Everything Is Trying To Kill Me

02/01/2012 · 152 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This,Psychological Warfare

Sometimes my brain creates the most irrational, invasive thoughts and works against me, acting as my personal reminder for all the horrifying things that could and probably will happen to me.

  • I’m going to drop my keys and phone in the gap between the elevator and the floor and when I bend down to pick it up the elevator closes.
  • When I stand up on the back of a grocery cart, the bar is going to break and I’ll slam my chin into the handle and I’ll break my jaw.
  • I’m going to trip on the elliptical and when I lean forward inevitably to catch myself, the handle will come flying back and ram me in the face.
  • When I bend over to dry my hair I’m going to wang my head on the toilet and give myself brain damage.
  • I’ll raise my foot to flush the toilet in a public restroom, and my shoe is going to fall in right as it’s flushing and when I lean forward in horror that I’ve lost my shoe down a toilet, my phone will fall out of my jacket and also be flushed away and then I’ll be standing shoeless and phoneless in a public restroom.
  • I will fart on stage during a poignant silence.
  • My touch-activated lamp will suddenly become sentient and shock me at random intervals when I try to turn it on.
  • I will get on a plane with the first case of small pox seen in the US for years and I will get them.
  • I will be caught up in someone else’s high-speed chase and my tire will catch a badly-aimed bullet and I will die.
  • The zombie apocalypse will happen on the day right before I go to buy groceries and all I have is dry pasta and V8 Splash.
  • That my ridiculously overpowered hand mixer will mix itself right out of the bowl and pull my hand in.
  • When I say something like “I don’t like the name ______,” it will be the name of the child of person I’m speaking with.
  • I will choke on a fried mozzarella stick.
  • That I’ll meet Peter Forsberg and he’ll remember that time I licked a window to get his attention at an intersection.
  • The new movie theater we’re trying out will have velvet-like seats and I will not have a coat to lay over the seat.
  • There is a moth in my air vents in my car and will fly angrily into my face when I turn it on.
  • My contacts will stick to my eyes and when I try to get them out I scratch my cornea and blind myself.
  • When I’m drying my hair my blowdryer will suddenly backfire and become a flame thrower.
  • I’m going to paper cut myself every time I get the mail.
  • My dog will suddenly decide to leave the elevator right when the doors close and I will be unable to get back to the floor where she is.
  • I will find an unsavory creature under the ice when I go to dump out a coke in the sink.
  • I will slice off my nipple when moving from one armpit to the other.
  • My wedding ring will catch on the trash bag when I shove it down the trash chute and will fall down 34 floors.
  • That someone will steal my computer and before I can remotely wipe it they will publish the contents of my horrific music library and then everyone knows just how bad my taste really is.
  • I will fart right before someone else gets into the impossibly slow freight elevator and they will confront me about it.

It’s exhausting being afraid of damn near everything.

Do you have any irrational fears?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Pish Posh: “This makes me love you so much it hurts. My frenemy is my fridge. It’ s like “I’m sad. I don’t WANT to cool everything to the same temperature. I want to be a freezer sometimes. I feel blue. My inner door handle breaks every time you open it because I want you to see how your love hurts me.”


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