QUICK: Think of the worst tragedy where hundreds died and many more suffered that you should never be able to buy merchandise for.
Was it slavery? The Indonesian Tsunami? High Fashion?
If you guessed The Titanic, then you are correct. The fact that it shouldn’t exist doesn’t mean shit though. It does exist, and in the most inappropriate and horrifying ways usually aimed at children.
T is For Titanic!
A children’s alphabet to highlight the injustices and pride of man in a beautifully illustrated heirloom book.
T is for Titanic
H is for Horrified
C is for Corpse
F is for Frozen to Death
L is for Lackluster Lifeboating
I is for Iceberg
M is for Massacre
What a fucking delightful story to teach your children the building blocks of language by. Next in the series is a beginner’s grammar guide using Pompeii and Punctuation using Famine! MAGICAL.
The Titanic Beach Towel
I can see the slogan on this now, “Don’t be caught dead without a cozy beach towel to keep the ocean’s chill at bay!”
Are you fucking with me here? Creating items for people to use near the ocean to commemorate a tragedy that occurred IN THE FUCKING OCEAN should create a problem for your quality control guys. “Hey do you think this Titanic Life Preserver is too much?” “Nah. Make sure to sell ‘em a beach towel, too!”
Titanic: The Biggest Pop-Up!
What in the Holy Rollerblading Christ is this shit?
Want to horrify your children for years to come? Give them a pop-up book filled with images of hubris and needless death. That’ll really make ‘em smile! If I wanted to see tragedy in shitty 3-D, I’d pay someone to slap me in the face with Avatar.
The Plush Survivor Bear
This fantastic photoshop job is thanks to them, and conveys a horror belying it’s fuzzy exterior. See that bow-tie he’s wearing? You know why he’s a survivor bear?
Because he’s a rich bear. There aren’t any third-class survivor bears. THAT’S LIFE.
The Wooden Titanic Kit
Well this photo simply can’t be right. This is a whole and perfect ship model, and THAT’S NOT HOW IT WENT DOWN.
If you wanted to create a wooden model of the Titanic, then you should just empty the box out into your bathtub filled with Barbies and ice cubes while Celine plays in the background and you’ve had a little too much wine.
Titanic-Opoly
A literal game of life and death.
There’s no jail, you just die horribly. There’s no free parking, you just die horribly. There’s no luxury tax because all the rich people lived. You can’t put a hotel on it because you just die horribly instead.
There’s no Anne Frank-Opoly or Trail Of Tears-Opoly, so WHY DOES THIS EXIST?
Spaniel Salt and Pepper Shakers
Other than the description, “Happy 3rd Birthday Molly & Carter,” these are offered for sale on the same site with absolutely no explanation as to why they are there or how they relate. Also it looks like they’re humping on the box. WHY ARE THEY HERE?
A Possum’s Night on the Titanic
Hey kids! Gather round and let Ol’ Grandpa tell you a story about a curious possum in a jaunty cap who gets on a boat with his family headed for a new land of promise but dies horribly instead in a cold and unforgiving ocean at the hands of proud rich folk! Spoiler alert: THE POSSUM’S NIGHT ENDS BADLY.
A few issues with this. 1: Why a possum? 2: Why name him Opie? 3: IT’S THE MOTHERFUCKING TITANIC.
In all this, I’m honestly surprised that they did not offer an action figure of the Iceberg that doomed the Titanic, because I would pay shiploads for that. (See what I did there?)
To all the would-be souvenir makers out there, here’s a thought: if we consider it a tragedy of human life, there should be no silly children’s books or toys based on it.
You wouldn’t make a Cult Suicide chess set, you shouldn’t make a Titanic stuffed fucking BEAR.
–
I once seriously considered purchasing a broken Abraham Lincoln nutcracker at Mt. Rushmore because it looked like he’d had a stroke and StrokeLincoln is the BestLincoln.
Have you ever seen/bought any ludicrous souvenirs?
– Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From L-Kat: “Nascar Noa has died of snakebite.”
{ 96 comments… read them below or add one }
I’ve actually sold one of those pop-up Titanic books.
Not gonna lie, they were fucking cool.
People get away with selling shit about Titanic because (I might be wrong, but I will swear I’m right) the last surviving passenger from the ship died years ago. It’s horrible, yeah, but people have sold worse.
Did you know there are sites for serial killer memorabilia? No shit. You can buy drawings of killers hands (who strangled their victims) and hair from the killer.
It’s RIDICULOUS.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..I Got An Award, Noa Replied To A Tweet AND I WON AN AWARD. How’s Your Tuesday?
Um. EW.
Johi recently posted..And Now I Turn to You Wonderful People.
I know, right?!?!?
I knew there were some sites and shit, but apparently it’s a big enough issue that Anderson Cooper did an entire episode on his talk show about it.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..I Got An Award, Noa Replied To A Tweet AND I WON AN AWARD. How’s Your Tuesday?
So, just to clarify: it’s WRONG that I want a John Wayne Gacy clown painting?
Jen recently posted..OMG, Free Beef!
The fact you want anything to do with clowns makes me nervous.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..I Got An Award, Noa Replied To A Tweet AND I WON AN AWARD. How’s Your Tuesday?
I’m with ninja on this…. clowns are wrong.. WRONG WRONG WRONG.
Did the clown die on the Titanic? If not, I think it’s fine.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..I Can’t Ever Find Anything in Here
@FDN: I would like the artwork of minor criminals hanging in my house. The hand turkeys of white collar criminals, for instance.
@Johi: Agreed.
@Jen: I kind of want one, too.
@Jamie: I’m not afraid of clowns, weirdly. I am afraid of butterflies, so there you go.
@Carrie: I think at least one clown probably died there.
ADMIT THAT SHIT, BITCH!!!
Jen recently posted..The Autism Myths
I WANT IT. SO BAD.
I saw a t-shirt once that said “I had lunch at Donner’s Pass.”
That may be the coolest t-shirt I’ve ever heard of!!! I MUST have one.
Jayne recently posted..Be Your Guest? Why, Don’t Mind If I Do!
I kinda have to laugh at that one, it was long ago so it’s ok, right?
Allie | Ramblings of a WAHM recently posted..Blogging Success: Failure Is Success
@Annie: Annnnndd I want one.
@Jayne and Allie: I’m with y’all on this one. And it makes me a hypocrite.
Hmmm…i have not. I wonder if those salt and pepper shaker dogs were ON the titanic too? “In case it wasn’t tragic enough, don’t forget about the drowning puppies…”
Mayor Gia recently posted..Boob Pain…it’s an issue.
I just made myself cry thinking about the sad puppies.
You fucking pussies. Fuck the puppies.
Jen recently posted..The Autism Myths
The word puppies is one of the only things that makes me cry. I can’t do it.
IDEA: can we please do a series of children’s books featuring Opie? (Also, I assume he is named Opie for Opie the Opossum…they just missed that alliteration follow through.) We could put him in the Ethiopian Famine, the Salem Witch Trials, The Spanish Inquisition, the Ante-bellum South. Shit, we could even stay in this century and waterboard that little fucker. “Play dead now, Opie!” WE ARE GONNA BE SOOOOO RICH!
I would totally buy that entire series of children’s books. “Welcome to real life, kiddos! It’s a bitch.”
Sarah recently posted..How to be Parent of the Year
I would give my left tit to see Opie in a Gitmo detainee camp.
I desperately need to see Opie the Opossum photobomb the rerelease of Titanic.
@Grace: And then you found out he wrote all of them. ALL OF THEM.
@Sarah: Good news! They’re available!
@Jen: They don’t have that one yet. I’m on it.
@Norway: Brilliant!!!
I’m fairly certain Opie is an OPOSSUM (get it right, fuckers) to make him more lovable. Because no one loves rats the size of footballs that were actually on the ship. Even though opossums are full of rabies and shit, stick a hat on him and era-accurate clothing, and he’s a cuddly little scamp? I don’t fucking think so. Now, if Opie was a honey badger, I’d buy that book in bulk.
Yeah, opossums are angry, hissing a-holes. Let’s humanize one and make him loveable and misunderstood! Great idea, then when Little Johnny see ones crossing the road, he can run into traffic to give it a hug.
@Kelly: If Opie were a honey badger, the Titanic would not have sunk.
@Johi: I hope they do the same thing with a king cobra.
Also? Do opossums swim? If not, that’s just wrong. That poor disease-ridden rodent was doomed from the start. Authors of children’s books are sadistic motherfuckers.
Kelly recently posted..She should have stabbed me. It would have hurt less.
They play dead. To be fair, that’s a pretty good defense against, you know, the ocean.
I see what you did there . . . and you should be ashamed, Noa!
I agree that they can do this shit because even the survivors are dead. Try this shit with 9/11 and see what fucking happens. Shit would go down.
Although, this just supports my decision never to get on a fucking boat. The hubs has been trying to take me “sailing” for years. And by sailing, he obviously means “nobody will ever find your body” so . . . yeah, I’ll pass, thanks.
Misty recently posted..Ghosts of Birthdays Past
I am ashamed. Deeply so.
I think cruising is the worst vacation idea ever. You won’t miss anything.
God, this is so tacky. Everyone knows you use books about DISEASE to teach kids the alphabet!
Caitlyn’s favorites are the ones about the Black Plague and Ebola…. B is for Blood spewing orifices, D is for Disease carrying rodents, M is for Mass graves.
It’s all VERY educational.
She has to learn early. Good for you for making sure she knows her tragedy.
Hey, totally off the subject but I will soon be selling a line of products related to the next enormously destructive natural disaster that occurs and claims thousands of lives. Watch for it! I’ll be the one selling t-shirts out of my pick-up truck.
Please swing by Dallas. I will buy everything you’re selling.
I blame Celine Dion for making dying on the Titanic sound so romantic.
Ally recently posted..I am Never Ever Making Mindy a Pie Ever Again.
Celine Dion can be blamed for so much…..
@Ally: It’s always romantic to give up on another human being after you tell him you won’t. Always.
@Jasmine: Bieber, for instance.
There’s an entire tourist industry built around the Salem Witch Trials. “Oooooh, it’s spooky here! Come see! (Thank God we killed those innocent people)” I think it’s awful but I really want to go some time.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted..The American Doctor Who
Do you tour the place where they crushed a man to death? Because that sounds like my kind of vacation.
My microbiology professor friend just posted this:
http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/ebfe/?cpg=fbl_ebfe
That’s a bioterrorism board game, y’all. Science fun for the whole family!
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..My Feet And My Soul Hurt Just Thinking About The Cruelty
Hip Hip Hooray! Bloody anal discharge!
I am waiting to see what other 1906 Great Fire/Earthquake memorabilia we will come up with out here. It’s not enough that every year (until last year, I think) we parade the 100 year old plus old people out to John’s Restaurant to see them tell the tale of what the fire was like when they were ummm…let’s see 6 months old?? The best piece of memorabilia that I saw was a book of matches commemorating the Great Fire/Earthquake, which I found quite ironic.
I am glad that we have the disaster kid’s books to teach those ankle biters about history, maybe, if we had those at our age it would have prevented the most incredibly stupid statement ever to come out of my friend’s mouth. As we stood in line for the movie Titanic, I was actually yelled at by my girlfriend for telling her what happened at the end of the movie and how could I ruin this for her. Yes, my friends, that pop-up book just might have saved her life.
That’s like my mom who refuses to see the movie, even though I told her how good it is, because “I already know what happens.” Face, meet palm.
Misty recently posted..Ghosts of Birthdays Past
@Jana: Someone once got mad about being told the spoilers to Titanic. That someone was related to me. That someone got slapped. Slapped, I say.
@Misty: To be fair, I feel that way about all Robin Hood movies.
I personally find it horrific that there are web sites from which to purchase Serial Killer Memorabilia.
How’s about a nice clown painting ala John Wayne Gacy hanging in baby’s room? That’s appropriate, right?
Or a Manson Family t-shirt that says “I survived Helter-Skelter.”
Living the dream… rock on, America!!
Please tell me the Manson shirt isn’t real. Please.
I believe a Titanic-themed ice cube tray would be exquisite.
Jen recently posted..OMG, Free Beef!
Sweet Baby Jesus, why has no one created such a thing?
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..My Feet And My Soul Hurt Just Thinking About The Cruelty
http://www.toxel.com/tech/2009/03/24/20-unusual-and-creative-ice-cube-trays/
They have.
Google is a fucking beautiful thing.
And now I must have one.
Jen recently posted..OMG, Free Beef!
Did you see the denture shaped ones? Perfect.
Jillian @ Brilliant Title recently posted..Who Needs Real Friends When You Have Random Strangers?
I have shot glass ice molds.
Know what they’re best used for? Not shots. Because that shit melts so fast in your hands that it’s stupid.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Leap Years Fuck With My Life
I took an ice shot once, and they all have invisible holes, so you’re not drunk, sticky, and cold as a mofo. Not a great idea.
@Jen: YES. YES YES YES.
@Jillian and FDN: This is why I love you guys.
Edinburgh: the Royal Mile. An upscale pub. I go to pee and am unsurprised to see a little vending machine, like that usually sells tampons and lipgloss and stuff.
I *am* surprised to see it is selling vibrators and inflatable sheep.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Girl Scout Cookies of DOOM!
Shut UP! SHUT UP! that is completely fully of awesome sauce.
Jana recently posted..I am IM’POTENT…..or at least in my own mind
@Dana: I don’t know how many times I’ve been in a pub and thought, “I really need an inflatable sheep.” Lucky bastard.
@Jana: Indeed.
There are two ways to win Titanic-Opoly. One is to buy the shit out of a lifeboat and just sit there until everyone else is dead. The other, better option is to take out an anachronistically large life insurance policy on everyone else, buy a house in Southampton, and never, ever get on an enormous death boat. Because S is for Southampton. And Survival.
Is there no Carpathian option?
I wonder if this were a hundred years ago people would be considering you un-american for joking about the Titanic. Really. Like, say, you were to know this dad…and he..um…used to build towers out of wooden blocks with his kid, and when his kid knocked them down, he would screech “Oh, no! 9-11!” –theoretically, like–you would probably be pissed, off, right?
So have a little goddamn respect for the heroes who died in the Titanic, Noa.
That is all.
I don’t tell you often enough that I love your twisted style.
Mandi E. recently posted..Random facts about me…now where’s my medal?
@Wag: I know. Fuck me, right? I’m an asshole.
@Mandi: I relish his comments. RELISH I say.
Two years after 9/11, my high school choir took a trip to NYC. A visit to Ground Zero got added because of the recent events. While we were at Ground Zero, our conductor asked if we wanted to sing the national anthem, to honor the people that had died. We started to sing. We were stopped by a policeman shortly after we sang about the flag that we were proudly hailing.
As we left, we were harassed by people selling photo books they had made of the planes crashing into the towers. The cops didn’t even bother trying to stop those guys.
We got assaulted by those guys too. Just…so classy.
I was all set to blame the Titanic movie for the commemorative shit, but then I realized…nobody sold shackles after Amistad came out. There was no Amistad-opoly. No little black stuffed dolls chained in the hold of a plastic ship. No children’s books telling the story from the cuddly ship’s rat’s point of view. You realize why, don’t you? RACISM.
I think Amistad branded shackles would bring about the end of time.
Still beats Holocaust memorabilia.
Could you imagine a mainstream book, “Gettin’ that concentration camp look with the all new Holocaust Diet!”
Where there’s a buck to be made, there’s 20 people waiting.
I just thought of an Auschwitz shower caddy, but it was wrong. . .so very, very wrong.
Jen recently posted..OMG, Free Beef!
@Sedge: That was 1) hilarious and 2) fucking horrifying.
@Jen: Holy shit, Jen.
A fleece blanket of a deer jumping over a semi truck. I was staying in the fancy suite at a fancy hotel, and the housekeeper spread it out on my bed every morning. I motherfrickin love that blanket.
I’m so jealous. I must own it.
None of this disturbs me more than seeing Titanic advertised as a “new movie” simply b/c it is being released in 3-D. Seriously? Did they put in an alternate ending? One where Rose decides that she could share driftwood instead of hogging it. Or maybe instead of throwing a valuable jewel into the Atlantic, she sells it and donates the proceeds to charity. Nope. She’ll still be a selfish bitch.
This is my favorite.
Handflapper recently posted..Huh. You’d think “Bundy” would be in my WordPress dictionary, what with Ted Bundy being so famous/infamous and all.
@HeathRobots: The alternate ending is Aliens. It’s much better.
@Handflapper: It’s pretty goddamn funny.
Well, if Eric Clapton can write a Grammy winning song about his four-year-old falling out of 53 story window, why not Titanicopoly?
I’m taking a risk sharing this here–don’t any of you bitches steal my idea!–but I’m developing a Snooki baby paternity test game, because that ho having a child is the real tragedy.
Handflapper recently posted..Huh. You’d think “Bundy” would be in my WordPress dictionary, what with Ted Bundy being so famous/infamous and all.
It’ll be the orangest little person ever!
Dude. At first I thought you were kidding. No. This is fucking real. I know many people subscribe to the “nothing is sacred.” However, really? I guess there are worse things, but day-um.
Teala recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: DKM Army
I suppose there are worse things, but shiiiiiiiit.
The bf & I had friends over last night and literally discussed serial killers and their memorabilia. I was out numbered in not wanting to have any but we were all fascinated by it.
But Jen, really, clowns are fuckin creepy anyway… I will have daymares at work now.
Clowns aren’t that weird. Clowns with knife teeth are.
Maybe I’m comparing apples to condoms here, but a lot of tragedy merchandising is right on par with going to the house where Anne Frank hid out and buying a vial of Mt. Vesuvius ash in the gift shop on the way out.
Mandi E. recently posted..Random facts about me…now where’s my medal?
Mt. Vesuvius ash AKA someone’s body?
You know they’re coming out with the movie Titanic, in 3-D? Maybe that’s why all of this random Titanic-crap. Pre-marketing.
Red recently posted..The Secret’s Out – And the Plot Thickens
I don’t want to spoil the ending for you, but it sinks.
Sedge | noob-dad recently posted..Classical Music Turns Stupid Babies Smart
DAMN IT!! I figured that, since they’d finally be able to tell whether the iceberg was in the foreground or the background, maybe they wouldn’t hit it this time.
@Red: Fuck pre-marketing. It’s the same goddamn thing.
@Sedge: But this time, in your face!
@Jake: Nope. Turns out it was the Loch Ness monster.
At least Pompeii has erect phallus art. Kids love that.
My nephew was obsessed with the Titanic movie and watched it over and over. He was only about 7 at the time. So when he asked my Mom what Jack and Rose were doing in the car, Mom said “hiding.” Uh, sort of. So awkward.
Tracy recently posted..Spinal Tap 11 Meme
Hiding in a sweaty car! Like mommy and daddy do!
Well you know, they ARE rereleasing Titanic soon in theatres. In 3D. Now you can see the whole debacle again. In 3D!
To quote some of the shittier people I know… “I’m gonna go see that, because Leo DiCaprio’s face will be closer to mine in 3D!”
Also, death. Death is closer in 3D.
OMG! I want to comment on every single one of these other comments. You guys are so right.
WTF? Do people really buy these tragic memorabilia?
I’ll stick with my spoon from Yellowstone, my beach blanket from San Diego and my mug from the Statue of Liberty.
~Allie
Allie | Ramblings of a WAHM recently posted..Blogging Success: Failure Is Success
Yes they do. And there is so much more that I didn’t even post. Click on the photos and you can see it!
I saw in the paper recently that a local hotel college (GMIT in Galway, Ireland) is hosting a black tie dinner replicating the last meal that the first-class passengers on the Titanic ate…to support a lifeboat charity. What.
That is the most hilarious thing I have ever heard. Ever.
Also, a lifeboat charity? What the fuck do they do?
I think maybe there’s no governmental Coast Guard-type thing over here (or maybe there is – I’m too lazy to look it up so I’m just making this shit up), so maybe it’s all volunteer/charity work…? I guess if someone’s gonna save your drowning ass, they need donations from people sitting down to a meal to pretend they’re the ONLY people who will get saved from a sinking ship. Personally, I think it would be more effective if they’d gone with recreating the final meal for the third class passengers: “Here, have some beans and old stew to remind you that if you don’t give money to your local lifeboat charity, you will fucking drown like the third class passengers on the Titanic.”
Mags recently posted..British accent diverged from American accent, not vise versa.
I’m inclined to agree with you. I feel like people would give more money if they were drowning and money could buy them a lifeboat. It’s just good marketing.
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