Thar She Blows Some Giant Hairy Balls!

02/29/2012 · 99 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, What Is Wrong With You?

QUICK: Think of the worst tragedy where hundreds died and many more suffered that you should never be able to buy merchandise for.

Was it slavery? The Indonesian Tsunami? High Fashion?

If you guessed The Titanic, then you are correct. The fact that it shouldn’t exist doesn’t mean shit though. It does exist, and in the most inappropriate and horrifying ways usually aimed at children.

T is For Titanic!

 A children’s alphabet to highlight the injustices and pride of man in a beautifully illustrated heirloom book.

T is for Titanic
H is for Horrified
C is for Corpse
F is for Frozen to Death
L is for Lackluster Lifeboating
I is for Iceberg
M is for Massacre

What a fucking delightful story to teach your children the building blocks of language by. Next in the series is a beginner’s grammar guide using Pompeii and Punctuation using Famine! MAGICAL.

The Titanic Beach Towel

I can see the slogan on this now, “Don’t be caught dead without a cozy beach towel to keep the ocean’s chill at bay!”

Are you fucking with me here? Creating items for people to use near the ocean to commemorate a tragedy that occurred IN THE FUCKING OCEAN should create a problem for your quality control guys. “Hey do you think this Titanic Life Preserver is too much?” “Nah. Make sure to sell ‘em a beach towel, too!”

Titanic: The Biggest Pop-Up!

What in the Holy Rollerblading Christ is this shit?

Want to horrify your children for years to come? Give them a pop-up book filled with images of hubris and needless death. That’ll really make ‘em smile! If I wanted to see tragedy in shitty 3-D, I’d pay someone to slap me in the face with Avatar.

The Plush Survivor Bear

This fantastic photoshop job is thanks to them, and conveys a horror belying it’s fuzzy exterior. See that bow-tie he’s wearing? You know why he’s a survivor bear?

Because he’s a rich bear. There aren’t any third-class survivor bears. THAT’S LIFE.

The Wooden Titanic Kit

Well this photo simply can’t be right. This is a whole and perfect ship model, and THAT’S NOT HOW IT WENT DOWN.

If you wanted to create a wooden model of the Titanic, then you should just empty the box out into your bathtub filled with Barbies and ice cubes while Celine plays in the background and you’ve had a little too much wine.

Titanic-Opoly

A literal game of life and death.

There’s no jail, you just die horribly. There’s no free parking, you just die horribly. There’s no luxury tax because all the rich people lived. You can’t put a hotel on it because you just die horribly instead.

There’s no Anne Frank-Opoly or Trail Of Tears-Opoly, so WHY DOES THIS EXIST?

Spaniel Salt and Pepper Shakers

Other than the description, “Happy 3rd Birthday Molly & Carter,” these are offered for sale on the same site with absolutely no explanation as to why they are there or how they relate. Also it looks like they’re humping on the box. WHY ARE THEY HERE?

A Possum’s Night on the Titanic

Hey kids! Gather round and let Ol’ Grandpa tell you a story about a curious possum in a jaunty cap who gets on a boat with his family headed for a new land of promise but dies horribly instead in a cold and unforgiving ocean at the hands of proud rich folk! Spoiler alert: THE POSSUM’S NIGHT ENDS BADLY.

A few issues with this. 1: Why a possum? 2: Why name him Opie? 3: IT’S THE MOTHERFUCKING TITANIC.

In all this, I’m honestly surprised that they did not offer an action figure of the Iceberg that doomed the Titanic, because I would pay shiploads for that. (See what I did there?)

To all the would-be souvenir makers out there, here’s a thought: if we consider it a tragedy of human life, there should be no silly children’s books or toys based on it.

You wouldn’t make a Cult Suicide chess set, you shouldn’t make a Titanic stuffed fucking BEAR.

I once seriously considered purchasing a broken Abraham Lincoln nutcracker at Mt. Rushmore because it looked like he’d had a stroke and StrokeLincoln is the BestLincoln.

Have you ever seen/bought any ludicrous souvenirs?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post: 
From L-Kat: “Nascar Noa has died of snakebite.”
Front Desk Ninja February 29, 2012 at 4:12 am

I’ve actually sold one of those pop-up Titanic books.
Not gonna lie, they were fucking cool.

People get away with selling shit about Titanic because (I might be wrong, but I will swear I’m right) the last surviving passenger from the ship died years ago. It’s horrible, yeah, but people have sold worse.

Did you know there are sites for serial killer memorabilia? No shit. You can buy drawings of killers hands (who strangled their victims) and hair from the killer.
It’s RIDICULOUS.
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Johi February 29, 2012 at 9:13 am

Um. EW.
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Front Desk Ninja February 29, 2012 at 5:07 pm

I know, right?!?!?
I knew there were some sites and shit, but apparently it’s a big enough issue that Anderson Cooper did an entire episode on his talk show about it.
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Jen February 29, 2012 at 11:41 am

So, just to clarify: it’s WRONG that I want a John Wayne Gacy clown painting?
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Front Desk Ninja February 29, 2012 at 5:07 pm

The fact you want anything to do with clowns makes me nervous.
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Jaime February 29, 2012 at 10:48 pm

I’m with ninja on this…. clowns are wrong.. WRONG WRONG WRONG.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd March 1, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Did the clown die on the Titanic? If not, I think it’s fine.
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Noa March 7, 2012 at 9:02 pm

@FDN: I would like the artwork of minor criminals hanging in my house. The hand turkeys of white collar criminals, for instance.

@Johi: Agreed.

@Jen: I kind of want one, too.

@Jamie: I’m not afraid of clowns, weirdly. I am afraid of butterflies, so there you go.

@Carrie: I think at least one clown probably died there.

Jen March 7, 2012 at 9:23 pm

ADMIT THAT SHIT, BITCH!!!
Jen recently posted..The Autism Myths

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:50 am

I WANT IT. SO BAD.

Annie February 29, 2012 at 5:55 am

I saw a t-shirt once that said “I had lunch at Donner’s Pass.”

Jayne February 29, 2012 at 8:19 am

That may be the coolest t-shirt I’ve ever heard of!!! I MUST have one.
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Allie | Ramblings of a WAHM March 2, 2012 at 8:52 am

I kinda have to laugh at that one, it was long ago so it’s ok, right?
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Noa March 7, 2012 at 9:03 pm

@Annie: Annnnndd I want one.

@Jayne and Allie: I’m with y’all on this one. And it makes me a hypocrite.

Mayor Gia February 29, 2012 at 6:34 am

Hmmm…i have not. I wonder if those salt and pepper shaker dogs were ON the titanic too? “In case it wasn’t tragic enough, don’t forget about the drowning puppies…”
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Noa March 7, 2012 at 9:03 pm

I just made myself cry thinking about the sad puppies.

Jen March 7, 2012 at 9:23 pm

You fucking pussies. Fuck the puppies.
Jen recently posted..The Autism Myths

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:51 am

The word puppies is one of the only things that makes me cry. I can’t do it.

Grace February 29, 2012 at 7:09 am

IDEA: can we please do a series of children’s books featuring Opie? (Also, I assume he is named Opie for Opie the Opossum…they just missed that alliteration follow through.) We could put him in the Ethiopian Famine, the Salem Witch Trials, The Spanish Inquisition, the Ante-bellum South. Shit, we could even stay in this century and waterboard that little fucker. “Play dead now, Opie!” WE ARE GONNA BE SOOOOO RICH!

Sarah February 29, 2012 at 8:38 am

I would totally buy that entire series of children’s books. “Welcome to real life, kiddos! It’s a bitch.”
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Jen February 29, 2012 at 11:46 am

I would give my left tit to see Opie in a Gitmo detainee camp.

Norway March 1, 2012 at 8:25 pm

I desperately need to see Opie the Opossum photobomb the rerelease of Titanic.

Noa March 7, 2012 at 9:04 pm

@Grace: And then you found out he wrote all of them. ALL OF THEM.

@Sarah: Good news! They’re available!

@Jen: They don’t have that one yet. I’m on it.

@Norway: Brilliant!!!

Kelly February 29, 2012 at 8:40 am

I’m fairly certain Opie is an OPOSSUM (get it right, fuckers) to make him more lovable. Because no one loves rats the size of footballs that were actually on the ship. Even though opossums are full of rabies and shit, stick a hat on him and era-accurate clothing, and he’s a cuddly little scamp? I don’t fucking think so. Now, if Opie was a honey badger, I’d buy that book in bulk.

Johi February 29, 2012 at 9:15 am

Yeah, opossums are angry, hissing a-holes. Let’s humanize one and make him loveable and misunderstood! Great idea, then when Little Johnny see ones crossing the road, he can run into traffic to give it a hug.

Noa March 7, 2012 at 9:05 pm

@Kelly: If Opie were a honey badger, the Titanic would not have sunk.

@Johi: I hope they do the same thing with a king cobra.

Kelly February 29, 2012 at 8:42 am

Also? Do opossums swim? If not, that’s just wrong. That poor disease-ridden rodent was doomed from the start. Authors of children’s books are sadistic motherfuckers.
Kelly recently posted..She should have stabbed me. It would have hurt less.

Noa March 7, 2012 at 9:06 pm

They play dead. To be fair, that’s a pretty good defense against, you know, the ocean.

Misty February 29, 2012 at 8:47 am

I see what you did there . . . and you should be ashamed, Noa!

I agree that they can do this shit because even the survivors are dead. Try this shit with 9/11 and see what fucking happens. Shit would go down.

Although, this just supports my decision never to get on a fucking boat. The hubs has been trying to take me “sailing” for years. And by sailing, he obviously means “nobody will ever find your body” so . . . yeah, I’ll pass, thanks.
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Noa March 7, 2012 at 9:07 pm

I am ashamed. Deeply so.

I think cruising is the worst vacation idea ever. You won’t miss anything.

Jaclyn February 29, 2012 at 8:54 am

God, this is so tacky. Everyone knows you use books about DISEASE to teach kids the alphabet!

Caitlyn’s favorites are the ones about the Black Plague and Ebola…. B is for Blood spewing orifices, D is for Disease carrying rodents, M is for Mass graves.

It’s all VERY educational.

Noa March 7, 2012 at 9:09 pm

She has to learn early. Good for you for making sure she knows her tragedy.

Johi February 29, 2012 at 9:18 am

Hey, totally off the subject but I will soon be selling a line of products related to the next enormously destructive natural disaster that occurs and claims thousands of lives. Watch for it! I’ll be the one selling t-shirts out of my pick-up truck.

Noa March 7, 2012 at 9:09 pm

Please swing by Dallas. I will buy everything you’re selling.

Ally February 29, 2012 at 9:45 am

I blame Celine Dion for making dying on the Titanic sound so romantic.
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Jaime February 29, 2012 at 10:51 pm

Celine Dion can be blamed for so much…..

Noa March 7, 2012 at 9:11 pm

@Ally: It’s always romantic to give up on another human being after you tell him you won’t. Always.

@Jasmine: Bieber, for instance.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd February 29, 2012 at 10:25 am

There’s an entire tourist industry built around the Salem Witch Trials. “Oooooh, it’s spooky here! Come see! (Thank God we killed those innocent people)” I think it’s awful but I really want to go some time.
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Noa March 7, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Do you tour the place where they crushed a man to death? Because that sounds like my kind of vacation.

Jillian @ Brilliant Title February 29, 2012 at 10:42 am

My microbiology professor friend just posted this:

http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/ebfe/?cpg=fbl_ebfe

That’s a bioterrorism board game, y’all. Science fun for the whole family!
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Noa March 7, 2012 at 9:13 pm

Hip Hip Hooray! Bloody anal discharge!

Jana February 29, 2012 at 10:47 am

I am waiting to see what other 1906 Great Fire/Earthquake memorabilia we will come up with out here. It’s not enough that every year (until last year, I think) we parade the 100 year old plus old people out to John’s Restaurant to see them tell the tale of what the fire was like when they were ummm…let’s see 6 months old?? The best piece of memorabilia that I saw was a book of matches commemorating the Great Fire/Earthquake, which I found quite ironic.

I am glad that we have the disaster kid’s books to teach those ankle biters about history, maybe, if we had those at our age it would have prevented the most incredibly stupid statement ever to come out of my friend’s mouth. As we stood in line for the movie Titanic, I was actually yelled at by my girlfriend for telling her what happened at the end of the movie and how could I ruin this for her. Yes, my friends, that pop-up book just might have saved her life.

Misty February 29, 2012 at 10:54 am

That’s like my mom who refuses to see the movie, even though I told her how good it is, because “I already know what happens.” Face, meet palm.
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Noa March 7, 2012 at 9:15 pm

@Jana: Someone once got mad about being told the spoilers to Titanic. That someone was related to me. That someone got slapped. Slapped, I say.

@Misty: To be fair, I feel that way about all Robin Hood movies.

Dani February 29, 2012 at 11:13 am

I personally find it horrific that there are web sites from which to purchase Serial Killer Memorabilia.

How’s about a nice clown painting ala John Wayne Gacy hanging in baby’s room? That’s appropriate, right?

Or a Manson Family t-shirt that says “I survived Helter-Skelter.”

Living the dream… rock on, America!!

Noa March 7, 2012 at 9:15 pm

Please tell me the Manson shirt isn’t real. Please.

Jen February 29, 2012 at 12:02 pm

I believe a Titanic-themed ice cube tray would be exquisite.
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Jillian @ Brilliant Title February 29, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Sweet Baby Jesus, why has no one created such a thing?
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Front Desk Ninja February 29, 2012 at 5:15 pm
Jen February 29, 2012 at 7:11 pm

And now I must have one.
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Jillian @ Brilliant Title February 29, 2012 at 7:11 pm

Did you see the denture shaped ones? Perfect.
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Front Desk Ninja March 1, 2012 at 12:02 am

I have shot glass ice molds.
Know what they’re best used for? Not shots. Because that shit melts so fast in your hands that it’s stupid.
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Noa March 9, 2012 at 5:20 pm

I took an ice shot once, and they all have invisible holes, so you’re not drunk, sticky, and cold as a mofo. Not a great idea.

Noa March 7, 2012 at 9:16 pm

@Jen: YES. YES YES YES.

@Jillian and FDN: This is why I love you guys.

Dana the Biped February 29, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Edinburgh: the Royal Mile. An upscale pub. I go to pee and am unsurprised to see a little vending machine, like that usually sells tampons and lipgloss and stuff.

I *am* surprised to see it is selling vibrators and inflatable sheep.
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Jana February 29, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Shut UP! SHUT UP! that is completely fully of awesome sauce.
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Noa March 7, 2012 at 9:18 pm

@Dana: I don’t know how many times I’ve been in a pub and thought, “I really need an inflatable sheep.” Lucky bastard.

@Jana: Indeed.

Jake February 29, 2012 at 1:08 pm

There are two ways to win Titanic-Opoly. One is to buy the shit out of a lifeboat and just sit there until everyone else is dead. The other, better option is to take out an anachronistically large life insurance policy on everyone else, buy a house in Southampton, and never, ever get on an enormous death boat. Because S is for Southampton. And Survival.

Noa March 7, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Is there no Carpathian option?

wagthedad February 29, 2012 at 1:44 pm

I wonder if this were a hundred years ago people would be considering you un-american for joking about the Titanic. Really. Like, say, you were to know this dad…and he..um…used to build towers out of wooden blocks with his kid, and when his kid knocked them down, he would screech “Oh, no! 9-11!” –theoretically, like–you would probably be pissed, off, right?

So have a little goddamn respect for the heroes who died in the Titanic, Noa.

That is all.

Mandi E. March 1, 2012 at 10:32 am

I don’t tell you often enough that I love your twisted style.
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Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:52 am

@Wag: I know. Fuck me, right? I’m an asshole.

@Mandi: I relish his comments. RELISH I say.

L.A. February 29, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Two years after 9/11, my high school choir took a trip to NYC. A visit to Ground Zero got added because of the recent events. While we were at Ground Zero, our conductor asked if we wanted to sing the national anthem, to honor the people that had died. We started to sing. We were stopped by a policeman shortly after we sang about the flag that we were proudly hailing.

As we left, we were harassed by people selling photo books they had made of the planes crashing into the towers. The cops didn’t even bother trying to stop those guys.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:53 am

We got assaulted by those guys too. Just…so classy.

Andi Davies February 29, 2012 at 3:27 pm

I was all set to blame the Titanic movie for the commemorative shit, but then I realized…nobody sold shackles after Amistad came out. There was no Amistad-opoly. No little black stuffed dolls chained in the hold of a plastic ship. No children’s books telling the story from the cuddly ship’s rat’s point of view. You realize why, don’t you? RACISM.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:54 am

I think Amistad branded shackles would bring about the end of time.

Sedge | noob-dad February 29, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Still beats Holocaust memorabilia.

Could you imagine a mainstream book, “Gettin’ that concentration camp look with the all new Holocaust Diet!”

Where there’s a buck to be made, there’s 20 people waiting.

Jen February 29, 2012 at 4:14 pm

I just thought of an Auschwitz shower caddy, but it was wrong. . .so very, very wrong.
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Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:55 am

@Sedge: That was 1) hilarious and 2) fucking horrifying.

@Jen: Holy shit, Jen.

L-Kat February 29, 2012 at 5:22 pm

A fleece blanket of a deer jumping over a semi truck. I was staying in the fancy suite at a fancy hotel, and the housekeeper spread it out on my bed every morning. I motherfrickin love that blanket.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:55 am

I’m so jealous. I must own it.

HeathRobots February 29, 2012 at 6:36 pm

None of this disturbs me more than seeing Titanic advertised as a “new movie” simply b/c it is being released in 3-D. Seriously? Did they put in an alternate ending? One where Rose decides that she could share driftwood instead of hogging it. Or maybe instead of throwing a valuable jewel into the Atlantic, she sells it and donates the proceeds to charity. Nope. She’ll still be a selfish bitch.

Handflapper February 29, 2012 at 6:59 pm
Noa March 9, 2012 at 1:57 am

@HeathRobots: The alternate ending is Aliens. It’s much better.

@Handflapper: It’s pretty goddamn funny.

Handflapper February 29, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Well, if Eric Clapton can write a Grammy winning song about his four-year-old falling out of 53 story window, why not Titanicopoly?

I’m taking a risk sharing this here–don’t any of you bitches steal my idea!–but I’m developing a Snooki baby paternity test game, because that ho having a child is the real tragedy.
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Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:00 am

It’ll be the orangest little person ever!

Teala February 29, 2012 at 7:25 pm

Dude. At first I thought you were kidding. No. This is fucking real. I know many people subscribe to the “nothing is sacred.” However, really? I guess there are worse things, but day-um.
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Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:01 am

I suppose there are worse things, but shiiiiiiiit.

sars! March 1, 2012 at 9:11 am

The bf & I had friends over last night and literally discussed serial killers and their memorabilia. I was out numbered in not wanting to have any but we were all fascinated by it.

But Jen, really, clowns are fuckin creepy anyway… I will have daymares at work now.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:02 am

Clowns aren’t that weird. Clowns with knife teeth are.

Mandi E. March 1, 2012 at 10:28 am

Maybe I’m comparing apples to condoms here, but a lot of tragedy merchandising is right on par with going to the house where Anne Frank hid out and buying a vial of Mt. Vesuvius ash in the gift shop on the way out.
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Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:02 am

Mt. Vesuvius ash AKA someone’s body?

Red March 1, 2012 at 10:37 am

You know they’re coming out with the movie Titanic, in 3-D? Maybe that’s why all of this random Titanic-crap. Pre-marketing.
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Sedge | noob-dad March 1, 2012 at 12:28 pm

I don’t want to spoil the ending for you, but it sinks.
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Jake March 6, 2012 at 12:30 pm

DAMN IT!! I figured that, since they’d finally be able to tell whether the iceberg was in the foreground or the background, maybe they wouldn’t hit it this time.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:03 am

@Red: Fuck pre-marketing. It’s the same goddamn thing.

@Sedge: But this time, in your face!

@Jake: Nope. Turns out it was the Loch Ness monster.

Tracy March 1, 2012 at 2:53 pm

At least Pompeii has erect phallus art. Kids love that.

My nephew was obsessed with the Titanic movie and watched it over and over. He was only about 7 at the time. So when he asked my Mom what Jack and Rose were doing in the car, Mom said “hiding.” Uh, sort of. So awkward.
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Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:04 am

Hiding in a sweaty car! Like mommy and daddy do!

Elizabeth August 25, 2012 at 9:32 am

LOL.

Norway March 1, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Well you know, they ARE rereleasing Titanic soon in theatres. In 3D. Now you can see the whole debacle again. In 3D!

To quote some of the shittier people I know… “I’m gonna go see that, because Leo DiCaprio’s face will be closer to mine in 3D!”

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:05 am

Also, death. Death is closer in 3D.

Allie | Ramblings of a WAHM March 2, 2012 at 9:00 am

OMG! I want to comment on every single one of these other comments. You guys are so right.

WTF? Do people really buy these tragic memorabilia?

I’ll stick with my spoon from Yellowstone, my beach blanket from San Diego and my mug from the Statue of Liberty.

~Allie
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Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:06 am

Yes they do. And there is so much more that I didn’t even post. Click on the photos and you can see it!

Mags March 2, 2012 at 4:56 pm

I saw in the paper recently that a local hotel college (GMIT in Galway, Ireland) is hosting a black tie dinner replicating the last meal that the first-class passengers on the Titanic ate…to support a lifeboat charity. What.

Noa March 9, 2012 at 2:08 am

That is the most hilarious thing I have ever heard. Ever.

Also, a lifeboat charity? What the fuck do they do?

Mags March 9, 2012 at 4:15 am

I think maybe there’s no governmental Coast Guard-type thing over here (or maybe there is – I’m too lazy to look it up so I’m just making this shit up), so maybe it’s all volunteer/charity work…? I guess if someone’s gonna save your drowning ass, they need donations from people sitting down to a meal to pretend they’re the ONLY people who will get saved from a sinking ship. Personally, I think it would be more effective if they’d gone with recreating the final meal for the third class passengers: “Here, have some beans and old stew to remind you that if you don’t give money to your local lifeboat charity, you will fucking drown like the third class passengers on the Titanic.”
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Noa March 9, 2012 at 5:22 pm

I’m inclined to agree with you. I feel like people would give more money if they were drowning and money could buy them a lifeboat. It’s just good marketing.

Elizabeth August 25, 2012 at 9:19 am

I think the dogs are supposed to represent the dogs on Titanic. And yes, they do look like they’re humping on the box. You are hilarious.

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