Everything Is Trying To Kill Me

02/01/2012 · 152 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This,Psychological Warfare

Sometimes my brain creates the most irrational, invasive thoughts and works against me, acting as my personal reminder for all the horrifying things that could and probably will happen to me.

  • I’m going to drop my keys and phone in the gap between the elevator and the floor and when I bend down to pick it up the elevator closes.
  • When I stand up on the back of a grocery cart, the bar is going to break and I’ll slam my chin into the handle and I’ll break my jaw.
  • I’m going to trip on the elliptical and when I lean forward inevitably to catch myself, the handle will come flying back and ram me in the face.
  • When I bend over to dry my hair I’m going to wang my head on the toilet and give myself brain damage.
  • I’ll raise my foot to flush the toilet in a public restroom, and my shoe is going to fall in right as it’s flushing and when I lean forward in horror that I’ve lost my shoe down a toilet, my phone will fall out of my jacket and also be flushed away and then I’ll be standing shoeless and phoneless in a public restroom.
  • I will fart on stage during a poignant silence.
  • My touch-activated lamp will suddenly become sentient and shock me at random intervals when I try to turn it on.
  • I will get on a plane with the first case of small pox seen in the US for years and I will get them.
  • I will be caught up in someone else’s high-speed chase and my tire will catch a badly-aimed bullet and I will die.
  • The zombie apocalypse will happen on the day right before I go to buy groceries and all I have is dry pasta and V8 Splash.
  • That my ridiculously overpowered hand mixer will mix itself right out of the bowl and pull my hand in.
  • When I say something like “I don’t like the name ______,” it will be the name of the child of person I’m speaking with.
  • I will choke on a fried mozzarella stick.
  • That I’ll meet Peter Forsberg and he’ll remember that time I licked a window to get his attention at an intersection.
  • The new movie theater we’re trying out will have velvet-like seats and I will not have a coat to lay over the seat.
  • There is a moth in my air vents in my car and will fly angrily into my face when I turn it on.
  • My contacts will stick to my eyes and when I try to get them out I scratch my cornea and blind myself.
  • When I’m drying my hair my blowdryer will suddenly backfire and become a flame thrower.
  • I’m going to paper cut myself every time I get the mail.
  • My dog will suddenly decide to leave the elevator right when the doors close and I will be unable to get back to the floor where she is.
  • I will find an unsavory creature under the ice when I go to dump out a coke in the sink.
  • I will slice off my nipple when moving from one armpit to the other.
  • My wedding ring will catch on the trash bag when I shove it down the trash chute and will fall down 34 floors.
  • That someone will steal my computer and before I can remotely wipe it they will publish the contents of my horrific music library and then everyone knows just how bad my taste really is.
  • I will fart right before someone else gets into the impossibly slow freight elevator and they will confront me about it.

It’s exhausting being afraid of damn near everything.

Do you have any irrational fears?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Pish Posh: “This makes me love you so much it hurts. My frenemy is my fridge. It’ s like “I’m sad. I don’t WANT to cool everything to the same temperature. I want to be a freezer sometimes. I feel blue. My inner door handle breaks every time you open it because I want you to see how your love hurts me.”

 

{ 149 comments }

Mayor Gia February 1, 2012 at 6:57 am

Oh ALL the time. Like the other night, I was going to drink wine and use a humidifier when I slept (a sinus thing) but then I was like…what if it catches fire when I pass out? And I’m too drunk to notice? And my comforter was super cheap and from walmart so I’m SURE it’s flammable. What do I do? Drop stop and roll? Roll drop and stop? And if I don’t catch on fire, I’d have to wake my roommate up…what if by the time I get to her, the fire has spread to the door? And to the balcony? WHAT THEN?!? IS THAT HOW IT’S GOING TO END???

…then I decided not to use my humidifier.
Mayor Gia recently posted..In Which I Discover I May Be Allergic to Wine. FML.

Jaclyn February 1, 2012 at 8:49 am

Oh I definitely have the “things that will set my house on fire” fear. All. The. Time.
Jaclyn recently posted..An Actual Post About My Kid

PishPosh February 1, 2012 at 10:07 am

Doesn’t the humidifier have water in it?!
PishPosh recently posted..From a Teacher to Her Students: Things I Can’t Say

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:23 am

@Gia: I fear fire like nobody’s business. Then again, my house has burned twice.

@Jaclyn: It’s all consuming, isn’t it? I swear that wasn’t a fire pun.

@PishPosh: But what happens when it runs out?!?

Pish Posh February 1, 2012 at 7:34 am

When I have to use a port-a-potty I freak out.

NOTHING can convince me that there aren’t snakes and rodents and zombies in the toilet, gonna reach up and pull my down or bite my lady bits.

Nothing.

Also, when I swim in rivers I’m really afraid that dead people will be floating underneath and bump into me
Pish Posh recently posted..From a Teacher to Her Students: Things I Can’t Say

Heather Rose February 1, 2012 at 8:43 am

I think Cabin by the Lake might be the root of my fear of all natural bodies of water – Judd Nelson, you are no longer the lovable bad guy … you’re just fucking scary.
Heather Rose recently posted..TSA strikes again

Jen February 1, 2012 at 2:15 pm

That movie scared the bejeebus outta me. When the chick is swimming underwater. . .and, and she sees the bride. . .and. . .HER FACE IS FUCKING GONE!!!! ((shudder)) Hold me.
Jen recently posted..Et tu, Target?

Beth February 1, 2012 at 10:19 am

Nothing can convince me someone won’t try and push is over even if I am the only one anywhere near the shit box!
Beth recently posted..It has come to my attention…

Brandon S. February 1, 2012 at 11:44 am

I would much rather use a bush than a port-a-potty. But then my whole fear of being gang raped in jail comes to mind and I just hold it until we go home. I’ve built up one hell of a bladder.
Brandon S. recently posted..Affordable, high end tile? You betcha says Filmore Clark!

Barefootorbust February 1, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Yeah…me too. Someone once told me this awful story about biffy gnomes (biffys being portable toilets). *shudder*

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:27 am

@Pish: I’m so glad I’m not the only one. Porta-potties are fucking terrifying.

@Heather & Jen: I’ve never seen it, and now I never will. Shit.

@Beth: Final Destination and Jackass have ruined us all.

@Brandon: As a woman and must-squatter, it’s almost worth the fear to not get weeds up your pee-hole.

@Barefoot: WHAT? WHAT GNOMES?

Stephanie February 1, 2012 at 7:43 am

Every time I swim a river I’m afraid I’m going to end up in an episode of House because some parasite is going to crawl my ear and not hatch eggs until way later after my kidney has ruptured and they’ve done some evasive surgeries that aren’t needed thinking it’s something else.
Stephanie recently posted..The Florida Primary – A Preview

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:30 am

DID YOU KNOW CERTAIN LEECHES CRAWL UP PEEHOLES?

Enjoy being in bodies of water ever again.

Misty February 1, 2012 at 7:53 am

First, why exactly are you jumping on the back of the grocery cart? I might have missed the part when you explained that you are FIVE YEARS OLD.

I used to get all freaked out when my kids were babies if I would hear any noise comnig from there room. I would imagine that there was some sort of kidnapper in the neighborhood and I would have this elaborate fantasy about them getting a ladder and climbing up to the baby’s window and snatching the baby before I could get in there after hearing the noise on the baby monitor and then imagine trying to run down to the front door in time to chase after them before they sped away. Yeah, I wasn’t getting much sleep back then. I’m gonna blame that.
Misty recently posted..Save the Planet

Kelly February 1, 2012 at 8:27 am

I totally had the Raising Arizona freak outs when Quinn was a baby. I blame it on no sleep, no wine, and watching several episodes of LOST back to back.
Kelly recently posted..State Testing Mini Rant That Will Probably Turn Into A Maxi Rant, But Not A Maxi Pad, Just To Be Clear…

Jen February 1, 2012 at 9:39 pm

I would have paid a bitch to pull a Lindburgh kidnap on my short people last night, I shit you not. Lately I’ve had eloborative fantasies about ESCAPING via a ladder through the window. . .Nathan Fillion may or may not have played a role in this fantasy. . .while dressed as a fireman. . .I’m just sayin’.
Jen recently posted..Et tu, Target?

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:33 am

@Misty: I know. It’s a terrible secret. I’m 5. I just really love riding on grocery carts because I’m lazy like whoa. Also, as paranoid as I am over just me, I can’t fucking wait to have kids.

@Kelly: Lost ruined me forever.

@Jen: You’re my momhero. I WANT TO BE YOU.

Cheryl S. February 1, 2012 at 7:53 am

I HATE drawbridges. I’m just certain that somehow I’m going to be driving over it and it’s going to open and I’m going to be left hanging there, praying the car doesn’t rock at all!

I also hate palmetto bugs. (they’re ginormous cockroaches, THAT.FLY.) If I see one, I’m certain it’s going to fly and land on my face and get tangled in my hair and then I will have to kill myself.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd February 1, 2012 at 11:49 am

I hate all bridges. There’s this one bridge on a road I’m on all the time, when the stoplight is red, the traffic backs up over it and you can feel it bending from the incoming cars. I just think “please don’t collapse please don’t collapse” over and over until the green light.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..How to Keep Your Weird Wife Happy and Informed

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:34 am

@Cheryl: I secretly love drawbridges for the reason that it may be the only chance I have to ramp the fuck out of something.

@Carrie: Final Destination has ruined us all.

Kelly February 1, 2012 at 8:35 am

Irrational fears is my middle name. Well, not really. It’s Jo. But I digress. Remember that whole Overpass Of Death conversation? Yeah. Big Ass Bridges that cover really fucking big rivers and are made of super strong concrete and steel? They’ll collapse as soon as I’m over the water. I won’t buy Capri Sun anymore because of the picture that circulated with this foreign object someone found in it. It was an apple peel. Don’t care. Could have been zombie monkey shit that turned you into a zombie from the inside out. Can never be too careful.
Kelly recently posted..State Testing Mini Rant That Will Probably Turn Into A Maxi Rant, But Not A Maxi Pad, Just To Be Clear…

Kelly February 1, 2012 at 9:35 am

I should probably stop reading comments as I’m realizing WHY THE FUCK am I not afraid of the things people are posting. My wallet and liver thank you for the extra therapy, Noa.
Kelly recently posted..State Testing Mini Rant That Will Probably Turn Into A Maxi Rant, But Not A Maxi Pad, Just To Be Clear…

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:36 am

I read this first that your middle name was your irrational fear. Such as, you were afraid of Jo.

Also, I’m an idiot.

You can never be too careful about becoming a zombie. A the best defense is a good offense, I say.

Kelly February 3, 2012 at 7:50 am

You’re not an idiot, you’ve just made me realize that I need to legally change my name.
Kelly recently posted..I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts, dee lee dee dee dee…

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) February 1, 2012 at 8:43 am

I’m terrified that I will die in some horrible, humiliating, butt-related way, and after impaling myself in the ass with a steak knife, the inevitability of that happening is constantly looming over my head every single time I sit on something.

I’m positive I’m going to start my period every time I leave the house in light colored pants, and I won’t know it until hours later, when I arrive back home, only to discover a blood stain the size of a salad plate on the back of my pants.

Every time I walk across a parking lot… ANY parking lot… I’m sure that I’m going to fall down and when I land, I’ll wet my pants.

I’m afraid my food processor is going to come to life of it’s own accord and the whirling blade will fly out and slice my face into ribbons.

I’m afraid that when the lights are turned off, I’ll suddenly go blind.

I’m afraid that someone will sneak mayonnaise onto my sandwich or burger and I’ll take a bite.

And so, so, SO
OOOOOOOooooooooooo

much more.
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..Reasons Why I’ll Never Go Nude Sky Diving

Jen February 1, 2012 at 9:48 pm

I guess I do have ONE fear as I am certain to die in a way that will show up on a Spike TV special. Heart attack? Cancer? Sweetie-Darling, no. ((yeah, I know you’ll catch the Ab/Fab reference, Dani ;) )) I will go out being bludgeoned in the head by a chunck of crystallized feces falling from the MIR space station or some similarly obscure dickery like that. Meh…
Jen recently posted..Et tu, Target?

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:38 am

@Danielle: I’ve shared your nude skydiving post on Twitter because imagining shitting while skydiving nude made me laugh like crazy. Also, this comment wasn’t mean to be hilarious, I’m sure, but it made me laugh like a motherfucker. YOU’RE FUNNY IS WHAT I’M SAYING.

@Jen: You WOULD die in some ridiculous way like that.

Jaclyn February 1, 2012 at 8:45 am

Mice coming up from the drain in my shower. Snakes too. Murderers. I have a very irrational fear of being serial murdered in the most sadistic way possible. When I was pregnant, I was really constipated all the time, and I was always afraid I was going to push too hard and break my water.
Jaclyn recently posted..An Actual Post About My Kid

Kelly February 1, 2012 at 9:34 am

When I was little, I was convinced that snakes could come up into the toilet. I was also convinced they covered my bedroom floor like a carpet at night, so I’d have to jump all Indiana Jones-style to the door if I needed to pee.
Kelly recently posted..State Testing Mini Rant That Will Probably Turn Into A Maxi Rant, But Not A Maxi Pad, Just To Be Clear…

Beth February 1, 2012 at 11:00 am

Short story. I was an apartment manager for a very long time (crazy fucking stories from that place by the way) and we had a “no exotic pets” policy. No snakes, spiders, etc. So we are changing the air filter in an apartment one day and notice this lady had several snakes. We told her they had to go or she was getting evicted It was then she said she was missing a snake. I was confused. “What do you mean you are missing a snake,” I said. “Well he got out a few weeks ago and I thought he would come back.” “Do snakes come back? How does that work? Are they like cats and they just go out on the fucking balcony for a stroll and come back to their tank when they are ready?” I immediately got nervous.

Not four hours later the neighbors below her called and said there was something suspicious on their floor by their sofa; they said it looked like snake skin. We had to go up to the apartment and sure enough, snake skin. Stop reading if you are going to flip out, but the snake had taken up residency in their sofa. That is where we found him! They flipped the fuck out, I flipped the fuck out, the evicted resident was happy to have her fucking illegal python back.

And that is why I don’t buy used sofas, chairs, mattresses, etc.
Beth recently posted..It has come to my attention…

Kelly February 1, 2012 at 11:39 am

Holy Jack Fucking Hanna, HELL NO! I’m never shopping consignment for furniture again. EVER.

I have to ask though, did you feel like the Crocodile Hunter? Because your level of badassness just skyrocketed, Beth. Hold me?
Kelly recently posted..State Testing Mini Rant That Will Probably Turn Into A Maxi Rant, But Not A Maxi Pad, Just To Be Clear…

Brandon S. February 1, 2012 at 11:47 am

You can still buy consignment just make sure you have it reupholstered before bring it home. Though… only do that if you have a love hate “Surprise!” relationship with your upholstered.
Brandon S. recently posted..Affordable, high end tile? You betcha says Filmore Clark!

Beth February 1, 2012 at 12:16 pm

That shit was not cool; I hate being in charge sometimes. My service manager and I were very jumpy. When he kicked the sofa up on its back and he saw my face, he dropped it and ran. We were a bunch of pussies over that snake. The shit I would find in apartments, stories I would hear, complaints I would get…residents be crazy!
Beth recently posted..It has come to my attention…

Brandon S. February 2, 2012 at 5:37 pm

I probably have a few stories for you about commercial properties we’ve worked on. Some that will make you never want to go into a big building alone again.
Brandon S. recently posted..There is always an exception to every rule

Jen February 1, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Oh my crap, I was the same way! Being a high-risk twin pregnancy and being on hospitalized bedrest for 16 weeks I was afraid to blow my fucking nose for fear of ejecting a fetus across the room.
Jen recently posted..Et tu, Target?

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:41 am

That shouldn’t be a hilarious visual, but it is.

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:40 am

@Jaclyn: I once did have a mouse come up out a drainpipe. Beware.

@Kelly: I was convinced that was true of moths. Still am!

@Beth: JESUS CHRIST. I NEVER WANT TO RENT. ANYMORE. BECAUSE I AM NOW.

Heather Rose February 1, 2012 at 8:47 am

I’m afraid of closed shower curtains. When I was little, I had a babysitter who would play hide and seek with us, and one time he hid in the shower and jumped out and scared me so badly I refused to shower for a week. Then a couple years ago, I found a giant cave cricket in my roommate’s shower. Evil lurks behind closed shower curtains. I’ll just wash my hair in the sink, thankyouverymuch.
Heather Rose recently posted..TSA strikes again

Tina February 1, 2012 at 7:32 pm

I am terrified of closed shower curtains. I’m always afraid a ghost or something is hiding behind there watching me. I am also afraid to close my eyeys while rinsing my hair out. I’m convinced that whenI open my eyes something will be there, like a serial killer or a giant spider.

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:43 am

@Heather: I only am if I’m inside the shower. I’m just sure I’ll end up dying Psycho style.

@Tina: I’m glad I’m not the only open-eyed rinser. Can’t close ‘em.

Dear Sweet Mama February 1, 2012 at 9:04 am

Ohh – the dropping the keys thing into any handy hole or slot is always lurking in the back of my mind. I also have an irrational fear of being on something high up and jumping off – hmm, wonder what that is all about? When I used to work night shift, I always hated to hear a news story where they were looking for a hit and run driver, afraid it might have been me falling asleep at the wheel on my way home. I am terrified that the food disposal will somehow develop arms and reach out and suck me down, then turning itself on with said arms. Worry a little about rats coming out of the toilet since I know someone that happened to. Good God. Maybe I do need to see a counselor, as Hoody has suggested. I actually am thinking the big guns – a real psychiatrist – may be in order after reading this list and realizing I could go on for hours. Is it too early for a gin and tonic?

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:43 am

Every time I think you’ve topped yourself, you make me suspect you’re a hit and run driver. I love you, DSM. So much.

Dear Sweet Mama February 1, 2012 at 9:05 am

Having just shredded something, the shredder scares the beJesus out of me.

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:45 am

They’ll pull your ass right in.

Jillian @ Brilliant Title February 1, 2012 at 10:03 am

Always and forever, I am afraid of the demon-possessed self-checkout machines at the grocery store. Why must they exist? Why? Can’t we all agree just to support tall, skinny, awkward high school boys who are “saving up to buy a car” but are actually hoping that having money to buy condoms and booze will mean they will have a need for them? Those grocery checkers/baggers need our love, and I’m sure the self-checkout machines are getting ready to turn on us.
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..Does Don McLean Know About This?

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:46 am

I NEVER get that shit right. I always end up in Spanish and always bag it incorrectly and I fail.

KT February 1, 2012 at 10:16 am

First time poster!

I actually have very few fears, but I am absolutely terrified of being possessed. Yes, like by a demon. Totally irrational, but totally terrifying.

Front Desk Ninja February 2, 2012 at 12:29 am

Maybe someone cool, like Marilyn Monroe, or JFK would inhabit you.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Bug, Part One and a lot of other rambles

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:47 am

@KT: Hello! Glad you posted. And yeah, being possessed could probably be the worst shit ever.

@FDN: I would like to be possessed by Mae West, I think.

Chris February 1, 2012 at 10:17 am

Don’t lick windows They’re not as clean as they look!!!

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:49 am

Lesson learned the hard way.

Terry February 1, 2012 at 10:19 am

OMG, I thought I was the only one to come up with elaborate ways for the world to kill me. In my defence I’m a clutz of the highest order, and my sister will be very disapointed if I don’t end up on “1000 Ways To Die”. This is aparently to blame for her love of slapstick becaus the most humour she was exposed to as a child was me faceplanting. I’ve actually done the rake handle to the face thing.
Closed shower curtains when no one is in them. I get that people are just hiding the unscrubbed grout, but come on! Why give that murderer an easy hiding spot? If he times it right, you can’t even run away cause your pants are around your ankles!

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:50 am

Growing up with a sister who loves slapstick made me a hell of a comedian. A skill gained painfully, as I’m sure you can commiserate.

nadine February 1, 2012 at 10:25 am

Aliens abducting me at night is my biggest concern.

Losing control of the car and driving off a bridge is my second.

Animals that seem nice but then change their minds and bite you is the third, this applies mainly to birds, as they always look like they are happy and smiling but more birds have bitten me than any other animal ever.

Not hanging any arms or legs off the bed while sleeping or else a hand will reach out from under the bed and grab me.
nadine recently posted..American Domesticated Shorthair Nadine

Beth February 1, 2012 at 10:47 am

“Not hanging any arms or legs off the bed while sleeping” is a good one! I still jump into my bed and if I drop something and it rolls under I won’t go looking for it.
Beth recently posted..It has come to my attention…

Tina February 1, 2012 at 7:35 pm

I never leave my feet uncovered or hanging over the edge. When I was younger, I would jump onto the bed from a couple of feet away just so my feet wouldn’t have to go near under the bed.

Stephanie February 2, 2012 at 11:15 am

I won’t scoot under the bed because it will immediately collapse and suffocate me. Dust bunnies, you have found your refuge.

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:51 am

@Nadine: I hate birds. I hate them more than ferrets. They’re all shifty bastards who cannot be trusted.

@Beth and Tina: Strangely, I can do that now that I have 20 boxes under my bed and therefore no room for murderers.

@Stephanie: Totally happened to me once except for the dying part. Beware.

Stephanie February 5, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Great, and here I thought it was an “irrational” fear!

Noa March 8, 2012 at 9:01 pm

Yeah. It also concussed me. Be safe, yo.

Haley February 1, 2012 at 10:36 am

I have a fear that my crazy English teacher who sent out emails to my other teachers saying that “she thought that I wanted her dead” will one day have a psychotic breakdown and show up at my front door.

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:52 am

Holy shit. That seems like a totally valid fear.

Beth February 1, 2012 at 10:46 am

Getting my hair stuck in something and having my scalp ripped off

I am not scared of bugs, and spiders, but if they are in my house and I want to put them outside I am convinced they will go straight for my face when I make contact.

Farting in my Gynocologist’s face

Whenever I hold babies I picture me tripping or falling down stairs only to launch them in the air to save myself.

I will somehow lose the tampon I put in and get an infection that will spread and then everyone will know I died because I use super sized tampons for my enormous vag.

Parking garages and empty stairwells when I am walking in them alone scare the shit out of me.
Beth recently posted..It has come to my attention…

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:53 am

I wonder how many times Gynos have been farted at. I mean, you can’t avoid that kind of thing when you’re poking around down there and creating pressure.

Sarah February 1, 2012 at 10:55 am

I have so many irrational fears that I don’t even know where to begin.

The sentient lamp shocking you thing, though, that’s not irrational. That happened to me… damn bastard lamp. We need to spread the word. There should be PSAs.
Sarah recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Just a Little Bit Vacationed

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:53 am

SON OF A BITCH. He’s turning on me, I knew it.

asplenia February 1, 2012 at 10:56 am

I am afraid that a snake will crawl out of the toilet while I’m on it and slither into my body cavity and devour my innards. Then my family will find my hollowed-out naked & shamed husk right when the snake’s eggs that were laid inside my abdomen hatch, transforming the simple act of opening a bathroom door into the next apocalypse.
asplenia recently posted..that’s it.

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:53 am

The most hilarious description of the worst ever way to die. Well done.

Brett Minor February 1, 2012 at 11:26 am

I always check light switches to make sure they are all the way on or off and not caught in the middle just waiting to short out and burn down the house. I also cannot walk away after flushing a toilet. I have to stay to make sure it doesn’t flood and to ensure the water in the tank stops running.
Brett Minor recently posted..6,000 and Counting

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:54 am

KEEP CHECKING THAT SHIT.

Fun fact: Adrian’s business totally did catch on fire in October for that very reason.

Megs February 1, 2012 at 11:33 am

OH MY GOD. I’ve never thought about slicing off my nipple while shaving. I hope my husband won’t mind me having hairy armpits for a while. THANKS.

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:55 am

You’d never even feel it until you realized how fucking bloody you are.

Sorry.

Lynne February 11, 2012 at 12:21 pm

This happens. I know, as I almost did it about four months ago. Bic Soleil razors are some four-bladed, sharp motherfuckers. And Noa’s right; I had no idea until blood was running down my torso. No loss of nip, but I incurred a very deep slice. After bandaging myself up, getting dressed, and walking into the living room, I stood in front of my boyfriend and asked if anything particularly looked out-of-place and he said, “Yeah, you’ve got a headlight out. What happened this time?” There was only one visible through the t-shirt, and boy did that look odd for a while since the band-aids totally blocked out the injured nip. A wider arc across the ol’ chestal area when shaving has proven effective in preventing any further potential nipple loss.

Noa March 8, 2012 at 9:00 pm

This was the funniest account of body mutilation I have ever read.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd February 1, 2012 at 11:53 am

I’m never not afraid that a bird is going to poop on me. I know if I were a bird, and I had the power to shit on people all the time, I would, so I assume all birds feel that way.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..How to Keep Your Weird Wife Happy and Informed

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:55 am

It happened to Grace once at my Grandmother’s house. I didn’t tell her for a while.

Brandon S. February 1, 2012 at 11:55 am

And THIS post is exactly why I do not, will not watch the Final Destination movie series because invariably I’ll end up dying by falling in the shower and getting my big toe wrapped up in an old fashioned pull out clothes line that some f**ker left out while water drips on my portable spaceheater thereby electrocuting me, strangling me, and embarrassing me all at the same time. And yes, I’m more worried about the embarrassment of people having to see my naked ass then the electrocution or strangulation part.
Brandon S. recently posted..Affordable, high end tile? You betcha says Filmore Clark!

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:56 am

I’ve not seen any of them for that reason. I HATE those movies anyway because it’s just cheap gore and I think that’s vile and terrible, but it’s so fucking terrifying.

Dana the Biped February 1, 2012 at 12:43 pm

I’m reeeeally short. The driver’s side seat in my car is pulled almost all the way forward. I’m afraid of letting anyone–including my mechanic–move it, because if they do, I’ll have to put it back where it belongs. And if I do that, the seat might not catch, and then, when a bus full of small children stops abruptly in front of me and I need to brake quickly, my seat will fly back when I try to push the brake pedal. And I won’t die, but I will have hit a bus full of small children, and that’s generally frowned upon.
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Misty February 1, 2012 at 12:52 pm

I have nightmares that my breaks will just stop working and that I will be going down a steep hill on a windy road and go over a cliff or that I will drift right through a red light and be slammed into by another car going through the intersection. I never thought about smashing into a school bus full of kids. I’m sure that little fear will incorporate itself into my nightmares now, thanks.
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Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:57 am

@Dana: I’m afraid that I’ll get my chest crushed by the steering column for the same short-person-seat reason. Every day I drive I think it’ll be my last.

@Misty: In my fears, it’s the bus that slams into me.

Tina February 1, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Well, now that I’ve read this list, I’m terrified of everything on it. Especially the zombies coming before grocery day, and the nipple slicing. I can’t believe my paranoid brain never thought of either of those before. So…thanks for making me that much more crazy. My irrational fear list just keeps growing.

Noa February 3, 2012 at 12:58 am

Always make sure you have at least 1 week of food if you can help it. That’ll give you time to get more.

Jen February 1, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Oddly enough, I am really not afraid of anything. After living with my ex-husband for 10 years I built up an immunity to panic and emotional larceny.

Oh, except for clowns. Clowns are fucked up.
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Stephanie February 2, 2012 at 11:27 am

Clowns? Truly fucked up. My mother-in-law gave us one that she hand-painted. It hides on our hutch behind the wine rack because I can’t get rid of it, but if I do have to see it I want some wine.

Noa February 3, 2012 at 1:00 am

@Jen: I’m very jealous. 19 years of living in holy fucked-up world gave me OCD and paranoia. Clowns however? Not at all.

@Stephanie: I hate crafted gifts sometimes for that very reason.

Petite Heretic February 1, 2012 at 3:06 pm

First, I have to agree with anyone/everyone who has the irrational fear of the house catching on fire. I’m convinced that my animals will perish in a fireball that was my house. For this reason I rejected using my crockpot for slightly more than the first year I owned it.
I have an irrational fear of choking on olives and baby carrots.
I refuse to use port-a-potties.
I have an irrational fear of large crowds…. of small birds. Small birds freak me the hell out. To wit: the lorrie landing at our zoo is IMPOSSIBLE for me. Do not hand me a honey and seed coated stick then shove me through the meat locker-looking plastic curtain thing into the HORROR of 3 million small, fast moving, brightly-colored squawking objects flitting overhead.
Similarly, I have a fear of large crowds. Not the people, their smells, sweat, sounds…. I currently live in Austin, Texas. We have festivals; practically one festival a week, sometimes more. In order to join in, I’d have to be in a human-sized hamster ball with its own air supply. Do not sweat near me, brush up against me, cough toward me, sneeze toward me, laugh or scream in my ear, ‘Texan twang’ within ear shot (you want to can’t be condensed into one word – ‘y’ontto’ isn’t a word), raise an arm in my vicinity, spread your legs within 20 feet of me or god-forbid, take off a shoe in my presence.
I have an irrational fear of food servers ‘treating’ my food. If I feel that my food was messed with, I will not eat it.
The piece-de-resistance: I can not step on a crack. The nursery rhyme scarred me for life (and my mother is dead. I quite clearly need therapy for this).
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Noa February 3, 2012 at 1:03 am

I fear large crowds because I think I’m in an action movie 100% of the time and that I won’t see my attacker coming and I’ll be taken down in Whole Foods.

But then, I’m crazy.

Petite Heretic February 3, 2012 at 9:51 am

Action movies are awesome though! You’d have a montage of you working out and getting all buff with a fixed ‘i will have your head’ expression on your face to the tune of Journey or Survivor or maybe even The Scorpions!
‘Course getting taken down in Whole Foods, you’d be treated by some aging hippie who tries to burn sage over your compound leg fracture as a manner of healing.
…I may see your point.

(have you ever heard someone say ‘y’ontta’? It’s desperately irritating. I’d take a cheese grater to a nipple if it would eradicate such a gross vernacular injustice)
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Noa March 8, 2012 at 8:58 pm

If my life were a montage, I would be afraid of nothing. NOTHING.

Jess February 1, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Getting my hair caught in the little hairdryers in hotel rooms, probably because it happened to to me when I was 10. That shit was scary. So while not wholly irrational, still a great fear that I’m sure no one else thinks about.

Any spider is a black widow to me, scary fuckers. I’m always sure, and terrified, that there is one hiding under my bed, only to come out and bite my face while I’m sleeping. Better yet, I wake up to it still on my face. My screams will be heard all the way down the block.

While walking anywhere after sunset, that some homeless-looking guy is going to attack me for no reason and keep me as his prisoner in a secret dungeon. This based on watching too many SVU episodes.

Getting some random ass disease by choosing not to hover over the toilet when I pee in a bar because I am lazy and drunk. (Note can be read as random-ass disease, or random ass-disease, both are fitting for this situation.)
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Noa February 3, 2012 at 1:04 am

SVU has also made me fear everyone ever, but a need to be saved by guys who resemble Chris Meloni. Weird side effects.

Mandi E. February 1, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Pft. I read ghost stories before bed and sleep like a baby. I fear nothing. NOTHING, I TELL YOU!

Besides, a lot of the stuff on your list has already happened to me (including the elliptical thing, and whacking my head on the toilet while I’m drying my hair, and being run down in the parking lot with a fully loaded rogue shopping cart).

It’s not as bad as you imagine it being, but the pride just never fully recovers until you manage to get a high paying book deal out of it.
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Noa February 3, 2012 at 1:05 am

I will walk into haunted house after haunted house, but don’t put me next to a moth.

I’m fucking weird.

Also, thinking about you being run down by a shopping cart will make me laugh for dayssssss.

Andi Davies February 1, 2012 at 3:42 pm

I’m afraid of getting my foot, hair, finger, drawstring, you name it trapped in an escalator. When my kids were small, this extended to getting my CHILD trapped in an escalator. I insisted on lifting them onto escalator until they were in double digits, causing more than one weird look. Eff you bitch, my kids made it to their preteens without losing any digits. Can you say that?? Well, can you?

I’m also afraid of the gaps between the building and the elevator, same reason.
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Noa February 3, 2012 at 1:06 am

These machines will revolt one day, and it will be people like you who live.

Stephanie February 1, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Dude, I totally shaved off my nipple one time. It grows back. Don’t worry. Be comforted by that little anatomical miracle.

Noa February 3, 2012 at 1:06 am

OH GOD.

Jason February 1, 2012 at 5:51 pm

“That I’ll meet Peter Forsberg and he’ll remember that time I licked a window to get his attention at an intersection”

How is that a fear? I’d want him to remember, and maybe say “hi”.

Noa February 3, 2012 at 1:06 am

I’m secretly glad he’ll always tell the story of the one time that girl licked his window.

Alicia February 1, 2012 at 6:21 pm

I’d like to give a shout out to every movie that has ruined my life. Final Destination-I believe that movie is the cause for all irrational fears. Signs- fuck you M.Night Shamwow for making my fear of alien abduction that much more real! The Fourth Kind- I don’t want to talk about it…. Jaws- I’m now afraid that the floor of my shower will drop from my feet and I will be stuck in a tank full of sharks. The Ring- the cable went out. No that little, pruned well bitch cut the cable! Every single demonic movie ever made- 3:00 A.M. Is the time of night when I sweat and try to not think of my body being taken over by an overly perverted demon.

Noa February 3, 2012 at 1:07 am

But you didn’t talk about your worst fear of all–ET?

Darcy February 1, 2012 at 6:31 pm

As I stepped of the elevator with my car keys in a vice like grip because I’m always sure that I’m going to drop them in the gap and be subsequently cut in half, I thought to myself “Darcy, are we crazy?” I now know that the answer to that is no, no I am not.

Noa February 3, 2012 at 1:08 am

Solution? Throw them all in. I do it, and I no longer fear.

Ashley February 1, 2012 at 7:04 pm

I am so afraid of dead people it’s not even funny. Dead animals are no big deal (which is good because I am in the vet business). Dead people send me into panic mode. Ask me to walk by an open casket and I’d rather do ANYTHING. I mean ANYTHING. Like saw my own arm off with a nail file kind of anything. And, for some unknown reason, this fear extends to mannequins. I walk on the opposite side of the aisle as the dressed up mannequins and will stop and wait to go out of my way to walk around them rather than walk past. On the rare occasion I do walk near one, it never fails that my brother or sister is there to say” Look!! She’s watching you/gonna get you/etc!!” Causing panic. I’m talking running several steps, shaky hands, adrenaline rush, and the occasional arm swing kind of panic. Yup. I’m the kid who runs from the plastic people who don’t really look all that much like people. Oh and no, I don’t have problems with wax museums… I know I’m crazy.

Noa February 3, 2012 at 1:08 am

I think your personal hell would be Zombieland.

Gena February 1, 2012 at 8:01 pm

You worry that your hand is going to get pulled into a mixer, THAT SHIT ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME. I was maybe 9 or 10 years old, and I forgot to unplug a hand mixer before taking the blades out. Somehow (I’m thinking poltergeist–aren’t they drawn to houses with adolescent girls in them?) it turned itself on, and my fingers got caught. I got good and pinched, but even if my fingers were cut clean off I don’t think I would have called for help, because that shit would have been embarrassing.

As for current irrational fears, I’m afraid of my landlord. I have no reason to be, he’s been nothing but nice to me, but every time someone knocks on my door I’m convinced it’s going to be him saying “It’s been nice but it’s time for you to get the fuck out now.”
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Noa February 3, 2012 at 1:09 am

Jesus. I’ll never bake again. Never.

I, too, harbor a fear that my landlords hate me.

Patricia G. February 1, 2012 at 8:51 pm

I fear that after I make my toast the crumbs in my toaster will catch fire and become a raging inferno after I leave for work.

Noa February 3, 2012 at 1:09 am

They might. It’s happened to me.

Jaclyn February 1, 2012 at 9:03 pm

I forgot about my most neurotic fear. That I’m being judged by fast food employees. Like, I’m overweight and every time I get fast food I think they are thinking “of COURSE you would get that, fatty”. And when I go through the drive-through and buy food for me and my husband, I always assume they think it’s all for me and I’m just getting a second drink as a decoy so they won’t know what a fatty I am.

Beth February 1, 2012 at 9:09 pm

I do the same thing! When I am grocery shopping I buy ice cream like a ninja. I go down that isle knowing what I am going after. Grab it and get the hell out of there before someone judges me!

Front Desk Ninja February 2, 2012 at 12:23 am

Dude, I used to work fast food retail, and let me assure you.
Those assholes don’t fucking care about how much you order for yourself or not.
At all. They notice more if you’re an asshole to them while ordering, or if you’re pleasant. If you’re pleasant, you might get those extra fries that they could have used for the next order, but crammed into your box instead.

…. yeah, I just somehow made that way too sexual. My bad.
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Noa February 3, 2012 at 1:12 am

@Jaclyn: I used to buy huge amounts of food from an italian restaurant once a month and that would be what I ate for the whole month, and I had them convinced I was throwing a party once a month. No, no, I’m poor and lazy.

@Beth: Fucking Grocery Store judgers. I’ll buy only pringles and ground beef if I want.

@FDN: Fun quote from adrian at a restaurant once to a waiter. “No, I don’t need my own to-go box. I’ll just shove my meat in her box.”

Ally February 1, 2012 at 9:29 pm

This is a true story.

One time, my wife was sitting at her desk. She leaned over to tie her shoe and sneezed. Since she has the most ridiculous, violent sneezes in the world, she ended up slamming her head on to her desk, knocking herself out. She woke up on the ground with a black eye.
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Noa February 3, 2012 at 1:12 am

Oh God. I’m so screwed now. Adrian will find me dead with my hairdryer on.

Zombie, Esq February 1, 2012 at 10:17 pm

I have this total full-on-body-shiver reaction to the thought that I’m going to drop my cell phone and it will skate through the grill in the storm sewer or slide through those portholes in the side of bridges.

My fears aside, the one about throwing trash? That totally happened to my greatgrandma. Picture a small (4’5″) firecracker of a Q-tip who would throw her trash off a three story limestone bluff ever day (it was Missouri – they do shit like that). One day, people hadn’t heard from her and they found her at the bottom of the bluff, chilling in her trash-mattress. She survived completely unharmed. Her excuse? “I just forgot to let go.”
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Noa February 3, 2012 at 1:13 am

I have laughed so hard at your great grandma’s story that I can hardly stand it. It shouldn’t be that funny, but holy shit it is.

Lilscorpiosweet February 1, 2012 at 10:59 pm

So I was reading this to my boyfriend and he said that most of his irrational fears stem from the song Rocky Mountain FUCKING High Goddammit.. He was in Denver traffic and something had dropped onto the floorboard of his vehicle .. he reached to get it and realized that song was playing.. and he became glued to the steering wheel until that song was over.. This was shortly after he had seen Final Destination. He loves that song..

My irrational fear(s) … mice are gonna eat me.. and for the love of irrational fears and the things that cause them I have nothing but a mice fear. Why is that? Someone tell me. I am not afraid of port-a-potties, I am not afraid of nicking myself in the shower with a rusty blade.. HELL I stepped on rusty nails as a kid.. had to have tetanus shot or few.. I had a sheep as a dog for a pet … he chased cars and ate dog food.. so he was the family dog for a while.

I don’t have any fears aside from the mouse one. So am I weird?
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Noa February 3, 2012 at 1:14 am

For having fewer irrational fears than I, queen of the crazy? No, no you are not weird.

Front Desk Ninja February 2, 2012 at 12:18 am

Oh fuck, irrational fears?
-That the storage room down the hall will have been broken into again and a homeless man will be sleeping on the cot in there, AGAIN. (Not entirely irrational.)
- That a bug will come and scare me at work and no one will be around to save me.
- That the ground is secretly icy and I’m going to slip and break my ankle again.
- That the lip balm I just got is actually poisonous and I’m about to die.
-My tea bag will explode in a fit of fury and I’ll end up drinking the leaves from the bag. Death.
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Jen February 2, 2012 at 12:38 am

OK, I guess I have ONE irrational fear. . .the fear that I will NEVER meet you, Jaime, Mark, and the rest of my crazy-ass mofo Canadian doppelgangers! Even if we don’t get the adoption paperwork finalized, you KNOW you are my third child, right?
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Front Desk Ninja February 3, 2012 at 12:27 am

Just say the word and I’ll make it my mission one night to create a very authentic looking adoption paper.

And dude, as if. If I get my shit in order for this summer, I’m hopping on my bike and going for a vacation in your country. I assume this will make it easier for you to stalk/visit me.

I’ll bake you cookies. Or Jaclyn and I can have a bake-off and you can be the deciding vote. No pressure.
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Noa February 3, 2012 at 1:15 am

@FDN: THE TEA BAG ONE. A lesser known but equally valid horror.

@Jen: Well played, ma’am. Well played.

Bobbie February 2, 2012 at 4:42 am

I’m afraid when I turn on the faucet to take a shower, a giant, Texas-sized roach will come crawling out of it, and then I’ll be too terrified to bathe for a week and will end up smelling like a hobo-dog. This fear is based on the event actually occuring once, followed by the stinkiest week of my entire life to date.

Petite Heretic February 2, 2012 at 9:08 am

Bobbie, that happened to me in college. We are sisters in terror. I lived in a tiny, decrepit, all-girl dorm with community shower. Four shower heads, one dividing curtain, huge-ass drain. (insert porn scene here. I’ll wait…) I was showering mid-day, alone and went to put shaving cream on the side of my leg when my hand came in contact with something plasticky feeling. It was a large, flat, water roach. I Flipped The Hell Out. Shrieking, slapping myself all over I ran out of the shower, down the hall and to my room and under my covers. If you can picture this, I still had shampoo in my hair and eyes, shaving cream and bits of soap foam everywhere, dripping wet. It was horrible. I never showered there again. My friends grew tired of me begging showers in their non-demon-roach-having bathrooms.
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Noa February 3, 2012 at 1:16 am

@Bobbie and PH: Valid. Totally Valid. Them is scary shits. Them is scary as fuck.

HSG February 2, 2012 at 4:13 pm

I’m pleased to see that irrational fears plague us all. Some of mine:

- That the drain in any random body of water will somehow conjure a way to harm me and/or spawn a fearsome creature to do me harm. I avoid bodies of water with drains, even the bathtub is iffy.

- That someone is standing outside of any window of my home at night, waiting to scare me shitless.

- That someone driving on the opposite side of the road is about to have a heart attack, seizure, black out, brain aneurysm, and fly into my lane before I can react… and won’t die right away.

- That most airplanes are safe, but the one I’m on will most definitely fall at of the sky at a moments notice, physical laws be damned… and I won’t die right away.

- That the elevator I’m on will plunge to the bottom… and I won’t die right away.

- That there will be an earthquake and the contents of the floor above me will come crashing down on top of me in my sleep… and I won’t die right away.

Clearly if there’s a mostly deadly situation, my fears center around not actually dying but rather being left to die for hours before it actually happens. Except that one with the drain, that’s just all sorts of messed up.

Noa February 3, 2012 at 1:17 am

I read an article recently on the worst elevator disasters of all time, and I promise that 9/10, they’re survivable if you slam your ass as far into the wall as you can get. Get into a corner quickly.

Carri February 2, 2012 at 8:08 pm

I inspect cereal before I eat it because WHAT IF THERE ARE WORMS IN IT? Don’t tell me it’s not possible, motherfuckers.
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Noa February 3, 2012 at 1:17 am

I’ve seen it. Keep checking!

Gretchen February 2, 2012 at 9:13 pm

I can’t run the dishwasher or dryer when I am not home because the house will catch on fire and my pets will not get out.

Someone will break into my house while I’m at work, and fuck my big screen TV, they will let the damn dogs out.

I will be putting my wedding rings on after I took them off to put on lotion but as I am walking past/across/near the vent on the floor, I will drop them and they will be lost into wherever the hell the vents lead to.

I will get pregnant one day, and give birth to a wee one, and my vajay will be ripped end to end.

I will be picking my nose while driving and then get in a car accident and impale my brain/puncture my septum.
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Noa February 3, 2012 at 1:18 am

Are you…me? All of these. All of them so hard.

It’s frightening.

alfred lives here February 2, 2012 at 11:53 pm

“I will choke on a fried mozzerella stick…” holy crap, I have actually done that. In my defence it was really effing hot, and I was talking and waving my arms to illustrate whatever boneheaded argument I was making. So I choked and gasped and dropped the damn thing. Thank heavens for the 30-second rule!

As for dropping keys, I have dropped my car keys in the car, under the car, on the garage floor, in the sewer, out the windo in the car wash….

And I am terrified of clowns. Nuff said…

Noa February 3, 2012 at 1:18 am

Out the window in the car wash?!? Please…tell.

wagthedad February 3, 2012 at 2:09 pm

I have been terrified of HIV since I first had sex. Totally. Came back from having some sex the first time, walked into my dorm, and told everybody I probably had the AIDS. After I got married, I worried for awhile that I would get it – I came into contact with a massive amount of blood, OK? that wasn’t my own – and then my wife would think I’d cheated on her and throw me out of the house and then I would be homeless AND have HIV.

I toned it down, though, when I realized that I had replaced my wife with my mother in my sexual morality plane, i.e. back when I was just losing my virginity I was worried I would get HIV and then my mom would find out I was having sex and then I got married and, well, the rest should be clear.

Which pissed me off AND freaked me out because obviously I have sex with my wife, and I don’t with my mother but anyway even if it doesn’t make sense that realization cooled down the fear.

But the person I really blame all of my fears on is my dad, because he’s afraid of everything. Well, not everything. Mainly violent crime. Which can happen everywhere. He’s a Midwestern NRA guy (I’ve got nothing against Midwesterners, nor do I care about gun control or the lack of it), and just convinced that everywhere you go you’re likely to be attacked, cornholed, forced to blow an entire soccer team, and then gutted and hung from a tree to drain like a deer.

Really. First time I went to New York (I was twenty-three): “You watch out. I know a guy who got flayed with razor wire in New York.” I went to Turkey. Before I left, he told me the entire plot to Midnight Express, only it was about some guy he supposedly knew. Then he said “you make sure those guys you’re with don’t get into any drugs.”

Then it was “Have a nice time.” Always. “Don’t go down to the south side, I knew a guy who got raped by the Klan down there. Have a nice time!”

Fuck. Recently I sold something over e-bay, and the guy wanted to come pick it up, and I spent the whole day obsessing about whether he was going to try to jump me, and how I could use my old laptop as a weapon, and then it’s some teenager with his mom in tow to pay for the thing.

The only time my dad surprised me was when I was in Vietnam when 9/11 happened. He was in the Vietnam War, and so I worried that he might be worried about me going there, but he never said anything about dying. Just “it would have been a nice place to visit if I hadn’t been there during a war,” something like that.

Anyway, when 9/11 happened, I called him, because, you know, it was fucking 9/11, and the first thing he says was: “Did you hear about that shit in New York?” and I was all “Well, I just wanted to let you know I’m OK.” “Of course you’re ok. You’re not in New York. You’re in Saigon.”

God, the irony.
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Noa February 10, 2012 at 1:25 am

This sounds like my mother-in-law. Everything is a cause for alarm except for me having children that I don’t want.

Also, I’m pretty sure you have AIDS.

Elsmama February 3, 2012 at 3:47 pm

>When I bend over to dry my hair I’m going to wang my head on the toilet and give myself brain damage.

I actually did this, or something similar, not once, but twice.

First, I somehow managed to cut my eyelid open (requiring several stitches) while aiming my butt at the toilet and sitting down. Second, I walked into the edge of a door at work, concussing myself.

So, you see, it’s not really an irrational fear you have at all.
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Noa February 10, 2012 at 1:27 am

I once drove Adrian’s car to work, and his windows don’t have a nice metal piece around them–it’s just glass. Well I reached in quickly to grab my bag and didn’t realize that the door had moved slightly back and WHAM.

I hit it so hard I cut my eye open. I laid on this trunk for 5 minutes crying it hurt so bad. I fear the toilet with my life.

Bill G. February 5, 2012 at 1:30 pm

When I take a whiz in a public restroom, I’m afraid that something is going to pop up out of the drain and grab my crank.

Your last fart fear reminds me of something I once did at work. I farted in between the double doors at the entrance to my building. Somebody walked in a few seconds behind me and I saw their reaction to smelling the fart. So I pretended to be rummaging through the incoming inter-office mail and watched other people’s reactions to smelling the fart as they were entering the building. It was funny and I was surprised at how long the fart lingered in that area between the double doors (I guess my co-workers really have a nose for shit).

I also once farted just outside the bathroom and the building manager smelled it as he walked by a few seconds later. He thought there was a plumbing problem in the bathroom and he called in a trouble ticket to the shitter-fixers in Civil Engineering.

Noa February 10, 2012 at 1:28 am

Men are different from women in that respect. If I fart, I’m outta there. I won’t stick around lest someone blame me.

Abi February 6, 2012 at 3:59 pm

This is what I like to call ‘Playing Final Destination’.
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Noa February 10, 2012 at 1:28 am

Just reading the words gives me anxiety.

Handflapper February 9, 2012 at 10:48 am

At least six of those things have actually happened to me and I didn’t even have the good sense or foresight to be afraid.
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Noa February 10, 2012 at 1:29 am

That frightens me a great deal.

Robin February 9, 2012 at 8:28 pm

Oh dear god, I do now!!!

Prior to this it would be that while getting a pedicure I’d lose my shit (b/c I’m ticklish) and kick the poor lady doing my nails right in the face and then I could never go back to that salon again.

Less concerned about the nail lady and more about being banned from a salon. Is that wrong?

Noa February 10, 2012 at 1:30 am

No. They won’t give my sister half price on pedicures because she’s an amputee so they only do one foot but charge her for two. Don’t be sad.

Melodie February 19, 2013 at 10:15 am

Okay, so this may sound ridiculous, but it is a totally legitimate fear.

Mother. Fucking. Porcelain. Dolls.

THEY WERE INTENTIONALLY MADE HOLLOW TO HOLD THE SPIRIT OF THE DECEASED CHILD. THE USED TO LITTLE GIRL’S HAIR TO MAKE THE DOLL’S HAIR, MADE THE CLTOHES OUT OF THE CLOTHES SHE WAS BURIED IN, MADE THEIR FACES IDENTICAL, AND IN SOME CASES EVEN MIXED IN THE LITTLE GIRL’S ASHES WITH THE PORCELAIN.

You will NEVER convince me that each and every one of those creepy-ass, dead-eyed fuckers is not haunted. as. SHIT. And more than likely murderous.

Melodie February 19, 2013 at 10:45 am

Also big ass stairs with huge gaps in between them and no backs. No thank you. If I absolutely HAVE to go up them, I will trip and fall between them. Because this has happened to me before. Nope, nuh-uh, never. I will make someone carry my fatass up those stairs, I swear to God.

Other than that I think I’m good. Porcelain dolls and stairs. But mostly the dolls. I will not sleep in a room with those things in them. Because as soon as the lights go out, I’m convinced they are no longer where they were before the lights went out. God help anyone who tried to fuck with me by moving them in the dark. I will and HAVE run screaming from the house. I ain’t playin that shit. FUCK that.

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