FUCK YOU WHORE. Oh wait, Silly Autocorrect.

02/08/2012 · 101 comments

in Adrian, Grace, My Phone Makes Me Hulk-Angry, Psychological Warfare

Recently, my phone has been slowly giving out on me. In it’s rebellion, it has unleashed autocorrects at a frequency and embarrassment level never before seen.




And a final one, borrowed from Grace’s phone.

Every had any fun run-ins with Siri, misunderstood texts, or autocorrect?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Ally: “I don’t know how you all stay married to dudes. It seems horrible. However, if I find another used tissue in our bed I am probably going to kill my wife.”

Kim at Let Me Start By Saying February 8, 2012 at 4:53 am

This is the only reason I wish I had an iPhone. Hilarious.
Kim at Let Me Start By Saying recently posted..The Secrets of Stoic Men

Front Desk Ninja February 8, 2012 at 5:49 am

This isn’t limited to just iPhones. I had a Windows phone and it autocorrected the fuck out of my shit.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..My Hotel Is Fucking Haunted, Part One

Janene February 8, 2012 at 9:52 am

I have an Android phone, and it auto corrects all the damn time. So it’s not just limited to iphones.

L-Diggitty February 8, 2012 at 2:09 pm

I can barely function with my not-smart phone… imagine if I had a phone that KNEW it was smarter than me! It might progress beyond auto-correct and cut me in my sleep.
L-Diggitty recently posted..honeymooned, part 7

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:29 pm

@Kim: I didn’t want one until I got one. And then it goes and does this shit to me.

@FDN and Janene: I think they’re all bastards. “Smart” my ass.

@L-Diggitty: I just got a new OS for my computer…complete with autocorrect. Butthole=buttonhole! FUN!

Meg February 8, 2012 at 5:02 am

I’ve lived overseas for almost 4 years now so I don’t text. But things like this and Damn You Autocorrect really makes me wish I did. What I wouldn’t give for one good wrong number text.
Meg recently posted..A Wise Old Owl

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:30 pm

I’ll be honest, about 1/2 the time you see the autocorrect and decide to send it anyway because it’s more fun like that. You’re missing out!

Jenbug February 8, 2012 at 5:16 am

So, last time I saw my friend Bambi, the hiker, she told me this story about how she set off a fire anal eelworm had to dick the cops. I was all, “Hippo kitty shut, did you get caught!?” And she was all, “Yao. Fuckers said they could smell me a mile away.”
Jenbug recently posted..*UPDATED* Sad News. It’s for the child! For reals!

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:30 pm

That crazy ho.

Front Desk Ninja February 8, 2012 at 5:57 am

the number of times I’ve sent “you stupid ducking duck” to people while angry is astounding, and completely takes away my credibility as a badass.

There are so many more, but I’ve been awake too long and at work with the full moon crazies too long. Forgive me?
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..My Hotel Is Fucking Haunted, Part One

Jaclyn February 8, 2012 at 12:42 pm

textard
Jaclyn recently posted..Asshole Time 2.0

Front Desk Ninja February 9, 2012 at 1:13 am

Old woman!
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..My Hotel Is Fucking Haunted, Part One

Jackie G February 8, 2012 at 9:13 pm

When my phone converges all of my ‘fucks’ to ‘ducks’, I just yell at it “HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I EVER TEXTED THE WORD ‘DUCK’? NOW HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TEXTED ‘FUCK’? FIGURE IT THE DUCK OUT.”

Myth February 10, 2012 at 2:10 am

Every time my Droid 2 makes the “fuck” to “duck” correction, it reminds me of a song my best friend enjoys singing to weird people out. I swear, she collects them or something; she’s got a song for every occasion (or for when she’s bored and just feels like singing). Here is the song in question. It’s to the tune of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”

Fuck, fuck, fuck a duck
Screw a kangaroo
Gangbang an orangutan,
It’s an orgy at the zoo!

Jackie G February 10, 2012 at 9:51 am

I’m going to start singing this casually in my nursing classes and see what response I get.

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:36 pm

@FDN: It takes away all the badassery when you’re cursing a duck, doesn’t it?

@Jaclyn: New favorite word.

@Jackie: It never learns because it hates everyone.

@Myth: I never knew the last line of that limerick. Thank you!

Annie February 8, 2012 at 6:14 am

I type ‘okay’ on my phone and it sends ‘pliers’. PLIERS.

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:36 pm

Seems legit. Wait, what?

Mayor Gia February 8, 2012 at 6:32 am

Hhahaa those are so much better than the ones Boyfriend and I have. He says “Duck you” to me a lot, but I think it’s cuz he knows I love ducks and is just trying to make me feel good about myself.
Mayor Gia recently posted..How I Eat Popcorn and Why It’s Way Better Than the Way You Do It

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:37 pm

Awwww, then it’s just cute. I called my husband an eelworm. I didn’t even know those were things.

A Vapid Blonde February 8, 2012 at 6:56 am

I was drunk one night (shocker) and I told my voice control to “Go fuck yourself” and it proceeded to call a sorority sister I hadn’t spoken to in about 15 years. So that was really cool. I guess my phone told me to “Go fuck your self” right back.
A Vapid Blonde recently posted..Me and My Middle Bully. Kind of Like The Song “Me and My Shadow”. Kind of.

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:38 pm

Wow, your phone is one vindictive asshole. Hippo Kitty Shut.

A Vapid Blonde February 8, 2012 at 6:58 am

Probably the most awful part of my comment is the words “Sorority Sister” What the fuck was I thinking in college?
A Vapid Blonde recently posted..Me and My Middle Bully. Kind of Like The Song “Me and My Shadow”. Kind of.

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:39 pm

It’s okay. We all went through that phase.

Amber February 8, 2012 at 7:18 am

In a random fit of domesticity I was attempting to bake something. Sent my husband a text asking him where the vagina was. He responded with “well I hope it’s between your legs”. Fabulous.

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:39 pm

Slowclap, Amber. Well done.

Misty February 8, 2012 at 8:23 am

What I’m stumped about is why Siri would NOT understand “turn on my six anal?” I mean, isn’t it obvious?

My iPhone corrects Misty’s Laws to Misty slaves if I don’t keep an eye on that fucker. Yeah, that’s totally what I meant to say.
Misty recently posted..The Story of the Au Pair

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:40 pm

Siri is a huge bitch, and will only answer to me. Not my sister, not Adrian–only me. So then I tell her to do horrible things.

Megan February 8, 2012 at 9:02 am

I tried to voice search Ulta Tanasbourne while driving once (Tanasbourne being the area in which the store was located). Search results?

Ultra Tan Ass Porn.

Jillian @ Brilliant Title February 9, 2012 at 11:36 pm

Snooki?
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..Sir Mix-A-Lot And I Are Going To Have A Baking Party. You’re Invited.

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:40 pm

@Megan: I’m sure that’s a real porn. Sure.

@Jillian: Well done.

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) February 8, 2012 at 9:25 am

My phone changed my friend’s boyfriend’s name from Spencer to Scooter.

So now, of course, we call him Scooter. Because it is written.
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..Trending now: Big Ass

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:41 pm

I spit when I read this. SPIT. Goddamn you.

Charity Woosley February 8, 2012 at 10:00 am

lol.
Charity Woosley recently posted..Hello?

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:41 pm

Why thank you.

Janene February 8, 2012 at 10:22 am

My phone hates the word “like”. Any time I use the word, it autocorrects to “Luke”. Every.damn.time. I don’t know where my phone developed this animosity towards Luke, but when they eventually meet up, it ain’t gonna be pretty.

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:41 pm

Is your phone Sad Darth Vader?

Jillian @ Brilliant Title February 8, 2012 at 10:31 am

Unfortunately, the text I sent which remarkably implied that both he and I were prostitutes was created in my own infinite wisdom. Hippo Kitty Slut, I wish I could blame that one on autocorrect…
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..Does Don McLean Know About This?

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:43 pm

I once weirdly misled my mother and my sister into thinking that I was pregnant through no fault of autocorrect. There’s no autocorrect for being an asshole.

themandilee February 8, 2012 at 10:31 am

I completely understand correcting words not in the PG dictionary of phone text, my phone however likes to add letters. not a random t or f because my fingers are dumb but the specific sequence “lldunn” to the end of words. Example? “I needlldunn to pick up milk from the grocerylldunn store can you thinklldunn of anything you need?” I admit “bceause”, “dirnking”, and “idnner” are my shitty typing but I can not accept responsibility for “lldunn.”

Brandon S February 8, 2012 at 1:46 pm

My phone forever thinks that “you” is spelled “ypu” because I couldn’t get it right the first few times. And there is no training it back. Seriously, training my phone is harder than training my husband.
Brandon S recently posted..To Mancave or Not to Mancave? That is the question.

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:45 pm

@Mandi: It’s the norwegian version of ‘izzle.’

@Brandon: I HATE when it does that shit! It did that with me on ‘retired’ once by going with ‘retsrdedky.’ And there’s no going back.

nadine February 8, 2012 at 10:52 am

Ever since Steve Jobs died, my iPhone stopped autocorrecting “shit” to “shut” and “fuck” to “duck.” If only it would learn the difference between motherfukka, motherfucker, and motherfuckin.
nadine recently posted..American Domesticated Shorthair Nadine

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:46 pm

I NOTICED THAT, TOO! Thank you, Apple, for instituting that change immediately.

Kelly February 8, 2012 at 11:16 am

I don’t have any funny autocorrect stories that I can remember, but since I crossed over to the smartphone darkside, my texts have turned into novels. Oh, you don’t care that I had Special K for breakfast, shit at 1030 and stubbed my toe? But you asked what was new, dammit!
Kelly recently posted..Happy One Year Closer To Being A Teenager, Dear Daughter…

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:47 pm

I feel that if you have a smartphone, you have no excuse for using text speak anymore. I applaud your linguistic efforts.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd February 8, 2012 at 11:38 am

You sure you don’t have it set to “catchphrase generator?” Because that’s what it seems to be doing.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..My Bad Habit: Writing Posts to Further Avoid Having to Talk to My Neighbor

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:47 pm

I wish that were a real setting, because that would be rad as fuck.

Brett Minor February 8, 2012 at 11:43 am

My brother has one of those ‘smart’ phones and refuses to ever correct it when it messes up, because he thinks it would be funnier to just send whatever it comes up with. I wish I had one.
Brett Minor recently posted..Stuntman Training Accidents #1

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:48 pm

It’s more fun that way, honestly.

Bill G. February 8, 2012 at 11:44 am

I found out that MS Word auto-corrects the word “loctite” to “lactate”. It made that technical memo to my female chief engineer a lot more interesting.

Beth February 9, 2012 at 12:01 pm

You know how many times I have emailed people “sorry for the incontinence” when I meant to type inconvenience? Ugh!
Beth recently posted..Beauty Fucking Hurts!

Bill G. February 10, 2012 at 9:03 am

That is nuts. They’re probably saying to themselves, “I didn’t realize that you had a problem with that, but apology accepted!”

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:49 pm

@Bill: I want to see that memo.

@Beth: And now I’ll always be using that instead. Thank you!

Red February 8, 2012 at 12:01 pm

I’m so used to the old texting abbreviations that I keep telling people It’s “fine, tux”. because my android doesn’t recognize “thx” as thanks.

I always try to fix the autocorrect, grumbling under my breath about how I might as well go back to my old keyboard-less phone, because it takes so long to correct the autocorrect!
Red recently posted..Angry Birds, a.k.a. The Opium App

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:50 pm

I like to think that you just have sassy nicknames for people.

Jen February 8, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Didn’t Hippo Kitty Shut open for Coldplay last year?
Jen recently posted..An Homage to Misty

Mandi E. February 8, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Mentioning Coldplay without also using, “You know how I know you’re gay” in the same breath isn’t okay. And knowing who opened for them ain’t cool either. Party foul.
Mandi E. recently posted..My coffee pot has a more impressive sex life than I do.

Jen February 8, 2012 at 2:37 pm

But Chris Martin writes such thoughtful and insightful lyrics! If not for him, we may not have noticed that the stars shine. . .and that they’re yellow AND blue.
Jen recently posted..An Homage to Misty

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:51 pm

@Jen: I love you. Weird? Who cares.

@Mandi: GOOD CATCH. No one likes Coldplay.

Wendy February 8, 2012 at 12:44 pm

I once texted my teen daughter to stop at the store to pick up prawns on the way home but I incorrectly typed “prans” and my phone changed it to “porn”. My daughter still tells anyone who’ll listen about how her mother asked her to pickup porn. I expect my mother of the year award in the mail any day now.
Wendy recently posted..How to Write Your Stupid Book: Tip 6 – When do I go on Oprah?

Bill G. February 8, 2012 at 4:36 pm

That should make the evening more interesting.

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:52 pm

@Wendy: I love that your daughter just rolled with it instead of being so embarrassed. I would have been mortified.

@Bill: Agreed.

Dana the Biped February 8, 2012 at 1:23 pm

I have a dumb phone. Fine be me, since everybody I know is smarter than autocorrect anyway. But I do have a smart camera (yeah, I don’t know, either), and it’s alarmingly easy to accidentally post pictures to Facebook. That’s an atrocity waiting to happen.
Dana the Biped recently posted..The Naked Children Are Not Mine.

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:53 pm

Apparently, certain phones will automatically post photos to Google+ with no notification!

Brandon S February 8, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I hate to say it but there ARE actually showers where you can win a rubber dick and it’s perfectly acceptable to bring lube. Granted these aren’t baby showers because had a rubber dick been involved the whole shower mess could have been completely avoided.
Brandon S recently posted..To Mancave or Not to Mancave? That is the question.

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:53 pm

I have been to said showers, and they were more fun than this shower. However, Alicia did get to draw huge boobs on a board in front of a room full of strangers at said baby shower.

Mandi E. February 8, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I taught my phone all the bad words on the first day and the REALLY bad words on the second day. On the third day, I tried to type “fuck this” and it autocorrected to “fucksticks.” And there, on the fourth day, there was nothing left to do but rest. Because I am the god of autocorrect.
Mandi E. recently posted..My coffee pot has a more impressive sex life than I do.

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:54 pm

I think your phone is making you even more awesome.

Becca February 8, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Ironically enough I just wrote a post about this too, maybe a week and half ago, wherein auto correct let me dad know I’m sorry he’s “dick” as opposed to SICK, and my husband I was having bad day at work and that this “dick” sucks as opposed to SHIT. Auto correct hates me. Also, I use the words dick, suck, shit and fuck too much. And pretty much in that order.

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:55 pm

Mine knows MUTHAFUCKA in all caps. Don’t worry about using too many.

Andi Davies February 8, 2012 at 2:36 pm

My autocorrect never corrects to anything fun. I want to exchange my smart phone for your dumb ass phone.
Andi Davies recently posted..Let Me Entertain You…With Delusions of Importance

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:56 pm

90% of them are lame. Then there’s that beautiful 10% of terrifying craziness.

K A B L O O E Y February 8, 2012 at 2:39 pm

My Siri just stone cold hates me. But I finally did figure out why she’s always too busy to handle my requests: http://wp.me/p1Y5I1-jN
K A B L O O E Y recently posted..Moochie’s Book Report: 3D Sharks

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:56 pm

Siri is a cunt, yo. Cunt.

Jana February 8, 2012 at 3:31 pm

I have an android phone, the HTC one, and autocorrect only seems to jack me when I am texting my Mommy. I meant to say “I don’t know” and it changed it to ” I dick you” I also texted her “As usual” and it told her that she was an “Ass shat”. It’s a good thing that I am her only daughter and she loves me no matter what!!
Jana recently posted..“Penis is the dipstick of the bodies’ health” according to Dr. Hairy Fish…I mean Harry Fisch

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:56 pm

Ass shat is spectacular, and a new favorite phrase!

Johi February 8, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Awesome! I don’t have autocorrect on my “travel phone” so I don’t get first hand experience of any of this. I do enjoy reading other peoples journals, I mean AutoCorrect mistakes.
Johi recently posted..My Birthday List, with plenty of time for you to shop.

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:57 pm

Yeah, it’s a horrifying glimpse into my life, isn’t it?

Gretchen February 8, 2012 at 7:18 pm

A client told me today that she texted a friend to inform her that she was switching from biweekly to weekly appointments with me (her therapist.) Except autocorrect stepped in, prompting her friend to respond,

“Enjoy your bisexual appointment with your therapist.”
Gretchen recently posted..Hunger Games guest post!

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:57 pm

I know my therapist often goes there. I should probably call her on that.

Lilscorpiosweet February 8, 2012 at 9:21 pm

I haven’t had any texting blunders with my phone unless you count misspelled words and such. Only once did Fuck become Duck.

But after reading these comments and falling out of my chair from laughing so hard at the blog and the comments.. I blame Noa for breaking my chair in which I was reclining .. I already tweeted her.
Lilscorpiosweet recently posted..Friday Chair Tippin…

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:58 pm

I’m sorry about your chair! But not sorry you laughed.

Eric February 9, 2012 at 12:39 am

It’s posts like these that make me want to turn my auto-correct back on, just for the entertainment value.
Eric recently posted..There is no sense of humor more twisted than Google’s

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:58 pm

DO IT DO IT DO IT

sars! February 9, 2012 at 10:54 am

The bonus to still being in the dark ages with a crackberry is it doesn’t auto correct… it does spell check and offer some awesome selections sometimes. The dark-ages can be good.
sars! recently posted..rainbows and bacon bitches

Noa February 15, 2012 at 11:59 pm

You do have brick-breaker, which is only fun on a blackberry.

Britt February 9, 2012 at 1:26 pm

I love autocorrect.
My girlfriend has an iphone and sends me the most ridiculous nonsense on the regular.

This one afternoon I got a text that said “I’M FUCKING THE DOG TODAY”.

I laughed for like 20 minutes thinking that was the BEST autocorrect I had ever received.
Turns out, that’s an expression… meaning that you’re doing fuck all…

That is all.
Britt recently posted..Valentine’s Day (Alt. Title: Shoot Me in the Face)

Noa February 16, 2012 at 12:00 am

Wow.

That’s the best I’ve ever seen. Well done.

Jen February 9, 2012 at 1:52 pm

That’s why I have a ghetto-ass Trac phone. That little bitch knows to keep her cheap whore mouth shut.
Jen recently posted..Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken By Me and My Friends: Part 9

Bill G. February 10, 2012 at 9:06 am

That’s what I use, too. Paying $100/month for a phone plan just isn’t for me. I haven’t decided whether they’re dumb or I’m a cheap-ass.

Noa February 16, 2012 at 12:00 am

@Jen: Keep that shit in line, Jen.

@Bill: I hate that I love my iPhone so much. Good for you.

mark February 9, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Wow, that’s amazing. They’ve got some work to do perfecting the technology me thinks. Hippo Kitty Shut.
mark recently posted..No Thanks, Larry

Noa February 16, 2012 at 12:01 am

I think they keep it all fucked up for just such occurrences.

Kelsey B February 9, 2012 at 11:30 pm

I’ve had my iPhone 4s for a few months now. You can ask Siri “where to dispose of a body,” and she’ll answer. You can ask her where to get a happy ending and sometimes she’ll answer with massage parlors (I’ve seen my brother ask many times, but I’ve only gotten this response from her once. Now she tells me about restaurants). I did not realize until yesterday you can ask her to call you by a different name. I’ve asked her to call me “Sugar Tits.” She doesn’t say your name all the time, but I love it when she says “All right Sugar Tits, Stephen is your husband.”

Noa February 16, 2012 at 12:02 am

I changed Adrian’s Siri to call him “Captain Tightpants.” He didn’t know about it until he used Siri at work one day in front of clients.

Thoughts Appear February 12, 2012 at 8:41 am

I’m going to start saying, “Hippo Kitty Shut.” Don’t worry. It’ll catch on.
Thoughts Appear recently posted..My Masterpiece: Frozen Yogurt at its Best

Noa February 16, 2012 at 12:02 am

Thank you for your effort.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress February 14, 2012 at 9:23 pm

My phone was acting like an asshole, so I dropped it in a bowl of soup.

Now, it is dead.
elizabeth- flourishinprogress recently posted..Monday Dare: Dragon Water

Noa February 16, 2012 at 12:03 am

You know how to fuck up a phone better than anyone I know.

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