely the best and a real inspiration. You are right. (I like being told I’m right… Thought you would too.)
Julia Steele recently posted..Easy Chicken Teriyaki Stir-Fry

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:12 am

I DO!

Britt February 17, 2012 at 8:02 am

I love her. I know every humo(u)r blogger loves her.
She’s like a magician of hilarity. and taxidermy. Even Morgan Freeman copies her.
Britt recently posted..You Have to Love Me, I Don’t Eat Your Friends

Jillian @ Brilliant Title February 17, 2012 at 10:42 am

3 Things I Love About You:
1. You’re following me on Twitter.
2. You included the “u” without officially including the “u,” thereby appeasing all English speaking linguistic gods.
3. Last post, I totally laughed at your blog post title because Noa was talking about zombies. Now that I’m reading about Jenny’s collection of unique and resurrected “family members,” it is still remarkably appropriate.
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..You Trust Me To Pretend To Be A Lesbian, Right?

Britt February 20, 2012 at 9:51 pm

You’re wonderful.
Britt recently posted..You Have to Love Me, I Don’t Eat Your Friends

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:15 am

@Britt: Magician of Hilarity. Someone get her that title.

@Jillian: I love the added U. I audd it to thuings just to sound couler.

Heather Rose February 17, 2012 at 8:39 am

My fiance still isnt exactly sure why I practically sexually assaulted a giant metal chicken while we were on vacation in St. Michaels.
Heather Rose recently posted..Chutzpah!

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:15 am

Or why the word Beyonce is met with mad laughter.

L-Kat February 17, 2012 at 8:53 am

I don’t know who wouldn’t like Jenny. She’s such a funny bitch.
L-Kat recently posted..Meet Ruby Zubinka

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:16 am

Agreed. Love her so.

Johi February 17, 2012 at 8:57 am

I love The Bloggess- she is how I found you, Noa- which makes me love her even more.
Johi recently posted..The importance of time away from jail… I mean, the house.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:17 am

I just cried a little. Hooray!

iampisspot February 17, 2012 at 9:37 am

I too found you through The Bloggess, Noa.

I like to flit between the two of you*.

*Not in a gay way.

Well, maybe in a bit of a gay way.

The end.

Ok, I admit it, I have a huge fucking gay crush on both of you.
iampisspot recently posted..The post in which I share my inner-musings, whinge a little and then probably decide that things aren’t as bad as I originally thought.

Jen February 19, 2012 at 6:36 pm

I’m totally bass-ackwards as I found the bloggess via Noa. But I’m a little dyslexic. . .and kind of a dumbass.
Jen recently posted..The Red Dress Play List: Screaming Trees

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:18 am

@PissPot: I have a huge fucking gay crush on you, lady. And your hair. Very much your hair. Not in a creepy way. Okay in a creepy way.

@Jen: Kiss Ass. BUT I LOVE IT SO MUCH.

Six_FM February 17, 2012 at 9:44 am

The Bloggess is my absolute favorite blogger/ Internet celeb. Although I had already started my blog before I discovered her, she has certainly inspired me to be the best I can be.

I’ll never forget the day that she graciously posted a link to my blog after I shamelessly begged (via email, noting our mutual love of Samurai swords and dildos).

I. Love. Jenny.
Six_FM recently posted..2012 Grammy Wrap-Up: Monkey Style

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:19 am

She’s wonderfully kind and honest and real and that’s hard to find these days.

Sarah February 17, 2012 at 9:51 am

Jenny is the best, ever. I’ve literally spent countless hours reading every single post on her blog. I may have a slightly creepy stalker-ish crush on her.
Sarah recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Nine

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:19 am

That’s a shitload of posts. You have some time on your hands, yo.

Misty February 17, 2012 at 9:59 am

I also found you through Jenny’s site. And then you made me a Funny Bitch. And now you made HER a Funny Bitch (well, to be fair, she already was). Full circle, bitches!!

I sent Jen one of her copernicus cards for her Bday.

I also salivate over the possibility of one day owning my very own Beyonce. My hubs will react about the same as Victor, I assume.

Jenny rocks my socks. She is a Blogging Rock Star. I love her hard.
Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: Bits and Pieces

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:20 am

It’s the funny circle of life, minus mufasa.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd February 17, 2012 at 10:47 am

I also found you through The Bloggess. She’s a great gateway funny bitch.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..Brought to You by the Number Three

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:21 am

I love that you compared her to a drug.

Carri February 17, 2012 at 10:47 am

Juanita Weasel is the new black.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:22 am

I laughed so hard at this. Goddamn you’re funny.

Bobbie February 17, 2012 at 10:59 am

Jenny is my hero. Who else can can weave such a beautiful tapestry with a taxidermy collection, boobie mushrooms, and a giant metal chicken? She made me feel good about naming the awesome javelina head hanging over my fireplace. :)

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:22 am

Anyone else and they’d be crazy. Jenny makes it look sexy.

Jillian @ Brilliant Title February 17, 2012 at 11:18 am

Jenny, can I interest you in an oversized parrot statue to complement the chicken? It’s on sale at my store. We named him Salvatore.
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..You Trust Me To Pretend To Be A Lesbian, Right?

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:23 am

I like that he has a spicy name!

Mamy February 17, 2012 at 12:50 pm

I heart Jenny! I also found you and Telling Dad on her site.

I so NEED a taxidermied weasel. Then again, who doesn’t need one!? It could be all the rage next Christmas. Instead of an Elf on the Shelf, you could get a Juanita to watch over the kiddos and report back to Santa! It could happen.
Mamy recently posted..Where’s the Plunger? I Know we Have One Somewhere!

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:23 am

I want the cobra one so bad I can taste it.

Amanda Jane February 17, 2012 at 2:01 pm

The Blogess was the first blog I ever read. This is both a blessing and a curse. The thing is, I’ve never found one I like quite as much. I always check in with you on Fridays in the hopes that I’ll find one. Not this week I guess.

Note: I love your blog. It’s a very close second. I know you won’t be offended because you love Jenny as much as I do.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:25 am

Mine was Hyperbole. I was forever hooked and lost to the world. Now I’m here, so it’s pretty rad.

I know I’ll always be second to Jenny. That’s good.

Charity Woosley February 17, 2012 at 2:48 pm

The PR guy post was one of my favorites. You’ve never seen so many riled up fans in your whole life. That jackhole had no idea who he was fucking with.
Charity Woosley recently posted..Fuck You Friday

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:25 am

She gets the craziest PR pitches. I get some, but they’re usually well worded. You’d think it’d be the other way around.

Mandi E. February 17, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Okay, so my dad was a hunter and we used to have a creepy ass stuffed squirrel on a piece of driftwood. It lost a paw during one of our moves and my brother and I replaced it with a cup hook. And then an eye patch. And I may have put a tiny parrot on its back. And that was still not as awesome as a weasel in a frock.

I have added her to my Google Reader. Thanks a lot for ruining my productivity, bitch.
Mandi E. recently posted..WTF Friday: Our bacon obsession is officially out of control.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:26 am

Did you really never read The Bloggess before?!?!

Brett Minor February 17, 2012 at 8:24 pm

I have been following Jenny for a few months. Love her.
Brett Minor recently posted..Great Week for Blogging

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:26 am

Me too!

shaunna February 18, 2012 at 12:49 am

all i can say is it’s about fucking time….i don’t know who makes me smile more between the 2 of you funny bitches. holla!!!

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:27 am

Hooray!

Jen February 19, 2012 at 6:38 pm

I actually started my blog because of YOU, Noa, so put that in your skullbong and smoke it! ;)

I love Jenny for so many reasons but perhaps most importantly that she makes my cyber-stalking of Nathan Fillion seem relatively normal.
Jen recently posted..The Red Dress Play List: Screaming Trees

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:28 am

How did you know I have a skullbong?

Also, this made my day.

Allie | Ramblings of a WAHM February 23, 2012 at 11:53 pm

OMG! I went to Juanita’s, er, Jenny’s Pinterest board, I couldn’t stop laughing!! I wish I had her sense of humor.

I am glad I found both of you!

~Allie
Allie | Ramblings of a WAHM recently posted..Blogging Success: Failure Is Success

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:28 am

Awwwwwwww.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress February 28, 2012 at 12:47 pm

She’s is just….beyond.
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..Monday Dare (and giveaway): Mommy, I hope you don’t go to jail.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:29 am

Agreed, yo. Agreed.

{ 1 trackback }

Previous post:

Next post: