When The Bums Get Stabbin’, I Get Packin’

01/23/2012 · 75 comments

in Adrian, How Did My Life Come To This, What Is Wrong With You?

Lately, I’ve been mulling over whether or not we should move out of our building. I made some handy charts to help.

 

What’s a decision you’re mulling over right now? Any pros/cons?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Dana The Biped: “I really like the way her sense of humor is like mine. You know, except that after I tell a joke, people just look at me and then remember that they are late for a dentist appointment or a vasectomy.”

 

Mayor Gia January 23, 2012 at 6:39 am

Hahaha I need to move too! See http://mayorgia.blogspot.com/2011/12/my-appliances-are-against-me.html

The issue is not having enough money though. So its less of a chart making decision and more just sadness. I make a lot of excel budgets.
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Front Desk Ninja January 23, 2012 at 10:55 pm

Excel budgets are so fucking misleading.
My goal this year is to get out of debt (except for school debt. That shit sticks to you for life.) and so I made an Excel spreadsheet of what I owe, how much I make, costs I can’t scoot around, y’know. Big kid shit. I was so stoked, and grown up about it.

Excel lies.

I’ve begun to think a budget is more like a really loosely planned guide on how to spend your money, before your car breaks down and the debt you forgot about comes knocking, especially when your paycheque each period changes.
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Jen January 24, 2012 at 11:53 am

We use SPSS for data collection at work. I believe it stands for ‘Slow, Puerile Soul-Suckage’.
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Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:02 am

@Gia: Shit, it’s a money issue for us, too, and we just found out they’re raising our rent by another $150. Suck my dick, building.

@FDN: Tried Mint.com? That keeps my ass in line because it shouts at me. Excel is too nice.

Front Desk Ninja January 24, 2012 at 1:11 am

are you trying to give me your American tools?

*narrows eyes*

I’m on to you, woman.
just kidding. I checked it out. It has potential….. but I ignore most text alerts like them…hmmm
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Thank You, You Big Emotion Inducing Jerks

Dana the Biped January 24, 2012 at 10:06 am

How have I never heard of mint.com? You are now officially my favorite financial advisor.
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NCT January 24, 2012 at 10:22 pm

Buy rural land with your own house and pay cash for it/build it yourself. Then have dildos and soccer moms decide to commute from your formerly peaceful area and have your property taxes triple because you formerly had a good school district until they moved in. There is no easy answer other than killing people, but I’m still looking into the legality of machine gunning the Prius invaders. Thin the herd so they don’t overpopulate and I go to town and see a bed bath and beyond where my favorite taco stand used to be.

Jillian @ Brilliant Title January 23, 2012 at 8:02 am

I appreciate that, bright and early Monday morning, I am already imagining a variety of ways to “ride the trash chute.” Good start.
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Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:03 am

It sounds like I’m cutely euphemizing fucking a hobo.

Charity Woosley January 23, 2012 at 8:18 am

HAHA! A trash chute that sounds like Vader. Awesome. Also, I think it would be fucking fantastic to have a trash shoot. I have to carry my shit outside, and then haul that shit to the curb my own fucking self. I should see if I can get my husband to install a trash shoot in our house. Although, I guess we’d still have to carry the big cans to the curb on trash day. Perhaps a robot, as well?
Charity Woosley recently posted..Eat the brown lettuce, you little fuck

Jana January 23, 2012 at 11:41 am

I am with you there….I want a trash chute and a laundry chute….but in the landry chute, I want a little person down there to wash and fold my clothes. Then I can just knock on the door and they can hand me my folded and pressed clothes. (sigh, good times)
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Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:08 am

My granny once had a laundry chute, but underpants frequently got snagged in there and they had to beat them out with a broom.

Laundry chutes lead to weird stories.

Charity January 24, 2012 at 11:21 am

Why does it have to be a little person?!
Charity recently posted..Texts with Jay. Children under 17 not admitted without parent.

Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:06 am

@Charity: It sounds like you’re on your way to your very own TrashVader. May the force-flex trash bags be with you.

Charity January 24, 2012 at 11:20 am

Well. To be fair, I sort of have a TrashVader. My son is 17 and his ass takes out the garbage daily. If he doesn’t, he gets a throat punch.
Charity recently posted..Texts with Jay. Children under 17 not admitted without parent.

Misty January 23, 2012 at 9:54 am

Damn. No Kirk Cameron? You need to haul your ass out of that shit-pit, stat!

Have you thought of investing in some Kevlar? Might help with your pro/con graph.

Plus, I appreciate that the chart in the shape of an asshole actually has an asshole fee listed. Was it a fee to make the chart look like an asshole? Because, seriously . . . money well spent.
Misty recently posted..The Planner

Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:13 am

That asshole fee is pretty arbitrary, and I’m pretty sure we’re one of the few residents who gets it.

In Kirk Cameron related news, I found out that one of the buildings I’m looking at is known for rooftop orgies.

nadine January 23, 2012 at 10:15 am

Why would you want to ride in the trash chute? It’s an orgy of garbage.
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Mandi E. January 23, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Hey, an orgy is an orgy…
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Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:16 am

That’s true. Unless it’s unlubricated.

Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:15 am

I didn’t read this comment before I posted my last reply, so I’ll restate here in hilarious coincidence: “In Kirk Cameron related news, I found out that one of the buildings I’m looking at is known for rooftop orgies.”

One way or another, I can’t get away from orgies.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd January 23, 2012 at 10:19 am

I’m having to make so many big decisions right now I’m in personal decision paralysis. But, to help you with yours – angry hobos should only be encountered sparingly for a good story or two, they aren’t for living near.
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Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:16 am

We made the decision to move today officially. My new place will have more space AND A MOTHERFUCKING BALCONY.

Kelly January 23, 2012 at 10:20 am

“Riding the Trash Chute” sounds like it should be Flava Flav’s autobiography.

The only thing I’m mulling over right now is do I want Special K or Honey Bunches of Oats for breakfast.

Your bomb-ass kitchen might make getting stabbed worthwhile. But there’s not enough candles or febreeze to cover up taco piss.
Kelly recently posted..My epitaph: She Was Fucking Tired.

Kimberly January 23, 2012 at 3:34 pm

hahaha…oh Flav, he certainly did ride some trash chutes in his day!

Kelly January 23, 2012 at 8:34 pm

On national television, even.
Kelly recently posted..My epitaph: She Was Fucking Tired.

Beth January 23, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Hilarious!

Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:18 am

@Kimberly: I had no idea he was gay.

Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:17 am

@Kelly: Be my best friend? Shitballs, you’re funny.

Kelly January 24, 2012 at 8:23 am

Only if we can get necklaces that say BEST FRIENDS when we put the halves together.
Kelly recently posted..Vagina = Virginia? It does in our house.

Noa January 26, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Can they be two halves of a vagina?

L-Kat January 23, 2012 at 11:58 am

I’m deciding on whether or not to go to a lunch meeting. Pro: Free food. Con: Broken eyeballs after I stab myself with a pencil at the stupidity and pointlessness of lunch meetings.
L-Kat recently posted..My funny bone is broken so here is a Life List instead (UPDATED)

Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:18 am

I must know: did the desire for lukewarm tuna sandwiches win out?

Andi January 23, 2012 at 11:59 am

I can see how this would be a challenging decision. NOT. WTF are you smoking? Of course, you need to move. You need to move closer to me, for starters. Also, no Kirk Cameron? That’s a deal-breaker right there.
Andi recently posted..The Mojo Is Back!

Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:19 am

We’re doing it! We’re moving. Fuck you, taco smell.

Dana the Biped January 23, 2012 at 1:09 pm

You live near Rape Alley too? We’re neighbors!

(Also, yay me!)
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Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:19 am

If you really do live near Rape Alley, that will make me so happy, because you know how fucked up that place is.

But not happy for your safety. Shit is scary.

ColinP January 23, 2012 at 1:12 pm

I am not sure I would consider Offending everyone in the building as a Reason to Move. It really is more of a Challenged Accepted and Completed moment. Seriously, think about how much effort was involved with offending everyone.

Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:20 am

It took a whole year and about 4,000 trips in the elevator, but I did it!

Jen January 23, 2012 at 1:32 pm

I’m trying to decide whether or not to go on eHarmony. The pro is that I might meet a decent guy; the con is that there is something intrinsically wrong with searching for a mate the same way the cops looked for The Craigslist Killer.
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Mandi E. January 23, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Give it a go. I met my husband online. Besides, given the twisted lot that is “us” you’re just kidding yourself if you think you’re not the person that the normal people have nightmares about dating! Muaha!
Mandi E. recently posted..Sweet Strings and Inappropriate Things

Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:21 am

I found out a co-worker of mine was also online dating once under a fake name. That was a fun find.

Front Desk Ninja January 23, 2012 at 10:58 pm

Maja!

eHarmony?

I’d vote match.com.
you can make a profile for free and view the prospects that you can then pay to email. It’s not too shabby, and I think*
*I have no idea, I’m making it up
it’s less than eHarmony.

Also, my ass is on match.com (well, was) and I met some fantastic (I’m waiting for him to turn into an axe murderer..) guy. Who still likes me. Shockingly.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Thank You, You Big Emotion Inducing Jerks

Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:22 am

Here’s to an axe-murderer-free relationship!

Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:21 am

@Jen: Please, please, document this. Please.

Jen January 24, 2012 at 8:16 am

One step ahead of you, Noa. Started a blog post re: my dating profile.
Jen recently posted..OMG, I’m totally PG! Call MTV!

Mandi E. January 23, 2012 at 1:52 pm

I’m currently trying to decide if I should come down with a migraine so I can go home, take a nap, do my laundry, and finish working on the beer fridge sitting in the middle of my livingroom. Man, I have a hard life.
Mandi E. recently posted..Sweet Strings and Inappropriate Things

Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:22 am

DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT.

Sinus infection claims always worked for me. No one wanted to hear me hork.

Beth January 23, 2012 at 2:30 pm

I’m currently deciding if I am going to go ahead with fertility treatment. I mean, a boat is probably cheaper than a baby and I can have a lot of fun on a boat.
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Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:23 am

You can’t tube behind a baby!

Front Desk Ninja January 24, 2012 at 11:23 pm

You can, but most places refer to that as “drowning your child”
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Thank You, You Big Emotion Inducing Jerks

Noa January 26, 2012 at 4:56 pm

I couldn’t create after reading this.

Jaclyn January 23, 2012 at 2:59 pm

I’ve missed you Noa! I’ve been reading, lurking around and all but I’ve had a lot of shit going on and haven’t had time to comment very much. I love your charts so much though so I had to today.

What the fuck is it with really expensive buildings treating you like some asshole they just let live there for free? Nadine is having an experience with her upscale-ass apartment complex not fixing her beeping-every-10-sec0nds smoke detector and she was mad at her boyfriend because he wouldn’t let her make a scene at the front office about it.

I mean, Sailor Moon and a dragon though? How do you live without that?
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Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:24 am

WELCOME BACK! I was just wondering where you went off to.

Yeah, Sailor Moon and a dragon. I sat on the sidewalk and watched the whole damn thing. I just wish I’d have taken pictures.

FUCK I’M CREEPY.

wagthedad January 23, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Noa, Noa, Noa, Noa. Noa. Noa. You are seriously into Kirk Cameron? You have so totally dated yourself. A few years older and it would’ve been Michael J. Fox. Scott Baio. Really? Seriously?

I don’t know. I have known too many dudes who looked like Kirk Cameron and they only want one thing.

To remain hairless for the rest of their lives.

It’s fucking true. I know that I am being a disgusting fuck, but it is true.

Anyway. Really? Kirk Cameron?

OK, if that is your thing, I must accept.

So where the fuck is he, anyway?
OK, OK, OK. I have fantasies about whats-her-face from Roseanne. Not Melissa Gilbert. The other one.

I understand. You know?
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Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:25 am

I refuse to offer any explanation on Kirk Cameron’s appearances here. Because I refuse Kirk Cameron altogether.

Becky? Do you mean Becky from Roseanne?

elizabeth- flourishinprogress January 23, 2012 at 5:11 pm

WHAT?!?!? NO Kirk Cameron???

MOVE IMMEDIATELY.

Hey, did I ever tell you that I once saw him and I was so starstruck that I paid a 10 yr old boy 20 bucks to go and get his autograph while I giggled in the corner like a stupid motherfucker?
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Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:25 am

YOU LUCKY WHORE. I’m so jealous.

Carri January 23, 2012 at 6:33 pm

I would like to charge everyone I run across an asshole fee.
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Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:26 am

It’s $149.50.

Amanda January 23, 2012 at 7:09 pm

I’m trying to decide if I should attempt to organize a drawer tonight. Just one drawer. I’ve done three drawers and a cabinet and I only have the whole rest of the house to go. It’s an absolutely horrible idea to move when you’re pregnant, which is what I did 7 years ago.

Also, when my twins were about two months old, I dressed them up in tuxedos to get their picture taken. The tuxedos were for a wedding-I’m not enough of an asshole to just randomly have tuxedos for my children. Anyway, the bigger twin ended up totally pissed off that he was in a tuxedo and as he screamed his little head off, he looked like a red faced, drunk, bald and screaming Rick Moranis. And I didn’t have a camera at the time. Dammit.

Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:27 am

I wish you good luck and no finding of tiny narnias in your drawer organizing adventures. Also, I am awestruck at your rick moranis look-a-like baby.

Jaime January 23, 2012 at 9:37 pm

moving sucks ass…. but can be so worth it.

I’m mulling over eating a brownie…. the neighbor who made it has a kid with hand, foot and mouth disease.. so the con is obviously that they might be contagious brownies but the pro is they are so fucking delicious.

Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:27 am

That is a risky little gamble. Best of luck and immunity.

Dan Perez January 23, 2012 at 10:42 pm

The infamous ‘Weirdly Timed Social Activity Fee’! I used to hate that one.
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Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:28 am

It will kill you! That wrapping-paper corner at 4 PM on a Tuesday was the clincher for me.

Front Desk Ninja January 23, 2012 at 11:02 pm

I’m debating between continuing my Sons of Anarchy marathon at work (best place to watch people fuck and get burned up…) and doing some *actual* work.

Both will involve eating a sub. I’m hungry, dammit.

For future charts, may I request better colours away from each other, because I am perhaps a little on the colour blind (it’s more like.. colours that are really close together shade wise blind) and the asshole chart made me giggle, but I feel it deserved a true chuckle or chortle. Perhaps even a snort.

Love your face. and your kitchen. You should try and take the kitchen with you.
Front Desk Ninja recently posted..Thank You, You Big Emotion Inducing Jerks

Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:30 am

These fucking charts with all these colors make me so angry. That’s why I do them at 4 AM, because by that point, I don’t give a shit. The colors are impossible. My face apologizes.

Dave in Sherman January 24, 2012 at 1:14 am

Living in Dallas sucks no matter where. Maybe Plano or McKinney. I know, the commute. But still.
And really, Kirk Cameron? Well, why not!
Fuck it, drop a line if you and Adrian decide to bail, I got the truck and trailer.
Dave
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Noa January 24, 2012 at 1:30 am

We’re gonna try Uptown and see if it’s any better. At least there are fewer bums on the Katy Trail.

Myth January 24, 2012 at 9:11 pm

You need “Kirk Cameron” and “Rick Moranis” tags, like the “Adrian” tag except KIRK MOTHERFUCKING CAMERON, BITCHES.

You know, unless Adrian is Kirk Cameron. In which case, you lucky whore.

Noa January 26, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Done. Made ‘Em. Brilliant suggestion.

Melissa Pace January 24, 2012 at 10:18 pm

These graphs make perfect sense. Just one concern, is there no “risk of getting knifed” fee?
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Noa January 26, 2012 at 4:58 pm

They waived that for us this lease term. So nice.

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