QUICK: Think of the worst tragedy where hundreds died and many more suffered that you should never be able to buy merchandise for.
Was it slavery? The Indonesian Tsunami? High Fashion?
If you guessed The Titanic, then you are correct. The fact that it shouldn’t exist doesn’t mean shit though. It does exist, and in the most inappropriate and horrifying ways usually aimed at children.
T is For Titanic!
T is for Titanic
H is for Horrified
C is for Corpse
F is for Frozen to Death
L is for Lackluster Lifeboating
I is for Iceberg
M is for Massacre
What a fucking delightful story to teach your children the building blocks of language by. Next in the series is a beginner’s grammar guide using Pompeii and Punctuation using Famine! MAGICAL.
The Titanic Beach Towel
I can see the slogan on this now, “Don’t be caught dead without a cozy beach towel to keep the ocean’s chill at bay!”
Are you fucking with me here? Creating items for people to use near the ocean to commemorate a tragedy that occurred IN THE FUCKING OCEAN should create a problem for your quality control guys. “Hey do you think this Titanic Life Preserver is too much?” “Nah. Make sure to sell ‘em a beach towel, too!”
Titanic: The Biggest Pop-Up!
What in the Holy Rollerblading Christ is this shit?
Want to horrify your children for years to come? Give them a pop-up book filled with images of hubris and needless death. That’ll really make ‘em smile! If I wanted to see tragedy in shitty 3-D, I’d pay someone to slap me in the face with Avatar.
The Plush Survivor Bear
This fantastic photoshop job is thanks to them, and conveys a horror belying it’s fuzzy exterior. See that bow-tie he’s wearing? You know why he’s a survivor bear?
Because he’s a rich bear. There aren’t any third-class survivor bears. THAT’S LIFE.
The Wooden Titanic Kit
Well this photo simply can’t be right. This is a whole and perfect ship model, and THAT’S NOT HOW IT WENT DOWN.
If you wanted to create a wooden model of the Titanic, then you should just empty the box out into your bathtub filled with Barbies and ice cubes while Celine plays in the background and you’ve had a little too much wine.
A literal game of life and death.
There’s no jail, you just die horribly. There’s no free parking, you just die horribly. There’s no luxury tax because all the rich people lived. You can’t put a hotel on it because you just die horribly instead.
There’s no Anne Frank-Opoly or Trail Of Tears-Opoly, so WHY DOES THIS EXIST?
Spaniel Salt and Pepper Shakers
Other than the description, “Happy 3rd Birthday Molly & Carter,” these are offered for sale on the same site with absolutely no explanation as to why they are there or how they relate. Also it looks like they’re humping on the box. WHY ARE THEY HERE?
A Possum’s Night on the Titanic
Hey kids! Gather round and let Ol’ Grandpa tell you a story about a curious possum in a jaunty cap who gets on a boat with his family headed for a new land of promise but dies horribly instead in a cold and unforgiving ocean at the hands of proud rich folk! Spoiler alert: THE POSSUM’S NIGHT ENDS BADLY.
A few issues with this. 1: Why a possum? 2: Why name him Opie? 3: IT’S THE MOTHERFUCKING TITANIC.
In all this, I’m honestly surprised that they did not offer an action figure of the Iceberg that doomed the Titanic, because I would pay shiploads for that. (See what I did there?)
To all the would-be souvenir makers out there, here’s a thought: if we consider it a tragedy of human life, there should be no silly children’s books or toys based on it.
You wouldn’t make a Cult Suicide chess set, you shouldn’t make a Titanic stuffed fucking BEAR.
I once seriously considered purchasing a broken Abraham Lincoln nutcracker at Mt. Rushmore because it looked like he’d had a stroke and StrokeLincoln is the BestLincoln.
Have you ever seen/bought any ludicrous souvenirs?– Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From L-Kat: “Nascar Noa has died of snakebite.”