Enough

02/22/2012 · 184 comments

in I'm not funny here.

I’ve had many panic attacks these past two weeks. I can’t sleep. I can’t be funny, no matter how hard I try. I’m lashing out constantly. I’m not letting myself drink because I have an incredibly addictive personality and I’m afraid of myself. I don’t feel much but anger right now.

When you grow up fucked up, you grow up thinking, “If I can get through this, then tomorrow is another day.” Everything is a battle. Every day, every job, every hour is filled with, “just survive and everything will be better afterwards.”

Every. Fucking. Day.

Being in survival mode for so long creates a distorted reality in your mind. If something is good now, it won’t be for long. For so long I’ve felt like the end of everything I know and love is just around the corner. Living this way, you miss so much of life and love and happiness because all you can think about is surviving where you are.

And I’m so tired of it.

I’m tired of being the victim of a long-held memory. I’m tired of replaying the events in my head over and over and over again. I’m tired of hurting other people because I’m hurting so badly.

So I walked into therapy with my head held high and my heart trying to run away. I fell apart in my intake session because I’m such a fucking mess.

Every Monday morning, I argue with myself in the shower about whether or not I’m actually going to go back to therapy this week.

And every Monday morning, I go.

I fill out a questionnaire about how crazy I am every single time. I talk to the tremendibitch receptionist every time. I complete my god-awful assignments every time and work so very hard to do what’s asked of me every time because one day, it’s not going to be so hard.

I’m no longer fighting every day to survive. I’m fighting to live for the sake of living itself.

One day, I’m not going to feel like this anymore.
One day, I’ll be able to think about what happened without triggering the want to be violent.

One day, I’m going to feel like I’m enough.

I started therapy for PTSD several weeks ago, and I’m in a very bad place right now. Therapy for PTSD means reliving in every terrible detail the awful things that happened, talking about them every day, and dredging up years of memories that have been purposely suppressed. It’s terrible, but after living with this bullshit for so long, I can’t wait to feel better again.

If you are hurting, ask for help. There is no shame in saying, “I need a hand. I need someone to talk to. I hate everything and I don’t want to anymore.” Ask a friend, a parent, a husband or wife, a therapist, or a dog–it doesn’t matter. The act of asking for help is your first step towards taking back control of you.

What keeps y’all going every day? Everyone has a story, everyone has their battles, so what gets you through the days?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Nadine: “I go anywhere based upon the availability of a lazy river. Worth the admission to a water park where I don’t go on any other rides at all.”
Bex February 22, 2012 at 2:53 am

Chips. They get me through.

You are such a good bitch Noa. While you judo chop your way through whatever it is you are fighting, I will sit here quietly cheering you on from the sidelines. I am a big fan of you.

Jillian @ Brilliant Title February 22, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Like the Lays kind or the Eric Estrada kind? I’m good with either, just wondering.
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..I Have A Friend Who’s A Gypsy, And Even She Couldn’t Predict The Title Of This Post

Noa March 9, 2012 at 5:51 pm

@Bex: I must find chips. Thanks for the support, Bex. I appreciate it.

@Jillian: Put those two together.

iampisspot February 22, 2012 at 3:05 am

I get through the days, even the darkest ones, knowing that I have the strength and resilience to not let my story beat me to a pulp. Last Sunday, I had a ‘dark day’ and literally cried and cried, whilst fighting an anger inside of me that was so intense, I wanted to literally damage something, anything, to make me FEEL.

“One day, I’m going to feel like I’m enough” – amen, sister, and I think you’re already on that road, because just writing about it indicates that there’s a fire in your belly and you’re not going to let anyone, including yourself, smother it.

Keep going, Noa – you’re not alone.
iampisspot recently posted..The post in which I share my inner-musings, whinge a little and then probably decide that things aren’t as bad as I originally thought.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 5:53 pm

I appreciate knowing that I’m not alone in this. Makes me feel like not such a freak. Thank you so much.

Front Desk Ninja February 22, 2012 at 3:11 am

It’s these posts, ontop of your fucking hilarious shit, that help keep me going.

Seriously.
My nieces and nephews, books and tattoos, and writing and reading. These things keep my demons away and keep me calm when the panic and sad is so overwhelming.
You are fantastic, Noa.

We’re here for you. Always, as long as the ghosts don’t try to break my computer like they did tonight. No lie. Did my audit, came back and my computer was on the ground. It was fantastically creepy and has me suspecting gnomes as well as ghosts live here.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..An Adventure In Becoming A Grown Up, take One

Noa March 9, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Gnomes, yo. They’re the computer bastards.

I really needed to hear this. Thank you so very much.

ohjennymae February 22, 2012 at 3:29 am

damn, girl. so sorry you’re hurting.

good for you for asking for help and taking it. so many can’t do that. i’m proud of you for getting the help you want and need.
ohjennymae recently posted..10 x 2

Noa March 9, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Thanks! I’m getting there. Eventually.

Zane February 22, 2012 at 3:32 am

My own personal one is wondering: What happened to them, to make them need to do that to me?

Occasionally, the scenarios I come up with give me a perverse and sick satisfaction, other times pity for them – pity that I’m stronger than they were, despite being the ‘victim’. And a whole host of other things.
It is hard to re-live the bad things, but it’s necessary – we need to accept that they are a formative aspect on ourselves, and that if we don’t acknowledge when they happen, we may end up giving in to the cycle; because it will feel like the right response – even if we know it’s not – because you don’t remember exactly how it made you feel.

In either case, my best wishes for you; you are a total stranger to me, but I honestly hope you can work through whatever demons you have.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 5:59 pm

That’s where I’ve been for so long–avoiding it instead of just accepting that these things happened and that there’s nothing I can do about them now. I can only learn to deal.

Thanks for the support.

Meg February 22, 2012 at 4:00 am

I started suffering panic attacks as a child, when my parents were going through a divorce. I’d hide in the closet while they fought. At one point, I was hospitalized with throat issues, turns out it was Globus Hystericus. I would feel like I couldn’t breath or swallow, but was too young to know it was a panic disorder. Manic depression runs in my family. I’ve dealt with issues off and on, for all sorts of reasons. Lately, I’ve feel bad for feeling bad and that makes me feel even crazier…I have a great husband, great kids and want for nothing…so why am I so sad? Some days, my children are the only reason I can hold myself together. I love them more than anything in this world. I’m glad you’re getting help Noa. I think part of feeling better is knowing we aren’t alone. Thank you for sharing.
Meg recently posted..A Wise Old Owl

Noa March 9, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Those are the worst days. You know you should be happy, but you just can’t be. The only way out of that is through. Keep moving–as long as you’re moving, you’re going to be okay.

Same Boat February 22, 2012 at 4:10 am

Let us know how the treatments assist cause I spend everyday trying to convince myself that nihilism is bullshit too … you also might find some good healing reads for a site I occasionally write for about my abuse and PTSD lifeafterhate.org. First step – I think, is to be open about who you are and not to let anyone give you grief or unnecessary pity for it.

I like cutting bitches too but we can’t always keep our claws out forever. It wears us down. I too need to try to figure out how to fight the better fight. Plz report back.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 6:04 pm

The therapy is hard, I won’t lie. You sit and go through the most painful events you can think of, and it’s a lot of forcing yourself to bad places to feel better. I have a very supportive therapist who makes me feel like what I’m doing is a battle–one that I am winning. That alone makes it worthwhile.

The first few sessions are the hardest, which makes it tough to get through, but once you’re through them, you go, “oh, okay. I’m gonna be alright.” And then you get better. Find a good therapist, and keep yourself going. Keep moving.

Jade February 22, 2012 at 5:35 am

Thank you. Thank you so very much for writing with such raw honesty. I too have PTSD and I haven’t had more than 5 sessions over a year ago. You have shown me that I need to see someone again, because it’s building again and I need something ! Thank you, serious or funny you always make me think :)

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:26 am

Can I tell you something? Those first 5 sessions are fucking brutal. I’ve not been through anything worse than those since the trauma actually happened.

And after those 5 sessions? It gets better. You feel better.

When you’re ready, go back. It’s worth it.

Brandi February 22, 2012 at 5:57 am

I clean. And organize. And micromanage. That way I feel in control. And if *I’m* in control, I hold all the power. Or so I tell myself.
Brandi recently posted..The Primary Manifesto

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:27 am

Whatever you tell yourself is the truth, my friend.

Teresa February 22, 2012 at 6:22 am

Asking for help can be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do, but Noa, you are so worth the risk and effort. Congrats on taking the step.

I have some destructive behaviors that help me cope. Over the years I’ve begun to rely on them less, and rely on positive “conversations” with myself to get through. Slowly, I’m getting to where I want to be.
Teresa recently posted..Fat Charlie

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:30 am

I’m learning how to have positive conversations with myself. Mostly right now they consist of, “you’re an idiot,” and “what the fuck are you doing?” but I’m getting there.

Abby February 22, 2012 at 6:33 am

Good lord I can relate, as lately the last thing I feel like being is “funny” when all I do “feel” is depression and angst. There’s no rule that says we have to be, as some emotions are entirely too strong to deal with ourselves. Although I’m not currently in therapy due to every excuse you busted through up above, I’m so glad you’re talking to someone about it and getting outside of your head. I know it sucks, I know it’s painful, but I also know it’s not your fault and you deserve so much more. We all do.

Eventually it won’t be about surviving. It will be about thriving.

Oh! And I also clean. Thank you OCD, as I try and channel my obsessive thinking about the crap into organization of some sort. It’s a distraction…and a disinfectant ;)
Abby recently posted..Free For All

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:31 am

My OCD is lessening, which I take as a positive sign. Now, if I could actually get to sleep once a week, that’d be fantastic.

I hope, wherever you are in your emotions, that you get better too.

Mayor Gia February 22, 2012 at 6:38 am

What a brave post! I’m sorry you’re in a bad place right now, but on the bright side, at least you’re facing your inner demons (something I am not ready to do or share yet).
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Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:32 am

I hope you get there one day! It’s tough, but it’s going to be worth it. Thanks for your support.

Johi February 22, 2012 at 7:30 am

I love you, Noa.

I have a series of things that I turn to when things start feeling unbearable: exercise, caffeine, comedy, fresh air, a talk with a friend, a walk with the dogs….

Just know that I am here for you.
Johi recently posted..Happiness, Shame and Relief: AKA. My Weekend.

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:33 am

Love YOU, Johi. Caffeine is also a wonderful friend of mine, and I couldn’t make it a day without it. I really appreciate your friendship.

Misty February 22, 2012 at 7:55 am

Noa, my dear. I am so glad that you are getting the help that you need. And congrats on taking that step into therapy. Truly a brave and scary first step towards getting your head in the right place.

I have yet to take that step, but I know that I need to. When I had a breakdown a few weeks ago with my husband, I finally realized that therapy was my next step. I have been putting it off, and frankly scared to death of it, for years. It always felt like defeat. Like, how can I expect some stranger to “fix me” when I can’t even do it myself? I have been so resistant of it. But it is time. I have not actually pulled the trigger yet as I am actually in a better place right now, but I know that I need to and just having that switch flip in my mind is a huge step for me. It will happen soon.

Thank you for sharing this with us. Knowing there are others out there dealing with this type of shit has helped me already. Honestly, what got me through that rough patch recently was a lot of you funny and supportive blogging bitches. I love all of you and just having you in my life really helped drag me up out of the black hole I found myself in. Blogging has been sort of like therapy for me in a way and having this support system of new friends helps me realize there is something here that is worth saving. That is how I get through it at this stage in my life.

Hang in there, babe. Nothing but love and support over here. HUGS!!
Misty recently posted..Convos with the Kiddos

Jen February 22, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Amen, Misty. Blogging has been the best therapy by far! You and I (of course) have similar views on therapy and truthfully it didn’t work as well for me but you will never know until you try. Getting help for emotional problems is NOT weakness! If you had cancer, wouldn’t you get chemotherapy? It is the same in my eyes…let them help “fix you”.

Fuck…now I have that damned Coldplay song in my head…
Jen recently posted..Can You Hear Me Now?

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:35 am

@Misty: Here’s the fun part of therapy that I just learned: They just know how to ask the right questions. You get to be the one to fix you, they just lead you out of your destructive path and into a new one. I hope you get the help you deserve! Blogging brings the best together, you know?

@Jen: I got lucky and got a great therapist who won’t put up with my bullshit. Kind of like you.

Nellie Vaughn February 22, 2012 at 8:09 am

Congratulations on starting therapy. I have been there, sort of. I had very little money and no health insurance. I got a self-help book, a group of friends, and went to my local women’s shelter for help. They have crisis counselors who are willing to counsel for free. I got through it. Through my PTSD. Through my panic diosorder. I still can’t believe how far I have come.

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:36 am

For Nellie: I’m so glad you wanted to be better bad enough that you pushed yourself. A lot of people would have let that be a stumbling block. I applaud your courage. Glad to see you on the other side!

For others: Something I recently found out–university psychology clinics often offer free or vastly-reduced price therapy sessions. It’s worth a look!

CrazyBatch February 22, 2012 at 8:12 am

I’m so glad you posted this, because it definitely hits home. For me, keeping a journal, eating healthy food, and not drinking seems to be a winning combination, along with actually using the support system I have. Noa, you are absolutely hilarious, and your blog rocks.

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:37 am

Thanks, yo! I can’t give up my junk food, but I do try to eat less of it when I get sad, or else it’s just a vicious cycle. I’m glad you know how to keep yourself in check!

Tracy February 22, 2012 at 8:54 am

I’m sorry that things are such a struggle. My motto when I’m feeling particularly anxious is “it’s hard to be me,” and what’s frustrating is I realize my shit’s not that bad but sometimes I have trouble getting through it anyway. So many days I tell myself I just need to “get through it,” that “things will be better after this,” but that’s no way to live. The fact that so much is so difficult for me is something I hate about myself. But I’m working on it.

Thanks for sharing this, I appreciate the honesty. We can’t be funny all the time.
Tracy recently posted..An Ambush of Alarms

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:39 am

Someone told me something today that is helping me a lot. “Trauma is trauma, no matter how bad. You say you hurt, and I believe you.”

I appreciate your support, and I hope you know you have some in return.

Kelly February 22, 2012 at 8:58 am

Your courage and determination is inspiring, Noa. I, too, have a PTSD diagnosis, which I like to call the sleeping dragon. Some days I feel like I’m doing nothing but trying not to wake the beast, which leads to everything else being put on the backburner, which is not fair to my family. Funny about that dragon, he can hibernate for quite some time, and that’s when I need to be on my guard because when I *think* he’s hibernating, he’s really breathing down my neck. What keeps me going is the blogosphere, my kids, hubs, and dogs, and knowing that even though reliving what happened kills a part of me each time, I WON, and it’s over. Always here for you, sugar britches. <3
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Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:42 am

PTSD is a sneaky-ass bastard. You live with it long enough and you think it’s actually your personality, and then you realize, “hey, no, I don’t have to be like this. This isn’t actually me.”

I hope we both defeat the dragon. And then have some beer.

Vicki February 22, 2012 at 9:21 am

I’m a silent reader (for about the last month or two) but I think you are a fabulous woman.

I have recently started a type of counseling to face my insecurities. I was always led to believe that everything was my fault in some way, shape or form. I was always told I couldn’t. I had a crazy ex who was emotionally and verbally abusive and used my insecurities against me. I’ve kept it so hidden for the last 6 years that I had even those nearest and dearest to me fooled. And then last month, I started dating a new guy and he saw right through it all. He called me out on it. And consequently, it ended what we had. I get so angry at myself for letting it ruin a great relationship with an amazing guy. BUT, I know that whatever is meant to be will be. I have a great group of friends who are so supportive of me. I have a great group of people praying for me. For Lent, I’ve decided to give up my bitterness and complaining. I have to let the past refine me and make me better. I’ve started to learn that yes, bad things happened but I can’t let them control me anymore or it’ll ultimately kill me. I have a journal that I write in just about every night. It’s completely different from my blog. I can just write in it…whatever I’m feeling, I write. It probably doesn’t make a lot of sense but I can still just write. It really helps. I also keep random sticky notes posted everything (mirrors, doors, desk at work, all over my car) with positive and encouraging things. Just remember, YOU CAN DO THIS. I have hope that I WILL be okay soon enough. Good things are going to happen for me. Hope keeps me going.

“Everything thing is gonna be alright. Be strong. Believe.”

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:44 am

Why thank you, ma’am.

I hope you get better, too. It’s easy to get stuck in that cycle of self-loathing, and very hard to escape. I applaud you for being courageous in the face of it!

Angie Uncovered February 22, 2012 at 9:27 am

Most of the time I just go on with the next day because I can’t imagine how much more fucked up my kids would be if I checked out. WTF… I shouldn’t be writing this at work I suppose.

(Doing the bent head crying thing now to avoid fucking up my makeup)
Angie Uncovered recently posted..Writing Compelling Content

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:45 am

Oh Angie.

You’re a badass. Don’t forget it.

DevilsHeaven February 22, 2012 at 9:33 am

What keeps me going? The absolute fear of what might happen if I stop going. If I stop going ie bathing, working, being a part of normal life, I might never start again.
There are days when I just want to take a break. Pull the shades, stock up on the cheese and chips and call in on life; just for a few days. But I am terrified that I will never pull up the shades. Never put away the chips and cheese. Never be apart of life again.
Fear keeps me going, but I am tired of the fear now too.
Therapy helps. So hang in there lady. The fact that you have been able to survive this long means you have the strength to do it, therapy will help you use that strength in a better way.
DevilsHeaven recently posted..Hard Core Yo!

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:46 am

My therapist asked me that just this week. “If you’re so afraid of fucking up, why do you keep going?” I answered, “what other choice do I have?”

I’m getting there. Thanks for the support.

Monica February 22, 2012 at 9:50 am

Thank you for writing this. I don’t have any magical words of wisdom. Lots of bitches hope you’ll do whatever you need to do to feel better (the real kind of better, not the 6-pack kind of better).

I’ve been in therapy for a year, and just about every week I consider quitting. I keep going because my husband and friends and children I might have deserve a me that isn’t screwed up. I realized I needed some help when I would spend hours on the couch staring at the ceiling because I couldn’t do anything else, and because I told my husband that I hoped I died in childbirth, that way he could have a child he wants and I could stop doing this shit.

Don’t beat yourself up about your ambivalence about therapy. I’ve been doing it for a year and still can’t talk about some of the more painful stuff. I hope you have faster success with that. But it did get better. I’ve accepted I’ll never be at the baseline people start at when they haven’t been through some really painful shit, but I know firsthand that it does get better. Therapy, my friends, my husband, the family that doesn’t suck and forcing myself to plan for the future keep me going.
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Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:48 am

Even knowing that this person I’m paying is there to not judge me, I still can’t tell her some of the rough stuff either. I hope it gets better, and it’s nice to see I’m not the only one who goes but hates it.

Thank you for the support.

Sarah February 22, 2012 at 10:01 am

These types of posts– the brutally honest and the hurtfully real– that’s what keeps me going. Knowing that I’m not the only one. Knowing that there is a legion of us tough women out there who can function, even in limited capacity sometimes, and can ask for help when they know they need it.

Thank you for writing this post and sharing a deep part of yourself.
Sarah recently posted..This is me phoning it in!

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:49 am

There are very many of us who hurt. And very many of us who keep going. Keep walking with us.

Jaclyn February 22, 2012 at 10:15 am

I think just being able to say it out loud helps. If you hold all that shit it, it’s going to eat at you forever. You don’t need to perform for us. You don’ t have to always be funny. You are allowed to have these kinds of days where you just say “Ok. Can’t take this shit today” and we will tell you it’s okay. I’m glad you are talking to someone about everything you are dealing with. Because you can’t ever get rid of it, but you can’t let it destroy you either. I know you’ve talked about it before, about being abused and shit. And I think one of the biggest things about when someone abuses you as a child is the pressure to keep it a secret. You feel like it will get worse or the person you tell won’t believe you if you say something. So you get into this habit of not talking about it. And so I think not being afraid to say what happened to you is like telling your abuser to go fuck himself. Because you aren’t a weak, helpless child any more. You are a strong woman who is going to stand up for yourself and get the help you need.
Jaclyn recently posted..Open-Mouthed Relaxation

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:51 am

Thank you so much, Jaclyn. I really needed to hear this.

Jaime February 22, 2012 at 10:26 am

I’m not really sure what gets me through one day to the next …. I just know somehow I do… each morning is a battle to get out of bed, then a battle to get showered and dressed, then a battle to leave the house…

I need to go to therapy but right now my self is battling that because I know it’ll hurt to feel what I will be forced to feel.

Good on you for doing therapy… and I hope upon hope that it does get better for you.. and eventually for me.. and for all of us that are struggling… cuz if it doesn’t, then what is it all for?
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Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:56 am

It will hurt to feel what you’re forced to feel. But then you get better. I promise. When you’re ready, don’t be afraid.

Thanks for your support, and know that you have support as well.

L.A. February 22, 2012 at 10:27 am

Not to be tacky, but my son gets me through everything now.

I have had some really bad depression and anxiety in my life and was suicidal at a couple points in my life. Therapy and meds got me through that.

But since he’s been around, he’s what keeps me out of that. Remembering that he relies on me and loves me unconditionally and realizing how much I could possibly love someone keeps me from slipping back into those states.

This is so awesome, Noa, that you’re sharing this. It’s more proof that no one should ever have to hide or be embarrassed of any part of them — depression, ptsd, anxiety, panic attacks, any of that.

Nobody is alone in this.
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Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:57 am

I don’t have a kid, so I don’t know, but I believe you. I’m glad you have someone who keeps you going. Adrian is mine–he saved me from myself and he doesn’t even know.

Leauxra February 22, 2012 at 10:41 am

Nightmares and knowledge.

Probably not the healthiest. But whenever I start to give up, start to cave, I have the most amazing nightmares, and I stop sleeping.

So I don’t give up. Because nothing is worse than my nightmares.

And I know this will end. It will get better.
Leauxra recently posted..I’m a Juicer

Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:57 am

It will get better.

And I’m glad I don’t have to live in your nightmares.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd February 22, 2012 at 11:01 am

Noa, I hope you feel better soon, and I’m glad you’re getting help.

I’ve been having a tough time lately and when I get real low, I try and lower my expectations of myself. I generally get down about something, then stop being productive, then spiral down because I’m not being productive. That’s when I start from scratch: “Just do one load of laundry today.” If I can get one fucking load of laundry done, then I’ve accomplished something, and that helps me build momentum. If I can manage to change “all I did was a load of laundry” into “I got a load of laundry done,” I can get a little mental traction.

I hope you see every time you go to therapy or do your assignments as an accomplishment, a step closer to your goal, because that’s exactly what it is.
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Noa March 16, 2012 at 1:58 am

I try to remember that I’m getting there, but it’s not always easy. Some days feel like a setback, and others feel like a leap forward. As long as I’m moving, I know I’m alive.

Jillian @ Brilliant Title February 22, 2012 at 11:02 am

Brave, brave Noa. The healing will come, because no person on this earth is supposed to live immersed in that excruciating pain. Thank you, from your friends and fans, for seeking help, because for many of us, the laughter you bring us is the bright point in an otherwise dark day.

Not only do I have the thought “The sun will come up, and tomorrow will be another day” every single day, but I’m still clinging to the belief that that statement will one day have an exclamation point at the end. I can’t possibly have this much love in my life– no matter how far away it may be, how often it chooses to walk away, or how hard I may want to deny it– for there not to be a better day on the way.
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Noa March 16, 2012 at 2:00 am

Thanks for reminding me why I do this with your comment. I needed to hear it, because reading your comments usually gets me through my dark days.

Thank you so much.

lola jane reid February 22, 2012 at 11:05 am

I had breast cancer at a young age and was also suffering from PTSD. I went through the cancer alone, and whilst I got out on the other end, the shitstorm that was my life started to appear more obvious, the events pinging against my psyche like hundreds of tiny fucking fire-pebbles.

What happened startled even me. It seemed to happen out of context like something that should have taken place years and years ago. Sometimes now I walk around thinking: What if they knew? (I did the same thing when I lost my virginity, I walked around wondering if my aspect had changed, perhaps my cheeks revealing this new experience in a rosier glow.) I wondered if people could see that I once wanted only to be dead.

I wish I had sought help earlier, or more urgently. I wish I had known or even understood the symptoms. I waited for the random fears and panic to go away, telling myself that I was just a bit overworked, sick and tired, waking day after day convinced that soon everything would be alright again. In that state of passive ignorance, I had NO idea of the demons waiting for me and that, once they got a hold of me, wouldn’t let go without a catastrophic struggle.

Then I had a complete nervous breakdown. I lost my balance and fell flat on my face, and not in a graceful free-fall, more of a violent and humiliating crash to the ground and I couldn’t get up.

I got help. I started talking, and with the risk of sounding dramatic – I think it saved my life. I also got a dog, and that dog is the best decision I have ever made. She depends on me, and reminds me that I am alright, safe in my own skin.

Now…well, flip! My life is hilarious!

Noa March 16, 2012 at 2:01 am

Dogs save the world, I’m convinced. Their cute and tiny little faces make me smile and she makes my day every day.

I’m glad you got help, and I’m glad I’m getting some too. Thank you for your support.

Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) February 22, 2012 at 11:19 am

You is kind, you is smart, you is important.

You also is not alone.

So many of us have the same demons, maybe with different names or different styles of attack, but I think we’re all joined in the same sisterhood of “What doesn’t kill you makes you funnier.”

Hold tight, mama…
Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes) recently posted..Yahoo! thinks I’m a dude

Front Desk Ninja February 22, 2012 at 10:57 pm

Quoting The Help is a win in my book, always.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..An Adventure In Becoming A Grown Up, take One

Noa March 16, 2012 at 2:02 am

@Danielle: I really need to read that book. Also, “What doesn’t kill you makes you funnier,” is my new mantra.

Christie February 22, 2012 at 11:24 am

And life itself is SO worth the fight. I see therapy as a kind of emotional surgery: They have to open a wound and let it bleed, and that part of it hurts like hell. But then they replace the internal fucked-upedness with positivity and a sense of stability, patch you back up, and help you heal. Eventually, the wound stops bleeding. Eventually, the scar begins to fade. Eventually, it no longer hurts to be awake any more.

Just remember: If you are strong enough to have come this far bearing such a heavy burden, then you are strong enough to do whatever it takes to let that burden go.
Christie recently posted..An Open Letter to Hold Music

Noa March 16, 2012 at 2:02 am

That’s a fantastic analogy for therapy. The scar remains, but the pain will fade away.

I feel a lot better about it now. thank you very much.

Teala February 22, 2012 at 11:31 am

Oh, Noa! I’m so sorry your’re having such a hard time. I really am. I very much hope that you find a good place and heal. You’re doing what you need to do to take care of yourself, and that is an amazing first step. I’m so very proud of you for doing it and for talking about it.

I work with Aunt Becky (from Mommy Wants Vodka) over on Band Back Together. If you haven’t already, you might check it out and perhaps share your story. Before working with the group, I found myself beginning to heal and feel a sense of belonging just by reading, posting and commenting. It’s worth a shot.

The Band helps get me through my day. Little steps and deep breaths get me through my day. And when I think I can’t get through the day, I let myself go for 10 minutes and then reel myself back in.

Please, please keep it up, and let me know if you need absolutely anything. I’m here, and I care. <3
Teala recently posted..He finally remembers our anniversary.

Noa March 16, 2012 at 2:03 am

I need to check that out then, because hearing other stories makes me feel not so alone, and I have a big tendency to want to hide away.

L-Kat February 22, 2012 at 11:45 am

Thank you for sharing this with us. It’s so important for people to realize that these issues do exist and there is help out there and asking for help doesn’t make you any less of a person. My little brother gets me through the darkest days. When I hit my rock bottom, I remember how concerned he was. I remind myself of how much he loves me. That gets me through. And meds help, too. Good luck tackling your struggles – I’m cheering for you.
L-Kat recently posted..L-Kat US Weekly: Volume 1: Issue 2

Noa March 16, 2012 at 2:04 am

My sister often gets me through my rough days. She can make me laugh when nothing else in the world can.

Thank you for your support–I needed that.

Cara February 22, 2012 at 11:52 am

Way to go! Starting therapy is so incredibly hard. The only reason I ever went was because a very awesome friend refused to leave my office until I had made an appointment. What? It’s not normal to spend all day crying and shake uncontrollably when you get an assignment at work? It helped more than I can explain.

You are awesome, and you will get through this. I am so proud of you for not only going to therapy, but also for sharing that here. I’m rooting for you.

Noa March 16, 2012 at 2:05 am

Thank you, Cara. I’m glad you got the help you needed, and it makes me feel better knowing others have gone through tough times, too!

miakoda February 22, 2012 at 12:24 pm

One: I have a Book of Beautiful Things in my nightstand. It’s just a little spiral notebook; a litany of notes on things that (on better days) make me feel happy or safe or alive. They don’t mean jack shit to anyone but me, but I pull out that stupid notebook whenever I realize I’m heading too far down the path of spiraling badness, and make myself read the list and add at least one new thing. It doesn’t magically make the flood of hurt go away, but it does drag me back up for a breath of air. It’s hard to get any kind of perspective when you’re drowning.

Two: I’m lucky enough that I live near the country, so I can turn up the music and go for a drive. Change the scenery and sing along until you can’t sing anymore. It doesn’t matter if you’re terrible. Angry music for angry days; melodramatic emo indie love songs for melancholy days (or whatever). There’s something very cathartic about it, honest. I always feel at least marginally less murdery afterward.
miakoda recently posted..Happy Horny Werewolf Day!

Noa March 16, 2012 at 2:06 am

I love going for a good drive. It’s good for the soul. My drive of choice is a huge highway in dallas very late at night when no one is on it. It’s so peaceful.

Thank you for your comment. I appreciate it.

Beth February 22, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Noa, you are allowed to not be funny all the time; I appreciate your honesty. I lived like that for years. I probably lived more in fear with my agoraphobia then I haven’t…so it has been fairly new living fear free these days. Your blog has helped and inspired me to write about my story ;)

I know you must be feeling like you are pushing a busted, broken down car up a gravel road right now, but when you get to the top of the hill the view is beautiful! Do the bullshit therapy excercises (they were the only thing that really helped me get it all out). I can tell you it gets better, but just stick with it and get through these difficult days.
Beth recently posted..Beauty Fucking Hurts!

Noa March 16, 2012 at 2:06 am

I hate these exercises, and I hate them more because they fucking work. Every time.

Thank you for your support, Beth. I’m glad you got the help you needed, too.

Darcy February 22, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Prozac and making myself make others laugh gets me through. Thank you for this post, it makes my soul happy that I’m not the only person who fights to get through a day. :)
Darcy recently posted..Coming soon

Noa March 16, 2012 at 2:07 am

Thank you, Darcy!

Jen February 22, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Why does it seem in life that the biggest assholes always think they’re ‘enough’ and all the good people struggle with it so much? Is it because they lack the power of self-reflection or is it because all the good people are so busy taking all the crap the assholes put out into the universe that none of it ever comes flying back to stick to them?
I too have the same struggle with therapy, argue for days with myself over whether I’ll go back, hope like heck I get the ‘nice’ receptionist, try to make it 5 minutes, then 10, then 15 into a session without breaking down. Usually come out feeling like I’ve gained something, some insight, some positive step forward. Usually. Only thing that keeps me going back regularly is my son, he needs a sane-ish mom and I have to try to give it to him.
I want to say something positive like ‘take care of yourself’ Noa, but that always makes me kind of retch a little, so I’ll just say ‘best wishes’ and hope you know I mean it deeply and not in the insipid Hallmark way it sounds.

Noa March 16, 2012 at 2:08 am

I try to keep Adrian in mind when I don’t want to go, because he deserves a wife who isn’t fucking nuts. Each tiny step forward does make me feel better, you’re absolutely right. Thank you for your support, I hope you keep getting the help you need as well.

Jen February 22, 2012 at 12:58 pm

I too suffer from PTSD from a rape that happened in college, and ten years being married to a man who was both physically and emotionally abusive. For years I tried to “self-medicate” with alcohol and bulimia before finally getting the help I so sorely needed. Today I rely on AA, an amazing circle of friends, and blogging to chase away the crazy. I recently started a derivation on The Bloggess’ Red Dress Project, where I take a dress from my closet that has horrible memories attached to it, tie it around my neck like a cape, and challenge myself each week to go out and face a particular memory or insecurity. Thank God the sight of a grown woman in a cape draws very little attention here in Portland. I know you can get through this; you just have to walk through the fire — there is no way around it. At the risk of sounding like a dipshit PSA, it DOES get better. xoxo :)
Jen recently posted..Can You Hear Me Now?

Noa March 28, 2012 at 7:40 pm

I would really love to see you with a prom dress tied around your neck and leaping around Portland. That alone helps me get through the days.

asplenia February 22, 2012 at 1:09 pm

I’m with Sarah — posts like yours that are honest and heartfelt and that don’t run from pain — these make me feel less alone and so keep me going. Thank you, for opening up online. I love all of you — the funny and the hurt and I read this and teared up. Just wanted to send you a hug through the internet. <3
asplenia recently posted..Hooonestyyy (sorry, I cannot SEE that word without channeling Billy Joel)

Noa March 28, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Thank you for the hug. I really appreciate it–it’s not easy to throw yourself out there sometimes, but comments like this make it better.

Angela February 22, 2012 at 1:25 pm

People like you, and Jen and Jenny and Allie who have the courage to write about all the shitty shit and pain and depression and panic and punch that shit right in the bean bag with humor are what get me through. My defense for all the negative shit in my life and the lives of the people I care about will always be laughter. Some days it’s not enough, and some days I’m pretty sure people think I’m fucking insane because I’m laughing at a funeral or cracking jokes about my dad’s stroke but it’s how I handle shit I can’t handle.

Yeah, it’s dark humor and it’s fucked up. Yesterday at the hospital, my mom and I spent 30 minutes discussing the best methods to asphyxiate oneself, which led to auto-erotic asphyxiation jokes, which led to us laughing so hard the nurse had to come check on us.

When her nosy neighbor came over to ask about my dad’s condition, I ran interference for my mom (who hates that nosy bitch). When she wouldn’t back down and kept asking again and again what was going on despite my mom’s insistence that everything was fine, I told Nosy to go put her goddamned teeth in so I could knock ‘em out for her if she messed with my mother one more time. My mom and I are still laughing about that shit today.

And when I got home last night and was finally alone, I cried and shook and fell apart once no one else could see me. And instead of buying a pack of smokes or eating myself into a stupor, I got on the internet and I read y’all instead.

Noa March 28, 2012 at 7:45 pm

I honestly don’t even know what to say here, because you’re a badass motherfucker who answers to no one, and it makes me proud that you comment here.

Alicia February 22, 2012 at 1:51 pm

…(I’m giving you the friendship stare I gave you in class)… I needed to hear this and I think many other women needed to hear this. I woke up with anxiety and some of the worst dreams I’ve had in awhile this morning, but then I got to read this and all the comments. Know that I’m always here for you if you need me…Even though I can be about as helpful as a turd sometimes. You’re the funniest bitch I know and one of the strongest women I’ve ever met.

Noa March 28, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Friendship stares forever.

You’re rad as a motherfucker and I’m really really really glad I know you. Especially since you taught me the weird-face game.

red February 22, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Honestly, I’ve started thinking “in blog”. As things are happening – good, bad, whatever, as soon as I don’t have to concentrate on the moment, I think about how it will sound if I ever write it in my blog.

I’ve been to the brink before, and my parents were instrumental in pulling me back. Not PTSD, so I can’t truly empathize, but there are times when I feel like an recovering addict taking it “one day at a time”. (btw, that line makes me think of the movie “28 Days” when Sandra Bullock retorts, “what, like, 2 or 3 at a time is an option?”)

People say “you’re not alone” but I say that’s only a useful statement after you’ve made it through. Until then, your personal troubles are very much your own. Good for you for seeking the help you need. That is truly a difficult step to take.

Owl February 24, 2012 at 11:34 am

Red, I wish you would start a blog, a blog about resilience, what helps, how to keep going when things are rough. I work with young people who have mental health problems and quite often they are on sites sharing tales of harming themselves, starving themselves, side effects, and parents and professionals who get it wrong or don’t understand. While on the one hand, talking with people who are also struggling offers community, at some point that can become a breeding ground for hopelessness. And of course, they believe them rather than those of us who have seen people keep going, getting better, bouncing forward. My starting such a blog would seem inauthentic to them, but someone like you can be an inspiration to others and yourself.

Noa March 28, 2012 at 7:51 pm

@Red: I’m glad someone was there to help reel you back in. Adrian’s that person for me. He helped save me from myself, because he can’t even think about a dog getting injured, much less having to deal with me going off the deep end.

@Owl: I couldn’t agree more.

Jenny February 22, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Thank you so much for your courage, honest, and bravery in sharing this post. I’m a counselor (soon to be licensed!) and it absolutely blows me away at the power behind a person’s story…every.single.time. It takes so much courage to step out and admit that this problem in your life is over-powering. And fuck people who think that counseling is all rainbows and butterflies….it’s hard. Real hard. And things don’t always get better immediately; it takes time. And I am so glad that you see the value in the process, knowing that just because things suck today doesn’t mean that the dawn won’t come tomorrow. There is so much strength in who you are because of what you’ve been through…now let that strength put you back in the driver’s seat!

The things in life that keep me going are moments like this. Moments when I read something or hear a client’s story for the first time and think, “Wow. I don’t know how they got to today, but I sure as hell am going to do my best to help them get to tomorrow.” It’s my life’s passion, what can I say?
Jenny recently posted..And so it begins….

Noa March 28, 2012 at 7:55 pm

I’m grateful there are people like you in the world to help out people like me.

Jana February 22, 2012 at 2:36 pm

I think that getting out of the shower every Monday and still going to therapy even though you don’t want to is a very brave. You might not want to face your fears, but you still manage every Monday to do just that. No matter what shit others give you or the doubts that plague your brain – you are brave and someday it might suck less.

My sane moments are my family, I know that no matter what those little girls squeal when I walk through the front door and my husband pouts if I don’t kiss him right away. They are the ones that keep me sane and grounded.
Jana recently posted..Genie, you bitch, give me what I want!

Noa March 28, 2012 at 7:59 pm

My dog helps me for now–she has to be touching me in some way all day long or she’s not okay. First week was totally annoying, and now I can’t even stand to put her in her kennel.

ColinP February 22, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Noa,

I am glad that you have the strength to seek the help that you need and to have the strength to keep going because it will get better.
ColinP recently posted..The hand up your ass might be a clue…

Noa March 28, 2012 at 8:01 pm

Thank you very very much.

Dana the Biped February 22, 2012 at 4:05 pm

You mean besides going online and reading my favorite funny bitches? No joke. Between you, the Bloggess, and all the other awesome people I’ve come across online, I feel much less ashamed and afraid of my own issues.

Other than that, though, I cuddle my dog and watch Doctor Who. Who can dwell on their own shit in the face of David Tennant?
Dana the Biped recently posted..I Am Not Dead. Yet.

Noa March 28, 2012 at 8:03 pm

I second the dog, but replace the Who with Star Trek. Oh Beverly, you make me smile with your ridiculous part.

Meg February 22, 2012 at 4:15 pm

I have me to live for now.

Three, four, five years ago, I was constantly anxious, depressed, and I had a hard time loving myself. In the last three years, I’ve started working out, running, lifting. My various trainers have helped me so much, and my current trainer is by far the best. I make myself better when I work hard to make him proud–it all starts to come back around I realize I’m not doing it for him, but for ME.

I don’t know of that makes any sense…but it’s what has helped me. I wish you all the best, Noa. I love your blog–funny days and non-funny days.
Meg recently posted..Monday Music: Ben Folds

Noa March 28, 2012 at 8:06 pm

I’m glad you found your way, Meg, and thank you very much for this.

Sedge | noob-dad February 22, 2012 at 4:22 pm

What gets me through the day?

Tequila.
Sedge | noob-dad recently posted..I’m a New parent: No TV, Fast Food, or Tantrums for MY Baby.

Jana February 24, 2012 at 3:57 pm

I can never just “SAY” that word, I have to do the Peewee Herman dance too!
Jana recently posted..Genie, you bitch, give me what I want!

Noa March 28, 2012 at 8:13 pm

@Sedge: I love you.

@Jana: Now it’s in my head.

Grace February 22, 2012 at 5:17 pm

You, my dear sister, you get me through each and every day. And I hope in at least a small way the same is true for you.

Noa March 28, 2012 at 8:18 pm

You bet your sweet as it is.

A vapid blonde February 22, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Booze and drugs.

Just kidding.

Who am I kidding?

Booze and drugs it is.
A vapid blonde recently posted..Me and My Middle Bully. Kind of Like The Song “Me and My Shadow”. Kind of.

Noa March 28, 2012 at 8:20 pm

Booze and drugs are the fucking best.

Lex February 22, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Saying that my kids help get me through shit is horrifyingly cliché, but I suppose that it’s true: They sort of need me and depend on me, so that provides a nice chunk of motivation.

Enough about me, though! It takes a lot to go and get the help you need to deal with things that you really don’t want to think about , ever. It also takes a lot to say it and to write it, and to not be ashamed, so, seriously? Rock on!
Lex recently posted..Random Tuesday Thoughts #58: Swiper, no swiping!

Noa March 28, 2012 at 8:46 pm

I’m glad you have people who can help you get through. That’s what matters more.

Pish Posh February 22, 2012 at 6:45 pm

I’m glad you wrote this and glad you keep trying.

I’m going to print this out and give it to someone I love.

Let other people make you laugh. That helps me. Then I have a beer.

Then I let myself do something crazy, something that gets my whole body going – like playing, wrestling, running, crashing, just being silly.
Pish Posh recently posted..My Grandmother’s Garden

Noa March 28, 2012 at 8:50 pm

I dance. I dance for everything. ANd I will keep doing so.

Merrelyn February 22, 2012 at 7:34 pm

I went through PTSD and came out the other side.. thanks in the most part for an amazing therapist who made everything inside my head click into place and made me view the world ‘normally’ again. I went from being afraid to go do grocery shopping, and having hyperventilating breakdowns when I was at the supermarket checkout, to being able to live my life normally.

The session that was the breakthrough was this. She started by drawing on a whiteboard. She wrote down how I felt. Scared of being out in public. Why? Because I don’t trust people anymore. Then made me think about the underlying assumptions I had which were creating the “outward” feelings. That I can’t trust people. That I’ll be attacked again if I go out in public. She broke it down for me until we got to the root thought, the root cause that everything else was layered on top of. And for me, it was “I’m never going to enjoy my life again” or to paraphrase “I’m never going to able to have a fulfilling life”. And once I was staring those words literally in the face, I realised it was ridiculous. I have people who love me, a job I’m very good at, my youth (kinda..), reasonable health, and a lot to look forward to. When I applied rationale against that underlying belief, it just kinda wisped away.

I truly hope you can have your breakthrough moment because I know what it’s like fighting just to do the things you ‘should’ be able to do, like walk through a crowd without flinching or screaming inside your head.

If you were in Brisbane, Australia, I’d take you to my therapist myself. She’s just that damn good. Best of luck x

Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:12 pm

I’m working through those right now, and it’s funny how well they help. You see the worksheets and think, “well, this is dumb,” and then you do them and realize, “oh shit, it’s helping me have a healthy thought process. I like this shit.” Glad you got the help you needed too!

Jenbug February 22, 2012 at 8:16 pm

You are so brave! I wish I had half your guts. I’m terrified of therapy because I don’t want to relive any of the bad stuff. I’m so glad that you are doing what you need to do to feel whole again. And know, that no matter what happens, there are a lot of people out here in the intertubes who think you are so much more than “enough”. Thank you for sharing your struggle and giving some of us hope and inspiration.
Jenbug recently posted..I AM the common denominator.

Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Thank you, Jenbug. I really appreciate your support.

Eleanor February 22, 2012 at 8:33 pm

PTSD is a bitch and a horrible domineering mistress. She likes to kick you in the nuts when you’re down and turn everything around you to shit. I’m glad you keep talking yourself back to therapy. If that is what it takes, do it every fucking time. You are worth it, and that bitch deserves to be put back in her place.
Eleanor recently posted..If THIS can get published…..

Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Thank you so much for your support. It means the world to me.

Lilscorpiosweet February 22, 2012 at 9:15 pm

I go on knowing someone wants me, needs me and supports me.

I go to work and the people there see me laughing and carrying on saying the fucked up things they long to say and that helps. But every night I go home I get to crawl into the welcome arms of my boyfriend who is very supportive of me and madly in love with me. There are days I cry because I feel like a horrible person and mother and there isn’t anything that makes me feel otherwise. The boyfriend tells me its going to be ok and maybe right now that is all I need.

I am hoping that maybe things will be better and as human nature dictates we always want more because we are a greedy species, all I want is happiness. The rest can fall by the wayside. Money would be nice but again its something to work towards.

Here’s to therapy and hoping it works for you.
Lilscorpiosweet recently posted..Laura-isms

Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Here’s to you and finding the happiness you deserve!

Andi Davies February 22, 2012 at 10:04 pm

How do I go on? I go on because other people rely on me. Whether you know it or not, a lot of people here rely on you — for a laugh, a thought-provoking post, or a cathartic experience like this one. I check this blog every day because that connection is important to me.

Some days, the only thing that has kept me going is the knowledge that people need me. If I die, nobody will pick up Oldest from music practice or remember to sign Middlest up for football. Even if I didn’t have kids, one of my cats uses me as an emotional anchor and freaks out when I’m away for a few days. Everybody is connected; everybody is important.

I’ve done quite a bit of therapy, and it has helped (medication has not done me one whit of good) but it took three different courses of therapy. I got different things from all of them, although I will say that the guy who did the efficient, business-like model of cognitive behavioral therapy was probably the worst. I don’t have PTSD, just general anxiety issues which lead to depression (due almost entirely to the immobilizing effects of anxiety), so YMMV but don’t be afraid to change therapists if it’s not working for you. It’s like any medical treatment; sometimes you have to change doctors or try an alternative path.
Andi Davies recently posted..The Taming of the Challis

Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:19 pm

I got lucky and got a really amazing therapist right away, who decided to try the behavioral therapy on me first. So far, it’s going well, but I owe that mostly to her–she strays from the sheets when necessary to keep me on track. I love her so.

Gena February 22, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Writing, writing, then writing some more. If that doesn’t work, then looking up 80s commercials on YouTube. If Jason Alexander’s McDLT commercial doesn’t give you a reason to keep fighting, then nothing will.
Gena recently posted..I told a story to some strangers & didn’t shit my pants

Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:21 pm

Game show bloopers does it for me. No idea why, but I love them.

Robyn February 22, 2012 at 10:09 pm

My first son was born very early, 25 weeks into my pregnancy, to be exact. A 50% chance of survival, and that didn’t include if there was anything that happened after birth or what he contracted while in the NICU. Also, he had a high chance of being special needs in some form or another. His NICU journey was long and hard..kinda like riding a whore before you knew she has an STD. Anyhow, I have stated a few times to close friends that I think I suffer from PTSD. The smell of hospital grade soap gives me a panic attack, it is just one of the many things that sets me off.

All the hospital pictures are put neatly into a photo album with love..and disgust at the same time. They haunt me and I swear I hear them calling me to come look at them..knowing that if I do, I’m just in for lots of tears, a melt down, with a resulting panic attack. I avoid them.

I don’t know what gets me through my days. Maybe it’s denial, maybe it’s that my son is going on 7 years old and he’s happy and heatlhy with not a thing wrong with him so what the fuck do I have to feel bad for?? Or maybe it’s my family telling me to “get over it already” and now I’ve locked up tighter than an asshole on colonoscopy day…

I hope you find answers and peace soon..

Monica February 23, 2012 at 8:58 am

When people tell you to get over it, that kind of comment is about them, not about you. Your pain makes them uncomfortable, and it would be much easier for them if you would just “get over it.” What that really means is, “stop bothering me with your stuff.”

I hope the trauma from that time of your life recedes eventually, but don’t let your family force you to pretend everything is OK if it’s not.
Monica recently posted..Don’t ignore someone’s news to tell them about your boobies. It’s rude.

kim February 23, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Dear Robyn’s family: We never get over “it.” “It” is as much of our story as anything else in our lives. Gawwwwwd. I hate when people say, “get over it.”

Robyn February 23, 2012 at 10:00 pm

“It” is constantly there. How can I not see “it” when I look at my son? I try not to see “it” hiding behind his laughs and all the junk he does to tick me off at times..

I’ve been told numerous times to “get over it” and I never ever say that to anyone now, no matter what!

Robyn February 23, 2012 at 9:58 pm

I know :o) and I know what a special brand of stupid my mom’s side of the family is as well. Not one of them, even my mom..the grandmother, visited my son during his whole 97 day stay in the NICU.

I know also, however, that my dad’s side of the family was great and did visit and did care, so that made it a little more easier to bear.

It’s all about caring, which is what this world lacks when you just aren’t “normal” and follow the pack.

Thanks for you comment, I appreciate it! :o)

Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:24 pm

@Robyn: I’ll find peace in time, but I certainly hope that you find yours very very soon. I hope you find the help you need, because PTSD is fucking horrible, and you live it day in and day out without any escape. Don’t be afraid to seek help. It gets better.

Heather Rose February 23, 2012 at 9:02 am

Sometimes I just curl up in a ball and make my fiance pet me like a cat until I can breathe again. And sometimes I just scream and yell and throw shit. My neighbors probably prefer option A.

I’m reasonably sure I speak for all of us when I say we love you and we’re all here to listen and emphathize and even read the non-funny stuff while you find the happiness you deserve. <3
Heather Rose recently posted..Masturbation is murder, too

Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:25 pm

I’m glad you have coping mechanisms that sound so much more fun than the “I shouldn’t even be here” that I have. Thank you for your support.

Kelly D. February 23, 2012 at 10:13 am

I’ve been following your blog for a while now and your humor has definitely gotten me through some of the tougher days. I never commented but I wanted to today to support you with creepy internet hugs. lol It takes a lot of balls to put something like that out there and if you got the balls to do that you certainly have the balls to beat this and get to a much, much better place. Keep fighting Noa!

Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Thank you, Kelly. I really appreciate your kind words, and your reading!

Charity Woosley February 23, 2012 at 10:43 am

Keep talkin’ and keep blogging. Keep fighting. You can do it– you HAVE to do it. For you, for your family, for your friends.

Life is worth it. And so are you.
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Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:27 pm

Thank you so much. This was a very powerful comment.

Britt February 23, 2012 at 11:57 am

I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through such a tough time right now.
As a distant admirer and blog friend, I’d also like to say that I’m proud of you for facing your problems head on and working to get through this.

Stay strong and your loyal followers are always here for any extra support you need.

P.S. Chocolate covered almonds. They’re like a hug from God. In your mouth.
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Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:28 pm

I appreciate this so much. And I must go find some chocolate almonds now.

kim February 23, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Well fuck…yeah, whatever it was that happened, I was a victim at the time, but victim is a transient state. Somehow I came to see that, whatever it was that happened, it wasn’t my fault. There’s nothing I could have done to stop it, or change it, or make it go away.

Then I had to make my world really small, decide who and what works, clean up what I can, and accept that some of it was going to be messy and mangled forever. Mom had to go, she’s evil and she always will be. Man-child ex-husband had to go, thanks for the sperm, get a fucking job. Shitty friends. The boyfriend that was “working on” his divorce. The job that was killing me. My anger. My ideas about how things are supposed to be.

Then I realized I had created this safe little bubble and was looking out at the world. So, I had to stop being afraid. And even though being alone seems like the safest bet, I have to admit it…I want people near me.

So, I’m going to crank up the tunes and work on my next short story …

And for you …. the optimist/pessimist story: There’s a big pile of shit on a path in the woods. Humongous. Smelly. Blocking the way. The pessimist walks up, pukes a little into the back of her throat, complains about the stench and retreats, beats it the hell out of there, whining all the way. The optimist? She looks at the shit, walks around the pile, takes note of the smell, the color, the immense size of the pile. And she finds a shovel. And starts digging. All the while thinking, “For all this shit, there has to be a pony in here somewhere.”

I’m the most cynical, crazy bitch you’re gonna meet…but I really believe in that pony.

Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:30 pm

I’ve never wanted a pony more in my entire life. Thank you so much.

miakoda February 23, 2012 at 2:39 pm

I’m the most cynical, crazy bitch you’re gonna meet…but I really believe in that pony.

@Kim: Cynical, crazy, and still optimistic — I think we could all use more friends like you.

I also like the description of “victim” as a transient state. It’s hard to remember that, sometimes.
miakoda recently posted..Happy Horny Werewolf Day!

Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:31 pm

I agree. So much so.

Colleen February 23, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Oh Noa! You are a fabulous, hysterical, wonderful woman! I absolutely love reading you blog, not only when I’m drunk either.:) I know how hard it can be, because when a person falls into the self destructive hatefullness it is so hard to climb out. There are more people that suffer from the exact same feelings you have, I think it’s what helps us to be funny bitches! I do mean that in a good way! You are definitely not alone and keep working on it!

YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:32 pm

Thank you, Colleen. I really appreciate your encouragement.

G13 February 23, 2012 at 3:18 pm

I too relate to what you are going through. I grew up in an abusive household where my strategy was to make myself as invisible as possible and ended a marriage 1.5 years ago to an emotinal and mentally abusive husband who couldn’t see past his own narcisistic point of view. I’ve come a long way since the divorce but often I still hear his voice in my head telling me I’m worthless. And some days every task seems insurmountable and I remind myself of the saying “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” And some days I am so fracking tired of eating elephant. I tried acouple of therapists until I found a good fit and when I feel the darkness closing in I have been blessed with some great friends who know me well that I feel safe enough to talk to and who are willing to listen. Sometimes I feel very angry too. (Like yesterday even). It helps me to acknowledge what I am angry about and that my anger is valid. That feeling anger is really okay and that what is most important is what I choose to do with my anger. It is important to me that I use my powers for good and not evil (destruction). Good luck girl. I know these feelings can eat at your soul, but they don’t define who you are, or the core of your being. <3

Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:34 pm

“I know these feelings can eat at your soul, but they don’t define who you are, or the core of your being.”

Even though many years has trained me to think this isn’t true, through therapy I now know how right you are. Thank you so much.

Consciously Sedated February 23, 2012 at 6:45 pm

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way, but you’re not alone. Life can be a huge struggle sometimes, and it can just downright suck.

I admire you for seeking therapy. I think it is incredibly brave of you, and it shows you are being proactive, where a lot of us are too damned scared and end up suffering silently, alone.

Healing thoughts to you!
Consciously Sedated recently posted..Best Friends

Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:34 pm

Thank you for your kind words–I really appreciate them.

Dan Perez February 23, 2012 at 9:25 pm

No one who can write how you write and can express themselves the way you do will ever stay down for long. Just know that most people are stupid and cling to the ones in your life who are not.
That’s how I roll.
Sending a hug…
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Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Thanks, Dan. I really appreciate your kind words. They make me tear up a little.

Myth February 23, 2012 at 11:22 pm

See, Noa, I TOLD you that you were FUCKING BADASS. You have real initiative in wanting to get better, and you’d be surprised how DIFFICULT that is to gain. It’s so easy to get stuck thinking you’re never going to get better, convincing yourself it’s okay to hide from your problems because confronting them head-on would be terrifying. Getting the motivation to do that, to go to therapy and allow those horrible memories to overwhelm you—it’s hard, and some days you might come close to quitting. But I KNOW you ARE going to get better. You are going to go to therapy and kick PTSD where it hurts, in its laughably tiny dick. We’re all cheering for you. Hell, I actually got up from my desk and did a victory dance in your honor, because God DAMN, it’s such a relief knowing you’ve taken this big step towards recovery. We all love you so much, and more than anything we want your pain to go away. REALLY go away, instead of getting swept under the rug. You’re actively working towards that now, and it makes me happy and even hopeful. Happy that you’re going to get better, and hopeful that maybe, just maybe, someday I will get better too, when I’m finally able to find that same strength you have.

In the meantime, we can be crazy TOGETHER. Solidarity!

(Side note: I don’t have PTSD, so I don’t know what it’s like to walk into a session and grab THAT metaphorical bull by the horns. But I do suffer from very severe agoraphobia, and I can really empathize. Keep up the good work, Noa. We believe in you.)

Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Thank you, Myth. Your eternal optimism and foul mouth make me smile all the time. I appreciate it.

Allie | Ramblings of a WAHM February 23, 2012 at 11:46 pm

Chocolate.

And the hope that the weekend will bring wine and/or friends.

Oh, and I guess my kids and husband too.

I’m new here but I do wish you wellness. :-)
~Allie
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Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Thank you for the comment and the suggestions. I appreciate it.

Tatum February 24, 2012 at 3:54 pm

I’m pretty sure it is less important for you to bring the funny, and more important for you to keep bringing your wonderful self!

Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Thank you! I needed to hear that.

Ashley February 25, 2012 at 9:58 am

You took the words right out of my mouth. It sounded like you explaining the exact way I feel and the exanct experience I have had. I am up to my ears in self-help books and devotional books. I am going to be happy. You are going to be happy. I know how it feels to always wait for the bottom to fall out, the emotional abuse, and the frustration, pain, and anger. I also hurt people due to painful past experiences, which have also caused automated emotional reactions of rage I can’t seem to control. You are never alone. I have a blog also, and I know it’s hard to be funny or have the energy to post when you survive moment by moment. Hang in there! We are all behind. I will keep you in my thoughts. Please keep me in yours.
Ash

Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:38 pm

Good luck to you, my friend, in finding the happiness we both look for so desperately.

Fearless Fibro Warrior February 25, 2012 at 10:56 am

What do I do? I find other crazy sumbitches like myself so I don’t feel alone. Then, I air my dirty laundry on my blog.

Chocolate helps, too–but I’m trying to kick the sugar habit. Having about as much luck as a toothless street hooker has in making it through a trip to The Sizzler. But still, I try.

And I’m in good company-you are one funny bitch-why is it pain gives us so much material?
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Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:39 pm

I’ve learned that pickles affect me the way chocolate affects some. And now I’m full of pickles but less angry.

Terra February 25, 2012 at 4:22 pm

“When you grow up fucked up, you grow up thinking, “If I can get through this, then tomorrow is another day.” Everything is a battle. Every day, every job, every hour is filled with, “just survive and everything will be better afterwards.”

Every. Fucking. Day.

Being in survival mode for so long creates a distorted reality in your mind. If something is good now, it won’t be for long. For so long I’ve felt like the end of everything I know and love is just around the corner. Living this way, you miss so much of life and love and happiness because all you can think about is surviving where you are.”

This part especially rings really really true to me, and on one hand I’m relieved that I’m not the only one, and on the other it freaks me out that someone else gets it. I don’t know if that makes sense, but jesus. I’m shaken.

Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:40 pm

As long as you learn, one day, that you don’t have to live like this, then we’re all okay.

Chiconky February 25, 2012 at 4:44 pm

It’s so so cliche, but really, it sucks and then it sucks worse, and then it doesn’t suck so bad. I recommend a stash of brain-scrubbers. Stupid youtube videos, mindless magazines, chocolate, pinterest boards of pretty outfits, peopleofwalmart.com You’d be amazed how much they help.
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Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:42 pm

I found that watching Pinterest drama go down makes everything better.

Thundercat77 February 25, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Wow, I haven’t checked your blog out in a while, ’cause, well I’ve been going through some shit of my own and have been living (and sadly somedays looking) like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. I hate that you have been having such a rough time honey. I can tell you that I know that I have become the person I am not because of the happy moments in my life but in how I’ve dealt with the really bad times. I know it sounds cliche but you know what true funny is because you have known what true pain is, and through your funny you bring happiness to others. Therefore, it empowers you…..or some Oprah shit like that. Ok, I just realized I suck as a therapist. All I can say is that YOU are amazing. YOU are a strong bitch, and YOU make me laugh. I hope you find the peace you need soon. But If you ever feel like you needed some one to say something stupid to you to make you feel better, im ya girl.

BTW….I worked your word “twatwaffle” into casual conversation a few days ago without missing a beat! *long distance high-five* Get to mark that one off the bucket list!

Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:43 pm

1. I hope you get through your shit!
2. So proud for using twatwaffle, yo.

Kat February 26, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Just read this and like many others wanted to say you are not alone. I’ve been in therapy for PTSD many times, medicated, taken leaves of absence from work and stopped watching most TV and movies because of the flashback triggers. I ended up leaving a career I loved after 20 years because I could no longer handle the recurring nightmares.

Sometimes the nightmares comeback and I lay awake at night unable to sleep because I can’t stop the scenes replaying in my head. Thankfully those nights are few and infrequent. I know what my triggers are and how to avoid them, and if unavoidable to make sure that someone I can rely on is there to help me during and after to talk it through.

It is very hard and it never really goes away but time and therapy do help. You will get through this, you are not weak or a coward. Not only did you go through a traumatic experience, you survived it and you are strong enough to face the nightmare again to heal yourself.

You are a survivor.

It will get better.

Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:44 pm

Thank you so much for your kind words. I needed to hear this.

sars! February 27, 2012 at 12:27 pm

You are allowed to be human; cry, be angry, be sad, wonder, say ‘what the fuck’ about your life and just not be funny. You are perfect in your imperfection. Giving the world a key to your diary is hard, sometimes harder than the average commenter knows. Even still, there is always a benefit from release.

Continue to seek the help that you need. You are loved and supported….
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Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:44 pm

I forget sometimes that my readers don’t expect me to be a dancing monkey. THank you for reminding me.

elizabeth- flourishinprogress February 28, 2012 at 12:44 pm

One of the nicest things I ever read…somewhere, I don’t remember where…said

“I hope goodness finds you and sadness forgets you.”

I don’t want to give you a platitude, because when people give them to me and I’m not in the right mood, I just want to shank a bitch, but this one sentence has kept me going and going and going, especially when I don’t feel like even getting out of bed.

You are extremely brave for going to therapy. I should be going and I just…dropped out. I’m a therapy drop out.
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Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:45 pm

You’re a badass, though. That’s awesome, too.

Thanks, Elizabeth. I like knowing there are people in the world who’ve been in Hell too, and have come out on the other side.

Bleeping Amazing February 28, 2012 at 5:03 pm

I have SO been there. I remember feeling so WEIRD about pouring my heart out to a complete stranger and I remember feeling like I would never make it through. Therapy wasn’t for me. EMDR wasn’t for me. Talking about it only made it hurt more. I think the worst part was realizing that I suffered through a lot of shit that I didn’t need to, mostly because I bought into what people around me were saying.

That was 14 years ago. After MANY years of therapy and with the support of good people in my life (now), I was able to get through it and to say a big “fuck you” to the people responsible for making my life a living hell.

You got this. Dig deep. I suspect you already are.

Cheers,
*Bleep*

Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:46 pm

It’s been rough, just dumping out my soul to a stranger, but I learned a fun trick where she doesn’t care where I look when I tell her my stories. I get to tell the wall first, and then I have to tell her.

It’s so stupid, but it helps me every time.

I am so glad you’re through. You give me hope.

Josh February 28, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Gotta write this before I lose my nerve. I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of months; I’ve even gotten my girlfriend hooked on it, you usually leave us braying like donkeys and gasping for breath. Then, I find words here of such raw, painful honesty and the strangest feeling comes over me; I feel caught, exposed. The words above… I’ve been living those first three paragraphs since I was at least 15 years old, and you went and wrote them on a website.

That was a shock, but maybe just the jolt I’ve been needing after weeks adrift in my own head. My perspective has shifted; I can see myself going through this like I’m standing in a corner of the room, but now I can look around and see -and finally believe- I’m really not alone.

Therapy and meds are still out of my price range, but there is something I can do until that changes. I want to write again. I want to write about what I’m going through and how I got here, just to figure it all out and hopefully put it to rest. Maybe then I can start really living.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thanks for being honest, and brave enough to share this. It means a lot.

Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:47 pm

1. Thanks for reading. I hope you keep reading.

2. You’re never alone in how you feel. It’s gonna be okay. You’re gonna make it through, even if you don’t know it yet.

Cinrose22 March 1, 2012 at 4:46 pm

It’s like you are in my head…what, wait, are you? Is that the pain I feel? Did you put a in chip to read my thoughts? I just wrote a very similar post on my blog. I just stummbled onto your blog and I already feel a connection.
I have the same feeling that when things are starting to look up, suddenly I get kicked in the stomach, HARD. January 2011, things were starting to look up and wham I get a phone call that my mom had suddenly passed. So I get through that and figure okay, that’s the worst that can happen for the year right? Wrong. Then in March, my beloved schnauzer gets sick and has a stroke and dies. Okay I say, I grieve, pull up my big girl panties and say that is it right? Oh boy, wrong again. I then get so sick in April I think I’m dying. My husband pours me into the car and takes me to the hospital and it turns out I have H1N1. I was sick for almost 2 weeks. I just get so fucking tired of it all. Sometimes I just want to quit, give up, but I have kids and they keep me going. But every damn time things look good, something bad happens. It’s been that way since I can remember. So when I start to relax and things feel right, I can’t enjoy it because I’m waiting for the next bad thing. I’ve been through PTSD therapy too (to deal with a trauma of when I was a little girl) and it helped and I learned some great coping skills, but it hasn’t helped with me feeling like I’m doomed to be miserable my whole life. I’m 54 and I’d just like some good times without fear and shit before I die. Is that asking too much?

Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:48 pm

Nope. Keep going, keep working towards that happiness, and you will find it.

Cinrose22 March 2, 2012 at 11:38 am

And it happened again! My husband has been laid off for 2 years. We had our taxes done and we were going to get some money back. Maybe we’d splurge and split a $5 footlong and go see a movie…and then again maybe not. Here’s what happened yesterday…
#1. Yesterday the motor for the automatic window on the driver’s side in my vehicle breaks, I need that for drive up window access at the coffee stand people, this is an emergency, must fix STAT! Replacement cost $200
#2 While cooking dinner last night, a river proceeds to wind it’s way from under the sink across the floor. Blown gasquet in garbage disposal! Replacement cost $300.
#3 Bomb dropped on me at work, my favorite principal of all time is leaving! Fuckety fuck fuck fuck! It’s awful to go through changes like this at a high school, you never know who you are going to get, their style etc. I work closely with the principal, so it sucks big shlong!
And there you go! Life looking better, and bam, hammer in the balls…I’m just sayin.

Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:49 pm

It’s gonna get worse before it gets better. I hope you find happiness and stability very soon, my friend.

CoreyFerns March 11, 2012 at 6:29 am

Long time reader first time responding.

Christ, can’t believe I did the radio thing.

This was some cosmic coincidence to find this article today of all days, I’m highly considering taking your advice on this considering i’ve been fighting for five years, sometimes even waking up is a pain in the ass. Just so I don’t have to face whatever misery my mind has taken the time to concoct.

Major props and lots of support on this Noa, yeah I’m not good with the words for this but thanks for y’know..sharing.

I do hope you keep bringing the funny though when you’ve beaten this thing, cause there’s still beilebers, sparkling vampires and good God..Evangelists… out there.
CoreyFerns recently posted..Sunday, 8th November 2009

Noa March 28, 2012 at 10:50 pm

Hey, I love it, because you KEPT COMMENTING AND IT MAKES MY SOUL SMILE.

Don’t worry. I’m always happy–it’s just that sometimes I forget.

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